Scene Twenty-Two

(We now see Lizzo Baggins standing on the edge of the shore, in front of a boat. She is lost in her thoughts-wondering what she must do and where she must go. She holds the Movie within her palm)

Lizzo Baggins: (In a far-off voice) I've been standing here for two whole hours-and I still don't know what the hell I'm going to do.

(Then, we suddenly see Kram Gamgee running through the forest and shouting)

Kram Gamgee: (Shouting worriedly) LIZZO! LIZZO!

(We go back to Lizzo Baggins on the shore, and we hear Kram Gamgee shouting from a distance. The camera closes in about the Movie in her palm, then goes back up to Lizzo Baggins' face as she remembers something)

Voice of Lizzo Baggins: I wish the Movie had never come to me! I wish none of this had happened!

Voice of Kendalf: (We go in on his face as he says his thing) So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All that you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you. (Slightly frustrated as he speaks next) There, I changed it so that it will be more for your liking! You know what you have to do, so get out there and do it! Stop being the pansy that Milbo was and actually do something with your life! And don't remember my philosophies again unless they're really important! This mist is hell on my complexion! Gees! Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't care how I look in public!

(We see Lizzo Baggins' face again, streaked with tears-she knows what she must do. With a gulp, we see her put the Movie in her chest pocket, pushes the boat out into the river, and jumps in. Just as she's well away from the shore, Kram Gamgee runs onto the shore)

Kram Gamgee: (Looking crestfallen at her master going away) LIZZO!

Lizzo Baggins: (To herself, rowing towards the other shore) No, Kram. Just ignore her, Lizzo. Just ignore her.

Kram Gamgee: (Shouting very loudly) LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOO!

(Lizzo Baggins scrunches up her face, but doesn't turn back. We see Kram Gamgee run into the water after the boat)

Lizzo Baggins: (Turning around to face Kram Gamgee, tears in her eyes, and speaking rather firmly) Go back, Kram! I'm going to Mordor alone!

Kram Gamgee: (Wading in the water, which is now waist deep, and shouting) Sure you are! And I'm going with you!

Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) That doesn't even make sense, you ninny! (As Kram Gamgee keeps coming towards her, she says desperately) Kram, you can't swim!

Kram Gamgee: (Indignantly) I can dog paddle!

(Kram Gamgee begins to dog paddle towards the boat, but it doesn't seem to be working as well as she would've hoped. She yelps as she begins to sink)

Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting) Kram! (Angrily, turning the boat around to go back) Damn it, Kram! Now I gotta turn around and save your butt!

(Kram Gamgee is waving her arms about frantically, trying to resurface, but only sinking further. With a muffled shout, she goes under. We close up on Lizzo Baggins, who is leaning off the boat with fear in her eyes)

Lizzo Baggins: (Shouting fearfully) KRAM! KRAM!

(We get an underwater view of Kram Gamgee struggling to get back to the surface-to breathe air once more. But after a moment of trying and trying, nothing seems to work. We see Kram Gamgee's eyes begin to droop slowly, and we close in on her hand, which is the only thing that is near the surface. Then, we see Lizzo Baggins' hand plunge into the water and grasp Kram Gamgee's. Kram Gamgee grasps it, and then we see Lizzo Baggins pulling Kram Gamgee onto the boat)

Lizzo Baggins: (Frantically) It's all right, Kram! I've got you!

(But both hobbits let out a shriek as the boat capsizes and they go under. After about five seconds, Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee make it to the surface, clutching to the capsized boat while they catch their breath)

Kram Gamgee: (Choking on water) Lizzo-I didn't know-you were God!

Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) I'm not, you ninny!

Kram Gamgee: (In a simple tone) I guess that makes more sense.

Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) Kram, you big moron! You could have gotten us killed! What the devil were you thinking? (Looks at Kram Gamgee for a moment with concern upon her face) Why would you do something like that?

Kram Gamgee: (Sniffing, and speaking with dignity, tears streaming down her face) Because I made a promise, Lizzo! A promise! "Don't you leave her, Kramwise Gamgee!" And I don't mean to-because even though he's dead, Kendalf still scares the crap out of me! (Begins sobbing)

Lizzo Baggins: (Tears coming down her face and her lip trembling) Oh-Kram!

(Lizzo Baggins pulls Kram Gamgee into a tight, one-armed embrace. There is nothing said, just tears wept. Lizzo Baggins realizes it: she cannot leave her friend behind so cold-heartily. Lizzo Baggins pulls Kram Gamgee away from her to look into her eyes)

Lizzo Baggins: (In a hurried tone) Come on! Help get this boat right side up, then grab an oar and paddle to the other shore!

Kram Gamgee: (With a small scowl) Uh-I just got rescued from drowning; I'll have you know!

Lizzo Baggins: (Gives Kram Gamgee an irritated look) Just paddle, you nitwit!

(We see them paddle off from where they were towards the eastern shore. Then, we see Mikomir lying in an empty boat. The arrows have been taken from his body, and he clutches the sword across his chest. We go to the western shore, where Megolas, Brimli, and Jimagorn watch the boat go down the river towards the massive waterfall of Rauros)

Brimli: (Singing her respects in a great, preacher-like way) Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me! I once-

Jimagorn: (Interrupts her and speaks in a respectable tone) Uh, Brimli, maybe you'd best sing his son. You know, the one he loved so.

