Scene Four

(We see the desolate, evil land of Isengard. Here and there, we see Orcs running about the tree-less terrain, fulfilling unknown duties for the wizard who inhabits the tall, black tower right in the center. The pits from which the evil is brewed glow like fresh wounds upon the earth, smoke rising from them eerily. Then, we see Andraman inside his tower, waving his hand above the Palantir, his face etched in concentration and pride. We see the Eye of Jauron clearly mirrored within the orb amidst the black mists swirling in it. We hear Andraman speak)

Voice of Andraman: (In a menacing tone) The world is changing-for the better, my Dark Lord. The old inhabitants of this world stand no chance against this force that grows, my Lord. You do not stand alone-for nobody can contend with the power of Isengard at your command. It is the union of Isengard and Mordor-(We begin to see the grim land of Mordor, and the camera slowly moves up the Black Tower) two critics, who deem this world's present condition unfavorable. Together, my Dark Lord, we shall rule Middle-earth!

(We then reach the tip of the Black Tower, where we see the Eye of Jauron- snoozing peacefully. When it realizes that Andraman has been speaking to it, it snaps open-its flames growing slightly brighter as it awakens)

Eye of Jauron: (In an alert tone) I'm up! I'm up! (Looks about to see if the speaker is close, but sees nothing. It speaks in a rather agitated note) Oh, damn it! Is Andraman talking to me again? Dear Lord! He just talked to me two hours ago-and that's when I started falling asleep! I swear! Ever since I made him my puppet, he just doesn't know when to shut up! "My name's Andraman! I'm a traitor to the Wizard's Council, but I don't care! I like to make a whole bunch of Orcs run about Isengard and lick the lint from between my toes! I've got a Palantir and I use it to bother my master all the time!" Gees! He just keeps bugging me and bugging me and BUGGING ME! And it's the same, useless garble he's been saying for months! All right! We're taking over the world! I get it already! Man!

(We go back to Isengard, where we see Orcs running about, felling the trees surrounding Isengard. As one falls down a pit, we see Orc#8 from the first movie-heavily bandaged from the tree that fell on it from last time-look up and shout as this tree falls on him)

Orc#8: (As the tree comes closer) Not again!

(The tree falls on Orc#8, and we see Orc#9-also from the first movie- clenching its teeth as it eyes the scene. He obviously didn't expect to hit anybody)

Orc#9: (In a courteous tone) Sorry, man! I didn't expect to-

Orc#8: (Muffled from the tree upon it) Oh, SHUT UP!

(We hear Andraman speaking again, and we also see him moving about the pits, surveying the scenes with great satisfaction upon his face)

Voice of Andraman: The old world shall burn in the fires of industry-

Narrator: (Interrupting with a laugh) Sure, Andraman! Fires of "industry"! I think we all know what you mean!

Voice of Andraman: (Angrily) Will you get the hell out of here, already? I'm trying to read my lines!

Narrator: (Rather offended) Well-I was just coming in here asking if you wanted some coffee, considering you made such a big deal of it yesterday! But-since you're being such a big crap head, you're not getting any! I wash my hands at you, Andraman!

Voice of Andraman: (In a voice that sounds annoyed) Narrator, don't be-!

Narrator: (Angrily) I said, "Kiss my ass!"

(We hear a door slam from far-off and we hear Andraman sigh)

Voice of Andraman: (Mumbling angrily) Stupid narrators, never did anyone any good! Only needed 'em for the first movie, but they're still hanging about the place, damn it! (Clearing throat and talking with menacing tone again) A new age of power will rise from the old.

(We see Andraman stop to watch Orcs#1, 2, & 3 forging dangerous looking weapons. The Orcs acknowledge him with either a hiss or a nod, and Andraman walks away. We see Orc#1 pick up the sword he's been working on and smile at it. Orc#2 sneaks a look at it)

Orc#1: (After noticing the other watching him) What do you think? Menacing enough, for you?

Orc#2: (After looking at it for a while) It's a nice sword, fellow Orc.

Orc#3: (Looks up sharply at the other Orcs) Swords? We're supposed to be making swords? (Picks up his weapon-which is actually a bright purple umbrella) Ah, CRAP!

Orc#2: (Looks at the umbrella and shrugs) Well-maybe no one will notice.

