It took her two seconds to realize that he had turned his phone off.
Two minutes later, she realized he wasn't going to answer his door.
After two hours, she learned that he had somehow fallen off the face of the earth, though nobody could seem to explain why... much to her sheer frustration.
The only thing his supervisor would tell her was that Dorothy wasn't in Kansas anymore and who the hell knows where Toto went. He couldn't even reveal when the once so perky detective would be back for more abuse... or if he'd even come back for that matter. He then added his two cents in about country kids and how they never really make it in the 'real' world. The blatant bias disgusted her the moment he had uttered it, but she couldn't help but think that underneath it all, it may have held a miniscule grain of truth. After all, a city kid is a city kid. It was just, an entirely different jungle out there.
Even so, her malleable detective friend had seemed to become a bit more concrete as of late... which was a good thing, up to a point. But even concrete can't withstand drastic fluctuations in the environment, and the constant wear and tear would break down anyone in time. Was that what happened?? But why wouldn't he have said something? Or did he try, at the bar, when she couldn't think of what to say?
She felt lost.
Her computer-savvy coworker became the only true voice of reason, which was odd, considering how much trouble she always seemed to get him into. He had even offered to help her freely, as if he knew how much the entire ordeal was consuming her before she'd even seen him enter her office.
After fighting for answers from his captain all morning, she had just now started to think that it wasn't worth it; maybe he didn't want to be found. So she told her British friend to let it go—forget about tracking him down. That if he wanted to be chased, he'd have said something. At least that's what she told herself, but she wasn't really certain if it was true.
She outwardly gave up on him, but it wasn't any matter. After all, she figured that he had already given up on her, probably long before she had even noticed. It was obvious; at least it seemed to be from her perspective. And the one tragic flaw of mankind is the inability to ever truly walk a mile in another's shoes.
She chose to forget him, thankful she had never officially given her heart away and deciding that she was right not to, ever. She told herself that the wall had been the wise choice all along, and he was simply more evidence that "love" wasn't all it was cracked up to be. It wasn't the answer. The good doctor Lisa had simply been mistaken...
However, deep down, she knew that she had been telling herself a lie... or two... or three. He had part of her heart anyway, and she had had no say in the matter. She couldn't control it... and that terrified her to the core. So she came to resent him, in a short manner of minutes, and not necessarily for leaving without a goodbye, but for being a thief... stealing a piece of her that she couldn't simply take back. Yet no matter how much she thought she hated him, her emotional auto-pilot brought her to the same place every night.
One second she would be in her truck, en route to 227 Pearl Street, and next she knew she'd be in his neighborhood, not a block away from his building. Just because. Every night she would drive by, momentarily gazing upwards and looking for any hint of life in that fourth floor apartment window. On one hand she was hoping for a sign that the prodigal son had returned... if only so she could release some pent up frustration by chewing him a new one.
Two days turned into a week, and then some. Still nothing. No light in the living area, no outline of a tall, muscular figure in the window, no phone call... no him. She was starting to feel desperate. Was he was really just... gone?
Two weeks to the day into her newfound night-time routine, she began to think that maybe she had lost her mind. He wasn't ever coming back, and she was doomed to live out this evening check-up for the rest of her life. Such was the drama.
She found herself, yet again on his street. But instead of giving in to the impulse to check up on him, she chose to try and wean herself from this insanity. She promised to nobody in particular that she'd simply pull in and park, wait for a moment, and not look up. Baby steps... baby steps. All can be accomplished in baby steps.
Right.
She soon lost all self control, and figured that just one peek in the general direction would be even a smaller 'baby step', and so much more tolerable... and her heart jumped as she noticed a faint light and a shadow moving in what she knew too well was his apartment.
He had just gotten home. He had survived the journey home. He was home.
No. No matter how often he reiterated it to himself, it didn't feel like home. He thought that maybe he should move, but he didn't see how that would solve the problem either. Cal had practically begged him to stay back in Wisconsin, but he couldn't deal with the emptiness. He did contemplate it though, and wondered if he should just go pack everything up and start from the beginning again. But that wouldn't make him happy; not in the least. At this point, he wondered if anything would—that maybe life just wasn't even worth it anymore.
He had played the game. He had put forth more than a solid effort, and he had at one time gained some ground, only to turn around and lose it all... ending up with less than he started out with. So what was the point?
One thing...
There was just one loose end. It was something that had been in, on, and consuming his mind for, well, two years really. Something he had to know before he made the biggest desperate decision of his life and he had to hear it. From her...
He had his fingers on the touchpad of his cell phone, about to turn it on for the first time in two weeks and dial her number when a light rapping fell upon his door.
He turned around, cursing the timing, and not wanting to deal with his idiot landlord at the moment. But he was taken aback, to say the least, to uncover a thoroughly rattled Cavanaugh waiting for him on the other side of the door. She appeared angered, upset, yet almost surprised to see his face. Half expecting it to be someone else, she had to make sure, and out uttered a shaky, "Woody?"
