Disclaimer: See previous chapters.
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Sirius was sitting on his bed when he heard a knock at his door. He didn't remember what time he called his four best friends, but he didn't care all that much. She had done it. She had actually done it, and without so much as a goodbye. His misery lingered so much in his heart that he had forgotten to breathe. He forgot how to speak. He didn't know if he wanted to ignore the knocking or get up and let them in. He figured he should answer when they started calling his name.
"Sirius?" Lily cried, knocking a second time, or was it the third?
"It's open." He yelled, straining his voice. James and Lily entered guardedly. They didn't know what happened or how it happened, or when. They gave him considerate, yet blank stares as they approached.
Sirius took their looks as those of pity and it angered him. He didn't remember which of them he told, but he knew he told someone. He felt he had to. He shot up from the bed and walked hastily into the bathroom. They followed him, although they still had no idea what to say or do. Sirius just started rambling, feeling emotions he didn't know he had, controlling his anger while a vain in his temple looked like it might explode at any moment.
"Look at this." He said, throwing open the medicine cabinet. They just stared at him in wonder. "She took the goddamn pain killers." He moaned, shutting it so hard that he almost broke the glass. Lily was startled as he did this. She looked at James indifferently, and then at Sirius. Lily couldn't believe it either. The girl must have been off her rocker to do such a thing, and she shook her head at the thought. As if things couldn't get any worse.
Sirius began to pace. He was exhausted, yet incredibly wired. He was hurt, yet beyond infuriated. "Look." He said, pointing everywhere. "Look at this mess she made." His voice was cracking and his skin had turned deathly pale. He kicked the table leg of their dresser. "She took everything."
The dressers and the closets were already opened to reveal how half full everything was. He had clearly gone through it all. What he was searching for, however, would remain a mystery. "Her clothes, jewellery, makeup, everything she owned……" he rambled. "She left the Bourbon but she took the Vicadin. She left her diary, but out of all the books in this house, she took the Bible with her….." He said, as if such a thing was unheard of.
James looked at Lily with one eyebrow raised. Either he didn't know they possessed such an object, or he didn't know what it was. So, he just stood with his arms folded.
"The woman doesn't have a religious bone in her deceitful body!" Sirius shrieked, throwing his arms in the air. Lily and James felt it wouldn't be right to interrupt just yet. They didn't feel it was safe enough.
"You would think……one would think that……Ugh! I'm losing it! Selfish…..always selfish…..thinking of no one but herself…… uncompassionate…. cold….. harsh…… untrustworthy……" Lily felt her temperature rising. She certainly didn't think he would have this type of reaction. "I could….I could just……..kill her!" he screamed, punching the wall, and then grabbing his throbbing wrist.
"Sirius!" Lily screamed, halting his rant. "Control yourself. Explain what happened, but calm the hell down! You sound like an insane person!"
"Don't you scold me, Evans. I swear to God, you're all the same. You're vengeful, hateful, conniving little creatures, aren't you? I know your type, thinking you're so fantastic and then stepping all over people's hearts like they don't matter, all the while laughing to yourself about how you fucked another one over—"
"Stop it, mate! You're mad!" James yelled, while Lily tried to comprehend the unnecessary interrogation. "What the hell happened?"
"You want to know what happened? Here!" he said, chucking a crumpled piece of paper at them. It had been clenched in his fist the whole time. Lily caught it. "That bitch couldn't even say it to my face." He mumbled, shaking his head and heading into the kitchen.
Lily opened the parchment so as not to rip it. She smoothed it out so she could read it better. When she finished she put her hand over her mouth in anguish. Then she handed it to her husband before following Sirius.
She saw him over the sink, putting some ice in a glass, along with a shot of Jack Daniels. Lily rushed over to him and threw it back into the sink, almost breaking the small glass.
"Oh, Lil, come on." He whined, softer than before. "Let me at least have something, anything—"
"Absolutely not." She said, austerely. The hurt was visible on his face. She could perceive it. "You know Sirius….I don't think you had the right reaction to—well—what happened." She said, trying to phrase her words as delicately as possible. "There were no ill words in that letter."
