Scene Three
(Now we see the land of Mordor. For a while, the camera passes over the
horror that walks its land-the fires burning and the machines cranking.
From out of the horrible fortress of the Dark Lord, we suddenly hear a
frightening shriek-the shriek of the pathetic creature Jenolum)
Jenolum: (Sounding quite agonized) SHIRE! BAGGINS!
(Mount Doom erupts in rage, and we see the gates of Mordor open to allow the Nine Phone Solicitors to ride out. At first, we only see their hooded faces, looking very serious as they go to fulfill their master's deed. Then, we see the camera pull out and see them riding on-bicycles; as we see this, the dramatic music abruptly stops and we hear the "Wicked Witch of the West Theme". In the cavern they pass through, there is a sign that has an arrow pointing towards their destination and reads, "All Phone Solicitors, ride this way to perform evil tasks". As they go, we hear the Eye of Jauron shout)
Eye of Jauron: BRING OUT THE PHONE SOLICITORS!
(Now we see Kendalf riding towards his destination and he looks towards Mordor. His eyes widen as he sees Mount Doom erupting in the distance)
Kendalf: (Looking very nervous) Uh-that can't be good.
(Now we see the palace of Robsildur. Inside, we follow Kendalf as he makes to go towards the study, but the Secretary looks up from filing her nails and raises her eyebrows at him)
Secretary: (Causing Kendalf to stop in his tracks to look at her) Uh, excuse me sir, but where do you think you're going?
Kendalf: (Frowning at being questioned) I must go to the study to read some scrolls of Robsildur.
Secretary: (Nodding) Right. Take a number. (Indicates the roll of numbers next to the desk and resumes filing her nails)
Kendalf: (Looking quite scandalized) Number? I have to take a number now?
Secretary: (Looks up at Kendalf and scolds) That's right, Mister-? (Shakes head slightly, indicating she doesn't know Kendalf's name-and doesn't want to know, as a matter of fact)
Kendalf: (Quite mad at the moment) Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive! I refuse to take this kind of treatment!
Secretary: (Laughs) Get used to it, bucko! That's the way it is around here!
Kendalf: (Banging his fist on Secretary's desk, causing her to look up at him with surprise) Damn it, woman! Don't you understand? I must read the scrolls of Robsildur! The fate of Middle Earth may depend upon what I may find out! (Breathes in and out for a few minutes, looking very angry)
Secretary: (Looking as if Kendalf is really taking up her time) Yeah, you and the rest of Middle Earth! (Rips off a number and gives it to him with a smile) I think you can wait like everybody else, Mr. Kendalf. (Kendalf takes the number) You're number fifty-five.
(Kendalf looks at his number, and glares at the Secretary, but she's reading a magazine and appears to have not noticed. Kendalf goes and sits next to Waiting Man#1, muttering occasionally to himself. Then, Kendalf looks at Waiting Man#1)
Kendalf: (In a dark tone) They say the strength of Men failed with the finding of the One Movie of Power-I think it came with this damn secretaries!
Secretary: (Through a microphone) Number thirty-seven!
(Now we see Kendalf enter the study of Robsildur, followed by a torch- bearing Castle Guider. Kendalf is looking around the study, immersed in the many scrolls on the shelves, while the Castle Guider is talking to him)
Castle Guider: Okay, here is where the scrolls of Robsildur are kept. If you need anything or if you get bored, there's coffee and cake in the dungeons. And if you hurry (Points at him enthusiastically) we got a mean game of Twister goin' on. (Leaves)
(Kendalf goes to a shelf and starts skimming over the tittles of scrolls, muttering the titles to himself as he goes along)
Kendalf: Okay, we got, "First Dog", "First Cat", "First Arranged Marriage", "First Love", "First Game of Tennis", "First Pet: See 'First Dog'".(Eyes widen as he sees what he wants) Ah! Here we are! History of Gondor's King: Robsildur! That's what I'm talking about! (Grabs scrolls, and begins to look through the text. Finally, he reads out loud what he's found) "Year 3434, of the second age-concerning the finding of the One Movie of Power-and tax raises concerning BINGO" (Eyes narrow as he tries to read) "It has come to me-this movie shall be an heirloom, aiding my kingdom for years to come. No harm shall come to it-it is precious to me". (Frowns slightly as he keeps reading, and the camera closes in on the Elvish script written on the parchment) "The markings around the disc begin to fade-words last written here. A secret now only fire can tell"? (Looks up in curiosity)
(Now we see Hobbit#17 back in the Shire, chopping wood with a disgruntled look upon his face, his dog on his side)
Hobbit#17: (In an angry voice) They always said, "You'd make a great lawyer!" And now look at me! I'm fifty-six years old, chopping wood, and living with my parents! Gees, my life bites! (Dog begins to bark at something approaching the house. In a very disgruntled voice) What, Tessy? (Looks up and we see his face pull into a look of fright) Oh.
(Adelphia is on his bike, occasionally ringing the bell menacingly, looking at the house and at Hobbit#17. The dog eventually cowers back into the house. Once this happens, Adelphia looks straight at Hobbit#17, whose mountain is open and looking quite shocked)
Adelphia: (In a hissing voice) Ssssshire. Bagginsssss.
Hobbit#17: (In a quivering voice) There are-are no Bag-Baggins around here, sir. They-They're all in Hobbiton! (Adelphia hisses, and Hobbit#17 points in to the right) That-That way! And-And I'll have you know that-that I already have-have a good long distance plan!
(Adelphia hisses and bolts off on his bike towards the destination the hobbit indicated. Hobbit#17 watches him leave and then runs in the house, locking the door. We go into the house to, seeing him lean against the door and wiping his brow)
Hobbit#17: (In a slightly strangled voice) Oh-I hate phone solicitors!
