OK, here it is. The exciting conclusion. Even though the excitement was
over last chapter. Pretend this is exciting, too. Or something.
Disclaimers are still in the first chapter.
~*~ The Moral of the Story ~*~
"So, Naruto," Iruka said. He and his former student were sitting side by side in the Ichiraku ramen bar, slurping down mouthfuls of their specialty pork ramen. Naruto noisily sucked a noodle into his mouth and turned to face his teacher.
"Yeah, Iruka-sensei?" he said. His voice, previously a low soprano, was back to his usual tenor, and Naruto couldn't be happier.
"What have you learned from all this?" Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Aww, Iruka-sensei!"
"Despite what you think, it's not a stupid question," Iruka insisted, looking Naruto straight in the eye. "It's important to learn from our mistakes so that we don't make them again. I mean, if the Hokage hadn't shown up in the nick of time, the entire village could have been lost."
"Yeah, good idea to go get her directly instead of Shizune."
"Though I do feel bad about what happened to Kotestu after that."
"Yeah, I'd hate to have sand permanently embedded in my--"
"Naruto, don't change the subject."
"OK, OK," Naruto said. "What I learned was... I hate being pregnant."
"That's a good start. Go on."
"I'm never getting pregnant again."
"Mmhm."
"Because being pregnant is icky."
"That's right."
"And I'm a boy, so it's impossible now," Naruto said, patting his thankfully-flat chest. "Being a girl was kinda neat for a while, but I like being my usual self better. And there was something else..."
"I like you better like that too. Good thing you changed back after Hokage-sama resealed the Demon Fox."
"Thanks, Iruka-sensei, now I remember. If I get pregnant, there's something seriously wrong going on."
"Right."
"Because only girls can get pregnant, and they're cool so they can do it better."
"Ah, sure."
"And that bastard Sasuke wouldn't have hung around."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Well, I get the feeling he had something else up his sleeve, you know? Like, he wouldn't have stayed just because I was having his, um, child."
"Well, given how young you are, it did seem a little strange that he didn't just run off, like most guys that age do. Then again, Sasuke's not your ordinary guy."
"Nope. He's a bastard."
"Naruto..."
"OK, OK. Lessee... basically, I just don't ever wanna be pregnant again."
"You already said that."
"Well, I really, really mean it! I hate it! I mean, I'm not a girl, even if I look like one sometimes, so this whole thing shouldn't have even happened in the first place!"
"Exactly. So the moral of the story is?"
Naruto beamed as he gulped down the last of his ramen. "Don't play pranks on the Hokage?"
"Naruto!"
~*~ And now, a public service announcement ~*~
First of all, this was a parody. And I'm sorry, but I think that should've been obvious. Every time Sasuke had a chapter, it rained. That should've been a clue. There are other clues scattered around, but if you didn't get that this was a parody until just now, you probably missed them.
So, why did I write this? Because I hate mpreg with a burning passion. Let's face it, folks, men can't get pregnant. In fact, I hate the very concept of mpreg so much, I couldn't even leave Naruto male for this fic. If it were physically possible, I'd say sure, go for it. *But it's not.*
Why do yaoi writers always want to make male characters pregnant anyways? If you want to write a fic in which your characters experience all the joys a heterosexual couple can, write a heterosexual couple. Gay and lesbian couples have their own joys, but one partner impregnating the other is not one of them. To turn one into the "man" and the other into the "woman," as invariably happens in mpreg (and most yaoi and yuri too) forces them out of character and makes for the same old boring fic again and again. If you're gonna write male/male or female/female, *write them both as men/women.* Transsexual characters are a bit more complex, but that's not relevant right now.
If you'll notice, Naruto consistently became more and more out-of-character the farther along it went. He started acting less like Naruto and more like fanfiction!Naruto, who, you guessed it, I also hate with a burning passion. Naruto isn't a fifteen-year-old girl. And he's most certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl straight out of a Lifetime movie.
Speaking of Lifetime movies, I also hate those with a burning passion. They're unrealistic and overly dramatic, glorify teenage pregnancy and make me cringe in general. In fact, the spark for this fic came from an epiphany. I realized I could parody Lifetime movies (especially "OMG I'm sixteen and pregnant!" movies), mpreg, and bad Naruto fanfiction, all in one! So I wrote this.
Even if you didn't get the joke until just now, I hope you enjoyed the fic. I certainly enjoyed writing it, despite squicking myself countless times.
Ah, hell. If I'm parodying Lifetime movies, I've gotta stay true to form, right? So here's the epilogue, which will explain what happened to each character after the events in this fic.
~*~ Epilogue: Where Are They Now? ~*~
Sasuke subtly pursued Naruto for a few more months until he realized that Naruto was about as observant as a big pile of rocks and would never pick up on it by himself. He tearfully confessed his feelings to his teammate, then went off and sulked. In the rain.
