Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Harry Potter, they all belong to
J.K. Rowling. I own the plot, and the characters of Diana Renton Black,
and Nicole Portman.
Author's Note: This is the chapter where Lily and James get back together, but everything still isn't so happy. Like I say these things take time and although they love each other, and recognize it, things still have to be sorted out. I am also entering Nicole and Remus (finally)! It is VERY long, even longer than chapter 5! But, they had to get back together so here it goes! Enjoy and please review, it only takes 30 seconds!!
~*~
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her."-Oscar Wilde
Lily woke up with a start at 5:30. She had a headache. At first she didn't remember where she was or what her dream was about. All she remembered was a flash of green light and a scream. It sounded like a baby crying. 'Very odd' she thought. She shook her head and then got up. She stretched before looking at the clock. She remembered that she had to be at Remus and Nicole's for dinner. She wasn't even hungry but she felt she had to see them. She felt a little annoyed with herself for not keeping in touch with them over the past few months. After all, they used to be inseparable.
She got dressed in black pants and a long sweater before heading downstairs. There was no point in wearing robes; it was only Remus and Nicole. She was tired, but at the same time surprisingly rested. That was the longest she had slept since Christmas, and that was two months ago. The only thing that ruined her mood was her dream. She couldn't fathom what it meant. Who dreams of little boys with scars, and green lights anyway? She thought. That boy did remind her of someone, but she couldn't remember who it was so she dismissed it from her mind.
She closed and locked the door of room eleven. She thought about how much she liked that room. You could hear the rustling, exciting voices of Diagon Alley, and the street traffic form Charing Cross Road behind her. She liked to think of it as two worlds colliding. One never noticing the other, and she was right in the middle of it. She liked that room.
As she went downstairs she yawned a bit. She forgot what it felt like to awaken after a short nap. She asked Tom, the bartender to fetch her a mug of butterbeer.
"Are you leavin' so soon Lily?" Tom asked her.
"Yes, I am just going over tonight to visit some friends of mine. They are having me for dinner. I just wanted a drink before I left."
"Well here it is. Who are you going to see?"
"Nicole Portman and Remus Lupin."
"Really. I haven't seen them round these parts in a while. They moved far away didn't they? I'll tell you, I don't know how that Nicole comes and goes from Witch Weekly every day. It mus' be awful."
"I think she is used to it by now Tom. She loves where she lives and she loves her job. Besides, she apparates to work so it really doesn't take that long."
"I suppose you are right. Say...How's that husband o' yours? I haven't seen you with him lately and he is in here all the time lookin' for ya."
"Really?" Lily was surprised. She yawned again.
"Ya. Every day he keeps askin' me if I know what room you're in. I keep tellin' him that I don't know because, well, I've been sensin' that ye two have been quarrellin'. I just mind my own business and say that I don't know a thing."
"That is so nice of you Tom. I really appreciate that. Now, thank you for this I must be going. I will see you tonight when I get back."
"G'night Lily. I'll have a nice warm butterbeer brought up to your room." She nodded and then began walking towards the door. Every day? She thought. Maybe he really did miss her.
Just then a face appeared from the other side of a newspaper. The man was reading Transfiguration Weekly. It was James. He had not caught the conversation between Tom and Lily. All he saw was her leaving and her dark red hair shimmer in the moonlight, but only for a second. He thought to himself for a while about what he could do. He simply could not take another day without her. Just the sight of her made him nervous. 'Nervous?' he thought. She was his wife and he was nervous. He decided to go to Remus'. He knew that Sirius and Diana had gone out for the evening and he hadn't spoken to Remus in a while. It also wasn't a full moon. He wouldn't go there right away of course. They were probably eating now. He would wait an hour, maybe, or two. Nicole probably wasn't even home yet; it was only 5:30. Or was it 6:00. He didn't remember or bothered to look at his watch. So he sat there reading about the consequences of being captured an illegal Animigas. James was illegal, so he was laughing as he read.
Lily apparated about a half a mile farther than their home. She felt like going for a bit of walk before dinner started. Nicole and Remus lived in Ottery St. Catchpole, quite a far distance from London. It was a muggle town, and she enjoyed the scenery as she walked.
Nicole and Remus lived on a hill. It was not too tall, but a safe distance from the actual town. It was best because there would be commotion in the village if anyone heard the horrid screams of Remus when he was transformed. The house was brilliantly decorated with large ferns and willows. Lily liked it because of its seclusion.
Nicole was a reporter for Witch Weekly Magazine. She reported things about wizard fashion and celebrities, and music, things like that. Occasionally she would interview famous Witches or Wizards who were honored by the Ministry for some reason or another. Lily and Diana's occupations fascinated her. She was one of the few wizard citizens who actually knew they were Aurors. Then again, they had all been best friends since they were eleven. She longed one day to be a member of the Daily Prophet. There she could right about things that really mattered to her like the war and tragedies. She wanted to become a serious writer. She wanted to write the truth, and the world was so absent from it then.
Nicole and Remus never married (a/n: I know I said they were before, but scratch that). The Ministry would never allow a werewolf to marry a witch for fear of a Lycanthropy spread among the citizens. This of course, was absolutely ridiculous. Remus would never bite Nicole, at least not like that. Also, Remus never mustered up the courage to ask her, even though he knew Dumbledore would have allowed it. He never felt that he wanted to bind Nicole to him forever, because they could never have children. It just wasn't possible and the risk was too high that the child too, would become a werewolf.
Lily approached the front porch of their estate and knocked carefully. Remus Lupin answered the door. His serious expression suddenly grew to joy at the sight of her.
"Lily! Oh, it is so great to see you!" he said in a loving embrace. They kissed each other on the cheek twice and then hugged again.
"Remus I have missed you so much. You haven't been to visit in ages."
"I know but the last couple of weeks I have been, well, you know."
"Really." Lily's voice softened. "I didn't even know it was time. I haven't even looked at a calendar in ages. I'm sorry James and Sirius never came to see you that night. I am sorry that there were things keeping them."
"Oh it's quite alright. Peter came and that was enough." He opened the door and they walked into the front hall. It had high ceilings and a chandelier. "Besides, James told me what had happened, you know, about you two. I was so distraught over it, and I am sorry for you especially."
"Yes I know Remus I was there, but thank you for your concern. You are really the sweetest man I have ever met." She smiled at him and winked.
"Naturally. Oh, Nicole is waiting for you in the living room. She wants to talk to you. She has been a little cross ever since she had to find out through Diana what had happened to you and James. Be nice."
"I will don't worry." A worried expression entered her face. She hadn't spoken to Nicole in a month. She hadn't told her anything. They were extremely good friends and she felt badly not telling her from her own words. Anyone would be cross at that, she thought.
Nicole was standing in front of the fireplace. There were pictures above the mantel of her, Remus, and the rest of the gang. There was Diana and Sirius, and James and Lily. Every woman was in a wedding gown except for Nicole. She was a bridesmaid in all of the pictures.
"Hello Nicky." Lily said. There was a little whisper in her voice.
Nicole turned around to face her. She was a tall, blue-eyed woman with strait honey blonde hair. It was pulled back into a long ponytail, with a few strands framing her face ever so slightly. She was annoyed and took no trouble in trying to hide it.
"What?" she said looking past her. "Did I hear something? I thought I heard one of my old friends talking to me but I must be mistaken because that person hasn't bothered to talk to me in a month!" She then turned back to face the fireplace.
"Oh, Nic' don't be that way. You know that I've missed you." She attempted to walk toward her.
"Well you did a really shitty job showing it. How come I had to hear from Diana that you and James have split up? You and her have the same schedule you know, and she actually took the time to tell me. Not to mention that I work about two blocks away from where you are living now."
"I feel awful about that Nic' you must know that. You know I can't go inside Witch Weekly because of what I do and I have been spending the past two weeks training Alice. I have absolutely no time to talk to anyone. I haven't spoken to Diana since that night either."
"Well what about the weeks before? I knew you were having problems and I wanted to talk but you were always away. You didn't even answer the owl I sent you."
"When did you send it?"
"I don't know. The 13th I think."
"I left that night Nicole, that is why I didn't get the letter."
"Oh. Well still. I would have told you, no matter what."
Lily walked over to Nicole and hugged her. Nicole hugged her back and Lily kissed her on the cheek.
"I would never keep anything from you, you know that. I am just feeling so awful that I have no desire to talk to anyone. I love you and you are one of my closest friends. Lets not fight over a silly thing like this. Although I can't say I blame you. You have every right to be mad at me, I deserve it."
"Well maybe just a little bit. Oh, Lil' I'm sorry too, you know, for holding a grudge. I really shouldn't be mad at you."
"Yes you can be mad at me. Lets just forget it ok. Next time we break up I will be the first to tell you, ok?"
"Promise?"
"Yes I promise."
Remus was listening. He was leaning on the wall at the door and smiling at the two women. They solved their problems like they were 16 years old. They were kissing and making up over a silly little fight. Women, he thought. They are so complicated but so loving towards one another. You could never break the bond between them, no matter who they marry, or didn't marry for that matter.
"Everything all right?" he asked, still leaning. "Can we eat NOW Nicole?"
"Yes my love we can eat now."
"Thank God, I thought you two would be fighting for at least another ten minutes, and I can't wait that long."
"What is he talking about?" Lily asked, with her arm intertwined with Nicole's.
"Oh that. Well I told him he couldn't eat until you apologized. I think it worked nicely don't you." Nicole giggled.
"Absolutely." She said.
The two women walked into the dining room and sat down. Lily wasn't hungry. There was chicken and pasta and some vegetables but she didn't want any of it. Remus, however, ate it like it was his last meal. Nicole stared at him and shook her head, half disgusted with his behavior. They ate in silence. No one knew what to really talk about. Nicole didn't want to ask Lily about James but they had to fill the dead air with something. Lily spoke first.
"So Remus, how is the research going?" She needed to start on a light subject, especially after the day she had.
"Oh fine." He answered. Remus worked for a secret research department of the Ministry of Magic. His job was the research of Lycanthropy, the very disease he had. "We are very close to finding a cure. They say that within the next couple of years everything should be perfect. I have agreed to be the guinea pig."
"What! You never told me that!" Nicole replied. She went very quickly from quiet and content to furious. Lily almost fell over.
"Well how else are we going to prove it works? Do you know of any other werewolves who would agree to test a potion like this? Do you think that you can just find these things anywhere?"