Jenolum: (Sounding quite agonized) SHIRE! BAGGINS!
(Mount Doom erupts in rage, and we see the gates of Mordor open to allow the Nine Phone Solicitors to ride out. At first, we only see their hooded faces, looking very serious as they go to fulfill their master's deed. Then, we see the camera pull out and see them riding on-bicycles; as we see this, the dramatic music abruptly stops and we hear the "Wicked Witch of the West Theme". In the cavern they pass through, there is a sign that has an arrow pointing towards their destination and reads, "All Phone Solicitors, ride this way to perform evil tasks". As they go, we hear the Eye of Jauron shout)
Eye of Jauron: BRING OUT THE PHONE SOLICITORS!
(Now we see Kendalf riding towards his destination and he looks towards Mordor. His eyes widen as he sees Mount Doom erupting in the distance)
Kendalf: (Looking very nervous) Uh-that can't be good.
(Now we see the palace of Robsildur. Inside, we follow Kendalf as he makes to go towards the study, but the Secretary looks up from filing her nails and raises her eyebrows at him)
Secretary: (Causing Kendalf to stop in his tracks to look at her) Uh, excuse me sir, but where do you think you're going?
Kendalf: (Frowning at being questioned) I must go to the study to read some scrolls of Robsildur.
Secretary: (Nodding) Right. Take a number. (Indicates the roll of numbers next to the desk and resumes filing her nails)
Kendalf: (Looking quite scandalized) Number? I have to take a number now?
Secretary: (Looks up at Kendalf and scolds) That's right, Mister-? (Shakes head slightly, indicating she doesn't know Kendalf's name-and doesn't want to know, as a matter of fact)
Kendalf: (Quite mad at the moment) Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive! I refuse to take this kind of treatment!
Secretary: (Laughs) Get used to it, bucko! That's the way it is around here!
Kendalf: (Banging his fist on Secretary's desk, causing her to look up at him with surprise) Damn it, woman! Don't you understand? I must read the scrolls of Robsildur! The fate of Middle Earth may depend upon what I may find out! (Breathes in and out for a few minutes, looking very angry)
Secretary: (Looking as if Kendalf is really taking up her time) Yeah, you and the rest of Middle Earth! (Rips off a number and gives it to him with a smile) I think you can wait like everybody else, Mr. Kendalf. (Kendalf takes the number) You're number fifty-five.
(Kendalf looks at his number, and glares at the Secretary, but she's reading a magazine and appears to have not noticed. Kendalf goes and sits next to Waiting Man#1, muttering occasionally to himself. Then, Kendalf looks at Waiting Man#1)
Kendalf: (In a dark tone) They say the strength of Men failed with the finding of the One Movie of Power-I think it came with this damn secretaries!
Secretary: (Through a microphone) Number thirty-seven!
(Now we see Kendalf enter the study of Robsildur, followed by a torch- bearing Castle Guider. Kendalf is looking around the study, immersed in the many scrolls on the shelves, while the Castle Guider is talking to him)
Castle Guider: Okay, here is where the scrolls of Robsildur are kept. If you need anything or if you get bored, there's coffee and cake in the dungeons. And if you hurry (Points at him enthusiastically) we got a mean game of Twister goin' on. (Leaves)
(Kendalf goes to a shelf and starts skimming over the tittles of scrolls, muttering the titles to himself as he goes along)
Kendalf: Okay, we got, "First Dog", "First Cat", "First Arranged Marriage", "First Love", "First Game of Tennis", "First Pet: See 'First Dog'".(Eyes widen as he sees what he wants) Ah! Here we are! History of Gondor's King: Robsildur! That's what I'm talking about! (Grabs scrolls, and begins to look through the text. Finally, he reads out loud what he's found) "Year 3434, of the second age-concerning the finding of the One Movie of Power-and tax raises concerning BINGO" (Eyes narrow as he tries to read) "It has come to me-this movie shall be an heirloom, aiding my kingdom for years to come. No harm shall come to it-it is precious to me". (Frowns slightly as he keeps reading, and the camera closes in on the Elvish script written on the parchment) "The markings around the disc begin to fade-words last written here. A secret now only fire can tell"? (Looks up in curiosity)
(Now we see Hobbit#17 back in the Shire, chopping wood with a disgruntled look upon his face, his dog on his side)
Hobbit#17: (In an angry voice) They always said, "You'd make a great lawyer!" And now look at me! I'm fifty-six years old, chopping wood, and living with my parents! Gees, my life bites! (Dog begins to bark at something approaching the house. In a very disgruntled voice) What, Tessy? (Looks up and we see his face pull into a look of fright) Oh.
(Adelphia is on his bike, occasionally ringing the bell menacingly, looking at the house and at Hobbit#17. The dog eventually cowers back into the house. Once this happens, Adelphia looks straight at Hobbit#17, whose mountain is open and looking quite shocked)
Adelphia: (In a hissing voice) Ssssshire. Bagginsssss.
Hobbit#17: (In a quivering voice) There are-are no Bag-Baggins around here, sir. They-They're all in Hobbiton! (Adelphia hisses, and Hobbit#17 points in to the right) That-That way! And-And I'll have you know that-that I already have-have a good long distance plan!
(Adelphia hisses and bolts off on his bike towards the destination the hobbit indicated. Hobbit#17 watches him leave and then runs in the house, locking the door. We go into the house to, seeing him lean against the door and wiping his brow)
Hobbit#17: (In a slightly strangled voice) Oh-I hate phone solicitors!
