"That was fucking odd," said Cid, "No AVALANCHE member would ever die that easily!"
"This is YUFFIE we're talkin' about here!" said Barret, "and you're sayin' no-one dies that easily? Whatever."
"Well don't look at me!" said Sephiroth, "I was in the hotel room with Cloud and Red or whatever. I forgot."
"I'm just saying that this is no mere coincidence," said Cid, "but then again, she could've been plotting something. A Materia raid?"
"Don't say that!" Tifa said angrily, "Yuffie is our friend! Well, was, anyway. But that's no kind of thing to say when someone just died anyway!"
"I'm just outlining all the possibilities here, Tifa. For all we know she could've been just buying us all huge presents or someth-"
"Cid!"
It was raining at Nibelheim, and they were all staying at Tifa's place, which everyone found rather boring.
They spent hours playing card games and watching Barret and Cid arguing over the remote, when suddenly the rain started to pour twice as hard as it already had. When the water started seeping underneath the door they grabbed some old sandbags ***(Don't ask me why there was sandbags in Tifa's house)*** and started covering up the door. It worked pretty well.
All that night everyone could barely sleep, because there was a constant creaking noise.
"All right, will somebody PLEASE check that out?" Tifa finally said.
"Who votes Cloud does it?" asked Sephiroth, "all in favour say 'I'."
Everyone said 'I', including Cloud, who later wondered WHY he said it, but then Cait Sith did some thinking.
"Ya know what? I'll do it. Even if there's a monster or something up there, I can't die."
And that's how Cait Sith ended up going up the stairs, into Tifa's room and closing her window.
The relief was enormous, and Cait Sith got to tease the others for being such wimps.
And they all got a good night's sleep. Well, sort of...
"Bats, no, BATS!"
"What the Hell?" said Barret.
"Cid, look out!" screeched Red.
"Red, there's nothing here," said Tifa, "wake up."
And Red did wake up.
"Cid, you've gotta look out for bats, okay?"
"What the Hell are you talking about?" asked Cid.
"I think... you're in trouble. Just stay away from bats for a while."
"Too easy," said Cid.
"Look, Red, there's a special place we can take you. I know some people that can help you with this sort of problem," said Sephiroth jokingly.
"You should've taken a trip there 5 years ago then!" said Red XIII.
"Huh? Who told you about that?" asked Sephiroth, a few seconds later, realising and glaring at Cloud.
"Well," said Tifa, walking towards the door, "might as well go outside and get some fresh air then."
"Good idea," said Red XIII, following.
They pulled all of the heavy, damp sandbags off of the front door and heaved them all into a corner, and Tifa opened the door.
"WHOA!" somebody yelled as a tidal wave of dirty water flooded into the room. They were up to their knees in it. Next thing, a small black figure flew into the room.
"Hey, look," said Cloud, "It's a bat."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Cid screeched and next thing, he was already in the Highwind waiting to take off.
A few minutes later everybody else arrived.
"Cid, there's something I have to tell you," said Red XIII.
"Not now, we need to take off immediately."
"Then's let's make for Cosmo Canyon then!" said Red, "I think I need to speak with Grandpa."
"Okay," said Cid, "Here, I'm leaving you in charge," he said to one of the trainee pilots, "I got some thinking to do."
Cid headed for the operation room.
"Bats," Cid said to himself, "How could some harmless creatures like that want to kill me? What did I ever do to them, huh? Uhhh...besides the ones in Shin-Ra Mansion, of course, ... no, wait, that's it!"
"Are you talking to yourself, Cid?" Tifa asked as she stepped into the room.
"Yeah, I just came up with something," Cid replied.
"Hmmm?"
"The only bats we could ever say we hurt are in Shin-Ra Mansion, right?"
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with-"
"Well," Cid interrupted, afraid he might forget his ingenious but simple plan, "stay away from Shin-Ra Mansion!"
If this were an Anime scene Tifa would've fallen over and sweatdropped.
"They'll be out for revenge right, but they can't get too far, so, stay away from Nibelheim and they can't eat me!"