Orc#1: (Laughs doubtfully) Oh sure! Andraman's just going to let that slide! Face it, man! You are sooo screwed! An umbrella! HA! Quite ridiculous!

(Orc#1 laughs heartily, finding the whole situation quite hysterical. Then, Orc#3 takes the umbrella and stabs Orc#1 in the stomach with a sharp movement. Orc#1 gives a grunt before he plops down on a pile of broken blades and dies. Orc#2 looks at Orc#3 with surprise mirrored upon his face. Orc#3 is studying the blade carefully)

Orc#3: (In a logical tone) I don't know what he was talking about-it has a pretty good plunge, after all. A little dull, understand, but that can be fixed.

Orc#2: (Nodding in understanding) I agree with that.

(We see Andraman walk over to Orcs#4 & 5, who are working on armory. They bow their heads at the wizard, and Andraman smiles fondly and walks off. Orc#5 picks up a helmet nearby and studies it carefully. Then, unsure of something, he taps Orc#4 on the shoulder. Orc#4 looks at the other)

Orc#5: (In a feminine voice) Tell me honestly, does it look like my helmet has a dent in it? (Shows the other the helmet delicately)

Orc#4: (After studying the helmet carefully, speaking in the same feminine voice) No, honey, it's just so precious!

(We hear Andraman speak again as we see him walking among Orcs#6, 7, 10, & 11, who are heating metal and pouring them in steel molds that are shaped as swords or huge blades, each Orc hissing or sounding pleased)

Voice of Andraman: (In a menacing, powerful tone) The New Age shall consist of metal, steel, and-other sharp, pointy things.

(As Andraman walks by the Orcs dealing with heated metal, Orc#7 pours some liquid steel into a series of molds shaped like broadswords-but the Orc does it rather roughly, and some of it splatters on Orc#6's face. Orc#6 begins to howl and cover his face in pain, while Orc#7 covers his mouth in embarrassment)

Orc#6: (Shouting) Ouch! Watch where you pour that stuff, damn it! Dear Lord! I'm going to need some more anti-bacterial cream-and that stuff's expensive!

Orc#7: (Sounding quite embarrassed) I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!

Orc#6: (Angrily) Sorry doesn't replace the other half of my face, stupid!

(We hear Andraman speak again and see Orcs rooting up Urak-hai Members)

Voice of Andraman: (In same powerful tone) This-is the age of the Orc, my Lord. This is where they will make their stand for you.

(We see Orc#12 surveying Urak-hai Member#5. Orc#12 grabs the other's face and looks at it carefully)

Orc#12: (In a serious tone) Good jaw line-but you're getting nowhere with that stubble. I suggest disposable razors.

(Urak-hai Member#5 responds with a loud growl that turns into a roar. Orc#12 blinks in surprise for a moment)

Orc#12: (In the same serious tone) Then again-I would probably concentrate more on getting a suitable toothbrush. That's just nasty.

(We get a close-up of Andraman looking thoroughly pleased. We hear him again)

Voice of Andraman: (Sounding proud) This world, Dark Lord, is for your taking.

(We see Andraman on the surface, looking down into the pits from one of the stations and towers above. He is accompanied by Orc#15)

Andraman: (In a firm voice) I want the Urak-hai armed and ready to march in two weeks!

Orc#15: (In a frantic voice) Two weeks? But-my Lord, we cannot possibly accomplish such a feat! We do not have the means to man such a large army of Orc-not to mention the budget is really tight at the moment. Apparently, our stock went way down a few weeks ago and our supervisors spent most of the shares on a new product called, "Chicken Sox!"

Andraman: (Simply, wondering what the big deal is) So, build a dam, man more stations, keep the furnaces burning night and day! If any of the Orcs ask why they're working so late, just tell them it's punishment for buying- I'm sorry did you say "Chicken Sox"?

(When Orc#15 nods, Andraman gives a great sigh of annoyance)

Andraman: Thank God for our 401K!

Orc#15: (In a desperate tone) We do not have enough fuel to burn the fires, my lord! We ran out many weeks ago-we've had to ration our supplies! And don't tell me that we've got to burn our furniture! I just got a nice living room set from Bombay!

Andraman: (Eyeing the Fangorn Forest in the distance with a smirk on his face) The Fangorn lies right on our borders. Burn it!

Orc#15: (In a very timid voice) The Fangorn! My Lord! You cannot be serious!

