Disclaimer: See previous chapters.
This chapter still leaves a lot of unanswered questions, just bare with me please.
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June 21, 1979……..3:00pm (About 3 months later)
"Diana! Get out here please!" Sirius yelled over the fizzling of the barbecue.
It was the Summer Solstice as well as the celebration of Diana and Lily's birthday. They were born less than a month apart. Lily on June 20, and Diana on May 24. They were 23 years old.
"Will you shut up Padfoot, I have a headache." Remus said, walking through the backdoor, the sun shining so brightly he had to use his arm to hide his eyes from its glare.
Since the Potters and the Blacks lived in simple London flats, the party was being held at Remus and Nicole's estate in Ottery St. Catchpole. It had been a tradition since they graduated. Remus had inherited this house after his parents died seventh year.
"Where is that woman?" Sirius asked, flustered. Sirius was often flustered.
The heat of the barbecue combined with the summer temperature caused him to overheat rather quickly, and Sirius did not take well to being uncomfortable. Not to mention that his life didn't exactly get easier when he found out there was a child on the way. Life had become, well, a little complicated for him, and despite how much in love they were, Diana wasn't exactly helping.
"Upstairs getting dressed." Remus replied. "She and Nicole have a 'dilemma'" he said, chuckling.
"Dilemma? Oh great. She'll be in a fabulous mood when she comes down." He said, sarcastically.
He threw the spatula down onto the skillet and plopped down on a nearby lawn chair. He took out his cigarettes and his sunglasses and leaned back, taking a break. Remus rolled his eyes at him and took over the barbecue.
"Well she is pregnant mate, what do you expect?" Remus said, trying desperately not to burn the steaks and chicken. He wasn't very good at this, and wasn't crazy about fire.
Sirius huffed. "Yea, well still. I cannot wait until this kid comes, it will put me out of my misery."
"What do you mean? Aren't you excited?" he said, closing the cover to let the food cook on its own. He had given up rather quickly.
"Oh yea, I am. She…..well…..I don't know what the hell she thinks." He answered, shoving his cigarettes back in his pocket. He lit one and sighed.
"Well, you know women. She is probably just nervous, and it doesn't look like a particularly comfortable state to be in. How far along is she?" Remus said, pulling up a chair closer to Sirius.
"I don't know, five months, ten years. It's taking a bit of a toll on her, I can see it."
"How do you mean?"
"It's just that ever since she found out she hasn't been the same." He said.
"How has she been then?"
"Well, she's tired all the time for one thing. She gets up in the middle of the night a lot. She has ridiculous cravings for food I didn't even know existed. She hates the way she looks and refuses to wear anything that even remotely shows her stomach. It's not even that bad. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that she is going to have a baby."
Sirius inched up closer to Remus ear, afraid she might just hear them. "Oh, and let me tell you, I thought she was a bitch before; lately she has been downright cruel."
Remus laughed. "All of this is normal mate. You are overreacting." He said, crossing one leg on top of the other.
"Oh I'm not done. She still throws up, which I don't understand. I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be that way, especially this far. And she won't even let me touch her." Sirius said, with a hint of desperation in his voice.
"You mean like, sexually?" Remus said, shifting his position.
"I mean any form of physical contact. It's mostly been these last couple of weeks though. I think she's afraid I might knock her up twice."
Remus chuckled. "Well that's not possible."
"Let's hope not." Sirius said, shuddering at the thought. "Take last night for instance. I lean over to kiss her goodnight and she goes all crazy on me. She told me that if I wanted sex so badly that there was some lotion in the bathroom I could use to relieve myself."
Remus started laughing.
"It's not funny! I swear Moony, she is starting to scare me. One minute she is my beautiful, loving wife who I adore and the next she is the psycho bitch from hell. I don't know how to handle her and I have a funny feeling she resents me for some reason."
Remus found all this terribly amusing. "Wow Padfoot. Both of you are too much. And I'm sure that she is just nervous and you are just paranoid. It'll be fine."
Remus felt sorry for his friend but he secretly wished, secretly hoped that he was the one going through it. All the bickering, blaming everything on hormones, the name picking, the cravings. He knew he would never have that, and although Sirius complained, Remus thought he was the luckiest man on the planet. He was going to be a father, something Remus only dreamed about.
Just then they heard the screen door open and they turned. Nicole stepped out in her shorts and a white t-shirt. Remus smiled while Sirius turned back around. He was expecting to see his wife there, the disappointment immediately configured on his face.
"Where's Diana?" Remus asked, noticing Sirius' expressions.
"She'll be down in a minute, she's getting changed, finally." She said, walking over to the drink table. She poured herself a glass of white wine. "Lily here yet?" she asked.
"Does it look like she's here?" Sirius asked, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. He was sweating in the heat. It only increased his attitude. Nicole glared at him.
