Scene Twenty-Eight

(We go back to Osgiliath, where the battle is even worse than that of Helm's Deep. Many of the houses are destroyed, and there is smoke seeping from almost everything. Then, we see many soldiers gathered behind the huge remaining wall of some complex, trying to use it as a barricade as they make their defenses. Then, we see Maramir, his army, Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, & Jenolum cut their way in front of the defenders)

Maramir: (Quickly as he dashes along) Excuse me.pardon me.my bad.nice shirt! Doin' a great job, by the way!

(We see Maramir, flanked by Nicola, Ristor, & Finnegan approach a haggard looking figure-Commander Kolas)

Maramir: (Seriously) Commander Kolas! What's the status?

Commander Kolas: (Angrily gesturing about the area) Isn't it obvious? (When Maramir doesn't answer, he continues to speak grimly) The entire city has been breeched on all sides! We cannot do anything but try and stop them from the inside! My defenses are down to maybe a good thousand!

(There is a great BOOM! followed by a pain-stricken scream from a soldier)

Commander Kolas: (Practically) Er-make that a good nine hundred and ninety- nine.

(Maramir & Commander Kolas continue to talk about battle plans, and Kram Gamgee averts her attention to Lizzo Baggins, whose eyes are wide in horror, and clutching her chest in fright)

Kram Gamgee: (Nervously to Lizzo Baggins) Lizzo.?

Lizzo Baggins: (In a very horrified tone to Kram Gamgee, speaking very low) I can feel his Eye upon me, Kram! He knows the Movie is close!

Kram Gamgee: (Trying to reassure her friend) Don't worry, Miss Lizzo, I'm here for.

(Kram Gamgee's voice just trails off until it simply looks as though she is mouthing the words, and Lizzo Baggins is staring at Kram Gamgee in a petrified gaze)

Lizzo Baggins: (To herself) I think I've gone deaf.

(Obviously worried, Kram Gamgee leans near Lizzo Baggins' ear)

Kram Gamgee: (Shouting in her friend's ear) LIZZO!

Lizzo Baggins: (Jumping at the sound of the other's voice) Dear Lord, Kram! Don't shout at me like that!

Kram Gamgee: (Shrugging) I was just checking!

(We go back to Maramir & Commander Kolas, who have finished talking. Then, Maramir snaps his fingers behind him, and Ristor & Finnegan grasp the hobbits and bring them forward)

Commander Kolas: (Furrowing his brow) What's this?

Maramir: (With a small smile) Gifts to my father.

Commander Kolas: (In a low tone) Er-I don't know what that army of yours has been telling you, Maramir, but your father isn't that kind of a person! Bigamy is so Second Age!

Maramir: (Furrowing his brow) NO! (Indicating Lizzo Baggins) That one bears a weapon that will save Osgiliath and all of Gondor! (Whispering in a low, mischievous tone to Commander Kolas) It is the Movie of Power! (Waving at Kram Gamgee in a careless fashion) The other one can be used to clean out the stables or something.

Kram Gamgee: (Angrily, struggling to get free) Ooh! I'll clean your stables, all right! And the next time I get a water pitcher, I'll pee in it and see how you like the taste of urine!

Nicola: (Furrowing her brow at the hobbit) What're you talking about?

Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Don't pretend like you don't know! And I'll bet it was you that did it!

Commander Kolas: (In a shocked, very stunned tone) The Movie of Power! That will aid our county most beautifully! (To Ristor & Finnegan) Just take them to the Steward of Gondor, (Smiling at Maramir) from his beloved son.

Maramir: (Quickly) With love!

Commander Kolas: (Rolling his eyes) With love!

