'How Wario' series
By TRUE Unknown
Note: I do not own Nintendo, or the Wario/WarioWare games. I only own this fic.
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How Wario… saves Christmas! [Japanese-style and normal]
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[It's a venerable sunny morning with little to no snow around, and 'tis a little nippy... but suddenly, a BLIZZARD!! …More like a large pile of snow falling to the ground, covering everything in a humorous white; outside Kat and Ana's place]
Kat [covering face with hand, because despite it being a blizzard, there's still some bright sun]: Mr. Waluigi! Where are you?
Ana: You'll never get him up with that sort of call! You have to insult him! [Yelling as loud as a 5-6 year old girl should] TWIG NUT!
Waluigi [pops out of the snow]: I'M UP! I'M UP! Hey... wait a minute!
[Both girls are giggling like little school girls... Wait, they are school girls!]
Ana: IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!
Waluigi [ignoring giddy girls]: ... So, what's for breakfast?
[Who should walk in through their door but the little old-school game player, 9-Volt]
9-Volt [in a snow suit; shakes off all of the snow covering him]: Hey guys!
Kat, Ana, and Waluigi: Hey 9-Volt.
9-Volt: Aren't you guys psyched that tomorrow's Christmas?
Kat: Yep!
Ana: Certainly!
Waluigi: I doubt I was a good little boy. Oh well! What's for breakfast?
9-Volt: Where's Wario?
Ana: He's sleeping in, I bet.
Kat: I don't know why he doesn't like to come out during the winter...
Waluigi: Ahem. BREAKFAST!
Kat: Not now! We're getting Wario up!
Waluigi: Aw dammit!
[In Waluigi's racer, they careen to the WarioWare Inc. Corporation Building, reminding Waluigi to put in a roof]
9-Volt: Why isn't there a roof!?
Kat [crying]: I'M FREAKIN COLD!
Ana: How come there's no roof?
Waluigi: Stop complaining! I had to drive in colder climates! This is nothing!!
[They park in front of the WarioWare building, knocking on the door]
Ana: Wario!
9-Volt: Hey Wario!
Waluigi: WAKE UP, YA CRAZY LARD-ARSE!
[The door opens, and we see Wario, not looking his best, in a large robe]
All of them: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Wario [sleepy]: What is it?
Kat: Do you know what day it is?
Wario: Make a remixed version of WarioWare just to get more money day?
Kat: No! It's CHRISTMAS EVE!
Wario [groans]: Back to bed for me…
Ana: But we need your help Wario!
Wario: NO!
[Kat, Ana, and 9-Volt start to cry]
Waluigi: Only you can make children cry!
Wario: I'm fully aware!
Ana: If you don't help, then true love will never come this Christmas! [Continues crying]
Waluigi [starts crying too]: WAAAAA!!
Wario: What do ya mean, true love?
9-Volt [stops crying; informative]: In Japan Christmas is considered more of a romantic holiday, where romances between two people, of any race, gender, sexuality, or age, usually bloom into full-on happiness.
[Waluigi slaps in cheek in astonishment]
Wario [picking nose]: What does that have to do with WarioWare?
Ana: We're trying to help people get together!
Kat: Wait… Ana, when did we ever become a match-making business?
9-Volt: Yeah!
Waluigi: I remember it was a foggy eve…
Wario: YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE RIGHT NOW, I'LL…uh…
[Wario grabs Waluigi and pile-drives him]
Waluigi: Ouch…
Wario: AND THAT WAS A WARNING!
[Suddenly, they hear someone crying at the base of WarioWare Inc.]
Wario: Well, now I can't go back to sleep… I may as well go see what's going on…
[The five of them walked down to see what was the problem]
Wario: Hey, what's wrong? There's no crying outside my building! So shoo!
Woman [sobbing]: You heartless jerk!
Wario: If you want money, I'll give it to you!
Woman [still bawling]: NO! I WANT MY HAKUNO!!
Waluigi: What's a 'Hakuno'?
Woman: Hakuno's my boyfriend!!
9-Volt: Oh.
Woman: You see, my name is Nakino, and I and my boyfriend Hakuno broke up over a silly dispute of who looked the best like Keanu Reeves.
Kat [*tsk* *tsk*-ing]: That's a shame…
Waluigi: That's a stupid thing to fight over!
Nakino: Oh please, can you help me?
[Suddenly, a sleigh crashes on the roof of WarioWare!!]
Wario: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! IF THAT'S ORBULON-- [Takes a deep breath; breathes out] Okay… You guys help the broad, and I'm going to check this out! [Walks up]
9-Volt: Good enough!
---
[With Waluigi and crew]
Waluigi [hands behind head]: Now, what does this bum of a boyfriend look like? [Gets bashed in the face] OW!
Nakino: Don't insult my Hakuno like that!
Ana: Do you think he still loves you?
Nakino: I know he does!
9-Volt [pulling out a calculator; starts to punch in numbers]: Hmm… The probability that he might forgive you or vice-versa and make amends is a decent 64%.
Waluigi [eying 9-Volt]: You think you're so big with your calculator and your intelligence! Besides, what does this guy look like!?