"What the heck..."
"Don't worry, it's completely foolproof!" said Cid staring out the window, when a black figure flew past. "AAH!"
"Cid, it was just a bird," said Tifa reassuringly.
"But how can you be so sure?" asked Cid suspiciously, whilst hiding behind a chair.
"It was like, this big!" said Tifa, stretching out her arms in the oppisite direction of each other. Just then, Sephiroth walked in.
"Sorry I scared you, Cid, I heard you screaming like a girl, I just decided to go for a quick fly. It is so boring here!" He sat on a chair, swivelled round, propped him feet up on the large table, and relaxed with his hands behind his head, acting as if he owned the place.
"Well, I'm in a better mood now!" said Cid as Red XIII walked in. "I'm gonna go find a soccer ball now, who's up for a game?"
"Cid...-" said Red.
"Great! Red XIII is in! I'll take it the rest of you are too!" said Cid happily, to Tifa and Sephiroth. Cid left the room.
"I don't feel like it," said Tifa to the others.
"I don't want to get up," said a comfortable Sephiroth.
"I have a bad feeling about this," added Red.
"Cid has a sports closet, you guys! He's got, like, everything!" said Cloud, who'd popped his head through the door, announced that, and headed for the deck with a golf club and some tennis balls.
At the sports closet, Cid was very aggrovated. Since they were in the Highwind, Cid had taken extra care installing racks that held everything steadily as to not make a mess. Cloud was right about Cid having everything, which meant he needed a lot of space for it all. Therefore, all the balls were in their racks on the wall, along and up the other wall was a large stack of cricket, softball, and baseball bats, tennis racquets, you name it, he had it all there. There was also a ladder to reach the higher stuff.
Cid had a golf club in his hand and was trying his hardest to knock a soccer ball down, as he had conveniently placed it very high up and he couldn't be bothered taking the ladder.
"And to think - I placed my favourite game equipment so high! Fucking great move that was!"
Red XIII was sprinting round the Highwind, searching for this 'sports closet'. Such a thing must've been to good to be true, he had thought, but he was wrong. He did not look where he was going around a corner and he crashed into an open door, which then slammed shut. Red and Tifa who had just also arrived could hear loud screams of pain, and huge clutters of sports equipment, as Cid had not realized what had just happened, turned around, and the golf club smahed into all that was in its path.
Tifa opened the door quickly to see if Cid was alright. He was fine; just covered in a large heap of wooden baseball bats.
"Tifa! Don't just stand there! Help get these fucking bats off of me! Huh...? Bats?"
"Cid, that's what I was trying to tell you!" said Red XIII. But it was too late; there was a loud creaking from above, something rolled off a shelf, went straight through Cid's head, and smashed everything that was in it's path.
Blood splattered everywhere; mainly all over Red and Tifa, but, everywhere. Tifa screamed in horror and disgust as she had to pull a large piece of Cid's brain out of her hair. They just stood there. Red started howling and Tifa bawling her eyes out, until everyone came to see what had happened. All Red XIII could say, was, "I told you so."
"Awright! That's two AVALANCHE members' deaths, in two days! This is no mere coincidence!" Barret was furious. AVALANCHE members weren't expendable, if you count out Yuffie. Nah, just kidding. AVALANCHE members, and all of them, definitely weren't expendable.
"Yes it is," said Cloud, not realising what was going on.
"Ummm, like, no, it is not a coincidence."
"I've got it!" said Cloud happily, "if you take out the first four and last four letters in coincidence, you spell Cid!"
Everyone could not believe Cloud would say that at a time such as this.
"Cloud," said Tifa, "we're discussing Cid and Yuffies' deaths here."
"Ooh, oops, sorry."
"Two down, eight of us left. Who will be next?" said Sephiroth in a mysterious voice.
"I forgot you were here, Sephiroth," said Tifa, "why are you here, anyway?"
Sephiroth shrugged his shoulders and said: "I dunno", like one of those bums who'd never been to school in their entire lives.
