Several verbatim and not-so-verbatim quotes and plots from various episodes (204-206 and 809, among others) in this one.

Canon scenes slightly edited to account for character backstory (namely, Ross being Chandler's college roommate) that hadn't been written into the show at the time.

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Knock knock knock knock knock.

Rachel peeled one eye open, blinking in the light of her window.

Knock knock knock knock knock.

"Monicaaaaaa..." she called hoarsely. Mon woke up at dawn to run, which, in Rachel's opinion, was a crime against God and the snooze alarm. It also meant Mon was in charge of anyone knocking at the obscene hour of...

Rachel eyed the clock. Noon.

Yeah, well.

"Comiiiiing," she groaned, stumbling out of her room and towards the door, yanking it open. "What?"

"Um, hi," a small blonde man in a tan jacket said, holding a bouquet of flowers. "Um... sorry to wake you up... I'm looking for Phoebe Buffay... does she still live here?"

Rachel rubbed her eyes. "No, but we're friends, I can get a message to her..."

"Great. Um... just tell her that her husband stopped by, okay?"

The man pressed the bouquet into Rachel's hands.

"Sure, yeah, I'll tell her... thanks," Rachel mumbled, shutting the door... and then falling against it, jaw open, as her sleep-numbed, margarita-soaked neurons connected.

"Holy crap," Rachel whispered. "Holy...!"

***

"I can't believe you didn't tell me!" Monica shrieked.

"Oh, c'mon... like you tell me everything," Phoebe snapped.

"What have I not told you?"

"Oh, I don't know... how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace!"

Rachel gasped, following Joey and Ross to the window. Now that she thought about it... that underwear did look familar...!

"Wait a minute," Monica hissed. "Who told you?"

She whirled on Chandler. "You are dead meat!"

"I didn't know it was a... big secret..." Chandler said sheepishly.

"Oh, it's not big," Monica snapped. "Not at all, y'know, kinda along the same lines as, say, oh, I dunno, having a third nipple?"

Phoebe gasped. "You have a third nipple?"

"Yoooooou bitch," Chandler growled.

"Whip it out, whip it out!" Ross cried, bouncing up and down on the couch.

"You've seen it!" Chandler snapped. "C'mon, there's nothing to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless!"

"I can't believe you!" Joey cried. "You told me it was a nubbin!"

"Joey..." Ross sighed, "What did you think a nubbin was?"

"I dunno, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was! Lemme see it again!"

"So what's it shaped like?" Phoebe demanded. "Is there a hair on it?"

"What happens if you flick it?" Joey laughed.

"Yeah, Chandler," Rachel teased, reaching out and popping her fingernails against it. "Does it do anything... special?"

"Why yes, Rach, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the Magical Land of Narnia," Chandler drawled.

"C'mon, let us see!" Monica cried.

"Bring out the nubbin!" Phoebe laughed.

"Hey, knock it off, knock it..." Chandler turned, pointing desperately, "Joey was in a porno movie!"

Everyone gasped.

"If I'm going down, I'm takin' everybody with me," Chandler said defensively.

Phoebe and Monica ran over to Joey, and Rachel picked up her glass, headed back to the kitchen. Joey in a porno...? Why was she just not that surprised?

Her spine prickled, and she turned around.

Ross... was staring at her.

Why was Ross staring at her?

After a moment, he jumped off the couch and jogged over. "You, uh, you need some help with that?"

"This one glass?" she held it up. "No, thanks, it's under control."

"So, uh... that's pretty crazy, huh? With the third nipple, right?"

Rachel ran her glass under the tap. "You've seen it before, though. Probably not that exciting."

"Well yeah, sure, I was his roommate. The uh, the thing that was exciting, well, uh, I don't mean exciting exactly but... the interesting thing, the um, kind of surprising thing, um... see, I couldn't help but notice that, uh..."

Rachel rinsed the glass, fighting an impatient sigh. Grass grew faster than Ross talked sometimes.

"Yes?"

"Well I, um, I was, uh..."

Now Rachel did sigh. "Ross! For god's sake, spit it out!"

"How'd you know where it was?"

Rachel nearly dropped the glass, her brain going blank.

"Know where... what was?"

"The nipple. On Chandler's body."

"I don't know where it is," she said carefully.

"Um, yeah, I uh, I hate to contradict you there, Rach, but uh -- ya flicked it. We were, uh, discussing the flicking, and you, well, you just kinda reached over and, well, ya did it."

"I reached over and flicked him, yeah..."

"No-no, no, no, see, you didn't flick him, you flicked it. Snipers should be that accurate."

"I hit it?"

"You nailed it."

Rachel shrugged. "Huh. Go fig."

