I pull the sheet snuggly around my body, giving him a soft kiss as I watch him fall asleep. My eyes study his peaceful face and I roll around in bed, careful not to stir him. I still don't feel that I'm over the man I love, but at least there's someone here who loves me. I'm not certain I'm doing the right thing, but I'm not sure what else to do---when the man I love is married and trying to work things out with his wife.

********

As time continues onward, I glance at the clock and let out a soft yawn. Martin rolls around, his hand moving over my hips as a smile plays on his lips. "We should probably go do something today."

"Any ideas?" I question.

"Lunch," he offers. "Mind if I take a shower here?"

"Not at all," I answer, giving him a soft kiss to his lips. "I might join you."

"You might?" He eyes me. "Come on," he tugs on my hand helping me out of bed and eyeing my body in the process.

"Quit staring," I quip. "You act like you've never seen a naked woman before."

"Not one as gorgeous as you," he answers, pressing a kiss to my lips and pulling me into the bathroom.

"You start the water; I'll be back in a second. Okay?"

"Don't be too long," he answers. I slip out of the bathroom and grab the phone, dialing Jack's cell phone. I consider not doing Jack this favor, but realize it will only hurt him more. I want Jack to be happy and I want him to see me happy with Martin, or least trying to be. As much as Jack hurt me by what he did, I still love him and likely always will. If I can't be with him, I at least want him to be happy.

"Hello?"

"You still want to meet my date for lunch?" I question.

"That's interesting," Jack responds.

"Is Maria there?"

"Yes," he answers. "The case--can you have it done by noon and faxed over?"

"You're such a horrible liar," I counter. "Noon works here for lunch. How about the corner of Madison?" I suggest. "We've been there; it's an Italian Restaurant."

"You can. That sounds good. Thank you," he answers before hanging up.

I make my way into the steam-filled bathroom to join Martin in the shower. I pull back the curtain and step beneath the spray with Martin.

"What I said earlier."

"Yes?" I question.

"About loving you. It wasn't just me saying that in a state of passion, Samantha, I really do." I feel my lips tugging in a smile as I wrap my arms around his neck, and our mouths meet once again.

"I know a great Italian restaurant for lunch," I offer. "It's a quiet, cozy place where we can relax."

"Sounds perfect," Martin responds, moving his mouth to my neck for a playful nip, "just like you."

We finish up in the shower and head into my bedroom to get changed. "You don't have any clean clothes," I point out.

"We can stop at my place before lunch," he offers. I glance down at my watch, seeing we'll have just enough time.

"Alright," I nod with a smile, pulling on a shirt and a pair of jeans. I wear my hair down and it's slightly messy, but I don't care.

After dropping by Martin's, for him to get changed in a fresh pair of clothes, we make our way to the restaurant. We take a small, cozy corner booth, as I feel Martin's hand on my thigh.

"This seems like a nice place," he whispers into my ear.

"Yes," I smile, glancing through the menu before we place our order.

"Have you been here before?" Martin's eyes meet mine and his hand moves the locks of hair from my face, glancing deep into my eyes.

My eyes watch his before glancing down at his lips with a smile.

"Once or twice," I tell him without saying anything more.

"Samantha, Martin," I hear Jack's voice and glance up to see him with his arm around his wife. "This is my wife, Maria."

I smile in response, nodding towards her, as I feel Martin's hand teasing my thigh.

"I didn't realize you two would be here," Jack eyes me intently. "You know you all have the day off?"

"Yes, we're not here on business," Martin corrects him before moving his hand behind my back to visibly allow both Jack and Maria to see the closeness we share.

"That's good," Maria smiles in response as she tugs on Jack's arm and make their way to a table across the dining room. Jack sits facing me, and I feel his eyes burning through mine. Do I see betrayal, anger, hurt, or is it lust?

"How awkward," Martin muses, moving his hand into my hair and brushing it behind my ear. "If you're uncomfortable, we can leave."

"No, don't be silly. Why would I be uncomfortable?" I laugh at the notion but chide myself for agreeing to it. His mouth moves to my ear, gently pressing a soft kiss to my skin. I feel my stomach doing somersaults, as Jack's eyes watch me.

