Scene Twenty-One

(We now go back to Jimagorn, who is still riding through the plains upon the mysterious horse that appeared to help him. Jimagorn looks horribly weak, but he's able to stay on the horse, trying to ride to Helm's Deep to join the companions who believe him for lost. Suddenly, as Jimagorn rides over a hill, he looks back and his eyes widen. We suddenly see the black mass that is Andraman's army marching to Helm's Deep. Jimagorn looks rather surprised at this-the land of Rohan may already be out of time!)

Jimagorn: (In a quiet, shocked voice) Fates save us! (Puts a hand to his chest and speaks in a confident whisper) Man, I'm sexy!

(Now we see Jimagorn ride up to Helm's Deep-we see a few guards posted at the wall of the entrance, but everybody else is inside the fortress, formulating their own plans. Jimagorn gives a content sigh)

Jimagorn: (In a relieved tone) Helm's Deep! Food-shelter-(Runs a hand through his hair) Hair gel! Lord, let there be hair gel!

(We see a confident, tall riding Jimagorn ride up the ramp to Helm's Deep, the guards double-taking at his passing-not only is he a stranger to the compound, but he was supposedly among the dead. Jimagorn enters the keep casually, as if pulling into an ordinary tavern. We see many of the citizens gathered about him actually whisper aloud their exclamations of surprise at the returning Man. Then, we hear Brimli shout from the back of the group)

Brimli: (Angrily) Where is he? Where is he? I'm gonna-!

(Brimli roughly pushes Citizen of Edoras#16 aside)

Brimli: (Off handedly) Short Dwarf with an axe, coming through!

Citizen of Edoras#16: (Angrily) I do not take such treatment from a Dwarf!

Brimli: (Coolly) New age, buddy! Get used to it! (Resumes shouting as she pushes her way through the gawking crowd) Where is that son of a crap? When I see him, I'm going to-!

(Brimli approaches Jimagorn, who dismounts and stares at the Dwarf with a bemused expression upon his face)

Jimagorn: (Casually) How's it goin'?

Brimli: (Shocked) What do you mean, "how's it goin'?" I'll tell you how it's goin'! We worked so freakin' hard to fight those Warg freaks, presumed you as dead, came here for some reprieve, and everybody's been moping about in a grim fiasco! I told King Kevoden my famous pirate joke and he didn't even snicker-not a grin passed upon his lips!

Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow) You mean the one about the eyepatch?

Brimli: (Nodding quickly) Yeah!

Jimagorn: (In an assuring voice) Oh, Brimli, that's not funny.

Brimli: (Frowning) Oh.well.(Resuming her angry tone) Jimagorn, you've got a lot of nerve-gut-gall-(In a very happy tone) courage-strength-and honor to show up here in one piece! (Embraces Jimagorn about the waist tightly)

Jimagorn: (Awkwardly) Uh-this is new!

Brimli: (In an ecstatic tone) We all thought you lost! Jimagorn, I'll never leave you behind again! I swear! (Breaks away from Jimagorn) Jimagorn, if there's anything I can do to make up the foolish choice I have made, I'll make sure I do it!

Jimagorn: (Jovially, happy somebody volunteered) Well, you can take my horse to the stables, bring me some hair gel, draw me a bath, make me a chicken sandwich-!

Brimli: (Interjecting politely) Er-let's not get too extreme, Jimagorn!

Jimagorn: (Laughing) All right, Brimli! How about you take my horse, and just draw me the bath? (Smells his shirt) I smell like a foot. Ooh! Speaking of which, could you give me a foot rub?

Brimli: (Awkwardly) Er-how about I just take your horse to the stable? (Grabs the reins of the horse tightly) You might want to pop in on King Kevoden when you got the chance, Jimagorn.

Jimagorn: (Nodding) Great idea. Where is he?

Brimli: In the main compartment, near the second set of stairs-you can't miss it!

Jimagorn: (Quickly turning away and heading to see the king) Thanks, Brimli!

Brimli: (Happily) No problem, Jimagorn! Nice to have you back!

Jimagorn: (In a complimenting voice) Yeah! I know who I'll replace Megolas with in my fantasies! That'll be interesting!