(Finnegan & Ristor make to go, but Lizzo Baggins begins to struggle violently, knowing that this cannot happen. Kram Gamgee struggles as well, but she is glaring right at Maramir with such an icy look, it can drive a small twinge of fear into anybody. Maramir looks at the hobbit with mild surprise)

Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) You think you're so big, don't you? "Ooh! Look at me! I'm Maramir! I've got a bunch of Men, prancing about my fortress serving me as my army! My daddy's the steward of Gondor and my brother is the heroic battle hero who died valiantly!" And lots of other freakin' stuff I don't want to get into right now, because I don't know you that well! You think your brother was so grand, Maramir? You think he's so perfect?

Lizzo Baggins: (In a nervous tone) No, Kram! Don't!

Kram Gamgee: (Ignoring the other and speaking angrily at Maramir) You want to know why your brother died? Do you? He tried to take the Movie from Lizzo! He tried to kill her-after swearing an oath to protect her! (Spitting the next sentence out as if it were venom) The Movie drove your brother mad!

(Everybody looks at Maramir, who looks as though he has been shot right in the stomach-he is so shocked at this new development that he cannot speak- he merely stands there, staring at a livid Kram Gamgee and a frantic Lizzo Baggins)

Maramir: (Finally speaking after a long moment of silence) Well-I feel like a dumb ass.

(Suddenly, there is a great whoosh over the land, and everything seems to go deadly quiet. Lizzo Baggins' head suddenly goes limp, and she looks as though she is going to faint. Kram Gamgee looks back at her friend nervously)

Kram Gamgee: (Very concerned) Lizzo?

(Lizzo Baggins lifts her head up, but her face is pulled into a horrifying look of such malice it even makes Jenolum cringe)

Lizzo Baggins: (In a low, hissing type of voice) They're here! They've come!

Ristor: (Angrily) Dang it! I thought I told those meat sales men to buzz off!

Lizzo Baggins: (With an evil laugh) Oh-it's no meat sales man! It's the most horrible thing next to a meat sales man!

(There is a great hiss heard from above, and Maramir looks up in fright)

Maramir: (Shouting for everyone to hear) PHONE SOLICITORS!

(We take our view to the skies, where four Phone Solicitors are flying towards the city of Osgiliath, hissing and making their attacks on the air- knowing that the Movie is dreadfully close: Adelphia, Verizon, Cingulair, & AT&T. Maramir looks at Ristor & Finnegan)

Maramir: (Sternly, drawing his sword) Get the hobbits out of here! (Pointing at Jenolum) Take her too.

Jenolum: (As she is pulled by Finnegan) Why are we not as loved as some people?

(Finnegan & Ristor make their way through the ruined city quickly, trying to find a good place to hide their prisoners. Jenolum occasionally looks up in the air and gives a great hiss of fear-horrible flashbacks of when she was in Mordor are no doubt crossing through her mind. Kram Gamgee is looking about in horrible fear-everything is so disproportioned from what she hoped it would be, it's frightening. Lizzo Baggins occasionally giggles out loud, too far gone by the Movie's power that she cannot fully comprehend the situation. Finally, Ristor & Finnegan move the prisoners into an abandoned building, with only three walls, but sturdy nonetheless. Then, Ristor & Finnegan draw their swords and make to join the battle outside)

Ristor: (To Lizzo Baggins) Now, don't you move away, now!

Lizzo Baggins: (In a crazy, laughing manner) How can I move away when my legs have turned into flowers and are sinking into the ground?

Ristor: (To Kram Gamgee) Er-on second thought, you keep watch of her!

(There is a great BOOM heard from outside, and Ristor & Finnegan rush away to join the battle, leaving the three alone for the first time in days. Lizzo Baggins looks quite mad, leaning against the wall and laughing to herself occasionally. Kram Gamgee watches her with concern)

Kram Gamgee: (In a horrified tone) What is happening to her?

Jenolum: (In a small voice) He is calling the precious! He is calling to it!

Kram Gamgee: (To Lizzo Baggins timidly) Hang on, Miss Lizzo! Everything's going to be all right!

Lizzo Baggins: (In a very crazy tone) You know what would be nice? If everybody took up the recreational sport of volleyball!

Kram Gamgee: (In a horrified tone) Now you're just talking crazy!