'How Wario' series

By TRUE Unknown

Note: I do not own Nintendo, or the Wario/WarioWare games. I only own this fic.

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How Wario… saves Christmas! [Japanese-style and normal]

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[It's a venerable sunny morning with little to no snow around, and 'tis a little nippy... but suddenly, a BLIZZARD!! …More like a large pile of snow falling to the ground, covering everything in a humorous white; outside Kat and Ana's place]

Kat [covering face with hand, because despite it being a blizzard, there's still some bright sun]: Mr. Waluigi! Where are you?

Ana: You'll never get him up with that sort of call! You have to insult him! [Yelling as loud as a 5-6 year old girl should] TWIG NUT!

Waluigi [pops out of the snow]: I'M UP! I'M UP! Hey... wait a minute!

[Both girls are giggling like little school girls... Wait, they are school girls!]

Ana: IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!

Waluigi [ignoring giddy girls]: ... So, what's for breakfast?

[Who should walk in through their door but the little old-school game player, 9-Volt]

9-Volt [in a snow suit; shakes off all of the snow covering him]: Hey guys!

Kat, Ana, and Waluigi: Hey 9-Volt.

9-Volt: Aren't you guys psyched that tomorrow's Christmas?

Kat: Yep!

Ana: Certainly!

Waluigi: I doubt I was a good little boy. Oh well! What's for breakfast?

9-Volt: Where's Wario?

Ana: He's sleeping in, I bet.

Kat: I don't know why he doesn't like to come out during the winter...

Waluigi: Ahem. BREAKFAST!

Kat: Not now! We're getting Wario up!

Waluigi: Aw dammit!

[In Waluigi's racer, they careen to the WarioWare Inc. Corporation Building, reminding Waluigi to put in a roof]

9-Volt: Why isn't there a roof!?

Kat [crying]: I'M FREAKIN COLD!

Ana: How come there's no roof?

Waluigi: Stop complaining! I had to drive in colder climates! This is nothing!!

[They park in front of the WarioWare building, knocking on the door]

Ana: Wario!

9-Volt: Hey Wario!

Waluigi: WAKE UP, YA CRAZY LARD-ARSE!

[The door opens, and we see Wario, not looking his best, in a large robe]

All of them: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Wario [sleepy]: What is it?

Kat: Do you know what day it is?

Wario: Make a remixed version of WarioWare just to get more money day?

Kat: No! It's CHRISTMAS EVE!

Wario [groans]: Back to bed for me…

Ana: But we need your help Wario!

Wario: NO!

[Kat, Ana, and 9-Volt start to cry]

Waluigi: Only you can make children cry!

Wario: I'm fully aware!

Ana: If you don't help, then true love will never come this Christmas! [Continues crying]

Waluigi [starts crying too]: WAAAAA!!

Wario: What do ya mean, true love?

9-Volt [stops crying; informative]: In Japan Christmas is considered more of a romantic holiday, where romances between two people, of any race, gender, sexuality, or age, usually bloom into full-on happiness.

[Waluigi slaps in cheek in astonishment]

Wario [picking nose]: What does that have to do with WarioWare?

Ana: We're trying to help people get together!

Kat: Wait… Ana, when did we ever become a match-making business?

9-Volt: Yeah!

Waluigi: I remember it was a foggy eve…

Wario: YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME! IF YOU DON'T LEAVE RIGHT NOW, I'LL…uh…

[Wario grabs Waluigi and pile-drives him]

Waluigi: Ouch…

Wario: AND THAT WAS A WARNING!

[Suddenly, they hear someone crying at the base of WarioWare Inc.]

Wario: Well, now I can't go back to sleep… I may as well go see what's going on…

[The five of them walked down to see what was the problem]

Wario: Hey, what's wrong? There's no crying outside my building! So shoo!

Woman [sobbing]: You heartless jerk!

Wario: If you want money, I'll give it to you!

Woman [still bawling]: NO! I WANT MY HAKUNO!!

Waluigi: What's a 'Hakuno'?

Woman: Hakuno's my boyfriend!!

9-Volt: Oh.

Woman: You see, my name is Nakino, and I and my boyfriend Hakuno broke up over a silly dispute of who looked the best like Keanu Reeves.

Kat [*tsk* *tsk*-ing]: That's a shame…

Waluigi: That's a stupid thing to fight over!

Nakino: Oh please, can you help me?

[Suddenly, a sleigh crashes on the roof of WarioWare!!]

Wario: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! IF THAT'S ORBULON-- [Takes a deep breath; breathes out] Okay… You guys help the broad, and I'm going to check this out! [Walks up]

9-Volt: Good enough!

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[With Waluigi and crew]

Waluigi [hands behind head]: Now, what does this bum of a boyfriend look like? [Gets bashed in the face] OW!

Nakino: Don't insult my Hakuno like that!

Ana: Do you think he still loves you?

Nakino: I know he does!

9-Volt [pulling out a calculator; starts to punch in numbers]: Hmm… The probability that he might forgive you or vice-versa and make amends is a decent 64%.

Waluigi [eying 9-Volt]: You think you're so big with your calculator and your intelligence! Besides, what does this guy look like!?

