Scene Thirty-One

(Meanwhile, back at Osgiliath, we go back to where Lizzo Baggins, Kram Gamgee, & Jenolum are hiding. Lizzo Baggins' face is pulled into a dazed look, as though she's not really thinking but merely standing there. Then, Lizzo Baggins begins to walk away from the other two, heading towards the ruined and dangerous city. Kram Gamgee sees what her friend is doing and looks confused)

Kram Gamgee: (With confusion etched upon her brow) What're you doing?

(But Kram Gamgee's voice is a mere voice in the distance, not heard by the preoccupied Lizzo Baggins, who is walking with a brisk pace towards an unknown destination. We follow her walk through the battle-strewn city, her gaze averting from in front of her towards the skies. We then see Kram Gamgee following her at a fast pace, but far behind. Grasping a stitch at her side, Kram Gamgee leans upon a wall and looks after the disappearing Lizzo Baggins)

Kram Gamgee: (In an agitated shout) Lizzo!

Lizzo Baggins: (In a very distant voice as she puts her hand down her shirt) Yes, I am interested in changing long distance plans.(Pulls out the Movie of Power) very interested.

Kram Gamgee: (Horrified) LIZZO!

(We see Lizzo Baggins make her way up some stairs to a destroyed building, looking towards the sky at something-we see Verizon begin to fly slowly towards Lizzo Baggins, seeing the Movie within her grasp. Maramir, who is fighting with Ristor & Nicola, looks over and sees what is happening)

Maramir: (Shocked) Ah, crap!

(Back to Lizzo Baggins, she is holding the Movie before her, looking adoringly at it, as if seeing it for the very first time. A small content smile crosses her face as the seduction of the Movie washes over her-gone are her worries and obligations to destroy it; all she has to do is simply play the Movie and she can forget everything. Sure, it is more complicated than that, but those who are blinded by the Movie's power do not see both ways. As Verizon comes closer, Lizzo Baggins begins to inch her finger towards the play chip upon the Movie. But then, we see Kram Gamgee running up the stairs in slow motion, her shouts mouthed and silent-and her presence unnoticed by the Movie Bearer. Before Lizzo Baggins can even attempt to push the play chip, however, Kram Gamgee pushes her out of the way from certain death-Verizon gives a great hiss of dissatisfaction as its prey is snatched away. Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee roll down the stairs in a tangled mass of arms and legs, either tangled up or fighting one another. Then, the hobbits land on the landing of the stairs, Kram Gamgee on top and looking at Lizzo Baggins) Kram Gamgee: (With a small sigh of relief) Well that was a close one! How're you doing, Miss Lizzo?

(But Lizzo Baggins is not herself. With a great shout of anger, Lizzo Baggins kicks Kram Gamgee off of her, causing the hobbit to go flying into the stairs)

Kram Gamgee: (Angrily) Lizzo! What's gotten into you?

(With a great shout, Lizzo Baggins leaps at Kram Gamgee; meaning to strangle her own friend, but Kram Gamgee is quick to dart out of the way, causing Lizzo Baggins to land on the stairs headfirst)

Kram Gamgee: (With a small whistle) Whoa-that's gotta hurt!

(But with a mere shake of her head, Lizzo Baggins is back on her feet and leaping upon her surprised friend, pinning her to the ground. Hysterical and probably mad, Lizzo Baggins draws out Sting and makes to stab Kram Gamgee. Kram Gamgee looks at the sword with wide eyes)

Kram Gamgee: (In a small, frightened tone) How'd you get that?

(But Lizzo Baggins doesn't seem to hear. By the look on her face, Lizzo Baggins looks liable to kill, but she holds back for an unknown reason. Kram Gamgee realizes that her friend needs help, and is grief-stricken)

Kram Gamgee: (Tears coming to her eyes as she speaks) Lizzo, it's me! It's Kram! Your Kram! Your best friend.your confidant.your cook and gardener!