"First of all you are not a THING. Second, I don't want your life in danger because of some random combination of potions to see if you could be, well, not like you are. I am against it. You are not doing it!"
"Well that is our only option Nicole, there is nothing I can do about it!"
"You could say no!"
"I volunteered!"
"So that's it then? What if you die, what if it backfires and makes you a werewolf forever? What am I to do then Remus, hmm, what?"
She tried not to cry but she began to anyway. She loved Remus very much, ever since she saw him on the train first year. She was so shy back then. He fell in love with her right away too. They had been together so long that they didn't know what it would be like to be separated. The thought of life without Remus made Nicole scared, and she didn't like being scared. Remus felt horrible and got up to console her. He rubbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead.
"Calm down darling, I am not going anywhere, I promise. I'll see if there is any other way ok? I won't leave you ever I swear. I have the utmost confidence that it will work."
"Just don't scare me like that, and never break news to me like that again. You said it as if it was no big deal. Well I will tell you one thing Remus, it is."
"I know I'm sorry."
Lily was watching them. It depressed her to see her friends like this. They were so in love, she thought. She missed that. She missed the stupid arguments and hissy fits they used to make. When she saw Remus kiss her she realized that she wanted to be kissed so badly. She wanted James. At that very moment she wanted him to come bursting thorough the door and carry her home and never leave her, ever.
Then she remembered. She remembered how she felt when she saw him in that coffee shop. Her heart broke into a million pieces when her eyes fell on her husband, laughing the way he used to laugh with her. He stroked her hair and whispered things into her ear. It was when he kissed her that she knew. It was a sweet passionate kiss. He used to kiss her like that.
"Lily?"
Bastard, that bastard, she thought. He told her that he was having lunch with Sirius that day. Liar, such a liar. He just jerked her around. He didn't care. He never cared. All he cared about was himself. Her feelings mean absolutely nothing. 'HOW DARE HE!' She thought. 'How could he do such a thing?' she wondered in anger. She hated him, she thought. She hated him because he made her love him, it wasn't fair, it's never fair, she hated him, the liar, the bastard, the no good, unfaithful..
"Lily, are you alright?" Nicole asked with concern. Lily looked dazed and angry.
"What?" Lily replied. She had not been listening at all. She did make up her mind however.
"Where were you just now? I am a little worried about you dear." Nicole said cautiously.
"Why is everyone so worried!?" I. AM. FINE!" Lily yelled. "I am sick and tired of everyone asking me that!"
"We're sorry honey but you don't need to take it out on us." Remus tried to calm her down.
"Oh don't even talk to me Remus. You were probably in on it too. You all were, and none of you thought to tell me. We are all supposed to be friends here and you all chose him over me!"
"That's not true!" Remus yelled back. "I had absolutely no idea. No one told me, and rightfully so. I would have told you in a second and so would Nicole! I can't believe you would doubt us! We don't choose. If it had been the other way around I would have said something to him!" He got up out of his chair and ran upstairs. Nicole just looked at Lily, expressionless.
"I'm sorry Nic', it's just that I don't know who to trust anymore." Lily rubbed her temples.
"It's ok. Diana told me that Sirius knew. I will tell you this: we are not against you. It is a tragedy what happened but you can't turn your back on us. We are here for you."
"Well I don't think Remus is anymore." Lily said, cocking her head towards the stairs.
"Oh he is just angry. James and Sirius haven't really bothered to owl him lately and he is upset by it."
"Really? I didn't even know."
"Yes. I thought that you were doing the same to me, which is why I got so angry. We don't want to be alone, especially Remus."
"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry. Work has been absolute hell lately. Don't get me wrong I love my job but enough is enough sometimes. And on top of it I work with James, and it is just all falling apart. This break is making it even worse."
"I understand. You all are Aurors and it must be hard. But, I think that Remus feels left out sometimes. You know he is not allowed to become one because of his condition. I do too, but the reason I don't is God forbid something happened to him or me. Who would be there to take care of him? I know you are stressed because of work, but you can always come here."
"Thank you. It's just that you two live so far away and I barely have the energy to get up in the morning."
"I know, I know." Nicole said, sympathetically. "I also heard about Katrina. Diana told me. We were absolutely devastated."
"Oh yes. It was awful." Lily said shaking her head. There was silence for a moment, and when Lily began to speak again, Nicole cut her off.
"How bout we go into the sitting room ok. We can talk in there." They both got up from the table and went into the sitting room. There was tea and some cookies already on the table. Lily and Nicole each lit a cigarette.
"You know what Crouch told the Daily Prophet?" Lily said. "He dismissed it as a casualty. He also said she was a muggle, that bastard."
"I know. I was infuriated when I read it. Life is not fair these days is it?"
"No it absolutely isn't." Lily sighed. There is a pause. Lily thought long and hard about what she was to say.
"I'm not going back to him, I've made my decision." Lily said, matter-of- factly.
"To James, What, why?" Nicole asked her in disbelief.
"Because I remember what it was like. The silence, the deafening silence. The insomnia, the fighting, everything. He took me for granted. We aren't the same and haven't been for months. I was just his wife. He loved that other woman. He is probably with her right now."
"No, James would never do such a thing, I know him."
"Well so did I. Believe me. He doesn't care and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself over a silly dream that he put in my head."
"What dream is that dear?"
"Oh, I don't even remember anymore. A family, a child, who knows. The perfect life that everyone thinks we have. Not even Severus knew. But, oh, Malfoy did, boy did he ever. He spat it at me as soon as he had the chance, the bastard." Lily continued to smoke her cigarette. "I just want to be happy and I'm not. I thought training Alice would make me forget but it didn't. Every spare moment he is in my mind. I don't know how much longer I can take it."
"Malfoy? How did he know? He is no sneaky I can't stand it! Always in everyone's business. But James can change. He can I know it." Nicole said, trying to convince her.
"Change? Change! Damn it Nicole, think about what you are saying. He is 'James Potter'! The same man he was ever since he was eleven years old! He is still a child! He is self-centered, annoying, cocky, pompous, and smug, he always thinks he is right about everything, and he is stubborn as all hell!"
"I hate to say it but you are stubborn too." Nicole reminded her. "And besides you love him."
"Love is not enough! We are not compatible, we never were! And stop trying to make me change my mind!"
"I'm not honey, but he does love you, we all know he loves you. Diana told me that he has been over there every day, pining over you to Sirius."
"Well of course, God forbid he is alone, ever! I guess that girlfriend of his wouldn't listen to him! Bastard, such a bastard!" Lily snapped.
"Well, you're not exactly taking to being alone very well either. You are falling apart, just a little."
"I guess your right, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I am so confused you have no idea." Lily's expression changed drastically. She was upset now, and was trying extremely hard not to cry. "It's not fair!" she whispered.
"Of course it isn't. That's what love is. It hurts. Believe me I know. Do you think it is easy? It isn't. Everything will work out I promise." Nicole hugged Lily like a sister. All three women were so close. They couldn't live without each other.
"Do you feel better?"
"No, but thanks anyway. I have to go though. Tell Remus I am sorry if I insulted him, I didn't mean it."
"I know I will." Just then they heard a knock at the door. It startled them. The two girls put out their cigarettes and got up, leaving the tea and cookies.
"Who could that be? We aren't expecting anyone." Nicole said, a little annoyed at uninvited company.
"Who is it?!" The girls heard Remus yell as he was coming down the stairs.
"I don't know we haven't gotten it yet!" Nicole spat back at him. "And calm down will you! Lily is still here!"
"It's probably Peter, he is supposed to pick up his jacket, he forgot it here last week."
"Oh, alright, when were you going to tell me this? Lily could you answer the door." Nicole said, giving an annoyed look to Remus. "I have to get some extra food out of the kitchen. God knows he'll want to eat something." Nicole liked Peter, she always did, but he was ALWAYS hungry.
"Ok." Lily said. There were a few more knocks at the door. "I'm coming hold on!" She said. She opened the door quickly and then almost fumbled backwards. She was shocked to see the face of her husband standing there, and he too looked confused and embarrassed.
"Lily?" He questioned, as if he didn't know who it was. Lily straitened up. She didn't want him to think she had been upset.
"Remus, it's for you." She said coldly, and walked back inside.
"Well is it Peter?...oh, James, what are you doing here?" That was a rather stupid question, as if he were a stranger.
"I'm sorry Remus." Lily said, cutting him off. "But I must be going now, it was a lovely dinner and please apologize to Nicole for not saying goodbye." Just then Nicole walked out of the kitchen with food on a plate.
"Lil' where are you going?.oh." Nicole stopped short when she saw James in front of them. Lily still hadn't left. She was glued to that spot. They all stood around oddly, and James and Lily didn't look at each other once.
"I was just leaving. I'm sorry. She blew Nicole a kiss and gave Remus a long embrace. She then stomped out the door and didn't even look at James. "Bye everyone!" she shouted.
Once the door was closed Lily clutched her stomach and wept. Just seeing him, only once made her absolutely mad. She hated him. She hated him for making it impossible for her to hate him. She gathered herself after a minute and wiped her eyes. Soon, she thought. Soon everything will be all right. She began to walk.
Half way down the walkway Lily saw Peter approaching.
"Hi Peter!" She said, trying to hide the obvious pain.
"Hey Lil' how's it going?" he replied. He had no jacket on and looked extremely cold.
They waved as they passed and Peter went up to the door. He walked in to find three stunned individuals.
"Hello everyone! What's going on? What have I missed?" He said in a jolly voice. They all stared and resumed their positions. Nicole put the plate of food on the table.
"Peter!" Remus said trying to sound cheerful. "How've you been?"
"Good, good." He replied. "Hey Prongs, why so glum?"
"Nothing" James replied. Peter shot James a disbelieving look "Really."
"Food! Great! Nicole you shouldn't have." Peter said, trying to sound suave. It didn't work.
"Well I didn't intentionally make it for you Peter but here it is anyway. We weren't going to starve you, Not that that's particularly difficult." She said under her breath. "I suppose HE is hungry too?" She asked Remus. All the women were giving James the silent treatment, out of respect to Lily.
"No, I'm not staying, I just popped in to say hello." James feebly replied. "Never mind."
"Prongs wait! You just got here!" Remus yelled as James turned around and headed towards the walkway. James turned again.