"Oh really? What type of reaction was I supposed to have exactly?" he spat. "Oh…..she feels bad….she'll never be free……well boo hoo! I don't care! It doesn't explain anything. It doesn't solve anything. She didn't even have the decency to tell me to my face that she wanted out, that this life was so horrible for her and that anywhere other than here she could find salvation. It was just not with me. I was killing the poor woman so horribly that she couldn't even stand to look at me."
"It wasn't you. Don't say that." Lily said, attempting to put a hand on his shoulder. "She thought it was herself. You should have seen that. We all saw it." she said, bluntly, but it was the truth. "Don't martyr yourself. It won't make you happier."
"She's a coward is what she is." James chimed in. "She couldn't take responsibility so she left."
"Responsibility for what, James? The woman is mentally ill—"
"Oh Lily, please." Sirius said. "She was not. Stop defending her. She was just……..royally screwed up. I tried to help her. I really tried, but she never wanted it. She would always lie and cheat and screw people over. She played with my heart. She has ruined me. I swear she will regret the day she ever married me. I'll make sure of that." He said, sourly.
"Don't make me hit you over the head you stubborn, psychotic, bastard—"
"Lily!" James cautioned.
"No!" she yelled, shooting a severe look at James before turning on Sirius again. "Now, you take that back!" she yelled. "Be upset, be angry, be deranged, but don't you dare threaten her! She left you for your own good, but you're too heartbroken and insane to see strait! She didn't do it to hurt you. She did it to save you, and you will never realize that if you continue thinking she is a backstabbing, horrible person. You loved the woman enough to marry her, didn't you?"
"I couldn't help her! She didn't want it! She didn't want anything!" he cried, more upset than angry. "She didn't want me."
"You speak of her in the past tense, as if she is dead." Lily said through her teeth, accenting the last word with such venom that it made James shudder.
"She is dead as far as I'm concerned……..I hate her." He said, callously, and staring Lily square in the eyes.
"No you don't." James said. "You wouldn't be so hurt if you did. The woman loves you. She said so. We all know she does--"
"Renton is not a woman. She is a desire, temptation. She can't be controlled—"
"Stop it Sirius." Lily said, her voice shaking. "Take that back." She said, warningly.
"Why?" he said. "It's true. She has bewitched me with words and her pretty face. A dark bohemian like her cannot be trusted, with her dark eyes and soul. So tell me, Lily, why should I take anything back—"
"Because you sound like Malfoy!" she yelled, cutting him off. "This is not like you to speak of her in such a way. Do you really think she needs more vengeance against her then there already is? You are her husband, you brainless git." James was still holding the note, which she snatched out of his hands. "It took a lot for her to write this. Can't you tell by the way it's written? Her hands were shaking. She didn't want to do it, you know. Do you know what she told me yesterday? Do you even have the foggiest idea?"
"Well I wasn't there, now, was I?" he said. "She didn't want to see me. She never wanted to see me. She hated the site of me, and cursed me for getting her pregnant. She never really wanted me or my child, so she wanted me to run away!"
"That's not true!" she screeched. "She told me she would be the death of you. She said that, with her gone you would be able to have a normal life. She said there were things she couldn't give you. She doesn't think she could make you happy, and she thinks that you would rather kill her then have her slowly destroy you. Well you know what? She was right, I suppose, judging by the way you are now, which is why she did what she did!"
"Is that what she made you believe? She is a vile, depressed, horrid woman, and I despise her for what she has done to me. She is a scared little coward." Sirius whispered, forebodingly.
"Is she? She sacrificed herself for you, at least that's how I see it. She ran, yes, but not away from you. Without her, you are no longer a target, Sirius, and that is how she wanted it. Doesn't that make her brave then, the fact that she sacrificed her own happiness for yours? You might want to think about that when you speak of her in such a way. I hope to God she never knows what you've said. It would break her heart, you know."
James looked at Lily to hear her speak with such a passion. He looked at Sirius then to find him calmer, and sadder. Sirius pushed himself from the counter and pulled out a chair from the kitchen table. He sat and put his hands on the back of his head in despair.
"Did you know she was doing this, planning it I mean?" he said in a groggy voice, devoid of all human emotion.