Brimli: (Angrily shouting) HEY! NOW WAIT JUST A MINUTE-!

(At the Dwarf's shout, Jimagorn's horse gives a whinny of fright and takes off, dragging poor Brimli behind. As she shouts, we see Erynwyn picking up some blankets, oblivious to the scene that has just taken place)

Brimli: (Angrily shouting) DAMN YOU, JIMAGORN!

Erynwyn: (Looks up and drops the blankets) Jimagorn?

(Erynwyn looks in the direction from where the Dwarf came from and gives a gasp of surprise as she sees Jimagorn disappearing up the stairs to meet King Kevoden. We follow Jimagorn as he moves along the stone floor, looking very determined and grim about what he must tell the king. But he stops in his tracks as he sees another familiar face: Megolas bars his direction, a sly smile upon her face as she looks into the other's face)

Megolas: (In Elvish) You're late.

Jimagorn: (Sarcastically) Oh, I am? Holy crap! I had no idea! I've gotta check my watch, and-Oh wait! (Looks at his wrist and speaks to the Elf angrily) I don't have one!

Megolas: (With a small smile upon her face) Relax, Jimagorn, I'm only jostling you! (Surveys Jimagorn's state and gives a sniff of disgust) You look terrible.

Jimagorn: (Angrily) Yeah-well, you're ugly, but I don't say anything! (Stares at the Elf for a while, before groaning and speaking quickly) Oh, I'm sorry, Megolas! You're hot; I didn't mean it!

Megolas: (In an awkward tone) Er-all's forgiven-if you never say that again!

(We see Erynwyn run up the stairs, meaning to go after Jimagorn. She is so happy to see him alive. But as she runs, Citizens of Edoras#17&18 walk in front of her, blocking her way)

Citizen of Edoras#17: (In a logical tone) So, like I said before, it doesn't seem like the bleach works on your tub at first, but it works wonders after sitting for a minute!

Citizen of Edoras#18: (In a stunned tone) You don't say!

Erynwyn: (Angrily) Dang it! Will you ninnies just get out of my freakin' way?

Citizen of Edoras#17: (In an agitated tone) Will you just wait your turn, already?

Erynwyn: (Angrily) Why don't you bite me?

(Grumbling, Citizens of Edoras#17&18 move out of Erynwyn's way. Very excited to see Jimagorn, Erynwyn dashes towards Jimagorn, but she slows her pace as she sees something rather heart-breaking. Megolas hands Jimagorn the Evenstar pendant, which the Man quickly puts on. Erynwyn, realizing that her hopes for Jimagorn are pretty much fantasy, bows her head and walks away. We now go to Megolas & Jimagorn, who turn and enter the room where King Kevoden sits in a chair, conversing with Commander Awry. King Kevoden quickly looks up and his eyes widen as he sees who is accompanying Megolas)

Megolas: (Angrily) "Get the wounded on horses and leave the dead" eh? I suppose he's not an exception? (Angrily points at Jimagorn)

King Kevoden: (Casually) We all make mistakes.

Jimagorn: (Simply, touching himself) Well, that doesn't matter-well, (Thinking about it for a moment) it does, but we don't have time to talk about it! (Speaks quite dramatically) King Kevoden, upon my return I have spotted Andraman's army of Urak-hai! They are heading right towards Helm's Deep! (With a shrug and rather cheerfully) But I'll get into the whole details of it later! Right now, I'm takin' a long bath and eating a humongous sandwich! See ya in an hour!

(Jimagorn makes to leave, oblivious to the horrified looks upon the other three's faces. Megolas places a firm hand on Jimagorn's shoulder to stop him)

Megolas: (Seriously) Jimagorn, I think that that can wait!

Jimagorn: (Whining) Oh-but I don't want to!

King Kevoden: (Swallowing his fear and speaking seriously) How many?

Jimagorn: (Speaking seriously as well) By the looks of it, it's got to be at least ten thousand strong.

King Kevoden: (Turns around abruptly and speaking in a horrified whisper) Ten thousand?