Nakino: He looks like… Hmm, how can I easily describe him…? One of those beautiful-looking men from that Final Fantasy Tactics Advance game!
Ana: You probably played it, right 9-Volt?
9-Volt: Nope! I only play Nintendo-exclusive games!
[Everyone face faults]
Waluigi: WAAAA… You're no help.
---
[With Wario]
Wario: So, let me get this straight: You're Santa?
Santa Claus [jolly]: Of course! Can't you tell from my belly that moves like a bowl full of jelly?
Wario: Alright, your story checks well. But why did you crash into MY ROOF exactly!?
Santa Claus [saddened]: Well, as it turned out, one of my Reindeer was murdered in mid-flight. I couldn't see anything, or anyone.
Wario: Which one? Blitzen? [Santa shakes his head] Oh dear god! NOT DASHER!
Santa Claus: He left the world real peaceful like.
Wario: NOOOOOOOOO! [Grabs Santa's hands] We're getting those toys delivered now!!
Santa Claus: HO HO HO! That's the spirit!
Wario: Now who killed him? We're going after his murderer first!
---
[Waluigi, Kat, Ana, and 9-Volt head off, leaving the saddened woman, looking for the saddened woman's boyfriend]
9-Volt: How do we even know where to start looking?
Kat: Let's cruise by the Gelateria!
Waluigi: Who would honestly be stupid enough to buy ice cream and/or the likes in the middle of winter!
Ana: They sell hot coffee!
[They head over towards the Gelateria]
Waluigi [yelling]: Hey Mona!!
Mona: WHAT!? I'M WORKING!
Waluigi: Have you seen any sad excuses of men around here?
Mona: Just one! He's at that corner over there, brooding about a lost love and regretting not getting the cappuccino flavor!
Kat: Wow. That's deep.
Ana: Maybe that's Hakuno!
9-Volt: Let's go check!
Waluigi: You guys check! I'm so hungry; I'm heading to the deli! I'm in the mood for a roast beef sandwich! [Leaves]
9-Volt: Man, what a jerk! No wonder Wario didn't want him in the WarioWare project!
[The three kids walk over to the bishonen (beautiful boy) sulking on a table, stirring his coffee]
Ana: Excuse me. Are you Hakuno?
Boy: Yeah.
9-Volt: Wow! You look 5 years younger than that Nakino lady!
Hakuno [grabs 9-Volt]: You saw Nakino?
Ana: We did! She really wants to make amends, Mr. Hakuno! She really misses you!
Hakuno: She does…?
Kat: Duh!
Hakuno [almost to tears]: I need her so badly! Where is she!?
9-Volt: At the fountain near the pagoda!
Hakuno: Maybe there's still time! [Runs off to save a happy ending]
Mona: Did he pay for his coffee?
Ana: Nope!
Mona: Aw, dammit! This comes right out of my F***IN PAYCHECK!
---
[In the air; Santa's sleigh and 7 reindeer are moving their hooves to keep themselves moving; Wario has to run in mid-air]
Wario [gasping and panting from all the exercise]: Well, at least this is cheaper than a Gym!
Santa Claus: Do you see anything? [A beam grazes Santa's moustache] We're under attack!
[Another sleigh, but filled with 4 elves start firing lasers at the jolly old man]
Elf [like a gangster]: EAT THIS, YOU ELITE FASCIST BASTARD!
[They get close to the sleigh, and Wario punches the craft; the craft sustains some damage, but are still]
Wario: Argh!!! I'll get them next time they pass by!
[The enemy craft goes underneath the sleigh; perfect for Wario to strike]
Wario [unhooks his reins; drops]: THIS IS FOR DASHER!
[The portly anti-hero grabs the elf craft, and, with an altitude of 3 vertical kilometers! performs a pile driver]
---
Hakuno: Nakino!
Nakino [gets glomped by her younger boyfriend]: Oh, Hakuno! I'm so sorry for acting that way!
9-Volt: See? There was no need to break up over who looked the most like Keanu Reeves!
Ana [hearts in her eyes]: Doesn't this feel right?
Kat: It certainly does!
Hakuno [pops out a ring]: Nakino, will you merry me?
Nakino [eyes teary; hugs the little guy]: Oh… little brother… I do!
Ana [still hearts in her eyes]: AW! THAT WAS SO… [Normal] What did she say?
[All of a sudden, an innumerable amounts of screaming can be heard as Wario commences to slam the elves into the ground, killing them straight on impact!!]
Wario [posing like a wrestler]: I'M NUMBER ONE!
Kat [pouting like a sissy girl]: WARIO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Wario: Just stopped evil elves from ruining Christmas. You?
9-Volt: We got a couple back together! A strange and disturbing couple, but got them together nonetheless!
Ana: They're gone…
Wario: What level of disturbing are we talking about? [Ana whispers into his ear] THAT IS SICK! Their children are going to be so F***ED.
Waluigi [coming out of the deli]: What'd I miss?
---
And that's the story of how Wario saves Christmas!
The lesson is: Elves are evil, and they should not gain their personal freedom. Because this happens.