"No. But I figured she might, sooner or later." Lily hesitantly said. She walked closer to him and pulled out the chair opposite him. James followed and put his hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"She isn't herself." James said. "Not since all of this Death Eater business has resurfaced. She can't escape anymore. She can no longer pretend." He said, trying to be as sensitive as possible. "None of us can pretend, anymore."
"I tried……" Sirius began, almost to himself, "I tried to protect her, but I couldn't do it. I promised her I would, and I let her down. I promised I wouldn't leave her, but I couldn't save her. I couldn't keep her from herself. I couldn't hide her from them. And now she's gone……. Yesterday is gone…….and she will never know what she was……… to me….oh my God….." Sirius started to weep beyond his control. He sank off of the chair and onto the floor. James lowered his body and embraced his best friend, who only cried harder as he did this.
"Come on mate. Pull yourself together. There are only so many tears you can shed over a lost love. It won't bring her back, wherever she is. And you know what they say…..it's better to have loved and lost—"
"I would have rather never have loved her at all." Sirius answered, breaking away. "I wish I never saw her. I wish I didn't know who she was or what she looks like. I want to forget her, that smile, those eyes….her face." He got up, and started speaking clearer, and with more determination. "I wish I never spoke to her. I wish she never came into my life, so beautifully unforeseen, taunting me. And last night, what she did…..if she planned on leaving me she should have never done it. She should have left it alone. Now that is all I have."
"What—what happened?" Lily whispered, looking up at him awkwardly from the chair. Her feet were slightly pigeon toed. She felt uncomfortable.
He didn't hear her. James was still on the floor as he and Lily watched him walk about slowly, into the living room, then back into the kitchen. He ran his fingers alone the wall, and then proceeded back into the living room, propping himself on the couch. Lily and James got up to join him.
"You don't just sleep with someone and then leave." He said in a shaky whisper. "'Make love to me, make love to me', she said, over and over again, before she kicked me to the curb. I guess she wanted a last fling, right? She wanted a memory, because that is what I am now. I am the past. She has chosen her future, and I am not in it. Maybe I never was. Maybe she had intended it all along. She can be so many things, you know. She was one way with Malfoy, and another way with me. I knew it too. I just didn't know which one was real. Did she? Did she know that every time she told me she loved me I melted for her? Does she know, even now, the things I would do for her? Does she care?"
Lily began to cry too at his honesty and pain. She did it silently, so as not to interrupt, but James saw. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw, and felt her pain too.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…." They heard, out of the blue, and when they looked up they all saw Nicole come in and take off her robes. "Oh Sirius…." She started, compassionately. She saw his face and the way she carried himself. Remus looked at her and wondered how she had such dead on enquiries.
Sirius was silent, so deep in his own thoughts that he couldn't even manage a nod. The two walked over and stood behind Lily, who was kneeling down on the floor next to the couch. James and Remus hugged while Nicole took Lily's hand and crouched down next to her.
"Do you have…" Nicole cleared her throat. "I mean, do you know where she might have gone?" She asked this to Lily more so than Sirius. Lily just shrugged and buried her face in Nicole's shoulder. Nicole put her hand on the back of her head, knowing she wouldn't get an answer anyway. James looked at the ground, as if not acknowledging the question.
They all watched as Sirius got up again. He didn't look at any of them. He didn't flinch or sniff or cry anymore. He looked drone like and mechanical in his step as he walked into his bedroom. He looked around as if he was in a strange place, foreign to him and never really observed. He looked at the small pile of clothes she had left on the floor, after she had surrendered to him. He cursed her under his breath. She left those here to punish me, he thought. 'I will never be free of you' he thought, hearing her voice in his head, sensual and provocative in tone, as if daring him to come after her.
"Well, you were right about one thing….." he began, out loud, clenching his fists. "I will be free of you." He whispered. Then, he quickly grabbed her discarded clothes and threw them in the nearest trash basket. He then looked around again with cat-like precision, his instincts drawing him to their dresser, where a small portrait of them on their wedding day was daintily perched.
A loud and high pitch crash jolted Lily and the others in the living room, and made Nicole grab her chest out of shock and surprise. As Sirius emerged from the room, he looked strait at Remus, who was looking at him with pity and perplexity.
Sirius was panting now. He didn't know if he had gone crazy or if he was the most rational he had ever been. "You're good with memory charms, aren't you Moony?" he asked, quickening his step back into his kitchen. They heard another crash, and a harsh thud as another picture frame fell off the mantle and onto the porcelain tile.