Brimli: (Wrinkling her nose) Jimagorn, I don't think-!

Jimagorn: (In a stern tone) He would have wanted it, Brimli!

Brimli: (Sighing angrily and singing rather flatly and gruffly) Up against the wall, Redneck Mother-

Jimagorn: (A smile upon his face and shouting) Louder, Brimli! Louder!

Brimli: (Practically shouting) MOTHER, WHO KNEW US ALL SO WELL-!

(We suddenly see the boat carrying Mikomir go off the waterfall, and we hear him shout from a distance)

Mikomir: I'm not dead yet! (As the boat vanishes within the mist and foam produced the waterfall, there is a sickening crunch and we hear him groan) Now I am!

(We see Megolas taking a boat and putting it in the water)

Megolas: (In an excited tone) Hurry! Lizzo and Kram have reached the eastern shore! (Looks to see Jimagorn look towards the eastern shore grimly. Her face falls) You mean not to go after them?

Jimagorn: (Simply) Lizzo's fate-is no longer in our hands.

Brimli: (Running up the edge of the shore) Wait! I'll get trailer-park mother on them! (Shouting towards the eastern shore) GIT YOUR BUTT BACK ON THIS SHORE! GIT YOUR BUTT-DON' YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, GIRL! GIT YOUR BUTT-I MEAN IT! GIT YOUR BUTT BACK ON THIS SHORE! I SWEAR I'LL HAVE YOUR BUTTS ON A PLATTER IF YOU TWO DON'T GIT OVER HERE BY THE COUNT OF THREE! DON'T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE!

(We see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee, head into the forest on the eastern shore. They look back)

Kram Gamgee: (In an awkward tone) Should we go back?

Lizzo Baggins: (Looking at Kram Gamgee with wide eyes) I find that very annoying! Why would I want to go back?

(We go back to Megolas, Brimli, and Jimagorn on the western shore)

Brimli: (Shouting still) DON'T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME WHEN YOU KNOW I'M TALKIN' TO YOU, GIRL! GIRL! GIRL! GIT YOUR BUTT-!

Megolas: (Angrily getting up and snapping at Brimli) Oh, would you quit it? You're pissing me off!

Jimagorn: (In a simple tone) Besides-they are not coming back.

Brimli: (Coming from the shore and speaking grimly) Then it has all been in vain. The fellowship has failed. (Sits upon the earth roughly) We suck! I blame it on Megolas!

(Megolas frowns at Brimli, but Jimagorn goes over to both of them, places a hand on each of their shoulders, and smiles)

Jimagorn: (Proudly) Not if we hold true to one another.

(We see Brimli and Megolas smile at Jimagorn)

Jimagorn: (In the same proud tone) We will not leave Jessie and Rippin to torment and torture.

Megolas: (Her face falling) We won't? Awe-but those are the jinxed ones!

Jimagorn: (Rather incredulously) They're hobbits, nonetheless, Megolas! (Sheathing the dagger) We travel light and proceed on foot. (Looks at Megolas and Brimli with a mischievous smile) Let's hunt some Orc!

(Jimagorn plunges into the forest, heading right. Megolas and Brimli look at one another)

Megolas: (In a rather hopeless tone) I'm taking in the fact that we don't really have a choice, here?

Brimli: (Nodding) I was thinking that too.

(They're about to follow him, but then Jimagorn runs out from the forest)

Jimagorn: (Pointing proudly to the left) I just remembered it's this way!

Megolas & Brimli: (Triumphantly) YEAH! THAT WAY! (Both point to the left)

(We see Megolas, Brimli, and Jimagorn run into the woods, entering from the left. Then, we see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee standing upon the highest point of Emyn Muil. Below them, a rocky mess looms dangerously. And in the distance-glowing red and with forbidding-is Mordor)

Kram Gamgee: (With a loathing in her voice) Mordor.

(We close in about their faces as they look towards the distance)

Lizzo Baggins: (In a grim tone) I hope the others find a safer route.

Kram Gamgee: (Reassuringly) Gazer will look after them.

Lizzo Baggins: (After a moment of silence) I don't suppose we'll ever see them again.

Kram Gamgee: (With a shrug) We may, Miss Lizzo. We may. (Her face suddenly snaps into a look of realization) Uh, wait a moment-Jessie and Rippin were still with them, weren't they?

Lizzo Baggins: (Her eyes widening) Yes-well it was nice knowing them. (She looks in the distance for a long moment-only thinking about what lays ahead. Finally she speaks in a friendly tone and turns to Kram Gamgee) Kram-you're as dumb as a mule and half as ugly.

Kram Gamgee: (Looking offended) Hey!

Lizzo Baggins: (With a smile) But I'm glad you're with me.

Kram Gamgee: (With a smile) Oh! Me too, Miss Lizzo.

Lizzo Baggins: (Looking towards the distance with a grim smile) Well, it's going to be a short journey from here now.

(We see Lizzo Baggins and Kram Gamgee begin to go down into Emyn Muil, and the camera zooms out to see them going down at a distance)

Kram Gamgee: (In a rather awkward voice) Uh, Miss Lizzo, I don't mean to be a bother, but I've gotta go to the bathroom again.

Lizzo Baggins: (Sounding a bit annoyed) Or-it could be longer than I thought.

(We black out and see the credits)

The End.