Scene Twenty-Two
(We go back to Helm's Deep, where many of the citizens of Edoras- particularly the women and children-are being led deep into the fortress; into the Glittering Caves, which is a protective area for times of battle. The citizens enter, each one looking very frightened or confused at the scene taking place-they clearly cannot truly believe King Kevoden's claim that they are going into battle. Erynwyn is being led by Commander Awry, looking very irritable)
Erynwyn: (Angrily) This is so stupid! I should be fighting!
Commander Awry: (Coolly) You know, you remind me of somebody.my son before he got himself killed in battle!
Erynwyn: (Choosing to ignore the comment) This is ridiculous! If any of your men were down here, choosing to remain safe than to stand and fight, you would come down here, accuse them of cowardice, and make them fight! Why am I, therefore, an exception?
Commander Awry: (Seriously) Because you are the king's niece, and if anything happened to you, he would never forgive himself!
Erynwyn: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) He worries about me for no reason! I am a seasoned fighter! I can defend myself!
Commander Awry: (Furrowing his brow) Will you knock it off, already? I know how much you want to be with Jimagorn, but you've got to stay down here with the other women and children, okay?
Erynwyn: (Raising her eyebrow) Jimagorn? What're you talking about?
Commander Awry: (Slyly) You know, Jimagorn.your boyfriend!
Erynwyn: (With a small laugh, but looking very shifty eyed) I've no idea what you're talking about!
Commander Awry: (With a great laugh) Oh, come on! It's so obvious the way you flirt with him all the time! You're always around him! Don't think nobody's noticed, lady! (In a high-pitched voice, imitating Erynwyn) "Jimagorn, let me show you how I sword fight!" "Jimagorn, let me walk besides you on the plains!" "Jimagorn, let me wear high heels and a bikini as I play with your hair flip!"
(Erynwyn stares at Commander Awry with very wide eyes. Commander Awry looks around as if he's said too much-way too much. Then, he clears his throat uncomfortably)
Commander Awry: (Uncomfortably) Er-I gotta go. (Commander Awry quickly walks away, leaving Erynwyn alone. She gives a frustrated sigh and sits upon a nearby rock. Then, Erynwyn looks around at the other people within the cave. We see the depressing sight of many elderly men being taken away by soldiers to fight-away from their families or wives. We see Elderly Man of Edoras saying his farewells to Elderly Woman of Edoras; Soldier of Edoras#16 stands nearby)
Elderly Man of Edoras: (Grimly) Well, I guess I'll get going now.
Elderly Woman of Edoras: (Angrily) They cannot do this! You are too old to fight!
Elderly Man of Edoras: (Sternly) The king said that he needed all the men who could fight! I'm fighting-(In a low voice, indicating the nearby soldier) besides, if I don't fight, he'll probably kill me anyways.
Elderly Woman of Edoras: (Sadly) But-what if I never see you again?
Elderly Man of Edoras: (With a small smile) Now, don't talk like that, dear; I'm not going to die anytime soon! (With a small shrug as a second thought) But, just in case, you know where my will is. (With a dark whisper) And take that moocher Sid off of it! I don't want him taking anything from my cold, dead hands!
(With that, Soldier of Edoras#16 takes Elderly Man of Edoras away, and we see another depressing sight. Many boys are being taken from their families, their eyes alight with fear and confusion-amidst the old and middle-aged, where are they to fit in? Mothers cry out as their young boys are taken from them, hoping that the soldiers will bring them back. Erynwyn watches this with a stone-faced expression-she suddenly realizes that the waiting will be much harder than the fighting. We then see Commander Awry & Lieutenant Philips walking about the compound, speaking to one another as they walk)
Commander Awry: (In a practical tone) So, if you really think about it, Lieutenant Philips, with the right insoles and size, high heels wouldn't be that uncomfortable after all!
Lieutenant Philips: (Nodding slowly, but speaking in an awkward tone) Er- right.
(The two stop at the doorway of the main compartment, where King Kevoden stares at the wall-thinking to himself and wondering what has become of everything. Commander Awry & Lieutenant Philips look at one another curiously)
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) Ah no! He's staring at the wall again! Every time he does that, he's preparing some big, dramatic speech to tell the first person to walk into the room-that's why there were no janitors in the Golden Hall recently! (In a low tone) I'm not going to go in there!
Lieutenant Philips: (With wide eyes) Well, I'm not going in there!
Commander Awry: (In an agitated tone) Don't look at me! I just had to take his brat niece down to the Glittering Caves-I'm not going to be his personal audience member to his boring speech!
Lieutenant Philips: (With a small shrug) Well, somebody's gotta go in!
Commander Awry: (After thinking about it for a while) We'll play row-sham- bow for it!
Lieutenant Philips: (With a small scowl) Rock-paper-scissors?
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) You got a better idea?
(With a small sigh, Lieutenant Philips nods. The commander and lieutenant ball one of their hands into a fist and make to play rock-paper-scissors. With one go, Commander Awry has scissors, but Lieutenant Philips has rock. With a small curse, Commander Awry goes into the room, Lieutenant Philips quickly walking away from the area. Commander Awry heads towards King Kevoden, who seems to have not noticed the other's appearance)
Commander Awry: (After a moment of silence) King Kevoden, your men are ready for battle. (When the king does not answer) Sire?
King Kevoden: (Distantly) Who am I, Commander Awry?
Commander Awry: (Angrily) Ah crap! Are you going through that amnesia thing again?
King Kevoden: (Angrily to Commander Awry) No, you fool! I was just trying to sound solemn and troubled! Now, (Once again, in his distant voice) who am I, Commander Awry-(Quickly) figuratively speaking.
Commander Awry: (Concerned) You are our king, my lord!
King Kevoden: (With a small smile) And do you trust your king?
Commander Awry: (With a small shrug as he picks of the king's armor and makes towards him) Well, to be totally honest, not really. One moment, you're a rotting corpse of a king, and the next, you're a great leader leading many into battle into a whole bunch of Urak-hai Members.
