# Oh on a park bench in the middle of July
# We sat and watched the children play
# If it was the heat or the noise
# He didn't have too much to say
# Then with a move of his eyes
# A move that could have made the wind stand still
# He took my hand in his and said the words
# That I never will forget
It happened one morning at breakfast; to this day, I've never known what
triggered it. We were eating in silence, as we generally did; the years
we'd spent together had mostly broken us of making half-hearted attempts at
conversation. This day, however, it was to be different.
"Abby."
Something in his voice made me look up; something in his eyes gave me a
chill inside. His face was pensive, searching, and it was hard for me to
carelessly tilt my head. "Mm?"
He chewed his lip, a sure sign he was about to bring up something big, and
wasn't sure how. "Abby...sometimes I get the feeling you're not telling me
something."
A piece of toast caught in my suddenly dry throat, and my voice was hoarse
as I choked out, "Like - like what?"
He waited a moment for my coughing to subside, but his stare never
faltered. "You know what I mean. You know who I mean. You've never talked
about it, and I want to know if there's something you haven't said."
Inwardly, I shuddered, and it took all the willpower I had not to look
away.
# He said have you ever cheated on me
# Has there been someone else
# Is there someone you love more than me
# Someone you can't forget
# If his memory is opened again
# Let it be chased away by time
# He said have you ever cheated on me
# I said only in my mind
Luka.
His face, forcibly shoved away for years, sprang to life inside my mind
once more, reminding me wordlessly of that day.
It was only a few months after John and I had been married. We'd been in
the lounge, talking about I don't even remember what. It was cold, and he'd
rested his arm over my shoulders, the action so familiar and comfortable
that neither of us could stop it.
There again, wrapped securely in his warm presence, the past had taken hold
of me, and I'd tilted my face up to his. Softly, so softly, his lips
brushed mine.
For just a tiny moment, the old passion flared up between us again...then,
more harshly than he'd ever touched me, Luka pushed me away. I felt hurt
for a second, but when I looked up and met his eyes, it shifted to guilt.
Pain and regret were etched on his face, and his voice was rough and
ashamed as he stood. "I'm sorry, Abby," he managed, fleeing the room as if
I were a ghost.
Shame rushed through me, as well, as I realized fully what I'd done - and
what else I likely would have done, if he hadn't pulled away. Tears pricked
at my eyes as I wondered how I could have done this to John. And to Luka.
And myself.
"I'm sorry, Abby." Those words have sounded again and again in my mind, for
they were the last ones I ever heard him say. He avoided me at work; I
think he deliberately took the worst shifts, just for that. A few months
later, he left for good - just turned in his resignation, packed up his
locker, and left. No goodbye. No one - not even the ever-reliable nurse
gossip mill - knew where he'd gone.
I remember, too, the last time I saw him. It was just a glimpse, as I was
heading out the door at the end of my shift. And I think now that I knew
something was wrong - he'd met my eyes, something he hadn't done since that
day. He knew, even if I didn't, that this was goodbye.
# How can I tell him
# The time we spent together
# Was time between friends
# There's just somethings I can talk about with you
# That I can't just talk with him
# How can I tell you
# That somewhere in the cards it was meant for us to be
Since then, I'd more or less accepted things. John didn't make me smile
much - not real, genuine - but he didn't make me cry. And I think that's
part of it, why I wanted him in the first place. I'm...removed, somehow.
Even if things fall apart with us, I'll be able to move on. But it hurt to
loose Luka. I still caught myself missing those days when we were together.
John's a rock, and I can lean on him without fear of falling - but it's a
cold, hard comfort. Luka...we leaned on each other, and sometimes we fell,
but it was real.
And it hurt to loose him as a friend, too. When we broke up, I truly
thought it was the end of him caring about me. And then I realized he still
smiled at me, still tried to talk to me if I was hurting, no matter how
often I pushed him away. He cared about me without asking for anything in
return, and I just didn't know how to take it. It wasn't supposed to happen
this way. Richard cut me off cold when we divorced; the first time John and
I left each other, he told me point-blank that he didn't want to be my
friend.
# Why am I blushing in front of him now
# Is it you or the heat
It slowly dawned on me that I was staring into space, and John was looking
at me sharply. I shook my head, hoping he didn't notice me avoiding his
eyes. "Not after we broke up. Me and him, I mean. I...don't even know where
he is now."
Apparently John didn't either, and didn't particularly care, for he only
checked his watch and stood up. "I'm on shift in half an hour," he
announced, as though I didn't already know the schedule for today. "I'll
see you tonight. I love you."
"Me too," I said with a falsely cheerful smile. I hated myself for saying
it that way, but it came easier. "Have a good day."
