Scene Twenty-Four

(We go back to the battle at Helm's Deep, which is quite bloody at the moment. The breech in the outer wall is quite horrible, and the battle is quite ferocious, with staggering losses for both sides. We see Megolas, who has a great gash upon her shoulder and a few cuts upon her, fighting with her bow and arrows, and occasionally whipping out her battle sword. Then, Megolas realizes that more Urak-hai Members are getting through than normal-then she realizes that the western flank is almost totally open for Urak-hai Members)

Megolas: (Angrily shouting at Soldiers of Edoras#34 & 36, who is nearby) What the hell is happening here? We're losing a huge percentage of our fighters! And why is the western flank completely open?

Soldier of Edoras#34: (Agitated) Don't look at me! Commander Awry commands that flank!

Megolas: (Angrily) Well, then, where's Commander Awry?

Soldier of Edoras#36: (Brightly, and holding up a silver urn) Here he is!

(Megolas stares at the urn speechlessly, her mouth open and occasionally sputtering out exclaims of shock. Both soldiers look as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened)

Megolas: (Shocked) What-how-did-?

Soldier of Edoras#36: (With a small shrug) I know-silver isn't really his color, but it's all we had.

Megolas: (Still shocked) How did this happen?

Soldier of Edoras#36: (Practically) Well, he was fighting a huge band of Urak-hai Members, things got really hot, and well-(With another shrug) that's all he wrote.

Megolas: (Angrily pointing at the urn) Who was watching him when this happened?

Soldier of Edoras#35: (In a small voice) Lieutenant Philips.

Megolas: (Angrily) Well, where's Lieutenant Philips?

Soldier of Edoras#36: (Holds up a copper urn) Here he is!

(Megolas gives a great shout of disgust and leaps into the western flank, where there is a staggering amount of Orcs. Megolas is able to subdue a fair few with her excellent shooting abilities, but there are still way too many for her to hold off herself. Then, Brimli, who is climbing on the edge of the outer wall, sees her friend is in peril, and rushes to meet her. Brimli runs along the edge, shouts, and jumps right into a small group of Urak-hai Members rushing towards Megolas, cutting off their heads with one quick swipe of her axe. Then, we see Soldier of Edoras#27, who is also standing on the edge of the wall, watching Brimli's spectacle with astonishment)

Soldier of Edoras#27: (In a very proud voice) Wow! I want to do that, too!

(And with that, Soldier of Edoras#27 runs along the wall, and jumps likes Brimli did-only to be impaled upon many of the Urak-hai spears)

Soldier of Edoras#27: (In a weak, dying tone) Should-have-shouted!

(We go back to the scene of Brimli & Megolas, fighting off many Urak-hai Members maliciously. When the Urak-hai Members have been subdued, both Megolas & Brimli look at one another)

Megolas: (With a small nod of recognition) Thanks, Brimli.

Brimli: (With a small shrug) Ah, I needed the exercise.

(Megolas smiles at Brimli, then looks about. Amid the fray and fighting, she does not see one person)

Megolas: (Furrowing her brow) Where's Jimagorn?

(We suddenly go to a bathroom inside of Helm's Deep, where Jimagorn is fixing his hair flip at the mirror, singing to himself as he tries to fix the nicked hair-flip)

Jimagorn: (In the tune of "I Touch Myself") I don't want-anybody else-when I think about me, I touch myself! (Strokes his chest adoringly)

(The bathroom door bangs open, and Megolas is standing in the entrance, looking livid with anger at seeing Jimagorn in there)

Jimagorn: (Looking very shocked at Megolas' appearance) Megolas! This is a men's bathroom! You're not supposed to be in here! Look, I know how much you're secretly attracted to me, but it's not going to prove anything if you keep cornering me in the most awkward places! (Looks at the Elf's battle haggard appearance) Ugh.you look horrible.

Megolas: (Angrily, coming inside of the bathroom) Perhaps I look horrible because I've had to fight off a whole bunch of Urak-hai members, while somebody has been hiding out in the bathroom! What the hell are you doing in here?

Jimagorn: (Incredulously) I'm fixing my hair! Hello! You saw what that Urak-hai Member did to my hair flip!

Megolas: (Angrily) I don't care if he burnt your whole flippin' hair off! The fight is out there! (Points towards the door) We need you to command forces!

Jimagorn: (Looking at the Elf with a raised eyebrow) You need me?

Megolas: (Furrowing her brow) Well, yeah! I mean-(Sighs angrily) Look, I'm going to be the first person to tell anybody that you're as dumb as a sod and that you're a self-adoring psycho, but I know a good leader when I see one.

Jimagorn: (With a small smile on his face) You think I'm a good leader?

Megolas: (Crossing her arms and allowing a small smile to pass on her lips) A spanking good one.

Jimagorn: (Slyly) So you are attracted to me!

Megolas: (Angrily) No, you pervert! Gees! I'm just saying that you're a good leader! If anybody can lead and command us in battle, it's you.

Jimagorn: (Furrowing his brow) So-you admire me?

Megolas: (Firmly) No.I respect you; I just don't like you!

Jimagorn: (With a small smile) Thanks, Megolas.

Megolas: (Shrugs) Ah, it's in my gender.

