Chapter Four: Life's a Picnic

My hostess found me again in short order. She seemed to be in a good mood and I was fearful about opening my mouth. All it did was get me into trouble.

"Oh," Her face lit up before she paused. I realized she didn't know my name. How typical. I'm such a lady-killer. "Himura, Kenshin Himura."

"Kenshin." She tested it out. And apparently found it to her liking, "Kenshin, I just wanted to invite you to the town picnic!"

'How lovely.' Battousai sneered and my mind blanked out temporarily in shock. I never thought the term lovely would ever be uttered by his badness. Not even in sarcasm.

"Are you okay?"

Not trusting my voice I nodded and flashed a bright smile. "A picnic sounds lovely, that it does."

Actually, it brought back horrible, torturous memories involving my Master and too much sake. A nine year old should never, never have been subjected to that. I don't care what the circumstances were.

"Come on then." She captured my hand. With a gentle smile I allowed her to drag me along, while mentally calling myself every name I could possibly think of. What in the world was I thinking? Did my brain shut down due to the breakfast I ingested this morning?

Most of the town was already there. I noticed Miss Misao hanging around Aoshi again. Apparently she was incredibly persistent. Poor, poor man. My hostess just had to drag me over there. Honestly I'd rather be with Saitou than Mister Servant of God. At least the wolf made his intention of killing me very clear.

"Kaoru, who's that?"

"This is Kenshin Himura." She introduced me and helped to lay the large, checkered blanket down on the ground. My well-trained eyes detected a slight mound. Rushing forward I hoped to save Miss Kaoru from a fate worse than death.

"Ouch." Miss Misao yelped loudly rubbing her barefoot ruefully. "Something bit me." That little comment was followed by a not so lady like curse complete with an interesting dance of burning pain, and lots of hand slapping. Battousai was incredibly amused.

Kaoru slapped her ankle and leapt up. Little red insects were pouring all over the blanket in a crazed frenzy, on a mission to search and destroy. The tiny killers were swarming all over both girls and they were howling. Temporarily stunned by the unnaturally loud noises that belted out from their lungs, I watched in morbid fascination as the red stream of pissed critters made their way towards Aoshi. The man was deep in meditation. It'd be a nice way to see just how far above the physical plane he really was.

I was hoping for a bellow of pain, but I suppose that was too much to ask. I would have settled for a small whimper. Stupid priest.

There was a loud crashing noise, which jerked my attention away from Aoshi. Kaoru was stomping frantically and smashing the ground with the picnic basket. Food flew everywhere. Dodging to the left a cold chicken just missed my head. There was a sickening splat as it made contact with someone behind me.

"That was my new dress!" A familiar voice howled angrily with no trace of honey in his voice.

'It's an ugly dress. I believe he would make excellent bear bait.'

Deciding that I would do anything for a lady except being attacked by enraged *fire ants I inched away slowly.

"Kenshin!" Kaoru howled.

'Bitch.' Battousai snarled knowing I couldn't help it. There was something about her that drew me. If it meant being bitten to death I would just have to live with that. 'Fool, do you not recall we are allergic?'

Oh yeah, that one little detail.

Rushing forward with my super godlike speed I swept her up bridal style leaving Miss Misao to fend for herself. It seemed she had gotten hold of a hot thing of tea and was doing her best to drown the little buggers.

Stopping just out of reach I turned to watch the action. Kaoru's heartbeat had sped up and it felt oddly disconcerting to have her so close to me. There I go with the teenage hormones again. Her sapphire eyes stared at me like deep pools and she almost looked grateful. Or so I thought.

"What are you doing you pervert!" She screamed like she was being raped and flailed about dramatically. Hanging on to her was like catching a fish with your hands. Not exactly impossible, but definitely harder than it looks. A lucky punch connected with my nose and I heard a pop. Blood poured everywhere. On me, on her, on Aoshi who was still oblivious to the world around him.

She paused suddenly remorseful. Talk about mood swings. "I'm so sorry Kenshin!" Her gentle fingers traced along my nose unmindful of the slick blood. I would have enjoyed the sensation except for the tiny insects crawling up my legs. With a rather unmanly howl of pain I dropped her right into the seething mass of the buggers.

'Good job Romeo.'

Fumbling I retrieved her. Well, not that way! But when I tried to step forward further out of reach I realized too late that my feet had swollen up. So of course I tripped. Twisting around I managed to land on my back and get crushed by Miss Kaoru's weight. Not that she was fat! No, no. In fact, those curves were pressing in all the right places. Unfortunately the ants were biting in all the wrong ones.

"Father Aoshi!" Misao shrieked somewhere above me. I darted a glance up just in time to see an arc of really hot tea soar through the air and douse the man.