Jimagorn: (Nodding grimly) I'm afraid so. They are an army set out for one purpose-to destroy the race of Men-and to find another species of chicken other than the traditional farmhouse hen.

(Megolas looks at King Kevoden for his opinion in shock-she obviously did not expect an army of such extreme size; and by the looks of it, neither does Commander Awry & King Kevoden. King Kevoden looks off to the side for a moment, wondering what is the best way to deal with this situation. Then, King Kevoden speaks as he moves towards the exit of the room)

King Kevoden: (Valiantly) Let them come!

Jimagorn: (Placing a hand to his chest in shock) Uh-actually, I wasn't planning on that! I was hoping you'd do the opposite of that! I was hoping you would hold them back a bit-!

(We see King Kevoden moving about the fortress of Helm's Deep, with Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli at his heels. The king talks rapidly and in a tone that clarifies to the others that he is deadly sure of himself)

King Kevoden: (Confidently) The people of Edoras would not be around today if they did not know how to properly defend themselves. For some reason, we attracted much of the violence upon the Rohan. But this attack will be no different from the rest! All we have to do is post more guards at the gates and fight our best. We may receive some casualties, but they shall be minimal. Crops will be re-sown-houses rebuilt.

Jimagorn: (Angrily speaking to King Kevoden) This army is not on a mission to destroy your crops or burn your houses-!

King Kevoden: (Casually) Well, there you go! We've got nothing to worry about, do we? Honestly, Jimagorn, you need to take a bit of a break! You make things more dramatic than they actually are!

Jimagorn: (Pushing aside the king's statement) This is an army of Orc that is on a mission to destroy every man, woman, and child!

King Kevoden: (With a small laugh) An army of Orc, eh? Well, we've fought countless of Orcs-it'll be no different from others.

Brimli: (Desperately) These are no mindless drabble of Orcs, King Kevoden! These are Urak-hai! They are well disciplined, they are taught the most difficult military tactics, and, if I didn't know any better, I'd say they have no soul!

Megolas: (Nodding grimly) She's right, Kevoden-

Brimli: (In a shocked voice as she looks at Megolas) I am?

Megolas: (Frowning at the Dwarf) Well-yes, but only this once!

Jimagorn: (Speaking urgently to the king) If you stand and fight, Kevoden, you have to ready for the worst!

King Kevoden: (Grasping Jimagorn and pulling him close as he whispers) What would you have me do, Jimagorn? Look at my men! Just look at them! They're a bunch of ninnies, the whole lot of them!

(We see King Kevoden point off to the right, where Edoras Guards#10-13 are playing a nice game of hopscotch. We also see Edoras Guards#14-16 playing a game of jump rope. Even Commander Awry is entertaining himself by standing near an Easy Bake oven, waiting impatiently. Once there is the sound of a timer going off, Commander Awry's eyes lighten up)

Commander Awry: (Happily) Huzzah! (Bends and takes the tiny cake out of the oven, smelling it with a content smile upon his face. He shouts towards the nearby guards) Guys, the cake's ready! And I put an egg in it- so it should be fancy!

(The guards give a content shout and begin to race towards Commander Awry, eager for the cake. Commander Awry draws back defensively)

Commander Awry: (Drawing his sword and brandishing it before the guards) Hey! You've got to wait for me to put the frosting on first!

(We go back to King Kevoden speaking to Jimagorn)

King Kevoden: (Still whispering) What must I do?

Jimagorn: (Whispering low to make sure the others do not hear) You've got to send for reinforcements! Send for help!

King Kevoden: (Allowing himself a small, sarcastic laugh before continuing) And whom would you have me call for? (Nods towards Megolas) Elves? (Nods towards Brimli) Dwarves?

Brimli: (Angrily) Hey! What's so freakin' wrong with Dwarves, bucko?

Megolas: (Equally angry) Forget that! What's so freakin' wrong with Elves? The Elves are way more experienced in fighting than any race in all of Middle-Earth combined!

Brimli: (Raises an eyebrow as she looks at Megolas) Hold up-is that what makes Elves feel sexy: their severe pride in themselves?