"Don't mind this one Nic', he's being an ass." Remus said, slapping Sirius in the back of the head as he got up. Then he gave Nicole a kiss on the cheek.
"No problem. I'm immune to it." she said, taking a sip of her drink.
She fanned herself for the next couple of minutes with a handful of napkins. She didn't like the heat either. Sirius got up and poured himself a gin and tonic. It was still a bit early. Nicole had told people to come at four.
"Strange weather we're having isn't it?" she asked, not looking at anyone in particular.
"Mm Hmm." Sirius said, wiping his forehead a second time. He wasn't really listening to her.
The three sat there until they saw two bodies come around the back of the house. It was Lily and James, and they were holding hands. They were getting along, although James was complaining about the heat. It was not typical England weather, no matter which season it was.
Things had gone smoothly for them lately. They seemed happy enough. James would be the first to tell you how well things were going.
But one thing kept troubling Lily, one thing only. It was the thing that kept her up and night; it was the thing that made her doubt herself. She felt that she had to know who she was, the woman James had slept with instead of her.
There were clues of course, and she had pieced most of them together. She even came up with a few names. Katrina was one of them, but she quickly dismissed that one. The initials didn't match up, and Katrina was dead. After a time she even forgot what the initials were. She didn't know why she couldn't figure it out. She was an Auror after all. She was good at figuring out things like that. But then again, it was the first time she had experienced it first hand. It was obviously a different outlook on the situation. Her sharpness wasn't exactly at its best.
Despite her constant curiosity, secretly she was unsure if she really wanted to know, although she was plagued by it. Sometimes, he caught her staring at him. She felt that if she stared long enough, she could make him blurt it out. Then she feared it might break them again, and she didn't want that. Things were going to well, better than she imagined. She just didn't have the heart, or maybe it was the courage, to ask him. And she knew he would never tell her…...
"Hey Prongs." Remus said and walked over to them. Sirius turned to Nicole.
"There she is." He pointed with the pinky of his drinking hand, while wearing a childish smirk.
She playfully huffed and lightly punched his shoulder. "Annoying." She muttered before walking over to say hello.
"Hey Lily." Nicole said as she kissed her on the cheek. "Happy birthday."
"Thank you honey." She said, letting go of James' hand. "Is Diana here?"
"Yep, and she's in one of her moods. She's upstairs. She refused to let anyone see her in what she was wearing so I lent her some things. It took us about twenty minutes to find something she would actually put on."
"Oh dear." Lily said sighing. "I'd better go up."
"Don't, she'll throw a hanger at you." Nicole earnestly warned.
Lily laughed at what she figured was a joke and proceeded to say hello to Sirius and Remus. She hugged Remus, thanking him, once again for holding their little party at his home and walked over to the drink table to where Sirius was standing. She could tell from the moment she arrived he was in a somewhat desolate mood.
"You know Sirius, we practically tripped over your monstrosity parked in the front yard. You really should move it." Lily said, referring to Sirius' motorcycle. She sounded more whimsical than annoyed.
"Hey it's not my fault you guys don't look where you're going. Not all of us apparated here." He said.
"Why didn't you?" she asked. Apparating always seemed easier to her.
"Well we're not sure if it's good for Diana, well, you know." He said, gesturing a round shape over his diaphragm. "It takes a lot of energy and Madame Pomfery said if she doesn't do it right…..well, you get it."
"Right, right." She said, trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong. "How are you holding up?" she asked Sirius as she put some ice in a glass. She knew he was in a bad mood. He had been that way for days. Plus, Diana told her that he had been difficult lately. Then again, everyone was difficult as far as Diana was concerned.
"Well, I haven't jumped off the London Bridge yet. But if I wait a while, she'll push me off it." He said.
She snorted. "You're such a bastard."
"Yea well, what else is new." He said, while mixing her a whisky sour. He did it almost without thinking.
"You're too hard on yourself, my friend. She'll come around, and when she does you are going to feel horrible that you acted like such an ass while she is going through this hard time. You have to be there for her."
"I am. She is just being so—" His throat tensed at these words.
"Impossible?" She asked, taking her drink.
"Yes." He said, as if that had been the answer he was looking for.
"I know dear. Just suppress that attitude for a little while. It's hard being with the two of you while you're like this. One bitch is enough, believe me." She said, taking a sip of her drink. He just shrugged.
"I suppose you're right, although I don't think you should be talking."
"Of course I'm right." She said, leaning against the table. "And shut up." She winked at him. "Now let me see that smile, Black."
"What?" he seemed annoyed at her request. "Get over yourself. This is no time to try to be cute with me."
"Let me see it." she said, smiling and putting her drink down. She folded her arms and looked directly at him, as if saying the situation was unavoidable.