Apparently, the revenge of his favorite drink could pain Aoshi in a way no fire ant ever could. Especially down there. I almost felt sorry for him when he shot straight up in the air only to smash his head on a low branch. So much for a feared spy. Civilian life was making him soft. Or maybe the burning pain in his groin was clouding his senses.

"Father Aoshi, let me help you." Misao wailed in shock. She had a wad of some sort of red material in her hand.

'Oh yes, let her help.'

"Hey Weasel, that's my bandanna!" Sano growled trying to snatch it back. He was unsuccessful because a certain black haired woman just happened to stand up at the time. Toppling over he smashed into a small sapling. An ominous buzzing noise filled the air.

Kaoru pushed against me, but I didn't let go. That didn't sound good in the slightest. Luckily, I had inched far enough away on my butt that we were a good hundred feet or so from the chaos.

"Let me-!" Kaoru started to struggle against me and I pinned her arms firmly. I didn't need more scars.

"I do not think that is wise, that I don't." I soothed, "This unworthy one would not like to see you hurt. You should stay here, that you should."

Okay, so she wasn't buying that crap for a second. Oh well, it was worth a shot.

"What's that sound?" She halted her pain inflicting activities and started at the doomed Sano with wide eyes.

"Son of a Bitch!" Sanosuke bellowed like an enraged bull. He pranced around like one too. Right through the potato salad.

The hornets weren't impressed by his voice or his insult. Being tall and with that hideous hair cut how could they resist? You must admit he's a tempting target. Not to mention he was the one to rile them in the first place.

By then, Aoshi had regained enough sense to crawl away and hide under a bench.

'Too bad it's not a rock.' Battousai snorted.

Misao had also taken refuge under there, while the lady that tripped Sano and a few other town folk slipped away.

Sano was a moving target. I'm sure the hornets enjoyed a challenge, but Saitou was far from pleased when the youth started to stagger in his direction. He glared, like that was going to stop the guy, and stood his ground. Isn't Pride one of the Deadly Sins? I think so.

"God damn it! These bastards hurt like bloody hell!" Wasn't cursing prohibited on Sunday? I secretly began to wonder if Sano had ever been aboard a sea going vessel. His vocabulary certainly rivaled the most hardened seaman. "Listen you pieces of shit, if you think-."

The rest of his sentence was cut off rather abruptly as his foot plunged into a prairie dog hole. Going down like an injured cow horse, he swung his fists around blindly. The hornets, confused perhaps, changed their target. Who says insects can't communicate?

The swarm did a quick right and attacked the nearest being foolish enough to be in range: Saitou.

I saw the end of the world coming.

Closing my eyes I awaited Saitou's reaction. Nothing. Peeking I was disappointed to find the man was unharmed. Smoke wafted up from his cigarette lazily and his face was bored. The hornets buzzed uncertainly, seeming confused. Slowly they backed off and returned to their ruined home. Which is not to say they didn't go after any idiot within stinging distance.

"I always knew those things were bad for you, Hajime." Tokio remarked calmly as she rejoined her husband. Any issues they had the night before were now placed behind the mask of social obligation.

People slowly crept out of their hiding places. I gathered this wasn't a normal town picnic. How lucky I am to see all the action.

Then there was a very fetching scream from the woods bordering the lake. Yumi and Kamatari were bolting towards the group with terror on their faces. Of course, when in life threatening danger, what's better than to bicker with your archrival? Does wonders to distract your mind from emanate death.

"This is all your fault. You smell like dinner!" Yumi accused, panting. Kamatari stuck his tongue out and retorted, "And you are going to be dinner running like that darling."

A rather large black bear was barreling along after them.

"Not if I run faster than you!" Yumi replied speeding up. You've got to give the girl some credit; running in a dress must be horribly hard.

Secretly, I pulled out my gun and shot over the beast's head. No one needed to get hurt here, not even the poor bear. He paused ponderously with his nose twitching. Slowly, it took him that long to consider, he decided that perhaps eating humans wasn't the wisest choice. Not even if they did smell like cold chicken.

Yahiko picked up a container of some sort from the wreck of Kaoru's basket and chucked it after the bear. It bounced off the large creature's back. The bear, not liking being pelted, but intrigued by the flying gift of food carefully chomped it up. Within seconds it was lumbering over the hills wailing in pain and misery.

Yahiko whooped in glee, "That'll teach him! Ugly's cooking is the most deadly thing in this town!"

Oh boy.

Miss Kaoru knocked me away with a solid blow to the stomach. Winded I toppled back into the river's edge. The water wasn't quite so fast, in fact, it was soothing my angry ant bites. The water was slightly muddy, but I wasn't going to be choosey.

"Hey, Himura, get out of there!" Miss Misao snapped at me.

'Make me bitch.' Battousai snarled and I was inclined to agree with him. It was a free river.

Sano limped over and dragged me out by the scruff scrunching up his nose. Well, he didn't smell all that great himself.