"Huh? What—"Remus asked, before Sirius interrupted him again.
"Obliviate me." He said as he neared Remus face. Remus looked at him fearfully.
"What—"
"Obliviate me. It's the only way. Don't you all see that?" he said, looking around at all their transparent faces, filled with horror. "It's the only way……" Sirius kept repeating this and shaking his head, as if he had just had the strongest epiphany.
"Padfoot, hold on." Remus said, warily. "Think about what you're saying—"
"I know exactly what I'm saying!" he yelled, and Remus jumped back.
"Padfoot, please." James said. "Stop it. You're hurting yourself. You're not thinking clearly—"
"I am thinking clearer than I have thought in years." He said with a sort of sinister superiority. "She wanted to be gone, well I'm doing it! I want her out of me!" he shouted. "I want her gone! Don't you see?"
"Sirius, listen to us, please." Nicole said, pleadingly. "Without your memory, she will never exist for you again—"
"I know that, Nicole. If she does not exist, I will never feel this way again. If she is not real, I can breathe. I can sleep." He said. His eyes were bloodshot now. "I want these years erased, gone, poof!" he said, throwing his arms in the air.
"What about your dreams, Sirius?" Remus said. "What about everything you've built your life around. All you've accomplished, and wanted—"
"Dreams? What dreams? I remember no dreams. I remember heartache and pain. You remember how I got her in the first place. You all remember." He paused for a minute, as if reflecting upon some lost recollection or thought. "She just wouldn't stop crying…….." he started to tear up again. "I don't want it. Take it away. James, Lily, any of you……just take her away……." Sirius leaned over the counter and propped his head up with his elbows.
Lily got up from the floor. She was the only one who dared move from her position. She walked slowly, but tenaciously. Sirius saw her approach and turned. His eyes were crimson with salty tears. "Lily….." he sniffled. "Please….." he took her hand, and silently begged her.
"No." she said, cleanly. "I will do no such thing." She whispered, and he hung his head down in shame and disappointment. "Sirius……Sirius look at me." She said, kindly. He picked his head up reluctantly and stared at her, waiting for what she had to say. "What do you think will happen if I do this, if any of us do this? Do you think you'll be happy? Do you think you'll feel complete?"
"I don't know." He murmured. "I just want to feel anything but this."
"I know." She sighed. "But what about us? We'll all know. Are we supposed to just go the rest of our lives and never speak of her? Are we supposed to forget her too? She married you, but she touched all of us, in some twisted way. She left all of us."
"But…..she is my wife. I promised her: In sickness and in health, 'till death….. And if she's sick…….she should have come to me. That's what I don't understand. That night, in the Hogwarts hospital bed, she made me promise I would never leave her, ever, and I did. Never would I have known…. how could I?" he trailed off.
"We could take you out of here." Remus suggested. Nicole's head propped up.
"Yes. You can come stay with us, if you like." She said. "We would love to have you stay."
Sirius shook his head. "No. Best leave me here. I just…..need to be alone. If you don't mind, I need to be by myself now. You can go. I'm sorry for keeping you here." He said this as if he was ashamed of his honesty. He was ashamed of how damaged he was.
"What? Are you sure?" Lily said, rubbing his shoulder in a motherly fashion. "We'll stay all day, if you want."
"Padfoot, if you want us to stay, don't be ashamed—" James said.
"I am not ashamed." Sirius said, cutting him off. "Go back to your lives. It looks like it is going to be a beautiful morning. Just go. Leave me here to wallow in my misery."
"Don't talk like that, mate." James said. "Please. Let us stay with you."
"I said leave." He said, insensitively. Then he strode back into his bedroom and slammed the door. The four who were remaining looked at each other, so distraught at their friend's pain that they couldn't even look at each other.
Lily was the first to step out, and the rest grudgingly followed her out the front door. She stood a moment, contemplating what to do. Then she turned and addressed them all.
"Come back to our place. We'll talk there." She said.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Dear Lily,
By the time you read this I will have been long gone. He has done what I thought he would, and I am writing this on your doorstep. You aren't home, however, and the sun is barely over the horizon. I don't know what time it is. Surreal, is it not?