(Commander Awry stops his speaking as King Kevoden gives the other a dark scowl)
Commander Awry: (Seriously) .but, your men are willing to follow you at any end. (Commander Awry fastens King Kevoden's breastplate tightly about him. King Kevoden doesn't move, thinking about the events about to transpire. Finally, King Kevoden begins his speech, drawing an annoyed eye-roll and sigh from Commander Awry)
King Kevoden: (Quite dramatically) How strange-how odd that everything is led to this. Those who choose to not involve themselves in the fight are somehow guided towards it. How odd that we are the targets in this war of evil, this onslaught of terror for which we do not apply ourselves. We go to so many bounds to overcome those who oppose us, yet what is it all for? We leap over so many barriers to be sure that others are protected around us, yet nobody comes to our aid.
(King Kevoden uses his hands as he speaks, emphasizing his point, but it is most annoying to Commander Awry, who is desperately trying to slip the king's gauntlets on. As King Kevoden speaks next, he stops waving his hands about, and Commander Awry quickly fastens the gauntlets on)
King Kevoden: (In his dramatic, questioning voice) Where are they? Where are the horse and the rider? Where are those who need to come and help us in our time of need?
(As King Kevoden speaks next, he moves about the chamber dramatically, causing Commander Awry to dart behind the king, desperately trying to fasten on the king's shin guards, but unable to do so because of the king's countless strides)
King Kevoden: (Clutching his fist dramatically) They are gone like the sands of time, lost from view like winds upon the mountainside.never to be seen and never to be touched. What takes them so long? Why have they sent no word as to where they are? When will they come, if they choose to come at all?
Commander Awry: (Angrily, in a mock dramatic tone) Why do you insist upon moving around so freakin' much?
King Kevoden: (Looking down at Commander Awry with wide eyes) I'm being dramatic, commander!
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) Well, it's really annoying! Will you just hold still so I can fasten your armor on you so you won't die?
(Rolling his eyes, King Kevoden stands still. Commander Awry uses the moment to place the shin guards upon the king, then moves to retrieve the king's marvelous sword. As he does so, King Kevoden speaks)
King Kevoden: (Distantly) As we prepare ourselves, I cannot help but wonder one thing.
(Commander Awry hands the sword to the king, who studies it for a while before saying what he has to say)
King Kevoden: (Dramatically) .did I remember to lock the Golden Hall doors before I left?
Commander Awry: (After staring incredulously at the king for a moment) Er- King Kevoden, I believe we should be asking ourselves, "How did it come down to this?"
King Kevoden: (Furrowing his brow) But we already know how it came down to this! We knew from the beginning of this movie, and from the Fellowship of the Movie!
Commander Awry: (Angrily) Well-you're the one that likes to be dramatic! I would've thought you would have liked to say something other than, "Did I remember to lock the Golden Hall doors before I left"?
King Kevoden: (Seriously) Well-that's pretty dramatic, isn't it?
(Commander Awry rolls his eyes; it's going to be a long battle ahead of them. Then, we experience another scene change, and see a large room, where many ordinary citizens of Edoras or young boys are clustered. Soldiers are handing out any weapons they can carry. Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli are also in the room seeing things through or just hanging out)
Soldier of Edoras#18: (Speaking over the crowd) Okay! We're all out of swords! Those who don't have weapons can either have a spear (Hold up a large spear) or a Kaiser-blade (Holds up a lawn-mower blade).
Citizen of Edoras#25: (Curiously) Isn't that supposed to be a lawn-mower blade?
Citizen of Edoras#22: (In same curiosity) I think it's a sling-blade.
Soldier of Edoras#18: (Carelessly) Ah-some people call it a sling-blade, I call it a Kaiser-blade! Now, who wants one?
(Many citizens crowd about the soldiers, collecting the necessary weapons they will need. Among the citizens are elderly men, men of average age, or even teenage boys. Jimagorn is looking about the area with a grim expression)
Jimagorn: (Grimly) Old men.stable boys.local bums and free-loaders.
Citizen of Edoras#18: (Angrily) HEY!
Jimagorn: (Ignoring the shout and speaking with a stone-faced expression) This is no army-(He allows for a small pause before continuing, his attitude becoming more enthused as he goes) this is the best, danged army in all of Rohan! Am I right folks? (Many of the citizens and soldiers shout out in triumph. Jimagorn touches himself upon the chest, clearly proud of himself. Megolas is looking very disappointed with the results, however-she did not expect so few people to be fighting)
Jimagorn: (Noting the Elf's attitude and speaking jovially) Ah come on, Megolas! Have a little faith in these dudes!
Megolas: (In a very bitter tone, speaking to Jimagorn) They are frightened.you can see it in their eyes!
(A horrible hush falls over the crowd-obviously, Megolas spoke louder than she had anticipated. Many of the citizens glare towards Jimagorn & Megolas. Jimagorn gives an awkward smile)
Jimagorn: (Mouthing towards the crowd) Time of the month, you know.
Megolas: (Speaking to Jimagorn in Elvish, looking very serious) And why shouldn't they be? Five hundred.against ten thousand!
Jimagorn: (Also speaking to Megolas in Elvish, trying to assure her friend) They are trained to fight at an early age-hope is with them-!
Megolas: (Seriously speaking in Elvish) Jimagorn, there is no hope for these people!
Jimagorn: (Eyes widening as he speaks in Elvish) Well, that's very pessimistic of you!
Megolas: (Continues in Elvish) They are all going to die!
Jimagorn: (Angrily shouting at Megolas in English) Then I shall die as one of them!
(Another awkward hush falls over the crowd-apparently, nobody saw that coming)
Citizen of Edoras#20: (To Citizen of Edoras#24) What was that about?
Citizen of Edoras#24: (With a small shrug) I don't know-I thought they were talking about cobbler. (Licks his lips as he thinks of it) Mmm, cobbler.
(With a horrible glare at Megolas, Jimagorn turns on his heel and leaves the chamber-still clutching his chest valiantly)
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) Jimagorn-!
(Megolas makes to chase after Jimagorn, but Brimli holds the Elf back)
Brimli: (Sternly) Let him go.after he's had a good sulk, he'll be right as rain.
