Rachel stirred another Sweet-n-Low into her styrofoam cup of coffee, letting out a little yawn. She looked at the clock -- just fifteen more minutes. She could last fifteen more minutes, right?
She'd lain awake all night, her mind buzzing... and, of course, the sleepiness hadn't hit until just about the time she had to get up for work. She was going home and going straight to bed...
"Hey, Rach?"
She looked up blearily. "Yeah?"
"Sorry to do this to you, but... this lady just came in and asked for you specifically."
"Seriously?" Rachel groaned.
"Yeah, but if it makes you feel any better... she asked for you specifically... in front of Mr. Waltham."
Rachel brightened, extending her cup. "You want this?"
Her co-worker accepted the coffee, and Rachel hauled herself back to the dressing rooms.
"Julie?" she whispered.
Julie turned around from the mirror. "Hey, Rachel."
"What... what...?"
"I have an interview," Julie shrugged. "Needed some new stuff. And nobody shops for me like you do."
"Oh! Oh, okay. Well, this interview, are you going for super-professional, or slightly casual, o-or..."
"You know what? That's crap. I mean, I do have an interview, and you are a great shopper, but... I came to talk to you."
"Oh." Rachel sagged against the doorway.
"Look, I... I don't think you should date Ross. And I'm not saying this as a jealous ex or anything, I'm... well, you were always really nice to me. And I... I don't think you should date Ross."
"Well... I mean, honestly, Julie... I don't think I should date Ross either. But I have my own reasons for that, I'm... well. Why don't you want me dating Ross?"
"Um. What are your reasons for not wanting to date Ross?"
"Wh... why do you want to know?"
"Because... because if they're the same reasons I don't want you to date Ross, then I can talk to you about why I don't want you to date Ross, and god... that would be a huge load off."
"Well, um. I mean, Ross is great, he's a great friend, but... he kinda... well. Bores me."
"Ross?" Julie asked incredulously. "Bores you? Ross Geller?"
"Well... well, yeah."
"B-but... he's so funny, and so smart! God, he used to crack me up all the time! He's got that, that amazingly, intelligent dry wit!"
"Aren't you trying to convince me not to date him?"
Julie blushed. "Yeah, yeah I am. It's just... you shocked me, with that one. I can't imagine being bored by Ross."
"Well... I think maybe he's making the jokes, and I'm not getting them. Or, y'know... I think this is maybe more likely... he's not making the jokes, 'cause he thinks I won't get them. He, uh... well." Rachel bit her lip. "He considers you an intellectual equal, y'know? Me, me he definitely does not. Which is, well, I can't blame him. I don't like dinosaurs, or Ukranian films, or punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era..."
"God, that was an amazing paper," Julie sighed.
"See! You see? You love that paper... I don't even understand the title! God, Julie... why, why, why aren't you still with Ross? Why?"
"Because he's obsessed with you, Rachel! And I don't mean obsessed like most people say obsessed, I mean he's... serial-killer, body-parts-in-the-freezer, obsessed!"
Rachel burst out laughing. "No, he's not!"
"Yes, he is! Believe me!"
"Julie, he's not. I mean, he had a slightly creepy thing for me in high school, but he's not obsessed with me now! He wanted to date me for a while, and I guess he still sorta does, but Julie... the minute we saw you in that movie theater, he forgot I existed!"
"Rachel, you don't... you don't understand. He has this... this creepy shrine to you."
"Shrine? Oh... the shrine in his closet?"
Julie blinked. "You know about that?"
"I've never seen it, but Monica told me about it."
"Rachel, I really think you need to see this, I mean..."
Her co-worker's voice cut through Julie's distress. "Rachel? You have a phone call, line four."
"Oh, okay. Julie, hold that thought." Rachel picked up the phone. "Hello? Oh hey, Mon... no, I'm not off yet, but it's okay..." Rachel gaped into the phone. "He did what? Oh my god, you're kidding?!"
Julie looked on in confusion as Rachel began to hop up and down.
"Monica, that's fantastic, that's amazing, give him... give him a hug for me! Sure, you can put me on hold..."