Lizzo Baggins: (In an evil tone) I don't know who you are, but I'm going to ask you one question: How is it you can talk so clearly when hundreds of rats are crawling out of your mouth!

Kram Gamgee: (In a sad, desperate tone) Don't you remember your Kram?

(Lizzo Baggins stares for a long time at the other hobbit, her blade still dangling over her chest. Then, a sudden light of recognition flashes through Lizzo Baggins' mind-the spell of the Movie is broken. Horror flashes into the eyes of Lizzo Baggins as she realizes what she's doing- what she planned to do for that matter-and she quickly gets off of Kram Gamgee, dropping Sting to the ground with a loud clang. Lizzo Baggins sits against the wall, breathing in and out and looking about in fear and curiosity. Then, Kram Gamgee jumps to her feet)

Kram Gamgee: (Angrily as she straightens out her clothes) You know, you've got some nerve, Miss Lizzo! Trying to kill me like that! What the heck were you-? (Looks over at Lizzo Baggins, and her face drops) Lizzo?

(Lizzo Baggins is off to the side, her eyes leaking with tears as she weeps at the hopelessness of it all)

Lizzo Baggins: (Between her tears) I'm so sorry, Kram! I didn't know what I was doing! I can't believe that I would have even done something like that!

Kram Gamgee: (Feeling a bit guilty for being so harsh) Well, it's no big deal, Miss Lizzo-

Lizzo Baggins: (Desperately) No, it is a big deal! I almost killed you, Kram! And you're the only friend I have now! I never would have forgiven myself! (More tears pour down her face) The Movie took me over! It's power is too strong on me, Kram! It's too hard! (Looks at Kram Gamgee with bright, sad eyes) I can't do this, Kram!

Kram Gamgee: (Tears beginning to leak from her eyes as well) I know, Miss Lizzo. By all right we shouldn't even be here! (Looks out towards the distance, where Phone Solicitors are flying about ominously) It's all wrong! It's a big mess of crap!

(Lizzo Baggins puts her face in her hands, realizing the mess they're in and wanting desperately to just be out of it. How she wishes she could just go home! Then, Kram Gamgee, still looking in the distance, with her eyes wet with tears, begins to speak words of comfort-well, somewhat)

Kram Gamgee: It's like the old, stories, Miss Lizzo, the ones the really mattered. (With a shrug) Or the ones that you could pick up in the bar, but it didn't really matter where you heard them; so long as you heard them and the lessons they offered, what else mattered? You would sit there, listening to your senile old Gaffer-or some other crazy person-tell these stories of valiant fights of good over evil, and how everything went wrong with the world because of evil (In a low tone), the grownups never telling you that it was mostly because of tax agencies, because they knew that that would scare you too much. Then, there would be this humongous battle-or simply a small skirmish-or even a bribe, you could call it-and then evil was no more, and everything went back to normal.(Furrowing her brow as she speaks next) but in your head, you would wonder how?

(We now go to Helm's Deep, where Urak-hai Members are retreating from the keep. As we watch the scene unfold before us, we hear Kram Gamgee talk on, and we see Kendalf smile brightly at Méomer, who in turn smiles at King Kevoden)

Voice of Kram Gamgee: (In a questioning tone) How could the world go back to the way it was after so much bad had happened? How could everything go on as if nothing had ever happened, when we all knew pretty damn well that that wasn't the case? But most importantly-

(We see Jimagorn rushing up the stairs to the keep, but stop as he is met up with Erynwyn, who looks very happy to see him alive. She touches his face and embraces him, and Jimagorn pats her shoulder tenderly. Then, we see Megolas a fair distance away, giving Jimagorn the evil eye. Jimagorn shakes his head to reassure the Elf, and when Megolas moves away, Jimagorn places a sly smile upon his face)

Voice of Kram Gamgee: .how did they ever come by doing it? It seemed so complicated for our little minds to comprehend at the time.