(Megolas still looks a bit concerned-she probably realizes the rashness of her words and believes them best to have been left alone. Then, we go to the outside of the fortress, to the main wall, where soldiers and officials are running around, trying to fulfill last minute orders and make sure that everything is well in order. We see Jimagorn sit upon a staircase, thinking about the battle that is drawing closer and closer-trying to push away the odds-comforting himself by stroking his chest. Then, we see Gareth walk down the stairs, looking at a sword, and stopping just a few feet away from Jimagorn. Gareth is only a child, probably in his early teens, with shoulder length dark brown hair. Jimagorn looks at the child, who is trying to decide which way is best to hold his sword)
Jimagorn: (With a small smile at Gareth) Give me your sword.
(Gareth-who is holding the sword by its blade-is quick to reply. One look at Jimagorn tells the child whom he is staring at. Jimagorn holds the other's sword for a while, measuring its balance and studying its slick design)
Jimagorn: (Speaking to Gareth, but not looking at him) What is you name?
Gareth: (Nervously) Gareth, son of Gama.
Jimagorn: (Looking up at Gareth quickly) Ah-Gama.(Waiting for a moment before asking) Er-he's the one who got his face bitten off by the Warg, right?
Gareth: (Furrowing his brow) Yeah.
(Jimagorn nods simply, then resumes studying the sword. Gareth, unnerved by the silence of the other, decides to speak)
Gareth: (In a simple tone) They say that we will not last throughout the night.(With a small smile) that we do not have a hope in the world.
Jimagorn: (Looking at Gareth quickly) Er-a skinny, good-looking Elf didn't happen to talk to you, did she?
Gareth: (Shaking his head) Er-no.but I did get a talking to from a really fat guy with black hair.
Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow) You mean Commander Awry?
Gareth: (Shrugging) I dunno!
Jimagorn: (With a small sigh) Well, whoever it was, perhaps that person was right in saying what they did.
(Gareth scowls at the other-probably surprised at the other's pessimism. Then, Jimagorn gets up and swings the sword about easily. Then, we see Jimagorn give a smile at the sword)
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) Then again, this is a good sword.
(Jimagorn looks at Gareth and his face falls slightly. Gareth's shoulder length hair is cut pretty short and unevenly-and the boy is wearing a very horrified expression upon his face)
Jimagorn: (Handing the sword back to Gareth awkwardly) Uh, sorry about that.
Gareth: (In a small, frightened tone) Oh, no problem. I-was hoping to get a hair cut anyways. (Gives a small laugh) Uh-excuse me.
(Gareth quickly shuffles away, and Jimagorn watches the boy go with pride etched upon his face)
Jimagorn: (To himself) Perhaps hope is with us yet.
(We then see Jimagorn pull on a shirt of heavy mail-it barely nicks his hair flip, but he quickly pats the flip to put it back into perfect condition. Jimagorn then picks up a pair of mail gloves, shakes his head at them, and throws them aside. Jimagorn then bends and picks up a huge box that reads: "Jimagorn's Mail Gloves". Jimagorn opens the box and begins to examine the many gloves. Then, he senses somebody is watching him, and Jimagorn looks up. Megolas is standing nearby, leaning upon her bow, and smiling awkwardly at Jimagorn. Jimagorn goes back to looking through his gloves stubbornly)
Jimagorn: (Coolly) I should certainly hope you're here to deliver a huge apology, 'cause you're not getting any of my mail gloves!
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow at the other) Why would I want your mail gloves? I've got my own! (Pulls out a pair of nice looking, greenish ones) Besides, you've got gargantuan hands!
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Not making it better, Megolas!
Megolas: (Taking a breath and realizing why she's here) Okay, I'm sorry, Jimagorn.
(Jimagorn looks at the Elf seriously)
Megolas: (Continuing in a serious fashion) I was wrong to judge you, Jimagorn.never before had you led us astray; it would seem foolish of me to believe that you would do so now.
Jimagorn: (Puffing out his chest with dignity) Well-dang straight! Megolas: (With a small smile) We okay, now?
Jimagorn: (Stares at the Elf for a while, then he groans in dismay) Oh-I knew I couldn't stay mad at you! You're so wise.and cunning.and fine.
Megolas: (Sternly) Let's leave it at that, okay?
Jimagorn: (Nodding quickly) Noted. (Pulls out a pair of purple mail gloves and angrily throws them to the ground) Dang it, where are my blue ones with the tassels on 'em? (Pulls out a white, diamond covered glove)
Megolas: (Her eyes widening at the brilliance of the glove) Man! Who gave you that?
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) Sympathy gift from Michael Jackson. (Angrily) Stupid ninny only gave me one though! (Throws the glove inside the box)
(We see Brimli trying to put a mail shirt on, but it's really big for her. Being the stubborn person she is, though, she does not want to go find another one)
Brimli: (To Jimagorn & Megolas) You'd think they would make these for smaller individuals! They'd sell a lot more, I'll tell you what!
Jimagorn: (With a small laugh) Brimli, those are the children sizes! They're the smallest we've got!
Brimli: (Defensively) Well it's not my fault your kids are a bunch of giant, freaks of nature! (Scrunches up her face) Something feels out of place, though.(Puts her helmet back on and nods) Yep.that's the ticket.
(Megolas & Jimagorn roll their eyes at one another, but Brimli doesn't notice-she's heard something outside of the keep. After a while, we hear it as well-the sound of a horn blowing, but not of an Orc nature. It is almost peaceful, but powerful and stern at the same time. Megolas listens with a hint of recognition in her eyes. Jimagorn looks rather confused)
Brimli: (In a curious tone) That is no Orc horn.
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Dang it! I told those guys to stop playing with the battle horns! King Kevoden's gonna be pissed at me!
Megolas: (Her eyes brightening in sudden hope) Wait a moment! It's-It's- Oh, if I dare to hope! But maybe-Oh, I have to look!
(And with that, Megolas darts out of the compound, Jimagorn & Brimli watching her go. Jimagorn looks severely ill tempered)
Jimagorn: (Placing a hand upon his chest fondly) You know, I wish she'd tell me these things before she did them! (Yells from where Megolas exited) Megolas! Wait up!