Rachel put her hand over the handset. "Joey got a part on 'Days of Our Lives'! Can you believe it?"
"That's great," Julie said. "But Rach, um, I don't think you understand how creepy this shrine is, okay? If you'd seen it... you wouldn't be this casual about it..."
"It was a million years ago, though... oh my god, I'm so happy for Joey! Oh my god, what if I get to visit him on the set? On the set!"
"Rachel," Julie said forcefully. "Listen. To. Me. Concentrate for just a sec, okay?"
"Okay..." Rachel continued to dance in place.
"Stop dancing."
"Okaaaay," Rachel sighed, standing still.
"This was not some teenager's group of girlie pictures, okay? This was sick and morbid. There was even this huge collage of you, with a penis stuck on you! A penis, Rachel! Ross has... Ross has issues!"
"A penis," Rachel repeated.
"Yes. Cut out from a magazine."
The hold music cut off, and Rachel put the phone back to her ear. "Monica -- why didn't you tell me that Ross' little shrine to me had creepy penis pictures in it?"
Rachel paused, her eyes narrowing. "What tiny-weenie? I did not have a... oh my god!!"
Julie watched as Rachel paced, furious. "They said I... Tootsie Roll? No, that does not make me feel better, Monica! When did this... who the hell is Will? A what? A what? How could you not tell me this??"
Rachel let out a little scream. "No, no, that's fine, answer the door! And I hope you've always wanted to be an only child, 'cause guess what? Your brother is a dead man!"
Julie jumped as Rachel slammed the phone down. "Um... Rachel...?"
"Well, there's good news and bad news," Rachel spat. "The good news is... Ross isn't a demented killer. The bad news is, I'm about to be one!"
"Um... what?"
"All those pictures? They had a club! The 'I Hate Rachel Green' club! And apparently, there was some Will asshole, who hated me, and he's the one who made all the penis pictures! They started a rumor about me that I was a... a hermaphrodite! Oh, and they thought it was just sooooo funny! This explains, like, half the weird crap that happened to me in high school!"
"Ross... Ross didn't make those pictures?"
"No, no, it was that Will freak! That was their little... clubhouse, or something. Ross was all in love with me or whatever, and I wouldn't talk to him, so he joined this stupid club and let them meet in his bedroom... I am gonna kill him! Kill him!"
"Ross isn't crazy?"
"Yes, Ross is crazy! Ross is totally crazy! Who joins a club to hate someone?"
"I was, uh... actually, I was in this, um, "We Hate Stephanie Simmons" club in high school," Julie blushed. "She was the cheerleading captain, and this total bitch, and..."
"Oooooh, you are so not the person I need to be talking to right now!!"
"Rachel, I know, I know this pisses you off, but I'm... well... I'm pretty happy."
"Happy? How can you be..." Rachel trailed off. "Ohhhhhh."
Julie hugged herself. "Yeah."
"Do you, uh... you want to get back together with Ross?"
"I do, I do, I definitely... ohhh." Julie paused. "Are you, are you okay with that?"
"I'm fine with it! I think a man should enjoy his last hours on earth!"
Julie beamed. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go find him, I..."
"Yeah, well, if you could accidentally kick him in the nads, I'd really appreciate it."
***
"We're here..." Ross said, setting Ben's carseat down next to the door.
Monica came running, lifting Ben out of Ross' arms. "Who da Wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-Wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes..."
"Is Rachel here yet?" Ross asked, divesting himself of baby gear.
"Nope, not yet. I was just on the phone with her, I think she got held up at work. And um, Ross? About Rachel..."
"Look... I don't want to talk about Rachel right now."
Monica stopped bouncing Ben. "Ross... what's wrong?"
"Oh... everything." Ross dropped into a chair. "I ran into Julie on Saturday, on this just, beyond horrible date with Rachel... and she just, she just looked... wow. And then I tried to call Rachel on Sunday, and she wasn't answering the phone, and I... how did I screw both these things up at once? Somebody put me out of my misery!"