"Remus!" He yelled. "I love you ok? I'm sorry, I just can't!" He jogged the remainder of the driveway.
He wanted desperately to talk to someone but Remus seemed to be on Lily's side. Everyone was on Lily's side, he thought. He had no one to talk to. No one cared. He could go to HER, he thought. No, his mistress disgusted him, especially now. In fact, he was all talked out. He needed Lily, bad. Every night he lied awake thinking of her and the dreams they used to share. They were all forgotten. They had such high expectations for themselves. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. Even he believed their love would never die. It hadn't but they certainly didn't show it.
It was obvious that he wanted her back. Why was she being so stubborn? He thought. It wasn't fair. He needs a drink, he thought. He needed something to numb the pain, at least temporarily. He knew Lily was staying at the Leaky Cauldron. He didn't care. Let her suffer for a while, he thought. Little did he know, Lily was just as bad.
~*~ (The Leaky Cauldron 9:00pm)
"Lily?" No answer. "Ahem.Lily?"
"What!" she answered. Her head was on the bar at the Leaky Cauldron. She wasn't drunk, but she did have a headache, or did the headache never leave? There were four empty mugs in front of her, which clearly had been previously filled with alcohol. She didn't intend to drink, but she felt it was due. It had, after all, been a rough two weeks, followed by an absolutely impossible day. Tom sympathized with her so he didn't ask any questions. So she just sat there, depressed, heartbroken, and angry.
"What are you doing here?" a voice mockingly asked her. She looked up. She saw who it was and rolled her eyes.
"What is it with you and bars Severus? Drunk again? Well I guess who wouldn't want to be, living with filth like that." She answered, referring to Malfoy.
"No, not this time. But I can see you are." He said. "I told you that I was sorry about that." He paused. "How come you never told me what happened, you know, with James?"
"I am not drunk!" She said, slurring her words a bit. "And I didn't tell you for a very specific reason." She spoke her words slowly.
"And what reason is that?" He pulled up a stool next to her. "You knew what I would say?"
She nodded.
"What would I have said?" he asked, trying to keep her awake.
"I told you so," she spoke, mockingly. She was upright on the stool and furious. "I knew that you would tell me that you were right and I was wrong, blah blah blah!"
"Blah blah blah? What is that Lil', you used to be much more articulate." He made eye contact with her officially. She yawned at him.
"Oh shut up, I know you hate him. You said this afternoon that you still haven't forgiven me for marrying him."
"I was wasted what do you expect?"
"People tell the truth when their wasted. Besides, you never showed up that day, so I know you disapproved."
"Lily, that was four years ago, and I didn't think you actually noticed." He hesitated. "I just think you deserve better than him. You are perfect. No man should treat you like that. You deserve a man who would worship you, and love you with all of his undying soul."
"You don't know James, Severus. All you know is what he has done to you in the past."
"The past is the present. The present is the future. People don't change!"
"That doesn't matter, we are not in school anymore, and don't criticize what you don't know! Weren't you the one who told me about the two different worlds thing? I know you are jealous and I have told you, time and time again to GET OVER IT!"
This statement provoked him. A feeling took over that he couldn't control. It was then that he lunged at her. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her to him. Their lips locked quite fiercely in a hard kiss. For him, it was heaven. She however, was disgusted. He was her friend but she could never kiss him, not like that. He let go hoping to see her reaction. Her face winced and she coughed. She then put her hand on her mouth and shoved him away from her. "I'm sorry but I can't!" she said. Then she looked at him, livid.
"Don't you EVER do that again!" she screamed. "I..." She paused. "DON'T. LOVE. YOU!" she cried.
She was being cruel. She knew it. But she was angry for so many reasons that she didn't care whose feelings were hurt. He was hurt. Severus was extremely hurt. He had openly given his heart to her and she stomped all over it. He was about to leave when he noticed a very angry James Potter enter the pub.
Apparently he had been looking in to see if she was there. He noticed that she was, and she was with him. James despised Severus. He knew he was in love with Lily and hated him for it. She had a soft spot for him and to this day, he couldn't fathom why. He was about to just pass by when he saw him grab her and force her to his lips. He was absolutely infuriated. He went for the door and threw it open.
"HOW DARE YOU!" He fumed, staring right at them. He grabbed Severus by his shirt and threw him against the bar. Lily sat there shocked and dizzy.
"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!" James yelled. The whole bar was staring now. Severus was in pain. The metal bar was digging into his back. He just looked at James, evil in his eyes.
"Oh shut up Potter, you pompous piece of shit!" he then spat in James' eye. James went to wipe it and Severus punched him in the stomach. James groaned and kneeled on the ground. "You are filth Potter! Absolute Filth!" James got up, clutching his stomach.
"Filth huh. Me? Filth! I have to hear this bullshit from a greasy prick trying to make time with my WIFE! Go back to your little, inner circle, you fucking Death Eater!"
"You stay away from her Potter I swear! Do you think I am going to stand here and watch you destroy her! You have ruined her Potter! If you even so much as touch her I will kill you!"
"Not if I kill you first you piece of human garbage! How dare you tell me not to touch my own wife!"
"No, but I suppose you can touch every OTHER woman in town huh?" James rammed him hard. He punched him repeatedly in the stomach and in the face. Severus fell to the floor and James continued attacking him. Severus then got up and tried to hit James in the face. He was weary and in pain, but he hit him square in the jaw. The two of them were against the bar, a few feet from the woman they were fighting over. Lily watched in horror as this event was taking place. She was infuriated with both of them. She didn't take a side.
"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" She screamed. She attempted to pull them apart. They weren't paying attention. Instead they continued fighting, despite her protests. It was like years and years of bad feelings all mixed up. Severus punched James and he fell back. His left hand flung wildly into the air and hit Lily square across the face. She gasped. They both stopped and looked at her. The whole bar looked at her. She put one hand over her cheek. It was bleeding. James had hit her with his wedding ring.
They both started at her blankly. She just shook her head and turned around. She walked towards the door.
They both ran after her. "Don't you dare chase me!" She snapped and exited the pub. James and Severus just stared at each other.
"Look what you did!" James yelled at Severus.
"Me?" He laughed. "Touch her again, Potter and I swear I will kill you." Severus whispered.
"At least she loved me once Snape." He growled. With that he left. Severus just stood there, then apparated to his home.
He looked for Lily everywhere. It was very dark outside and all the streetlights were turned off. He assumed she apparated. But where? He thought. She was probably at Sirius and Diana's. He wanted to go there but he didn't know what to say to her. If he were ever going to get her back he would have to figure out something soon. He sucked it up and apparated to Sirius'. There was commotion inside. He could hear her screaming.
"And then he has the nerve to kiss me! After everything I had just said! Oh, and that isn't even the worst of it. After I was disgusted and annoyed but who comes walking in? James! Oh and was he angry! Don't even get me started. Those two bastards had the audacity to fight over me!"
"Who won?" Sirius said jokingly, and Diana pinched him in the shoulder. "Ow! I was just curious." He whispered to her.
"Then what happened Lily?" Diana asked concerned.
"Then they just keep yelling these horrible things to one another and defending me like I'm not even there!"
"What did they say?" Sirius asked, serious now.
"Oh I don't even remember and I don't even care! How could they do that, especially in a public place where I happened to be staying!" She dropped onto the sofa. She put her head in her hands and grabbed her hair.
"I HATE THEM I HATE THEM BOTH!" She screamed. Diana gave her a shoulder and led her into the other room for she was falling apart. She sat her down on the bed. She took her hand off of her cheek and they both gasped.
"What happened?" Sirius said, concerned. "Did Snape to this to you!?" he said, grinding his teeth.
"No." she whimpered.
"Well then who?" he asked, baffled. Lily and Diana just looked at him. By process of elimination he knew.
"No." He said. "I don't believe it." He was pacing back and forth.
"Calm down Sirius it was an accident." She said wiping her eyes.
"Calm down now, it will be alright, you just have to keep it together." Diana said trying to calm her down. It was then she noticed James in the window. She tried to take Lily out of that view. James took this as the perfect opportunity. 'Idiot' She thought. Then she heard the door open and another set of footsteps enter the house. Sirius had clearly seen him too and tried to ward him off but couldn't. He then cautioned him.
"Don't James, you have done enough." Diana, and this time Lily, heard Sirius say angrily.
Lily got up, infuriated and all of her mixed emotions combining to form one gigantic earthquake.
"GET.HIM.OUT OF HERE!" she screamed at Sirius. "I MEAN IT! DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME POTTER I SWEAR!" She yelled at her husband. Diana tried to ward her off but she pushed her away. Sirius was trying to block James from her but he also pushed him away.
"Lily! Listen to me!"
"NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!" She yelled. "I HATE YOU!" She ran into the kitchen.
"Why don't you just hear me out? We can solve this!"
"What! Just like we solved things back at the Leaky Cauldron? Are you bloody Mad?" she screeched.
"Oh come on Lil', the man KISSED YOU, how could you expect me NOT to react that way!" Diana and Sirius still tried very hard to block them, temporarily. They hadn't actually begun to fight yet.
"YOU, have NO right to be jealous of me!!!!" she screamed.
"YOU'RE MY WIFE!" He yelled back at her.
"Since when does that mean ANYTHING to YOU?!!!"
"SINCE I MARRIED YOU!! Jesus Lil' do vows mean NOTHING to you?" That was bloody stupid. Even Diana and Sirius knew that. He was clearly, not thinking.
This is when she exploded.
"Vows?..VOWS!!! HOW DARE YOU ACUSE ME OF NOT KEEPING MY PROMISES POTTER!!! You have no right, do you hear, NO RIGHT!!" He cut her off.
"Oh, so THAT'S what this is about! You're still upset by THAT!"
"WHAT?!! OF COURSE I AM YOU STUPID BASTARD! YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME!"
"You are so selfish!! You know that?!!!" He crossed his arms in anger.
"Oh my god, you did not just say that to me." She chuckled. "Selfish? I'm selfish?" She continued to laugh. No one knew what was going on. "Are you serious?" She said. "You have to be the stupidest man I have ever met in my life!!!!" She pulled out her wand and pointed it at him.
"Did I fuck another man? Huh? Did I ignore you and make you feel like you were NOTHING?" She was circling the table, with him on the other side. "Did I fucking hit you James?!"
"That was an accident, I wanted to hit HIM!"