(We now go to Isengard, where we see Big Nuts standing in the water, soundlessly cheering along with the other Ents, while Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck high-five each other, brandishing their swords enthusiastically)

Voice of Kram Gamgee: And those of us who asked-those who were not afraid of getting a great wallop over the head with a cane or a cigarette burn on the arm-would receive the same answer. That good will always triumph over evil, no matter the odds-just so long as we are able to work at it. And everything that was good and pure, will shine through like a new morning in spring! And even the most powerful of foes.

(We see Andraman, looking very shifty eyed, slink into back into his tower, closing the doors behind him)

Voice of Kram Gamgee: .shrank away and were reduced to nothing. But, you never understood why.which was fine by us at the time, because who really cares so long as nothing happens to us, right?

(We go back to Osgiliath, where Kram Gamgee still looks in the distance, with a look of comprehension dawning upon her face)

Kram Gamgee: Well, I've been traveling for a long time, Miss Lizzo.and I've had nothing but hours to think about how it really works. And I believe I've finally figured it out. Those people in those stories-those warriors and heroes that were wrapped in gold and triumphed over evil-all had something that they could rely on. They all had something that they could hold onto, Miss Lizzo!

Lizzo Baggins: (The tears still coming down her face as she walks over to her face) Well, what do we have to hold onto, Kram?

Kram Gamgee: (Thinking about it for a while, then turning around and facing the other with a small smile upon her face) That there's still some good in this world, and it's worth fighting for!

Lizzo Baggins: (With a sad look at the other) Oh, Kram! I don't think that that's enough to hold onto! When you look at it right, and when you think about it for a long time, what's it all worth? Why should we even bother to fight?

Kram Gamgee: (With a stern tone) Hey, Miss Lizzo, don't tell me it's not worth fighting for! Don't tell me it's not worth dying for! You know it's true-everything I do-I do it for you!

Lizzo Baggins: (Under her breath bitterly) Damn inspirational song-Brian Adams always gets to me!

(Lizzo Baggins smiles gratefully at Kram Gamgee, who is quite bright-eyed at the moment. Then, we see Jenolum sitting nearby, playing tic-tac-toe in the dirt; she suddenly looks up at the hobbits as she realizes they are not speaking)

Jenolum: (In an awkward tone) Er-we're sorry, Kram.we's was distracted. Could you repeat your speech again?

(Kram Gamgee furrows her brow at Jenolum, but immediately diverts her attention to someone else in the area: Maramir, along with what is left of his army. Maramir stares at Kram Gamgee in astonishment)

Maramir: (With a small tone) That was the most beautiful speech I had ever heard in my life-long-but beautiful. It made me feel all warm and pretty inside. (Valiantly) It made me realize one thing-!

Kram Gamgee: (In a hopeful tone) That many things of power are not always what they seem?

Maramir: (With a small scowl) What? No! It taught me that I am much more attractive than my brother ever was! And if I want people to quit confusing me for him, I'm going to have to stop being like him! (Proudly) From now on, I'm going to stay up late, eat fried peanut butter sandwiches, and get a beer-gut!

Nicola: (Flatly at Maramir) Maramir, you get cranky when you stay up past eight, you're allergic to peanuts, and you always spew after one teaspoon of light draft!

Maramir: (Blinking at Nicola for a while) Well, go on and ruin my fun, why don't you-mother! (Looks at Lizzo Baggins, and smiles an actual true smile) I was mistaken about you, Lizzo Baggins. I think we finally understand one another.

Lizzo Baggins: (Angrily) You're dang right we understand each other! I'm right, and you're a big nutter!

Maramir: (With a small nod) So long as we understand each other-(In a loud tone) release them!

Nicola: (In a quick tone) Maramir! Think of what you're doing! If you let them go, your life will be forfeit!

(Maramir stares at the apprehensive looks of all three strangers. But when he looks at the desperate look of Lizzo Baggins, there is no more dispute)

Maramir: (In a proud tone) Then, let it be forfeit! Release them!

