Scene Seven
(Now we see the wooden gates of Bree. It is raining heavily, and then we
see our hobbit friends in the forest, hoods on and soaking from the rain.
Rippin Took looks at Jessie Brandybuck and frowns)
Rippin Took: Don't you find it odd that it started raining like this the moment we got here?
Jessie Brandybuck: (Her eyes going wide) Hey, yeah!
(Lizzo Baggins, who is in lead, looks both ways across the road before speaking)
Lizzo Baggins: (Whispering) Okay, let's go!
(They run across the road and Lizzo Baggins knocks upon the gates three times. We hear Gatekeeper of Bree speak)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Sounding very ill-tempered at being disturbed) Just a minute! This better be important! I'm watching Roseanne!
Rippin Took: (Brightly) They've got cable!
(We hear an eye flap open and the hobbits look up towards the gate as the Gatekeeper of Bree speaks)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (In a confused voice) What're you kids doing out in the middle of the night? Don't you know the times when the gates close?
Lizzo Baggins: (Correcting) We're actually hobbits.
Gatekeeper of Bree: (In a disbelieving tone) Hobbits? No, you're too tall!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Brightly) We're halflings!
Kram Gamgee: (Rolling his eyes) Don't ask.
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Suspicious) Well, what brings you four to Bree?
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting over the pouring rain) We wish to go to The Prancing Pony. Our business is our own!
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Startled at this reaction) Sorry, it's not my fault! You don't have to get so snappy with me, little one. (Opens the gate, and the hobbits come in gratefully. We follow them inside, and the Gatekeeper of Bree closes the gate behind them and keeps speaking to them) I have to ask everyone, you know! Lot of strange folk about, you know. Can't be too careful.
(Gate wobbles violently in the strong gust of wind)
Rippin Took: (Muttering to Jessie Brandybuck) Oh yes, and we all know that gate will help loads!
(Jessie Brandybuck stifles a laugh, and Lizzo Baggins looks at the Gatekeeper of Bree to ask him a question)
Lizzo Baggins: Uh, where is The Prancing Pony, by the way?
Gatekeeper of Bree: (In a friendly tone) It's down Hickman's street, little one! You cannot miss it! (Points the destination)
Lizzo Baggins: Thank you.
(The hobbits proceed into the town, the rain pouring down. The camera catches many of the townspeople, who look very disgruntled. Many of the townspeople are eating carrots and they glare as the hobbits pass. The camera goes in towards the hobbits as Rippin Took speaks)
Rippin Took: (In a curious tone) Do you think these people get lots of constipation?
Jessie Brandybuck: (Turning towards Rippin Took and whispering hoarsely) Rippin!
Rippin Took: (Wondering what the big deal is) What? I've seen at least ten people in this town eating carrots! That can't be good for you!
(Camera goes to Lizzo Baggins, who is followed by Kram Gamgee)
Kram Gamgee: (Looking around at the street they're on) I don't see any "Prancing Pony" inn on this street!
(Lizzo Baggins looks forward, and Kram Gamgee looks as well. Kram Gamgee's jaw drops in shock)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a flat voice) Oh-good Lord!
(We then see what's in front of them: a pony dressed in woman's clothing and a basket in its mouth. The Showman is shouting in a cheery voice, despite the rain)
Showman: Step right up and see the Prancing Pony! She's been bred to frolic in the fields and prance around! For five dollars, we'll let you talk to her for a whole twenty minutes. We're not so sure she'll talk, but you never know! Step right up! Step right up!
Lizzo Baggins: (Camera going back to her and Kram Gamgee) Uh-maybe I should've said, "The Prancing Pony Inn".
Kram Gamgee: (Nodding) Yeah, I think so too.
Lizzo Baggins: (Goes up to Citizen of Bree#1, who is watching the pony) Uh, excuse me? Where is The Prancing Pony Inn?
Citizen of Bree#1: (In a friendly tone) Down Hermit street, little one.
Lizzo Baggins: Thank you.
(The hobbits turn around and begin to go the other way. As soon as the pass the sign for Hermit street, Kram Gamgee speaks up)
Kram Gamgee: You know-I don't know what Kendalf was so worried about! Bree's not such a bad place!
(Suddenly, we hear a crashing as Citizen of Bree#2 angrily shouts. The hobbits stop dead to hear)
Citizen of Bree#2: AND IF YOU COME NEAR MY BLENDER AGAIN, BOB, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT OUT WITH MY WIFE'S PINKING SHEARS!
(The hobbits look at one another nervously)
Kram Gamgee: (In a rather small voice) Well, once you get past the occasional emotional outburst, Bree's not a bad town.
(The hobbits resume walking, and they finally arrive at the end of Hermit street, where the camera distinctly shows The Prancing Pony Inn right ahead of them. Happy to see the inn, the hobbits walk towards the inn. The camera follows them inside, and they remove the hoods off their cloaks and shake their heads of the water that collected upon their hair. Jessie Brandybuck cleans her glasses, and Rippin Took wrings her ponytail of water. Lizzo Baggins is looking around, water dripping from her bangs. The camera gets a good look of the inn, which is full of Men who are laughing and getting drunk. Nervously, Lizzo Baggins goes up to the counter to talk to the Owner of the Inn, who has his back turned towards them and is talking to Citizen of Bree#3)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small voice) Excuse me.
Owner of the Inn: (Not noticing the hobbit) And so I told her, "You'd better quit it!"
Lizzo Baggins: (Overlooking the fact that he ignored her the first time) Uh, excuse me.
Owner of the Inn: (Noticing that the Citizen of Bree#3 gave him a funny look) Yes I did, man!
Lizzo Baggins: (Beginning to get impatient) Uh-excuse me!
Owner of the Inn: (Sounding a bit agitated) Oh, so are you calling me a liar, is that it, man? (The Citizen of Bree#3 shrugs simply) Gees! I don't even know why I bother talking to you! All you ever do is-
Lizzo Baggins: (Really peeved at this point and shouting) HEY! WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND TURN AROUND AND HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
(Citizen of Bree#3 walks away from the Owner of the Inn, who turns towards Lizzo Baggins finally. He pulls a smile upon his face as he sees the young hobbit)
Owner of the Inn: (Friendly) Good evening, miss! What can I do for you?
Lizzo Baggins: (Thankful for finally getting some service) I would like to rent four hobbit-sized rooms, please.
Owner of the Inn: (Looks at her with a frown, then at the friends accompanying her. He laughs as he speaks) Miss, I'm afraid those rooms are reserved for hobbits, only.
Lizzo Baggins: (Assuring him) We're halflings.
Owner of the Inn: (Looking at her with a strange expression) Uh, all right then. I guess I can arrange that, Miss-? (Waving his hand indicating that he needs to know her name)
(Lizzo Baggins lets her eyes dart around the bar as she tries to think of a name to give the Owner of the Inn. Finally, her eyes catch Citizen of Bree#4, who is sitting on a stool with his underwear completely showing)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a hurried tone) Underwear!
Owner of the Inn: (Gives her a peculiar look) Excuse me, miss?
Lizzo Baggins: (Turning back to the Owner of the Inn) Underwear. My name is Miss Underwear! (Gives the Owner of the Inn an angry expression) Got a problem with that?
Owner of the Inn: (Afraid of losing business, he shakes his head) No, no!
Lizzo Baggins: (Nodding firmly) Then in that case, there is a man by the name of Kendalf that is waiting for us here. Can you please tell him that I have arrived?
Owner of the Inn: (Thinks for a while) Kendalf? Kendalf? (Lizzo Baggins looks a bit nervous as he remembers, afraid that he won't. But finally, he snaps up and smiles as he remembers) Oh right! I remember Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive! Black hair and everything!
Lizzo Baggins: (Gripping the edge of the counter in happiness) You know Kendalf!
Owner of the Inn: (Smiling) Yeah! Haven't seen him for six months, but I remember him.
(Lizzo Baggins' jaw drops as he says this and the Owner of the Inn turns away to refill a mug)
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting at his back) Thanks for giving my hopes up, buddy!
Owner of the Inn: (Happily) Don't mention it, miss.
(Frustrated and confused, Lizzo Baggins turns to her friends. Kram Gamgee looks worried. Jessie Brandybuck is just confused. Rippin Took is smiling at Lizzo Baggins)
Rippin Took: (In a mocking tone) Underwear, Lizzo? Oh, am I Miss Brassier now?
(Jessie Brandybuck laughs, but Kram Gamgee leans towards Lizzo Baggins nervously)
Kram Gamgee: (In a nervous whisper) What do we do now?
(Now we see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee sitting at a table-across from Rippin Took, who we don't see at the moment. They have their traveling cloaks off and are holding mugs of root beer)
Kram Gamgee: (Irritably at Lizzo Baggins) I don't think that sitting in a bar, drinking root beer, and doing nothing is going to solve this problem!