Sirius thought this was silly but just her asking it made him smile anyway. It turned into a grin and then a laugh. Lily was always decent when it came to making her friends feel better. When her life and its catastrophes were in order, she was the self-proclaimed psychologist. He just shook his head at her.
"Bitch." He said, playfully. She nudged him with her elbow.
"Slut." She replied, in the same tone. Immaturity gets us through almost everything, she thought.
"Who's a slut?" James said as he wrapped his arms around Lily's waist, kissing her lightly on the cheek. He had tried helping Remus out with the food, but it didn't go over to well and Nicole kicked him away from it, literally.
"You are." Sirius said. James glared at him.
"Well, we all knew that." Lily said, pinching his arm a little too hard. Then she reached in his pocket and pulled out his cigarettes, breaking free of his embrace. She still needed her distance, what with all the thoughts swimming around in her head.
James flinched. "Well, I can see where I'm not wanted. I'll leave you two alone. Oh and Sirius, try not to steal my wife while you're at it." he said, walking away.
"If I really wanted to it wouldn't be that difficult." He answered, playing with the ice in his glass.
"Oh, and re-park that god damn motorbike! I nearly shattered my knee." James complained, not hearing him.
"That's your problem, not mine." He said. "It is parked just fine and it's going to stay there."
"It's on the porch." James said and threw his hands in the air in exasperation.
"You're just mean to everyone today aren't you?" Lily asked when James was out of sight. Sirius handed her a lighter and she lit her cigarette.
"Pretty much. So I see James isn't free of the wrath that is Lily Evans. Still punishing him?"
"No, not really. I just like doing little things to piss him off sometimes, but for the most part things are going well. He's very, um, generous, one might say. He is very focused on my needs, and rightfully so." She said, smirking.
"Mm Hmm." Sirius said, returning her expression. "So what did the cheapskate get you for your birthday anyways? Diamonds, or let me guess, a palace? After all he needs something to tame that ungodly temper of yours."
"And you think buying me off does the job?" she said, amused.
"Well you are a woman." He said, very nonchalantly.
"I deeply resent that." She said, half serious.
"I know." He smiled again. Sirius had got the reaction he was hoping for.
She sneered at him. "Actually, he didn't get me anything." This thought suddenly dawned on her.
"Huh? That doesn't sound right." He said, with a knowing look. He immediately stopped when he heard the sound of the screen door open again.
He turned around and there stood a very uncomfortable Mrs. Black. She was wearing a semi-large t-shirt that went down to her knees and thin, oversize sweat pants. The only good thing that could be said of her outfit was that it matched.
She was not in the best mood and she was holding a cigarette in one hand and her Jackie-O sunglasses in the other. She had no makeup on and her hair hung loosely around her face. Her skin looked pale, the color had almost completely faded that it clashed with her chocolate brown hair. She wasn't that heavy. It was all baby weight. Her breasts were a bit larger, and her hips a tad wider. Her cheeks were puffier, but not by much. Diana was never prone to gaining weight in her face.
She didn't look healthy. She was worn and tired. Simple tasks left her overexerted. She complained of headaches, sharp pains that plagued the psychological nerves of her mind. She was mid-way through her second trimester, and still lacked the joy of an expecting mother.
Lily just looked at Sirius, who shook his head in return.
"Hi Lily." She said, walking over and kissing her on the cheek. She took a sip of her drink.
Sirius looked at his wife wide-eyed but she dismissed him. Then he went in front of her and snatched the cigarette from her hand with an attitude.
"Hey!" she screeched.
"No." he simply said, and threw the cigarette to the ground. Then he squashed it with his shoe. He did this quite often where she was concerned.
"Ugh." She said and put her hands on her hips. "You didn't have to filch it like that. If you would have asked me to I would have—"
"No you wouldn't have. I have been telling you that it isn't healthy for you to be smoking while you're pregnant."
"How would you know? Are you a bloody doctor?"
"Stop it you two." Lily said as she came between them. Diana huffed again and then walked over to Nicole.
"Do you see what I have to put up with?" Sirius said, pointing to her. Lily just shrugged.
"Oh come on, admit that you love it when she's like this." Lily said, mischievously.
"Oh please. And why would I love being treated like shit? Every day the same goddamn argument."
"Because you get to chase her, you know, work for her affections. And she's not treating you like shit. She loves you. She doesn't mean any of it."
Sirius thought about what she had said for a minute. He came to the conclusion that she was right, but he was annoyed nonetheless. "I never thought about it like that."
"Ah yes. The drama that comes with a wife like Diana Renton." She said, looking back and forth between Diana and Sirius. "So much contemplation."
Sirius simply snorted and nodded his head. "Yea." He said, smiling as thoughts of a family entered his mind. A little girl like her, daddy's girl, with a sweet smile and wild black hair. Or a little devil, a monstrous little boy who would probably bring them to tears the first couple of years, but grow up to be a man. A man with her cleverness and his strapping good looks. Then he looked at her, and by her countenance he saw that the thought of a family, their family, was unspeakable, and unwanted.