(Jimagorn exits, chasing after Megolas. Brimli makes to follow, but she trips on her mail shirt. She curses loudly as her helmet flies behind her. She stands up, but falls down almost immediately)
Brimli: (Trying to sit up, but failing miserably) Ah, crap on a stick! Could this possibly get any worse?
(At that moment, a huge shelf of weapons and armory fall upon Brimli)
Brimli: (In a muffled, pain-stricken voice under the mass of weapons) Ah- couldn't deal without that-could we? OUCH!
(We see Megolas run up to the outer wall of the fortress, looking down towards the gate with a great smile upon her face. Jimagorn follows her immediately, huffing and puffing from running)
Jimagorn: (In an agitated tone) Man, Megolas! What's all this about? Just run out of the room without telling me anything! If I didn't think that running made me look sexier, I wouldn't have-!
(At that moment, King Kevoden steps up to the other two, flanked by Commander Awry; both are decked out in armor and ready for battle)
King Kevoden: (To Megolas, in a bemused tone) What's going on here?
Megolas: (Pointing down towards the gate area) Look, King Kevoden! Help has come!
Commander Awry: (Looking down and crinkling his brow) Er-that's where we throw our human waste, Megolas.
Jimagorn: (In a practical tone) Yeah-it doesn't look like help, Megolas. In fact, it kind of looks like a big pile of sh-!
Megolas: (Agitated, pointing a bit to the left) No! Right next to it, you fools! Near the gate!
King Kevoden: (Looking down and looking quite shocked) My word!
(We now direct our attention to the gated area, where we see a force other than Orc or Men heading towards Helm's Deep-they are Woodelves. There are a good number of them, marching obediently towards the doors of the gate. Then, we see Maldir, who is heading this Woodelven Army, approach the gate's doors, and-of all things she could do-knock politely and wait. Then, we hear the Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep shout from above the gates)
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (Towards the Woodelven Army) Who goes there?
Maldir: (Politely, though looking a bit bemused herself) It's a Woodelven Army, good sir! We're here to help defend the keep!
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (After a moment of thinking) Do you have a reservation?
Maldir: (Looking a bit awkward, then shouting at the gatekeeper) Er-hold on a sec! (She turns to talk to Woodelf Soldier#1, who is right next to her) Did you remember to make a reservation?
Woodelf Soldier#1: (Raises his eyebrows at Maldir) Don't look at me! I thought you were talking to somebody else!
Maldir: (Scolding at Woodelf Soldier#1 and shouting towards the group behind her) Okay! Who's responsibility was it to call Helm's Deep?
Woodelf Soldier#8: (Shouting from within the group) Don't look at me! I thought he had it! (Points to Woodelf Soldier#9, standing right next to him)
Woodelf Soldier#9: (Defensively) Hey! Don't pin this on me, bucko! I thought that that guy had it! (Indicates Woodelf Soldier#13, standing a fair distance away)
Woodelf Soldier#13: (In a proud tone) I'll have you know that I've got litter box cleaning duty, so there!
Woodelf Soldier#15: (In a logical tone) Wait a sec! Didn't Tibbins have it?
Woodelf Soldier#16: (In a blank tone) You fool! Tibbins is dead!
Woodelf Soldier#15: (In a simple tone) Well, there you go!
(We hear the Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep shout down at the Woodelves)
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (In an agitated tone) Look, if you want, I can put you on the waiting list, but it's a pretty long one! Your chances of actually getting in are pretty slim! We've got a huge score of Urak-hai Members heading this way, and they can be rather testy about these things!
Maldir: (In a negotiating type tone) Is there any way we could get bumped up slightly? We didn't really prepare to stay outside overnight.
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (Still sounding agitated) It's going to cost you! I'm thinking perhaps around-!
King Kevoden: (Angrily, quite on the edge of anticipation) Will you let them in, already? They're here to help us; you bunch of hopscotch-playing ninnies!
(We see Soldier of Edoras#12 speak to Soldier of Edoras#27)
Soldier of Edoras#12: (In a shocked tone to the other soldier) How'd he know we played hopscotch?
(We avert our attention back towards the gates, which are opening quickly. With that, Maldir leads her Woodelven Army within the fortress. There is no question about it-these Woodelves move with such discipline and slickness that it seems laughable to believe that they would not survive well within battle. Each of the Woodelves is heavily armored under their cloaks, carries a long bow, and wears a belt full of weapons. King Kevoden followed by Commander Awry, rushes to meet Maldir. Both are awestricken by this force that is meant to defend the keep. Megolas & Jimagorn make their appearance as King Kevoden speaks to Maldir)
King Kevoden: (In a speechless tone) What-who-er-uh-boy, this is awkward.
Maldir: (Smiling at the king) I come bearing word from Noelrond, of Rivendell.
(Maldir puts up a hand and the Woodelven troops stop their march obediently)
Maldir: (Explaining to King Kevoden) Five hundred years ago, Elves and Men fought and died together defending the world against evil. It is time that that old alliance be recognized once again.
(Megolas smiles and rushes up to clasp hands with Maldir)
Megolas: (Quite happily) Maldir! Thank goodness! We had almost given up hope!
(At that moment, Jimagorn pushes Megolas aside, looking very smug at the moment)
Jimagorn: (To Megolas) Megolas, please! Allow me! (To Maldir, in a very solemn tone, clasping his chest with one hand and reaching the clasp hands with the Woodelf) Maldir! Thank goodness! We had-almost given up hope!
Megolas: (Angrily) You ninny! That's exactly what I said!
Jimagorn: (In a very defensive voice) Yes-but you did not say it in a sexy voice!
Maldir: (Rolling her eyes) Thank God this is only a one-time thing!
Jimagorn: (Obviously not hearing Maldir's words) Maldir, meet King Kevoden!
(Jimagorn indicates an awkward looking King Kevoden, who steps forward and makes to clasp hands with Maldir, but every member of the Woodelven Army looks towards the king abruptly. In one movement, the Woodelven Army turns about face, and has their bows ready to string. King Kevoden bites his cheek awkwardly, and Commander Awry whistles in amazement)
Commander Awry: (In a very small tone) Well that makes me look really bad, doesn't it?