If Chandler flicked magazine pages with a little more force than usual, no one but Joey noticed.
"You know what you need," Monica said. "Pie!"
"Pie," Ross repeated dubiously.
"Yep, it's Kiwi Lime, you'll like it. I made it for Joey, 'cause he's got some news!"
"What news, Joe?" Ross asked, getting a knife out of the drawer. "Key Lime, huh?"
"I got a job on 'Days of Our Lives'!" Joey screeched.
"Seriously, Joe? That's fantastic! Well, you definitely get the first piece of pie!"
"Damn right I do," Joey grinned, getting plates down. "I'm gonna be Dr. Drake Ramoray, neurosurgeon!"
"You're... you're gonna be a neurosurgeon," Ross choked, setting a piece of pie on Joey's plate.
"I'm gonna read lines like I was one!" Joey replied happily, popping a forkful into his mouth. "Ohh, Mon. This is goo-oo-oood."
"I'll get in on some of that action," Chandler said, rising from the couch and taking a plate.
"Here's a fork," Monica said, laying her hand at the small of Chandler's back. He stiffened.
Ross took a bite. "Wow, this is good. So Joey, when do you start?"
"Next Monday. One of the chicks is in a wreck. I save her brain... and steal her heart."
"Nice," Monica laughed. "He's a Benny-Wenny! Wittle Benny-Wenny!"
Ross coughed suddenly, touching his throat.
"Ross, you okay?" Joey asked.
"I don't know," Ross stuttered. "What's -- what's in this pie?"
"Uh, I dunno... butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi..."
Ross's eyes flew wide. "Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie!"
"No, I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it special!"
"And that's what's gonna kill me! I'm allergic to kiwi!"
"No, you're not," Monica insisted. "You're allergic to lobster, and peanuts, and..." she trailed off. "Oh my god."
"God! When I thaid 'put me out of my mithery' -- I was joking!"
"Ross, I'm sorry! I forgot!"
"Ith dethinithly gething worth," Ross choked.
"Is your tongue swelling up?"
"Either tha or my thongue ith gething smaller!"
"All right, get your coat," Monica sighed. "We'll go to the hospital, get you a shot."
"A thot?" Ross' eyes flew wide. "Y'know, athually, athually ith gething bether. Leth not go. Anyone for Thrabble?"
"Jacket. Now," Monica insisted.
"I canth leath Ben!"
"We'll watch him," Joey insisted.
"I donth thinth tho!"
"C'mon, I have seven Catholic sisters, I've taken care of hundreds of kids," Joey soothed. "Go on, go on."
Monica shoved Ben into Joey's arms, pushing Ross out the door.
"Um." Chandler looked fearfully at the small person in Joey's arms. "Whadda we do now?"
"See if we can get him to sleep," Joey said, rocking Ben back and forth. "That's the easiest. Here, you hold him, I'll kill the lights and warm up a bottle."
"I don't wanna --" Chandler reacted as Joey shoved Ben into his arms. "Oh, I'm holding him, I'm holding him..."
"Get his head, okay? And sit down with him."
Chandler sat down gingerly in the big white chair, and Joey doused all the lights, closing the curtain over the big window. "Sing somethin'. Baby stuff."
"Uhhh..." Chandler racked his brain. "You are my sunshine... my only sunshine..."
"That's good, little bit quieter though," Joey whispered, heading for the stove, bottle in hand.
"You make me happy... when skies are grey..." Chandler sang softly. "You never know, dear... how much I love you..."
Ben reached out, patting Chandler's face, grabbing onto his finger.
"Ohhh, that's kinda cool," Chandler whispered.
"Keep singin'," Joey hissed.
"Umm... hush-a-bye, don't you cry, go to sleep-y, little baby..."
Ben's eyes fluttered, his hold on Chandler's finger getting weaker. Joey looked over, smiled, and opened up the Pack n' Play.
"He's out," Chandler whispered.
"Okay, put him in here... I'll turn the stove off."
Chandler laid Ben down, joining Joey on the couch. "So whadda we do now?" he said under his breath. "Just sit here in the dark?"