Lizzo Baggins: (Shrugs) Solves my problem. You know me-I'm lazy. Whatever floats my boat usually works. (Drinks root beer, and Kram Gamgee shakes her head)
(Now we see Rippin Took, about to take a sip from her drink, but she sees Jessie Brandybuck come back with a pint. Rippin Took's jaw drops as she sees Jessie Brandybuck sit down next to her, looking at her prize)
Rippin Took: (With a bit of a disgusted look on her face) What the hell is that?
Jessie Brandybuck: (Pointing eagerly at the drink) This-my friend-is a pint.
Rippin Took: (Still looking disgusted) Dear Lord! Even I wouldn't waste my money on something so ridiculously huge!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Waving the drink in front of Rippin Took) Oh-wouldn't you?
(Rippin Took keeps looking at the drink, and eventually we hear her thoughts)
Rippin Took: (Her thoughts) So much root beer-so much root beer! (Jumps up and speaks out loud) I'm getting one! (Goes over to bar excitedly)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Laughing as he watches Rippin Took disappear within the crowds) Works every time!
(We go back to Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee. Kram Gamgee looks very worried as she looks into her drink, not touching it. Lizzo Baggins is about to take another sip of her root beer, but stops when she sees her friend looking so miserable)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a gentle tone) Kram, what's up? You've been like this since we rented our rooms! You wouldn't even talk to me when we were checking out the rooms! Something wrong?
Kram Gamgee: (Doesn't look at Lizzo Baggins as she speaks, but looks into her drink) I don't understand, Miss Lizzo. (Looks at Lizzo Baggins with a confused expression) Of all things I can't understand-this one troubles me most! Where is he? He said he'd be here! At this inn-in this town! Didn't he, Miss Lizzo? Didn't he?
Lizzo Baggins: (Nodding slowly) He did.
Kram Gamgee: (Frustrated) Well then, where the heck is he?
Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking her head softly) I don't know, Kram. Maybe he got detoured?
Kram Gamgee: (Mumbling slightly, not intending for Lizzo Baggins to hear) Maybe he just decided to leave us here as a practical joke.
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Kram Gamgee with a serious expression) You know that Kendalf would never do something like that! Never! Don't you dare think something like that, Kram! Never again! He didn't abandon us! He's a wizard, Kram! He's not like us hobbits, who care about nothing and have little to do with our lives. Wizards are always out and about, looking for something to solve or something to do. He's just-a bit delayed, that's all.
Kram Gamgee: (Speaking in a low and heated whisper) Well I don't like him being delayed, Miss Lizzo! That's no ordinary movie you carry in your pocket! From what I heard in that bush, it's really dangerous! This is a very dangerous thing-we can't compete with it, Lizzo, and you know that, don't you? (Lizzo Baggins looks away) Don't you, Lizzo?
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Kram Gamgee again, with an expressionless face) He'll come, Kram. He'll come. A wizard is never late. Nor, is he early. He arrives-precisely when he means to.
Kram Gamgee: (Sniffs irritably) Well, if he means to arrive this late, he doesn't have a very good sense of judgment!
Lizzo Baggins: (Trying to keep Kram Gamgee calm) Kram, he'll come when he comes! We'll just have to wait a few more days! (Drops her voice to a whisper) I will keep the Movie safe in my pocket-nobody in this town will ever know its here. Just relax, Kram.
Kram Gamgee: (In a hysterical voice) Relax? Relax? How can I relax? I'm in an inn where they offer booklets on creating your own will and testament! (Looks towards left, and whispers) That man has done nothing but stare at us since we arrived!
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking as well, suddenly aware of everything) What? Where?
Kram Gamgee: (Rubbing her forehead angrily) You can't miss him!
(Lizzo Baggins looks for the man, and sees Citizen of Bree#5, who is staring at them, resting his chin on his hand. He is a skuzzy looking man, and it is no wonder why Kram Gamgee is worried about this. Lizzo Baggins looks at Kram Gamgee with a reassuring smile)
Lizzo Baggins: (Quietly) Don't worry, Kram, I'll take care of it. (Stands up, looks at Citizen of Bree#5 and starts shouting angrily) HEY! BUDDY! (Citizen of Bree#5 jumps as she shouts at him) YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU BUDDY! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM HUH? YA LIKE OGLING AT PEOPLE, HUH? LIKE STARIN' AT THEM AND MAKIN' THEM NERVOUS HUH? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A FREAKIN' PICTURE? IT'LL LAST YA LONGER! (Citizen of Bree#5 quickly gets up, obviously scared out of his mind, and leaves the tavern) THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! GET OUTTA HERE! (Breathes in and out for a while before looking at Kram Gamgee again with a smile upon her face) There, that wasn't that hard, was it?
Kram Gamgee: (A bit nervous after Lizzo Baggins' outburst) Uh-I wasn't talking about that guy-I was talking about that guy in the corner. (Points towards the left)
(Lizzo Baggins looks towards the corner, and sees Jimagorn, hunched up in the corner and staring at them from the hood of his cloak. We cannot see his face, but we know he's staring at the hobbits. Lizzo Baggins looks at Kram Gamgee angrily)
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Have you ever heard of "pointing"?
Kram Gamgee: (Shocked) Yes! But I don't like doing it! It's very rude!
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking at Kram Gamgee dead into the eyes as she talks) No, what I just did to that guy in the tavern was rude-you acted out of common idiocy! Gees!
(Camera goes over to the staring Jimagorn, who does not even move as he stares. Finally, a bit nervous about this, Lizzo Baggins taps the Owner of the Inn on the arm as he walks by their table)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a whisper as the Owner of the Inn looks at her) Excuse me, but there is a man in the corner who's just been staring at us since we got here. Don't look over!
(But the Owner of the Inn looks over anyways. Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee let out small outburst of anger)
Lizzo Baggins: (Throwing up her arms in anger) Okay, go ahead and look you freakin' idiot!
(Kram Gamgee places her hands over her eyes in disgust. The Owner of the Inn looks back at Lizzo Baggins with a dark look upon his face)
Owner of the Inn: (In a whisper, glancing back at Jimagorn) Pay no attention to him, Miss Underwear. He's one of them rangers that roam the land. Sometimes he'll come-many times he'll go-and you can never be too sure what he's thinking, if he thinks at all. What his real name is, I'm not too sure, but around here-he's known as "Gazer".
Lizzo Baggins: (A bemused expression upon her face) "Gazer"?
Owner of the Inn: (Nodding darkly) Yeah. Half the time he doesn't even know he's staring at you. Just pay him no mind, miss. (Walks away)
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at a still nervous Kram Gamgee) See, Kram? There's nothing to be afraid of. The guy's just gazing!
Kram Gamgee: (In a small voice) I don't know, Miss Lizzo. He's been staring too long at us to be really "gazing".
(Lizzo Baggins looks at the table and the camera shows her taking the movie out of her pocket. As she holds it in her hands, she closes her eyes and all of the sounds from the tavern seem to die out. Instead, we hear the Eye of Jauron whisper evilly-the camera closes in about Lizzo Baggins' face)
Eye of Jauron: (In a hissing type voice) Bagg-ins. Bagg-ins. Baggins. Baggins! Baggins!
(Lizzo Baggins' eyes snap open as she hears Rippin Took speak jovially)
Rippin Took: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins! (Camera shows her pointing over to Lizzo Baggins' table, with a pint-sized mug of root beer in front of her) She's over there! Lizzo Baggins!
(We go back to the horrified look on Lizzo Baggins, and she jumps up to stop Rippin Took from saying anymore. Kram Gamgee watches her in bewilderment)
Kram Gamgee: Lizzo, what're you-?
(But Lizzo Baggins doesn't seem to notice as she runs over to Rippin Took, who is talking to Citizens of Bree#5, 6, & 7)
Rippin Took: (Going on and on as if she hasn't said anything unusual) Yep, and she's single! (Gets a sly look on her face) If anyone's interested!
Lizzo Baggins: (Grabs Rippin Took, spins her around to face her, and starts shaking her) SHUT UP, RIPPIN! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY-SHUT-UP!
Rippin Took: (Spilling root beer all over the place and looking quite surprised at her friend's behavior) Lizzo! Stop it! (Gets agitated and roughly pushes Lizzo Baggins away) Get away, Lizzo!
(Lizzo Baggins screams a small scream before falling back and the camera shows her hands accidentally go up and let go of the Movie, which flies into the air in slow motion. We see Lizzo Baggins fall to the ground in slow motion, and then go back to the Movie, which is turning slowly in the air. Then, it starts to fall, and we get an overhead view of Lizzo Baggins reaching up to grasp it, but accidentally pushing the play chip. With a sudden whoosh! she's invisible. A gasp goes up from the bar. We see Rippin Took look suddenly shocked)
Rippin Took: (In a frightened voice) Lizzo?
