Author's Notes: Thank you to Kat who is just the best reviewer and commentator... Thanks to Jane for all the support in the world.. And then to my reviewers, whom I love more than life itself (I live for reviews):: Fuuruma, Maven, Tracey, Mandi, Amanda, Blaire, and AngelChase. Thanks for all the support and comments. I keep on putting what you guys want into the fic, so dont' worry. This chapter is a bit slow, but the next one.. The next few ones could get interesting... :-) Just please review and tell me what you like, what you don't like, the whole carby vs. luby situation. Whatever. My email is ellaspyrka@yahoo.com and my sn for AIM is Love Among Ruin Thanks so much!!

He headed home, refusing to let the tears that threatened to fall actually do so. She had scarred him more than she would ever know. He managed to somehow get home to the mansion. Kem was waiting for him at the door. He quickly kissed her and rushed off. Wanting to be alone. To forget. He walked into his study, grabbing a glass out of the cabinet. He was tempted to have a drink, but he couldn't. He didn't because of her. He knew how it could control a person, take over, change them. He filled it with water instead. He sat down on the couch, his hands and feet moving, twitching. He wasn't nervous, or angry, just frustrated. And hurt. He looked out at the yard in front of him. The bushes, flowers, fountains. Everything so surreal. He wanted to be back to where nothing mattered but saving lives. He wanted to be back in the Congo, in Africa. He would save lives and sleep. That was the extent of his day. And he didn't need more to make it exciting. He picked up his phone, searching for Katie's number. He dialed it, and he heard her cheery voice answer. He wanted two one-way tickets to the Congo. He was taking Kem and getting out of Chicago. She seemed miserable here, and he didn't blame her. He was too. He was getting out of her life.

He walked back to find Kem. She was sitting in the kitchen, reading an article from some magazine. She instantly looked up at him when he entered the room.

"We're going back."

She looked at him, questioning his morality. His judgement.

"John, are you okay? Did something happen?"

He sat down across from her.

"No. I just, I need to go back. It's hard to explain."

He knew it would be hard to explain. He knew he could sum it up in a sentence or two. She wanted him to get out of her life. So he did.

"When?"

He looked up at her, smiling a bit to reassure her that this was for the best.

"Tomorrow night."

He saw her nod her head, but he knew she was skeptical, although he also knew she had been dying to get home.

"Where are you going?"

He looked up at the tile, the designs on the walls.

"Probably Matenda."

She wouldn't try to stop him because once he made up his mind, it was set in stone. The people knew him, and trusted him. He would rather be there, no matter what the conditions were.

"I'll go with you."

That's the last thing he needed. She was pregnant, and the last place she should be is a war-torn country with limited food and water. She could die. Or be killed. And he would never forgive himself.

"No. Stay in Kinshasa. I'll visit you, keep in touch. It's too dangerous."

He felt her grab his hand.

"I want to be with you."

He started to get up, letting her hand go.

"It's too dangerous."

He walked away, heading toward his bedroom. He shut the door behind him, locking it. He wanted to be alone tonight. It just felt right. He laid down on his bed, the last good night's rest he may have. Yet he spoke too soon. He heard his pager go off, and reached for it across the night stand. He dialed the number and heard Susan's voice over pure chaos. Something mumbled about having to come in, that he was on call tonight. He reluctantly got out of bed, and headed down the stairs, not bothering to inform Kem that he was leaving.

He reached the hospital in record time, parking his car quickly to one of the sides, and jumping out. They had a multi car pile up on the Eisenhower and all the victims were being shipped to County. He grabbed one of the first and most critical victims. He walked in with the gurney, waving in for Susan to see.

"Where do you want her?"

He saw her look around, then back at him.

"Trauma one. Abby's waiting for you."

He looked back at the patient and rushed toward Trauma one. Abby or no Abby, she needed attention, STAT. He hoped they would be professional. And the awkward silence that strained them wouldn't be there, at least through the trauma.

He got into the room, doing everything possible not to meet gazes with her. But it was sort of complicated since they had to work on an intubation, so they were centimetres apart. Yet he hadn't felt as exhilarated nor as pleased with his work in months. After the initial run had gone through smoothly, he stepped back and watched her run the trauma. She knew exactly what she was doing, in every possible situation. She had gotten a chest tube in less than three minutes, which was astounding. She was in complete control. She handed him the orders and he quickly signed them, not doubting one thing on the chart.

As soon as she was rolled upstairs to the ICU, another one came in. Him and Abby, again. He just watched her this time. And it was even more complicated. They ended up having to do a cut down. And she did everything like a pro, from the incision to the suture. He wasn't sure this was the same woman he had spoken to a few hours ago. And he instantly fell in love with her again. Because she had that power over him. Every time he saw her, he fell in love with her all over again. And he always would, no matter how much he tried not to.

He watched her finish him up, and ship him off to surgery. He walked out of the room, and saw Susan. He needed to tell her that he was leaving, indefinitely, to the Congo. This wasn't going to be easy.

"Susan, can I talk to you for a sec?"

She looked at him, smiling.

"Yeah. I can even give you two."

He followed her into the lounge, both craving a cup of mud. Or coffee. There was no difference.

"So what's up?"

He sat down on the couch, right next to her.

"I'm going back."

She dropped the relaxed look from her face.

"Africa?"

He started to nod his head.

"Why?"

He didn't feel like explaining it to her. It was such an internal need.

"I just need to be there."

She looked at the door, probably debating what to tell him to stay.

"This is because of Abby."

She didn't say it like a question, just a pure, well-known fact.

"No . . . No it isn't."

She looked at him in disbelief.

"So you're just running away?"

He started to stand up. She had no right to say that.

"I'm not just running away! We're over, Susan. It was doomed from the beginning. I'm going back to Africa because there are millions of people that need me, people who are dying without medical attention..."

He was screaming it near the end, out of rage.

"You're running away."

She was moved, or even concerned. She knew him too well, and she knew that nothing would happen to her. Even if he was in one of his rages.

"I have no reason to stay."

He saw her shake her head, a gaze that said 'you're an idiot'.

"You have every reason to stay."

He started to shake his head.

"I'm leaving because it's the best thing for me."

She rolled her eyes.

"You should tell her."

He gave her a questioning glace.

"Tell her what?"

He watched her run her hand through her blonde hair.

"That you're desperately in love with her and can't live another second without her."

It had been funny the first time. He just gave her this harsh look.

"You're hopeless."

He needed to say something. This was getting ridiculous.

"No. I'm not hopeless. I've found a woman I can be with, who loves me for who I am, and doesn't expect anything from me."

She had begun to walk toward the door, but she quickly turned around.

"But do you love her?"

He didn't know how to respond. Yes, he loved her? No, he didn't? It had been easy with Abby. It just felt so right to say it. But now. He was being cautious, careful. He didn't want to get hurt. Those three words could save lives, and destroy them at the same time.