(For a while, the two don't say anything. Jimagorn finally realizes that Megolas-although rather stern with him-is willing to help him if he needs it. Jimagorn finally clears his throat)

Jimagorn: (With a bright tone) Well, now that that's settled, you can wait outside till I'm done.

Megolas: (Frustrated) Jimagorn! Haven't you forgotten something?

Jimagorn: (After thinking for a while) Oh right! (Picks up a hairspray can) Hairspray! Good eye, Megolas! (Sprays some on his flip)

Megolas: (Angrily) The battle, stupid! We need your help! You've got to fight!

Jimagorn: (Waving it aside with a small wave of his hand) Megolas, be patient! Don't you understand it yet? Megolas: (Raising her eyebrow) Understand what?

Jimagorn: (As though this is obvious) The outcome of this battle? Can't you predict it? How do all the fights go? Think about it! Good versus evil-right versus wrong-extremely attractive versus the hideously ugly!

Megolas: (Crossing her arms impatiently) What're you getting at?

Jimagorn: (Looking at the Elf with a small smile) Think, Megolas! In all of the fights of good versus evil, good always triumphs! So you see, all we've gotta do is stand aside and let it run its course! And what happens? Evil shrinks away, licking its poisoned wounds, and good always triumphs, holding the golden cup of victory over their heads! Why worry ourselves about it so much? We're gonna win!

Megolas: (In an anxious tone) Jimagorn, it's more complicated than that! Good has to put some effort into the fight against evil or evil will win! There are over ten thousand Urak-hai Members out there, Jimagorn! We've gotta fight them off as best we can!

Jimagorn: (Impatiently) Oh, Megolas, keep your cool, already! (In a very small voice) And go take a Midol.

Megolas: (Dangerously) Excuse me?

Jimagorn: (Effortlessly, trying to reassure the Elf) Megolas, calm down! We've got nothing to worry about! The battle is under perfect control!

(At that moment, a wall to the bathroom caves in as Soldier of Edoras#28 & Urak-hai Member#60, locked in battle, crash into the bathroom and fight viciously. Soldier of Edoras#28 takes Urak-hai Member#60 to a nearby stall, where he places the Orc's head down the toilet. Urak-hai Member#60 shouts out in pain, but it comes out as a gurgle. Then, Soldier of Edoras#28 is able to stab the Urak-hai Member#60 in the back, where the Urak-hai Member#60 dies, his head still in the toilet. Soldier of Edoras#28 makes to leave, but he notices Jimagorn & Megolas. Quickly, the soldier rushes over to where Jimagorn is and grabs the hairspray. Soldier of Edoras#28 pulls out his own comb and begins to quickly fix his hair. Once it is in the condition he wants it, Soldier of Edoras#28 sprays his hair with the hairspray, puts the bottle back where it was, pockets the comb, and looks at the stunned Elf and Man)

Soldier of Edoras#28: (In a gruff voice) Excuse me.

(And with that, Soldier of Edoras#28 dashes towards the bathroom door and exits back towards the battle. Megolas & Jimagorn stare incredulously after him)

Megolas: (Furrowing her brow) The Race of Man-are a bunch of idiots!

Jimagorn: (Angrily) I'll say.(Picks up his hairspray and scolding at the door) He didn't even ask for the hairspray!

(Megolas rolls her eyes at this. Then, we go back to the Fangorn Forest, where the Entmoot is still in Council. Then, Big Nuts turns away and begins to walk towards where Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are standing. Both the hobbits look at the Ent with anticipation-this could be the moment they've been waiting for)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a very excited tone to Rippin Took) This is it, Rippin! This is the important moment we've been waiting for!

Big Nuts: (In his grinding voice) After much careful deliberation with the Entmoot, we have come to the conclusion that-Jean-luc Picard is much more attractive than Patrick Stewart will ever be.

(The hobbits stare at the Ent incredulously for the longest moment)

Rippin Took: (In a logical tone to Jessie Brandybuck) You're right, Jessie- that is important.

Jessie Brandybuck: (Trying to keep her anger in check, taking off her glasses and rubbing her eyes in frustration) But what about Andraman? What have you decided about him? Are you going into war or not?

Big Nuts: (After thinking about it for a while) You know-I plum forgot about that! It just slipped my mind! (Waves his hand over his head) It just whooshed right past me!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily, looking up at the Ent) You forgot? (Puts her glasses back on, and speaks angrily to Big Nuts) How could you forget? Look, you big twig with legs-(Points towards the outside of the forest) Our friends our out there! They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own! Please-decide something now!

(There is a great silence after Jessie Brandybuck's words, then Rippin Took, who has been thinking for a while, breaks the silence)

Rippin Took: (In a logical tone, with her brow furrowed) Wait a moment- aren't Jean-luc Picard and Patrick Stewart the same people?

Big Nuts: (After thinking about it for a moment) Holy fish nuggets, she's right!

Big Willy: (From within the group) Well that changes everything!

Big Nuts: (Nodding) Yes! It does! (Looks at the hobbits and speaks in a low tone to them) This'll probably take a while.

(And with that, Big Nuts turns back to the Entmoot so they can have another council. Jessie Brandybuck angrily looks at Rippin Took and smacks her over the head)

Rippin Took: (Rubbing her head painfully) Ow! What was that for?

Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) You had to mention that little detail, didn't you, Rippin?

Rippin Took: (Angrily) Well, they are two different people!