"Okay, so Red, I was too shocked at the time. What was that thing that actually killed Cid?" Tifa asked.
"Bats," replied Red, "baseball, bats."
Everyone gasped, and/or gaped at Red.
"It was a heavy metal one. No, Cloud, not the kind of music either."
Cloud was alrady humming his favourite heavy metal tune.
"So, you were right then, Red? About the bats, I mean. We should really get to Cosmo Canyon to see Bugenhagen," said Cloud, "oh no, wait, he's dead, I forgot."
"WHAT?!" yelled Red, "What kind of a sick joke is that to play on us at a time like this?! Don't you realise, that all of our lives are probably in jeopardy here?! And all you can say is that our only source of useful information, my Grandpa, is DEAD?! You oug-"
"Red-," Tifa interrupted, "Cloud's right. Bugenhagen...he's dead..."
"Not you too, Tifa! You're under the evil influence of Cloud, who is under the evil influence, of Sephiroth, right?"
"Actually, your grandfather IS dead," Sephiroth tried to advise him. Red clearly wasn't buying into the fact that Bugenhagen was dead, and had Cloud promise that he would not tell him right away, for obvious reasons such as this.
"Okay, so, if I go ask Vincent, Cait Sith, Aeris or whoever, they're gonna say he's dead too?"
"Yup," said Aeris.
"Fine, just fine! Play this sick joke on me! I don't care! I'll speak to him myself when we get there!"
"Uhh...we're not actually headed for there anymore...we're headed to...The Northern Crater. Seph and I had them change coarse as soon as you weren't in the room," said Cloud. Red made the smart move and didn't say anything. He just left the room. Later, any one of them could say they'd spotted Red XIII in the Chocobo room weeping his eyes out.
*********
That's chapter 2 for ya. If anyone out there is seeking revenge, save it for the reviews section, okay? I have no hatred against any of the Final Fantasy VII crew, I just wanted to write an original humorous story. Thanks for reading. If you liked it, review please, if you're pissed off, well, uhh...find your own way of seeking revenge anyways.
"This is YUFFIE we're talkin' about here!" said Barret, "and you're sayin' no-one dies that easily? Whatever."
"Well don't look at me!" said Sephiroth, "I was in the hotel room with Cloud and Red or whatever. I forgot."
"I'm just saying that this is no mere coincidence," said Cid, "but then again, she could've been plotting something. A Materia raid?"
"Don't say that!" Tifa said angrily, "Yuffie is our friend! Well, was, anyway. But that's no kind of thing to say when someone just died anyway!"
"I'm just outlining all the possibilities here, Tifa. For all we know she could've been just buying us all huge presents or someth-"
"Cid!"
It was raining at Nibelheim, and they were all staying at Tifa's place, which everyone found rather boring.
They spent hours playing card games and watching Barret and Cid arguing over the remote, when suddenly the rain started to pour twice as hard as it already had. When the water started seeping underneath the door they grabbed some old sandbags ***(Don't ask me why there was sandbags in Tifa's house)*** and started covering up the door. It worked pretty well.
All that night everyone could barely sleep, because there was a constant creaking noise.
"All right, will somebody PLEASE check that out?" Tifa finally said.
"Who votes Cloud does it?" asked Sephiroth, "all in favour say 'I'."
Everyone said 'I', including Cloud, who later wondered WHY he said it, but then Cait Sith did some thinking.
"Ya know what? I'll do it. Even if there's a monster or something up there, I can't die."
And that's how Cait Sith ended up going up the stairs, into Tifa's room and closing her window.
The relief was enormous, and Cait Sith got to tease the others for being such wimps.
And they all got a good night's sleep. Well, sort of...
"Bats, no, BATS!"
"What the Hell?" said Barret.
"Cid, look out!" screeched Red.
"Red, there's nothing here," said Tifa, "wake up."
And Red did wake up.
"Cid, you've gotta look out for bats, okay?"
"What the Hell are you talking about?" asked Cid.
"I think... you're in trouble. Just stay away from bats for a while."