(Lizzo Baggins & Kram Gamgee smile at one another; actually happy for the first time in days. The army of Maramir clears the way of the three as they make their way from the city. When the three are far away, Nicola looks at Maramir with a stern look)

Nicola: Your father will not be too happy with this, Maramir!

Maramir: (With a shrug) So, it's forfeit! I don't care! I wasn't in the bet anyways!

Nicola: (Raising her eyebrow) What bet?

Maramir: (Simply) You know! The bet that my dad's going to forfeit me from! I don't bet on dog racing anyways!

Nicola: (Angrily) You fool! That's not what forfeit means!

Maramir: (Curiously) Then what does it mean?

Nicola: (Impatiently) That you could be sentenced to death as punishment for this!

Maramir: (After a great spasm of silence) Ah, DAMN IT!

(We now go to Helm's Deep, where many of the Urak-hai Members are retreating into a nearby forest, the Soldiers or Citizens of Edoras at their heels. We hear many of the Urak-hai Members yelling incoherently at one another)

Urak-hai Members: (Frantically) GET INTO THE FOREST! RETREAT TO THE FOREST! GET INTO THE FOREST!

(We see the Urak-hai Members retreat under the cover of the trees, and many of the Soldiers & Citizens of Edoras stop in their tracks and watch. Suddenly we see Soldier of Edoras#207 look at Rider of Rohan#67)

Soldier of Edoras#207: (In a quizzical tone) Strange, I've never noticed that forest before at Helm's Deep.

Rider of Rohan#67: (Looking bemused) That's because there's not supposed to be a forest at Helm's Deep.

Soldier of Edoras#207: (Looking confused) But-if there's no forest at this fortress, then what's-?

(We suddenly hear many high-pitched screams of the Urak-hai Members from within the forest-which is actually a bunch of Ents from the Fangorn forest. The Soldiers & Citizens of Edoras, and the Riders of Rohan give a shout of triumph-Fangorn has come to Helm's Deep. We hear the Urak-hai Members shout incoherently at one another from within the forest)

Urak-hai Members: (Quite frantically) GET OUT OF THE FOREST! GET OUT OF THE FOREST!

(We now go back to Isengard, which is horribly flooded. We see Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took, standing waist deep in water, looking up at Andraman's tower, where Andraman & Nrima Wormfeces are moving about on the balcony frantically, trying to find some way out of this mess. Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took look quite amused)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a logical tone) He looks pretty pissed, doesn't he?

Rippin Took: (Shrugging) Yep-which doesn't really make any sense. I think he's overreacting.

Jessie Brandybuck: (Nodding) Yeah! I mean-all we did was sic a bunch of Ents upon Isengard, kill all the Orcs in sight, flood all of Isengard, and leave Andraman no way of escaping! Okay-it may be a bit overdramatic, but at least he's got a nice staff.

Rippin Took: (Nodding towards Nrima Wormfeces) Yeah-what I wouldn't give to have a brown noser at my heels.

Jessie Brandybuck: (With a smile) Ditto.

(Jessie Brandybuck's stomach suddenly rumbles violently, causing Rippin Took to stare at her friend)

Jessie Brandybuck: (Embarrassed) Then again, I would probably want to invest in something decent to eat. I'm starving! But, I guess we won't find anything really decent to eat around here, eh?

Rippin Took: (With a shrug) Eh-what're you going to do?

(Rippin Took then takes a huge bite of an apple casually. Jessie Brandybuck looks over once, then double takes as she realizes what her friend is eating. Jessie Brandybuck stares in disbelief at Rippin Took)

Jessie Brandybuck: (Practically hissing) Where did you get that?

Rippin Took: (Looking at Jessie Brandybuck and speaking through a mouth full of apple) What?

Jessie Brandybuck: (Incredulously) That apple? Where'd you get that?