(We go to the table where Jessie Brandybuck and Kram Gamgee are sitting and they look horrified at what has just happened)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Totally shocked) Oh-my-gosh!
Kram Gamgee: (In a quick, frightened voice) What're the odds of the Movie landing like that?
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a small voice) Not good. (Then, a smile curls upon her lips and she starts laughing at Kram Gamgee) Ha, ha! You owe me five dollars!
Kram Gamgee: (In an angry tone) No way! That was so unfair!
(We now go to Lizzo Baggins, who is in an area where everything is misty and slightly windy. She looks frightened out of her mind. Then, we see Verizon suddenly turn their head as he senses that the Movie is being used. We then see him, Adelphia, Sprint, and AT&T begin to ride to Bree. Back to Lizzo Baggins, she suddenly sees the dark forms of the nine Phone Solicitors around her, unable to distinguish them)
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting over all of the wind as she draws back in fear) This really sucks! I don't like this at all!
(We see the bright glow of the flames surrounding the Eye of Jauron upon Lizzo Baggins as she looks behind her)
Eye of Jauron: (In an evil, overpowering voice) You cannot hide.
(Lizzo Baggins turns and looks in front of her and screams. For in front of her, in perfect shape and easy to distinguish, is the flaming Eye of Jauron, coming towards her slowly as it speaks)
Eye of Jauron: (In a goofy type voice) I SEE YOU! (As we see Lizzo Baggins draw back and slowly take out the Movie, he resumes his evil voice) There is no other way-other than the void. (Shaking slightly, Lizzo Baggins draws the Movie to her and starts to move her finger towards the stop chip) Other than-death.
(Lizzo Baggins pushes the stop chip, and she's back in The Prancing Pony, under a table. Sweating from fear, she breathes in and out, looking around to be sure nothing from what just happened remains. When she sees that everything is good, she sighs with relief)
Lizzo Baggins: (Lifting the Movie to her face and fixing it with a surprised stare) You're a powerful little bugger, ain't you?
(Suddenly, Jimagorn's hand reaches down under the table and pulls out Lizzo Baggins roughly from the table. Lizzo Baggins gasps in fear. We see her being pushed against a wall, and the bent form of Jimagorn speaking to her in a whisper)
Jimagorn: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Miss Underwear.
(Jimagorn roughly pushes Lizzo Baggins up the stairs. Then we see the inside of an empty room, there is a poster that reads: "You are here-GET USED TO IT!" The door clicks as it is unlocked. Once opened, Jimagorn pushes a frightened Lizzo Baggins inside. Once inside, Jimagorn slams the door shut, and Lizzo Baggins scrambles to her feet, still clutching the Movie, and looking infuriated and frightened)
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily, trying to keep her voice free of fear) All right, bucko! What do you want?
Jimagorn: (Comes over to her) A bit more caution from you; that is no trinket you carry!
Lizzo Baggins: (Casually placing the Movie back into her pockets and looking at Jimagorn indignantly) I carry nothing.
Jimagorn: (Laughing slightly, going to the window) Indeed? (Goes over to the candles, and makes to extinguish them) I can make myself unseen-it is not that hard. (Winces in pain as he extinguishes the candles using his index finger and thumb. With his other hand, he makes to draw back the hood of his cloak) But to disappear entirely-(Removes hood and camera closes in about his face, looking quite sly) that is a rare gift indeed.
(Jimagorn is of a very lanky type build, nothing that would really qualify him as the hero of the bunch. His hair is quite strange: short and brown, but flipped slightly in the front; you could call it a wave. He always has a sword with him, and he has a fondness of touching himself. Lizzo Baggins looks suspiciously at the other)
Lizzo Baggins: (Glaring at him) Who are you?
Jimagorn: (Looking annoyed) Are you frightened?
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting) Well, duh! You practically drag me up here and know practically everything about me, when I've never seen you before! Naturally, people are accustomed to be afraid of these types of situations!
Jimagorn: (Whispering) Not frightened enough.
(Lizzo Baggins' eyes go wide at this statement. Suddenly we hear a clopping up the stairs-like many people running towards the room. In one motion that causes Lizzo Baggins to draw back in fear, Jimagorn draws out his sword and looks to the door. The camera goes to the door as it slams open, and Kram Gamgee, Rippin Took, and Jessie Brandybuck enter the room. Kram Gamgee has her fists up, Rippin Took carries a fork, and Jessie Brandybuck has a chair)
Kram Gamgee: (To a startled Jimagorn) Let her go! Or I'll have you, long shanks! And I warn you! I know Kung Fu!
(Kram Gamgee gets into a Kung Fu position, ready to fight. Jimagorn merely blinks at her for a moment, and lightly taps her on her extended hand. Kram Gamgee falls back, causing Rippin Took and Jessie Brandybuck to fall back as well)
Rippin Took: (In a sarcastic voice) Nice "Kung Fu", Kram!
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Yeah? Well-you grabbed a fork!
Rippin Took: (Brandishing the fork at Kram Gamgee) It was the only thing within reaching distance that was sharp and pointy-and have you ever sat on one of these things?
(The fallen hobbits get back up, grumbling to themselves. Jimagorn is smiling faintly as he sheathes his sword and speaks to Kram Gamgee)
Jimagorn: You have a stout heart, little one. But even that will not save you.
Lizzo Baggins: (In an angry tone) Look, buddy! If you're going to kill me, go ahead and kill me! But leave my friends out of-!
Jimagorn: (Frowning) Why the hell would I want to kill you?
Kram Gamgee: (Looking confused and angry) Well-if you don't want to kill Lizzo, then why'd you drag her up here so forcefully?
Jimagorn: (In a snappy voice) I do everything forcefully! (Shivers suddenly) Man, it's cold in here! (Goes over and slams down the open window so much that it shatters. Looks down at his pants and scolds) Damn it! These pants are way too big for me! They always come loose! (Pulls up pants forcefully, and his eyes suddenly go very wide and his mouth is snapped shut. He stares foreword for a very long time)
Lizzo Baggins: (Uneasily) Uh-are you all right, sir?
Jimagorn: (In a squeaky type voice) Oh sure! Just-pulled my pants up too much! Ouch! (Suddenly snaps back to attention and fixes Lizzo Baggins with a serious stare) There is no point in waiting for the wizard now, Lizzo. (Camera closes in on his face as he looks out of the window with his eyes) They're coming.
(Now we see the Gatekeeper of Bree look disgruntled as there is a heavy pounding upon the gate. He's shouting as he goes to see who's there)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Shouting as the pounding proceeds) JUST A MINUTE, YA BUNCH OF SPAZZES! (We see him open the vision flap and gasp)
(There is a bang as the gate is banged down on top of the Gatekeeper of Bree, and Verizon, Adelphia, Sprint, and AT&T ride into the town, on top of the gate, ringing their bells menacingly)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (From under the gate in a strangled voice) Ouchies!
(We follow the Phone Solicitors as they ride towards The Prancing Pony Inn, where they dismount and pull out their swords. AT&T brings up the rear)
AT&T: (In an amused voice) Hey! Did you guys see that Prancing Pony on Hickman street? That was so awesome!
(The Phone Solicitors go inside the inn, their swords ready and they're heads moving as they look around. We see the Owner of the Inn, in his pajamas and leaning up against a wall. He looks petrified as the Phone Solicitors pass him)
Owner of the Inn: (In a shaky, quiet voice) Oh, this sucks! This really sucks!
(Now we see Jessie Brandybuck sleeping in a bed, snoring happily)
Jessie Brandybuck: (After each snore) Ham.
(Then we see Rippin Took sleeping as we, looking a bit angry in her bed)
Rippin Took: (Talking in her sleep) No, mom! I don't wanta mow the lawn today! Make Ted do it!
(Then we see Kram Gamgee sleeping, a content smile upon her face as she talks in her sleep)
Kram Gamgee: I'm-too sexy-for my clippers, too sexy-for my clippers, too sexy-for my clippers-
(The camera zones out and shows the room where the hobbits are staying. Then, we see the Phone Solicitors with their swords raised, ready to kill)
Adelphia: (In front and in a hissing voice) Sprint! Verizon! Take those beds! We'll take these ones!
AT&T: (In the back, and in a normal, nervous sounding voice) Uh, Adelphia? I was just thinking-since we're not really getting anything out of this- maybe we should just go away and not kill the hobbits?
Adelphia: (In a normal, angry voice) You know what, AT&T? I'm gettin' really tired of your crap!
Sprint: (In an agitated voice) Yeah, AT&T! Why must you ruin everything for us?
Verizon: (Also angry) Yeah! Like last year, when we were gonna get out of health checks, but you reminded them! I found out I had type two diabetes because of you! (Suddenly draws out blood tester) Oh yeah! I have to check my blood sugar.
Adelphia: (Very angry at this turn out) Can we just get this over with? I've got movie rental due back before eleven!
