It has come to my attention that some people didn't understand the end of Chapter Nine. I'll go back and clarify at some point, but in the interest of getting on with the story:
Chandler and Joey did not actually leave Ben on a bus. Joey left his nephew Nicky on a bus a long time ago, and told Chandler about it while they were babysitting. This gave Chandler the idea of faking the story as a way to get Monica off of him. Chandler had Phoebe make the "Property of Human Services" stamp at Kinko's, and they stamped Ben's diaper as 'proof' the story was true. Rachel was angry at Chandler and Joey until Phoebe showed her the stamp and Rachel figured out what had happened.
Ross is taking a bit of a beating in this story -- but keep in mind, this isn't an objective look at Ross -- this is Ross viewed through Rachel's frustration. As Rachel says in an earlier chapter, there's nothing wrong with Ross -- but she wants to be with Chandler, and is therefore finding fault with Ross where none may exist.
Am moving some canon episodes around for my own nefarious purposes. What, I have to be consistent in a show-land where Ross can give a big speech about Chandler's beloved childhood dog Molly... right after "The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs"?
"Why'd Kathy haul us out of there so fast?" Monica asked, staring across the bar to where Kathy and Chandler were involved in a low, hurried conversation. "We didn't even tap the keg!"
Phoebe and Joey shared a look. "Ah, well, y'know, wanted to give Ross and Rachel some privacy..." Joey said.
"But she doesn't know them. And I swear, you guys, I caught her giving Rachel this... this death look. Like, I'm surprised Rachel didn't melt."
Phoebe threw a peanut into her mouth. "Maybe she's not comfortable with public displays of affection."
"Or maybe she's secretly in love with Ross," Joey added.
"Or maybe she's a freak," Monica laughed. "What a weird day. Did I tell you guys that Julie showed up looking for Ross?"
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, while Rachel was napping." Monica took another swig. "Anyway, I told her Ross was out of town for a while."
"You did what?" Phoebe gasped.
"Aw, c'mon. That's the last thing Ross and Rachel need is the ex-girlfriend sniffing around! Haven't things between them been complicated enough?"
Another shared look. "Did she uh, leave a phone number or anything?" Joey asked.
"Joey, there are a million women in this city. You don't need to be hitting on Ross' exes."
"Right, right." Joey picked at his beer label. "My bad."
"What was her last name again?" Phoebe asked innocently. "It's right on the tip of my tongue..."
"Y'know, I don't remember..."
"Hey, guys," Kathy said, pulling Chandler towards their table. "We're gonna take off. Congratulations again, Joey."
"Thanks, Kathy." Joey eyed Chandler. "You gonna be okay, man?"
"Yeah, I haven't had too many," Chandler replied, unspoken conversation flying between them.
Joey touched Chandler's arm. "Okay. You guys have a good night."
"Hey-hey, c'mere," Phoebe said, pulling Chandler into a hug. "See you tomorrow, right?"
"Right." Chandler ruffled Monica's hair, plastering a grin on. "See you guys later."
***
They slid into the cab, and Kathy let her full worry bloom on her face. "Are you okay? Really?"
"I dunno. I guess. I dunno." Chandler leaned his head against the glass, looking out at the night. "I guess I'm stupid to be upset. I mean, it wasn't working, at all... and god, when I watched that video, I felt so bad... you have no idea..."
"No-no, I have an idea." Kathy touched his hand. "Look, Chandler... I didn't grow up in New York. I grew up in this much smaller town, and I always kinda wanted to come here, give acting a shot, but I... I had the best group of friends, and I didn't want to leave them. I mean, just awesome, inseparable, like you and your friends, we'd all known each other since high school."
Chandler turned, facing her. "What happened?"
"This happened. Well, something like this, anyway. My friend Kate, she'd had a crush on our friend Sam, god, forever. But he didn't feel that way about her, you know? And I liked him too, I mean, not as long, I hadn't known him as long, but Kate... it was like she had dibs. And Sam... wanted me."
Chandler nodded, playing with a loose string on the vinyl.
"We fought it a while. And then one night, I came over to his house, to return a CD, and... we didn't fight it. God, Kate was... Kate exploded. Said I'd violated 'The Code', said you didn't fish in your friends' fish tank, said... said a million things. And I loved Kate, I mean, she was my best friend..."
