Scene Twenty-Five

(Once more, we find ourselves back at Helm's Deep, where the battle is heating up ferociously. Just because the outer wall has been breeched, however, it does not mean that the defenders of the keep are giving up so easily. Then, we see Soldier of Edoras#89 standing next to a large snack table within Helm's Deep, relaxing as he drinks a cup of punch. Then, we see Urak-hai Member#98 approach the table casually)

Urak-hai Member#98: (Nodding at the soldier casually as he serves himself some punch) How's it goin'?

(Soldier of Edoras#89 looks at the Urak-hai Member#98 and gags upon his drink, staring at the Orc with a great look of shock. The Orc simply leans against the table, drinking his punch casually)

Soldier of Edoras#89: (In a shocked tone) Aren't you on the-aren't you one of the-?

Urak-hai Member#98: (Still casually) The opposing forces? (Allows himself a small laugh) Yep.

Soldier of Edoras#89: (Still shocked) So, aren't you supposed to be-?

Urak-hai Member#98: (Finishing the thought with a laugh) Fighting on the other side? Yeah-but our side doesn't have punch and cookies! (Sips his punch, and strikes to make conversation) So-who's winning?

Soldier of Edoras#89: (In a speechless tone) Isn't it obvious?

Urak-hai Member#98: (With a shrug) Got me! I'm one of the back dwellers- that's rather nasty! (Munches on a cookie) So-kill any of us, lately?

Soldier of Edoras#89: (Slowly) Well, if you mean recently, then no.but right now-(Pulls out his sword and stabs Urak-hai Member#98) is a different matter.

(Urak-hai Member#98 falls to the ground, horribly wounded, and Soldier of Edoras#89 rushes off to fulfill some more duties)

Urak-hai Member#98: (In a weak tone) You know-if you didn't want to share the cookies-you should have said something!

(We then see Janitor of Helm's Deep come by the snack table and groan at the sight of the dead Orc)

Janitor of Helm's Deep: (Angrily) Damn it! That's gonna tug at our health code! Now I've gotta clean it up!

(Now we see Jimagorn fighting with so much accuracy and speed that it does not seem to be like him. He fights down by the breeched wall, where many of the attacks appear to be coming from. Jimagorn is accompanied by Megolas & Brimli, along with many other soldiers and Woodelves. There is no way that the Urak-hai Members are getting through so easily with these people fighting. Then, we go back to King Kevoden, who is standing next to his new Commander, Commander Kilmage. They watch the battle unfold before them, the king looking quite forlorn at the staggering numbers. Then, we see the Urak-hai Members below begin to bring out humongous ladders-even bigger than the ones before. They release the grappling hooks ferociously, some catching onto unfortunate soldiers or Woodelves. Maldir begins to direct her remaining troops into cutting down the ladders, but the ropes are tough. Before the ladders even have a nick in them, they are being drawn up, with over hundreds of Urak-hai Members upon them, ready to breech the wall. Maldir and her troops are able to kill some of the Orcs, but some are able to scramble upon the wall. Many foot soldiers begin to fight with the Orcs, trying to dispatch them and get them away from the keep. Finally, Maldir and another Woodelven soldier are able to cut down one of the ladders. It goes cascading towards the Urak-hai forces below, taking many of its climbers with. It falls upon the Urak-hai Members, killing many)

King Kevoden: (Triumphantly) HA! Take that, Andraman! Your attempts to take Helm's Deep are failing! What're going to do, now?

(We suddenly see Urak-hai Member#102 speak to Urak-hai Member#45)

Urak-hai Member#102: (In a malicious hiss) What do we do, sir?

Urak-hai Member#45: (In an equally malicious hiss) Release our secret weapon!

(Urak-hai Member#102 smiles evilly and begins to shout out in Mordor tongue for the Urak-hai Members to release the secret weapon. There is a great grating sound, like something being dragged along the earth; some of the fighting stops as people at Helm's Deep look towards the Urak-hai forces, wondering where the sound has come from. Jimagorn, who has just finished off an Orc, looks into the distance, and is accompanied shortly by Megolas)

Jimagorn: (In a speechless tone) Holy shiitake mushrooms!

(We see what the big deal is in the distance of the Urak-hai forces. Many of the members are dragging a huge, holding cell type of a thing-housing their secret weapon. There is a dreadful hush over the fortress as many watch the scene with horrified tones, looking quite unnerved by this new predicament. We go back to where Megolas & Jimagorn stand, looking upon the scene with blank looks upon their faces)

Megolas: (In a small tone) What could it be?

Jimagorn: (In a simple tone) It could be anything. A huge crossbow, a huge monster-anything!

(Jimagorn stops talking as a great grinding is heard, like the opening of a great door. We see the holding cell's door slowly open, about to reveal the secret weapon of the Urak-hai Members. The defenders of the keep look onto the scene with horror upon their faces, awaiting what new evil is going to make itself evident to the battle. Then, we go to the top of the holding cell, where the door had finished opening-and we see nothing. Then, we direct our attention downwards and see-Richard Simmons, clad in a pink sleeveless shirt and very short, golden shorts)

Richard Simmons: (Runs out of the holding cell and clapping his hands as he talks in his flamboyant tone) Come on, people! Let's get those buns a movin'!