(Quietly, the Phone Solicitors move towards the beds. We see Sprint lift up his sword gracefully)
Sprint: (In a feminine type voice) Okay, guys! All in sync!
Verizon: (Looks at AT&T, whose next to him) Okay, that's the last time we send Sprint to choreography camp!
AT&T: (In a whisper) Ditto.
(The Phone Solicitors raise their swords silently, and-at the same time- they plunge their swords into the beds. They do this repeatedly, silently. We then see Jimagorn looking out of the window, touching his chest, from across the street. He watches apprehensively. Then, Sprint grabs the covers and pulls them back. He starts screaming and hissing as he finds nothing but pillows and feathers under there)
Sprint: (Hissing) The hobbits have turned into feathers!
AT&T: (Turning down the covers of the bed he's at and discovering the same thing) No, you idiot! We've-been-fooled!
(They start hissing in pure anger, and we back across the street, where we see Jessie Brandybuck, Rippin Took, and Kram Gamgee all sitting up in the same bed. They are looking out of the window in fear-hearing what has just happened)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Nervously putting on her glasses) What the hell is that?
Rippin Took: (Sounding confused) I don't know. At first I thought it was Kram snoring but-I don't know.
Kram Gamgee: (Giving Rippin Took a dirty look) What? Don't even get me started on what sounds are made by whom, Rippin!
(The camera then shows Lizzo Baggins sitting on the edge of the bed and looking nervously at Jimagorn)
Lizzo Baggins: (Nervously) What are they?
Jimagorn: (Looks at Lizzo Baggins and gives a grim smile) They used to be Men. Great kings, actually. But then the Dark Lord, Jauron, presented them nine action movies of power, and they took them without thought- blinded by their greed. (Looks out of the window at the Phone Solicitors coming out of inn) They were no longer who they were anymore-their movies had changed them greatly. Now, they are a more horrible force than anything in this world.
Lizzo Baggins: (Her eyes going wide in fear) You-You don't mean-!
Jimagorn: (Quite smoothly) Yes, Lizzo. (Camera closes in about his face as he says the name) Phone solicitors.
(The hobbits gasp with fear, and Jimagorn looks out of the window as if nothing had been said. As he explains to the hobbits, we see the Phone Solicitors ride away from the town of Bree, and become scattered over the lands outside of it)
Jimagorn: They are an unspeakable force-neither living nor dead. They know no value of life-for they honestly do not have one. Their sole purpose is in aiding the Dark Lord, Jauron in Mordor. He has sent them to find the One Movie of Power and return it to him. They are tied to it-never ending their search for it. They will never stop hunting you.
(We see the Phone Solicitors riding out of Bree upon their bicycles, cycling heavily upon a worn path in the forest. Suddenly, Sprint, who is in the back, yells out for the rest to hear)
Sprint: (Awkwardly) Uh-guys! I need some help back here!
(We see Sprint struggling slightly, as he has his long robes stuck in the chain of the bicycle. Adelphia sounds very agitated as he gets off his bike and heads over to the other to help)
Adelphia: (Angrily) I don't understand why you don't just hem up your robes like the rest of us!
Sprint: (With dignity) Hey! Longer robes make me feel taller!
Adelphia: (Angrily) You don't need to be any taller than you already are, you nitwit! (Gets Sprint's robes from the chain and moves back to his horse)
Sprint: (In a whining voice) I don't understand why we don't all have horses! They had those in the original movie!
Adelphia: (In an awkward tone) We've been through this, Sprint-the movie crew's on a tight budget! (In a distinguishable whisper while making a slicing pattern over his neck) Drop it!
(We see the Phone Solicitors take off upon their bikes again. Suddenly we approach the next day, and Jimagorn is leading the hobbits into the forest. Jessie Brandybuck is behind them all, pulling on her traveling cloak angrily)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Agitated) Uh, guys! When I say I'm not ready, I'm usually not ready!
Lizzo Baggins: (Following Jimagorn at a fair distance) Where're you taking us?
Jimagorn: (With a fierce look upon his face) Into the wild!
Rippin Took: (Brightly) Las Vegas?
Jimagorn: (Looking behind him with a sneer) No! The forest, you dork!
(Rippin Took shuts her mouth, obviously upset at being called a, "dork". Kram Gamgee, runs up to Lizzo Baggins)
Kram Gamgee: (In a low tone, so Jimagorn won't hear) How do we know that this "Gazer" fellow is really a friend of Kendalf?
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Jimagorn for a moment and whispers back to Kram Gamgee) Something tells me that a servant for the Dark Lord would be fairer in complexion, and Jimagorn isn't really the brightest coin in the chest- besides, he touches himself too much.
(At that moment, Jimagorn strokes his chest lovingly. Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee sneer and shudder)
Kram Gamgee: (Still whispering) Yeah, well-where's this Gazer taking us?
Jimagorn: (In a blank tone) Rivendell, Miss Gamgee. That's right, I can hear you.
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking at Rippin Took with an excited look) You hear that, Rippin? We're going to go see the Elves!
Rippin Took: (Looks excited as well) Wow! Maybe they'll give us candy canes and presents!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looks at Rippin Took for a while and angrily exclaims) You idiot, Rippin! Those are Christmas Elves!
Rippin Took: (Sounding disappointed) AWE, MAN!
(The camera zooms out and we see the hobbits and the Man traveling at a distance along the forested area. Then, we go up and see Jimagorn taking a leaf off the tree and sniffing it strongly. Lizzo Baggins stops behind him and watches him with raised eyebrows. He lets out a breath of relief)
Lizzo Baggins: (Awkwardly) Er-what exactly was that for?
Jimagorn: (Turns around and shrugs) I like the smell of leaves!
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking off to the side) Uh, okay-I guess.
(We suddenly hear a bustling behind Lizzo Baggins and Jimagorn. The camera shows Rippin Took, Kram Gamgee, and Jessie Brandybuck opening up Kram Gamgee's cooking supplies' bag and start getting items out)
Jimagorn: (Shouting towards them, with an amused expression upon his face) Ladies! We do not stop until nightfall.
(Rippin Took, Kram Gamgee, and Jessie Brandybuck looked outraged)
Rippin Took: (Hysterically) But what about breakfast?
Jimagorn: (With a frown upon his face) You-already had it.
Rippin Took: (Rolling her eyes) Well we had one, yes. But what about second breakfast, hmm? (Puts up two fingers with an intelligent look upon her face)
Jimagorn: (Laughing as he turns around and continues through the forest) Second breakfast! Ha! Second-that's so-HA! You hobbits crack me up.
(Rippin Took looks a bit angry that Jimagorn laughed at her, but Jessie Brandybuck puts a hand on her shoulder as Kram Gamgee sadly puts away the frying pans)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Quietly) Uh-I don't think he's heard of second breakfast, Rip.
(Jessie Brandybuck begins to walk away, but Rippin Took looks very shocked as she runs up to her friend)
Rippin Took: (Desperately) What about elevenes? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? Brunch? (Turns Jessie Brandybuck around so she can face her) Tell me he's heard of brunch!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Shaking her head) I wouldn't count on it.
(Suddenly an apple is thrown by Jimagorn, and Rippin Took catches it with a stunned look upon her face. She scolds down at the apple)
Rippin Took: (To Kram Gamgee, who is passing by) Is this supposed to be second breakfast?
Kram Gamgee: (Putting a hand on Rippin Took's shoulder) Nope-it's supposed to be a snack; and something to make you shut up. (Pats Rippin Took on the shoulder briskly and keeps walking)
Rippin Took: (Looking down at the apple angrily) WEAK!
(We see them traveling through stinking bogs, the hobbits slapping their faces as mosquitoes bite them. Then, later that night, we see Jimagorn come towards where they're camping, lugging a dead deer over his shoulders. Jessie Brandybuck and Rippin Took, who are tending the fire, look at Jimagorn with surprise at his prize)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Really surprised) Wow, Jimagorn! I didn't know you could hunt game!
(Jimagorn puts the dead deer down and Jessie Brandybuck studies it intently)
Jimagorn: (Rubbing his hands) Yeah, convenient, eh? I found this dead next to the sewage plant.
(We see Jessie Brandybuck coil away from the deer and Rippin Took wrinkle her nose in distaste. We go forward, to see Lizzo Baggins, sleeping next to Rippin Took, and having a horrible time sleeping, tossing and turning in her cloak. Jimagorn has his back to her and is keeping watch)
Jimagorn: (Calmly) Try and get some rest, Lizzo. We have a big journey ahead of us.
Lizzo Baggins: (Frustrated, she sits up) I can't sleep! It's cold! It's wet! The ground's hard! And that smell is enough to drive me nuts!
Jimagorn: (Calmly) Then move away from Rippin.
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at the sleeping form of Rippin Took and nods in understanding) Oh!
Rippin Took: Don't you find it odd that it started raining like this the moment we got here?