"You know, uh, if anyone were to say to me, um, 'Hey Ross, hypothetically speaking, uh, where would you guess a third nipple would be', y'know, it really wouldn'ta been there."

Rachel focused on the glass, keeping her voice light. "I thought that's where they all were."

"Um, yeah, in your, uh, your extensive third nipple research?"

"It's where my grandpa's was," Rachel said in exasperation. "What are you getting at, Ross?"

"Your, uh... your grandpa had one?" A spark of hope filled Ross' eyes.

"Yeah, Grandpa Green," Rachel sighed, settling into the lie, letting irritation fill her voice. "Right on his side, where... I'm guessin' from your little freak-out here... Chandler's is."

"Right." Ross ran his thumb over the counter. "Right. Cool. Got it."

"Is there a problem?"

"No, uh... no problem. I'm just, y'know. Freaked out, 'cause... 'cause Joey's in a porno. Whooo! Mind-blower!"

Monica yanked Chandler into the kitchen, backing him up against the counter. "I can't believe you told everyone about the underwear!"

"I'm sorry Mon, I figured you'd already told everyone..."

"Yeah, well... you owe me for that one, buddy," Monica said, her voice dropping to a sultry register, her hands sliding down his tie. "I'll be thinkin' of ways you can make that up to me."

Rachel's grip on the glass tightened, her lips compressing. Ross searched her face, not liking what he found there.

"Y'know, I, uh... I'll getcha somethin' nice," Chandler said uneasily. "Some, uh, attachments for your blender."

"We'll talk," Monica replied coyly, patting his stomach and walking away, hips swinging.

"So, uh... I was thinkin' we could do somethin' different, hang out at my place tonight," Ross said, his eyes flickering between Monica, Rachel, and Chandler. "I'd love for you guys to spend more time with Julie."

"Sounds great," Rachel said, trying to force down the bile in her throat.

"And I know what movie we can watch," Chandler laughed.

"Joey's porn?" Monica grinned, staring brazenly at Chandler. "Sounds exciting."

The phone rang, and Chandler lunged for it. "Hello?"

He put her hand over the receiver, holding it out to Ross. "Guys, it's your parents."

Ross walked towards the window with the phone, Monica trailing afterwards. "Hey, Dad!"

Chandler leaned against the counter, lowering his voice. "How long you gonna wash that glass?"

"Until I quit wanting to break it and use it as a weapon."

"Okay, you know that was not my idea, right?"

"Yes," she sighed.

"I will figure something out, okay?"

"It might be too late for that."

"Wha... whaddya mean?

"Ross noticed the flicking. Specifically, he noticed the... accuracy of the flicking."

"Oh god... I didn't even think about that. What did you say?"

"I think I put him off. But we have to be more careful."

"How are we going to do that? Rach, 'Horny and Desperate' is practically my tombstone inscription, okay? Isn't anyone going to think it's weird that I'm running from Monica? She's not exactly bein' subtle!"

"So maybe you don't run from Monica," Rachel said.

"Is that what you want?"

"No! But we're kind of in a corner here, Chandler!"

"Maybe this is stupid," Chandler groaned, running his fingers through his hair.

"It is stupid! But think about it for a minute, Chandler. Think about Ross. Think about Monica. Think about how they're gonna feel, how pissed they're gonna be. There has to be a better time... there just has to be."

Rachel set the glass on the sideboard. "And we have to be better, Chandler. No more pushing me up against the fridge, no more little under-the-blanket adventures. We could so have gotten caught."

"I know." Chandler kicked at the floor with his toe. "I know, okay? But this sucks. This just... sucks."

"So we wait, and then maybe it won't suck."

"I'll figure something out," Chandler said, pushing himself off the counter. "I will figure something out."

Ross hung up the phone. "Hey, you guys, guess what? Our parents want to have all of us over to dinner at their house for my birthday!"

"What?" Monica cried. "They didn't even remember my birthday! Besides, we already had stuff planned!"

"I think dinner at your parents' house sounds great!" Phoebe chirped.

"And by great, I mean free, and not sixty-five dollars apiece," she whispered to Joey.

"Oh-oh-oh I think that's a great idea too!" Joey cried. "Let's do that! I am all about some doin' that!"

"Chandler?" Monica cried.

"Well, I mean, Mon, we did have some stuff planned, but if this is what Ross wants to do..."

"Ya gotta go with what the birthday boy wants to do!" Joey insisted, high-fiving Phoebe behind the couch.

***

"Well, Mom," Monica said in disgust, sliding plates into the dishwasher. "You guys really outdid yourselves this year."

"Well, nothing's too good for our boy..."

Jack brushed past Judy and gave her a sharp pinch.

"And your promotion, of course, dear. We're celebrating that too. We just didn't have time to decorate for it... I mean, you, getting promoted, it was such a surprise...!"