(We suddenly see Urak-hai Member#109 dancing about and shaking his rump about)

Urak-hai Member#109: (In an ecstatic voice) Yeah! This is so good for my gluts!

Richard Simmons: (Looking towards Helm's Deep) Come on, Race of Man! I see many of you have got double chins! Come on! Let's take care of that!

(And with that, Richard Simmons begins to run towards the keep. Many of the defenders let out horrified shrieks)

Jimagorn: (Clasping his chest in horror) AHHHHHHH! IT'S RICHARD SIMMONS!

Megolas: (Slapping the other over the head) Pull yourself together man! If you value the life of you keep, you will stand and fight!

(As Richard Simmons rushes towards the keep, many of the Men and Woodelves simply jump out of his way, looking and sounding horrified. Suddenly, there is a great, ominous boom that is not thunder-it is that of a battering ram. While Richard Simmons runs through the keep, there is a fresh group of Urak-hai Members at the lower gate, hitting the wood surface with a battering ram. They came unnoticed the whole time, thanks to the distraction of Richard Simmons. Many of the soldiers and Woodelves begin to try and stop this new onslaught, but the staggering number of Urak-hai Members that were able to make their way to the top of the fortress is too many. King Kevoden knows that he's going to need all the help he can get to prevent the new breech)

King Kevoden: (Yelling towards Jimagorn) Jimagorn! Get your men out of there!

(Jimagorn looks up at King Kevoden and nods, finishing off a new Urak-hai Member who sought to kill him while he was distracted. Megolas nods at Jimagorn to tell him that she's got his back, and Jimagorn yells at Maldir, who is standing on the outer wall)

Jimagorn: (Yelling to her in Elvish) Maldir, get your troops away from there!

(But Maldir is distracted as Richard Simmons runs by her. As she stares after him with a scowl on her face, Urak-hai Member#106 attacks her from behind. Maldir is quick enough to turn around and meet the Orc, but he is able to slash her across the stomach with his sword. With a cry of pain, Maldir is able to kill the Orc before turning around. Everything seems distant to Maldir as she walks, and she knows that she is going to die. She tries to get away, but Urak-hai Member#58 rushes up to her from behind and stabs her in the back. Maldir gives a great gasp of shock and is driven to her knees. We see her look at many of the dead Woodelves about her. As Urak-hai Member#58 makes to finish the Woodelf off, an arrow comes out of nowhere and hits him right in the arm. The Urak-hai Member shouts out in pain, and we see Megolas & Jimagorn come to the Woodelf's rescue, Megolas with her bow drawn and ready to shoot again, but Jimagorn leaps in front of the Urak-hai Member#58 before he can even rise to his feet. With a quick plunge, Jimagorn kills the Urak-hai Member#58. Then, Jimagorn looks at the wounded Maldir, who takes one look at the Man, and falls back. Jimagorn catches Maldir before she can hit the ground, however)

Jimagorn: (Cradling the Woodelf in his arms softly) Maldir.

(Megolas kneels beside the two, trying to show no emotion as she bears witness to this grim scene)

Jimagorn: (Speaking softly to Maldir) Maldir, what happened?

Maldir: (Distantly, and weakly) The buns-the buns blinded me.I was distracted! I'm-sorry, Jimagorn!

Jimagorn: (Firmly) Don't worry, Maldir! We'll get you inside of Helm's Deep before any-!

Maldir: (With a weak laugh) It is too late, Jimagorn! I feel the icy clasp of death upon me.I will not make it.

Jimagorn: (Swallowing the lump of sadness building in his throat) No! You're going to make it!

Maldir: (Grasping Jimagorn by the front of his shirt and speaking angrily) Cut the denial crap, Jimagorn! What are you, two? I'm going to die, and you better accept it!

Jimagorn: (Angrily) Well, I'm sorry! I guess I'm sorry for taking sympathy on you!

Maldir: (Speaking to Jimagorn seriously) Jimagorn, you are the last hope! Do not let Helm's Deep fall! If it falls, then the rest of Rohan will follow suit, like a huge row of dominos!

Megolas: (With a shrug) Or a barrel down a waterfall.

Maldir: (Angrily to the Elf) Whatever! (Makes to close her eyes and die, but she grasps Jimagorn by the shirt again, comes awake, and speaks to Jimagorn weakly) Oh, and one more thing! Tell-Ashdriel that-I do-give a damn!

(Then, Maldir tilts her head to the side, releases Jimagorn, and dies. Megolas bows her head in respects, a tear streaming down her face at the grief of it all. Then, Jimagorn softly releases Maldir and brandishes a fist in the air)

Jimagorn: (In a dramatic shout) DAMN YOU, ANDRAMAN!

Megolas: (Furrowing her brow at Jimagorn) You know-he can't hear you!

