Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the Harry Potter series of books. I am making no money from the distribution of this fanfiction.

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Chapter 3: The Apology...kind of

After walking to the gates and apparating to the ministry, Hermione plumped down on her couch and sighed heavily. Meeting Severus again after the four-year absence had been more arduous and uncomfortable than she had imagined. She felt so confident and resolved when she had left the office; yet stepping through the gates and meeting Severus again had trampled down all of her hopes. Turning through her notes, she marked a couple spots on the theory area and set it all on her desk. It was already after five and she still had to write a complete report on her visit.
"How'd it go with Snape?" Arthur Weasley said, sticking his head in her office door. He hadn't known of their history, so his question wasn't as threatening as it sounded. She wiped her brow and sighed once more.
"His research is firm, infallible. I believe he might have made a major break through, Arthur, I really do." She put her notes in a folder, (headed Snape, Severus, Lycanthropy) and shoved it beneath her mountain of folders.
"Was he civil?"
"Yes, as much as he can be. He seemed just as excited and enticed by the findings as I was and I guess he knew he had discovered something grand. I doubt if we were in a normal meeting, he would've been so civil." She blushed slightly and wished the animosity in her voice could be swallowed back. Alas, she knew Arthur would think her dislike was coming from her years as a student, but rather there was more to the story than many people could ever understand.
"Well, seems the work for today is done, why don't you head home. Tell Christopher I said hello." Arthur replied, heading down the hallway towards his own office. Perhaps the best thing she could do was head home to her husband, let him bear her burden for a while and rest.
"Hermione, is that you? I have dinner ready in the kitchen." Christopher called out into the darkness. She saw that the only light in the entire house that shown was in the kitchen and even then it seemed to only be candles
"Christopher, what have you done?" Hermione asked, seeing the brilliant candles glowing all around their dinner plates. It looked as though he had made her favourite meal, lamb stew and garlic bread. She could smell the garlic tempting her nostrils.
"I know you don't often remember our anniversary and we usually don't celebrate, but it's three years, Hermione, and I wanted you to enjoy it this year." Her eyes glistened with tears; an emotion of deep love and shock enveloped her body. She rushed quickly and grabbed her husband around his waist.
"You never stop surprising me, ever." She pulled him into a kiss so emotionally driven that her mouth actually hurt from the impact and then released him to run and change into something less restraining. She pulled out the gift she had purchased for him the previous weekend knowing that inevitably she would forget the day again. She threw off her heavy robes and put on a sheer gown and wrap, she knew Christopher wouldn't care about her attire.
"You did remember?" He asked, taking the gift from her hand.
"Not entirely, I bought this last weekend. I know it's not the same, sweetheart, but today was so trying. It's no excuse, I know, but please don't be upset." She said, watching him open the gift. It was a new cauldron set with vials and stoppers that he so desperately needed, plus another small gift that she knew would really surprise him. His eyes became glossy when he saw the cauldrons. It wasn't that the gift was extravagant, after all gold embossed cauldrons aren't the standard, it was that she was supporting his work in the potions field. His smile faded a bit when he got to the smallest package. It was a tiny shoe with a blue ribbon that said 'New Daddy'.
"Does this mean...?"
"Yes, we're having a baby." Hermione's replied, trying desperately to sound as excited as he looked.
"This is so wonderful, Hermione. So everything was safe enough to carry a child? How far along."
" Yes, the healer said everything looked well enough. I visited St.Mungo's last Tuesday. The healer said about three and half months along and that it is definitely a boy, hence the blue ribbon. She said she felt such masculine hormones from the test that it couldn't possibly be a girl." Christopher scooped up his tiny wife and held her tight against his chest.
"It's already that far along and you didn't know?" " I was suspecting, but I wasn't sure." She replied, though deep inside where she was sure he would never know was the secret that she was avoiding the doctor and this pregnancy at all costs. "You have made me the happiest and most proud husband, Hermione Hopkins. You have given me unlimited support. What have I done to deserve you?" She kissed his lips softly and felt her feet return to the floor.