After a time more people started to arrive. Alice and Frank came, carrying some gifts. Frank took over the barbecue because Sirius didn't feel like doing it and James and Remus didn't know how. James couldn't cook anything if his life depended on it. Growing up with house elves and money made him slightly inept to the real world.
The Weasley's were next to arrive, all seven of them. Bill and Charlie were in Hogwarts already, and the twins, Fred and George, were only a year old. Percy was almost three.
As soon as they set foot in the backyard the party seemed to come alive with the yells and screams of children. They occupied themselves quickly. The twins thought it would be incredibly amusing to attack Remus' legs and refuse to let go for about twenty minutes. He got used to it, however, and began jogging in wide circles around the back of the house. Nicole stared at him with adoring eyes as he looked to her for help. She thought about what a great father he would be. But her expression soured at the impossibility.
After saying hello to Molly and Arthur, Lily went right over to Bill and Charlie. She called Diana over as well. Diana's mood brightened a bit when she saw them. There were even fragments of a smile. She and Lily had babysat them when they attended Hogwarts, and they became friends with the oldest Weasley boys.
Charlie ran to Diana first and hugged her.
"Ana!" he screeched, even though he was a first year at Hogwarts. She laughed at his childishness.
"Well hello Mr. Weasley." She said, hugging him. When she released her grip she surveyed him. He was almost her height. She couldn't believe it. "My, my how big you've gotten."
He cooled down his demeanor and shrugged. "Yea. Well you know, I had to grow up sometime."
"Now don't go making me feel old." she said, pointing a finger at him.
"Oh, wait 'till you see what I bought you for your birthday, oh ancient one." He said, sarcastically.
"Oh god, what is it?" she asked, rolling her eyes.
"Hold on. Bill, shall we give the girls their presents?" he asked his older brother.
"I think so. Hello Diana." He said, and they too hugged.
"Bill." She said. His voice had deepened, and she gave a quick glance to Lily, who just shook her head. Bill had started Hogwarts the year they graduated. "You know it is so not fair how old you are."
"Yep. You two are old farts by now. And look at you, ready to grace the world with another Renton, or worse, another Black." He laughed at his own wittiness.
"Very funny." Diana said, raising an eyebrow at him.
"So where are our presents?" Lily asked, changing the subject.
"Mum!" Charlie yelled to a very preoccupied Molly Weasley. She was trying to catch Percy, who was running around with the barbecue spatula. She got up to look at what her son could possibly want. He mouthed 'presents' to her and she pointed to her bag, which had been placed on a nearby chair. They walked over to it and pulled out two shiny mahogany canes.
"Here you go ladies." Bill said, proudly. Just by looking at them they could tell they had made these themselves, and with great care. Lily and Diana just looked at each other, half disgusted, and half touched. They looked to the side of their respective presents and saw their initials engraved. Lily's read L.E.P, while Diana's read D.R.B.
There was one card for the both of them. Diana opened it and read it silently. Lily read along with her. It said: Happy 23rd Birthday, to our two favorite old ladies. Love the forever young and handsome, Bill and Charlie.
Lily and Diana both thought the same thing. They looked at each other again, and then at the boys. The boys them became a tad nervous, but ran like the wind when Lily and Diana started to dash after them. However, as soon as Diana picked up speed, she had to immediately stop. Her body couldn't handle it. This upset her greatly. She so wanted to participate.
They circled the backyard three times, with Lily gaining on them. Lily successfully caught Charlie, but Bill was unstoppable. She was panting and parched when she joined Diana, ten minutes later. She grabbed a seat next to her.
Bill and Charlie walked over to them, disappointed.
"Sorry boys, but we old ladies need to take a rest." Diana said, putting on her sunglasses. They shrugged at each other, and nodded understandingly.
"Alright. We'll bring you back some prune juice." Charlie said. Then they went to occupy themselves with something else.
"I missed those boys." Lily said, putting her feet on the chair in front of her, while leaning back on another.
"Yea." Diana smiled, remembering the days of paint ball fights and food experiments gone horribly wrong. Those were the good times, the innocent times. The time before Voldomort, the time before death and suffering. A time of hope.
"What's the matter Diana?" Lily said, somewhat out of the blue. "Sirius and I are worried about you."
Diana sighed, coming back to reality. "Yes I know."
"So why are you asking this way? Huh? Listen to me Ana." Lily said, inching closer to her. She put a hand on her shoulder. "I know what you are feeling now."
Diana took of her sunglasses and glared at Lily angrily. Diana felt this coming on, and gently removed Lily's hand from her shoulder. She felt like screaming 'How dare you!', but she didn't.