Sakura eventually got over her Sasuke-obsession and started dating Lee. Though he lost his eyebrows in a tragic stir-fry accident, they continued their relationship for many long, eventful years.
The Monthly Jounin Bitch Session became a Leaf Village tradition, moderated by Gai until the day he lost his teeth. Deprived of his glint, he spent days on end sitting on his porch and encouraging passerbys with anecdotes from his younger days. He was occasionally visited by his old rival Kakashi who, though he didn't do much aside from read his porn, greatly warmed Gai's heart with his presence.
After recovering from her heartbreak with Naruto, Hinata sought out Jiraiya for pimp lessons. She currently ghostwrites the "Come Come" series for the Ero-sennin, with Shino and Kiba as her man-slaves. They don't mind.
Shikamaru and Ino married at the age of eighteen, and he remains her bitch to this day.
Tsunade eventually revealed to the village that her lieutenant, Shizune, was in fact her lover. No one cared, though, because if they did Tsunade would beat their asses and send them through a slot machine.
Chouji slimmed down, shaped up and replaced Sasuke as the village heartthrob. After having flings with all the girls in Leaf Village, he married TenTen, and they were very happy together despite the complete randomness of their love.
Neji took over the Hyuuga family business. Just what that business was... he could tell you, but then he'd have to kill you.
Iruka continued teaching and researching new techniques. His big claim to fame was the development of "Baking no Jutsu," a special jutsu that summons cookies, any kind, a dozen at a time. Other, more minor accomplishments include "Dusting no Jutsu," which removes all allergens from an area, and "Goddamnit-Come-Back-Here no Jutsu," for catching wayward students.
Haku continued to star in many flashbacks over the years. Eventually, his work earned him enough money to buy Zabuza out of hell, and they settled down together somewhere in the Earth Country. Despite the strong homophobia present in the area, they led a life together without discrimination, because everyone still thought Haku was a woman.
Gaara taught basic ninja techniques at the Hidden Sand Village Academy for several years, until an unfortunate experience with a Mary Sue reminded him of exactly why he'd turned evil in the first place. He now kills people for fun and profit.
And, because the author likes SasuNaru and wants a happy ending, after Sasuke ran off (in the rain), Naruto ran after him, and as they kissed the sun came out and birds sung and flowers bloomed and everything was peachy- keen until Sasuke wanted kids. Then Naruto dumped him, until Sasuke promised that he would be the one to get pregnant this time. Unfortunately, they never quite figured out how to make this happen. So they adopted. Aww.
~*~ The End ~*~
Disclaimers are still in the first chapter.
~*~ The Moral of the Story ~*~
"So, Naruto," Iruka said. He and his former student were sitting side by side in the Ichiraku ramen bar, slurping down mouthfuls of their specialty pork ramen. Naruto noisily sucked a noodle into his mouth and turned to face his teacher.
"Yeah, Iruka-sensei?" he said. His voice, previously a low soprano, was back to his usual tenor, and Naruto couldn't be happier.
"What have you learned from all this?" Naruto rolled his eyes.
"Aww, Iruka-sensei!"
"Despite what you think, it's not a stupid question," Iruka insisted, looking Naruto straight in the eye. "It's important to learn from our mistakes so that we don't make them again. I mean, if the Hokage hadn't shown up in the nick of time, the entire village could have been lost."
"Yeah, good idea to go get her directly instead of Shizune."
"Though I do feel bad about what happened to Kotestu after that."
"Yeah, I'd hate to have sand permanently embedded in my--"
"Naruto, don't change the subject."
"OK, OK," Naruto said. "What I learned was... I hate being pregnant."
"That's a good start. Go on."
"I'm never getting pregnant again."
"Mmhm."
"Because being pregnant is icky."
"That's right."
"And I'm a boy, so it's impossible now," Naruto said, patting his thankfully-flat chest. "Being a girl was kinda neat for a while, but I like being my usual self better. And there was something else..."
"I like you better like that too. Good thing you changed back after Hokage-sama resealed the Demon Fox."
"Thanks, Iruka-sensei, now I remember. If I get pregnant, there's something seriously wrong going on."
"Right."
"Because only girls can get pregnant, and they're cool so they can do it better."
"Ah, sure."
"And that bastard Sasuke wouldn't have hung around."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Well, I get the feeling he had something else up his sleeve, you know? Like, he wouldn't have stayed just because I was having his, um, child."
"Well, given how young you are, it did seem a little strange that he didn't just run off, like most guys that age do. Then again, Sasuke's not your ordinary guy."
"Nope. He's a bastard."
"Naruto..."
"OK, OK. Lessee... basically, I just don't ever wanna be pregnant again."
"You already said that."
"Well, I really, really mean it! I hate it! I mean, I'm not a girl, even if I look like one sometimes, so this whole thing shouldn't have even happened in the first place!"
"Exactly. So the moral of the story is?"
Naruto beamed as he gulped down the last of his ramen. "Don't play pranks on the Hokage?"