"Well you didn't, did you? They were right, EVERYONE was right!" She withdrew her wand and walked out of the kitchen. But before she walked out, she grabbed her left hand and pulled off her wedding ring. She threw it at him, and it landed on the tile with a faint clinking sound.
"Lily!" he yelled, shocked at her action.
"Fuck you, you fucking hypocrite!"
"Where are you going?"
"Home, I am getting my things, I have had enough!" Sirius and Diana still sat there, dumbfounded and confused. They all had watched Lily leave and James follow her. "Oh my God." They both said, looking at each other.
"STOP FOLLOWING ME!!" she screamed as he followed her out the door. She then apparated to her home. It was a flat in muggle London close to Diana and Sirius. She hadn't been there in weeks, and James was right behind her. She arrived in front and threw the door open, he never locked it. She ran upstairs. James still frantically behind her. He walked in on her starting to pack. He tried to think of something to say.
"You are not seriously doing this?!" He asked in disbelief. She didn't even look up.
"And what do you plan to do to stop me?" She spat back. He went over to her, attempting to grab her arm.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" She angrily said. Her hand formed into a fist. She continued packing.
"You know what?" he said. "Fine! Go! I don't give a shit anymore!"
"Good! Now kindly get out of my way!" He was in front of the closet, blocking it. He moved.
"This is just one big roller coaster ride with you isn't it?" he said, leaning against the bedpost. "You just LOVE to torment me!" He threw his hands up in the air.
"Do you even know what you are talking about anymore?" she asked. "That's the thing with you James. You don't give a shit about anything! You want me to leave, and when I do, you say I am tormenting you! Make a fucking decision! But noooo, you are not the insufferable one. It's me! It's always me isn't it!" She yelled, shoving clothes into a small suitcase. She then looked at him intently.
"Oh, and if you don't give a shit, how come I, supposedly, am the only thing keeping you alive?" She cocked her head. James was embarrassed.
"Because..." He didn't know what to say. "Oh, do you always have to twist everything around to confuse me?"
"Yes, well you get confused so easily." She sarcastically replied.
"Don't make jokes, it's not funny." She eyed him wearily.
"I don't care." She sighed. She attempted to walk out the door but James was in her way. "Move." She said. No response. "MOVE!"
"No! You are not leaving things like this!"
"You love to make this my fault, don't you? God, James if you only knew. Now get out of my way!"
"I refuse to let you go. No Lil' not like this. You can't leave me again like this."
"Well tough! I'm sorry if I'm not thinking of YOUR feelings right now!"
She attempted to push him and he wouldn't budge. She tried again and this time he pushed her back. She was still furious that she grabbed him by the shirt and with a zap of her bare fingers, flung him across the room and into the bedpost. The bed was on the other side of the room. She looked at her hands in surprise. She didn't even have her wand on her. It was in the bag. James was surprised too. He was in very serious pain at the moment and looked at her confused.
"How did you?" But speaking hurt him. His back and neck were killing him. She got suddenly scared and picked up her bag and went down the hall.
She was half way down the stairs when she heard her husband call her. "Lily.." He feebly spoke. His voice was raspy and dull.
She suddenly couldn't go another step. She heard him call again. He needed her, she thought. 'Damn it.' She was still furious but felt extremely guilty. She turned around and went back up the few steps. She stopped again, and then went into the room. She threw the bag to the side angrily and shook her head. She walked over to him. He refused to make eye contact with her. She stood there, staring at him.
"Get up Potter!" she spoke. No answer. "Come on, I didn't push you that hard."
He groaned. She then knelt down to him. After a few moments her anger melted. She leant him her arm and he wouldn't take it.
"Just Go." He whispered. She looked at him. "What?" she answered and looked up.
"You can leave."
"Well I can't just leave you on the floor, can I?"
"I'm no good for you, you deserve better. You deserve to be with a man you love, and who loves you better than I can." There is silence. She didn't move.
"Oh, Don't do this now." She said, frustrated.
"What are you waiting for? I am releasing you from me. It's okay." He whispered. "I won't hurt you anymore." A tear fell onto his cheek. She noticed and wiped it away for him. After a minute or two of debating, she touched his hand, and held it. For a few more moments they sat there. Then she pulled him up, he groaned again, then leaned against the bedpost while seated on the bed. She folded her arms and looked at him. 'Pathetic.' She thought.
"Do you remember what it was like?" he asked her. She looked at him. "When?" she replied.
"Before..." he said. "Before all this." She nodded. "We barely spoke that day, didn't we?" he said. She nodded again.
"You were always somewhere else. I never understood it." She said.
"I know, I'm sorry..." she cut him off. If he was like that he was going to listen to why she was leaving, for good.
"I thought it was just because we were going through a rough time and that it would pass. Then I saw you.."
He cringed at her words. If he was guilty of anything it was that.
"I saw you laugh with her and kiss her. Then I knew it wasn't you. It was me. Then I thought that I could change for you and you would outgrow her, but time passed and you didn't."
He still sat there, listening to her reasons.
"That night you tried to make love to me, you remember. Yes, I cringed when you touched me, but only because I knew you had been touching someone else that very afternoon. I had been observing you when you arrived home. You walk differently after you, well, you know."
"Do I, I didn't even know.." She cut him off again.
"Just answer me one question James..." He nodded.
"Why?" There is a pause. He sighed and hesitated to answer her.
"Honestly?" he asked her. "I was afraid." She doesn't understand.
"Afraid of what?"
"Well, you, I just felt that you had outgrown me. You were always so brave and, everyone loves you and, you just became too much."
"Too much?"
"I think a part of me wanted to hurt you. I guess I wanted to make you...not perfect."
"Oh James..." She said, annoyed, but not angry.
"No, wait. I know you are not perfect. You are stubborn and spiteful, and you always think you are right. You get angry for the wrong reasons and hold the longest grudges I have ever seen. You think that I have no idea but I do. I know you, probably better than you know yourself. I know when you are in pain and I know when you are happy. You are not happy. You can hate me it's all right. I know that you are here because I am in pain and you don't want guilt. I understand that. It's guilt that holds you to me."
"Love holds you to me." She spit it out, accidentally. "Unfortunately."
"Love?" he chuckled. "What is love anyway? People who are in love don't treat each other like this, do they?"
"No, I guess not. But, if you know me that well you must know that I don't hate you James. I can't hate you."
"Why not? You have every right to, you know."
"I know, and believe me I've tried."
"I don't doubt that. You used to be the rock upon which I stood, you used to adore me, and when you were gone, I fell, hard. I may say that I am strong and brave but I'm not."
"Yes you are. Why do you think I turned out this way? You're the one who taught me to be brave. You reminded me, when we were young that we can't be cowards in this day and age. Believe me James. I know you too, or at least I think I do. You are a bastard, an absolute bastard, you know. I should have left you months ago, any sensible wife would have. But, I thought that if fragments of you were still left, fragments of our past, then we could work through it. The thing is, now, I don't know how much of you is left to salvage. Is there enough?"
He stared at her blankly before answering. "Enough? Enough. What is enough? I don't know."
"Well, you want me back, you have made that quite obvious. Why? You want me to be happy yet you want me to leave you. But, I know you want me to stay. Why?"
"Because....because to me, you... Because without you, I cease to exist. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for making you come back up here. I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I loved you. I am sorry for her. She means nothing to me. I thought she did, but compared to what you mean to me..." He began to stutter, his lips quivering. Lily's eyes began to water.
"What I am trying to say is, very inarticulately, is that from what I have learned, over these past few weeks, is that I would rather be beside you during the worst times in my life, than having the best times with someone else. I promised you once that you could always count on me, and even if we were separated or divorced, I would go into a burning building for you. I would die for you; feel pain for you, anything. I would go up against anything, or anyone, to make sure that you are safe, and happy.." he reached for her and squeezed her hand.
"It is because I love you that I can let you go.."he said, through tears. "So leave now, and be happy. Marry Snape if you wish, I can't stop you. Do what your heart wants." Lily had her hand over her lips, fighting back the exploding tears that would follow. She got up and walked to the other side of the room. She nodded to him. the she walked out. At first James' heart stopped. That was it, he thought. She walked to the other side of the stairs. She took two deep breaths and let out one loud cry. She then turned around again, tears streaming down her face. She thought for a minute, two minutes, five. She paced back and forth, annoyed, touched, in love, out of love, she didn't know.
Her chest was heaving profusely. She walked back over to him in that room.
"Damn you Potter!" she cried. He just stared at her in disbelief.
She knelt down beside him, and took his hand, calmer now. She put his hand over her heart.
"Do you want me to stay?" she asked, trying desperately not to cry. "Because if you ever." she put her head down.
"Yes. Yes I do." He put his hand on her hair, and stroked it.
"Well then that's it then." She said, wiping her eyes. She stood up. "For now."
"But what about..everything, everything I have done?"
"You can spend the rest of your miserable life making it up to me, that's all."
"It's not because you feel sorry for me?" he said. She gave him her arm and he leaned on her. She helped him to the front of the bed, where he could rest, or at least sit up strait.
"I don't feel sorry for you, you deserved it. Besides, you should know by now that I have never felt sorry for you."
He smiled at her. It was the first time she had seen him smile in months. She smiled back, and it was understood. She would stay that night, and every night thereafter, although she did not know it at that moment. She just looked at him. There was still so much left unsaid between them. At that moment she didn't care. She needed him and he needed her.
"I hate you." She said.
"Well I hate you too." He answered.
They smirked at each other. They each remembered their engagement. They shook their heads at one another. They were crazy, and they knew it. Diana's words had rung true for both of them.
Where there is a James, there is a Lily. One simply can't exist without the other. For the first time they truly knew that, and a small amount of fire was rekindled in both of them.
(Well that's it! It took me forever to write and I would love to know what you think! I told you it was long, and I hope it was worth it. PLEASE REVIEW! I write faster when you do!)
Kaeldra~ Thank you so much for my first signed review!
Moon Princess~ you are so sweet and generous and I'm so glad you like it!
Xnedra~ You are amazing and I am so grateful for such a fantastic reviewer!
Senav Shania Gold~ You know I love you and your stories, your reviews continue to inspire me!
Musicaldreams09~ you are fantastic! Thanks for the support!