Jessie Brandybuck: (Her eyes going wide) Hey, yeah!
(Lizzo Baggins, who is in lead, looks both ways across the road before speaking)
Lizzo Baggins: (Whispering) Okay, let's go!
(They run across the road and Lizzo Baggins knocks upon the gates three times. We hear Gatekeeper of Bree speak)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Sounding very ill-tempered at being disturbed) Just a minute! This better be important! I'm watching Roseanne!
Rippin Took: (Brightly) They've got cable!
(We hear an eye flap open and the hobbits look up towards the gate as the Gatekeeper of Bree speaks)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (In a confused voice) What're you kids doing out in the middle of the night? Don't you know the times when the gates close?
Lizzo Baggins: (Correcting) We're actually hobbits.
Gatekeeper of Bree: (In a disbelieving tone) Hobbits? No, you're too tall!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Brightly) We're halflings!
Kram Gamgee: (Rolling his eyes) Don't ask.
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Suspicious) Well, what brings you four to Bree?
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting over the pouring rain) We wish to go to The Prancing Pony. Our business is our own!
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Startled at this reaction) Sorry, it's not my fault! You don't have to get so snappy with me, little one. (Opens the gate, and the hobbits come in gratefully. We follow them inside, and the Gatekeeper of Bree closes the gate behind them and keeps speaking to them) I have to ask everyone, you know! Lot of strange folk about, you know. Can't be too careful.
(Gate wobbles violently in the strong gust of wind)
Rippin Took: (Muttering to Jessie Brandybuck) Oh yes, and we all know that gate will help loads!
(Jessie Brandybuck stifles a laugh, and Lizzo Baggins looks at the Gatekeeper of Bree to ask him a question)
Lizzo Baggins: Uh, where is The Prancing Pony, by the way?
Gatekeeper of Bree: (In a friendly tone) It's down Hickman's street, little one! You cannot miss it! (Points the destination)
Lizzo Baggins: Thank you.
(The hobbits proceed into the town, the rain pouring down. The camera catches many of the townspeople, who look very disgruntled. Many of the townspeople are eating carrots and they glare as the hobbits pass. The camera goes in towards the hobbits as Rippin Took speaks)
Rippin Took: (In a curious tone) Do you think these people get lots of constipation?
Jessie Brandybuck: (Turning towards Rippin Took and whispering hoarsely) Rippin!
Rippin Took: (Wondering what the big deal is) What? I've seen at least ten people in this town eating carrots! That can't be good for you!
(Camera goes to Lizzo Baggins, who is followed by Kram Gamgee)
Kram Gamgee: (Looking around at the street they're on) I don't see any "Prancing Pony" inn on this street!
(Lizzo Baggins looks forward, and Kram Gamgee looks as well. Kram Gamgee's jaw drops in shock)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a flat voice) Oh-good Lord!
(We then see what's in front of them: a pony dressed in woman's clothing and a basket in its mouth. The Showman is shouting in a cheery voice, despite the rain)
Showman: Step right up and see the Prancing Pony! She's been bred to frolic in the fields and prance around! For five dollars, we'll let you talk to her for a whole twenty minutes. We're not so sure she'll talk, but you never know! Step right up! Step right up!
Lizzo Baggins: (Camera going back to her and Kram Gamgee) Uh-maybe I should've said, "The Prancing Pony Inn".
Kram Gamgee: (Nodding) Yeah, I think so too.
Lizzo Baggins: (Goes up to Citizen of Bree#1, who is watching the pony) Uh, excuse me? Where is The Prancing Pony Inn?
Citizen of Bree#1: (In a friendly tone) Down Hermit street, little one.
Lizzo Baggins: Thank you.
(The hobbits turn around and begin to go the other way. As soon as the pass the sign for Hermit street, Kram Gamgee speaks up)
Kram Gamgee: You know-I don't know what Kendalf was so worried about! Bree's not such a bad place!
(Suddenly, we hear a crashing as Citizen of Bree#2 angrily shouts. The hobbits stop dead to hear)
Citizen of Bree#2: AND IF YOU COME NEAR MY BLENDER AGAIN, BOB, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL CUT YOUR THROAT OUT WITH MY WIFE'S PINKING SHEARS!
(The hobbits look at one another nervously)
Kram Gamgee: (In a rather small voice) Well, once you get past the occasional emotional outburst, Bree's not a bad town.
(The hobbits resume walking, and they finally arrive at the end of Hermit street, where the camera distinctly shows The Prancing Pony Inn right ahead of them. Happy to see the inn, the hobbits walk towards the inn. The camera follows them inside, and they remove the hoods off their cloaks and shake their heads of the water that collected upon their hair. Jessie Brandybuck cleans her glasses, and Rippin Took wrings her ponytail of water. Lizzo Baggins is looking around, water dripping from her bangs. The camera gets a good look of the inn, which is full of Men who are laughing and getting drunk. Nervously, Lizzo Baggins goes up to the counter to talk to the Owner of the Inn, who has his back turned towards them and is talking to Citizen of Bree#3)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a small voice) Excuse me.
Owner of the Inn: (Not noticing the hobbit) And so I told her, "You'd better quit it!"
Lizzo Baggins: (Overlooking the fact that he ignored her the first time) Uh, excuse me.
Owner of the Inn: (Noticing that the Citizen of Bree#3 gave him a funny look) Yes I did, man!
Lizzo Baggins: (Beginning to get impatient) Uh-excuse me!
Owner of the Inn: (Sounding a bit agitated) Oh, so are you calling me a liar, is that it, man? (The Citizen of Bree#3 shrugs simply) Gees! I don't even know why I bother talking to you! All you ever do is-
Lizzo Baggins: (Really peeved at this point and shouting) HEY! WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND TURN AROUND AND HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
(Citizen of Bree#3 walks away from the Owner of the Inn, who turns towards Lizzo Baggins finally. He pulls a smile upon his face as he sees the young hobbit)
Owner of the Inn: (Friendly) Good evening, miss! What can I do for you?
Lizzo Baggins: (Thankful for finally getting some service) I would like to rent four hobbit-sized rooms, please.
Owner of the Inn: (Looks at her with a frown, then at the friends accompanying her. He laughs as he speaks) Miss, I'm afraid those rooms are reserved for hobbits, only.
Lizzo Baggins: (Assuring him) We're halflings.
Owner of the Inn: (Looking at her with a strange expression) Uh, all right then. I guess I can arrange that, Miss-? (Waving his hand indicating that he needs to know her name)
(Lizzo Baggins lets her eyes dart around the bar as she tries to think of a name to give the Owner of the Inn. Finally, her eyes catch Citizen of Bree#4, who is sitting on a stool with his underwear completely showing)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a hurried tone) Underwear!
Owner of the Inn: (Gives her a peculiar look) Excuse me, miss?
Lizzo Baggins: (Turning back to the Owner of the Inn) Underwear. My name is Miss Underwear! (Gives the Owner of the Inn an angry expression) Got a problem with that?
Owner of the Inn: (Afraid of losing business, he shakes his head) No, no!
Lizzo Baggins: (Nodding firmly) Then in that case, there is a man by the name of Kendalf that is waiting for us here. Can you please tell him that I have arrived?
Owner of the Inn: (Thinks for a while) Kendalf? Kendalf? (Lizzo Baggins looks a bit nervous as he remembers, afraid that he won't. But finally, he snaps up and smiles as he remembers) Oh right! I remember Kendalf, the old but extremely attractive! Black hair and everything!
Lizzo Baggins: (Gripping the edge of the counter in happiness) You know Kendalf!
Owner of the Inn: (Smiling) Yeah! Haven't seen him for six months, but I remember him.
(Lizzo Baggins' jaw drops as he says this and the Owner of the Inn turns away to refill a mug)
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting at his back) Thanks for giving my hopes up, buddy!
Owner of the Inn: (Happily) Don't mention it, miss.
(Frustrated and confused, Lizzo Baggins turns to her friends. Kram Gamgee looks worried. Jessie Brandybuck is just confused. Rippin Took is smiling at Lizzo Baggins)
Rippin Took: (In a mocking tone) Underwear, Lizzo? Oh, am I Miss Brassier now?
(Jessie Brandybuck laughs, but Kram Gamgee leans towards Lizzo Baggins nervously)
Kram Gamgee: (In a nervous whisper) What do we do now?
(Now we see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee sitting at a table-across from Rippin Took, who we don't see at the moment. They have their traveling cloaks off and are holding mugs of root beer)
Kram Gamgee: (Irritably at Lizzo Baggins) I don't think that sitting in a bar, drinking root beer, and doing nothing is going to solve this problem!
Lizzo Baggins: (Shrugs) Solves my problem. You know me-I'm lazy. Whatever floats my boat usually works. (Drinks root beer, and Kram Gamgee shakes her head)
(Now we see Rippin Took, about to take a sip from her drink, but she sees Jessie Brandybuck come back with a pint. Rippin Took's jaw drops as she sees Jessie Brandybuck sit down next to her, looking at her prize)
Rippin Took: (With a bit of a disgusted look on her face) What the hell is that?