I'm sorry, Lily. I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough. I'm sorry I'm not like you and couldn't work it out. You can't imagine what I feel now, and I pray you never do. I did it for us, well, he and I. It will all be better now, you'll all see. You are probably thinking so many terrible things about me now, and they're all probably true, to a degree. I couldn't do it. I'm scared, and I hate myself. So much bluntness for what is supposed to be my short, little goodbye note. Pathetic, isn't it, and rather cliché, no? But, I had to. You didn't think I'd forget about you, did you? Or Nicole, or Remus, or James? You are all my family, and I love each of you. You may not miss me, and that's all right. You are resilient, and will get along fine when you get used to not having me to nag about.
He is furious with me, isn't he? I know. It took me about an hour to leave my front step; at least I think it was an hour. I saw him. For one last time I saw him, and I saw what I knew I would see. He frightened me, so I dashed. You should have seen his face, well, by now you probably have. I ran away, me, the brave one, you said. I'm sorry I could not do this in person, but I knew you'd force me back, and we'd be in an even bigger mess. He is better off now, I hope. I will be a figment in a matter of days. He can breathe, at last. My masquerade is over, but only to commence a new one. Back where I started. The stairways to the mounds may make the wretched sigh, they say. The wings of the Mill will always shelter us. Our friendship will always be, and I will always think of you. I just ask you one thing. Think of me sometimes, will you? Remember me, just once and a while. Think of all we have shared and seen. Recall what might have been. There will never be a day when I won't think of all of you. Je vous manquerai (I will miss you), Lily. Etre bien(be well).
~Diana~"
"Well, that explains it." Nicole said, as she tossed the letter on the counter in Lily and James' flat. "She ran away. I knew it."
"What are we going to do with him? He's going mad." Remus sighed.
"They're both mad, if you ask me." James said. "They both think they're the problem. Self loathing had ruined their marriage."
"As apposed to loathing each other." Lily said. "Paranoia screws people up."
"But where did she go? That's what I don't understand. She has no family left—" Remus said.
"Yes, she does." James finished, and even Lily looked at him oddly. "Well, doesn't she have a grandmother somewhere?" he said, pretending he was uninformed.
"She's dead, James." Lily clarified. "Well," and Lily thought about it for a moment. "At least I think she is. We haven't seen her since third year of Hogwarts." Then Lily counted the years on her fingers. "Yes, she must be dead by now."
"Oh." James said. "Yes, of course."
"She took all of her things? She didn't leave anything?" Nicole asked.
"You saw it, Nic." Lily said. "She left some. She didn't want a trace of her left behind, I guess."
"But she left her diary." Remus said.
"I guess she just took the necessities. She wanted to put it behind her, so she took all she could. Everything that meant something to her, I suppose."
"Yes, everything." James repeated. "Her possessions, and his love." He looked around at the sullen faces. "Hey." He said. "At least she didn't take his money, then he'd really have something to cry about."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lucius Malfoy quietly unlocked the front door of his mansion and stepped into the hall. The lights were all off, but he hadn't bothered to turn them on at that late hour. The sun already began to peek out through his window, and as he closed the door behind him, the shades opened, magically.
The meeting had gone well, he thought. It was the usual. He inattentively undid the clasp of his black robes and through them into the closet next to the mirror in the front hallway. There was a feeling in him that made him act differently that night. He hadn't said much, nor contributed much. It was a feeling he didn't really understand. He had never felt it before. His stomach was turning and his head ached.
He felt alone, to a degree. Severus had acquired an apartment just outside of Diagon Alley, so Lucius had no one to really talk to. He undid the first button of his neatly pressed, collared shirt and strode wearily into his kitchen. He found his wife sitting at the table with her head down and her arms cradling it. Her chest was heaving in and out, with loud sniffing noises interrupting the deathly serene atmosphere of the place. She was crying.
He paid no attention to her. He walked over to the cabinet and opened it loudly. The creaking startled her and she sat up immediately.
"When—when did you get in?" she spoke, wiping her nose and her eyes, as if he hadn't noticed.
"Just now." He yawned, and pulled out a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. He took a glass from the cabinet next to it, and the wine made a loud, pouring noise that echoed. Narcissa then pretended to be reading the book that was thrown to the side. She opened it and skimmed the same line over and over again.