Andraman: (In a dangerous tone) And why not? We're out of wood! The last time I checked, forests had tons of trees!

Orc#15: (Desperately) But-my Lord, there are killer trees in there!

Andraman: (Rolling his eyes) Oh please! Don't tell me you're one of the sods that actually believes that crap!

Orc#15: (Frantic) It's true, my Lord! Scouts report activity in the forest that is quite unnatural! They say that huge trees will spring up and chase them for miles and miles! We cannot risk it!

Andraman: (Grabbing Orc#15 by the scruff of the neck) Pull yourself together, Orc fool! Do you not understand? So what if there are huge trees in the Fangorn? You're an Orc! Flesh and blood! You've got fire and blade and steel! They've got wood and splinters and leaves! Killer trees? (Laughs and pushes away the Orc) More like an easy target if you ask me! Burn it!

Orc#15: (In a menacing tone as his confidence builds) Yes!

(We then see Andraman in his tower talking to Chief of the Wild Men)

Chief of the Wild Men: (In a powerful voice) We will fight for you!

Andraman: (Leaning forward in his chair) Swear it.

(Chief of the Wild Men takes out his dagger and makes to draw blood from his hand, but stops as he sees Andraman pull out a sheet of paper)

Andraman: (In a casual tone) .by signing this contract after reading it carefully.

Chief of Wild Men: (In an awkward tone) Er-contract?

Andraman: (Raising his eyebrow in confusion) Yes! What did you think I was going to-? (Sees that the chief has the dagger out and his eyes widen) Good Lord, man! What do you think you're doing?

Chief of Wild Men: (Rather annoyed) I was going to swear my oath in blood- like we usually do!

Andraman: (Crinkling his brow) Ugh! How gory! No, my friend, we're taking this oath the professional way. That blood stuff is so unreliable-anybody could easily back out of that one; it's got to go! Instead, we're going to sign this contract! (Waves it before the chief)

Chief of Wild Men: (Looking off to the side awkwardly) Er-I don't know.

Andraman: (Scowling) Oh, what've you got to be hasty about? This contract will basically state that you've got to serve me and only me until the day you die-(Mumbling under his breath) which will happen pretty soon due to certain circumstances.

Chief of Wild Men: (Scowling darkly) What was that?

Andraman: (Obviously annoyed) Look, will you just sign this stupid thing? It was formulated by the Orc Council, and you'd be surprised how political they really are; contradict them and they hit you with a big book of laws, some I hadn't even heard of; and I wrote the stupid thing!

(With a shrug, the Chief of the Wild Men shuffles over to where Andraman sits, takes out a pen, and surveys the contract. After mumbling under his breath for a moment, the Chief of the Wild Men signs the contract-along with his initials when Andraman points it out. Then, the Chief of the Wild Men backs away from Andraman)

Andraman: (When the chief hasn't left) And-what exactly are you waiting for?

Chief of the Wild Men: (After a moment of awkward silence) Er-do you think I could swear in blood now, or would that be rather awkward?

Andraman: (After thinking about it for a minute) Well-I see no harm in it. It won't mean anything, but by all means, go ahead and swear by blood; it's not my skin.

(After nodding in gratitude, the Chief of the Wild Men then cuts himself on the hand with the dagger. Then, he clenches his fist at Andraman in an honorable tone)

Chief of the Wild Men: (In a dramatic voice) We will die-for Andraman!

Andraman: (Nodding) Very nice. Now, be so kind and clean up your blood. (Wrinkling his nose at the blood droplets on the floor) That's rather nasty.

(We see Andraman now talking to the Wild Men, who are circled around the wizard bearing torches and listening intently-they have no idea that they are being utterly deceived or being used as useless toys for the benefit of evil-or they do, but they don't really care)

Voice of Andraman: (Maliciously) We have only to remove those who oppose you.

Andraman: (Speaking to the Wild Men in a loud, convincing tone) The people of Rohan drove you from your homes, casting you away to make a living off of rock-and many jars of creamed corn!

Wild Man#1: (Shouting angrily, the others joining in) Murderers!

Wild Man#2: (In an even louder voice) Monsters! (We see Wild Man#3 eating from a huge bowl of creamed corn. Realizing what all the fuss is about he looks up quickly)

Wild Man#3: (Mouth full of corn as shouts) Uh.YEAH! (Swallows his creamed corn and carefully puts the bowl behind his back) MONSTERS!

