"You're such a romantic." I run my fingers along his jaw before giving him
another kiss. The rest of the night becomes a blur from the alcohol and
sometime during the early hours I fall deeply asleep wrapped in Martin's
arms.
******
I roll around, awakened by the sunlight and the warm hands holding me close. I glance over at Martin and see us tangled in the bed sheets. I feel his warm skin against mine, and wonder exactly how far we went last night. Most of what happened is a blur, and what I do remember is agreeing not to have sex just yet, because he cares too much. I laugh inwardly at the idea and wonder what Jack would say or think to the absurdity of it.
"Mmm, Sam," I hear his voice in my ears and his hands on my back holding me close. It's the first time I've heard the words 'Sam' on his lips where it doesn't make my stomach churn with nausea. I lean down, pressing a soft kiss to his bare chest.
I feel him stirring beneath me and immediately his body freezes as he awakens. "Samantha?" He whispers out, his hands moving away from my body and running through his hair. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?" I counter.
"No," he winces at the words, worried I'll kill him.
"Me either," I laugh at the idea. "I remember us fooling around a bit, but I don't know when you took your clothes off."
"Yeah," he glances down at his bare chest and then towards my breasts. Only now am I aware of the underwear and bra I'm wearing to bed. When did I get changed? I shake off the thought, not wanting to remember what happened as I feel his finger dip under my chin. "You're not going to kill me, are you?"
"No," I shake my head. "I'm as much to blame as you are. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'd remember if something happened."
"Right," he nods, glancing around the walls of the bedroom.
"Martin, relax." I run my hand over his chest. "You told me last night how you felt about me. Isn't this what you wanted?" I move my finger tips over his skin and down across his stomach.
"You have no idea," he whispers out in a haze.
"Then show me," I toy with him, his eyes watching mine as my fingers tease at the edge of his boxers but don't delve any lower.
"I told you, Sam," his voice catches in his throat, not being able to speak the final syllables of my name. "I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our working relationship."
"I can handle that," I grin in response, moving my lips to his ear. "Can you?" I tease out in a seductive tone, drawing my tongue along his lobe.
"Samantha," he breathes out. "I can't do this, knowing you're still in love with Jack."
"What?" I stop dead in my tracks; my hands don't know what to touch or whether to move. I feel Martin's fingers in my hair as he rolls me onto my back and he props himself on his elbows to lean down and look into my eyes.
"I know about your affair with him. I don't judge you, Samantha, but I just can't go into this knowing your heart's with him."
"He was the first man I ever truly loved," I whisper out, "and, worst of all, I couldn't have him."
"He was stupid, Samantha."
"No, I was."
"He was," Martin tells me, "for letting you go." I feel his lips pressing a kiss to my forehead and his hands in my hair trying to softly soothe me. "I know I'm not him, but I love you all the same." He presses a kiss to my cheek. "I would worship you like heaven on earth, Samantha."
"I know you would." I feel my heart breaking because my heart is with Jack, but Martin's heart is with me.
Do I give in to temptation? Lisa once told me I had to move on, that it was the only way to heal. She's right, but it hurts so much, I feel as though it might kill me.
Besides, didn't Jack betray me? He went behind my back to read Lisa's file on me? Isn't that worse than reading someone's diary? It feels that way. I remember back in sixth grade, Janice, one of my friends, ripped the lock off my diary and read it aloud. I had another friend over, and she heard everything inside. I couldn't bear to stand up and fight with her. Instead, I ran out crying because I felt betrayed and embarrassed that I was ever her friend.
Funny thing is, Jack knows this story. He knows about all the people in my life who've hurt me. I realize I hardly know anything of his. Whenever we talked, it was while we lay in bed together, although more often than not, he had to leave. Every time he'd sit up ready to leave, my stomach would knot, remembering how he was never mine and always something I wanted more of. He always went back to her, and always would.
"Samantha," I hear Martin's words jarring me back to reality and his hands running through my hair. I close my eyes, enjoying the sensual feeling and missing the comfort of a man in my bed.
"Yeah?" I glance into his eyes.
"Are you ok?" I feel him roll onto his side and his body rest against mine.
"Yeah, for the most part," I answer honestly. "I guess I'm just having a hard time moving on."
"From Jack?" He questions with a sigh.
I nod my head, feeling silent tears flow a course down my cheek. I feel Martin's lips on my skin, lapping at my pain and kissing it away. The kisses he plants are soft and friendly, trying not to rouse my desires. I brush my lips against his, wanting to feel needed. It's been too long since someone who really cared for me made love to me. I feel my eyes slipping closed as I wish it were Jack here with me.
"Martin," I whisper out, hearing his name on my tongue, sounding foreign but not awful. I feel his hand trailing along my stomach and his lips moving their way down my neck over the curve of my breasts. "Yes," I breathe out in a moan, my words growing numb as my body regains a feeling I haven't experienced in far too long. His hands do wonders as his lips continue touching and tasting every ounce of me while we're shedding our clothes.
As our bodies become intertwined, I hear his words in my ear, "I love you so much." I bite down on my lip, not knowing what to say in response as I move my lips to his to silence him.
He lies above me, our bodies coated in sweat, our eyes shut. I open mine, feeling him roll off my frame and I move to rest against his naked skin.
We both lie there without words and, in this moment, my mind is clear and at ease.
I pull the sheet snuggly around my body, giving him a soft kiss as I watch him fall asleep. My eyes study his peaceful face and I roll around in bed, careful not to stir him. I still don't feel that I'm over the man I love, but at least there's someone here who loves me. I'm not certain I'm doing the right thing, but I'm not sure what else to do---when the man I love is married and trying to work things out with his wife.