"Yeah. It's safer than the alternative."
"The alternative being...?"
"Takin' him out. What, I never told you what happened to me the time I babysat Nicky?"
***
Slam!
Phoebe looked up from Joey and Chandler's counter. "Hi, Rachel."
"Okay... where are they?"
"They ran out to get a keg for the 'Congratulations, Joey' party. What's up?"
"I'm gonna kill them, that's what's up!"
"Why?"
"I just talked to Monica! I cannot believe they left Ben on a bus!"
"Oh, yeah." Phoebe went back to her cereal.
"Oh yeah? That is not an 'oh, yeah' thing! How could they be so irresponsible?"
"They're boys."
"That's not good enough! Y'know, I hope you like Girl's Night Outs, because everything with a penis in our group of friends... dies, tonight!"
"What's going on?"
"Well, for starters, Ross, with his 'I Hate Rachel Green' club, and now Joey and Chandler... arrrrgh!"
"Well, they should be back any minute, if you wanna go yell at them."
"Oh, I do! Believe me, I do!"
"Oh, hey... if you're gonna go scream at Chandler, would you give him something for me?"
"What? Sure, why not..."
Phoebe pulled a rubber stamp out of her purse. "It's this stamp he had me make for him today at Kinko's. I thought he might want it back... I mean, it's only been used once."
"What does Chandler need with a..." Rachel grabbed it out of Phoebe's hand, her jaw dropping. "... stamp that says 'Property of Human Services'?"
"Hey, can I ask you a question?" Phoebe asked. "How mad at Chandler... is Monica?"
"Are you kidding? She's furious! You know how she feels about babies, and especially about Ben... she wants to kick his ass!"
"Wow," Phoebe sighed. "That's too bad. I guess she must not have a crush on him anymore, huh?"
"Of course she doesn't! She's so pissed off, I..." Rachel broke off suddenly. "Phoebe?"
"Yuh-huh?" Phoebe said innocently, taking another bite of cereal.
"Chandler... he... had had you make this?"
Phoebe grinned.
She'd lain awake all night, her mind buzzing... and, of course, the sleepiness hadn't hit until just about the time she had to get up for work. She was going home and going straight to bed...
"Hey, Rach?"
She looked up blearily. "Yeah?"
"Sorry to do this to you, but... this lady just came in and asked for you specifically."
"Seriously?" Rachel groaned.
"Yeah, but if it makes you feel any better... she asked for you specifically... in front of Mr. Waltham."
Rachel brightened, extending her cup. "You want this?"
Her co-worker accepted the coffee, and Rachel hauled herself back to the dressing rooms.
"Julie?" she whispered.
Julie turned around from the mirror. "Hey, Rachel."
"What... what...?"
"I have an interview," Julie shrugged. "Needed some new stuff. And nobody shops for me like you do."
"Oh! Oh, okay. Well, this interview, are you going for super-professional, or slightly casual, o-or..."
"You know what? That's crap. I mean, I do have an interview, and you are a great shopper, but... I came to talk to you."
"Oh." Rachel sagged against the doorway.
"Look, I... I don't think you should date Ross. And I'm not saying this as a jealous ex or anything, I'm... well, you were always really nice to me. And I... I don't think you should date Ross."
"Well... I mean, honestly, Julie... I don't think I should date Ross either. But I have my own reasons for that, I'm... well. Why don't you want me dating Ross?"
"Um. What are your reasons for not wanting to date Ross?"
"Wh... why do you want to know?"
"Because... because if they're the same reasons I don't want you to date Ross, then I can talk to you about why I don't want you to date Ross, and god... that would be a huge load off."
"Well, um. I mean, Ross is great, he's a great friend, but... he kinda... well. Bores me."
"Ross?" Julie asked incredulously. "Bores you? Ross Geller?"
"Well... well, yeah."
"B-but... he's so funny, and so smart! God, he used to crack me up all the time! He's got that, that amazingly, intelligent dry wit!"
"Aren't you trying to convince me not to date him?"