Megolas: (Frustrated towards the Dwarf) Damn it, Brimli! This is no time to argue about what makes Elves feel sexy! (In a quick, simple tone) Besides, you're wrong.

Jimagorn: (Placing a hand upon his chest as he speaks to the two) I'll say she's wrong! Everybody knows that I'm the sexiest beast in this whole clan!

Brimli: (Angrily) By whose authority?

Jimagorn: (Incredulously) Oh, come now! Even you cannot hide your severe attraction of my manly physique!

Brimli: (With a small laugh) I don't think you're sexy!

Megolas: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) Nor do I!

Jimagorn: (Puffing out his chest indignantly) In my fantasies you do!

Megolas: (Angrily) Damn it, Jimagorn! I told you to stop picturing me in your fantasies!

King Kevoden: (Brow knitted in frustration) Uh, excuse me! I think we should be concentrating on protecting the fortress of Helm's Deep and saving the people of Edoras from doom!

Jimagorn: (Angrily towards King Kevoden) Oh please! I think that can wait for a while! (Looking at King Kevoden, he suddenly realizes it cannot, and turns about to face the king, speaking grimly) If you do not wish to call for reinforcements, then you must stand and fight! If you value the lives of your citizens, have your Men fight!

Megolas: (Curiously) Er-wouldn't you lose more lives that way?

Jimagorn: (After a moment of staring incredulously at Megolas) Yes.

(Realizing what must be done, King Kevoden turns on his heel and heads back into the fortress, Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli following close behind. We see Commander Awry run up to King Kevoden, with a slice of Easy Bake cake clasped in his hand)

Commander Awry: (Briskly) Hello, King Kevoden! Would you like some Easy Bake cake, sir? I saved some for you. (Holds cake to King Kevoden)

King Kevoden: (Irritably) Dang it, Commander Awry! I've no time for your blasted cakes! I've got major orders for you, sir, and I'm-(Takes a great whiff of the cake and suddenly looks intrigued) Wait a tick-(Points at the cake) are those sprinkles?

Commander Awry: (With a small shrug) Yes.

(King Kevoden shrugs, takes the cake from Commander Awry, and devours it. The king eats, looking like he's savoring the flavor)

King Kevoden: (Through a mouth of cake) Quite nice-texture is to die for! Haven't had such great cakes since my son's funeral cake.

Commander Awry: (Awkwardly) Er-Your Highness, you wanted to say something about my orders?

King Kevoden: (Coming to his senses) Ah, yes! (Swallows his cake and speaks carelessly) Get your troops ready for battle, commander.

Commander Awry: (Shocked) Excuse me, sire? Battle?

King Kevoden: (Simply, heading into the fortress) Yeah.ten-thousand Urak- hai Members coming our way-get any man or boy that can carry a sword. That is all.

Commander Awry: (Shouting back at the king) Wait a moment, sire! There was nothing in the pamphlet concerning Edoras Commanders about this!

(The king doesn't respond, and Commander Awry, looking quite frazzled, follows his king inside the fortress. Then, we abruptly change the scene, and see the Fangorn Forest. As he speaks, we go to Big Nuts, with Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck sitting upon his limbs, examining the scene around them. Big Nuts speaks in his slow tone as he walks into a simple-but fairly large-clearing)

Big Nuts: In over two centuries, never have I thought that it would lead to this. But the events transpiring throughout the days have left the Ents little choice. Now-everything relies on this. (Waves around the clearing, indicating it to the hobbits) Entmoot.

Rippin Took: (Curiously) What's that?

Big Nuts: (Seriously) 'Tis a gathering.

Jessie Brandybuck: (Curiously) A gathering of what?

Rippin Took: (Sarcastically towards Jessie Brandybuck) Hmm, "Entmoot".Ent- moot! What in the world could that be a gathering of? (Incredulously) Honestly, Jessie Brandybuck! And I thought I was the stupid one!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Frowning at Rippin Took) Gees, don't use too much sarcasm, Rippin!

Rippin Took: (Eyes widening) I thought I did.

