Best read if listening to 'We are in the Jailhouse Now' by the Soggybottom Boys ^__^ the original inspiration for this pretty pickle the cast lands in

Chapter Seven: We're in the Jailhouse Now

We all trooped into the jailhouse a sorry mess of drunken sods. Well, I wasn't drunk, but Saitou decided it would be fun to bring me along. Jerk. Okay, so Battousai did quite a bit of damage. Once again, he leaves me to clean up his mess. For once couldn't he just stick it out? The sadistic bastard. Thriving off making my life a misery like that.

"'Ey, old man, why ya- why ya lockin' us up?" Sano slurred. He sported a few minor cuts and the beginnings of what looked to be a fabulous shiner.

"Because, Moron," Saitou said perfectly annunciating, and slow like speaking to a two year old, "You were in the middle of a bar fight. I think it should be perfectly obvious why you and your friends are here."

"I don't see why I'm here!" Miss Misao shouted, red faced. Lobo growled and she growled back. I wondered if she was either suicidal or really was so livid that she just didn't care. I also wondered how long it would take for her to really tick the wolf off. "All I did was go in for a drink. I can't help it if some perverted guys were hitting on me. A girl's got to defend herself!"

Saitou lit a cigarette and blew smoke into the night's air with a look of utter boredom. She didn't impress him much obviously. Fueling the fire. Apparently Miss Misao did not like to be ignored, which struck me as odd, because obviously Aoshi treated her like that all the time. Ah, the twists and turns of human emotions lead to the ridicules.

"Does defending oneself cover your attempted castration?" Saitou asked causally and the rest of the company, myself included, blanched. Superstitiously, my hands drifted down to cover that area protectively. He was going to lock us up with her?

"You're going to make sure that she's knife-less when we go in the cell right?" Katsu asked, worried. His long, black hair was flopping everywhere, but other that than he didn't seem drunk. Almost sane even.

Saitou didn't answer merely shoved us into the small building. Two man rose to their feet and eyed us from the other side of the metal bars.

"Pete, Rick, I was wondering where you guys went. You weren't in church today you know!" I had the feeling that church was a very important thing to Miss Misao. I also got this sinking feeling in my gut that those guys weren't in church because they had been in jail. That made me wonder about the lack of management.

"I forgot about you two lack wits." Saitou growled, his golden eyes flashing. Something made me think that 'forgetting' and forgetting weren't exactly the same thing. Just a hunch. Saitou turned the keys and flicked the gate open smoothly, "You are free to leave. Try not to be so stupid next time."

"You shit, we've been in there for a week!"

"Yes, and you are lucky my wife is a kind hearted woman."

"Oro!"

The two very irate miners stomped out giving Saitou blaring death glares and rude gestures. The lean man ignored them entirely, flicking some ash off his stick. He ushered us in and ceremoniously slammed the iron behind us. There was an air of intense satisfaction about him and he looked at me, pleased. I covered my eyes with my bangs willing myself not to glare back.

Battousai, taking his look as a challenge, started to growl and froth. He paced knowing I wouldn't let my guard slip, although for that man I might make an exception. He was infuriating. I could see why Missus Tokio could be unhappy. He could try the patience of a saint.

"I will return to let you trouble makers out in the morning when you sober up." He commented lingering to gloat.

"What!" Miss Misao shrieked making her cell mates cringe. An angry young woman with knives tended not to make the best people to share, well, anything with. "But," She started to keen, "I have to be there to give Father Aoshi his tea!"

"I don't think that man could even look at tea after earlier." Katsu commented, amused, under his breath. I agreed. As much as the man creeped me out, no guy deserved that fate.

"You heard me Weasel. And that's if someone makes bail for your sorry hide."

Bail? What was this about bail?

"Donna listen ta him. He's shittin' ya 'sall." Sano slurred. His form was already sprawled in what looked to be an incredibly uncomfortable position on the rock hard bed. The only one in the cell might I add. "He hasta let us out or Tokio will. Whewee, I thought me 'n' the fox could fight. Nufin' on them."

"Moron, I trust you to keep your trap shut about my personal affairs." Saitou not quite snarled and Lobo looked on with sudden interest.

"Why. It ain' like it ain' common knowledge!" Sano proclaimed triumphantly. "The 'hole town knows that ya 'n' the lady ain' gettin' 'long right."

There was the cold silence as he stared at Katsu, then Misao in turn. Both of them had the presence of mind not to mess with the incredibly volatile man. Kamatari, who had been remarkable silent before now, met his stare with a slow smile. Now, as far as I know he wasn't drunk.

"Honey, you know, if you treated the woman a bit better I bet she wouldn't mind warming your bed every now and again."

Rather than shoot the she-man dead between the eyes Saitou took on an almost thoughtful quality. I could see something behind those narrow eyes. Then he turned, "I hope someone will retrieve you idiots tomorrow. I don't like trash in my jail."

"Trash?" Misao snarled, "Come back and I'll show you who's trash!"