(We go back to Helm's Deep, where many of the citizens of Edoras- particularly the women and children-are being led deep into the fortress; into the Glittering Caves, which is a protective area for times of battle. The citizens enter, each one looking very frightened or confused at the scene taking place-they clearly cannot truly believe King Kevoden's claim that they are going into battle. Erynwyn is being led by Commander Awry, looking very irritable)
Erynwyn: (Angrily) This is so stupid! I should be fighting!
Commander Awry: (Coolly) You know, you remind me of somebody.my son before he got himself killed in battle!
Erynwyn: (Choosing to ignore the comment) This is ridiculous! If any of your men were down here, choosing to remain safe than to stand and fight, you would come down here, accuse them of cowardice, and make them fight! Why am I, therefore, an exception?
Commander Awry: (Seriously) Because you are the king's niece, and if anything happened to you, he would never forgive himself!
Erynwyn: (Crossing her arms stubbornly) He worries about me for no reason! I am a seasoned fighter! I can defend myself!
Commander Awry: (Furrowing his brow) Will you knock it off, already? I know how much you want to be with Jimagorn, but you've got to stay down here with the other women and children, okay?
Erynwyn: (Raising her eyebrow) Jimagorn? What're you talking about?
Commander Awry: (Slyly) You know, Jimagorn.your boyfriend!
Erynwyn: (With a small laugh, but looking very shifty eyed) I've no idea what you're talking about!
Commander Awry: (With a great laugh) Oh, come on! It's so obvious the way you flirt with him all the time! You're always around him! Don't think nobody's noticed, lady! (In a high-pitched voice, imitating Erynwyn) "Jimagorn, let me show you how I sword fight!" "Jimagorn, let me walk besides you on the plains!" "Jimagorn, let me wear high heels and a bikini as I play with your hair flip!"
(Erynwyn stares at Commander Awry with very wide eyes. Commander Awry looks around as if he's said too much-way too much. Then, he clears his throat uncomfortably)
Commander Awry: (Uncomfortably) Er-I gotta go. (Commander Awry quickly walks away, leaving Erynwyn alone. She gives a frustrated sigh and sits upon a nearby rock. Then, Erynwyn looks around at the other people within the cave. We see the depressing sight of many elderly men being taken away by soldiers to fight-away from their families or wives. We see Elderly Man of Edoras saying his farewells to Elderly Woman of Edoras; Soldier of Edoras#16 stands nearby)
Elderly Man of Edoras: (Grimly) Well, I guess I'll get going now.
Elderly Woman of Edoras: (Angrily) They cannot do this! You are too old to fight!
Elderly Man of Edoras: (Sternly) The king said that he needed all the men who could fight! I'm fighting-(In a low voice, indicating the nearby soldier) besides, if I don't fight, he'll probably kill me anyways.
Elderly Woman of Edoras: (Sadly) But-what if I never see you again?
Elderly Man of Edoras: (With a small smile) Now, don't talk like that, dear; I'm not going to die anytime soon! (With a small shrug as a second thought) But, just in case, you know where my will is. (With a dark whisper) And take that moocher Sid off of it! I don't want him taking anything from my cold, dead hands!
(With that, Soldier of Edoras#16 takes Elderly Man of Edoras away, and we see another depressing sight. Many boys are being taken from their families, their eyes alight with fear and confusion-amidst the old and middle-aged, where are they to fit in? Mothers cry out as their young boys are taken from them, hoping that the soldiers will bring them back. Erynwyn watches this with a stone-faced expression-she suddenly realizes that the waiting will be much harder than the fighting. We then see Commander Awry & Lieutenant Philips walking about the compound, speaking to one another as they walk)
Commander Awry: (In a practical tone) So, if you really think about it, Lieutenant Philips, with the right insoles and size, high heels wouldn't be that uncomfortable after all!
Lieutenant Philips: (Nodding slowly, but speaking in an awkward tone) Er- right.
(The two stop at the doorway of the main compartment, where King Kevoden stares at the wall-thinking to himself and wondering what has become of everything. Commander Awry & Lieutenant Philips look at one another curiously)
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) Ah no! He's staring at the wall again! Every time he does that, he's preparing some big, dramatic speech to tell the first person to walk into the room-that's why there were no janitors in the Golden Hall recently! (In a low tone) I'm not going to go in there!
Lieutenant Philips: (With wide eyes) Well, I'm not going in there!
Commander Awry: (In an agitated tone) Don't look at me! I just had to take his brat niece down to the Glittering Caves-I'm not going to be his personal audience member to his boring speech!
Lieutenant Philips: (With a small shrug) Well, somebody's gotta go in!
Commander Awry: (After thinking about it for a while) We'll play row-sham- bow for it!
Lieutenant Philips: (With a small scowl) Rock-paper-scissors?
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) You got a better idea?
(With a small sigh, Lieutenant Philips nods. The commander and lieutenant ball one of their hands into a fist and make to play rock-paper-scissors. With one go, Commander Awry has scissors, but Lieutenant Philips has rock. With a small curse, Commander Awry goes into the room, Lieutenant Philips quickly walking away from the area. Commander Awry heads towards King Kevoden, who seems to have not noticed the other's appearance)
Commander Awry: (After a moment of silence) King Kevoden, your men are ready for battle. (When the king does not answer) Sire?
King Kevoden: (Distantly) Who am I, Commander Awry?
Commander Awry: (Angrily) Ah crap! Are you going through that amnesia thing again?
King Kevoden: (Angrily to Commander Awry) No, you fool! I was just trying to sound solemn and troubled! Now, (Once again, in his distant voice) who am I, Commander Awry-(Quickly) figuratively speaking.
Commander Awry: (Concerned) You are our king, my lord!
King Kevoden: (With a small smile) And do you trust your king?
Commander Awry: (With a small shrug as he picks of the king's armor and makes towards him) Well, to be totally honest, not really. One moment, you're a rotting corpse of a king, and the next, you're a great leader leading many into battle into a whole bunch of Urak-hai Members.