Nakino: He looks like… Hmm, how can I easily describe him…? One of those beautiful-looking men from that Final Fantasy Tactics Advance game!

Ana: You probably played it, right 9-Volt?

9-Volt: Nope! I only play Nintendo-exclusive games!

[Everyone face faults]

Waluigi: WAAAA… You're no help.

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[With Wario]

Wario: So, let me get this straight: You're Santa?

Santa Claus [jolly]: Of course! Can't you tell from my belly that moves like a bowl full of jelly?

Wario: Alright, your story checks well. But why did you crash into MY ROOF exactly!?

Santa Claus [saddened]: Well, as it turned out, one of my Reindeer was murdered in mid-flight. I couldn't see anything, or anyone.

Wario: Which one? Blitzen? [Santa shakes his head] Oh dear god! NOT DASHER!

Santa Claus: He left the world real peaceful like.

Wario: NOOOOOOOOO! [Grabs Santa's hands] We're getting those toys delivered now!!

Santa Claus: HO HO HO! That's the spirit!

Wario: Now who killed him? We're going after his murderer first!

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[Waluigi, Kat, Ana, and 9-Volt head off, leaving the saddened woman, looking for the saddened woman's boyfriend]

9-Volt: How do we even know where to start looking?

Kat: Let's cruise by the Gelateria!

Waluigi: Who would honestly be stupid enough to buy ice cream and/or the likes in the middle of winter!

Ana: They sell hot coffee!

[They head over towards the Gelateria]

Waluigi [yelling]: Hey Mona!!

Mona: WHAT!? I'M WORKING!

Waluigi: Have you seen any sad excuses of men around here?

Mona: Just one! He's at that corner over there, brooding about a lost love and regretting not getting the cappuccino flavor!

Kat: Wow. That's deep.

Ana: Maybe that's Hakuno!

9-Volt: Let's go check!

Waluigi: You guys check! I'm so hungry; I'm heading to the deli! I'm in the mood for a roast beef sandwich! [Leaves]

9-Volt: Man, what a jerk! No wonder Wario didn't want him in the WarioWare project!

[The three kids walk over to the bishonen (beautiful boy) sulking on a table, stirring his coffee]

Ana: Excuse me. Are you Hakuno?

Boy: Yeah.

9-Volt: Wow! You look 5 years younger than that Nakino lady!

Hakuno [grabs 9-Volt]: You saw Nakino?

Ana: We did! She really wants to make amends, Mr. Hakuno! She really misses you!

Hakuno: She does…?

Kat: Duh!

Hakuno [almost to tears]: I need her so badly! Where is she!?

9-Volt: At the fountain near the pagoda!

Hakuno: Maybe there's still time! [Runs off to save a happy ending]

Mona: Did he pay for his coffee?

Ana: Nope!

Mona: Aw, dammit! This comes right out of my F***IN PAYCHECK!

---

[In the air; Santa's sleigh and 7 reindeer are moving their hooves to keep themselves moving; Wario has to run in mid-air]

Wario [gasping and panting from all the exercise]: Well, at least this is cheaper than a Gym!

Santa Claus: Do you see anything? [A beam grazes Santa's moustache] We're under attack!

[Another sleigh, but filled with 4 elves start firing lasers at the jolly old man]

Elf [like a gangster]: EAT THIS, YOU ELITE FASCIST BASTARD!

[They get close to the sleigh, and Wario punches the craft; the craft sustains some damage, but are still]

Wario: Argh!!! I'll get them next time they pass by!

[The enemy craft goes underneath the sleigh; perfect for Wario to strike]

Wario [unhooks his reins; drops]: THIS IS FOR DASHER!

[The portly anti-hero grabs the elf craft, and, with an altitude of 3 vertical kilometers! performs a pile driver]

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Hakuno: Nakino!

Nakino [gets glomped by her younger boyfriend]: Oh, Hakuno! I'm so sorry for acting that way!

9-Volt: See? There was no need to break up over who looked the most like Keanu Reeves!

Ana [hearts in her eyes]: Doesn't this feel right?

Kat: It certainly does!

Hakuno [pops out a ring]: Nakino, will you merry me?

Nakino [eyes teary; hugs the little guy]: Oh… little brother… I do!

Ana [still hearts in her eyes]: AW! THAT WAS SO… [Normal] What did she say?

[All of a sudden, an innumerable amounts of screaming can be heard as Wario commences to slam the elves into the ground, killing them straight on impact!!]

Wario [posing like a wrestler]: I'M NUMBER ONE!

Kat [pouting like a sissy girl]: WARIO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?

Wario:  Just stopped evil elves from ruining Christmas. You?

9-Volt: We got a couple back together! A strange and disturbing couple, but got them together nonetheless!

Ana: They're gone…

Wario: What level of disturbing are we talking about? [Ana whispers into his ear] THAT IS SICK! Their children are going to be so F***ED.

Waluigi [coming out of the deli]: What'd I miss?

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And that's the story of how Wario saves Christmas!

The lesson is: Elves are evil, and they should not gain their personal freedom. Because this happens.