Jessie Brandybuck: (Pointing eagerly at the drink) This-my friend-is a pint.
Rippin Took: (Still looking disgusted) Dear Lord! Even I wouldn't waste my money on something so ridiculously huge!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Waving the drink in front of Rippin Took) Oh-wouldn't you?
(Rippin Took keeps looking at the drink, and eventually we hear her thoughts)
Rippin Took: (Her thoughts) So much root beer-so much root beer! (Jumps up and speaks out loud) I'm getting one! (Goes over to bar excitedly)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Laughing as he watches Rippin Took disappear within the crowds) Works every time!
(We go back to Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee. Kram Gamgee looks very worried as she looks into her drink, not touching it. Lizzo Baggins is about to take another sip of her root beer, but stops when she sees her friend looking so miserable)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a gentle tone) Kram, what's up? You've been like this since we rented our rooms! You wouldn't even talk to me when we were checking out the rooms! Something wrong?
Kram Gamgee: (Doesn't look at Lizzo Baggins as she speaks, but looks into her drink) I don't understand, Miss Lizzo. (Looks at Lizzo Baggins with a confused expression) Of all things I can't understand-this one troubles me most! Where is he? He said he'd be here! At this inn-in this town! Didn't he, Miss Lizzo? Didn't he?
Lizzo Baggins: (Nodding slowly) He did.
Kram Gamgee: (Frustrated) Well then, where the heck is he?
Lizzo Baggins: (Shaking her head softly) I don't know, Kram. Maybe he got detoured?
Kram Gamgee: (Mumbling slightly, not intending for Lizzo Baggins to hear) Maybe he just decided to leave us here as a practical joke.
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Kram Gamgee with a serious expression) You know that Kendalf would never do something like that! Never! Don't you dare think something like that, Kram! Never again! He didn't abandon us! He's a wizard, Kram! He's not like us hobbits, who care about nothing and have little to do with our lives. Wizards are always out and about, looking for something to solve or something to do. He's just-a bit delayed, that's all.
Kram Gamgee: (Speaking in a low and heated whisper) Well I don't like him being delayed, Miss Lizzo! That's no ordinary movie you carry in your pocket! From what I heard in that bush, it's really dangerous! This is a very dangerous thing-we can't compete with it, Lizzo, and you know that, don't you? (Lizzo Baggins looks away) Don't you, Lizzo?
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Kram Gamgee again, with an expressionless face) He'll come, Kram. He'll come. A wizard is never late. Nor, is he early. He arrives-precisely when he means to.
Kram Gamgee: (Sniffs irritably) Well, if he means to arrive this late, he doesn't have a very good sense of judgment!
Lizzo Baggins: (Trying to keep Kram Gamgee calm) Kram, he'll come when he comes! We'll just have to wait a few more days! (Drops her voice to a whisper) I will keep the Movie safe in my pocket-nobody in this town will ever know its here. Just relax, Kram.
Kram Gamgee: (In a hysterical voice) Relax? Relax? How can I relax? I'm in an inn where they offer booklets on creating your own will and testament! (Looks towards left, and whispers) That man has done nothing but stare at us since we arrived!
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking as well, suddenly aware of everything) What? Where?
Kram Gamgee: (Rubbing her forehead angrily) You can't miss him!
(Lizzo Baggins looks for the man, and sees Citizen of Bree#5, who is staring at them, resting his chin on his hand. He is a skuzzy looking man, and it is no wonder why Kram Gamgee is worried about this. Lizzo Baggins looks at Kram Gamgee with a reassuring smile)
Lizzo Baggins: (Quietly) Don't worry, Kram, I'll take care of it. (Stands up, looks at Citizen of Bree#5 and starts shouting angrily) HEY! BUDDY! (Citizen of Bree#5 jumps as she shouts at him) YEAH, I'M TALKIN' TO YOU BUDDY! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM HUH? YA LIKE OGLING AT PEOPLE, HUH? LIKE STARIN' AT THEM AND MAKIN' THEM NERVOUS HUH? WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A FREAKIN' PICTURE? IT'LL LAST YA LONGER! (Citizen of Bree#5 quickly gets up, obviously scared out of his mind, and leaves the tavern) THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT! GET OUTTA HERE! (Breathes in and out for a while before looking at Kram Gamgee again with a smile upon her face) There, that wasn't that hard, was it?
Kram Gamgee: (A bit nervous after Lizzo Baggins' outburst) Uh-I wasn't talking about that guy-I was talking about that guy in the corner. (Points towards the left)
(Lizzo Baggins looks towards the corner, and sees Jimagorn, hunched up in the corner and staring at them from the hood of his cloak. We cannot see his face, but we know he's staring at the hobbits. Lizzo Baggins looks at Kram Gamgee angrily)
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Have you ever heard of "pointing"?
Kram Gamgee: (Shocked) Yes! But I don't like doing it! It's very rude!
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking at Kram Gamgee dead into the eyes as she talks) No, what I just did to that guy in the tavern was rude-you acted out of common idiocy! Gees!
(Camera goes over to the staring Jimagorn, who does not even move as he stares. Finally, a bit nervous about this, Lizzo Baggins taps the Owner of the Inn on the arm as he walks by their table)
Lizzo Baggins: (In a whisper as the Owner of the Inn looks at her) Excuse me, but there is a man in the corner who's just been staring at us since we got here. Don't look over!
(But the Owner of the Inn looks over anyways. Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee let out small outburst of anger)
Lizzo Baggins: (Throwing up her arms in anger) Okay, go ahead and look you freakin' idiot!
(Kram Gamgee places her hands over her eyes in disgust. The Owner of the Inn looks back at Lizzo Baggins with a dark look upon his face)
Owner of the Inn: (In a whisper, glancing back at Jimagorn) Pay no attention to him, Miss Underwear. He's one of them rangers that roam the land. Sometimes he'll come-many times he'll go-and you can never be too sure what he's thinking, if he thinks at all. What his real name is, I'm not too sure, but around here-he's known as "Gazer".
Lizzo Baggins: (A bemused expression upon her face) "Gazer"?
Owner of the Inn: (Nodding darkly) Yeah. Half the time he doesn't even know he's staring at you. Just pay him no mind, miss. (Walks away)
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at a still nervous Kram Gamgee) See, Kram? There's nothing to be afraid of. The guy's just gazing!
Kram Gamgee: (In a small voice) I don't know, Miss Lizzo. He's been staring too long at us to be really "gazing".
(Lizzo Baggins looks at the table and the camera shows her taking the movie out of her pocket. As she holds it in her hands, she closes her eyes and all of the sounds from the tavern seem to die out. Instead, we hear the Eye of Jauron whisper evilly-the camera closes in about Lizzo Baggins' face)
Eye of Jauron: (In a hissing type voice) Bagg-ins. Bagg-ins. Baggins. Baggins! Baggins!
(Lizzo Baggins' eyes snap open as she hears Rippin Took speak jovially)
Rippin Took: Baggins? Sure I know a Baggins! (Camera shows her pointing over to Lizzo Baggins' table, with a pint-sized mug of root beer in front of her) She's over there! Lizzo Baggins!
(We go back to the horrified look on Lizzo Baggins, and she jumps up to stop Rippin Took from saying anymore. Kram Gamgee watches her in bewilderment)
Kram Gamgee: Lizzo, what're you-?
(But Lizzo Baggins doesn't seem to notice as she runs over to Rippin Took, who is talking to Citizens of Bree#5, 6, & 7)
Rippin Took: (Going on and on as if she hasn't said anything unusual) Yep, and she's single! (Gets a sly look on her face) If anyone's interested!
Lizzo Baggins: (Grabs Rippin Took, spins her around to face her, and starts shaking her) SHUT UP, RIPPIN! IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY-SHUT-UP!
Rippin Took: (Spilling root beer all over the place and looking quite surprised at her friend's behavior) Lizzo! Stop it! (Gets agitated and roughly pushes Lizzo Baggins away) Get away, Lizzo!
(Lizzo Baggins screams a small scream before falling back and the camera shows her hands accidentally go up and let go of the Movie, which flies into the air in slow motion. We see Lizzo Baggins fall to the ground in slow motion, and then go back to the Movie, which is turning slowly in the air. Then, it starts to fall, and we get an overhead view of Lizzo Baggins reaching up to grasp it, but accidentally pushing the play chip. With a sudden whoosh! she's invisible. A gasp goes up from the bar. We see Rippin Took look suddenly shocked)
Rippin Took: (In a frightened voice) Lizzo?
(We go to the table where Jessie Brandybuck and Kram Gamgee are sitting and they look horrified at what has just happened)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Totally shocked) Oh-my-gosh!
