Disclaimer: see previous chapters.

A/N: What you are about to read, this first italicised section is NOT real!!! It is just a nightmare. A terrible nightmare, and one I was unsure I wanted to include.  I don't know what possessed me, but it's written here anyway.  If you don't want to read it, skip it, I advise.  It doesn't matter; it will be discussed later on in the chapter.  Again, this is a depressingly angsty nightmare, so if you don't want to be scarred, skip it. (I realize by telling you this will probably make you want to anyway, but I warned you) oh and by the way, in the last chapter, the Marauders were stoned, not drunk.  Have a lovely day :)

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Breathing…..in and out, hard and soft…….darkness, dead space, air, emptiness……..then out of nowhere a light, to where she didn't know.  All she heard was the sound of her own body movements, getting up, off a bed of some sorts, feeling heavy, and aged.  Her joints were stiff and her back ached.  She felt the urge to get up and she did so, still seeing only that light.

It grew brighter, than dimmed as she got closer.  She was in a place, a house, a living room.  She looked around with confusion, still feeling weary, and by no means relaxed. 

Where is my child, where is my baby? She wondered.  She no longer felt the weight, but somehow thought everything was all right.

She winded a small corridor with concentration before she stopped.  She heard someone speaking, no, whispering, and the loud creaking of a rocking chair.  The eeriness frightened her, but she continued slowly on. 

There was a mirror in front of that room, and a lamp behind a masculine figure blurred the distinction of the features, and she recognized nothing, but tried to listen, to make out anything.

"Aww, look at my little baby, yes……you're daddy's baby……I'm so proud of you honey, my little angel……daddy loves you so much…….My girl….my best girl…."

The voice she knew, the character she did not.  Something was different, off, something altered in the timbre that made it sound ancient and weary, but tender just the same.

"Sirius?" Was the word that came out of her mouth.  When she heard it she barely recognized her voice.  It was hard, cold, trembling.

He looked up as she entered the room, obviously bothered, changed, as if she was an intruder, someone clearly unwanted.  Her narrowed his eyes at her, a gesture she didn't understand, but her breath remained heavy.

"What?" he answered in a tone that made her jump.  She wasn't aware of anything.  She was surprised, yes, so much she actually stepped back.  It wasn't much the fact that she startled him; it was the fact that she heard loathing in his tone, a way she had never been addressed by him, even in adolescence.

"What—what are you doing?" she asked, swallowing her saliva carefully.

"I can't sit with my daughter?" he said, returning his gaze to the sleeping child in his arms, showing affection for it like he was holding a precious treasure.

"Daughter? What—"

"Don't be smart with me.  What do you want?" he asked, cutting her off, no longer bothering to look at her.  He picked the child up, resting its sleeping head on his chest, and walked over to a tiny crib, no bigger than a bassinet.  With great care he lowered the baby, making desperately sure she didn't wake up.

"I just—" Diana said, looking back and forth between her husband and the child, the blonde child.  "Sirius, what happened?" she said, desperately.  "Last thing I remember—"

He looked at her once more, showing neither acceptance nor cheerfulness at her entrance.  He just sighed and walked past her, as if not wanting to believe she was there.  His blatant coldness struck a nerve with her, and she grew upset.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asked lazily as he walked into the living room. 

She followed the sound of his voice.  It was when she saw him sitting on the couch, head back, drink in one hand and cigarette in the other, that she felt like she was going to cry.  He looked older, too much older, aged but not elderly.  He looked tired, worn out, depressed, as if years had passed by.  This was not the man from the Leaky Cauldron; not the man she thought of as her husband.  He was a stranger, but yet it was still him, unmistakably.

"Why would I be in bed?" she asked quizzically.  "I don't—"

"Don't ask stupid questions.  Playing the twit is incredibly overused with you."

"What's going on?" she asked shakily.  "Sirius why—"

"Oh, shut up." He said harshly, beginning to rub his temples.  "If you say one more dim-witted word I will be forced to get up from this sofa and teach you a lesson in the art of silence."

She was nervous and scared by his comment.  But for some reason she felt like he meant what he said, so she didn't challenge it.  Instead she chose to approach him, carefully, but approach just the same. Her ragged, long nightgown swished as she walked, but made no noise as she sat down beside him.

The sudden movement next to him jolted him up, and he looked at her bizarrely.  When she tried to touch his hand he reared back and got off the couch completely.

"What are you doing?" he growled.

"Honey, what's the matter?" she stuttered, perplexed and bewildered beyond her dreams.  "You're really scaring me."

He stopped and started laughing sinisterly.  "Honey? Oh, what's wrong, is he busy tonight?"

"Who—"

"Oh it makes sense now.  I get it." he said, walking into a bedroom.  "When boredom strikes, there will always be Sirius, isn't that right, my wife?"

Suddenly, she became angry.  So angry she shot up and stormed in there after him.  She wasn't going to put up with this, not then, not ever.  Confused or not, she found it totally uncalled for.