"Ok, maybe I don't know, but I understand. I know you don't need anything worse to happen. I know that, this, a baby, is not what you want—"
"Oh Lily come off it!" Diana spat. "I am not in the mood for a god damn pep talk."
"I am not trying—"
"Oh please." Diana began to chuckle. "You have no idea what I am feeling and don't pretend that you do. You think just because you and your precious James are all fine and perfect that you, once again have the right to give me advice. But answer me one question Lily, since relationships seem to be your forte lately. " She said, her voice slightly rising.
"Ugh, what?" Lily said, somewhat offended, but she knew Diana was prone to mood swings. Consequently enough, she just sat back and listened.
"Did you even bother to find out who the woman was who actually distracted James long enough to cause him to fuck her, or did you just forget about it like a good little wife?" she said this louder than she should have. "I figured I should ask, because well, you seem so happy." She said, her words leaving a sharp pain in Lily's heart.
Lily stared at her, dumbfounded and embarrassed. She certainly wasn't expecting that. She put her hand over her mouth and got up. What Diana had said was cruel and she knew it. Diana didn't care. She was too hurt, too nervous, too confused to care about anything other than her condition. She sat there, and watched Lily leave. She saw her run in the house, just as Peter was arriving. Diana put her sunglasses back over her eyes, when she saw Sirius stand in front of her, blocking the sun.
He had his hands on his hips and looked positively livid. Their brief conversation wasn't exactly secret. Sirius was only a few feet away. He also heard, and what somewhat hurt by the fact that Lily said Diana did not want a baby. It just seemed so much more horrid when it was spoken aloud. All of his hidden queries seemed correct, and he hated her for it.
"What?" Diana asked, looking at the ground.
"Can talk to you for a second?" he said, trying to sound casual.
"Um, I don't think that would be a very good idea." She said in a monotone voice.
"Get up Diana." He ordered.
"I most certainly will not."
"If you don't get yourself up, I will." He said, sighing. She didn't move.
This infuriated him even more. Then he yanked her up despite her protests. She was dragged into the kitchen and practically thrown against the counter. When he let go, she grabbed her arm. He felt terrible, so he simply sighed and shook his head at her. Diana felt bad as well. Guilt was not something she liked feeling, nor felt often. She was feeling a lot of things she didn't want to feel.
"How could you be so heartless?" he said through his teeth. She shrugged.
"Someone had to say it. You know who it is and you won't open your stupid mouth."
"I am protecting her, unlike some people who only give a shit about themselves." This argument was incredibly overdue.
"Oh now you're just trying to piss me off. You know that it's not even remotely true. If you haven't noticed, dear husband, it is eating her away!"
There is a pause. Sirius sighed. "I didn't know that."
"Well you don't know a lot of things." she said, crossing her arms.
"Uncalled for." He said, and did the same. "What things don't I know?" he asked, rather curiously.
"Shut up. It's not important. And you do know, don't you? You've seen her face." She asked, pretending she didn't hear him.
"Yes, yes I have. But—"
"Tell me who she is." She demanded.
"No." he said, walking over to the refrigerator. "You'll tell her."
"You're damn right I will. She needs to know."
"No, no she doesn't." He said, grabbing some mineral water. "Believe me."
"And why not? If you ever cheated on me I would want to know."
"I would never to that, and you know it." he said, opening the bottle with his fist.
"Yea well, Lily thought she knew that too." She said, uncrossing her arms. "People don't always trust what they know, no matter how certain it may seem. How do you know that one day in the future you might slip and--"
"Diana, you know how much I love you and how much I respect you. I would never. I just can't see myself with anyone other than you." He poured some of the water in a glass and handed it to her. She took it and shrugged. He was no longer angry, just frustrated.
"Well what do you think that says about James? Do you think he doesn't love her enough? Do you think he doesn't respect her?"
"Well, uh—"
"See. That doesn't matter. No one knows what the future will bring, or what it will take away." She said, absentmindedly rubbing her stomach. Her anger melted too. Now she just seemed solemn. "Things don't always turn out the way we want them to Sirius."
Sirius stared at her. She seemed to be off somewhere in her own thoughts. It was so hard for him to anticipate her next emotion.
"Like what?" he whispered. She became fidgety and turned around, not wanting to look him in the eye.
"Nothing. It was just a hypothetical, that's all." She lied.
"Don't lie to me." Sirius said as he shook his head.
She turned around to face him. She knew he saw right through her. "Tell me." He said.
"I……I can't." she said, trying not to blink. If she blinked, he would have seen her tears.
All he could do was watch her, hurt and confused, and he buckled.
"Alright." He said, hoping it would calm her down. "If I tell you, I need you to promise me you won't tell her. She has to figure it out on her own, alright?" he said. He walked over to her and pulled the wild strands away from her face. She let him do it.
"I don't know." She was hesitant.