"You saved me, Christopher." She whispered. Famished, she dug into her dinner and ate the entire bowl. Her appetite had increased so rapidly that she felt hungry almost constantly. After dinner, Christopher retired to his lab and Hermione to her books. She often liked to be in his presence simply to watch him. He was tall, everyone noticed that first. She had noticed his violet eyes first and his wondrous hands. Perfect for potions, she had thought. His graying hair had once been a deep mahogany and the texture as fine as silk, but thick and curly like a true God. She loved the slightly gray edges that sculpted his face, such a distinguished face, she thought. She watched him stir a potion and then she laid her book down and felt tingles in her belly. She hoped her son would be like her husband, tall and good, if she had to have a child, she at least wanted one that was similar to her husband.
That next morning, Hermione rushed vigorously to get ready for work, her appetite not yet satisfied and her feet aching. She grabbed a quick bite of bread and apparated to the ministry. She was surprised to find Severus Snape's papers on her desk already. She flipped through them and noted that precision was obviously important to him. She wondered for a brief second if Christopher would be brewing the potion for security before the test subjects could be given it. 'At least he's thorough' she thought to herself as she finished the papers. Her day was actually going to be calm, considering how it normally was. She had to inform Arthur about her pregnancy, that was her goal for the day. Knocking on his door, she waited hoping he wasn't too busy as her courage was wavering.
"Oh, Hermione, what was it you needed. I was just finishing a talk with Severus." Hermione's eyes darted from Arthur's to Severus's and then back to Arthur's. She hadn't anticipated Severus being at the ministry that day.
"I wanted to turn in a notice about a leave I am planning on taking." She said, quietly. She thrust the paper into Arthur's hand and awaited his reaction. His eyes went bold and a smile crept upon his lips.
"This is just wonderful, Hermione. I wondered what your good news for Christopher was. March first through April second, I'll check with records, but I doubt we'll have any trouble getting this time. By that time we'll have this Wolfsbane testing done and your assistant trained." She beamed feeling boosted at his good tidings. "Don't you want more time, though, a month is hardly enough time to recover and get situated." Hermione twitched, she suddenly remembered Severus Snape was still looming in the corner and honestly didn't want him to know the reason for her leave.
"Christopher is planning on taking a leave as well, a much longer one." She replied. Arthur grabbed her and hugged her a famous Weasley hug.
"Ron will be so pleased, he was afraid he would be the only one with children for another ten years. We all know Harry is too preoccupied to have children now...I'll turn this in for you, Hermione and you should receive a formal notice by next month. Congratulations again, dear." He said, releasing her. She blushed ferociously and turned on her heal. She didn't want to see his face, she knew Severus would see through her happiness on some level. He knew her history, he knew she had never wanted children. Her life had been too complicated with work and education that children seemed to always take a backseat to her ambition.
"Bye then, gentlemen." She fled to her office and tried desperately to lose her feelings of loss. She was happy that she could make Christopher happy, but in her heart, she was afraid that she could never love a child or be grateful for a child like he would be, like she once was. After ten or so minutes of crying, she wiped away her anguish and opened her door to grab lunch. At the cafeteria, she sat solemnly at a corner table and ate chicken salad while reading a study on the statistics on wizard parents and their nonmagical children. After finishing, she retreated to her favourite spot on the outskirts of the ministry. Her blanket spread out, she sat squarely on it and read another article about her old professor Remus Lupin. A gentle breeze swallowed her into another world and she closed her eyes and thought about her years at Hogwarts and how she missed seeing Ron and Harry everyday. She made a mental note to call on Ron and Harry when she had some free time. While returning to her office, she noticed her office door ajar.
"Excuse me, who gave you permission to come into my office." She inhaled sharply as he turned to face her.
"My apologies, Mrs. Hopkins, I was only leaving some additional material for the research. I hope it hasn't been a burden." She closed her door and ran her finger across her scar, somehow whenever she saw Severus now, all she could feel was the moment the poisoned blade was inserted deeply in her cheek. She sat down abruptly in her chair and looked over his additional material.
"You have provided us with the best possible notes and research, Professor Snape, we are eternally grateful. I know that Remus will always be appreciative and my husband as well." She said, slyly, then regretting that she had mentioned Christopher's wolf status.
"Your husband has Lycanthropy?" Severus asked.
"Yes, he does."
"Aren't you worried about having a child with him?" He snapped back. He realized immediately that his words were sharp and then bowed his head in shame.
"No, I am not worried." She replied. Though she wasn't worried about her son becoming a werewolf, she was worried about having a son period.