"Why are you being this way?" she asked.  "Tell me, please, why?" Her voice sounded like an echo, distant and unfamiliar.

He looked at her, blinking to focus her properly, and then smirked his face away.  "Sit down." he snarled, still not looking at her.  She didn't, instead she crossed her arms.  "I said sit down!" he screamed. 

"Don't you yell at me Sirius Black!" she said, pointing her finger at him.  "You have no right--"

"Don't I?" he yelled back.  "Ugh, why do you always make me shout at you?" he said, running his fingers hurriedly through his hair.

"I am your wife!"

"Are you now? Well, that's an interesting way of looking at it." he laughed, and she saw him take a glass off of the nightstand, and swallow something.

"What the bloody hell—" she said angrily.  "What is that?"

"Something—Something to drown you out so that I can breathe." He said calmly.  She was silent for a few minutes, watching him, trying to decipher him.  Why, she thought.  Why was he acting this way?

"How could you?" he said after a while.  He sniffed and she thought she saw him wipe away something off of his cheek.  "How could you?" he sneered, now under his breath.  Then he turned abruptly and addressed her directly.  "Get out of my bedroom, you're poisoning the atmosphere." he said quickly, motioning to the door with his arm.

"How could I what?" she asked.  "Sirius what the hell is wrong with you? I don't deserve this--"

"What's the matter, Diana, am I too loud for you?!" he screamed.  "Now don't make me wake the child—"

"Stop it! Stop it!" she yelled.  "Oh my god, what's happened to you? I think I--" she said, feeling sick.

"No, Diana, this is not about you. Now you are going to finally hear me out this time!"

"What?"

"Shut up and listen to me!"

"Listen—"

"Now at first I thought, you want to throw me out, then that's fine—"

"Why would I—"

"But hear this…he is NOT taking my place, not ever!"

"Are you out of your mind?" she said; looking at him, rage in his eyes. 

"Look that this place. This couch, our bed, these things, this whole house is mine!" he screamed.  "Answer me a question, Diana?"

"What?"

"How could you let him sleep in our bed?" he cried, upset now more than angry.  She didn't know what to believe.

"What are you saying? Sirius you're deranged—"

"Interrupt me again, my love, and I will silence you myself!………Oh god…..Look at your husband now!" he said, nearing closer to her.

"No!"

"I said look at him! Look at what you have done to me!"

"You are NOT my husband!" she yelled, tears swelling her eyes.  "I don't know what you are!"

"Oh here it is! Let me have it Diana! Go ahead!"

"Why are you doing this?" she cried.

"Why? Because you fucked me Diana. You really did a number on me. God, I never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me.  But we were young then Diana, I was only 25.  It was years ago—"

"I have no idea—" she said, panicking.

"No you wouldn't would you?" he cried.  "You love him don't you?"

"What?!" she said, grabbing his wrist.

"Get away from me! Don't touch me!" he yelled, storming out the door. 

"Sirius! Sirius!" she yelled.  "Tell me, tell me what's wrong!" she said, crying now.

"No! You have ruined me! I HATE you! I hate you!" he screamed, grabbing her forcefully by the shoulders.  She grabbed his face to calm him down.  He shook her off.  "I swear to God I hate you!"

He pulled back and ran into the kitchen, grabbing a drink and gulping it, then he plopped down on the tile.

"Oh my god…" he said, burying his head in his hands.  He started to sob. "I love you." He whispered.

She approached him slowly, crouching next to him.  She touched his face with her hand, sobbing loudly.  "How could you do this to me?" he whimpered.  "How could you do this to me?"

"I'm sorry. Whatever it is I'm so sorry.  I love you Sirius, you know that—"

"Don't you lie to me!" he yelled.  "All these lies, nothing but lies.  You did this to us, you did it, it's your fault." He cried, wiping his eyes.  "Oh my god, I'm cracking up."

"Sweetheart…..Sirius….you're drunk."

He put his hand on her shoulder.

"I know." He sneered.

"What's happened to you?" she whispered.

"I'll tell you, for the last time, I'll tell you.  You happened to me, you.  And I can't take you anymore.  You have killed me, us.  Everything about you is a lie.  Everything I believed and loved is a lie." His hands moved to her neck, and tightened there.  She tried to pry it off but he just clasped tighter. 

"Sirius what are you doing?" she said frantically.  "Please, I love you, stop this." She cried.  "I don't understand."

"Heartless creature…." He whispered.  "You were supposed to love me……"

"I do love you, honey……" She touched his cheek with her hand.

His grip tightened and she pulled away.  "Shh, don't talk……..my wife, my angel, my insanity……Who knew, something so evil……could have such a beautiful face……"

"Sirius.  Sirius I—I can't breathe."

"I know, ma chere, I know, that's the idea." He cried. 

"No—no please, the child, think of the child—" she cried, although her voice was now dry and raspy.