(We go back to Andraman, who is shouting at the Wild Men again)

Andraman: (In a powerful tone) Give them what they deserve-lay out the same fate for them! BURN EVERY VILLAGE!

(All the Wild Men cheer ferociously in agreement, their minds riddled with anger for the people of Rohan. Then, we see Wild Man#4 raise his hand timidly. Everybody goes slightly quiet to hear him out)

Wild Man#4: (In a practical tone) But-if we kill them, and they meant to kill us, doesn't that make us murderers as well?

(Everything goes deadly silent as they consider this. Andraman thinks for about five seconds before speaking to Wild Man#4)

Andraman: (Rather coolly) The people of Rohan killed your goldfish.

Wild Man#4: (Eyes widen in shock and speaks in a breathless tone) Flipper? They-They killed my dear Flipper?

(Andraman slowly nods in agreement. Wild Man#4 exchanges his look of shock into a look of pure anger)

Wild Man#4: (Shouting) Okay-those monsters are gonna fry!

(The Wild Men shout out angrily, and we get a close up of Andraman's face, slowly curving into a malicious smile. Then, we see a small town of the Westfold, with some of its citizens running about as they realize they are being ambushed by the Wild Men. We hear Andraman speak)

Voice of Andraman: (Maliciously) It will begin with the Rohan. Too long have these peasants and paupers stood in your way-(In a practical tone) besides, that land would be a really good spot to put many of our salons, after all.

(We suddenly see the Westfold Mother rapidly putting objects upon a large horse, occasionally looking into the distance over her shoulder. Then, she looks towards the house)

Westfold Mother: (Frantically) Matothain! Matothain!

(We see young Matothain running towards his mother, with a pack over his shoulder and a frightened look upon his face as he arranges his glasses. Deeda flanks behind him, looking even more frightened. Finally, Westfold Mother begins speaking as the children approach her, picking up Matothain and putting him on the horse)

Westfold Mother: (Rapidly, with much worry in her tone) You will take your sister and ride to Edoras!

Matothain: (In a rather whiny voice) Ah, mom, why do I have to take Deeda along? She wets herself, a lot!

Deeda: (Smugly) I do not!

Westfold Mother: (In a serious tone) I don't care! Ride this horse to Edoras and don't stop! (Quickly scoops up Deeda to put her on the horse)

Deeda: (In a desperate tone) But papa says that Matothain is not to ride this horse! It's too big for him!

(Westfold Mother puts Deeda in front of her brother. We hear a horrible scream of pain in the back round-a man's scream. Westfold Mother glances back worriedly)

Westfold Mother: (In a matter-of-fact tone) Uh-I don't think father's going to care, this time. (Hands the reins of the horse to Matothain) Matothain, ride to Edoras and sound the alarm! Promise me!

Matothain: (Seriously as he grasps the reins) Yes, mama!

(Deeda starts to cry and bends to grasp her mother)

Deeda: (Through her tears) I don't want to go-I don't want to leave you! Please don't make me go, mama!

Matothain: (Rather brightly) Well, if you don't want to go, then I'll be more than happy to-

(Matothain stops talking as Westfold Mother scolds at him. Westfold Mother takes Deeda's face in her hands)

Westfold Mother: (Seriously) Deeda, I will find you there! I promise!

(Deeda lets go of her mother, though still quite upset. A woman's scream is heard, and Westfold Mother looks behind her and her face falls into a look of fear. In the distance, coming rapidly from the hills, we see the Wild Men coming towards the town with torches. Knowing that time grows short, the Westfold Mother looks towards her children on the horse) Westfold Mother: (Desperately) Go! GO!

(Not looking behind him, Matothain clips his heels into the horse's side, which darts away quickly. We watch them flee the town for a while, then see the Westfold Mother watching her children go with a forlorn look upon her face)

Westfold Mother: (Quietly) Go child-ride fast.

(Suddenly, we see the Wild Men approach the town, attacking people and burning houses. We see Wild Man#4 smashing people's goldfish bowls with an angry shout. Then, we see Matothain and Deeda on their horse, safely away from the town on a hill, watching the town burn. Deeda is sobbing quietly, and Matothain's face is etched in shock. We hear Andraman speak)

Voice of Andraman: (Prideful) Middle-earth is ours. (Far-off voice as he addresses people in the studio) So-do we still have coffee? No? Well, damn it!