"She'll figure it out. She just needs to look at the obvious clues. In fact I'm surprised she hasn't figured it out already."
"Lily said something about knowing her. Do we know her?" she asked, quizzically. She was calmer now that the attention was focused on Lily once again.
"Yes." He said.
"Well?" she asked. "Who is it?"
He then whispered a name into her ear. Diana pulled back in surprise.
"No." she said, disbelievingly. Sirius nodded uncomfortably. "But, but……why?"
"Hell if I knew---"
"It doesn't make sense. Talk about going backward." She said, not listening to him. "She is just so……so……..Ugh! I can't believe he could go back to her, even for a little while. And Lily…." She took a gulp of her water, flinched and threw it into the sink. "She's not going to take it well."
"I know." Sirius said, shaking his head.
"I am disgusted." She spat, getting annoyed at James now more than ever. She began to make her way to the stairs. Lily had presumably gone up there to get away from her. She climbed them two at a time.
"Diana!" he whispered loudly. She turned around.
"Don't tell her!" he said. She nodded reluctantly and walked down the hallway.
She expected to hear some crying or at least heavy breathing. She heard none of that so she searched from room to room, peaking in doorways until she came to Remus and Nicole's bedroom at the far end of the hall. The door was open and Lily was standing there, facing the window, and looking out onto the backyard.
Diana hesitated before walking in. She didn't know if Lily was still angry or hurt.
"Lily?" she asked, and then knocked on the side of the door. "Listen—"
"I don't want to hear it Ana, I know." She sighed. "I am an idiot."
"No I was being—"
"Nope, you were right. You'd think I would have known by now, its been long enough. I guess I thought if I pretended for a while it would all disappear. Like a bad dream or something."
"Lily, I had no right to say that to you." Diana said, more like herself. "It's just these hormones—"
"Don't make excuses, Diana, I know. And don't think I haven't tried finding out, I have." Lily said. "But I don't know if I want to know anymore."
"Why not?" Diana said, walking closer to her. Lily put her hands in her pockets.
"Because he has just been so great." She said, fidgeting. "And I'm happy." She cracked a small smile, as if recovering a lost memory, or remembering a recent kiss.
"I'm glad honey." Diana said, trying as best she could to apologize without actually doing so. "Listen, I am a bitch. I know that. I shouldn't have yelled, it's your prerogative whether you want to know or not. Have you even thought about it, I mean really thought about it?" she said, trying to trigger something in Lily's brain, something that would make her see what was staring her in the face.
"All the time. See that's the thing, you would think I would know by now right? I don't know. All I know is that she is right in front of me and I just can't see her." Lily said, pulling her hands out of her pockets and tugging at her hair.
Diana figured she should change the subject for fear she might slip. She didn't want to see Lily dwell on this. She figured that, if she knew that woman, she would show herself in time. She knew she had that much integrity.
Diana glanced out the window. Moody had arrived, much to their surprise. He was carrying something, actually four things, in a large sack.
"Our awards." Lily said, looking at the same thing. She smiled.
"Its about time." Said Diana. "It's only been, what, two months since it happened?"
"Three." Lily clarified.
"Right." Diana said, reluctantly remembering. Her expression suddenly soured. Lily saw her shudder.
"Diana?" Lily said, distracting her attention.
"What do you say we go back down and say hello." Diana said, averting her eyes.
"What happened that night?" Lily asked, not moving. Lily had never really asked until now.
Diana started to walk towards the door. She turned and stared at Lily blankly. She inattentively clutched her left arm. "What are you talking about? You were there." She said, as if it was nothing. She proceeded to leave again.
"Yes, but……..Diana what happened in that ambulance?" Diana stopped short. "You never did tell me."
"I'll see you downstairs Lily." She said, without feeling.
"Diana—"
"Not now." Diana said, cutting her off. "The food's ready, I think, and I'm starving." She said and forced a smile. Then she disappeared from Lily's view.
Lily chose not to go down just yet. She wasn't finished thinking. She stared out the window again. James was playing with George on the lawn. Or was it Fred? She didn't know. She smiled at him, thinking he would be able to see her. He didn't. She saw him remove his glasses, rub them, then put them back on. His disheveled hair was drenched in sweat, but not once did he show that he was uncomfortable. He didn't want Molly to have more work than she already did. She was lying next to her husband on a large picnic blanket, apparently sleeping.
Remus and Nicole were on the other side of the yard, playing with Percy and the other twin. They were laughing and smiling. Lily thought airily what great parents they would make.
Lily's eyes wandered over to the drink table to where Moody and Sirius were standing, and chatting. She couldn't tell what they were talking about, but she noticed Sirius look at his watch several times. He was also looking past Moody from time to time, and then looking over his shoulder towards the screen door. After about a minute, Moody went to get some food and left Sirius alone. While his back was turned she saw Diana walk through the screen door. She stopped for a few seconds, scratched her head, and then crept up behind him. She took her right hand and placed it on his shoulder. Sirius tried to act annoyed as he turned to face her, but when she whispered something in his ear, he couldn't.