"Hi Jordan," he replied quietly, not knowing what else to say.
She turned her head, taking note of the duffel bags that had yet to be unpacked, and she felt that all too familiar resentment bubble up under the surface. She tried to hold it all in for a few moments at least. However, before either of them knew it, all hell broke loose.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...
But he simply didn't understand—he hadn't really done anything to deserve her anger like this, had he?
He didn't have much of anything to say to her tirade, so he kept his mouth closed and his eyes on the floor. She'd have to come up for air at one point. His silence fueled her fire for a while longer, before she suddenly stopped and looked at him with pure vehemence...
It was his turn to reply, at least to acknowledge her feelings. But what he said was enough to stun her; even if it was only for a fleeting two seconds.
Softly, and somewhat desperately, he began, moving towards her and reaching out to hold her arm, "d-do you love me Jordan? Is that why you're so pissed off? I-I just don't get it." He paused, looking her directly in the eye to emphasize his point, before continuing with, "and the only reason I'm standing here trying to figure it out is because I love you. I can't help it; damn the walls, the lines in the sand... the stupid, idiotic childish games. I love you, and I have to know... do you love me?" His voice trailed off as he finished his sentence, barely above a murmur. One last look at her face, and he had it instantly committed to memory.
She backed away slowly from his touch, clutching onto herself like a wounded child who wasn't ready to forgive her parents for not letting her eat the one last cookie in the jar before dinner. She began with utter confusion, "Where the hell do you get off changing the subject like that? You…" but was quickly cut off.
"I'm not changing the subject; I just want to know, was I right?" he spat back at her, in the same tone she had taken with him.
"What are you talking about? You weren't right, not right to just up and disappear without saying ANYTHING!" she shot back with nothing but venom.
"What I'm saying is, why the hell else would you come here, not two minutes after I walk in and start accusing me of being someone you don't know anymore... unless my absence had hurt you in some way? Do you love me Jordan?" he asked again, now desperately awaiting her response.
She took a step backward, and thought for a moment. But she wasn't sure, "How am I supposed to answer that? You want me to tell you yes... so we can forget the past few months and pretend that life has a happy ending. Well guess what, it doesn't! And I'm not going to stand here and tell you something you want to hear just to alleviate YOUR guilt!"
His tone became flat, and his expression blank. It began to freak her out at bit. "You have yet to answer my question Jordan."
She wasn't interested in him confronting her like this, nor was she particularly happy about it. The situation had turned on her, and she was not longer in control of it. Resenting that feeling as well, she started again, "God bless it! I don't have an answer for you! This whole thing... maybe under different circumstances... maybe before..." she began to shake uncontrollably, fighting any and all urges to just break down into tears right then and there.
It was his turn to cry out in frustration, "Damn you Jordan..." along with a few other choice words which shall be left to the imagination, shot at no one in particular, except maybe the man upstairs. He managed to regain a semblance of control, and continued, "Don't you get it? Things ARE different... they have been for months now, but you just go on pretending like the past ever happened. Have you even changed at all?"
A pause ensued, each lost in the air that clung to his last utterance.
Once he figured out for himself exactly where he wanted to go with that, he began to explain, "You, you're still so self involved... stuck in that ten year old, too afraid to believe in something, too afraid to feel, that you fail to see. You don't know... you wouldn't... I should have known."
She was shocked. Where did he get off going there?
"How DARE you bring my demons into this! That was... low... really low. And you know what you son of a bitch? I was absolutely right, not you! You aren't the same person... not the same at all. As far as I'm concerned, you, whoever you are, are as good as dead! I may have been able to love him, but you? The answer you are looking for is NO. Happy now? I couldn't love you... but you already knew that."
He took a step towards her, and uttered two words, "Get. Out." as the blood rose to his head, and that vein in his neck began to bulge just a little bit more.
She wasn't about to listen... how dare he order her around! But then again she couldn't take it anymore. He was so different. Hell, she didn't even know who this imposter posing as her once good friend was. He sounded like him, sort of. He looked like him, for the most part. But he wasn't him. Resigning to the thought, and sincerely disgusted by it, she took the easy way out... and complied with his one last request.
He slammed the door behind her, with more fury than she thought possible. Shuddering as it closed, she paused, leaning her head against the door and waiting for her legs to catch up with her rapidly beating heart.
Funny, he hadn't slammed the deadbolt shut like she would have thought. Little did she know that it was the last thing on his mind.
He had gotten his answer, granted it wasn't how he hoped it would go, but he no longer cared. Nothing was worth living for anymore, and now he just wanted it all to be over. He caught sight of his gun out of the corner of his eye, and it hit him... how easy it would be... he figured sooner was better than later.
It had all spiraled out of control so quickly. She was the same, he was too different... he had changed too much—going from someone she was afraid to love to someone she couldn't love at all. Little did he know, she was still just outside the door.
Rather than stay and try to fix whatever the hell had happened, her anger told her to run. And she did... well, for two paces—until an ominous sound stopped her dead in her tracks...
Fin