The door slammed in answering and only a low light was given off from the lantern by the door. I looked around at my cellmates with reserves and once again bemoaned my fate. Someone up above must be out to get me.

'No, you are just such a wimp you let yourself get into these situations.' Battousai grinned, 'Don't blame others for your fate. Men make their own fate: good or evil.'

That was very profound.

I tossed some ice-cold water at him. He sputtered and glared with deadly amber eyes. Ah, so I struck a cord. Well, forgive me if I didn't cry a river at his cold, drenched, shivering form.

"Let's play a game." Miss Misao suggested looking around. I seated myself against the opposing wall hoping they would say no. They seemed like their game would be poker, or how many scotches until I'm so drunk I can't see or speak or move. She glanced over me, "C'mon Himura, I know you're sober."

Oh how I wish it weren't so.

"This unworthy one is tired, that he is. Perhaps another time Miss Misao." I replied closing my eyes. Suddenly there was this presence. I snapped my eyes open to meet a brilliant pair of emeralds a couple of inches from my own soft purple ones. With a startled 'oro' and a fake show of surprise I fell over. Actually, the floor wasn't too cold. I might actually get some sleep if a certain hyper young woman would leave me alone.

"So whatcha wanna play then weasel gal?" Sano leered and I was suddenly made aware of the fact that she was the only female among us. With two drop dead drunk males and one not-so-sane he-she. I don't think a thought crossed the young woman's mind about it. Then again, she had been around a lot longer than I had. She knew them, they knew her… and this was getting a bit too creative for me. I cut off that thought right there.

Kamatari had this amused smirk and speculative gleam. I didn't want to know, I really didn't.

"I know, since we don't have any cards, we can play I Spy."

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but what kind of name is I Spy? As a child I hadn't played much. Before my parents died of cholera, I had worked on our small backwater acreage. I was too young back then to understand much. When they died I lived with some relatives. Ones who were in risky situations with the Underground Railroad. Their farm was raided and burned, my relatives murdered right before my eyes. That was the first time I met Master.

"Himura!" Miss Misao complained, breaking me from the memories.

"What are you smiling at?" Kamatari asked.

"This unworthy one was not thinking of anything particular." My childhood should have bothered me, but I recalled when Master found me. If anything, I was smiling for the man. I'd not seen him since I ran away at age fifteen.

"Sure sugar."

"I spy with my little eye something red."

"Himura's hair." Katsu suggested.

"Saitou's face when Sanosuke made his comments." Kamatari added.

"That wass kinda funny, wassin it?" Sano grinned and I noticed his red headband. Well, it's not like there are a lot of red things unless you count the dried bloodstain on the wall next to me.

"Sano's headband."

"Wow, you spoke normally!" Misao yelped happily, totally ignoring my guess. She twirled slightly and pointed, "It was Sano's headband!"

'Do you think she got enough love as a child?'

"My tur'." Sano said, his glassy eyes roving around slightly. They landed on Misao and he said with a rakish grin, "I spy with my little eye a furry rodent."

Where? What rodent? Was it a rat, I hated rats! With their beady little eyes and bald little tails. A shudder rippled through me. I could face down psychopaths without batting an eye, deal with killer wolves with ease, but the thought… eww!

'What's that!'

I jumped and saw nothing. Battousai started chucking with maniacal glee.

"I'm going to plunk you and skin you, you rooster head!" Misao howled materializing a pair of sharp looking knives. Katsu, who had been sitting next to the young man, scrambled frantically over to where Kamatari and I had pressed against the other cell wall.

Sano, oblivious to the world and on the verge of passing out, continued blithely on, "She's got som' temper ther', but I like that. When she's bein' all happy and perky she's like a perty forest sprite o' somethin'. And when she blushes, that's so cute 'n' all…"

Misao paused in mid-leap, knives extended, before gracefully diverting her course next to him and stashing the knives out of harms way.

When he pitched forward and landed straight on her chest she really regretted that action dearly. After being inflicted with Sano's wandering hands I still couldn't imagine having the man's face in my chest. Okay, I'm scaring myself. Sick.

With an unearthly shriek, she shoved the man off her front. He literally flew backwards before knocking into the wall behind him. Slowly his body slithered into a boneless heap at the girl's feet.

"Heh, I never thought he'd actually say that out loud." Katsu remarked fiddling with something in the corner. I cast a suspicious eye towards the man. What was he doing now? He didn't strike me as the type to sit idle.

"What are you doing now?" Misao growled, but I could see a faint blush on her cheeks. She had taken up on the now vacant bed with her legs tucked against her chest and her arms around them. Her chin rested on her knees, but she didn't so much as glance at the man she'd sent crashing to the ground. Her sharp eyes rested on Katsu and she flicked her braid back.

I slid over to Sano. He was breathing deeply. Good lord, he was asleep! He must be like a bull or something. Or maybe he was in a coma? There wasn't any blood or anything. He just was sleeping, I hoped anyway.