~I love all of you, so much. Keep writing, those of you whose stories I adore! I will continue when I get at least 15 reviews, so spread the word! Talk to you all soon! ~Angelxd14
Author's Note: This is the chapter where Lily and James get back together, but everything still isn't so happy. Like I say these things take time and although they love each other, and recognize it, things still have to be sorted out. I am also entering Nicole and Remus (finally)! It is VERY long, even longer than chapter 5! But, they had to get back together so here it goes! Enjoy and please review, it only takes 30 seconds!!
~*~
"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her."-Oscar Wilde
Lily woke up with a start at 5:30. She had a headache. At first she didn't remember where she was or what her dream was about. All she remembered was a flash of green light and a scream. It sounded like a baby crying. 'Very odd' she thought. She shook her head and then got up. She stretched before looking at the clock. She remembered that she had to be at Remus and Nicole's for dinner. She wasn't even hungry but she felt she had to see them. She felt a little annoyed with herself for not keeping in touch with them over the past few months. After all, they used to be inseparable.
She got dressed in black pants and a long sweater before heading downstairs. There was no point in wearing robes; it was only Remus and Nicole. She was tired, but at the same time surprisingly rested. That was the longest she had slept since Christmas, and that was two months ago. The only thing that ruined her mood was her dream. She couldn't fathom what it meant. Who dreams of little boys with scars, and green lights anyway? She thought. That boy did remind her of someone, but she couldn't remember who it was so she dismissed it from her mind.
She closed and locked the door of room eleven. She thought about how much she liked that room. You could hear the rustling, exciting voices of Diagon Alley, and the street traffic form Charing Cross Road behind her. She liked to think of it as two worlds colliding. One never noticing the other, and she was right in the middle of it. She liked that room.
As she went downstairs she yawned a bit. She forgot what it felt like to awaken after a short nap. She asked Tom, the bartender to fetch her a mug of butterbeer.
"Are you leavin' so soon Lily?" Tom asked her.
"Yes, I am just going over tonight to visit some friends of mine. They are having me for dinner. I just wanted a drink before I left."
"Well here it is. Who are you going to see?"
"Nicole Portman and Remus Lupin."
"Really. I haven't seen them round these parts in a while. They moved far away didn't they? I'll tell you, I don't know how that Nicole comes and goes from Witch Weekly every day. It mus' be awful."
"I think she is used to it by now Tom. She loves where she lives and she loves her job. Besides, she apparates to work so it really doesn't take that long."
"I suppose you are right. Say...How's that husband o' yours? I haven't seen you with him lately and he is in here all the time lookin' for ya."
"Really?" Lily was surprised. She yawned again.
"Ya. Every day he keeps askin' me if I know what room you're in. I keep tellin' him that I don't know because, well, I've been sensin' that ye two have been quarrellin'. I just mind my own business and say that I don't know a thing."
"That is so nice of you Tom. I really appreciate that. Now, thank you for this I must be going. I will see you tonight when I get back."
"G'night Lily. I'll have a nice warm butterbeer brought up to your room." She nodded and then began walking towards the door. Every day? She thought. Maybe he really did miss her.
Just then a face appeared from the other side of a newspaper. The man was reading Transfiguration Weekly. It was James. He had not caught the conversation between Tom and Lily. All he saw was her leaving and her dark red hair shimmer in the moonlight, but only for a second. He thought to himself for a while about what he could do. He simply could not take another day without her. Just the sight of her made him nervous. 'Nervous?' he thought. She was his wife and he was nervous. He decided to go to Remus'. He knew that Sirius and Diana had gone out for the evening and he hadn't spoken to Remus in a while. It also wasn't a full moon. He wouldn't go there right away of course. They were probably eating now. He would wait an hour, maybe, or two. Nicole probably wasn't even home yet; it was only 5:30. Or was it 6:00. He didn't remember or bothered to look at his watch. So he sat there reading about the consequences of being captured an illegal Animigas. James was illegal, so he was laughing as he read.
Lily apparated about a half a mile farther than their home. She felt like going for a bit of walk before dinner started. Nicole and Remus lived in Ottery St. Catchpole, quite a far distance from London. It was a muggle town, and she enjoyed the scenery as she walked.
Nicole and Remus lived on a hill. It was not too tall, but a safe distance from the actual town. It was best because there would be commotion in the village if anyone heard the horrid screams of Remus when he was transformed. The house was brilliantly decorated with large ferns and willows. Lily liked it because of its seclusion.
Nicole was a reporter for Witch Weekly Magazine. She reported things about wizard fashion and celebrities, and music, things like that. Occasionally she would interview famous Witches or Wizards who were honored by the Ministry for some reason or another. Lily and Diana's occupations fascinated her. She was one of the few wizard citizens who actually knew they were Aurors. Then again, they had all been best friends since they were eleven. She longed one day to be a member of the Daily Prophet. There she could right about things that really mattered to her like the war and tragedies. She wanted to become a serious writer. She wanted to write the truth, and the world was so absent from it then.
Nicole and Remus never married (a/n: I know I said they were before, but scratch that). The Ministry would never allow a werewolf to marry a witch for fear of a Lycanthropy spread among the citizens. This of course, was absolutely ridiculous. Remus would never bite Nicole, at least not like that. Also, Remus never mustered up the courage to ask her, even though he knew Dumbledore would have allowed it. He never felt that he wanted to bind Nicole to him forever, because they could never have children. It just wasn't possible and the risk was too high that the child too, would become a werewolf.
Lily approached the front porch of their estate and knocked carefully. Remus Lupin answered the door. His serious expression suddenly grew to joy at the sight of her.
"Lily! Oh, it is so great to see you!" he said in a loving embrace. They kissed each other on the cheek twice and then hugged again.
"Remus I have missed you so much. You haven't been to visit in ages."
"I know but the last couple of weeks I have been, well, you know."
"Really." Lily's voice softened. "I didn't even know it was time. I haven't even looked at a calendar in ages. I'm sorry James and Sirius never came to see you that night. I am sorry that there were things keeping them."
"Oh it's quite alright. Peter came and that was enough." He opened the door and they walked into the front hall. It had high ceilings and a chandelier. "Besides, James told me what had happened, you know, about you two. I was so distraught over it, and I am sorry for you especially."
"Yes I know Remus I was there, but thank you for your concern. You are really the sweetest man I have ever met." She smiled at him and winked.
"Naturally. Oh, Nicole is waiting for you in the living room. She wants to talk to you. She has been a little cross ever since she had to find out through Diana what had happened to you and James. Be nice."
"I will don't worry." A worried expression entered her face. She hadn't spoken to Nicole in a month. She hadn't told her anything. They were extremely good friends and she felt badly not telling her from her own words. Anyone would be cross at that, she thought.
Nicole was standing in front of the fireplace. There were pictures above the mantel of her, Remus, and the rest of the gang. There was Diana and Sirius, and James and Lily. Every woman was in a wedding gown except for Nicole. She was a bridesmaid in all of the pictures.
"Hello Nicky." Lily said. There was a little whisper in her voice.
Nicole turned around to face her. She was a tall, blue-eyed woman with strait honey blonde hair. It was pulled back into a long ponytail, with a few strands framing her face ever so slightly. She was annoyed and took no trouble in trying to hide it.
"What?" she said looking past her. "Did I hear something? I thought I heard one of my old friends talking to me but I must be mistaken because that person hasn't bothered to talk to me in a month!" She then turned back to face the fireplace.
"Oh, Nic' don't be that way. You know that I've missed you." She attempted to walk toward her.
"Well you did a really shitty job showing it. How come I had to hear from Diana that you and James have split up? You and her have the same schedule you know, and she actually took the time to tell me. Not to mention that I work about two blocks away from where you are living now."
"I feel awful about that Nic' you must know that. You know I can't go inside Witch Weekly because of what I do and I have been spending the past two weeks training Alice. I have absolutely no time to talk to anyone. I haven't spoken to Diana since that night either."
"Well what about the weeks before? I knew you were having problems and I wanted to talk but you were always away. You didn't even answer the owl I sent you."
"When did you send it?"
"I don't know. The 13th I think."
"I left that night Nicole, that is why I didn't get the letter."
"Oh. Well still. I would have told you, no matter what."
Lily walked over to Nicole and hugged her. Nicole hugged her back and Lily kissed her on the cheek.
"I would never keep anything from you, you know that. I am just feeling so awful that I have no desire to talk to anyone. I love you and you are one of my closest friends. Lets not fight over a silly thing like this. Although I can't say I blame you. You have every right to be mad at me, I deserve it."
"Well maybe just a little bit. Oh, Lil' I'm sorry too, you know, for holding a grudge. I really shouldn't be mad at you."
"Yes you can be mad at me. Lets just forget it ok. Next time we break up I will be the first to tell you, ok?"
"Promise?"
"Yes I promise."
Remus was listening. He was leaning on the wall at the door and smiling at the two women. They solved their problems like they were 16 years old. They were kissing and making up over a silly little fight. Women, he thought. They are so complicated but so loving towards one another. You could never break the bond between them, no matter who they marry, or didn't marry for that matter.
"Everything all right?" he asked, still leaning. "Can we eat NOW Nicole?"
"Yes my love we can eat now."
"Thank God, I thought you two would be fighting for at least another ten minutes, and I can't wait that long."
"What is he talking about?" Lily asked, with her arm intertwined with Nicole's.
"Oh that. Well I told him he couldn't eat until you apologized. I think it worked nicely don't you." Nicole giggled.
"Absolutely." She said.
The two women walked into the dining room and sat down. Lily wasn't hungry. There was chicken and pasta and some vegetables but she didn't want any of it. Remus, however, ate it like it was his last meal. Nicole stared at him and shook her head, half disgusted with his behavior. They ate in silence. No one knew what to really talk about. Nicole didn't want to ask Lily about James but they had to fill the dead air with something. Lily spoke first.
"So Remus, how is the research going?" She needed to start on a light subject, especially after the day she had.
"Oh fine." He answered. Remus worked for a secret research department of the Ministry of Magic. His job was the research of Lycanthropy, the very disease he had. "We are very close to finding a cure. They say that within the next couple of years everything should be perfect. I have agreed to be the guinea pig."
"What! You never told me that!" Nicole replied. She went very quickly from quiet and content to furious. Lily almost fell over.
"Well how else are we going to prove it works? Do you know of any other werewolves who would agree to test a potion like this? Do you think that you can just find these things anywhere?"
"First of all you are not a THING. Second, I don't want your life in danger because of some random combination of potions to see if you could be, well, not like you are. I am against it. You are not doing it!"