Kathy sighed. "And maybe Sam and I could have been happy, we were a great match, but... the whole group imploded, and everyone blamed me. Eventually, I think even Sam blamed me. I was living a block from people I'd known for decades, and I was... so lonely. I figured if I were going to be lonely, I might as well be lonely up here."
They rode in silence for a moment.
"I love her," Chandler sighed. "It sucks and I'm stupid but it's true."
Kathy took his hand. "I know you do, sweetie."
***
Ross and Rachel sank down onto the couch, kisses growing more urgent.
This is fine. See? It's fine. He's a good kisser, maybe not Chandler-good, but, I mean, who is? And things weren't working out with Chandler anyway, I mean, Ross is mature, Ross is responsible, Ross is Real Boyfriend Material. And Chandler, well... I mean, if you want to have a little fling, with some amazing, mind-blowing sex, well, that's fine, but Chandler's not... he doesn't have the same... well, he's just different, that's all. And with Kathy.
The thing was... Ross kinda smelled like him.
"That's not your usual cologne, is it?" Rachel asked, pulling her lips away.
"Nah, Ben spit up on me a little. I used Chandler and Joey's shower and stuff. Actually, this shirt is Chandler's."
Ross pressed his lips to hers again, discussion over.
That explained it, explained why she couldn't keep Chandler out of her mind, explained the way Chandler and Ross kept weaving together in and out of her consciousness...
She opened her eyes and stifled a giggle. Ross just looked so... weird, somehow, his eyes closed, this look of... intense concentration on his face, like he was puzzling out some tricky calculus problem...
"What's funny?" he gasped, rolling up on an elbow.
"Oh, nothing. It's just kinda weird, y'know. Finally being here with you."
"Funny-weird?" Concern crossed Ross' face.
"No-no, no, not funny-weird, I just got tickled..." And then she burst into giggles again as he touched her breast.
"What is it now?"
"It's just... strange, y'know? Ross' hand on my boob."
"Your... your boob," Ross repeated dubiously.
"Breast, sorry..."
He kissed her again, shutting her up, stifling the laughter.
And maybe... maybe it wouldn't be so bad to pretend, just a little, just to power through this initial little burst of weirdness. It'd get better, right? She wouldn't have to do this... it'd just be a crutch, a one-time thing, a little help.
She let her mind wander, imagination flying, repainting, filling in the details. The glint in Chandler's eyes, the little dimples at the sides of his mouth, the set of his jaw, the moodiness of his brow...
It was Chandler's hands on her now, Chandler's lips trailing down her neck, Chandler's heat searing her flesh, Chandler's elegant fingers unbuttoning her shirt.
And now her body began to respond, writhing beneath him, hands rising to wrap around his neck...
"We should go in the bedroom, c'mon."
Her illusion exploded, Ross' face above her in the glare of the overheads, Rachel suddenly feeling as undressed as she was.
"What?"
"Monica will kill us if we get stuff on her couch."
"Oh. Yeah. Right. Stuff."
"You know, bodily fluids."
"That's okay, Ross -- I actually knew."
"Well, yeah, okay, well. We should still, y'know, go in your room."
Rachel bit her lip. "Maybe... maybe it's a little early to be, um, getting to the bodily fluids. I mean, we've only been on one date..."
"Right, right, of course, good point." Ross straightened his clothes, leaning over for another kiss. "I guess I should go, huh?"
"M-maybe so," Rachel smiled, patting his arm.
"You, uh, you wanna go on another date? Maybe, um, tomorrow night?"
"That sounds nice."
"Well, c'mon, you can, you can walk me to the door."
Ross hoisted her up by her hand, and Rachel pulled her shirt closed around her, following him to the door.
"So can I, can I get a rain check?" Ross asked, trailing his finger down her cheek.
"Yeah, sure! That's, that's fine."
He kissed her goodbye, and Rachel shut the door after him, sinking down against it for a moment before striding towards her room.
Wonderful. Now she was horny, alone, and so in love with stupid Chandler Bing that she couldn't even make out with a perfectly lovely man without making an idiot of herself.
No, no, no-no. Not in love. Not in love, just in lust, passing lust, lust she could totally get over.