(Then, we see Andraman, who is standing on the balcony with Nrima Wormfeces, suddenly snap his attention upward and his face goes very dark)

Andraman: (Angrily) YOU SHUT UP!

Nrima Wormfeces: (Curiously to his master) My lord, who are you talking to?

Andraman: (Quickly, looking about for somebody) Er-I was talking to-(Points to something from the balcony) That Orc right there!

Nrima Wormfeces: (Practically) The keeper of the compost heap, my lord?

Andraman: (Quickly) Er-yeah! (Yelling from the balcony) You! Watch where you put that pitchfork, stupid Orc! And-quit breathing so loudly! In fact, stop breathing right now! (Watches the area for a while, then his eyes go rather wide, and he speaks to Nrima Wormfeces from the side of his mouth) Er-go call the Orc's Medical Center, Wormfeces-he really did stop breathing and now he's not moving.

(Now we go back to the Fangorn forest, where Big Nuts approaches Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took. The grim look upon the Ent's face tells the hobbits that Big Nuts has finally arrived at a decision)

Big Nuts: (In a serious tone to the hobbits) The Ents cannot hold back this kind of evil on their own! It is too big for all of us to handle. Therefore, we have decided not to become part of it.

(Jessie Brandybuck's jaw drops in shock, and Rippin Took merely shrugs)

Rippin Took: (Brightly) Well, in that case, Jessie and I will take our leave now! Thanks for tolerating us, and we'll be on our way!

(Rippin Took turns to leave, but Jessie Brandybuck grasps the other by the arm before she can even move two feet)

Jessie Brandybuck: (Sternly to Rippin Took) Hold on a second, Rippin! We're not done here! (Looks back at Big Nuts angrily) How can that be your decision?

Big Nuts: (Logically) Well, you see, I presented the idea to the Ents, and we had a brief opinion tossing of it. Then, we began to list the pros and cons of the situation-mind you, there were a lot of cons in this-then we had a brief lunch, and then we took a vote. At first, it wasn't unanimous, so we had to do it again and-!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) I don't mean literally, you ninny! I mean, figuratively! How can you decide not to go to war?

Big Nuts: (In a very stern voice, not liking being contradicted) The Ents would choose it best to stay out of this situation. We are not a part of this!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily shouting) BUT YOU'RE PART OF THIS WORLD!

Rippin Took: (After jumping at the volume of her friend's voice) Gees, Jessie! You think you could yell a little louder? I don't think everyone in Gondor heard you!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Speaking to the Ents angrily) Aren't you? I mean- unless a huge meteorite dropped down from space, crashed in the Fangorn Forest, and all this crazy crap flew out, allowing it to spawn and make trees that walk and talk, I don't understand how you could just sit by and act like this doesn't affect you! Don't you understand! You have to fight! It's the only way that we can stop this!

(Rippin Took looks at Jessie Brandybuck with surprise-she obviously did not expect her friend's argument to be so truthful. Jessie Brandybuck is breathing in and out with anger, obviously wanting the Ents to change their mind)

Big Nuts: (Sternly) We appreciate your bravery, Miss Brandybuck, but your part in this tale is over! Go home-go home and leave me alone!

(Jessie Brandybuck stares at the other with a forlorn expression. Big Nuts turns to join the Entmoot, and Jessie Brandybuck is left to stand in utmost shock. Jessie Brandybuck walks over to her coat, picks it up, but doesn't put it back on. Rippin Took comes to join her friend and offer some encouragement)

Rippin Took: (In a small voice) Maybe Big Nuts is right, Jessie. (When her friend doesn't answer, she speaks a bit sterner) Jessie, what more can we do? This is way too big for us, anyways! And you said yourself that we didn't belong in this!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Still clutching her coat and speaking distantly) Yeah.I did.

Rippin Took: (Desperately trying to cheer up her friend) Oh, come on, Jessie! (With a great smile on her face) We've got the Shire! That's way better than all the other stuff that's been going on! (Rubbing her hands together in anticipation) I don't know about you, but I've really been craving a taco! (When Jessie Brandybuck doesn't say anything, she furrows her brows slightly) Jessie?

Jessie Brandybuck: (Ominously) The forest of Buckland and Brandywine will burn, and all that is good and plentiful will be gone. (With a grim smile at Rippin Took) If all of this is allowed to go on, Rippin, there won't be a Shire to go home to.

Rippin Took: (Looking very upset at the moment) Jessie, you're scaring the crap out of me!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Irritably) Well, it's the truth! (Puts her coat on as she speaks) There'll be no taverns, no trees, no brooks, no hobbit holes- (Emphasizing the next point very clearly) no tacos!

(Rippin Took lets out a great gasp of horror, but Jessie Brandybuck keeps talking)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a very harsh tone) I don't know about you, Rippin, but that's one place I don't want to call home.

(And with that, Jessie Brandybuck shuffles off, leaving Rippin Took to stare off into space, comprehending the horrors ahead)

Rippin Took: (Very sadly) So-no taco stands?