(Commander Awry stops his speaking as King Kevoden gives the other a dark scowl)
Commander Awry: (Seriously) .but, your men are willing to follow you at any end. (Commander Awry fastens King Kevoden's breastplate tightly about him. King Kevoden doesn't move, thinking about the events about to transpire. Finally, King Kevoden begins his speech, drawing an annoyed eye-roll and sigh from Commander Awry)
King Kevoden: (Quite dramatically) How strange-how odd that everything is led to this. Those who choose to not involve themselves in the fight are somehow guided towards it. How odd that we are the targets in this war of evil, this onslaught of terror for which we do not apply ourselves. We go to so many bounds to overcome those who oppose us, yet what is it all for? We leap over so many barriers to be sure that others are protected around us, yet nobody comes to our aid.
(King Kevoden uses his hands as he speaks, emphasizing his point, but it is most annoying to Commander Awry, who is desperately trying to slip the king's gauntlets on. As King Kevoden speaks next, he stops waving his hands about, and Commander Awry quickly fastens the gauntlets on)
King Kevoden: (In his dramatic, questioning voice) Where are they? Where are the horse and the rider? Where are those who need to come and help us in our time of need?
(As King Kevoden speaks next, he moves about the chamber dramatically, causing Commander Awry to dart behind the king, desperately trying to fasten on the king's shin guards, but unable to do so because of the king's countless strides)
King Kevoden: (Clutching his fist dramatically) They are gone like the sands of time, lost from view like winds upon the mountainside.never to be seen and never to be touched. What takes them so long? Why have they sent no word as to where they are? When will they come, if they choose to come at all?
Commander Awry: (Angrily, in a mock dramatic tone) Why do you insist upon moving around so freakin' much?
King Kevoden: (Looking down at Commander Awry with wide eyes) I'm being dramatic, commander!
Commander Awry: (Frustrated) Well, it's really annoying! Will you just hold still so I can fasten your armor on you so you won't die?
(Rolling his eyes, King Kevoden stands still. Commander Awry uses the moment to place the shin guards upon the king, then moves to retrieve the king's marvelous sword. As he does so, King Kevoden speaks)
King Kevoden: (Distantly) As we prepare ourselves, I cannot help but wonder one thing.
(Commander Awry hands the sword to the king, who studies it for a while before saying what he has to say)
King Kevoden: (Dramatically) .did I remember to lock the Golden Hall doors before I left?
Commander Awry: (After staring incredulously at the king for a moment) Er- King Kevoden, I believe we should be asking ourselves, "How did it come down to this?"
King Kevoden: (Furrowing his brow) But we already know how it came down to this! We knew from the beginning of this movie, and from the Fellowship of the Movie!
Commander Awry: (Angrily) Well-you're the one that likes to be dramatic! I would've thought you would have liked to say something other than, "Did I remember to lock the Golden Hall doors before I left"?
King Kevoden: (Seriously) Well-that's pretty dramatic, isn't it?
(Commander Awry rolls his eyes; it's going to be a long battle ahead of them. Then, we experience another scene change, and see a large room, where many ordinary citizens of Edoras or young boys are clustered. Soldiers are handing out any weapons they can carry. Jimagorn, Megolas, & Brimli are also in the room seeing things through or just hanging out)
Soldier of Edoras#18: (Speaking over the crowd) Okay! We're all out of swords! Those who don't have weapons can either have a spear (Hold up a large spear) or a Kaiser-blade (Holds up a lawn-mower blade).
Citizen of Edoras#25: (Curiously) Isn't that supposed to be a lawn-mower blade?
Citizen of Edoras#22: (In same curiosity) I think it's a sling-blade.
Soldier of Edoras#18: (Carelessly) Ah-some people call it a sling-blade, I call it a Kaiser-blade! Now, who wants one?
(Many citizens crowd about the soldiers, collecting the necessary weapons they will need. Among the citizens are elderly men, men of average age, or even teenage boys. Jimagorn is looking about the area with a grim expression)
Jimagorn: (Grimly) Old men.stable boys.local bums and free-loaders.
Citizen of Edoras#18: (Angrily) HEY!
Jimagorn: (Ignoring the shout and speaking with a stone-faced expression) This is no army-(He allows for a small pause before continuing, his attitude becoming more enthused as he goes) this is the best, danged army in all of Rohan! Am I right folks? (Many of the citizens and soldiers shout out in triumph. Jimagorn touches himself upon the chest, clearly proud of himself. Megolas is looking very disappointed with the results, however-she did not expect so few people to be fighting)
Jimagorn: (Noting the Elf's attitude and speaking jovially) Ah come on, Megolas! Have a little faith in these dudes!
Megolas: (In a very bitter tone, speaking to Jimagorn) They are frightened.you can see it in their eyes!
(A horrible hush falls over the crowd-obviously, Megolas spoke louder than she had anticipated. Many of the citizens glare towards Jimagorn & Megolas. Jimagorn gives an awkward smile)
Jimagorn: (Mouthing towards the crowd) Time of the month, you know.
Megolas: (Speaking to Jimagorn in Elvish, looking very serious) And why shouldn't they be? Five hundred.against ten thousand!
Jimagorn: (Also speaking to Megolas in Elvish, trying to assure her friend) They are trained to fight at an early age-hope is with them-!
Megolas: (Seriously speaking in Elvish) Jimagorn, there is no hope for these people!
Jimagorn: (Eyes widening as he speaks in Elvish) Well, that's very pessimistic of you!
Megolas: (Continues in Elvish) They are all going to die!
Jimagorn: (Angrily shouting at Megolas in English) Then I shall die as one of them!
(Another awkward hush falls over the crowd-apparently, nobody saw that coming)
Citizen of Edoras#20: (To Citizen of Edoras#24) What was that about?
Citizen of Edoras#24: (With a small shrug) I don't know-I thought they were talking about cobbler. (Licks his lips as he thinks of it) Mmm, cobbler.
(With a horrible glare at Megolas, Jimagorn turns on his heel and leaves the chamber-still clutching his chest valiantly)
Megolas: (Rolling her eyes) Jimagorn-!
(Megolas makes to chase after Jimagorn, but Brimli holds the Elf back)
Brimli: (Sternly) Let him go.after he's had a good sulk, he'll be right as rain.