"That child is no more yours than she is mine……..you are no mother, just as I am not her father. And whose fault is that? Mine? No. Yours……This is the future, the one you've spent you're whole life trying to avoid."

"Sirius—" she said, the dizziness starting again.  She saw things blurry, and she still couldn't breathe.

"Now shut up Diana, and get what's coming to you…….." And with his hands closed around her throat, with not even a kiss goodbye, he silenced her…………….

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She woke up gasping and sweating in the cold, sterile hospital bed.  She felt disoriented and anxious, looking everywhere for someone, something that was even remotely familiar.  Nothing, there was still no noise, no movement.  She could feel her body trembling and she looked down and saw it draped in what seemed to be a white patients robe.  She was in a hospital, a muggle hospital. 

Her hands found her neck rather quickly and she started to cry.  She was awake.  She was truly awake, and it was now, or was it then, she didn't know, she didn't care, but she was conscious, up and about, but she wasn't happy, by no means could she have called herself cheerful, or in high spirits.  She was downright miserable, and at that moment she realized, not only was she in a room, in a hospital, but also she was completely and unreservedly alone.

~*~

They all sat there, in the tiny hallway, watching people pass by, some with patients, nurses, doctors, visitors with flowers, wheelchairs; some thrilled, some grave, others expressionless.

Lily sat perched against Nicole, their hands together, fingers intertwined, dry tears on their cheeks.  Lily's other hand was joined with her husband's, and he was stroking it affectionately.  She looked at her surroundings.  No one bothered to talk, or wanted to for that matter.  No one would know what to say besides.  They were all feeling the same and they knew it.

Lily glanced over at James to find him staring back at her.  He smiled warmly and she did the same.  She looked back at Nicole, who was leaning against her, shaking with worry.  Remus' hand was on her shoulder, and he was kissing her forehead.

Sirius was in front of her directly, and he was busying himself with a deck of children's playing cards he had found on the waiting room table, shuffling them frantically, trying to steady his hands.  That was the only sound to be heard, the violent ripping of the cards, the scratchy shuffling in sync with the beating of his own heart, loud and hasty.

They were waiting for something, anything, news, updates, but nothing came.  Lily feared the worst, but the worst was open for interpretation.  Surely death would be the worst, the most unpleasant and horrifying.  It was what was expected after all, although no one would ever admit it, especially not in front of Sirius.

Lily saw him get up after a while, no one knew how long.  He tossed the cards on the side of him, most carelessly, and walked down the hallway, not making eye contact with anybody.  His footsteps stopped and they heard a door open and close.  Lily leaned her head forward and saw the sign on the door.  The men's room, she thought, and resumed her position.  All heads turned when Nicole decided to speak.

"Do you think he's alright?" she asked in a whisper.  Her voice sounded shaky.  After all, she hadn't spoken but for crying.

"I don't know….." Remus answered, shaking his head.

"I doubt it." James said.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, straitening up.

"Think about it." he said.  "Last night he had his wife and a child on the way.  He was aggravated at times, but contented nonetheless.  He was going to be a dad.  He was going to have a family. Now he's not even sure he has his wife, let alone a child.  He feels empty, I would think.  His life is different now."

"She's alright though." Nicole said.  "She's got to be alright."

"We don't know Nic." James said.  "We just have to hope I guess."

"If only I could find out what it was that was smuggled into her drink." Remus said.  "And by whom."

"Isn't it obvious Remus?" Lily said.  "Death Eaters did it."

"Yes, Lily, I gathered that, but, who? I didn't see any familiar faces in there did you?" Remus said.

"No I suppose not." She said.  "But that man, the one she ran into……do you think, maybe….."

"He was old though, remember." Nicole said.

"Yes, but….." Lily said.  "Don't you think it was a little bit of a coincidence?  It could have been—"

"Polyjuice." Remus said.

"Yes." Lily said.

"I don't know how we'd find that out for sure, but whatever she was given, well, its purpose was clear."

"But, why? Why would someone want to do that?" Nicole asked.

"To diminish the line, I would think." James said.

"What line?" Nicole asked.

"The Black line and the Figg line.  Remember, her mother was Alison Figg, the last pureblood Figg, Diana is her daughter……two birds with one stone--"

"Heir of Ravenclaw diminished, and the Black blood remains untainted, incredible." Lily said.

"What's going on out here?" Sirius asked, drying his hands on his pants and chewing on a piece of gum from the vending machine in the bathroom.  "What are we talking about?"

"Quidditch." James and Lily said together.

"Oh, well, I—um, I'm going to go take a walk outside." He said, knowing they were lying.  He knew, because James and Lily looked at the floor as they said this.

"For how long?" James asked.

"As long as it takes." Sirius said, trailing off down the hallway.

"Damn it." James said, scratching his head.

"I want to see her." Lily said.

"We can't see her Lily, you know that." James said.

"Why not? She's right there.  The doctors won't see." She said.