(A sudden, ominous boom sounds, causing the hobbits to stop their arguing and grab a hold of the Ent's limbs. Suddenly, we see-appearing from different parts of the clearing-many different Ents; Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took stare about in amazement, taking in the brilliant sight of so many tree-like creatures. Big Nuts merely continues to talk, clearly not as interested in the scene)

Big Nuts: (Indicating different Ents) Beech.oak.and some other trees in there somewhere.(Waves his hand as if it's not important) These are great friends and relatives-ones who are known throughout the Ent society well.

(Rippin Took looks at the different Ents-they are not the most attractive beings, of course. Some of the Ents stare back at the hobbit with twisted faces. Rippin Took gives an awkward smile)

Rippin Took: (To be nice) Er-they're nice. (We see Big Willy walk over to Big Nuts, and stand right beside him. Big Nuts looks happy at the other's presence)

Big Nuts: (To Big Willy) You came.

Big Willy: (In the same, slow tone of the Ent) Of course.I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Big Nuts: (In a simple tone) You got fired from your job again, didn't you?

Big Willy: (With a shrug) Yeah-had nothing else to do tonight.

Big Nuts: (With a small chuckle) Coincidentally that is the same reason they fired you, huh?

Big Willy: (Nods) You could say that.

Big Nuts: (Talking to the hobbits, and indicating Big Willy) This is my brother, Big Willow.everybody around here just calls him Big Willy.

(Rippin Took begins to laugh hysterically, almost falling from her perch upon Big Nuts. Jessie Brandybuck tries to shush her friend angrily, afraid that the Ents might be offended. But Big Nuts appears to not have noticed)

Big Nuts: (In a serious tone) The Ents gather tonight to decide upon something very important.

Jessie Brandybuck: (Anxiously) Whether you will go to war?

Big Nuts: (Shakes his head quickly as he hears this) Hmm? Well, I was going to present the Entmoot the question of whether we should get a new sprinkler system-but I suppose we could include that in there too. (Speaking to the Entmoot) Fellow Ents, Beeches, willows, oaks, (In a careless tone) senior citizen Ents.

(The Senior Citizen Ents give a weak shout, and we see that they are bent, rotting creatures with mushrooms growing from them)

Senior Citizen Ent#1: (Leaning upon his cane and speaking in a raspy tone) What'd ya say there, Big Nuts? You like ants? I don't see what you had to call us here for!

Senior Citizen Ent#2: (Irritably, putting his wooden dentures back into his mouth) Yeah! What's so gosh danged important that I had to miss Madlock for this?

Big Nuts: (Patiently) I said, "Fellow-Ents"! And I gather each of you here today to involve you in an important decision-one that could affect the lives of every one of us. (Letting a spasm of silence pass over the group) Now, are we missing any. (We suddenly hear Blonde Ent shout from behind the trees outside the clearing)

Blonde Ent: (In her usual, retarded tone) Wait! I'm coming!

(Blonde Ent steps into the clearing and all the Ents give a very angry groan)

Big Nuts: (Angrily) Who invited her?

Big Willy: (Also angrily) Don't look at me! I invited Amos! (Points at Amos in the Senior Citizen Ents section)

Amos: (Angrily at Big Willy) I didn't want to come, either! I want to watch Wheel of Fortune!

Big Nuts: (Irritably) Enough! (When the Entmoot quiets) We must begin our council.

(Another spout of silence issues from the Ents. Finally, Rippin Took speaks up)

Rippin Took: (To Big Nuts) Er-before you begin your meeting, there, Big Nuts, do you think I could go to the bathroom?

Jessie Brandybuck: (In an incredulous hiss at Rippin Took) Rippin!

Rippin Took: (Irritably) Hey! It's been over three days! I've really got to pee! I won't be that long, either! I'll just run in the forest, find the nearest tree, and-

(Rippin Took stops speaking immediately as the Ents give a shocked gasp. Rippin Took looks very shifty-eyed at this)

Rippin Took: (Quickly correcting herself) Did I say, "tree"? I meant- stream!

(Once again, the Ents give a horrified gasp. Jessie Brandybuck puts her face in her hands. Rippin Took is rather embarrassed)

Rippin Took: (Clicking her tongue) Well-this is awkward.