"Nothing much."

"You know you're not allowed near explosives after last time." Misao chided closing her eyes sleepily.

Last… time…?

"You are making this unworthy one nervous, that you are!" I sputtered catching sight of the distinct black label and a skull on the rust brown wrapper. He gave an unnerving grin and held up the long cylinder for me to see. Short of shooting him, I couldn't think what to do. Psychobabble didn't work on drunks, believe me, I tried it on Master plenty of times.

"Just a little spark." Katsu chanted playing with a few matches. He'd strike them up before letting them burn down to his fingers. He cast away the blackened stubs carelessly. Soon they littered the floor around him and he was down to the last one. He fingered that one with reverence and I desperately looked for an escape. This was insane! He was insane! He was drunker than he looked, and mentally off his rocker to boot. He struck it and eyed the flame with glittering black orbs. An unstable smile crossed his face and he remarked offhand, "You know what? It's been fun and all, but I really think I'm sick of being in jail now. You all have been wonderful, couldn't ask for better cellmates. I've always thought this building was ugly and useless anyway."

'Do it, do it, do it!'

I jumped forward to extinguish the flame when Katsu made a swift flicking motion with his wrist. Closing my eyes I waited for the sensation of being torn apart to over take me. Nothing happened. Soft chuckling made me take a peek. Katsu was leaning against the wall with his head bowed.

Kamatari was snickering lowly from the other side of me, "He really had you going there honey. He likes to psych people out like that. Well, after the amount of rye he's had this evening it's no wonder he passed out."

My heart was pounding in my ears and my brain barely processed what I'd been told. The bastard, he gave me a heart attack!

'Let me teach him a lesson!' Battousai urged railing at the bars. He started pacing before settling back down with a highly amused look. 'You are so gullible.'

"So how about we finish what was started yesterday evening?" Kamatari purred and I skittered back, "There's no yucky Yumi here to interfere."

"I don't have money." I blurted.

The she-he looked me up and down appraisingly. "I don't want any money. I see if you are scared enough you stop all that unworthy one nonsense. I like it."

How to put this bluntly? "I like women."

'That's not what you said before.'

"But, sweety, I am a woman."

I stumbled back over Sano who rolled over and groaned. What to say, what to say? How to be polite?

"This unworthy one thinks that nature says otherwise."

"I'll show you nature." He promised. My violet eyes looked past him-her. A big, ugly, hairy, hideous rat was sitting there looking at me with black bead eyes. Scared witless I thrashed out heedlessly smashing Kamatari away for me. Taken by surprise at my sudden, violent action he went backwards dashing himself against the bars. With a soft moan of pain his eyes rolled back in his head and he sunk to the floor out cold.

'Good shot!'

This unworthy one didn't mean to hurt him! I half argued, half pleaded. There was a rat. As if I needed to explain. The whole time my eyes were locked on the large, brown rodent. Its coat gleamed in the lamplight and the beads twinkled. Unconcerned, the tiny beast began to clean its whiskers with little clawed hands.

'So what are you going to do about that?' Battousai asked seriously. He watched me with those eerie, amber eyes and an emotionless face.

"You kill it." I whimpered under my breath.

A/N: *cowers* I almost didn't post this. Sorry, no facts today, I didn't feel like it. I'll dig some up for next time ^.-- I've been working hard on my new story (33 pages in 3 days hard). Don't worry! I'm not going to stop this one or anything, I still have one more premade chapter (*growls* it would be and a half if the bloody thing hadn't crashed *fumes*). This is probably about halfway done, maybe a little bit more (still fuzzy on the ending). I had WAY too much fun writing this chapter.

Reviewers:

Houndingwolf: *bows deeply* I take that as a compliment. Just another off the wall idea from the slightly tipsy mind of myself. Oh yes, poor Sessha >=] Okay, I don't feel sorry for him in the least, but I'm pretending to be nice... -.-;; ... did it work?

Nigihayami Haruko: He'll get some more screen time. We all love the golden eyed freak *grin*(and fyyrrose threatened me if I didn't let him have some fun O__O;;)

MissBehavin: *bemused expression* For the sole purpose of humor I have made a characiture of all the characters. Megumi is just an easy target for that. I took the most noticable thing about her mannerism and blew it way out of proportion ^^;; I actually do like her! Er... well, more than Kaoru and Misao anyway. I really liked Tomoe *ducks as sharp objects wizz by* O.o No one else seems to! Kaoru's fun, hehe.

Fyyrrose: (:| =] You rant at 3 am.

The Weird One2: First off: Don't listen to anything Fyyrose says! She is really a void kitsune wanting to steal your yang! I'm the poor abused one here, listening to her so often! Your reviews do help! Moral support, mwahaha. Fuel to the fire that is my mind. Burning brightly. Tell me about it, I was reading about medicene in the civil war. *hack* The leg just had to go, sorry. What's that? Choroform, morphine, oh no my dear boy, you're in war shock, you don't need them >.