"Samantha?" I hear Martin's voice and feel suddenly nauseated.

"Excuse me," I briskly stand up, heading for the bathroom. I push back the door to an open stall and feel as though I'm going to vomit. My head hangs over the toilet as I feel my stomach churning wildly. What the hell was I thinking? Agreeing to back down and let Jack fix his marriage is one thing, but this; I can't do it.

"Sam?" I hear Jack's voice and move towards the sink to run the cold water and splash it along my clammy skin.

"Go back to your wife," I tell him, moving my hand to my forehead as my head hovers above the sink.

"I'm worried about you." I feel his warm hand on my skin and I brush him away.

"Don't," I warn him.

"You look sick. Are you pregnant?" Jack's eyes stare down at me as I turn my head to face him.

"No," I retort abruptly. "I'll be fine," I answer, covering my lips with my hand as I feel my stomach crashing like violent waves.

"Then what is it? You looked fine five minutes ago," he reminds me.

"I'm in love," I answer, turning off the sink water and heading to the door.

"I never knew it could make someone sick," Jack counters as I feel his hand on my wrist, stopping me.

"It does when you can't have the person you want." I slip from his hold and exit out the bathroom door.

"Samantha, is everything all right?" Martin's concerned voice tears at my heart but it doesn't hurt nearly as deep as Jack's words.

"Can you take me home?"

"Sure," Martin asks for the check and in no time we make our way out to the car. I haven't said a word to Martin, and every few minutes he glances my way, worried about me.

"Are you ok?" I hear his soft voice and shake my head no. "What can I do?" he offers.

"Nothing," I answer soundly.

"Are you sure?"

I nod my head yes as we pull in front of my apartment. "Do you want me to come up with you?"

"Please don't," I answer, unlocking the car door.

"Are you going to be all right?"

"I'll be fine." I step out of the car and gather my keys to unlock the door.

I shut it behind me, feeling my stomach knot. Am I making a mistake by shutting out Martin? He's trying to be a decent guy. I know he cares about me, but I don't have the same feelings he does. Will they come in time, or am I fooling myself?

Why do I have to love someone I can't have and have someone I don't love? Is life always this complicated?

I head into my bedroom, taking a seat on the bed and smelling Martin's scent all over my room. I feel my stomach tense at how any remnants of Jack are now completely gone from my home.

I used to fall asleep at night lying on his pillow, breathing in the lingering scent of Jack Malone. Now it's gone and I'll likely never have it back.

Would I want what I once had, though? Would it be enough for me? I'm not sure it would. I may not want marriage and children right now, but one day I'd like to be open to those things. I'd like to have a chance to have a family. With Jack I don't have those options. The only possibility is he would take me back as his mistress and he would feel guilty about it all over again.

I don't want him to experience guilt when we're together. I want him to be able to stay the night and not shy away when I tell him how I really feel. I want him to embrace it and tell me the same thing. Maybe I'm asking for something I can never have, but it's not something unreasonable, is it?

I lie back against the mattress, sliding between the covers. Martin's a really great guy and I enjoy spending time with him, but I don't feel the same rush I get from Jack. I once thought it was from the job, the affair, and our secret. Now, though, after it was taken away, I realize it was love.

Do I take the chance of being alone the rest of my life because I can't have the man I love? He's married and has vowed to spend the rest of his life with her. Wouldn't it be great if I had that?

I let out a soft sigh. It's not marriage I want so much as a man to spend the night with, and not just any man. Maybe the saying holds true: 'you want what you can't have.' I had him, though, and if only for a second, I'd want him again. I'm not sure I could handle only one second with him, though. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting what I do--for wanting to love someone, and have him love me in return. Maybe I could get over Jack Malone if I knew he was happily married, but after the phone call I received from Maria yesterday, I know that's not the case.

I close my eyes and imagine Jack's hands brushing my hair from my face as he leans down to kiss me. It's been so long since I felt a kiss that meant something and stirred me to the core. Martin knows how to kiss, but the feelings I have for him are mute compared to Jack. Maybe it's because I won't allow myself to let go just yet. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

I feel myself drifting into a light slumber and hope to dream of Jack at least for a little while.