"Still sulking?" he asked, rolling his eyes at his pathetic wife. Well, in his eyes she was pathetic.
"What are you talking about?" she asked, trying to sound naive.
"Never mind. Shut up." He said, and took a swig of the bottle before restoring it to its proper place. "Why aren't you asleep?"
"I'm not tired." She answered.
"Whatever." He responded, and took the glass off of the counter. He then went into his study, which was adjoined to the kitchen. He lazily pulled out his swivel chair and began on some paper work for his day job at the Ministry.
About five minutes later he heard her sob again. He became angry and thrust his chair back forcefully and threw open the door. "What?" he said, tightening his face and putting his hands at his sides, fists clenching.
"N—nothing." She said meekly. "Go back to work."
"Well, I can't work with you blubbering in here all night." He said. "Stop it."
"I—I can't." she cried. "I'm sorry."
"Like hell you are." He said, and walked up behind her. "Now either get up and finish your silly little book elsewhere, or……" he began, changing his tone. He put his coarse hands tightly around her shoulders. "We can both forget about work and go to bed."
"Don't touch me." She whispered, wriggling herself free.
He kept his hands where they were, and only tightened his grip. "Don't talk back to me, Narcissa." He said, breathing heavily in her ear. "It's not like you have anything to fall back on."
"Get away from me." She said. "Don't touch me. Don't you ever touch me again." She said, in a shaky whisper. He released her and simply shook his head. He was too preoccupied to bother with her that morning. He threw the remains of the wine into the sink, and placed the glass on the edge.
"Useless." He sighed. "Fine then. Stay here and cry and read your silly little fiction. You're only good for one thing, Narcissa, and I am your husband. You know what happens when a wife does not do as she is told. Must we go through this again?" He said, folding his arms and leaning back, as if he were talking to a child.
She just stared at him with the utmost loathing. "I hate you." She whispered, looking him strait in the eye.
"Excuse me?" he answered, in disbelief, and daring her to repeat it.
"I hate you." She said louder. "I loathe you. I despise you, and I curse the day I ever married you. You are a horrible, deceitful man, incapable of everything but causing pain on others. I detest your very presence." She said, rising slightly from her chair. "And if you ever come near me again, I'll—"
She never did get to finish that sentence, for at that moment Lucius rushed towards her and slammed her back down into her chair. She had the look of fear on her countenance now. He hung onto her arms so tightly she thought she might go numb. Breathing hard, he raised his hands up to her neck, and jerked her backwards, slamming her back against the stiff bars of the chair.
He then slowly put his large hands on either side of her skull, pushing inward until she squeaked in pain. She began to shake until he quickly grabbed the sidebars of the chair and pushed it swiftly out, turning it a full 180 degrees so he was staring her in the face.
"Or you'll what?" he asked, audaciously. She didn't respond. She was too stricken with fear and hate to even look at him. So, instead, he slapped her forcefully, right across her face. She screamed and put her hand against it, hiding the red handprint that slowly began to form under her touch. Tears continued to stream down her face. "That's what I thought." He said, in triumph.
She felt her cheek swell and her underarms sweat. She leaned back and put both hands over her head. "This is not what I wanted." She whispered, but he still heard her. He backed up a few steps so that she could move.
"Yes, well, you're not exactly what I wanted either." He said, walking back into his office, but leaving the door open.
She got up slowly, trying not to fall. She shuffled over to the side mirror on the wall and looked at her reflection. What she saw made her cringe. This is what I have become, she thought, and could stand it no longer.
"Of course not." She said. "You never did, did you?" she said, going close enough to his office door so that he could see her clearly.
"Are you still talking?" he said, rubbing his temples and picking up his quill. "This conversation is over."
"You never wanted me." She repeated, answering her own question. "You don't love me. Do you?"
He sighed loudly and tossed the quill to the side. "Ugh, Narcissa. You are living in a dream world. But, no, if you must know, I don't love you. There. Happy?"
"I want a divorce." She said, in between sniffles.
"Well, you're not getting one." He said, casually. "Not until I am dead will I be gone from you."
"Then why torture me?" she asked, pleadingly. "Why can't you just set me free?" she yelled. "I am dying because of you."