"I wish you luck, Mrs. Hopkins, with the child. If history serves me well, I remember thinking I would never see you with a child. I guess times have changed." He opened the door tried to leave it gracefully.
"Perhaps I just didn't want a child with you." She whispered, knowing that it was a lie.
"What?" Severus replied sharply to her comment.
"Perhaps I just didn't want a child with you." She replied just as sharply. For the first time in her life, she saw something like hurt flash across his face. And again she felt that guilty feeling she always felt whenever she thought about children. Tears of regret immediately embraced her cheeks and before she could rationalize her next move, she leapt from her seat to close her door quickly. Her arms grabbed his and then covered his mouth so he couldn't protest too loudly while she finished her thought.
" I didn't mean that Severus. I never wanted children with anyone, but if I would've had a choice, he would be yours. No permanent scar or near-death experience could ever wretch your face, your breath, your being from my memories and my life. I can't believe I never felt this before. I thought you would never forgive yourself for the things that happened that night and that you could never forgive me for the way I treated you afterwards. You had every right to want me gone, Severus. I loved you so immaturely and selfishly that it was only a matter of time before you shoved me out of your life. And you may think that when I left, I stopped loving you or wanting to be your partner, but I didn't. I chose not to stay because I knew somehow life would always be worse than before and less bearable. When you let me leave those four years ago, I went to the first man I could think of who had shown me support and flirted with me a bit at the ministry. I chose to marry a potions master who is so much like you sometimes I close my eyes and pretend you are there and not him. Christopher loves me and I am slowly learning to love him as more than a carbon copy of you. But to me, you are home. Please never think for one second that I haven't thought about you almost every night before I sleep. You made me feel needed when everyone else made me feel used. And this scar is a daily reminder that once there was something between us besides distance...even if it was put there in bad circumstances. I am sorry to have said such horrible things, it's just that I've waited four years to apologize and say exactly how I feel that sometimes my anger and jealousy get in the way." She paused and ran her free hand across the crescent shaped scar once more. Severus stood frozen at her door, no emotion on his face whatsoever. "It couldn't be removed, they told me. And anyhow, it's not something I can forget now. If you cannot accept my apology I understand. I mean, I was horrible those weeks after that night, but I was in more pain then you could ever imagine. I know you think that cannot be possible considering your history, but trust me, things happened that you don't know about. I don't know what else to say now. I mean, I know this is all awkward and sudden, but seeing you yesterday brought it all back to me and made me realize many things. Can you forgive me?" She waited for his answer, though didn't expect anything cheerful or rewarding. She knew better than to expect forgiveness. "Severus, I am so sorry, but you have to understand that there is so much more to the story than you know..." She whispered and hoped he hadn't heard.
"I see." He said, his voice low and downhearted. She wondered what was going through his head as he stood there staring into her face.
"You don't have to say anything. I understand, really, I just wanted you to know that I was sorry and hoped we could live on good terms." He eyed her cautiously and took her hand in his.
"For me, there is no end. There is forgiveness and there is cowardice. I chose forgiveness because I know that what I did was unforgivable. So, to answer your question, yes, I forgive you if you can somehow learn to forgive me and someday enlighten me to this other story." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed is softly, his breath warm and soft. She felt a surge of pure love for him and then blocked it out before opening the door.
"You have my forgiveness, Severus, as long as you never forget me or our life together." His eyes left hers and her hand slid from his. "For me, there is no end. There is forgiveness and there is cowardice. I chose forgiveness because I know that what I did was unforgivable. So, to answer your question, yes, I forgive you if you can somehow learn to forgive me and someday enlighten me to this other story." He brought her hand to his lips and kissed is softly, his breath warm and soft. She felt a surge of pure love for him and then blocked it out before opening the door.
"You have my forgiveness, Severus, as long as you never forget me or our life together." His eyes left hers and her hand slid from his.
"There is no end, Hermione, ever." He replied. She held the door and let him leave. As she sat down on her couch, she wondered how she had gotten through the previous ten minutes. Her palms covered her face completely as she let a sigh of relief and despair escape her lips. She stayed that way for an hour or so drowning her pitiless sorrows in tears. It been so long since his presence had overtaken her in such a way. She was determined to return home to Christopher and forget the transgressions of the day, however unlikely it was. After filing out the remainder of her reports, Hermione apparated home to the husband who apparently loved her and left the stale memory of Severus behind.