"What if she's dead? Do you really want to be the one to see that?" Remus asked.

"She is not dead.  If she were she would be in the morgue by now." Lily said.

"You don't know that Lily." James said.

"Screw this.  We are not going to get anywhere by waiting for someone to tell us when and for how long we are going to see her.  She is my friend, and these Muggle doctors don't know what's wrong.  All they know is that she's miscarried five months into her pregnancy and for no apparent reason.  But we know, we all know, and I'll be damned if I am going to let her die out here when I can help her in there." She said, pointing to the room opposite her.

"Lily, please keep your voice down." Nicole said.

"No." she said, standing up. "We have been here for twelve hours, watching, listening and waiting for nothing, while Sirius buries himself alive in his own misery.  I won't have it.  Not while I'm alive and breathing, I will not sit here and watch the people I love most suffer.  I'm going in there."

"Lily, no." James said, grabbing her arm.

"I'm coming in too." Nicole said. 

"Why?" Remus asked.

"Because I want to know if she's alright, without some worthless doctor telling me so.  I want to hear it from her lips." She said. 

Remus and James left their women alone on that one.  That kinship none of them dared to break, or even try to penetrate.  It was impervious, so they sat back down, as Lily and Nicole opened the door.

It was a typical room, white and sterile in appearance.  The walls with a sickening off-white wallpaper, reminiscent of tiny daisies scattered in neat, diamond shaped patterns, so perfectly situated that it created a sort of pointed arrow towards the bed, which was so conveniently situated in the centre of the room.

Lily and Nicole held hands as they entered, but breathed as they saw her, asleep it seemed, laying flat on the hard hospital mattress, the smooth pillows hardly supporting her neck, which was uncomfortably resting on her shoulder.

They walked slowly to her bed, and their relief was evident on their faces as they saw her chest rise and fall.  Lily took her right side, while Nicole took her left.

They sat there for about a quarter of an hour.  Lily was holding her hand and Nicole was dabbing her face with a wet cloth.

"It's not fair." Nicole said.

"I know." Lily said.

"There is just, so much death, and pain.  I don't know how much more of this I can handle." Nicole said, starting to cry again.  "All this…..suffering."

"Nic, please don't cry.  You wouldn't want her to wake up and see you cry—"

"I've been up Lil, but your concern is much appreciated."  They heard a dry, raspy voice say.

Lily and Nicole looked to the centre of the bed to find Diana very awake.  Nicole took the cloth off her forehead instantly, and threw it to the side.

"You didn't have to stop.  It was the best spa treatment I've had yet." She said.

"You're alright." Nicole said, hugging her.  "I knew you would be."

"How do you feel?" Lily asked, still holding her hand.

Diana cleared her throat and just shrugged.  "Where have you all been?" she asked.

"We've been here, just outside." Lily said.

"This whole time?" she said, coughing.

"Yea." Lily said.

"I woke up about an hour ago.  I didn't hear anything."

"We weren't talking." Nicole said.

"Oh." She said.  "What, um, what happened to me?" she asked, reluctantly.  Nicole and Lily looked at each other, then at her.

"Diana, you—you don't remember?" Lily asked.  Diana shook her head.  "Well, um, what exactly is the last thing you do remember?"

"Don't make her relive anything, Lily, just tell her what happened." Nicole said.

"In a nutshell." Diana said.  "Enlighten me."

"Well, um, after the Leaky Cauldron we brought you here, the hospital…….you weren't awake but, well, you were screaming." Lily gulped. 

"Where am I now? What ward?" Diana asked, trying to prop herself up, but she felt sore in her joints, from the waist down particularly.

"Um….." Lily sniffed.  "Maternity.  They didn't know where else to put you."

"Oh." She said, nodding.  Her hands were at her sides and at that moment she decided to reach under her covers and feel her stomach.  She knew.  She didn't want to believe it but she knew.  She felt something, like wire, but not as hard.  Stitches, right where her uterus was, about twelve of them.

Diana felt her eyes begin to sting and grow watery.  "Where is it?" she asked, trying to steady her voice.  Lily and Nicole knew what she meant, but didn't say a word.  Their eyes were forming tears as well.  "Well, don't give me blank stares.  My child, where is my baby?  Is she alright?"

"Well, honey….." Lily hesitated.  "The baby, well, um…." Her lip began to quiver and all she could do was shake her head and look away.

"No." Diana said, falling back into her sleeping position.  "No."  She buried her face into her pillow and started to cry uncontrollably.  Lily and Nicole joined her, less dramatically, and more silent. 

"It will be alright." Nicole said, petting her hair, trying to steady her voice.

"But—How?" Diana cried.  "God, why did they do this to me? I did everything, everything they'd ever wanted me to.  I thought they'd come after us, but I never thought—I never thought they'd actually kill it." she sobbed.  "Why, why? Anything but that, they should have taken me."