"Wow, the uh, the giant poster of Ross' head... that's fantastic." Chandler gestured to the monstrosity currently dominating the sideboard.

"I got a scanner," Jack Geller said proudly.

"So you did," Chandler said, rocking back and forth, hands in his pockets. "So you did. I'd actually kinda, um, guessed that, from the, uh, 'Ross' head' party napkins."

"Oh, they do everything at Kinko's nowadays," Judy sighed happily, touching a corner of the colossal poster lovingly.

"Do they put twenty-eight-year-olds up for adoption?" Monica muttered.

"What's that, darling?" Judy called.

"I was just admiring the little Ross paper dessert plates."

"Oh yes, your father did a lovely job... who's ready for coffee?"

***

"Okay, what are you doing moping out here?" Monica asked, setting down at the other edge of the porch swing. "You're the one with their face on the spoons! This mope belongs to me, buddy."

"I dunno," Ross sighed. "Just thinkin', I guess."

"Thinkin' bout what?"

"Mon? Have you noticed something... something kinda weird between Rachel and Chandler lately?"

"Not really..."

"I'm really startin' to think she... y'know... likes him."

Monica laughed. "Not possible."

"How, um... how do you know that?"

"Because I happen to know she likes someone else."

"O-oh really? Um, um, whom?"

"Can't say."

"Aw, Mon, c'mon... tell me."

"I can't, seriously... she'd kill me."

"Who'm I gonna tell? C'mon."

"Ross, I can't! Let it go!"

"Just tell me why you can't tell me!"

"Because you know him."

"Do I know him well?"

"Very well."

"And it isn't Chandler?"

"It's definitely not Chandler."

"Joey?"

"God, no!"

"Mon," Ross laughed. "What guys are in the group besides Joey, Chandler, and..."

He broke off, a look of wonder on his face. "Me?"

"Oh god, I am so dead," Monica groaned, leaning against the swing chain.

"Rachel. Rachel Green. Rachel Green likes... me?"

"I wasn't supposed to tell you! She went to meet you at the airport to tell you she loved you, and there you were with Julie..."

"Oh my god!"

"And she's been so weird, Ross, I mean, I've been really worried about her."

"All this time I've been with Julie, Rachel's been..."

"Yeah, Ross! And there you were, y'know, 'you hang up first!', 'noo, you hang up first!'... d'ya know, she went out and got totally trashed at some bar that night?"

"She loves me?"

"Well, yeah! But you're with Julie!"

"Julie," Ross repeated, his face forlorn.

"And Julie's great, and Rachel's trying to be happy for you, Ross, she really is. Do you know, when we went shopping yesterday... she helped Julie pick out lingerie? I mean, can you imagine, you, going to help Paolo... pick out boxers to sleep with Rachel in?"

"Oh, god," Ross said in horror. "What do I do, Mon? What do I do?"

"Well, I guess you... I guess you make a decision," Monica sighed, rubbing his back. "I'm sorry, sweetie. I know this can't be easy."

"Rachel Green," Ross mumbled. "Rachel Green."

"Honey, are you gonna be okay?"

"I've... I've gotta think. Um, I'll be back."

***

Ross pushed open his bedroom door, fumbling for the switch, bright light flaring up on a scene frozen in time. Science Olympiad trophies... his dresser-top filled with Star Wars models... his keyboard gleaming in a corner... his old backpack dangling from a peg, its faded "Geology Rocks" sticker peeling and worn.

He opened the closet, pressing aside the rows of many-zippered pants and day-glo shirts, making space for himself, reaching down to trace the outline of the small door that led to the attic crawlspace.

He swallowed hard and opened it, reaching his hand inside, praying a prayer against spiders.

The flashlight was where he'd left it, still hanging from a bent nail. He tapped the case, pressed the button, and -- unbelievably -- light burst out of the end.

He found himself suddenly hoping like hell that Judy didn't come up here every few months and change the batteries.

Ross stuck the flashlight in his waistband and crawled through the door, standing up, knees popping.

This had been the secret headquarters of the "I Hate Rachel Green" club, where he and Will and Takaka had met religiously... until Will got too big to fit through the door and started pretending to be too busy.

And once the club had disbanded, this room had become... something else.

The photos had been Will's idea; Will got a perverse glee out of blackening Rachel's teeth, drawing on horns, occasionally doodling in the tiny-weenie. Will had made endless copies of yearbook photos in the library, papering these walls with them.

Ross' flashlight spun, making bright halos of Rachel's past.

Rachel doing the splits, Rachel giving a speech as Class President, Rachel in her Homecoming Queen banner. Rachel beaming at a pizza party, Rachel and Chip in a lip-lock, Rachel at Prom... and taped on top, Will's personal masterpiece: a huge enlargement of Rachel's senior picture, taped to a Playboy centerfold... with a bit extra added that Will had clipped from a magazine he'd found in his mother's dresser drawer.