Rippin Took: (With a shrug) I dunno-I found it.

Jessie Brandybuck: (Rolling her eyes) Well, maybe you should have picked up two! With the huge bite you took out of that one, I don't think there's enough to share!

Rippin Took: (With a casual shrug) Ah, it's not so bad, Jessie. I'll find another one.(Picks an apple out from the water) Ah! Here's one! (Tosses it at Jessie Brandybuck) Knock yourself out!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Looking from the apple to Rippin Took) Wait a second! I thought you said you didn't have another one!

Rippin Took: (Looking annoyed) I didn't!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Angrily) Where'd you find this one then? (Indicating the apple in her hand)

Rippin Took: (With a shrug) I picked it out from the water-like the other one!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Curiously) Water? This water? (Indicating the flood around them)

Rippin Took: (Annoyed) Am I talking about any other flood?

(Jessie Brandybuck looks at Rippin Took and realizes that there are many apples floating beside her)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a shocked tone) Dear Lord, Rippin! There's a butt- load of apples floating near you!

Rippin Took: (Confused) Huh? (Looks around her and nods in understanding) Oh-so there are. Well, isn't that peachy?

Jessie Brandybuck: (Grasping Rippin Took by the shoulders and looking very eager) Don't you understand what this means, Rippin?

Rippin Took: (With a shrug) Er-that one of the Ents fell down and lost some of its apples?

Jessie Brandybuck: (Ignoring this) This came from Isengard! If they've got a whole bunch of apples, and we flooded Isengard-then that must mean that there's.

Rippin Took: (Her eyes widening) A store room! (Looking at her apple, sniffing at it, and throwing it carelessly over her shoulder) Nuts to this!

(We see Big Willy standing peacefully in the water, and suddenly Rippin Took's apple comes bolting into his back leg. With a great shout, Big Willy goes down with a splash. But then we go back to the hobbits, who are following a trail of floating apples eagerly. Pretty soon, they find what they're looking for-Andraman's store room. It's full of not only apples, but a bunch of other food items. Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are staring into the room with wide eyes)

Rippin Took: (In a great shout of glee) FOOD!

(Rippin Took bolts into the room, grasps a nearby turkey, and begins to embrace it like a long lost friend. Jessie Brandybuck is looking wild-eyed at every food item within the area)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a breathless voice) I don't believe this! He's got everything in here! Apples! Bread! Turkey! Ham! Veal! Chicken! (Grabs a nearby can and frowns at the label) "Well-preserved fiber dogs"?

Rippin Took: (With a shrug) Old people problems. I rummaged in Kendalf's bag once and found a bunch of Metamucil in there. (Begins to dance with the turkey and sing, "Dancing Cheek To Cheek") Heaven.I'm in heaven.and my heart feels so alive, I can hardly speak!

Jessie Brandybuck: (Going over to a huge barrel and her eyes widen at the sudden thought) No way!

Rippin Took: (With a scowl at her friend) Hey! If you had been on the road for several weeks, eating nothing but lembas, you'd be dancing with a turkey too!

(But Jessie Brandybuck isn't listening, having dragged down the barrel and starting to pry the lid off of it. When she does, Jessie Brandybuck gives a gleeful shout at the contents: a strange, tobacco substance)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a breathless tone) Old Toby!

(Jessie Brandybuck throws the lid accidentally at Rippin Took's head. When it hits her, Rippin Took gives a shout of pain and looks over at her friend. When she sees what Jessie Brandybuck has found, however, Rippin Took drops the turkey in shock)

Rippin Took: (Looking overjoyed) Finest weed in the South Farthing! Incredible!