"Well that is our only option Nicole, there is nothing I can do about it!"
"You could say no!"
"I volunteered!"
"So that's it then? What if you die, what if it backfires and makes you a werewolf forever? What am I to do then Remus, hmm, what?"
She tried not to cry but she began to anyway. She loved Remus very much, ever since she saw him on the train first year. She was so shy back then. He fell in love with her right away too. They had been together so long that they didn't know what it would be like to be separated. The thought of life without Remus made Nicole scared, and she didn't like being scared. Remus felt horrible and got up to console her. He rubbed her shoulders and kissed her forehead.
"Calm down darling, I am not going anywhere, I promise. I'll see if there is any other way ok? I won't leave you ever I swear. I have the utmost confidence that it will work."
"Just don't scare me like that, and never break news to me like that again. You said it as if it was no big deal. Well I will tell you one thing Remus, it is."
"I know I'm sorry."
Lily was watching them. It depressed her to see her friends like this. They were so in love, she thought. She missed that. She missed the stupid arguments and hissy fits they used to make. When she saw Remus kiss her she realized that she wanted to be kissed so badly. She wanted James. At that very moment she wanted him to come bursting thorough the door and carry her home and never leave her, ever.
Then she remembered. She remembered how she felt when she saw him in that coffee shop. Her heart broke into a million pieces when her eyes fell on her husband, laughing the way he used to laugh with her. He stroked her hair and whispered things into her ear. It was when he kissed her that she knew. It was a sweet passionate kiss. He used to kiss her like that.
"Lily?"
Bastard, that bastard, she thought. He told her that he was having lunch with Sirius that day. Liar, such a liar. He just jerked her around. He didn't care. He never cared. All he cared about was himself. Her feelings mean absolutely nothing. 'HOW DARE HE!' She thought. 'How could he do such a thing?' she wondered in anger. She hated him, she thought. She hated him because he made her love him, it wasn't fair, it's never fair, she hated him, the liar, the bastard, the no good, unfaithful..
"Lily, are you alright?" Nicole asked with concern. Lily looked dazed and angry.
"What?" Lily replied. She had not been listening at all. She did make up her mind however.
"Where were you just now? I am a little worried about you dear." Nicole said cautiously.
"Why is everyone so worried!?" I. AM. FINE!" Lily yelled. "I am sick and tired of everyone asking me that!"
"We're sorry honey but you don't need to take it out on us." Remus tried to calm her down.
"Oh don't even talk to me Remus. You were probably in on it too. You all were, and none of you thought to tell me. We are all supposed to be friends here and you all chose him over me!"
"That's not true!" Remus yelled back. "I had absolutely no idea. No one told me, and rightfully so. I would have told you in a second and so would Nicole! I can't believe you would doubt us! We don't choose. If it had been the other way around I would have said something to him!" He got up out of his chair and ran upstairs. Nicole just looked at Lily, expressionless.
"I'm sorry Nic', it's just that I don't know who to trust anymore." Lily rubbed her temples.
"It's ok. Diana told me that Sirius knew. I will tell you this: we are not against you. It is a tragedy what happened but you can't turn your back on us. We are here for you."
"Well I don't think Remus is anymore." Lily said, cocking her head towards the stairs.
"Oh he is just angry. James and Sirius haven't really bothered to owl him lately and he is upset by it."
"Really? I didn't even know."
"Yes. I thought that you were doing the same to me, which is why I got so angry. We don't want to be alone, especially Remus."
"I know, I know, and I'm so sorry. Work has been absolute hell lately. Don't get me wrong I love my job but enough is enough sometimes. And on top of it I work with James, and it is just all falling apart. This break is making it even worse."
"I understand. You all are Aurors and it must be hard. But, I think that Remus feels left out sometimes. You know he is not allowed to become one because of his condition. I do too, but the reason I don't is God forbid something happened to him or me. Who would be there to take care of him? I know you are stressed because of work, but you can always come here."
"Thank you. It's just that you two live so far away and I barely have the energy to get up in the morning."
"I know, I know." Nicole said, sympathetically. "I also heard about Katrina. Diana told me. We were absolutely devastated."
"Oh yes. It was awful." Lily said shaking her head. There was silence for a moment, and when Lily began to speak again, Nicole cut her off.
"How bout we go into the sitting room ok. We can talk in there." They both got up from the table and went into the sitting room. There was tea and some cookies already on the table. Lily and Nicole each lit a cigarette.
"You know what Crouch told the Daily Prophet?" Lily said. "He dismissed it as a casualty. He also said she was a muggle, that bastard."
"I know. I was infuriated when I read it. Life is not fair these days is it?"
"No it absolutely isn't." Lily sighed. There is a pause. Lily thought long and hard about what she was to say.
"I'm not going back to him, I've made my decision." Lily said, matter-of- factly.
"To James, What, why?" Nicole asked her in disbelief.
"Because I remember what it was like. The silence, the deafening silence. The insomnia, the fighting, everything. He took me for granted. We aren't the same and haven't been for months. I was just his wife. He loved that other woman. He is probably with her right now."
"No, James would never do such a thing, I know him."
"Well so did I. Believe me. He doesn't care and I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself over a silly dream that he put in my head."
"What dream is that dear?"
"Oh, I don't even remember anymore. A family, a child, who knows. The perfect life that everyone thinks we have. Not even Severus knew. But, oh, Malfoy did, boy did he ever. He spat it at me as soon as he had the chance, the bastard." Lily continued to smoke her cigarette. "I just want to be happy and I'm not. I thought training Alice would make me forget but it didn't. Every spare moment he is in my mind. I don't know how much longer I can take it."
"Malfoy? How did he know? He is no sneaky I can't stand it! Always in everyone's business. But James can change. He can I know it." Nicole said, trying to convince her.
"Change? Change! Damn it Nicole, think about what you are saying. He is 'James Potter'! The same man he was ever since he was eleven years old! He is still a child! He is self-centered, annoying, cocky, pompous, and smug, he always thinks he is right about everything, and he is stubborn as all hell!"
"I hate to say it but you are stubborn too." Nicole reminded her. "And besides you love him."
"Love is not enough! We are not compatible, we never were! And stop trying to make me change my mind!"
"I'm not honey, but he does love you, we all know he loves you. Diana told me that he has been over there every day, pining over you to Sirius."
"Well of course, God forbid he is alone, ever! I guess that girlfriend of his wouldn't listen to him! Bastard, such a bastard!" Lily snapped.
"Well, you're not exactly taking to being alone very well either. You are falling apart, just a little."
"I guess your right, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I am so confused you have no idea." Lily's expression changed drastically. She was upset now, and was trying extremely hard not to cry. "It's not fair!" she whispered.
"Of course it isn't. That's what love is. It hurts. Believe me I know. Do you think it is easy? It isn't. Everything will work out I promise." Nicole hugged Lily like a sister. All three women were so close. They couldn't live without each other.
"Do you feel better?"
"No, but thanks anyway. I have to go though. Tell Remus I am sorry if I insulted him, I didn't mean it."
"I know I will." Just then they heard a knock at the door. It startled them. The two girls put out their cigarettes and got up, leaving the tea and cookies.
"Who could that be? We aren't expecting anyone." Nicole said, a little annoyed at uninvited company.
"Who is it?!" The girls heard Remus yell as he was coming down the stairs.
"I don't know we haven't gotten it yet!" Nicole spat back at him. "And calm down will you! Lily is still here!"
"It's probably Peter, he is supposed to pick up his jacket, he forgot it here last week."
"Oh, alright, when were you going to tell me this? Lily could you answer the door." Nicole said, giving an annoyed look to Remus. "I have to get some extra food out of the kitchen. God knows he'll want to eat something." Nicole liked Peter, she always did, but he was ALWAYS hungry.
"Ok." Lily said. There were a few more knocks at the door. "I'm coming hold on!" She said. She opened the door quickly and then almost fumbled backwards. She was shocked to see the face of her husband standing there, and he too looked confused and embarrassed.
"Lily?" He questioned, as if he didn't know who it was. Lily straitened up. She didn't want him to think she had been upset.
"Remus, it's for you." She said coldly, and walked back inside.
"Well is it Peter?...oh, James, what are you doing here?" That was a rather stupid question, as if he were a stranger.
"I'm sorry Remus." Lily said, cutting him off. "But I must be going now, it was a lovely dinner and please apologize to Nicole for not saying goodbye." Just then Nicole walked out of the kitchen with food on a plate.
"Lil' where are you going?.oh." Nicole stopped short when she saw James in front of them. Lily still hadn't left. She was glued to that spot. They all stood around oddly, and James and Lily didn't look at each other once.
"I was just leaving. I'm sorry. She blew Nicole a kiss and gave Remus a long embrace. She then stomped out the door and didn't even look at James. "Bye everyone!" she shouted.
Once the door was closed Lily clutched her stomach and wept. Just seeing him, only once made her absolutely mad. She hated him. She hated him for making it impossible for her to hate him. She gathered herself after a minute and wiped her eyes. Soon, she thought. Soon everything will be all right. She began to walk.
Half way down the walkway Lily saw Peter approaching.
"Hi Peter!" She said, trying to hide the obvious pain.
"Hey Lil' how's it going?" he replied. He had no jacket on and looked extremely cold.
They waved as they passed and Peter went up to the door. He walked in to find three stunned individuals.
"Hello everyone! What's going on? What have I missed?" He said in a jolly voice. They all stared and resumed their positions. Nicole put the plate of food on the table.
"Peter!" Remus said trying to sound cheerful. "How've you been?"
"Good, good." He replied. "Hey Prongs, why so glum?"
"Nothing" James replied. Peter shot James a disbelieving look "Really."
"Food! Great! Nicole you shouldn't have." Peter said, trying to sound suave. It didn't work.
"Well I didn't intentionally make it for you Peter but here it is anyway. We weren't going to starve you, Not that that's particularly difficult." She said under her breath. "I suppose HE is hungry too?" She asked Remus. All the women were giving James the silent treatment, out of respect to Lily.
"No, I'm not staying, I just popped in to say hello." James feebly replied. "Never mind."
"Prongs wait! You just got here!" Remus yelled as James turned around and headed towards the walkway. James turned again.
"Remus!" He yelled. "I love you ok? I'm sorry, I just can't!" He jogged the remainder of the driveway.