(Megolas still looks a bit concerned-she probably realizes the rashness of her words and believes them best to have been left alone. Then, we go to the outside of the fortress, to the main wall, where soldiers and officials are running around, trying to fulfill last minute orders and make sure that everything is well in order. We see Jimagorn sit upon a staircase, thinking about the battle that is drawing closer and closer-trying to push away the odds-comforting himself by stroking his chest. Then, we see Gareth walk down the stairs, looking at a sword, and stopping just a few feet away from Jimagorn. Gareth is only a child, probably in his early teens, with shoulder length dark brown hair. Jimagorn looks at the child, who is trying to decide which way is best to hold his sword)
Jimagorn: (With a small smile at Gareth) Give me your sword.
(Gareth-who is holding the sword by its blade-is quick to reply. One look at Jimagorn tells the child whom he is staring at. Jimagorn holds the other's sword for a while, measuring its balance and studying its slick design)
Jimagorn: (Speaking to Gareth, but not looking at him) What is you name?
Gareth: (Nervously) Gareth, son of Gama.
Jimagorn: (Looking up at Gareth quickly) Ah-Gama.(Waiting for a moment before asking) Er-he's the one who got his face bitten off by the Warg, right?
Gareth: (Furrowing his brow) Yeah.
(Jimagorn nods simply, then resumes studying the sword. Gareth, unnerved by the silence of the other, decides to speak)
Gareth: (In a simple tone) They say that we will not last throughout the night.(With a small smile) that we do not have a hope in the world.
Jimagorn: (Looking at Gareth quickly) Er-a skinny, good-looking Elf didn't happen to talk to you, did she?
Gareth: (Shaking his head) Er-no.but I did get a talking to from a really fat guy with black hair.
Jimagorn: (Raising an eyebrow) You mean Commander Awry?
Gareth: (Shrugging) I dunno!
Jimagorn: (With a small sigh) Well, whoever it was, perhaps that person was right in saying what they did.
(Gareth scowls at the other-probably surprised at the other's pessimism. Then, Jimagorn gets up and swings the sword about easily. Then, we see Jimagorn give a smile at the sword)
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) Then again, this is a good sword.
(Jimagorn looks at Gareth and his face falls slightly. Gareth's shoulder length hair is cut pretty short and unevenly-and the boy is wearing a very horrified expression upon his face)
Jimagorn: (Handing the sword back to Gareth awkwardly) Uh, sorry about that.
Gareth: (In a small, frightened tone) Oh, no problem. I-was hoping to get a hair cut anyways. (Gives a small laugh) Uh-excuse me.
(Gareth quickly shuffles away, and Jimagorn watches the boy go with pride etched upon his face)
Jimagorn: (To himself) Perhaps hope is with us yet.
(We then see Jimagorn pull on a shirt of heavy mail-it barely nicks his hair flip, but he quickly pats the flip to put it back into perfect condition. Jimagorn then picks up a pair of mail gloves, shakes his head at them, and throws them aside. Jimagorn then bends and picks up a huge box that reads: "Jimagorn's Mail Gloves". Jimagorn opens the box and begins to examine the many gloves. Then, he senses somebody is watching him, and Jimagorn looks up. Megolas is standing nearby, leaning upon her bow, and smiling awkwardly at Jimagorn. Jimagorn goes back to looking through his gloves stubbornly)
Jimagorn: (Coolly) I should certainly hope you're here to deliver a huge apology, 'cause you're not getting any of my mail gloves!
Megolas: (Furrowing her brow at the other) Why would I want your mail gloves? I've got my own! (Pulls out a pair of nice looking, greenish ones) Besides, you've got gargantuan hands!
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Not making it better, Megolas!
Megolas: (Taking a breath and realizing why she's here) Okay, I'm sorry, Jimagorn.
(Jimagorn looks at the Elf seriously)
Megolas: (Continuing in a serious fashion) I was wrong to judge you, Jimagorn.never before had you led us astray; it would seem foolish of me to believe that you would do so now.
Jimagorn: (Puffing out his chest with dignity) Well-dang straight! Megolas: (With a small smile) We okay, now?
Jimagorn: (Stares at the Elf for a while, then he groans in dismay) Oh-I knew I couldn't stay mad at you! You're so wise.and cunning.and fine.
Megolas: (Sternly) Let's leave it at that, okay?
Jimagorn: (Nodding quickly) Noted. (Pulls out a pair of purple mail gloves and angrily throws them to the ground) Dang it, where are my blue ones with the tassels on 'em? (Pulls out a white, diamond covered glove)
Megolas: (Her eyes widening at the brilliance of the glove) Man! Who gave you that?
Jimagorn: (With a shrug) Sympathy gift from Michael Jackson. (Angrily) Stupid ninny only gave me one though! (Throws the glove inside the box)
(We see Brimli trying to put a mail shirt on, but it's really big for her. Being the stubborn person she is, though, she does not want to go find another one)
Brimli: (To Jimagorn & Megolas) You'd think they would make these for smaller individuals! They'd sell a lot more, I'll tell you what!
Jimagorn: (With a small laugh) Brimli, those are the children sizes! They're the smallest we've got!
Brimli: (Defensively) Well it's not my fault your kids are a bunch of giant, freaks of nature! (Scrunches up her face) Something feels out of place, though.(Puts her helmet back on and nods) Yep.that's the ticket.
(Megolas & Jimagorn roll their eyes at one another, but Brimli doesn't notice-she's heard something outside of the keep. After a while, we hear it as well-the sound of a horn blowing, but not of an Orc nature. It is almost peaceful, but powerful and stern at the same time. Megolas listens with a hint of recognition in her eyes. Jimagorn looks rather confused)
Brimli: (In a curious tone) That is no Orc horn.
Jimagorn: (Angrily) Dang it! I told those guys to stop playing with the battle horns! King Kevoden's gonna be pissed at me!
Megolas: (Her eyes brightening in sudden hope) Wait a moment! It's-It's- Oh, if I dare to hope! But maybe-Oh, I have to look!
(And with that, Megolas darts out of the compound, Jimagorn & Brimli watching her go. Jimagorn looks severely ill tempered)
Jimagorn: (Placing a hand upon his chest fondly) You know, I wish she'd tell me these things before she did them! (Yells from where Megolas exited) Megolas! Wait up!