Julie blushed. "Yeah, yeah I am. It's just... you shocked me, with that one. I can't imagine being bored by Ross."
"Well... I think maybe he's making the jokes, and I'm not getting them. Or, y'know... I think this is maybe more likely... he's not making the jokes, 'cause he thinks I won't get them. He, uh... well." Rachel bit her lip. "He considers you an intellectual equal, y'know? Me, me he definitely does not. Which is, well, I can't blame him. I don't like dinosaurs, or Ukranian films, or punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era..."
"God, that was an amazing paper," Julie sighed.
"See! You see? You love that paper... I don't even understand the title! God, Julie... why, why, why aren't you still with Ross? Why?"
"Because he's obsessed with you, Rachel! And I don't mean obsessed like most people say obsessed, I mean he's... serial-killer, body-parts-in-the-freezer, obsessed!"
Rachel burst out laughing. "No, he's not!"
"Yes, he is! Believe me!"
"Julie, he's not. I mean, he had a slightly creepy thing for me in high school, but he's not obsessed with me now! He wanted to date me for a while, and I guess he still sorta does, but Julie... the minute we saw you in that movie theater, he forgot I existed!"
"Rachel, you don't... you don't understand. He has this... this creepy shrine to you."
"Shrine? Oh... the shrine in his closet?"
Julie blinked. "You know about that?"
"I've never seen it, but Monica told me about it."
"Rachel, I really think you need to see this, I mean..."
Her co-worker's voice cut through Julie's distress. "Rachel? You have a phone call, line four."
"Oh, okay. Julie, hold that thought." Rachel picked up the phone. "Hello? Oh hey, Mon... no, I'm not off yet, but it's okay..." Rachel gaped into the phone. "He did what? Oh my god, you're kidding?!"
Julie looked on in confusion as Rachel began to hop up and down.
"Monica, that's fantastic, that's amazing, give him... give him a hug for me! Sure, you can put me on hold..."
Rachel put her hand over the handset. "Joey got a part on 'Days of Our Lives'! Can you believe it?"
"That's great," Julie said. "But Rach, um, I don't think you understand how creepy this shrine is, okay? If you'd seen it... you wouldn't be this casual about it..."
"It was a million years ago, though... oh my god, I'm so happy for Joey! Oh my god, what if I get to visit him on the set? On the set!"
"Rachel," Julie said forcefully. "Listen. To. Me. Concentrate for just a sec, okay?"
"Okay..." Rachel continued to dance in place.
"Stop dancing."
"Okaaaay," Rachel sighed, standing still.
"This was not some teenager's group of girlie pictures, okay? This was sick and morbid. There was even this huge collage of you, with a penis stuck on you! A penis, Rachel! Ross has... Ross has issues!"
"A penis," Rachel repeated.
"Yes. Cut out from a magazine."
The hold music cut off, and Rachel put the phone back to her ear. "Monica -- why didn't you tell me that Ross' little shrine to me had creepy penis pictures in it?"
Rachel paused, her eyes narrowing. "What tiny-weenie? I did not have a... oh my god!!"
Julie watched as Rachel paced, furious. "They said I... Tootsie Roll? No, that does not make me feel better, Monica! When did this... who the hell is Will? A what? A what? How could you not tell me this??"
Rachel let out a little scream. "No, no, that's fine, answer the door! And I hope you've always wanted to be an only child, 'cause guess what? Your brother is a dead man!"
Julie jumped as Rachel slammed the phone down. "Um... Rachel...?"
"Well, there's good news and bad news," Rachel spat. "The good news is... Ross isn't a demented killer. The bad news is, I'm about to be one!"
"Um... what?"
"All those pictures? They had a club! The 'I Hate Rachel Green' club! And apparently, there was some Will asshole, who hated me, and he's the one who made all the penis pictures! They started a rumor about me that I was a... a hermaphrodite! Oh, and they thought it was just sooooo funny! This explains, like, half the weird crap that happened to me in high school!"
"Ross... Ross didn't make those pictures?"