Lily closed the curtains of the window, tired of observing. It was just wasting time. The room was dim. Shadows slithered across the walls. She tried not to think about anything. She was just stalling.
She got up and walked over to their dresser. There was an unmarked book sitting on the top, and she took it to be a photo album. She didn't bother to look through it. She didn't feel like reliving anything. She wandered over to the bed in the corner of the room. She swung over one of the bedposts and plopped down onto the thick, cotton bedspread.
Before her head hit the pillow, an image flashed into Lily's mind. It wasn't a name. It wasn't a face. It was a peculiar image actually. The handwriting, the kind in the letters. She had seen it so many times, in her head that is. She was permanently fixated on it. She didn't know what about it she dwelled on, or why at that particular moment it had hit her. But she felt that she had seen it elsewhere too.
Now her mind was racing. Where? Where had she seen it, it was so obvious but where? She felt she was so close, so close that she began to sweat. She had gotten up from the bed, practically jumped.
Come on Lily, come on, she thought. She was shaking her arms and cracking her neck, pacing back and forth. After about ten minutes her thinking was tired.
"Shit!" she said out loud and slapped the wall in frustration. Then her eyes fell once more on the photo album. 'She knows me I know it.' she thought. She remembered saying that. She had forgotten the girl's initials; the letters had been thrown out. She practically ran to it and threw it open. It was from school.
There were useless pictures in the beginning. Remus and Nicole in the Great Hall, Nicole and Remus by the lake, Sirius and Diana studying in the common room, everyone laughing in the common room, Peter and Katrina when they dated, the three girls, the four boys. After a while she had given up. This is useless, she thought. She continued to flip……Sirius and Lily, James and Lily, Lily, Diana and Narcissa, the Quidditch team, James and Sirius..….
Hold on, she thought. She flipped back two pages: Lily, Diana and Narcissa….Odd picture, she thought. They were outside, in front of the school. Diana and Lily had their arms linked while Narcissa stood next to them with her hands behind her back. She remembered Nicole saying that she wanted her in the picture so she could remember her. It was the last day of school. Lily had been engaged for about thirty minutes when this picture was taken.
She stared at Narcissa, quite intently. She raised an eyebrow at the photograph. A picture is worth a thousand words, she thought. The handwriting flashed into Lily's mind once again, but this time she saw herself not in her kitchen, but in the library with Narcissa. Narcissa was never very good at Charms, she thought once again. Suddenly she put two and two together.
*…..I know you love me. You told me so, remember?*
Lily gasped out loud. The letters, she thought. She had practically tattooed them into her mind, and she knew every word instantly, and just like that they came flooding back to her.
*Things aren't well at home…..I need you………I realize I've always needed you.*
Lily couldn't breathe. She felt her head growing hot. She actually thought she might faint. She stared at the picture again. She started speaking the passages out loud.
"I can't live like this……." Lily began, hearing Narcissa's voice in her head. "Please don't leave me…..I need you……you love me, you told me so……"
Lily fumed at the thought, running her hand though her hair and practically pulling it out by the roots. She got up and walked towards the mirror. She stared into it, tugging at her hair still, her eyes growing so salty they burned.
"Always and forever…." She whispered. "N…….B………" Lily hissed the last letter with absolute hatred. That was it, she realized. It was clear as day.
Lily shut her eyes in disgust and private humiliation. She grabbed her stomach, feeling like she was about to vomit, but the feeling never reached the point where she had to. Her room spun around but she straitened up anyway. She wanted to slap herself for being so naïve and stupid. It was right there, in front of her face the whole time.
She had seen her, less than an hour after she had read those words, and again the next day. She was staring, Lily remembered. James refused to acknowledge that she was even there. Narcissa seemed hurt by it. Of course, Lily thought. Who wouldn't be hurt by a reaction like that? Narcissa had been married to Malfoy for what seemed like forever that Lily had forgotten her maiden name. It was funny; most of her life Lily had addressed her by it, and it also happened to be the same last name as two of her best friends.
"Black." She said aloud, clenching her teeth. Narcissa fucking Black, she thought. Gorgeous, blonde, sweet, stupid, predictable, innocent Narcissa. No, nothing was ever her fucking fault now was it? James had broken up with her. Sixth year was it? Lily couldn't remember. After that she had wandered very willingly into the persuasive, wicked arms of Lucius Malfoy. Of course, he was still corrupting Diana at the time. Narcissa was the girl on the side, and now she had fit that description once more.