# He said have you ever cheated on me
# I said only in my mind
# We sat and watched the children play
# If it was the heat or the noise
# He didn't have too much to say
# Then with a move of his eyes
# A move that could have made the wind stand still
# He took my hand in his and said the words
# That I never will forget
It happened one morning at breakfast; to this day, I've never known what
triggered it. We were eating in silence, as we generally did; the years
we'd spent together had mostly broken us of making half-hearted attempts at
conversation. This day, however, it was to be different.
"Abby."
Something in his voice made me look up; something in his eyes gave me a
chill inside. His face was pensive, searching, and it was hard for me to
carelessly tilt my head. "Mm?"
He chewed his lip, a sure sign he was about to bring up something big, and
wasn't sure how. "Abby...sometimes I get the feeling you're not telling me
something."
A piece of toast caught in my suddenly dry throat, and my voice was hoarse
as I choked out, "Like - like what?"
He waited a moment for my coughing to subside, but his stare never
faltered. "You know what I mean. You know who I mean. You've never talked
about it, and I want to know if there's something you haven't said."
Inwardly, I shuddered, and it took all the willpower I had not to look
away.
# He said have you ever cheated on me
# Has there been someone else
# Is there someone you love more than me
# Someone you can't forget
# If his memory is opened again
# Let it be chased away by time
# He said have you ever cheated on me
# I said only in my mind
Luka.
His face, forcibly shoved away for years, sprang to life inside my mind
once more, reminding me wordlessly of that day.
It was only a few months after John and I had been married. We'd been in
the lounge, talking about I don't even remember what. It was cold, and he'd
rested his arm over my shoulders, the action so familiar and comfortable
that neither of us could stop it.
There again, wrapped securely in his warm presence, the past had taken hold
of me, and I'd tilted my face up to his. Softly, so softly, his lips
brushed mine.
For just a tiny moment, the old passion flared up between us again...then,
more harshly than he'd ever touched me, Luka pushed me away. I felt hurt
for a second, but when I looked up and met his eyes, it shifted to guilt.
Pain and regret were etched on his face, and his voice was rough and
ashamed as he stood. "I'm sorry, Abby," he managed, fleeing the room as if
I were a ghost.
Shame rushed through me, as well, as I realized fully what I'd done - and
what else I likely would have done, if he hadn't pulled away. Tears pricked
at my eyes as I wondered how I could have done this to John. And to Luka.
And myself.
"I'm sorry, Abby." Those words have sounded again and again in my mind, for
they were the last ones I ever heard him say. He avoided me at work; I
think he deliberately took the worst shifts, just for that. A few months
later, he left for good - just turned in his resignation, packed up his
locker, and left. No goodbye. No one - not even the ever-reliable nurse
gossip mill - knew where he'd gone.
I remember, too, the last time I saw him. It was just a glimpse, as I was
heading out the door at the end of my shift. And I think now that I knew
something was wrong - he'd met my eyes, something he hadn't done since that
day. He knew, even if I didn't, that this was goodbye.
# How can I tell him
# The time we spent together
# Was time between friends
# There's just somethings I can talk about with you
# That I can't just talk with him
# How can I tell you
# That somewhere in the cards it was meant for us to be
Since then, I'd more or less accepted things. John didn't make me smile
much - not real, genuine - but he didn't make me cry. And I think that's
part of it, why I wanted him in the first place. I'm...removed, somehow.
Even if things fall apart with us, I'll be able to move on. But it hurt to
loose Luka. I still caught myself missing those days when we were together.
John's a rock, and I can lean on him without fear of falling - but it's a
cold, hard comfort. Luka...we leaned on each other, and sometimes we fell,
but it was real.
And it hurt to loose him as a friend, too. When we broke up, I truly
thought it was the end of him caring about me. And then I realized he still
smiled at me, still tried to talk to me if I was hurting, no matter how
often I pushed him away. He cared about me without asking for anything in
return, and I just didn't know how to take it. It wasn't supposed to happen
this way. Richard cut me off cold when we divorced; the first time John and
I left each other, he told me point-blank that he didn't want to be my
friend.
# Why am I blushing in front of him now
# Is it you or the heat
It slowly dawned on me that I was staring into space, and John was looking
at me sharply. I shook my head, hoping he didn't notice me avoiding his
eyes. "Not after we broke up. Me and him, I mean. I...don't even know where
he is now."
Apparently John didn't either, and didn't particularly care, for he only
checked his watch and stood up. "I'm on shift in half an hour," he
announced, as though I didn't already know the schedule for today. "I'll
see you tonight. I love you."
"Me too," I said with a falsely cheerful smile. I hated myself for saying
it that way, but it came easier. "Have a good day."
# He said have you ever cheated on me
# I said only in my mind