She reached over to her bedside table, picked up the rubber stamp that laid there, twirled it in her fingers.
If he'd given up on her... why did he bother getting rid of Monica? Why make up the whole 'Baby on the Bus' story?
She set the stamp back down and dropped her clothes on the floor, crawling into her bed with a sigh. Her bed was nice, sure: cool cotton sheets, perfectly fluffy pillows... but it just wasn't Chandler's bed, that rumply sea of textures, the dark blue flannel sheets, the butter-soft pile of plaid pillows, the silky warmth of his comforter, all tangled around her, the heat of his naked skin pressed against her back, his leg curled under hers, his breath against her neck, the warm weight of him as he slept, one arm possessively wrapped around her, a haze of body-heat shimmering around them.
She wouldn't wake up and see him watching her, propped up on a hand, a little smile on his face, his hair sleep-rumpled and stuck up and adorable, wouldn't eat cereal wrapped in his holey old bathrobe, watching him stumble through the kitchen in his boxers, rubbing his eyes.
Wouldn't roll across the floor with him, lungs bursting in laughter, covering him in kisses...
Rachel pulled her pillow over her head, groaning.
***
"Okay, don't peek, don't peek," Joey said, leading Chandler down the hallway by his hand.
"If I open my eyes and you're naked, I'm puttin' the lock back on my door," Chandler warned.
"All right..." Joey grinned. "Peek."
Chandler opened his eyes, jaw dropping. "Sweet mother of all that is good and pure!"
The red and brown chairs had been replaced by two black-leather Barcoloungers; their old TV by a huge new one.
"Huh?" Joey cried proudly. "Days of Our Lives picked up my option!"
"Congratulations, man!" Chandler grabbed him in a hug.
"And this is just the beginning, dude. I'm gonna get you paid back, it's gonna be awesome. Hey, check this out." Joey picked up the remote, pressed a button. "Picture-In-Picture! Two channels at once!"
"This is great, Joey, but you didn't... you didn't have to do this..."
"I wanted to, man. And look what I hauled over..."
"The keg from your party," Chandler smiled ruefully. Joey, feng shui master that he was, had placed it directly between the Barcoloungers.
"Not even tapped. Pheebs and Kathy are on their way over with Chinese... this is gonna be awesome."
"Where are they gonna sit?"
"In our laps! That's the simple beauty of the Barcoloungerial setup."
The door burst open, and Monica barrelled through it. "Have you guys seen Rachel?"
"Thought she was with you," Joey shrugged. "Don't you guys have that catering thing tonight?"
"Yes!" Monica shrieked. "And it's my first time catering, and she was supposed to waitress for me, and I... can't... find... her!"
"Maybe she's with Ross," Chandler said, flicking through channels on the TV.
"She's not with Ross. I called him. I'm gonna kill her!"
"Mon, calm down," Joey soothed. "I'm sure she'll be here!"
"We're supposed to leave in twenty minutes! And I can't, I can't screw this up, my Mom got me this job! It's for a friend of Dad's! If I screw up, I'm gonna hear about how I 'pulled a Monica', forever!"
"What's 'pulling a Monica'?" Phoebe asked curiously, pushing the door open for herself and Kathy and setting sacks of Chinese food on the counter.
"It's screwing something up completely! Just like I'm gonna do, right now, if Rachel doesn't get her ass over here!"
"What's going on?" Kathy asked, pulling white cartons out of the sack.
"Rachel was supposed to waitress for me tonight, and she's run off somewhere," Monica sighed. "Have you guys seen her?"
"I saw her earlier, in the coffeeshop... her mom had come for a visit..." Phoebe said.
"Great," Monica snapped. "She's off getting a manicure or something, perfect."
"I can waitress for you if you need me to, Monica," Kathy offered. "I've done it for years."
"Would you? Seriously?"
"Yeah, it's not a problem... what are you catering for?"
"It's my dad's best friend, Dr. Burke -- it's some kind of opthamologist party..."
"Sounds fascinating." Kathy's mouth twitched.
"Kathy, thank you, thank you so much... are you ready to go?"
"Sure..." Kathy grabbed her purse from the counter, shooting an apologetic look at the rest. "Sorry to bail on the New TV party, you guys..."