"Then die, for all I care." He said, indifferently. "At least it will shut you up."
"You're a monster." She said.
"Deal with it. Now I am growing impatient, Cissa. Are you quite finished?"
"Have you even loved anything?" she said, disregarding his comment. "You can hate. So you must love something, besides yourself, I mean. You have guilt. I can see it on your face."
"What have I to be guilty of?" he said, getting up once more. "You speak of things you will never understand." He said, his voice getting louder.
"Oh I understand them perfectly." She spat back. "You are so used to having everything thing you want. You're inheritance, your job, your little inner circle is all yours. Well, you got what you wanted, didn't you? You got back at your ex-fiancée. What else is there? You don't love me. You don't care what happens to me? So what is there?" She threw her arms up in the air.
"It is none of your business!" he screamed. "You of all people know how much I hate that—that woman! Now go away!"
"It didn't work!" Narcissa yelled back. "Your little plan backfired! She didn't marry you. She married Black, got it? And you hate that because it means that you were wrong, that you didn't have as much power over her as you thought, despite how you branded her."
"As much as I would just love to have this little waltz down memory lane, Narcissa, I'm going to bed." He said with his arms folded. "You are a walking contradiction."
Narcissa began to laugh as he passed her. It was a soft chuckle at first but then turned into a high-pitched shrill as he tried to ignore her. She only laughed harder and louder at him, and he pinned her against the wall in hopes of silencing her. She was not only laughing at him. She was laughing at herself to, for being no naïve and ignorant to the world before Lucius Malfoy. Her heart ached and yearned for James Potter, but she knew his heart lied with his wife, and not with her. Her melancholy turned to depression, and at that moment, madness.
"You…….still love her, don't you?" she asked, and his response was pinning her harder to the wall and wrapping her neck in his hands.
"Quiet." He said.
She laughed wearily and with a sort of wheezy sound, and then she threw her head back. "What am I saying? Of course you still love her. How could you have so much hatred for her if you did not?" she said, and the deliberate frankness struck a nerve with him. He became incredibly stimulated.
He stepped back a few feet from his wife, who was limp from exhaustion and fear. He grabbed hold of her right arm and jerked her towards him. He kissed her savagely, against her will, while she tried to pull away. His strength overpowered hers and he lifted her up off the ground, kicking and screaming.
"Let go of me! Let go of me!" she yelled, using up all the strength she had. He had a tight hold on her and marched her up the stairs with incredible determination. She screamed out of pain and forced pleasure as he tossed her ripped clothes to the floor.
This made Narcissa realize that she should keep her mouth shut about such things, for the unsaid seemed to be more favoured by him above all else. This was how Lucius took out his frustrations, which she well knew. Little did she know the anger was only meant to punish her slightly, for he pictured someone else in his wife's place.
And somewhere else, not too far away, a woman woke up on a train with a sharp pain between her legs and pearls of sweat on her forehead. Her eyes were salty with tears and her hair was a wild brown mane, untidily kept and stinging from the amount of times she pulled it by the roots. She took a moment to remember herself, as the man across from her gave her an unpleasant look.
One of the four that resided in the Potter household knew of her whereabouts, unconsciously. Hidden well, they remained ignorant like the rest, while each deciding what to do about their poor, heartbroken friend across town. When a bright snowy owl flew in the open kitchen window, the four looked at each other and groaned, not feeling much affection for the mail lately. Lily opened it because she didn't recognize the handwriting. She threw the envelope on the floor, and when she was finished, started laughing, putting her hands over her mouth.
"Oh Christ, what now?" Nicole moaned, leaning against the wall.
Lily stopped long enough to wipe an amused tear away from her eyelid. "Well…" she began, clearing her throat, and creasing the letter in half. "If you must know…." She laughed again, and put her hand over her heart. "Frank and Alice…..they're getting married." She said, and started laughing again. After a minute, James joined in with her, while Remus and Nicole just started at each other in mutual misunderstanding.
James stopped a little before Lily and then leaned on his counter. "I give it a month."
"You know what I was thinking about before?" Lily said, randomly.
"Haven't the slightest idea." Nicole said.
"Where's Peter?" she said, and suddenly, nothing was funny anymore.