Kram Gamgee: (In a quick, frightened voice) What're the odds of the Movie landing like that?
Jessie Brandybuck: (In a small voice) Not good. (Then, a smile curls upon her lips and she starts laughing at Kram Gamgee) Ha, ha! You owe me five dollars!
Kram Gamgee: (In an angry tone) No way! That was so unfair!
(We now go to Lizzo Baggins, who is in an area where everything is misty and slightly windy. She looks frightened out of her mind. Then, we see Verizon suddenly turn their head as he senses that the Movie is being used. We then see him, Adelphia, Sprint, and AT&T begin to ride to Bree. Back to Lizzo Baggins, she suddenly sees the dark forms of the nine Phone Solicitors around her, unable to distinguish them)
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting over all of the wind as she draws back in fear) This really sucks! I don't like this at all!
(We see the bright glow of the flames surrounding the Eye of Jauron upon Lizzo Baggins as she looks behind her)
Eye of Jauron: (In an evil, overpowering voice) You cannot hide.
(Lizzo Baggins turns and looks in front of her and screams. For in front of her, in perfect shape and easy to distinguish, is the flaming Eye of Jauron, coming towards her slowly as it speaks)
Eye of Jauron: (In a goofy type voice) I SEE YOU! (As we see Lizzo Baggins draw back and slowly take out the Movie, he resumes his evil voice) There is no other way-other than the void. (Shaking slightly, Lizzo Baggins draws the Movie to her and starts to move her finger towards the stop chip) Other than-death.
(Lizzo Baggins pushes the stop chip, and she's back in The Prancing Pony, under a table. Sweating from fear, she breathes in and out, looking around to be sure nothing from what just happened remains. When she sees that everything is good, she sighs with relief)
Lizzo Baggins: (Lifting the Movie to her face and fixing it with a surprised stare) You're a powerful little bugger, ain't you?
(Suddenly, Jimagorn's hand reaches down under the table and pulls out Lizzo Baggins roughly from the table. Lizzo Baggins gasps in fear. We see her being pushed against a wall, and the bent form of Jimagorn speaking to her in a whisper)
Jimagorn: You draw far too much attention to yourself, Miss Underwear.
(Jimagorn roughly pushes Lizzo Baggins up the stairs. Then we see the inside of an empty room, there is a poster that reads: "You are here-GET USED TO IT!" The door clicks as it is unlocked. Once opened, Jimagorn pushes a frightened Lizzo Baggins inside. Once inside, Jimagorn slams the door shut, and Lizzo Baggins scrambles to her feet, still clutching the Movie, and looking infuriated and frightened)
Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily, trying to keep her voice free of fear) All right, bucko! What do you want?
Jimagorn: (Comes over to her) A bit more caution from you; that is no trinket you carry!
Lizzo Baggins: (Casually placing the Movie back into her pockets and looking at Jimagorn indignantly) I carry nothing.
Jimagorn: (Laughing slightly, going to the window) Indeed? (Goes over to the candles, and makes to extinguish them) I can make myself unseen-it is not that hard. (Winces in pain as he extinguishes the candles using his index finger and thumb. With his other hand, he makes to draw back the hood of his cloak) But to disappear entirely-(Removes hood and camera closes in about his face, looking quite sly) that is a rare gift indeed.
(Jimagorn is of a very lanky type build, nothing that would really qualify him as the hero of the bunch. His hair is quite strange: short and brown, but flipped slightly in the front; you could call it a wave. He always has a sword with him, and he has a fondness of touching himself. Lizzo Baggins looks suspiciously at the other)
Lizzo Baggins: (Glaring at him) Who are you?
Jimagorn: (Looking annoyed) Are you frightened?
Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting) Well, duh! You practically drag me up here and know practically everything about me, when I've never seen you before! Naturally, people are accustomed to be afraid of these types of situations!
Jimagorn: (Whispering) Not frightened enough.
(Lizzo Baggins' eyes go wide at this statement. Suddenly we hear a clopping up the stairs-like many people running towards the room. In one motion that causes Lizzo Baggins to draw back in fear, Jimagorn draws out his sword and looks to the door. The camera goes to the door as it slams open, and Kram Gamgee, Rippin Took, and Jessie Brandybuck enter the room. Kram Gamgee has her fists up, Rippin Took carries a fork, and Jessie Brandybuck has a chair)
Kram Gamgee: (To a startled Jimagorn) Let her go! Or I'll have you, long shanks! And I warn you! I know Kung Fu!
(Kram Gamgee gets into a Kung Fu position, ready to fight. Jimagorn merely blinks at her for a moment, and lightly taps her on her extended hand. Kram Gamgee falls back, causing Rippin Took and Jessie Brandybuck to fall back as well)
Rippin Took: (In a sarcastic voice) Nice "Kung Fu", Kram!
Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Yeah? Well-you grabbed a fork!
Rippin Took: (Brandishing the fork at Kram Gamgee) It was the only thing within reaching distance that was sharp and pointy-and have you ever sat on one of these things?
(The fallen hobbits get back up, grumbling to themselves. Jimagorn is smiling faintly as he sheathes his sword and speaks to Kram Gamgee)
Jimagorn: You have a stout heart, little one. But even that will not save you.
Lizzo Baggins: (In an angry tone) Look, buddy! If you're going to kill me, go ahead and kill me! But leave my friends out of-!
Jimagorn: (Frowning) Why the hell would I want to kill you?
Kram Gamgee: (Looking confused and angry) Well-if you don't want to kill Lizzo, then why'd you drag her up here so forcefully?
Jimagorn: (In a snappy voice) I do everything forcefully! (Shivers suddenly) Man, it's cold in here! (Goes over and slams down the open window so much that it shatters. Looks down at his pants and scolds) Damn it! These pants are way too big for me! They always come loose! (Pulls up pants forcefully, and his eyes suddenly go very wide and his mouth is snapped shut. He stares foreword for a very long time)
Lizzo Baggins: (Uneasily) Uh-are you all right, sir?
Jimagorn: (In a squeaky type voice) Oh sure! Just-pulled my pants up too much! Ouch! (Suddenly snaps back to attention and fixes Lizzo Baggins with a serious stare) There is no point in waiting for the wizard now, Lizzo. (Camera closes in on his face as he looks out of the window with his eyes) They're coming.
(Now we see the Gatekeeper of Bree look disgruntled as there is a heavy pounding upon the gate. He's shouting as he goes to see who's there)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (Shouting as the pounding proceeds) JUST A MINUTE, YA BUNCH OF SPAZZES! (We see him open the vision flap and gasp)
(There is a bang as the gate is banged down on top of the Gatekeeper of Bree, and Verizon, Adelphia, Sprint, and AT&T ride into the town, on top of the gate, ringing their bells menacingly)
Gatekeeper of Bree: (From under the gate in a strangled voice) Ouchies!
(We follow the Phone Solicitors as they ride towards The Prancing Pony Inn, where they dismount and pull out their swords. AT&T brings up the rear)
AT&T: (In an amused voice) Hey! Did you guys see that Prancing Pony on Hickman street? That was so awesome!
(The Phone Solicitors go inside the inn, their swords ready and they're heads moving as they look around. We see the Owner of the Inn, in his pajamas and leaning up against a wall. He looks petrified as the Phone Solicitors pass him)
Owner of the Inn: (In a shaky, quiet voice) Oh, this sucks! This really sucks!
(Now we see Jessie Brandybuck sleeping in a bed, snoring happily)
Jessie Brandybuck: (After each snore) Ham.
(Then we see Rippin Took sleeping as we, looking a bit angry in her bed)
Rippin Took: (Talking in her sleep) No, mom! I don't wanta mow the lawn today! Make Ted do it!
(Then we see Kram Gamgee sleeping, a content smile upon her face as she talks in her sleep)
Kram Gamgee: I'm-too sexy-for my clippers, too sexy-for my clippers, too sexy-for my clippers-
(The camera zones out and shows the room where the hobbits are staying. Then, we see the Phone Solicitors with their swords raised, ready to kill)
Adelphia: (In front and in a hissing voice) Sprint! Verizon! Take those beds! We'll take these ones!
AT&T: (In the back, and in a normal, nervous sounding voice) Uh, Adelphia? I was just thinking-since we're not really getting anything out of this- maybe we should just go away and not kill the hobbits?
Adelphia: (In a normal, angry voice) You know what, AT&T? I'm gettin' really tired of your crap!
Sprint: (In an agitated voice) Yeah, AT&T! Why must you ruin everything for us?
Verizon: (Also angry) Yeah! Like last year, when we were gonna get out of health checks, but you reminded them! I found out I had type two diabetes because of you! (Suddenly draws out blood tester) Oh yeah! I have to check my blood sugar.
Adelphia: (Very angry at this turn out) Can we just get this over with? I've got movie rental due back before eleven!