******
I roll around, awakened by the sunlight and the warm hands holding me close. I glance over at Martin and see us tangled in the bed sheets. I feel his warm skin against mine, and wonder exactly how far we went last night. Most of what happened is a blur, and what I do remember is agreeing not to have sex just yet, because he cares too much. I laugh inwardly at the idea and wonder what Jack would say or think to the absurdity of it.
"Mmm, Sam," I hear his voice in my ears and his hands on my back holding me close. It's the first time I've heard the words 'Sam' on his lips where it doesn't make my stomach churn with nausea. I lean down, pressing a soft kiss to his bare chest.
I feel him stirring beneath me and immediately his body freezes as he awakens. "Samantha?" He whispers out, his hands moving away from my body and running through his hair. "What happened?"
"You don't remember?" I counter.
"No," he winces at the words, worried I'll kill him.
"Me either," I laugh at the idea. "I remember us fooling around a bit, but I don't know when you took your clothes off."
"Yeah," he glances down at his bare chest and then towards my breasts. Only now am I aware of the underwear and bra I'm wearing to bed. When did I get changed? I shake off the thought, not wanting to remember what happened as I feel his finger dip under my chin. "You're not going to kill me, are you?"
"No," I shake my head. "I'm as much to blame as you are. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'd remember if something happened."
"Right," he nods, glancing around the walls of the bedroom.
"Martin, relax." I run my hand over his chest. "You told me last night how you felt about me. Isn't this what you wanted?" I move my finger tips over his skin and down across his stomach.
"You have no idea," he whispers out in a haze.
"Then show me," I toy with him, his eyes watching mine as my fingers tease at the edge of his boxers but don't delve any lower.
"I told you, Sam," his voice catches in his throat, not being able to speak the final syllables of my name. "I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize our working relationship."
"I can handle that," I grin in response, moving my lips to his ear. "Can you?" I tease out in a seductive tone, drawing my tongue along his lobe.
"Samantha," he breathes out. "I can't do this, knowing you're still in love with Jack."
"What?" I stop dead in my tracks; my hands don't know what to touch or whether to move. I feel Martin's fingers in my hair as he rolls me onto my back and he props himself on his elbows to lean down and look into my eyes.
"I know about your affair with him. I don't judge you, Samantha, but I just can't go into this knowing your heart's with him."
"He was the first man I ever truly loved," I whisper out, "and, worst of all, I couldn't have him."
"He was stupid, Samantha."
"No, I was."
"He was," Martin tells me, "for letting you go." I feel his lips pressing a kiss to my forehead and his hands in my hair trying to softly soothe me. "I know I'm not him, but I love you all the same." He presses a kiss to my cheek. "I would worship you like heaven on earth, Samantha."
"I know you would." I feel my heart breaking because my heart is with Jack, but Martin's heart is with me.
Do I give in to temptation? Lisa once told me I had to move on, that it was the only way to heal. She's right, but it hurts so much, I feel as though it might kill me.
Besides, didn't Jack betray me? He went behind my back to read Lisa's file on me? Isn't that worse than reading someone's diary? It feels that way. I remember back in sixth grade, Janice, one of my friends, ripped the lock off my diary and read it aloud. I had another friend over, and she heard everything inside. I couldn't bear to stand up and fight with her. Instead, I ran out crying because I felt betrayed and embarrassed that I was ever her friend.
Funny thing is, Jack knows this story. He knows about all the people in my life who've hurt me. I realize I hardly know anything of his. Whenever we talked, it was while we lay in bed together, although more often than not, he had to leave. Every time he'd sit up ready to leave, my stomach would knot, remembering how he was never mine and always something I wanted more of. He always went back to her, and always would.
"Samantha," I hear Martin's words jarring me back to reality and his hands running through my hair. I close my eyes, enjoying the sensual feeling and missing the comfort of a man in my bed.
"Yeah?" I glance into his eyes.
"Are you ok?" I feel him roll onto his side and his body rest against mine.
"Yeah, for the most part," I answer honestly. "I guess I'm just having a hard time moving on."
"From Jack?" He questions with a sigh.
I nod my head, feeling silent tears flow a course down my cheek. I feel Martin's lips on my skin, lapping at my pain and kissing it away. The kisses he plants are soft and friendly, trying not to rouse my desires. I brush my lips against his, wanting to feel needed. It's been too long since someone who really cared for me made love to me. I feel my eyes slipping closed as I wish it were Jack here with me.
"Martin," I whisper out, hearing his name on my tongue, sounding foreign but not awful. I feel his hand trailing along my stomach and his lips moving their way down my neck over the curve of my breasts. "Yes," I breathe out in a moan, my words growing numb as my body regains a feeling I haven't experienced in far too long. His hands do wonders as his lips continue touching and tasting every ounce of me while we're shedding our clothes.
As our bodies become intertwined, I hear his words in my ear, "I love you so much." I bite down on my lip, not knowing what to say in response as I move my lips to his to silence him.
He lies above me, our bodies coated in sweat, our eyes shut. I open mine, feeling him roll off my frame and I move to rest against his naked skin.
We both lie there without words and, in this moment, my mind is clear and at ease.
I pull the sheet snuggly around my body, giving him a soft kiss as I watch him fall asleep. My eyes study his peaceful face and I roll around in bed, careful not to stir him. I still don't feel that I'm over the man I love, but at least there's someone here who loves me. I'm not certain I'm doing the right thing, but I'm not sure what else to do---when the man I love is married and trying to work things out with his wife.