"Too easy," said Cid.
"Look, Red, there's a special place we can take you. I know some people that can help you with this sort of problem," said Sephiroth jokingly.
"You should've taken a trip there 5 years ago then!" said Red XIII.
"Huh? Who told you about that?" asked Sephiroth, a few seconds later, realising and glaring at Cloud.
"Well," said Tifa, walking towards the door, "might as well go outside and get some fresh air then."
"Good idea," said Red XIII, following.
They pulled all of the heavy, damp sandbags off of the front door and heaved them all into a corner, and Tifa opened the door.
"WHOA!" somebody yelled as a tidal wave of dirty water flooded into the room. They were up to their knees in it. Next thing, a small black figure flew into the room.
"Hey, look," said Cloud, "It's a bat."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Cid screeched and next thing, he was already in the Highwind waiting to take off.
A few minutes later everybody else arrived.
"Cid, there's something I have to tell you," said Red XIII.
"Not now, we need to take off immediately."
"Then's let's make for Cosmo Canyon then!" said Red, "I think I need to speak with Grandpa."
"Okay," said Cid, "Here, I'm leaving you in charge," he said to one of the trainee pilots, "I got some thinking to do."
Cid headed for the operation room.
"Bats," Cid said to himself, "How could some harmless creatures like that want to kill me? What did I ever do to them, huh? Uhhh...besides the ones in Shin-Ra Mansion, of course, ... no, wait, that's it!"
"Are you talking to yourself, Cid?" Tifa asked as she stepped into the room.
"Yeah, I just came up with something," Cid replied.
"Hmmm?"
"The only bats we could ever say we hurt are in Shin-Ra Mansion, right?"
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with-"
"Well," Cid interrupted, afraid he might forget his ingenious but simple plan, "stay away from Shin-Ra Mansion!"
If this were an Anime scene Tifa would've fallen over and sweatdropped.
"They'll be out for revenge right, but they can't get too far, so, stay away from Nibelheim and they can't eat me!"
"What the heck..."
"Don't worry, it's completely foolproof!" said Cid staring out the window, when a black figure flew past. "AAH!"
"Cid, it was just a bird," said Tifa reassuringly.
"But how can you be so sure?" asked Cid suspiciously, whilst hiding behind a chair.
"It was like, this big!" said Tifa, stretching out her arms in the oppisite direction of each other. Just then, Sephiroth walked in.
"Sorry I scared you, Cid, I heard you screaming like a girl, I just decided to go for a quick fly. It is so boring here!" He sat on a chair, swivelled round, propped him feet up on the large table, and relaxed with his hands behind his head, acting as if he owned the place.
"Well, I'm in a better mood now!" said Cid as Red XIII walked in. "I'm gonna go find a soccer ball now, who's up for a game?"
"Cid...-" said Red.
"Great! Red XIII is in! I'll take it the rest of you are too!" said Cid happily, to Tifa and Sephiroth. Cid left the room.
"I don't feel like it," said Tifa to the others.
"I don't want to get up," said a comfortable Sephiroth.
"I have a bad feeling about this," added Red.
"Cid has a sports closet, you guys! He's got, like, everything!" said Cloud, who'd popped his head through the door, announced that, and headed for the deck with a golf club and some tennis balls.
At the sports closet, Cid was very aggrovated. Since they were in the Highwind, Cid had taken extra care installing racks that held everything steadily as to not make a mess. Cloud was right about Cid having everything, which meant he needed a lot of space for it all. Therefore, all the balls were in their racks on the wall, along and up the other wall was a large stack of cricket, softball, and baseball bats, tennis racquets, you name it, he had it all there. There was also a ladder to reach the higher stuff.
Cid had a golf club in his hand and was trying his hardest to knock a soccer ball down, as he had conveniently placed it very high up and he couldn't be bothered taking the ladder.
"And to think - I placed my favourite game equipment so high! Fucking great move that was!"