Ross turned from Will's wall, and faced his own.

He'd told Will he was waiting to deface these pictures for when he thought of something really awful to do, but the truth was... he'd just liked to stare at her. Up here, in the stale attic air, listening to Will rant and rave... at least he'd been talking about her, freely and openly, no one giving him the look, that poor delusional geek look.

His pictures of Rachel were all beautiful.

He crossed the tiny room, stooping against the ceiling beams, breathing dust, reaching out to touch a yellowed clipping from the school paper, a worn wallet photo, a tattered Xerox.

Rachel Green was in love with him.

God. He'd wanted her so long, so badly... would have given anything to have her, to touch her, to have her simply remember his name occasionally.

And she was in love with him.

A burst of noise downstairs; he needed to get back to the party, but... this room, this secret part of his heart, kept him rooted in place. So many years...

"Sweetie?"

Ross jumped, dropping the flashlight. He scrambled for it, hitting his head on a beam, crying out.

"Julie? Julie, honey... what are you doing here?"

"Happy Birthday!" she cried, sticking her head through the door and grabbing the flashlight. "Sorry I scared you, hon... I came back early from New Mexico as a surprise! So, surprise!"

"Oh, I am... I am surprised," Ross groaned, holding his head. "Just back out and let me come through, okay?"

"What's in here?" Julie asked, pulling herself further through the hole. "Was this your little hidey-hole as a kid? How cute!"

"No, no, it's a very, very dangerous place, w-with spiders, and an unsteady floor! Let's get out of here, okay?"

"I love hidey-holes," Julie grinned, pulling her feet through and standing up. "I used to have the best one in this hollow tree in our backyard..."

She turned on the flashlight, and Ross shuddered. A white circle illuminated a picture of Rachel and Monica at Prom.

"Oh, pictures of your friends! Ross, how sweet!"

"Yeah, it's super-sweet, let's go..."

"Oh my god... Monica's huge!"

"Yes, she was very large, we have much better pictures downstairs, c'mon..."

"Ohh... there's Rachel! Wow, what a nose! And another one of Rachel... oooh, do you have any of Joey? I bet he was so cute as... okay, more Rachel, more Rachel... geez, Ross..."

"Julie, I don't want to be up here anymore, okay? I am claustrophobic, and I..."

Julie swung the flashlight around to the other wall, and gasped. Will's monstrosity shone in the beam of light, the glossy magazine pages reflecting Julie's look of horror.

"Ross, what... what is this?"

The flashlight swung methodically around the room, each inch illuminated in a precise grid pattern. He'd seen Julie sweep digs like this... and then he blinked as the flashlight shone directly into his eyes.

"Ross," Julie whispered, heartbreak in her voice. "You're... you're crazy."

"Honey, I'm not, I can explain..."

Julie backed away from him. "You... tacked a penis on Rachel..."

"It was a joke! It was a club! Honey, just hear me out..."

"Don't call me that," Julie said, voice trembling. "I... oh my god. I have to get out of here..."

"Julie, wait..."

She dropped the flashlight, slipping through the door easily, and Ross cursed his height as he tried to cram himself through the small hole in the darkness, hearing the sound of her feet pounding down the stairs.

"Julie!" he screamed. "Julie, wait!"

And finally he was through, running down the stairs after her, pounding out onto the porch. Julie was half-in her little Honda, tears streaming down her face.

"Don't call me, Ross," she said. "I mean it. I will get a restraining order. Maybe Rachel should get one, too." She threw herself into the driver's seat, starting the engine.

He ran in front of the car, slamming his hands down on the hood. "Julie, let me explain...!"

"Get out of the way, Ross!"

"Julie, I won't! You have to listen to me!"

Ross stumbled forward as Julie reversed violently, spinning her car around, taking off down the street.

Ross turned. Everyone was on the porch, staring.

"Son, what happened?" Jack asked.

"Um... y'know... lover's quarrel," Ross mumbled. "She'll get over it."

"Dude, that didn't look anything like a 'get over it' kinda thing," Joey said. "What the hell?"

"It's a long story. I dunno." Ross sighed, putting his hands in his pockets. "Maybe... maybe it's for the best, in a weird kinda way... like a sign, y'know?"

"Well, uh... let's go in," Monica said awkwardly, pushing on Joey and Chandler's shoulders. "C'mon, guys, let's... let's give him a minute."

"Actually, um, Rach... couldya stay?" Ross asked.

Rachel played with her necklace nervously. "Sure, sure Ross... what's up?"

"I need..."

Ross took a deep breath.

"I need to talk to you."