(Quietly, the Phone Solicitors move towards the beds. We see Sprint lift up his sword gracefully)
Sprint: (In a feminine type voice) Okay, guys! All in sync!
Verizon: (Looks at AT&T, whose next to him) Okay, that's the last time we send Sprint to choreography camp!
AT&T: (In a whisper) Ditto.
(The Phone Solicitors raise their swords silently, and-at the same time- they plunge their swords into the beds. They do this repeatedly, silently. We then see Jimagorn looking out of the window, touching his chest, from across the street. He watches apprehensively. Then, Sprint grabs the covers and pulls them back. He starts screaming and hissing as he finds nothing but pillows and feathers under there)
Sprint: (Hissing) The hobbits have turned into feathers!
AT&T: (Turning down the covers of the bed he's at and discovering the same thing) No, you idiot! We've-been-fooled!
(They start hissing in pure anger, and we back across the street, where we see Jessie Brandybuck, Rippin Took, and Kram Gamgee all sitting up in the same bed. They are looking out of the window in fear-hearing what has just happened)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Nervously putting on her glasses) What the hell is that?
Rippin Took: (Sounding confused) I don't know. At first I thought it was Kram snoring but-I don't know.
Kram Gamgee: (Giving Rippin Took a dirty look) What? Don't even get me started on what sounds are made by whom, Rippin!
(The camera then shows Lizzo Baggins sitting on the edge of the bed and looking nervously at Jimagorn)
Lizzo Baggins: (Nervously) What are they?
Jimagorn: (Looks at Lizzo Baggins and gives a grim smile) They used to be Men. Great kings, actually. But then the Dark Lord, Jauron, presented them nine action movies of power, and they took them without thought- blinded by their greed. (Looks out of the window at the Phone Solicitors coming out of inn) They were no longer who they were anymore-their movies had changed them greatly. Now, they are a more horrible force than anything in this world.
Lizzo Baggins: (Her eyes going wide in fear) You-You don't mean-!
Jimagorn: (Quite smoothly) Yes, Lizzo. (Camera closes in about his face as he says the name) Phone solicitors.
(The hobbits gasp with fear, and Jimagorn looks out of the window as if nothing had been said. As he explains to the hobbits, we see the Phone Solicitors ride away from the town of Bree, and become scattered over the lands outside of it)
Jimagorn: They are an unspeakable force-neither living nor dead. They know no value of life-for they honestly do not have one. Their sole purpose is in aiding the Dark Lord, Jauron in Mordor. He has sent them to find the One Movie of Power and return it to him. They are tied to it-never ending their search for it. They will never stop hunting you.
(We see the Phone Solicitors riding out of Bree upon their bicycles, cycling heavily upon a worn path in the forest. Suddenly, Sprint, who is in the back, yells out for the rest to hear)
Sprint: (Awkwardly) Uh-guys! I need some help back here!
(We see Sprint struggling slightly, as he has his long robes stuck in the chain of the bicycle. Adelphia sounds very agitated as he gets off his bike and heads over to the other to help)
Adelphia: (Angrily) I don't understand why you don't just hem up your robes like the rest of us!
Sprint: (With dignity) Hey! Longer robes make me feel taller!
Adelphia: (Angrily) You don't need to be any taller than you already are, you nitwit! (Gets Sprint's robes from the chain and moves back to his horse)
Sprint: (In a whining voice) I don't understand why we don't all have horses! They had those in the original movie!
Adelphia: (In an awkward tone) We've been through this, Sprint-the movie crew's on a tight budget! (In a distinguishable whisper while making a slicing pattern over his neck) Drop it!
(We see the Phone Solicitors take off upon their bikes again. Suddenly we approach the next day, and Jimagorn is leading the hobbits into the forest. Jessie Brandybuck is behind them all, pulling on her traveling cloak angrily)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Agitated) Uh, guys! When I say I'm not ready, I'm usually not ready!
Lizzo Baggins: (Following Jimagorn at a fair distance) Where're you taking us?
Jimagorn: (With a fierce look upon his face) Into the wild!
Rippin Took: (Brightly) Las Vegas?
Jimagorn: (Looking behind him with a sneer) No! The forest, you dork!
(Rippin Took shuts her mouth, obviously upset at being called a, "dork". Kram Gamgee, runs up to Lizzo Baggins)
Kram Gamgee: (In a low tone, so Jimagorn won't hear) How do we know that this "Gazer" fellow is really a friend of Kendalf?
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at Jimagorn for a moment and whispers back to Kram Gamgee) Something tells me that a servant for the Dark Lord would be fairer in complexion, and Jimagorn isn't really the brightest coin in the chest- besides, he touches himself too much.
(At that moment, Jimagorn strokes his chest lovingly. Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee sneer and shudder)
Kram Gamgee: (Still whispering) Yeah, well-where's this Gazer taking us?
Jimagorn: (In a blank tone) Rivendell, Miss Gamgee. That's right, I can hear you.
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking at Rippin Took with an excited look) You hear that, Rippin? We're going to go see the Elves!
Rippin Took: (Looks excited as well) Wow! Maybe they'll give us candy canes and presents!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Looks at Rippin Took for a while and angrily exclaims) You idiot, Rippin! Those are Christmas Elves!
Rippin Took: (Sounding disappointed) AWE, MAN!
(The camera zooms out and we see the hobbits and the Man traveling at a distance along the forested area. Then, we go up and see Jimagorn taking a leaf off the tree and sniffing it strongly. Lizzo Baggins stops behind him and watches him with raised eyebrows. He lets out a breath of relief)
Lizzo Baggins: (Awkwardly) Er-what exactly was that for?
Jimagorn: (Turns around and shrugs) I like the smell of leaves!
Lizzo Baggins: (Looking off to the side) Uh, okay-I guess.
(We suddenly hear a bustling behind Lizzo Baggins and Jimagorn. The camera shows Rippin Took, Kram Gamgee, and Jessie Brandybuck opening up Kram Gamgee's cooking supplies' bag and start getting items out)
Jimagorn: (Shouting towards them, with an amused expression upon his face) Ladies! We do not stop until nightfall.
(Rippin Took, Kram Gamgee, and Jessie Brandybuck looked outraged)
Rippin Took: (Hysterically) But what about breakfast?
Jimagorn: (With a frown upon his face) You-already had it.
Rippin Took: (Rolling her eyes) Well we had one, yes. But what about second breakfast, hmm? (Puts up two fingers with an intelligent look upon her face)
Jimagorn: (Laughing as he turns around and continues through the forest) Second breakfast! Ha! Second-that's so-HA! You hobbits crack me up.
(Rippin Took looks a bit angry that Jimagorn laughed at her, but Jessie Brandybuck puts a hand on her shoulder as Kram Gamgee sadly puts away the frying pans)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Quietly) Uh-I don't think he's heard of second breakfast, Rip.
(Jessie Brandybuck begins to walk away, but Rippin Took looks very shocked as she runs up to her friend)
Rippin Took: (Desperately) What about elevenes? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? Brunch? (Turns Jessie Brandybuck around so she can face her) Tell me he's heard of brunch!
Jessie Brandybuck: (Shaking her head) I wouldn't count on it.
(Suddenly an apple is thrown by Jimagorn, and Rippin Took catches it with a stunned look upon her face. She scolds down at the apple)
Rippin Took: (To Kram Gamgee, who is passing by) Is this supposed to be second breakfast?
Kram Gamgee: (Putting a hand on Rippin Took's shoulder) Nope-it's supposed to be a snack; and something to make you shut up. (Pats Rippin Took on the shoulder briskly and keeps walking)
Rippin Took: (Looking down at the apple angrily) WEAK!
(We see them traveling through stinking bogs, the hobbits slapping their faces as mosquitoes bite them. Then, later that night, we see Jimagorn come towards where they're camping, lugging a dead deer over his shoulders. Jessie Brandybuck and Rippin Took, who are tending the fire, look at Jimagorn with surprise at his prize)
Jessie Brandybuck: (Really surprised) Wow, Jimagorn! I didn't know you could hunt game!
(Jimagorn puts the dead deer down and Jessie Brandybuck studies it intently)
Jimagorn: (Rubbing his hands) Yeah, convenient, eh? I found this dead next to the sewage plant.
(We see Jessie Brandybuck coil away from the deer and Rippin Took wrinkle her nose in distaste. We go forward, to see Lizzo Baggins, sleeping next to Rippin Took, and having a horrible time sleeping, tossing and turning in her cloak. Jimagorn has his back to her and is keeping watch)
Jimagorn: (Calmly) Try and get some rest, Lizzo. We have a big journey ahead of us.
Lizzo Baggins: (Frustrated, she sits up) I can't sleep! It's cold! It's wet! The ground's hard! And that smell is enough to drive me nuts!
Jimagorn: (Calmly) Then move away from Rippin.
Lizzo Baggins: (Looks at the sleeping form of Rippin Took and nods in understanding) Oh!