"Shh, Diana don't talk like that, you didn't know—" Lily said.

"But I did." She cried.  "I did and I told him, I told him I couldn't have it, that it was a curse, that nothing good would come from this.  But he didn't listen to me, and I told him.  He said it would be fine, that we'd be fine, and he was wrong, we were wrong….."

She continued to cry, and after a few minutes Nicole had to leave the room.  She was so disheartened that she couldn't handle her friend so upset.  Lily decided to stay and comfort her, and didn't fault Nicole for leaving, for she wanted to do the exact same thing.  She sat sown on the bed beside Diana, and continued to hold her hand, stroking it, watching her.  Lily didn't know if it was bottled up depression or post-pardom, but she felt her pain like she had felt her own.  She got up and got her some tissues.  Diana took them willingly and sat upright on her bed, tears still streaming.

"I'm sorry, Lily.  I am so sorry." She said, sniffing.  Lily sat back down again with her, and wrapped her in a sisterly hug.  "Oh Lily…." Diana cried.  "Strong, beautiful, intelligent Lily……..whatever I have done to you, I am sorry.  You all shouldn't have to put up with such things.  These aren't your problems. They're mine.  You shouldn't suffer because of me.  And Lily, there—there is something I—I want to tell you, that I've been meaning to tell you."

"Whatever you want." Lily said.

"I admire you Lily."

"Why?" Lily said, starting to chuckle sympathetically.

"Because…….you are just so, trusting and forgiving.  You took James back even though he was unfaithful to you.  He put you second for a time and you took him back, you took him back because you love him.  You took your morals and your pride and just said 'fuck it.  I love that man.  I am his wife and I'll be damned if I let some bitch tear us apart.'  James loves you so much, the sweet man.  He screwed up and you took him back, you gave him another chance.  That is a beautiful thing Lily, because everyone deserves a second chance.  No matter what I said before I always wanted you two back together and I knew you would be.  You did what you wanted.  You chose him and knew that you two were meant to be.  I admire that Lily.  It is a beautiful thing."

"Well thank you.  But, I haven't been through as much as you.  I love you so much, Diana. We all do.  All we want is for you to be all right.  You'll get through this.  You have so many times before—"

"It's different now.  It's not just my petty, useless little life anymore." She said.  "You would all be so much better off……I—I should have ended it years ago."

"Diana, sweetheart, please, don't say such things.  You know that we're stronger together than apart.  I need you……Sirius needs you."

"Sirius doesn't need me." She said, defiantly.

"Yes, he loves you so, my dear.  You're his wife, of course he needs you."  Lily tried, but she knew no amount of reassurance would make her see it.  She didn't like the way she sounded, but she didn't know what else to say.

"I will be the death of him." Diana said, wiping her eyes with a napkin.  "He will hate me for it.  I've screwed up once and I'll do it again.  He won't recover from me.  He'd rather kill me than have me torment him, destroy his spirit.  With me gone he'll be able to live a normal life, maybe have a child with some nice girl from London, or Wales.  He deserves it.  There are things, so many things I cant give him."

"He's been waiting out here, with us.  He's beside himself, Diana.  You don't know how hurt he is."

"And it's my fault he's that way.  All of our happiness, our splendour in the grass, it is over, and it's all downhill from here."

"Do you want me to get him? He should be back—"

"No. I don't want to see him." She said, waving the idea away.

"He wants to see you."

"Does he know? About the baby?" Diana asked.

Lily nodded.  "I think he's more worried about you though."

"I don't think it is such a good idea—"

The door opening swiftly interrupted Diana.  She and Lily were startled, but Lily got up, and kissed Diana on the forehead without a word. 

Sirius held the door open for her as she left, and Lily shut the door behind them.

"Hi." He said, with his hand shoved awkwardly in his pockets.

She tried to brush the hair away from her face and wipe her eyes again.  He pulled up a chair and sat to the right of her.

"Hi." She croaked out, feeling her eyes swell again.  The room was silent for a few minutes while they just looked at each other.  She noticed how tired he looked, and he still did not bother to shave.

"How did you sleep?" He asked, although it was barely audible.  She heard the lump in his throat as he tried to speak.

"Not so good." She squeaked, trying to fight back her tears, but one had managed to squeeze through.  "And you? Did you get any rest at all?"  She said, wiping her nose.

"No." he said, and wiped his eyes quickly, trying to force crying out of his system.

"What's that two days now?" she asked.

"Probably." He said.  "Seems like longer though."

She nodded.  "Yea, I can see that."

"Well, do you need anything? Is there anything I can get you?" he said, solemnly.

"No, I'm fine." She said, then she smirked.  "Come to think of it, the room service in this place is appalling."

He cracked a smile.  "The vending machines don't work either."

"We should write a letter." She said, sniffling.

"File a complaint." He added.

"They still out there?" she asked, cocking her heads towards the door.

"Yes."

"What were you doing? Lily said you all had been out there this whole time."