"No, no, it was that Will freak! That was their little... clubhouse, or something. Ross was all in love with me or whatever, and I wouldn't talk to him, so he joined this stupid club and let them meet in his bedroom... I am gonna kill him! Kill him!"
"Ross isn't crazy?"
"Yes, Ross is crazy! Ross is totally crazy! Who joins a club to hate someone?"
"I was, uh... actually, I was in this, um, "We Hate Stephanie Simmons" club in high school," Julie blushed. "She was the cheerleading captain, and this total bitch, and..."
"Oooooh, you are so not the person I need to be talking to right now!!"
"Rachel, I know, I know this pisses you off, but I'm... well... I'm pretty happy."
"Happy? How can you be..." Rachel trailed off. "Ohhhhhh."
Julie hugged herself. "Yeah."
"Do you, uh... you want to get back together with Ross?"
"I do, I do, I definitely... ohhh." Julie paused. "Are you, are you okay with that?"
"I'm fine with it! I think a man should enjoy his last hours on earth!"
Julie beamed. "I'm gonna... I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go find him, I..."
"Yeah, well, if you could accidentally kick him in the nads, I'd really appreciate it."
***
"We're here..." Ross said, setting Ben's carseat down next to the door.
Monica came running, lifting Ben out of Ross' arms. "Who da Wenny-Benny boy? You the Wenny-Wenny-Benny-Benny boy, yes..."
"Is Rachel here yet?" Ross asked, divesting himself of baby gear.
"Nope, not yet. I was just on the phone with her, I think she got held up at work. And um, Ross? About Rachel..."
"Look... I don't want to talk about Rachel right now."
Monica stopped bouncing Ben. "Ross... what's wrong?"
"Oh... everything." Ross dropped into a chair. "I ran into Julie on Saturday, on this just, beyond horrible date with Rachel... and she just, she just looked... wow. And then I tried to call Rachel on Sunday, and she wasn't answering the phone, and I... how did I screw both these things up at once? Somebody put me out of my misery!"
If Chandler flicked magazine pages with a little more force than usual, no one but Joey noticed.
"You know what you need," Monica said. "Pie!"
"Pie," Ross repeated dubiously.
"Yep, it's Kiwi Lime, you'll like it. I made it for Joey, 'cause he's got some news!"
"What news, Joe?" Ross asked, getting a knife out of the drawer. "Key Lime, huh?"
"I got a job on 'Days of Our Lives'!" Joey screeched.
"Seriously, Joe? That's fantastic! Well, you definitely get the first piece of pie!"
"Damn right I do," Joey grinned, getting plates down. "I'm gonna be Dr. Drake Ramoray, neurosurgeon!"
"You're... you're gonna be a neurosurgeon," Ross choked, setting a piece of pie on Joey's plate.
"I'm gonna read lines like I was one!" Joey replied happily, popping a forkful into his mouth. "Ohh, Mon. This is goo-oo-oood."
"I'll get in on some of that action," Chandler said, rising from the couch and taking a plate.
"Here's a fork," Monica said, laying her hand at the small of Chandler's back. He stiffened.
Ross took a bite. "Wow, this is good. So Joey, when do you start?"
"Next Monday. One of the chicks is in a wreck. I save her brain... and steal her heart."
"Nice," Monica laughed. "He's a Benny-Wenny! Wittle Benny-Wenny!"
Ross coughed suddenly, touching his throat.
"Ross, you okay?" Joey asked.
"I don't know," Ross stuttered. "What's -- what's in this pie?"
"Uh, I dunno... butter, eggs, flour, lime, kiwi..."
Ross's eyes flew wide. "Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie!"
"No, I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it special!"
"And that's what's gonna kill me! I'm allergic to kiwi!"
"No, you're not," Monica insisted. "You're allergic to lobster, and peanuts, and..." she trailed off. "Oh my god."
"God! When I thaid 'put me out of my mithery' -- I was joking!"
"Ross, I'm sorry! I forgot!"
"Ith dethinithly gething worth," Ross choked.
"Is your tongue swelling up?"
"Either tha or my thongue ith gething smaller!"