"That's okay, we..." Phoebe's eye was caught by the screen. "Ooooh, Xanadu!"
"Or maybe you won't even notice I'm gone," Kathy laughed, following Monica out the door.
***
"Do you hear something?" Phoebe asked, teetering on Joey's lap to refill her plastic cup.
"Beyond the bitchin' stylings of the Electric Light Orchestra?" Chandler quipped.
"Yeah... I think I hear something outside."
Chandler yawned. "Want me to check?"
"Yeah..."
Chandler peeled himself out of the Barcolounger, padding to the door in his sock feet, sticking his head outside.
"Hello?"
And now, he could hear what Phoebe heard... muffled sobs.
"Um... hello? You okay?" Chandler stepped out into the hallway, looking around the corner. "Rachel?"
She was curled up against the wall, sobbing into her wrists, a Saks Fifth Avenue sack propped up beside her.
He leaned against the wall. "What, did they cancel the sale?"
Rachel looked up, meeting his eyes with her own bloodshot ones. "My mom and dad are getting divorced."
"Oh my god." Chandler mentally kicked himself. "Are you okay?"
"Sure, sure, I'm fine..." She wrestled herself up, grabbing her bag. "I'm just headed inside, my uh... my feet got tired."
"Rachel, wait." He touched her arm. "You want to talk about it?"
"Not with you." She brushed past him, reaching for the doorknob.
"Look, Rach, I know I yelled at you yesterday, but... talk to me. Please? I'm the only one you know who's been through this before."
"You don't have to be nice to me."
"Look, it's talk to you or watch Olivia Newton-John rollerskate. It's not nice, it's self-preservation. C'mon... I'll make you hot chocolate..."
"What does hot chocolate have to do with anything?"
"Well, it's... it's what the housekeeper made me. It, uh, gets that pumpkin-pie-vomit taste out of your mouth."
Rachel raised her hand to her lips. "Does it get chicken-salad-plate-vomit taste out of your mouth?"
"Probably. C'mon." He put his hand on her back, steering her inside Apartment 20.
"Will you put extra marshmallows in it?" she asked in a small voice.
Chandler and Joey did not actually leave Ben on a bus. Joey left his nephew Nicky on a bus a long time ago, and told Chandler about it while they were babysitting. This gave Chandler the idea of faking the story as a way to get Monica off of him. Chandler had Phoebe make the "Property of Human Services" stamp at Kinko's, and they stamped Ben's diaper as 'proof' the story was true. Rachel was angry at Chandler and Joey until Phoebe showed her the stamp and Rachel figured out what had happened.
Ross is taking a bit of a beating in this story -- but keep in mind, this isn't an objective look at Ross -- this is Ross viewed through Rachel's frustration. As Rachel says in an earlier chapter, there's nothing wrong with Ross -- but she wants to be with Chandler, and is therefore finding fault with Ross where none may exist.
Am moving some canon episodes around for my own nefarious purposes. What, I have to be consistent in a show-land where Ross can give a big speech about Chandler's beloved childhood dog Molly... right after "The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs"?
"Why'd Kathy haul us out of there so fast?" Monica asked, staring across the bar to where Kathy and Chandler were involved in a low, hurried conversation. "We didn't even tap the keg!"
Phoebe and Joey shared a look. "Ah, well, y'know, wanted to give Ross and Rachel some privacy..." Joey said.
"But she doesn't know them. And I swear, you guys, I caught her giving Rachel this... this death look. Like, I'm surprised Rachel didn't melt."
Phoebe threw a peanut into her mouth. "Maybe she's not comfortable with public displays of affection."
"Or maybe she's secretly in love with Ross," Joey added.
"Or maybe she's a freak," Monica laughed. "What a weird day. Did I tell you guys that Julie showed up looking for Ross?"
"Seriously?"
"Yeah, while Rachel was napping." Monica took another swig. "Anyway, I told her Ross was out of town for a while."
"You did what?" Phoebe gasped.
"Aw, c'mon. That's the last thing Ross and Rachel need is the ex-girlfriend sniffing around! Haven't things between them been complicated enough?"
Another shared look. "Did she uh, leave a phone number or anything?" Joey asked.