"Well, I learned how to shuffle properly." He said.

"Nice to know you weren't wasting your time." She said.

"Never." He said, noticing the bags under her eyes, and the fact that she was squirming slightly.

"You could deal poker next time." She said.

"We don't play poker." He said, and smiled.

"We could learn.  And with your newfound skills, we can't lose right?" she said, looking at him most interestingly. She could tell he was trying to observe her, and it made her even more self-conscious.

"Of course not."  He took her hand in his and started stroking it lovingly.

"Your hands are cold." She said.

"I was outside before." He answered, looking at her hands.

"But it's hot outside, isn't it?" she asked, looking at the window, which was drenched in sunlight.  "It's in here where it's freezing."

"Well, I can't tell you then." He said.  "Your hands are warm though.  You look like you've been sweating, your face is terribly red."

"I—um, had a bad dream I suppose.  It sort of overheated me."

"What about?" he asked.

"Nothing.  It was stupid really." She said, taking her hand back.

"Well, if you don't want to talk about it—"

"Why did you come in here?" she asked, folding her hands in front of her.

"Oh." He said, scratching his chin.  "Nicole, um, said you were awake."

"I just got up."

"Are you still in pain?" he asked.

"A bit.  It's not terrible."  She said, playing with the seam of the sheets.

"Why didn't you want to see me?" he said, rather quickly.

"What? What do you mean?' she asked naively, concentrating awfully hard on undoing a particular thread.

"That door over there." He said, pointing to the entrance.  "They're not soundproof."

She didn't know how to respond to this.  "Uh—oh………I didn't know that."

"Are you afraid of me Diana?" he asked.

"No." she said, shaking her head.  "No, darling, I'm not.  I just—I don't know—I, I thought you just, wanted to be alone for a while."

"I needed to think, yea." He said.

"What were you thinking about?" she asked.

"Nothing of importance." He said, getting up off of his chair. 

He started walking around the room, examining it, peering at the window as if he found what was going on outside a lot more interesting.  She watched him, his every move, his gestures, seeing if they were similar, weary, and angry, but they weren't.  He looked fed up honestly.  She could tell by the way he kept sighing in and out, still staring out the window.  They heard the sound of a bicycle horn, reminiscent of a bell, and a laughing child peddling quickly through the streets.

"I'm sorry Sirius." She said.

"You've no need to be.  It wasn't your fault." He said without expression.  "You had no way of knowing."

"So you know? You know who did this to me?" she asked.

"I know how it happened, yes.  There seems to be no other explanation.  These things don't just happen." he said, opening the window slightly to let some air in.

"You seem to feel very casual about it." she said, reclining back, unnerved by his strange attitude.

"I don't know what I'm feeling right now, Diana.  I really don't." he said, as a warm breeze began to filter the room.  He tried to fix his hair, absentmindedly, and began to neaten his shirt a bit.  He hadn't changed in quite a while.  Diana sat there, still staring at him, remembering bits and pieces of what she had dreamt.  Echoes permeated through her head.

"I can't take you anymore………….  You have killed me, us………Everything I believed and loved is a lie…….. I hate you! I swear to God I hate you!……..You did this to us, its your fault…….now shut up, Diana, and get what's coming to you….."

"Why do you love me Sirius?" she said snapping out of it.  It was barely louder than a whisper, but he turned as she said it anyway.

"What kind of a question is that?" he asked, crossing his arms.

"Think about it.  Don't you think, maybe, there is…..no reason for you to." She said.

"I need a reason?" he asked, flabbergasted.  "I can't just enjoy your company?"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"No."

"Well, it's just that, how do you know, one day, you'll stop enjoying my company?  What if you get tired of me?  It could happen."

"No it couldn't.  Where did you get that idea?" he asked.

"Sirius, lets be honest.  I am not exactly the easiest person to get along with."

"I don't care.  Neither am I.  What does this have to do with anything?"

"You'll get tired of me.  You will.  And I—I cant give you what you want.  I told you, Sirius, you, and I, we don't work—"

"Don't work?!" he said, pushing himself back in surprise.  He almost fell out the windowsill.  "What are you saying?"

"I can't make you happy.  You're miserable, I know you are, and don't say that you aren't.  I know you love me but I know I drive you crazy—"

"I like that you drive me crazy." He said, exasperatedly.  He began to pace.  "I love it because you make it interesting.  If I were comfortable—"

"See, I make you uncomfortable."

"Damn it Diana, that's not what I meant.  What are you saying?  Do you want a divorce? Is that it?"

"Do you?" she asked, her voice getting louder.

"Of course not!  But if you think we don't work and I don't make you happy—"

"You do make me happy.  I love you.  I just, I cant take it when you're unhappy and I know it's all my fault." She said, starting to cry again.  He walked over to her and sat on the side of her bed, taking her hand.  He started kissing her forehead and her hair.  "All I wanted was for us to be happy, to have all those things you want.  That family, that house with the little pool and the parties.  Can't you see Sirius? I can't give you that.  We'll never have that, not as long as there is a war, not as long as I keep hurting you.  I told you, I told you this was a mistake that I couldn't have a child, but you didn't listen to me, and now look Sirius.  Look at us.  It's all gone."