Red XIII was sprinting round the Highwind, searching for this 'sports closet'. Such a thing must've been to good to be true, he had thought, but he was wrong. He did not look where he was going around a corner and he crashed into an open door, which then slammed shut. Red and Tifa who had just also arrived could hear loud screams of pain, and huge clutters of sports equipment, as Cid had not realized what had just happened, turned around, and the golf club smahed into all that was in its path.
Tifa opened the door quickly to see if Cid was alright. He was fine; just covered in a large heap of wooden baseball bats.
"Tifa! Don't just stand there! Help get these fucking bats off of me! Huh...? Bats?"
"Cid, that's what I was trying to tell you!" said Red XIII. But it was too late; there was a loud creaking from above, something rolled off a shelf, went straight through Cid's head, and smashed everything that was in it's path.
Blood splattered everywhere; mainly all over Red and Tifa, but, everywhere. Tifa screamed in horror and disgust as she had to pull a large piece of Cid's brain out of her hair. They just stood there. Red started howling and Tifa bawling her eyes out, until everyone came to see what had happened. All Red XIII could say, was, "I told you so."
"Awright! That's two AVALANCHE members' deaths, in two days! This is no mere coincidence!" Barret was furious. AVALANCHE members weren't expendable, if you count out Yuffie. Nah, just kidding. AVALANCHE members, and all of them, definitely weren't expendable.
"Yes it is," said Cloud, not realising what was going on.
"Ummm, like, no, it is not a coincidence."
"I've got it!" said Cloud happily, "if you take out the first four and last four letters in coincidence, you spell Cid!"
Everyone could not believe Cloud would say that at a time such as this.
"Cloud," said Tifa, "we're discussing Cid and Yuffies' deaths here."
"Ooh, oops, sorry."
"Two down, eight of us left. Who will be next?" said Sephiroth in a mysterious voice.
"I forgot you were here, Sephiroth," said Tifa, "why are you here, anyway?"
Sephiroth shrugged his shoulders and said: "I dunno", like one of those bums who'd never been to school in their entire lives.
"Okay, so Red, I was too shocked at the time. What was that thing that actually killed Cid?" Tifa asked.
"Bats," replied Red, "baseball, bats."
Everyone gasped, and/or gaped at Red.
"It was a heavy metal one. No, Cloud, not the kind of music either."
Cloud was alrady humming his favourite heavy metal tune.
"So, you were right then, Red? About the bats, I mean. We should really get to Cosmo Canyon to see Bugenhagen," said Cloud, "oh no, wait, he's dead, I forgot."
"WHAT?!" yelled Red, "What kind of a sick joke is that to play on us at a time like this?! Don't you realise, that all of our lives are probably in jeopardy here?! And all you can say is that our only source of useful information, my Grandpa, is DEAD?! You oug-"
"Red-," Tifa interrupted, "Cloud's right. Bugenhagen...he's dead..."
"Not you too, Tifa! You're under the evil influence of Cloud, who is under the evil influence, of Sephiroth, right?"
"Actually, your grandfather IS dead," Sephiroth tried to advise him. Red clearly wasn't buying into the fact that Bugenhagen was dead, and had Cloud promise that he would not tell him right away, for obvious reasons such as this.
"Okay, so, if I go ask Vincent, Cait Sith, Aeris or whoever, they're gonna say he's dead too?"
"Yup," said Aeris.
"Fine, just fine! Play this sick joke on me! I don't care! I'll speak to him myself when we get there!"
"Uhh...we're not actually headed for there anymore...we're headed to...The Northern Crater. Seph and I had them change coarse as soon as you weren't in the room," said Cloud. Red made the smart move and didn't say anything. He just left the room. Later, any one of them could say they'd spotted Red XIII in the Chocobo room weeping his eyes out.
*********
That's chapter 2 for ya. If anyone out there is seeking revenge, save it for the reviews section, okay? I have no hatred against any of the Final Fantasy VII crew, I just wanted to write an original humorous story. Thanks for reading. If you liked it, review please, if you're pissed off, well, uhh...find your own way of seeking revenge anyways.