He wanted desperately to talk to someone but Remus seemed to be on Lily's side. Everyone was on Lily's side, he thought. He had no one to talk to. No one cared. He could go to HER, he thought. No, his mistress disgusted him, especially now. In fact, he was all talked out. He needed Lily, bad. Every night he lied awake thinking of her and the dreams they used to share. They were all forgotten. They had such high expectations for themselves. Everyone thought they were the perfect couple. Even he believed their love would never die. It hadn't but they certainly didn't show it.
It was obvious that he wanted her back. Why was she being so stubborn? He thought. It wasn't fair. He needs a drink, he thought. He needed something to numb the pain, at least temporarily. He knew Lily was staying at the Leaky Cauldron. He didn't care. Let her suffer for a while, he thought. Little did he know, Lily was just as bad.
~*~ (The Leaky Cauldron 9:00pm)
"Lily?" No answer. "Ahem.Lily?"
"What!" she answered. Her head was on the bar at the Leaky Cauldron. She wasn't drunk, but she did have a headache, or did the headache never leave? There were four empty mugs in front of her, which clearly had been previously filled with alcohol. She didn't intend to drink, but she felt it was due. It had, after all, been a rough two weeks, followed by an absolutely impossible day. Tom sympathized with her so he didn't ask any questions. So she just sat there, depressed, heartbroken, and angry.
"What are you doing here?" a voice mockingly asked her. She looked up. She saw who it was and rolled her eyes.
"What is it with you and bars Severus? Drunk again? Well I guess who wouldn't want to be, living with filth like that." She answered, referring to Malfoy.
"No, not this time. But I can see you are." He said. "I told you that I was sorry about that." He paused. "How come you never told me what happened, you know, with James?"
"I am not drunk!" She said, slurring her words a bit. "And I didn't tell you for a very specific reason." She spoke her words slowly.
"And what reason is that?" He pulled up a stool next to her. "You knew what I would say?"
She nodded.
"What would I have said?" he asked, trying to keep her awake.
"I told you so," she spoke, mockingly. She was upright on the stool and furious. "I knew that you would tell me that you were right and I was wrong, blah blah blah!"
"Blah blah blah? What is that Lil', you used to be much more articulate." He made eye contact with her officially. She yawned at him.
"Oh shut up, I know you hate him. You said this afternoon that you still haven't forgiven me for marrying him."
"I was wasted what do you expect?"
"People tell the truth when their wasted. Besides, you never showed up that day, so I know you disapproved."
"Lily, that was four years ago, and I didn't think you actually noticed." He hesitated. "I just think you deserve better than him. You are perfect. No man should treat you like that. You deserve a man who would worship you, and love you with all of his undying soul."
"You don't know James, Severus. All you know is what he has done to you in the past."
"The past is the present. The present is the future. People don't change!"
"That doesn't matter, we are not in school anymore, and don't criticize what you don't know! Weren't you the one who told me about the two different worlds thing? I know you are jealous and I have told you, time and time again to GET OVER IT!"
This statement provoked him. A feeling took over that he couldn't control. It was then that he lunged at her. He grabbed her shoulders and pushed her to him. Their lips locked quite fiercely in a hard kiss. For him, it was heaven. She however, was disgusted. He was her friend but she could never kiss him, not like that. He let go hoping to see her reaction. Her face winced and she coughed. She then put her hand on her mouth and shoved him away from her. "I'm sorry but I can't!" she said. Then she looked at him, livid.
"Don't you EVER do that again!" she screamed. "I..." She paused. "DON'T. LOVE. YOU!" she cried.
She was being cruel. She knew it. But she was angry for so many reasons that she didn't care whose feelings were hurt. He was hurt. Severus was extremely hurt. He had openly given his heart to her and she stomped all over it. He was about to leave when he noticed a very angry James Potter enter the pub.
Apparently he had been looking in to see if she was there. He noticed that she was, and she was with him. James despised Severus. He knew he was in love with Lily and hated him for it. She had a soft spot for him and to this day, he couldn't fathom why. He was about to just pass by when he saw him grab her and force her to his lips. He was absolutely infuriated. He went for the door and threw it open.
"HOW DARE YOU!" He fumed, staring right at them. He grabbed Severus by his shirt and threw him against the bar. Lily sat there shocked and dizzy.
"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!" James yelled. The whole bar was staring now. Severus was in pain. The metal bar was digging into his back. He just looked at James, evil in his eyes.
"Oh shut up Potter, you pompous piece of shit!" he then spat in James' eye. James went to wipe it and Severus punched him in the stomach. James groaned and kneeled on the ground. "You are filth Potter! Absolute Filth!" James got up, clutching his stomach.
"Filth huh. Me? Filth! I have to hear this bullshit from a greasy prick trying to make time with my WIFE! Go back to your little, inner circle, you fucking Death Eater!"
"You stay away from her Potter I swear! Do you think I am going to stand here and watch you destroy her! You have ruined her Potter! If you even so much as touch her I will kill you!"
"Not if I kill you first you piece of human garbage! How dare you tell me not to touch my own wife!"
"No, but I suppose you can touch every OTHER woman in town huh?" James rammed him hard. He punched him repeatedly in the stomach and in the face. Severus fell to the floor and James continued attacking him. Severus then got up and tried to hit James in the face. He was weary and in pain, but he hit him square in the jaw. The two of them were against the bar, a few feet from the woman they were fighting over. Lily watched in horror as this event was taking place. She was infuriated with both of them. She didn't take a side.
"STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!" She screamed. She attempted to pull them apart. They weren't paying attention. Instead they continued fighting, despite her protests. It was like years and years of bad feelings all mixed up. Severus punched James and he fell back. His left hand flung wildly into the air and hit Lily square across the face. She gasped. They both stopped and looked at her. The whole bar looked at her. She put one hand over her cheek. It was bleeding. James had hit her with his wedding ring.
They both started at her blankly. She just shook her head and turned around. She walked towards the door.
They both ran after her. "Don't you dare chase me!" She snapped and exited the pub. James and Severus just stared at each other.
"Look what you did!" James yelled at Severus.
"Me?" He laughed. "Touch her again, Potter and I swear I will kill you." Severus whispered.
"At least she loved me once Snape." He growled. With that he left. Severus just stood there, then apparated to his home.
He looked for Lily everywhere. It was very dark outside and all the streetlights were turned off. He assumed she apparated. But where? He thought. She was probably at Sirius and Diana's. He wanted to go there but he didn't know what to say to her. If he were ever going to get her back he would have to figure out something soon. He sucked it up and apparated to Sirius'. There was commotion inside. He could hear her screaming.
"And then he has the nerve to kiss me! After everything I had just said! Oh, and that isn't even the worst of it. After I was disgusted and annoyed but who comes walking in? James! Oh and was he angry! Don't even get me started. Those two bastards had the audacity to fight over me!"
"Who won?" Sirius said jokingly, and Diana pinched him in the shoulder. "Ow! I was just curious." He whispered to her.
"Then what happened Lily?" Diana asked concerned.
"Then they just keep yelling these horrible things to one another and defending me like I'm not even there!"
"What did they say?" Sirius asked, serious now.
"Oh I don't even remember and I don't even care! How could they do that, especially in a public place where I happened to be staying!" She dropped onto the sofa. She put her head in her hands and grabbed her hair.
"I HATE THEM I HATE THEM BOTH!" She screamed. Diana gave her a shoulder and led her into the other room for she was falling apart. She sat her down on the bed. She took her hand off of her cheek and they both gasped.
"What happened?" Sirius said, concerned. "Did Snape to this to you!?" he said, grinding his teeth.
"No." she whimpered.
"Well then who?" he asked, baffled. Lily and Diana just looked at him. By process of elimination he knew.
"No." He said. "I don't believe it." He was pacing back and forth.
"Calm down Sirius it was an accident." She said wiping her eyes.
"Calm down now, it will be alright, you just have to keep it together." Diana said trying to calm her down. It was then she noticed James in the window. She tried to take Lily out of that view. James took this as the perfect opportunity. 'Idiot' She thought. Then she heard the door open and another set of footsteps enter the house. Sirius had clearly seen him too and tried to ward him off but couldn't. He then cautioned him.
"Don't James, you have done enough." Diana, and this time Lily, heard Sirius say angrily.
Lily got up, infuriated and all of her mixed emotions combining to form one gigantic earthquake.
"GET.HIM.OUT OF HERE!" she screamed at Sirius. "I MEAN IT! DON'T YOU COME NEAR ME POTTER I SWEAR!" She yelled at her husband. Diana tried to ward her off but she pushed her away. Sirius was trying to block James from her but he also pushed him away.
"Lily! Listen to me!"
"NO, GET AWAY FROM ME!" She yelled. "I HATE YOU!" She ran into the kitchen.
"Why don't you just hear me out? We can solve this!"
"What! Just like we solved things back at the Leaky Cauldron? Are you bloody Mad?" she screeched.
"Oh come on Lil', the man KISSED YOU, how could you expect me NOT to react that way!" Diana and Sirius still tried very hard to block them, temporarily. They hadn't actually begun to fight yet.
"YOU, have NO right to be jealous of me!!!!" she screamed.
"YOU'RE MY WIFE!" He yelled back at her.
"Since when does that mean ANYTHING to YOU?!!!"
"SINCE I MARRIED YOU!! Jesus Lil' do vows mean NOTHING to you?" That was bloody stupid. Even Diana and Sirius knew that. He was clearly, not thinking.
This is when she exploded.
"Vows?..VOWS!!! HOW DARE YOU ACUSE ME OF NOT KEEPING MY PROMISES POTTER!!! You have no right, do you hear, NO RIGHT!!" He cut her off.
"Oh, so THAT'S what this is about! You're still upset by THAT!"
"WHAT?!! OF COURSE I AM YOU STUPID BASTARD! YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME!"
"You are so selfish!! You know that?!!!" He crossed his arms in anger.
"Oh my god, you did not just say that to me." She chuckled. "Selfish? I'm selfish?" She continued to laugh. No one knew what was going on. "Are you serious?" She said. "You have to be the stupidest man I have ever met in my life!!!!" She pulled out her wand and pointed it at him.
"Did I fuck another man? Huh? Did I ignore you and make you feel like you were NOTHING?" She was circling the table, with him on the other side. "Did I fucking hit you James?!"
"That was an accident, I wanted to hit HIM!"