"We'll leave." He said, and put her head on his chest.  "We'll go away from here for a while.  We'll come back when it's safe."

"I don't want to go anywhere." She sobbed, pushing herself away.  "Running isn't going to change anything."

"Running is all we've got." He said, raising his voice a little.

"No.  I wont have you running away.  You don't run away, you have nothing to run away from.  You have your life and a job, and friends and I don't want you to leave all of that."

"You are my life.  Don't you see that? I wouldn't be who I am if not for you.  You are my wife, damn it, and if you are running, I am running with you."

She sighed.  "You're not listening to me."

"Then, please, tell me what I am missing."

"Me, I am the problem and you think I am some—some—I don't know what, but whatever it is it isn't true, and one day you'll realize that and—"

"And what?" he said, incredibly frustrated.

"You'll--you'll change, Sirius.  I'll do something, I don't know what, but, you'll grow to despise me.  It wont be too difficult, but think.  We've only been married four years right, and look at all that's happened.  Add ten to that.  Do you really think, that with all this, suffering, pain, death, lying, cheating all around us that you will still see me as you do now?"

"That was the plan." He responded.  "I said 'till death didn't I?"

Her eyes grew misty again.  "Yes you did.  But—"

"Stop it.  Don't say anything else." He said.  "This is how it is with you.  You never used to be this way.  You were fun and happy, and sweet, and I adored you.  Now you're this—this depressed person, constantly negative. It's only been since—" he paused.  "Since you got pregnant."

"And I'm sorry for that. I am sorry I got myself knocked up and ruined everything." She said, crossing her arms.  "I'm sorry I gave you false hope."

"First of all, I was the one who knocked you up, remember?  You—you're the one who didn't want it; Diana, and that hurt me.  I thought you didn't want it, because………I don't know, because it was mine—"

"Excuse me but is everything alright in here? I heard some shouting." Came a voice and when Sirius turned he saw a young, brown haired, sweet faced candy striper.

"Fine." Diana said.

"Do you need anything miss?" the girl asked.  "Perhaps you would like me to bring your baby in here?" she said with a smile.  " I know that would brighten me up."

"No." Diana said, turning her face away.

"Well what's the name? I'm sure you'll be happier once you see it—"

"That won't be necessary.  The baby is in the incinerator by now." Sirius said harshly.  The girl looked at him with intense embarrassment and her cheeks grew very red.

"Oh—I—I'm sorry Miss, I didn't know that you were—um—one of those.  I am terribly sorry."

"That's alright." Diana said, staring at Sirius with a bit of sympathetic loathing.

"Well now, Mrs. Black is it?" a woman with a white coat said upon entering the room.  She was staring with a clipboard and had a horrid personality, Diana could tell, from the second she entered the room.

"Yes?" Diana answered, without much compassion.

"Well, considering your circumstances we are obligated to send you home after forty-eight hours, and since there is no living child with which to take home, we need the room for those actually giving birth." She said, rapidly, jotting little notes onto her clipboard.

"Are you the healer?" Sirius asked.

"I'm the doctor." She said, thinking he was a little dense in the head.  "Now, what symptoms do you have? Any nausea, abdominal pain, dizziness?" she asked, for the first time making eye contact with Diana.  She didn't wait for an answer.  She walked over to her bed and started examining her from sight.  She grabbed her left arm and checked her pulse.

"Is your arm normally this red?" She asked, looking at what seemed to be a rash that spread all over her left arm.

"Um, no." Diana said, swallowing.

"Well, probably just a rash.  We've already taken blood and your levels are normal.  You just need to rest for the remainder of today and tomorrow before we send you and, I'm assuming this is your husband, home.  Now the stitches can come off in a week or so, but I would advise you not to do any exercises that overexert you too much until then.  Is all of this clear?" she asked, checking her heartbeat with her stethoscope.

"Yes." Diana answered.  She noticed the candy striper still in the room.

"Good.  I do not need to see you again. You are fine.  Have a lovely day." She said, and hurriedly walked out.

"I'm leaving too." Sirius said, and made his way towards the door.

"No wait—" Diana said.

"What for?  I have nothing else to say.  I'll see you in tomorrow night." He said.

 "You're not even going to stay, to—keep me company?" she said, bewildered.

"You don't want my company." He said and walked out.  The candy striper hung around, tidying up where she needed too.  It was her job after all.  She looked upset, Diana noticed, but she didn't say anything.  When she neared Diana's bed to change the water, she accidentally knocked over the pitcher and it fell all over the floor.