"Joey, there are a million women in this city. You don't need to be hitting on Ross' exes."
"Right, right." Joey picked at his beer label. "My bad."
"What was her last name again?" Phoebe asked innocently. "It's right on the tip of my tongue..."
"Y'know, I don't remember..."
"Hey, guys," Kathy said, pulling Chandler towards their table. "We're gonna take off. Congratulations again, Joey."
"Thanks, Kathy." Joey eyed Chandler. "You gonna be okay, man?"
"Yeah, I haven't had too many," Chandler replied, unspoken conversation flying between them.
Joey touched Chandler's arm. "Okay. You guys have a good night."
"Hey-hey, c'mere," Phoebe said, pulling Chandler into a hug. "See you tomorrow, right?"
"Right." Chandler ruffled Monica's hair, plastering a grin on. "See you guys later."
***
They slid into the cab, and Kathy let her full worry bloom on her face. "Are you okay? Really?"
"I dunno. I guess. I dunno." Chandler leaned his head against the glass, looking out at the night. "I guess I'm stupid to be upset. I mean, it wasn't working, at all... and god, when I watched that video, I felt so bad... you have no idea..."
"No-no, I have an idea." Kathy touched his hand. "Look, Chandler... I didn't grow up in New York. I grew up in this much smaller town, and I always kinda wanted to come here, give acting a shot, but I... I had the best group of friends, and I didn't want to leave them. I mean, just awesome, inseparable, like you and your friends, we'd all known each other since high school."
Chandler turned, facing her. "What happened?"
"This happened. Well, something like this, anyway. My friend Kate, she'd had a crush on our friend Sam, god, forever. But he didn't feel that way about her, you know? And I liked him too, I mean, not as long, I hadn't known him as long, but Kate... it was like she had dibs. And Sam... wanted me."
Chandler nodded, playing with a loose string on the vinyl.
"We fought it a while. And then one night, I came over to his house, to return a CD, and... we didn't fight it. God, Kate was... Kate exploded. Said I'd violated 'The Code', said you didn't fish in your friends' fish tank, said... said a million things. And I loved Kate, I mean, she was my best friend..."
Kathy sighed. "And maybe Sam and I could have been happy, we were a great match, but... the whole group imploded, and everyone blamed me. Eventually, I think even Sam blamed me. I was living a block from people I'd known for decades, and I was... so lonely. I figured if I were going to be lonely, I might as well be lonely up here."
They rode in silence for a moment.
"I love her," Chandler sighed. "It sucks and I'm stupid but it's true."
Kathy took his hand. "I know you do, sweetie."
***
Ross and Rachel sank down onto the couch, kisses growing more urgent.
This is fine. See? It's fine. He's a good kisser, maybe not Chandler-good, but, I mean, who is? And things weren't working out with Chandler anyway, I mean, Ross is mature, Ross is responsible, Ross is Real Boyfriend Material. And Chandler, well... I mean, if you want to have a little fling, with some amazing, mind-blowing sex, well, that's fine, but Chandler's not... he doesn't have the same... well, he's just different, that's all. And with Kathy.
The thing was... Ross kinda smelled like him.
"That's not your usual cologne, is it?" Rachel asked, pulling her lips away.
"Nah, Ben spit up on me a little. I used Chandler and Joey's shower and stuff. Actually, this shirt is Chandler's."
Ross pressed his lips to hers again, discussion over.
That explained it, explained why she couldn't keep Chandler out of her mind, explained the way Chandler and Ross kept weaving together in and out of her consciousness...
She opened her eyes and stifled a giggle. Ross just looked so... weird, somehow, his eyes closed, this look of... intense concentration on his face, like he was puzzling out some tricky calculus problem...
"What's funny?" he gasped, rolling up on an elbow.
"Oh, nothing. It's just kinda weird, y'know. Finally being here with you."
"Funny-weird?" Concern crossed Ross' face.
"No-no, no, not funny-weird, I just got tickled..." And then she burst into giggles again as he touched her breast.
"What is it now?"
"It's just... strange, y'know? Ross' hand on my boob."
"Your... your boob," Ross repeated dubiously.
"Breast, sorry..."
He kissed her again, shutting her up, stifling the laughter.