"Naruto!"
~*~ And now, a public service announcement ~*~
First of all, this was a parody. And I'm sorry, but I think that should've been obvious. Every time Sasuke had a chapter, it rained. That should've been a clue. There are other clues scattered around, but if you didn't get that this was a parody until just now, you probably missed them.
So, why did I write this? Because I hate mpreg with a burning passion. Let's face it, folks, men can't get pregnant. In fact, I hate the very concept of mpreg so much, I couldn't even leave Naruto male for this fic. If it were physically possible, I'd say sure, go for it. *But it's not.*
Why do yaoi writers always want to make male characters pregnant anyways? If you want to write a fic in which your characters experience all the joys a heterosexual couple can, write a heterosexual couple. Gay and lesbian couples have their own joys, but one partner impregnating the other is not one of them. To turn one into the "man" and the other into the "woman," as invariably happens in mpreg (and most yaoi and yuri too) forces them out of character and makes for the same old boring fic again and again. If you're gonna write male/male or female/female, *write them both as men/women.* Transsexual characters are a bit more complex, but that's not relevant right now.
If you'll notice, Naruto consistently became more and more out-of-character the farther along it went. He started acting less like Naruto and more like fanfiction!Naruto, who, you guessed it, I also hate with a burning passion. Naruto isn't a fifteen-year-old girl. And he's most certainly not a fifteen-year-old girl straight out of a Lifetime movie.
Speaking of Lifetime movies, I also hate those with a burning passion. They're unrealistic and overly dramatic, glorify teenage pregnancy and make me cringe in general. In fact, the spark for this fic came from an epiphany. I realized I could parody Lifetime movies (especially "OMG I'm sixteen and pregnant!" movies), mpreg, and bad Naruto fanfiction, all in one! So I wrote this.
Even if you didn't get the joke until just now, I hope you enjoyed the fic. I certainly enjoyed writing it, despite squicking myself countless times.
Ah, hell. If I'm parodying Lifetime movies, I've gotta stay true to form, right? So here's the epilogue, which will explain what happened to each character after the events in this fic.
~*~ Epilogue: Where Are They Now? ~*~
Sasuke subtly pursued Naruto for a few more months until he realized that Naruto was about as observant as a big pile of rocks and would never pick up on it by himself. He tearfully confessed his feelings to his teammate, then went off and sulked. In the rain.
Sakura eventually got over her Sasuke-obsession and started dating Lee. Though he lost his eyebrows in a tragic stir-fry accident, they continued their relationship for many long, eventful years.
The Monthly Jounin Bitch Session became a Leaf Village tradition, moderated by Gai until the day he lost his teeth. Deprived of his glint, he spent days on end sitting on his porch and encouraging passerbys with anecdotes from his younger days. He was occasionally visited by his old rival Kakashi who, though he didn't do much aside from read his porn, greatly warmed Gai's heart with his presence.
After recovering from her heartbreak with Naruto, Hinata sought out Jiraiya for pimp lessons. She currently ghostwrites the "Come Come" series for the Ero-sennin, with Shino and Kiba as her man-slaves. They don't mind.
Shikamaru and Ino married at the age of eighteen, and he remains her bitch to this day.
Tsunade eventually revealed to the village that her lieutenant, Shizune, was in fact her lover. No one cared, though, because if they did Tsunade would beat their asses and send them through a slot machine.
Chouji slimmed down, shaped up and replaced Sasuke as the village heartthrob. After having flings with all the girls in Leaf Village, he married TenTen, and they were very happy together despite the complete randomness of their love.
Neji took over the Hyuuga family business. Just what that business was... he could tell you, but then he'd have to kill you.
Iruka continued teaching and researching new techniques. His big claim to fame was the development of "Baking no Jutsu," a special jutsu that summons cookies, any kind, a dozen at a time. Other, more minor accomplishments include "Dusting no Jutsu," which removes all allergens from an area, and "Goddamnit-Come-Back-Here no Jutsu," for catching wayward students.
Haku continued to star in many flashbacks over the years. Eventually, his work earned him enough money to buy Zabuza out of hell, and they settled down together somewhere in the Earth Country. Despite the strong homophobia present in the area, they led a life together without discrimination, because everyone still thought Haku was a woman.
Gaara taught basic ninja techniques at the Hidden Sand Village Academy for several years, until an unfortunate experience with a Mary Sue reminded him of exactly why he'd turned evil in the first place. He now kills people for fun and profit.
And, because the author likes SasuNaru and wants a happy ending, after Sasuke ran off (in the rain), Naruto ran after him, and as they kissed the sun came out and birds sung and flowers bloomed and everything was peachy- keen until Sasuke wanted kids. Then Naruto dumped him, until Sasuke promised that he would be the one to get pregnant this time. Unfortunately, they never quite figured out how to make this happen. So they adopted. Aww.
~*~ The End ~*~