(Rippin Took throws the barrel lid out of the door, and we see Big Willy- with a bandaged back leg-walk along peacefully, when the barrel lid suddenly collides with his other back leg. With another great shout, Big Willy is down in the water. We go back to the store room, where Rippin Took & Jessie Brandybuck are laying upon some of the shelves, lazing away while they puff on their pipes)

Jessie Brandybuck: (In a relaxed tone) This is the life! We've got a big hold of food-good trees hanging around us-and a nice batch of Old Toby to hold us over. I don't know what Lizzo and Kram were complaining about-this quest isn't so bad!

Rippin Took: (In a simple tone) Yeah! Not to mention, this conquering stuff isn't so bad, either. I'm a regular Neapolitan.

Jessie Brandybuck: (With a small scowl) Er-it's Napoleon, Rippin.

Rippin Took: (In a lazy tone) Don't bother me, Jessie-I'm trying to relax.

(Suddenly, we see Big Nuts stick his head into the storeroom)

Big Nuts: (In a curious tone) Ah-so this is where you've been, young hobbits! Big Willy's been complaining about demented items aimed towards his back legs, and I was wondering if you've seen-? (Suddenly realizes where the hobbits are at) I say, you really have found the mother load, eh?

Jessie Brandybuck: (Not even bothering to sit up) Absolutely, Big Nuts.

Rippin Took: (In a friendly tone) Say, Big Nuts, you ever had any Old Toby?

Big Nuts: (Thinking about it) In all my Ent years-I have never heard of such a thing.

Rippin Took: (In a shocked tone) What? You've never heard of Old Toby? You've got to try some! It's the best pipe weed in the South Farthing!

(Rippin Took hands her pipe over to Big Nuts, who clasps it in his humongous hand and takes a good puff; then, the top of his head begins to smoke and we see a small flame appear)

Big Nuts: (Not noticing that he's on fire and considering the pipe weed) Not bad.it's got a nice ting to it.

Rippin Took: (Her eyes wide in horror as she watches the fire spread on the Ent's head) Er-Big Nuts-!

Big Nuts: (Still critiquing the pipe weed) I haven't had many brands of tobacco-many of them being Southern relatives-but this isn't so bad.

Jessie Brandybuck: (Sitting up and gawking at the Ent's state) Good Lord, Big Nuts! You're on fire!

Big Nuts: (In a modest tone) Well, I used to write critic articles for the local paper-

Rippin Took: (Seriously) No, Big Nuts! Literally, you're on fire! (Big Nuts looks up and sees that almost the entire top of his head's on fire. He begins to scream hysterically and run around the room)

Big Nuts: (Sounding hysterical) MY NUTS! SAVE MY NUTS! (Tries reaching for his burning acorns) SOMEBODY SAVE MY GLORIOUS NUTS!

(And with that, Big Nuts runs about the room, totally wrecking everything. Rippin Took screams and is able to just jump out of the way before her shelf is knocked down. Meanwhile, Jessie Brandybuck is scooping up buckets of water and trying to splash them on Big Nuts, only to miss and hit Rippin Took)

Rippin Took: (Irritably at Jessie Brandybuck) Do you mind, Jessie? I'm not the one on fire!

Big Nuts: (Screaming) FIRE! OH GOD! FIRE!

(Still screaming, Big Nuts runs out of the storeroom. We see Big Willy, who is simply standing still with both his legs bandaged, looking about cautiously. Then, we hear Big Nuts scream hysterically, then see him come over, push Big Willy down into water, and dunk his head under the water while his brother cascades into the water again. Steam billows from the water and Big Nuts gives a relieved sigh. We see Jessie Brandybuck & Rippin Took watching from the door of the storeroom)

Rippin Took: (In a shocked voice) Wow, I guess it is true-smoking really does affect those around you.

Jessie Brandybuck: (With a firm nod) You've got that right. I guess we learned our lesson, hmm?

Rippin Took: (With a nod) I'll say. Always remember to tip your pizza delivery guy.

Jessie Brandybuck: (In an angry tone) No! That's not the lesson! The lesson is that pipe weed is much more dangerous than it seems!

Rippin Took: (Indignantly) Yeah-well, mine's better.