"Oh Merlin! I am so sorry." She said, and Diana's ears perked up.  "I am so clumsy, oh, I didn't mean it—"

"It's alright." Diana said, looking at her interestingly now.  She noticed she had some candy in her side pocket.  It was one she recognized" Bernie Botts Every Flavour Beans. "It's just water."

"I am sorry, really, I am all thumbs when it comes to this." She said frantically.

"Perhaps, dear, if you used your wand." Diana said, clasping her hands behind her head.  The girl looked up, astonished, and gave Diana a look that said 'how did you know?'

"You're—you're a—"

"Yes." Diana said.

"Really?" the girl said, excited. "Oh, I'm so thrilled to finally meet a real live adult witch!" she said.  Diana shushed her and mouthed for her to keep her voice down.  "I'm sorry." The girl whispered.  "I'm just—I'm Muggle born you see, and I'm not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts and my parents want me to have a summer job."

"Well that's fine." Diana said, astounded by her youth.  She remembered when she was that young, that fell of hope.  They introduced themselves, and the girl had heard of Diana as an Auror, and praised her further. It made Diana sad to see such a young woman, vibrant and pretty, with her entire life ahead of her.  She couldn't have been more than fifteen.  Diana longed to be that young, without problems, without death, without devastation.

~*~

The next night came and went without sleep.  Lily, Nicole, James and Remus came in later to say goodnight and go to their homes.  When Diana asked where Sirius was, no one gave her a strait answer.  But, as Lily left, she told her he had been in the bathroom, and that he had been crying, she thought.  She also said she would come and see her the following morning.  Diana told her not to, and Lily reluctantly agreed.

It was nine p.m. when Diana was wheeled outside.  She hadn't slept the night before.  Then again, she didn't want to.  Insomnia wasn't that difficult to force upon oneself.

She could stand and walk without much difficulty, although much of her body was still sore and achy.  Sirius came on the motorbike, and she rolled her eyes at it when she saw it from the street.  She extended her hand to him and he took it, asking if she was all right, before helping her onto it.

No words, nothing, not even a kiss hello as they walked in the door.  He was upset with her, or rather by her and she knew it.  Neither of them wanted to talk as they entered their flat, Sirius first, then her.  She sat at her kitchen table while he went into the bedroom.  Saddened, she put her head down on the table.

She had done quite a bit of thinking during the sleepless night and day in her little, dingy hospital room.  She had made up her mind, and she decided that she couldn't, just couldn't see him like this anymore.  She told herself it would never be the same, that they would be different.  He said himself she was different, then so be it.

She missed him though, she really did, and she knew she would.  It was getting late and she was getting tired, but she wanted to, after these hard three months she needed to.  She felt heavier.  The weight she had gained gave her a rounder appearance; although her stomach was a bit flatter it was by no means firm.  This made her nervous.

She got up from the table and pushed the chair in silently.  She made her way to her bedroom and walked in.  The door was open.  He was lying there, asleep, and facing the wall.  She kicked off her shoes and climbed into the bed, above the covers.

At first she lied on her back, staring at the ceiling, but then she turned so that she was facing his back.  With one of her hands she touched his shoulder, and then his chest, drawing herself so that they were touching, hugging from behind.

He felt for her hand, and, awake, turned on his back, placing her head on his chest.  For what seemed like hours they just laid there, listening to each other breathe. Then she looked up to see his eyes staring back at her, and she leaned up and kissed him.  It lasted long and it was sweet, even a bit chaste. 

She whispered something in his ear and an instant later she was looking up at him, love and melancholy in her eyes, but also desire and lust.  His touch was warm and his manner gentle, and she wanted to remember all of it, tattooing the event in her mind, as if she would never experience it again.

The next morning, early, before the sun rose she was up and out of bed.  Her clothes she left on the floor and changed into new ones.  With her dressers empty and necessities removed she walked into her kitchen, then throughout the house, taking mental pictures, seeing faces and remembering laughs and get-togethers, parties, friends, memories. 

The last thing, the final thing she needed to do was the most difficult.  She walked back into her bedroom and stood there for a moment, just staring at him.  Her eyes began to water and she wept silently.  Then, wiping her eyes she made his way to him.  Standing over their bed she leaned down and kissed him on the lips for a second.

"It's for us." She whispered, and put her hand on his cheek. 

With one last look and the shutting of the front door, she disappeared, with a note beside the bed that read: Au revoir, mon Coeur, soyez sage.  Je t'aime.  Although you shall be free of me, I will never be free of you.

~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~~~~

Translation: Goodbye, my heart, behave well. I love you. 

(Don't hate me; I just needed her to go away for a little while.  This is not her end; at least I don't think so.  We'll see. Next chapter, practically all L/J, with a little R/N.  You're going to have to wait a little while for the next chapter, I have A LOT to do lately, but the Things We'll Never Say should be up on Friday, and I'm sorry I made you wait so long.  Love the reviews, the numbers astonish me.  Love you all, sorry for all the depression :)~Angelxd14