At that moment Lily didn't know whom she hated more. Her egotistical bastard of a husband or the brainless whore. When she couldn't have gotten any angrier she heard a loud and impatient knock at the door
She realized that she had to quickly collect herself and stopped pacing, trying to fill her head with happy thoughts. This failed miserably however, because all she could think of was James and Narcissa, together, in their bed, over and over and over……..
"Sweetheart?" she heard and shut her eyes. The door opened slowly but she refused to turn around.
"Lily, are you alright?" James thought she was acting very peculiar. He walked over to her and gently caressed her arms with his hands, attempting to engulf her in his arms. She cringed at his touch and shimmied him off. Instead of turning away he forced her around so they were facing each other. She was pale, and then he saw it. He saw the look of distrust and coldness in her eyes again.
She stopped herself from yelling. He looked at her with his pale blue eyes and she suddenly could not bring herself to scream. Memories of the night before crept into her mind. There was so much love there, so much longing and passion. She remembered how wonderful it had been, and what a beautiful lover he was. It was something she knew he couldn't fake. And she knew, he wasn't that good of a liar.
"Uh, no, I mean, yes." She said, trying to hide it.
"Oh." He said, trying to read her. "Well, the food is ready downstairs. Thank god Frank is here because otherwise we wouldn't have been able to eat. Merlin knows I have no idea how to operate a barbecue."
She nodded. "That you don't." she said, not looking at him.
"So, do you want to go down? People are asking about you down there." He said.
"Are they?" she asked, not really there. She had to think about how to react. She had to go through the motions in her head. One foot, then the other. She felt like falling, crying. She wanted to hit him, hard…….but she didn't. "I'll be down in a second." She whispered.
"Ok." He said, and awkwardly put his hands in his pockets. He turned and headed for the door. "Oh, darling?"
"Yes?" she said, her eyes growing moist again. He had to leave, now, she thought.
"You don't think I forgot about your present do you?" he said, leaning against the doorframe.
She just shrugged, incapable of complex speech. "It's ok, don't worry about it." was all she could manage.
"Well," he said. "I didn't." and with that he went back downstairs and out the back door.
Lily took three deep breaths, trying not to dwell on anything. It was her birthday, she thought. She was twenty-three. She was young, pretty, smart, clever……… she was an adult. She had done more growing up in the past five years than most people would ever do. She had no more tears left. None could express the disappointment and sorrow she felt at that moment. Suddenly she felt as though she wasn't enough. She chased him away, and to Narcissa no less.
She descended the stairs slowly, grabbing onto the railing with each step. When she got to the bottom she walked into the kitchen to grab herself a glass of water. Instead she noticed a bottle of red wine under the sink. She pulled out the cork and guzzled it for about ten seconds. Her throat burned and her eyes began to water. She squinted and made a face. It was bitter, but it had done what she wanted it to do. She felt calmer instantly.
They were gathered around the table in the back. The awards were opened and in the center of the table. Lily could tell that each of their names had been engraved.
She walked over to the table and stood next to Diana, on the opposite side of James. All Diana did was look at her and she knew. She smiled and Lily returned it, weakly, and it was confirmed silently between the two friends.
"It's heavy isn't it?" Sirius said, picking his up. "Must be about ten pounds or so."
"And just think, Padfoot. In a couple of months you'll be carrying this much weight everywhere." James said, patting him on the back.
Sirius smiled at the thought and looked at Diana, who tried not to cry. He grew slightly sorrowful at her spiritless visage. She tried to ignore him and sat down.
"Look Lily." James began, and made his way to his wife. She looked at him blankly. "Amazing huh?" he said, and handed her the Order of Merlin. Some wizards would look at it as something honorable, which it was. Lily thought nothing of it. She just saw it as a reminder of incidents she would rather forget, but knew she never would.
"Sure." She replied, and took hers. She stared at the inscription.
Lily Potter. Above her name it read Order of Merlin, First Class.
"First Class," she whispered.
Then she noticed that the usual Evans in her name was gone. She was Lily Potter……….not Lily Evans. Lily Evans was a girl, a child. Lily Evans was scared and weak. Lily Evans was pretentious, more so than Lily Potter. She was ignorant, silly, but Lily Evans knew what loss was. Lily Evans grew up, quicker than most, orphaned in her blossoming years, her impressionable years. Lily Evans was book smart, while Lily Potter knew very well the vicious laws of the streets. Lily Potter could fend for herself, while Lily Evans needed……..him.
But then she realized that there would be no Lily Potter without him. He had shaped the cold, frightened teenager and made her into the woman who stood before him………his wife. And that is what she would always be. Despite what has happened, despite everything they had ever gone through, her love for him ran deep. It was out of her control. She knew this would pass, this feeling. It always did. But she knew at that moment, that she couldn't bear to look at him.
(Um, yea I don't feel like writing anymore right now. Its long as it is and I'm tired. And writers block is a bitch, just to let you know. Thanks for the reviews! Now click it on the bottom! Love ya!)