"All right, get your coat," Monica sighed. "We'll go to the hospital, get you a shot."
"A thot?" Ross' eyes flew wide. "Y'know, athually, athually ith gething bether. Leth not go. Anyone for Thrabble?"
"Jacket. Now," Monica insisted.
"I canth leath Ben!"
"We'll watch him," Joey insisted.
"I donth thinth tho!"
"C'mon, I have seven Catholic sisters, I've taken care of hundreds of kids," Joey soothed. "Go on, go on."
Monica shoved Ben into Joey's arms, pushing Ross out the door.
"Um." Chandler looked fearfully at the small person in Joey's arms. "Whadda we do now?"
"See if we can get him to sleep," Joey said, rocking Ben back and forth. "That's the easiest. Here, you hold him, I'll kill the lights and warm up a bottle."
"I don't wanna --" Chandler reacted as Joey shoved Ben into his arms. "Oh, I'm holding him, I'm holding him..."
"Get his head, okay? And sit down with him."
Chandler sat down gingerly in the big white chair, and Joey doused all the lights, closing the curtain over the big window. "Sing somethin'. Baby stuff."
"Uhhh..." Chandler racked his brain. "You are my sunshine... my only sunshine..."
"That's good, little bit quieter though," Joey whispered, heading for the stove, bottle in hand.
"You make me happy... when skies are grey..." Chandler sang softly. "You never know, dear... how much I love you..."
Ben reached out, patting Chandler's face, grabbing onto his finger.
"Ohhh, that's kinda cool," Chandler whispered.
"Keep singin'," Joey hissed.
"Umm... hush-a-bye, don't you cry, go to sleep-y, little baby..."
Ben's eyes fluttered, his hold on Chandler's finger getting weaker. Joey looked over, smiled, and opened up the Pack n' Play.
"He's out," Chandler whispered.
"Okay, put him in here... I'll turn the stove off."
Chandler laid Ben down, joining Joey on the couch. "So whadda we do now?" he said under his breath. "Just sit here in the dark?"
"Yeah. It's safer than the alternative."
"The alternative being...?"
"Takin' him out. What, I never told you what happened to me the time I babysat Nicky?"
***
Slam!
Phoebe looked up from Joey and Chandler's counter. "Hi, Rachel."
"Okay... where are they?"
"They ran out to get a keg for the 'Congratulations, Joey' party. What's up?"
"I'm gonna kill them, that's what's up!"
"Why?"
"I just talked to Monica! I cannot believe they left Ben on a bus!"
"Oh, yeah." Phoebe went back to her cereal.
"Oh yeah? That is not an 'oh, yeah' thing! How could they be so irresponsible?"
"They're boys."
"That's not good enough! Y'know, I hope you like Girl's Night Outs, because everything with a penis in our group of friends... dies, tonight!"
"What's going on?"
"Well, for starters, Ross, with his 'I Hate Rachel Green' club, and now Joey and Chandler... arrrrgh!"
"Well, they should be back any minute, if you wanna go yell at them."
"Oh, I do! Believe me, I do!"
"Oh, hey... if you're gonna go scream at Chandler, would you give him something for me?"
"What? Sure, why not..."
Phoebe pulled a rubber stamp out of her purse. "It's this stamp he had me make for him today at Kinko's. I thought he might want it back... I mean, it's only been used once."
"What does Chandler need with a..." Rachel grabbed it out of Phoebe's hand, her jaw dropping. "... stamp that says 'Property of Human Services'?"
"Hey, can I ask you a question?" Phoebe asked. "How mad at Chandler... is Monica?"
"Are you kidding? She's furious! You know how she feels about babies, and especially about Ben... she wants to kick his ass!"
"Wow," Phoebe sighed. "That's too bad. I guess she must not have a crush on him anymore, huh?"
"Of course she doesn't! She's so pissed off, I..." Rachel broke off suddenly. "Phoebe?"
"Yuh-huh?" Phoebe said innocently, taking another bite of cereal.
"Chandler... he... had had you make this?"
Phoebe grinned.