And maybe... maybe it wouldn't be so bad to pretend, just a little, just to power through this initial little burst of weirdness. It'd get better, right? She wouldn't have to do this... it'd just be a crutch, a one-time thing, a little help.
She let her mind wander, imagination flying, repainting, filling in the details. The glint in Chandler's eyes, the little dimples at the sides of his mouth, the set of his jaw, the moodiness of his brow...
It was Chandler's hands on her now, Chandler's lips trailing down her neck, Chandler's heat searing her flesh, Chandler's elegant fingers unbuttoning her shirt.
And now her body began to respond, writhing beneath him, hands rising to wrap around his neck...
"We should go in the bedroom, c'mon."
Her illusion exploded, Ross' face above her in the glare of the overheads, Rachel suddenly feeling as undressed as she was.
"What?"
"Monica will kill us if we get stuff on her couch."
"Oh. Yeah. Right. Stuff."
"You know, bodily fluids."
"That's okay, Ross -- I actually knew."
"Well, yeah, okay, well. We should still, y'know, go in your room."
Rachel bit her lip. "Maybe... maybe it's a little early to be, um, getting to the bodily fluids. I mean, we've only been on one date..."
"Right, right, of course, good point." Ross straightened his clothes, leaning over for another kiss. "I guess I should go, huh?"
"M-maybe so," Rachel smiled, patting his arm.
"You, uh, you wanna go on another date? Maybe, um, tomorrow night?"
"That sounds nice."
"Well, c'mon, you can, you can walk me to the door."
Ross hoisted her up by her hand, and Rachel pulled her shirt closed around her, following him to the door.
"So can I, can I get a rain check?" Ross asked, trailing his finger down her cheek.
"Yeah, sure! That's, that's fine."
He kissed her goodbye, and Rachel shut the door after him, sinking down against it for a moment before striding towards her room.
Wonderful. Now she was horny, alone, and so in love with stupid Chandler Bing that she couldn't even make out with a perfectly lovely man without making an idiot of herself.
No, no, no-no. Not in love. Not in love, just in lust, passing lust, lust she could totally get over.
She reached over to her bedside table, picked up the rubber stamp that laid there, twirled it in her fingers.
If he'd given up on her... why did he bother getting rid of Monica? Why make up the whole 'Baby on the Bus' story?
She set the stamp back down and dropped her clothes on the floor, crawling into her bed with a sigh. Her bed was nice, sure: cool cotton sheets, perfectly fluffy pillows... but it just wasn't Chandler's bed, that rumply sea of textures, the dark blue flannel sheets, the butter-soft pile of plaid pillows, the silky warmth of his comforter, all tangled around her, the heat of his naked skin pressed against her back, his leg curled under hers, his breath against her neck, the warm weight of him as he slept, one arm possessively wrapped around her, a haze of body-heat shimmering around them.
She wouldn't wake up and see him watching her, propped up on a hand, a little smile on his face, his hair sleep-rumpled and stuck up and adorable, wouldn't eat cereal wrapped in his holey old bathrobe, watching him stumble through the kitchen in his boxers, rubbing his eyes.
Wouldn't roll across the floor with him, lungs bursting in laughter, covering him in kisses...
Rachel pulled her pillow over her head, groaning.
***
"Okay, don't peek, don't peek," Joey said, leading Chandler down the hallway by his hand.
"If I open my eyes and you're naked, I'm puttin' the lock back on my door," Chandler warned.
"All right..." Joey grinned. "Peek."
Chandler opened his eyes, jaw dropping. "Sweet mother of all that is good and pure!"
The red and brown chairs had been replaced by two black-leather Barcoloungers; their old TV by a huge new one.
"Huh?" Joey cried proudly. "Days of Our Lives picked up my option!"
"Congratulations, man!" Chandler grabbed him in a hug.
"And this is just the beginning, dude. I'm gonna get you paid back, it's gonna be awesome. Hey, check this out." Joey picked up the remote, pressed a button. "Picture-In-Picture! Two channels at once!"
"This is great, Joey, but you didn't... you didn't have to do this..."
"I wanted to, man. And look what I hauled over..."
"The keg from your party," Chandler smiled ruefully. Joey, feng shui master that he was, had placed it directly between the Barcoloungers.