"Put me down." I hissed. There were limits to this unworthy one's patience after all. He complied by dumping me down on top of Miss Misao. She twisted away. Really, I know I smelled, but did that mean everyone had to recoil like that? Maybe my eyes were amber? I checked. Nope, the cage was shut and locked up tight. Battousai was safe and sound in solitary confinement.

"Kenshin…" Kaoru trailed off. Puzzled I looked down. Dark shapes were plastered to my legs and… places I'd rather not mention.

"Ohohohoho." The woman who tripped Sano chuckled. If I actually trusted my eyes at the moment, I would have swore fox ears topped her head. "Clinic time."

Facts

-* Fire ants (Solenopis invicta): They were accidentally introduced from South America to Alabama by ship. This was in the late 1930's so they wouldn't be there in my story. Texas has natives of these nasty suckers, but they wouldn't be in Colorado either ^^;;; But I really do hate the buggers, and it was too good to pass up. So forgive the inaccuracy!

-Hornets (Dolichovespula spp.): Stings from bees, hornets, and wasps cause more deaths than bites and stings from all other insects and spiders. However, hornets rarely sting people unless the nest is disturbed. They produce very large, gray nests in trees, shrubs or under external eaves of homes. Treat the sting site with an antiseptic to prevent a possible infection. Cool lotions or compresses can help relieve pain and swelling. Crushed aspirin or powdered meat tenderizer also can help reduce the pain.

- Black Bears (Ursus americanus): Black bears are omnivores (meaning they eat both meat and veggies): carrion, fruit, nuts, honey (bees, waxy comb and all), young deer and elk, birds, eggs, and insects. Up to 90% of their diet is vegetation. What to Do if You Come Across a Black Bear? Stay calm. Move away and talk aloud to let the bear discover your presence. Back away slowly while facing the bear. Don't make eye contact, run, or make sudden movements. Don't climb a tree! Unlike grizzles, black bears are excellent climbers.

- Leeches (Macrobdella decora):Leeches are flattened, segmented water worms. They have two suckers, one at each end of their bodies. Most are parasites. 'Macrobdellas' are the leeches that attach themselves to humans. This leech has a large, round mouth that also functions as a sucker to hold on to the host. Jaws around the mouth opening hold many fine (thin) teeth. Wounds produced when bloodsucking leeches attach will bleed for a while after the leech is removed or drops. An enzyme secreted by the leech keeps blood from coagulating (blood clotting) as it feeds. A slight to an intense itching sensation around the attachment is normal, but serious problems rarely develop. Without proper care, however, these sites may become infected. Now, you people may take this better than me, but leeches are still used to treat patients (no joke!). They have leech farms and everything *shudder*. Anyway, stay away from warm, still water where there's mud or reeds. To remove leeches you can use salt, vinegar, or fire (kinda like ticks, eww). Don't yank them off, it probably won't work if they're really attached. ^_^

A/N : Lookie, lookie, I got the dang thing to do html! How awesome is that? Now I can use bold and stuff. Of course it took twenty minutes and three writing programs to get it to work...

Reviewers:

Riverwood: Oh yes, our very hyper, sugar-high, kunai-wielding friend, I have plans for her >:) Hmm, as for Tomoe, there may be references. I actually *just* watched Trust and Betrayal yesterday (meaning I'm going to watch it at least two more times ^__^;;; before I actually use any of the characters in a story). So, in this story she's 6 feet under.

Trupana: There will be more Megumi. The problem with managing a full cast is there are so darn many of them! So usually they get to star in chapters (with the exception of Kenny, because he's the main character and all). I have considered romance, and with great reluctance (yeah right :P ) decided to give it a shot. However, I warn you now, I refuse to pay for any psychartist bills! I've never seen Zorro, so the parallel wasn't intentional =D Hmm, you could try 'sitting' him, but I think he'd just stare at you like you were crazy. Thank you for such an opinionated review, you guys don't realize how much you fuel (and amuse) me with them! Makes my day.

MissBehavin: Hmm, don't know, Sano and Misao, that sounds like trouble ^__^ Awesome! I'll try to see if I can work those in. I actually knew (kind of) about the "dead man's hand" (from a soap opera no less -.-; see what Italy reduced me to?). I didn't know about the term "shot of whiskey", that cool. I'm always amazed to find out where terms actually come from!

Fyyrrose: B will get his time in the spot light, don't worry. This isn't all blood and gore. I know you like that and all, but entrails aren't that humorous. Can Aoshi talk for hours about anything? *thinks about it* That's a scary thought. Misao's not going to die, unless it's of embarassment. Tell WPB that I've trained the hellhounds to attack with vicious licking attacks!

Califpinay3001: Be afraid, be very afraid >:) And believe it or not Aoshi being a priest does have some tactical stuff behind it!