"Well you didn't, did you? They were right, EVERYONE was right!" She withdrew her wand and walked out of the kitchen. But before she walked out, she grabbed her left hand and pulled off her wedding ring. She threw it at him, and it landed on the tile with a faint clinking sound.
"Lily!" he yelled, shocked at her action.
"Fuck you, you fucking hypocrite!"
"Where are you going?"
"Home, I am getting my things, I have had enough!" Sirius and Diana still sat there, dumbfounded and confused. They all had watched Lily leave and James follow her. "Oh my God." They both said, looking at each other.
"STOP FOLLOWING ME!!" she screamed as he followed her out the door. She then apparated to her home. It was a flat in muggle London close to Diana and Sirius. She hadn't been there in weeks, and James was right behind her. She arrived in front and threw the door open, he never locked it. She ran upstairs. James still frantically behind her. He walked in on her starting to pack. He tried to think of something to say.
"You are not seriously doing this?!" He asked in disbelief. She didn't even look up.
"And what do you plan to do to stop me?" She spat back. He went over to her, attempting to grab her arm.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" She angrily said. Her hand formed into a fist. She continued packing.
"You know what?" he said. "Fine! Go! I don't give a shit anymore!"
"Good! Now kindly get out of my way!" He was in front of the closet, blocking it. He moved.
"This is just one big roller coaster ride with you isn't it?" he said, leaning against the bedpost. "You just LOVE to torment me!" He threw his hands up in the air.
"Do you even know what you are talking about anymore?" she asked. "That's the thing with you James. You don't give a shit about anything! You want me to leave, and when I do, you say I am tormenting you! Make a fucking decision! But noooo, you are not the insufferable one. It's me! It's always me isn't it!" She yelled, shoving clothes into a small suitcase. She then looked at him intently.
"Oh, and if you don't give a shit, how come I, supposedly, am the only thing keeping you alive?" She cocked her head. James was embarrassed.
"Because..." He didn't know what to say. "Oh, do you always have to twist everything around to confuse me?"
"Yes, well you get confused so easily." She sarcastically replied.
"Don't make jokes, it's not funny." She eyed him wearily.
"I don't care." She sighed. She attempted to walk out the door but James was in her way. "Move." She said. No response. "MOVE!"
"No! You are not leaving things like this!"
"You love to make this my fault, don't you? God, James if you only knew. Now get out of my way!"
"I refuse to let you go. No Lil' not like this. You can't leave me again like this."
"Well tough! I'm sorry if I'm not thinking of YOUR feelings right now!"
She attempted to push him and he wouldn't budge. She tried again and this time he pushed her back. She was still furious that she grabbed him by the shirt and with a zap of her bare fingers, flung him across the room and into the bedpost. The bed was on the other side of the room. She looked at her hands in surprise. She didn't even have her wand on her. It was in the bag. James was surprised too. He was in very serious pain at the moment and looked at her confused.
"How did you?" But speaking hurt him. His back and neck were killing him. She got suddenly scared and picked up her bag and went down the hall.
She was half way down the stairs when she heard her husband call her. "Lily.." He feebly spoke. His voice was raspy and dull.
She suddenly couldn't go another step. She heard him call again. He needed her, she thought. 'Damn it.' She was still furious but felt extremely guilty. She turned around and went back up the few steps. She stopped again, and then went into the room. She threw the bag to the side angrily and shook her head. She walked over to him. He refused to make eye contact with her. She stood there, staring at him.
"Get up Potter!" she spoke. No answer. "Come on, I didn't push you that hard."
He groaned. She then knelt down to him. After a few moments her anger melted. She leant him her arm and he wouldn't take it.
"Just Go." He whispered. She looked at him. "What?" she answered and looked up.
"You can leave."
"Well I can't just leave you on the floor, can I?"
"I'm no good for you, you deserve better. You deserve to be with a man you love, and who loves you better than I can." There is silence. She didn't move.
"Oh, Don't do this now." She said, frustrated.
"What are you waiting for? I am releasing you from me. It's okay." He whispered. "I won't hurt you anymore." A tear fell onto his cheek. She noticed and wiped it away for him. After a minute or two of debating, she touched his hand, and held it. For a few more moments they sat there. Then she pulled him up, he groaned again, then leaned against the bedpost while seated on the bed. She folded her arms and looked at him. 'Pathetic.' She thought.
"Do you remember what it was like?" he asked her. She looked at him. "When?" she replied.
"Before..." he said. "Before all this." She nodded. "We barely spoke that day, didn't we?" he said. She nodded again.
"You were always somewhere else. I never understood it." She said.
"I know, I'm sorry..." she cut him off. If he was like that he was going to listen to why she was leaving, for good.
"I thought it was just because we were going through a rough time and that it would pass. Then I saw you.."
He cringed at her words. If he was guilty of anything it was that.
"I saw you laugh with her and kiss her. Then I knew it wasn't you. It was me. Then I thought that I could change for you and you would outgrow her, but time passed and you didn't."
He still sat there, listening to her reasons.
"That night you tried to make love to me, you remember. Yes, I cringed when you touched me, but only because I knew you had been touching someone else that very afternoon. I had been observing you when you arrived home. You walk differently after you, well, you know."
"Do I, I didn't even know.." She cut him off again.
"Just answer me one question James..." He nodded.
"Why?" There is a pause. He sighed and hesitated to answer her.
"Honestly?" he asked her. "I was afraid." She doesn't understand.
"Afraid of what?"
"Well, you, I just felt that you had outgrown me. You were always so brave and, everyone loves you and, you just became too much."
"Too much?"
"I think a part of me wanted to hurt you. I guess I wanted to make you...not perfect."
"Oh James..." She said, annoyed, but not angry.
"No, wait. I know you are not perfect. You are stubborn and spiteful, and you always think you are right. You get angry for the wrong reasons and hold the longest grudges I have ever seen. You think that I have no idea but I do. I know you, probably better than you know yourself. I know when you are in pain and I know when you are happy. You are not happy. You can hate me it's all right. I know that you are here because I am in pain and you don't want guilt. I understand that. It's guilt that holds you to me."
"Love holds you to me." She spit it out, accidentally. "Unfortunately."
"Love?" he chuckled. "What is love anyway? People who are in love don't treat each other like this, do they?"
"No, I guess not. But, if you know me that well you must know that I don't hate you James. I can't hate you."
"Why not? You have every right to, you know."
"I know, and believe me I've tried."
"I don't doubt that. You used to be the rock upon which I stood, you used to adore me, and when you were gone, I fell, hard. I may say that I am strong and brave but I'm not."
"Yes you are. Why do you think I turned out this way? You're the one who taught me to be brave. You reminded me, when we were young that we can't be cowards in this day and age. Believe me James. I know you too, or at least I think I do. You are a bastard, an absolute bastard, you know. I should have left you months ago, any sensible wife would have. But, I thought that if fragments of you were still left, fragments of our past, then we could work through it. The thing is, now, I don't know how much of you is left to salvage. Is there enough?"
He stared at her blankly before answering. "Enough? Enough. What is enough? I don't know."
"Well, you want me back, you have made that quite obvious. Why? You want me to be happy yet you want me to leave you. But, I know you want me to stay. Why?"
"Because....because to me, you... Because without you, I cease to exist. I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for making you come back up here. I'm sorry for not telling you every day that I loved you. I am sorry for her. She means nothing to me. I thought she did, but compared to what you mean to me..." He began to stutter, his lips quivering. Lily's eyes began to water.
"What I am trying to say is, very inarticulately, is that from what I have learned, over these past few weeks, is that I would rather be beside you during the worst times in my life, than having the best times with someone else. I promised you once that you could always count on me, and even if we were separated or divorced, I would go into a burning building for you. I would die for you; feel pain for you, anything. I would go up against anything, or anyone, to make sure that you are safe, and happy.." he reached for her and squeezed her hand.
"It is because I love you that I can let you go.."he said, through tears. "So leave now, and be happy. Marry Snape if you wish, I can't stop you. Do what your heart wants." Lily had her hand over her lips, fighting back the exploding tears that would follow. She got up and walked to the other side of the room. She nodded to him. the she walked out. At first James' heart stopped. That was it, he thought. She walked to the other side of the stairs. She took two deep breaths and let out one loud cry. She then turned around again, tears streaming down her face. She thought for a minute, two minutes, five. She paced back and forth, annoyed, touched, in love, out of love, she didn't know.
Her chest was heaving profusely. She walked back over to him in that room.
"Damn you Potter!" she cried. He just stared at her in disbelief.
She knelt down beside him, and took his hand, calmer now. She put his hand over her heart.
"Do you want me to stay?" she asked, trying desperately not to cry. "Because if you ever." she put her head down.
"Yes. Yes I do." He put his hand on her hair, and stroked it.
"Well then that's it then." She said, wiping her eyes. She stood up. "For now."
"But what about..everything, everything I have done?"
"You can spend the rest of your miserable life making it up to me, that's all."
"It's not because you feel sorry for me?" he said. She gave him her arm and he leaned on her. She helped him to the front of the bed, where he could rest, or at least sit up strait.
"I don't feel sorry for you, you deserved it. Besides, you should know by now that I have never felt sorry for you."
He smiled at her. It was the first time she had seen him smile in months. She smiled back, and it was understood. She would stay that night, and every night thereafter, although she did not know it at that moment. She just looked at him. There was still so much left unsaid between them. At that moment she didn't care. She needed him and he needed her.
"I hate you." She said.
"Well I hate you too." He answered.
They smirked at each other. They each remembered their engagement. They shook their heads at one another. They were crazy, and they knew it. Diana's words had rung true for both of them.
Where there is a James, there is a Lily. One simply can't exist without the other. For the first time they truly knew that, and a small amount of fire was rekindled in both of them.
(Well that's it! It took me forever to write and I would love to know what you think! I told you it was long, and I hope it was worth it. PLEASE REVIEW! I write faster when you do!)
Kaeldra~ Thank you so much for my first signed review!
Moon Princess~ you are so sweet and generous and I'm so glad you like it!
Xnedra~ You are amazing and I am so grateful for such a fantastic reviewer!
Senav Shania Gold~ You know I love you and your stories, your reviews continue to inspire me!
Musicaldreams09~ you are fantastic! Thanks for the support!
~I love all of you, so much. Keep writing, those of you whose stories I adore! I will continue when I get at least 15 reviews, so spread the word! Talk to you all soon! ~Angelxd14