"Not even tapped. Pheebs and Kathy are on their way over with Chinese... this is gonna be awesome."
"Where are they gonna sit?"
"In our laps! That's the simple beauty of the Barcoloungerial setup."
The door burst open, and Monica barrelled through it. "Have you guys seen Rachel?"
"Thought she was with you," Joey shrugged. "Don't you guys have that catering thing tonight?"
"Yes!" Monica shrieked. "And it's my first time catering, and she was supposed to waitress for me, and I... can't... find... her!"
"Maybe she's with Ross," Chandler said, flicking through channels on the TV.
"She's not with Ross. I called him. I'm gonna kill her!"
"Mon, calm down," Joey soothed. "I'm sure she'll be here!"
"We're supposed to leave in twenty minutes! And I can't, I can't screw this up, my Mom got me this job! It's for a friend of Dad's! If I screw up, I'm gonna hear about how I 'pulled a Monica', forever!"
"What's 'pulling a Monica'?" Phoebe asked curiously, pushing the door open for herself and Kathy and setting sacks of Chinese food on the counter.
"It's screwing something up completely! Just like I'm gonna do, right now, if Rachel doesn't get her ass over here!"
"What's going on?" Kathy asked, pulling white cartons out of the sack.
"Rachel was supposed to waitress for me tonight, and she's run off somewhere," Monica sighed. "Have you guys seen her?"
"I saw her earlier, in the coffeeshop... her mom had come for a visit..." Phoebe said.
"Great," Monica snapped. "She's off getting a manicure or something, perfect."
"I can waitress for you if you need me to, Monica," Kathy offered. "I've done it for years."
"Would you? Seriously?"
"Yeah, it's not a problem... what are you catering for?"
"It's my dad's best friend, Dr. Burke -- it's some kind of opthamologist party..."
"Sounds fascinating." Kathy's mouth twitched.
"Kathy, thank you, thank you so much... are you ready to go?"
"Sure..." Kathy grabbed her purse from the counter, shooting an apologetic look at the rest. "Sorry to bail on the New TV party, you guys..."
"That's okay, we..." Phoebe's eye was caught by the screen. "Ooooh, Xanadu!"
"Or maybe you won't even notice I'm gone," Kathy laughed, following Monica out the door.
***
"Do you hear something?" Phoebe asked, teetering on Joey's lap to refill her plastic cup.
"Beyond the bitchin' stylings of the Electric Light Orchestra?" Chandler quipped.
"Yeah... I think I hear something outside."
Chandler yawned. "Want me to check?"
"Yeah..."
Chandler peeled himself out of the Barcolounger, padding to the door in his sock feet, sticking his head outside.
"Hello?"
And now, he could hear what Phoebe heard... muffled sobs.
"Um... hello? You okay?" Chandler stepped out into the hallway, looking around the corner. "Rachel?"
She was curled up against the wall, sobbing into her wrists, a Saks Fifth Avenue sack propped up beside her.
He leaned against the wall. "What, did they cancel the sale?"
Rachel looked up, meeting his eyes with her own bloodshot ones. "My mom and dad are getting divorced."
"Oh my god." Chandler mentally kicked himself. "Are you okay?"
"Sure, sure, I'm fine..." She wrestled herself up, grabbing her bag. "I'm just headed inside, my uh... my feet got tired."
"Rachel, wait." He touched her arm. "You want to talk about it?"
"Not with you." She brushed past him, reaching for the doorknob.
"Look, Rach, I know I yelled at you yesterday, but... talk to me. Please? I'm the only one you know who's been through this before."
"You don't have to be nice to me."
"Look, it's talk to you or watch Olivia Newton-John rollerskate. It's not nice, it's self-preservation. C'mon... I'll make you hot chocolate..."
"What does hot chocolate have to do with anything?"
"Well, it's... it's what the housekeeper made me. It, uh, gets that pumpkin-pie-vomit taste out of your mouth."
Rachel raised her hand to her lips. "Does it get chicken-salad-plate-vomit taste out of your mouth?"
"Probably. C'mon." He put his hand on her back, steering her inside Apartment 20.
"Will you put extra marshmallows in it?" she asked in a small voice.