(Jimagorn exits, chasing after Megolas. Brimli makes to follow, but she trips on her mail shirt. She curses loudly as her helmet flies behind her. She stands up, but falls down almost immediately)
Brimli: (Trying to sit up, but failing miserably) Ah, crap on a stick! Could this possibly get any worse?
(At that moment, a huge shelf of weapons and armory fall upon Brimli)
Brimli: (In a muffled, pain-stricken voice under the mass of weapons) Ah- couldn't deal without that-could we? OUCH!
(We see Megolas run up to the outer wall of the fortress, looking down towards the gate with a great smile upon her face. Jimagorn follows her immediately, huffing and puffing from running)
Jimagorn: (In an agitated tone) Man, Megolas! What's all this about? Just run out of the room without telling me anything! If I didn't think that running made me look sexier, I wouldn't have-!
(At that moment, King Kevoden steps up to the other two, flanked by Commander Awry; both are decked out in armor and ready for battle)
King Kevoden: (To Megolas, in a bemused tone) What's going on here?
Megolas: (Pointing down towards the gate area) Look, King Kevoden! Help has come!
Commander Awry: (Looking down and crinkling his brow) Er-that's where we throw our human waste, Megolas.
Jimagorn: (In a practical tone) Yeah-it doesn't look like help, Megolas. In fact, it kind of looks like a big pile of sh-!
Megolas: (Agitated, pointing a bit to the left) No! Right next to it, you fools! Near the gate!
King Kevoden: (Looking down and looking quite shocked) My word!
(We now direct our attention to the gated area, where we see a force other than Orc or Men heading towards Helm's Deep-they are Woodelves. There are a good number of them, marching obediently towards the doors of the gate. Then, we see Maldir, who is heading this Woodelven Army, approach the gate's doors, and-of all things she could do-knock politely and wait. Then, we hear the Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep shout from above the gates)
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (Towards the Woodelven Army) Who goes there?
Maldir: (Politely, though looking a bit bemused herself) It's a Woodelven Army, good sir! We're here to help defend the keep!
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (After a moment of thinking) Do you have a reservation?
Maldir: (Looking a bit awkward, then shouting at the gatekeeper) Er-hold on a sec! (She turns to talk to Woodelf Soldier#1, who is right next to her) Did you remember to make a reservation?
Woodelf Soldier#1: (Raises his eyebrows at Maldir) Don't look at me! I thought you were talking to somebody else!
Maldir: (Scolding at Woodelf Soldier#1 and shouting towards the group behind her) Okay! Who's responsibility was it to call Helm's Deep?
Woodelf Soldier#8: (Shouting from within the group) Don't look at me! I thought he had it! (Points to Woodelf Soldier#9, standing right next to him)
Woodelf Soldier#9: (Defensively) Hey! Don't pin this on me, bucko! I thought that that guy had it! (Indicates Woodelf Soldier#13, standing a fair distance away)
Woodelf Soldier#13: (In a proud tone) I'll have you know that I've got litter box cleaning duty, so there!
Woodelf Soldier#15: (In a logical tone) Wait a sec! Didn't Tibbins have it?
Woodelf Soldier#16: (In a blank tone) You fool! Tibbins is dead!
Woodelf Soldier#15: (In a simple tone) Well, there you go!
(We hear the Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep shout down at the Woodelves)
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (In an agitated tone) Look, if you want, I can put you on the waiting list, but it's a pretty long one! Your chances of actually getting in are pretty slim! We've got a huge score of Urak-hai Members heading this way, and they can be rather testy about these things!
Maldir: (In a negotiating type tone) Is there any way we could get bumped up slightly? We didn't really prepare to stay outside overnight.
Gatekeeper of Helm's Deep: (Still sounding agitated) It's going to cost you! I'm thinking perhaps around-!
King Kevoden: (Angrily, quite on the edge of anticipation) Will you let them in, already? They're here to help us; you bunch of hopscotch-playing ninnies!
(We see Soldier of Edoras#12 speak to Soldier of Edoras#27)
Soldier of Edoras#12: (In a shocked tone to the other soldier) How'd he know we played hopscotch?
(We avert our attention back towards the gates, which are opening quickly. With that, Maldir leads her Woodelven Army within the fortress. There is no question about it-these Woodelves move with such discipline and slickness that it seems laughable to believe that they would not survive well within battle. Each of the Woodelves is heavily armored under their cloaks, carries a long bow, and wears a belt full of weapons. King Kevoden followed by Commander Awry, rushes to meet Maldir. Both are awestricken by this force that is meant to defend the keep. Megolas & Jimagorn make their appearance as King Kevoden speaks to Maldir)
King Kevoden: (In a speechless tone) What-who-er-uh-boy, this is awkward.
Maldir: (Smiling at the king) I come bearing word from Noelrond, of Rivendell.
(Maldir puts up a hand and the Woodelven troops stop their march obediently)
Maldir: (Explaining to King Kevoden) Five hundred years ago, Elves and Men fought and died together defending the world against evil. It is time that that old alliance be recognized once again.
(Megolas smiles and rushes up to clasp hands with Maldir)
Megolas: (Quite happily) Maldir! Thank goodness! We had almost given up hope!
(At that moment, Jimagorn pushes Megolas aside, looking very smug at the moment)
Jimagorn: (To Megolas) Megolas, please! Allow me! (To Maldir, in a very solemn tone, clasping his chest with one hand and reaching the clasp hands with the Woodelf) Maldir! Thank goodness! We had-almost given up hope!
Megolas: (Angrily) You ninny! That's exactly what I said!
Jimagorn: (In a very defensive voice) Yes-but you did not say it in a sexy voice!
Maldir: (Rolling her eyes) Thank God this is only a one-time thing!
Jimagorn: (Obviously not hearing Maldir's words) Maldir, meet King Kevoden!
(Jimagorn indicates an awkward looking King Kevoden, who steps forward and makes to clasp hands with Maldir, but every member of the Woodelven Army looks towards the king abruptly. In one movement, the Woodelven Army turns about face, and has their bows ready to string. King Kevoden bites his cheek awkwardly, and Commander Awry whistles in amazement)
Commander Awry: (In a very small tone) Well that makes me look really bad, doesn't it?
