Gandalf: The Mental Therapist:

Appointment Five:

Denethor's Pyromania:

"Grace, I'm ready for Steward Denethor," Gandalf said, into the you- know-what-by-now.

Denethor came into the room.

"Have a seat," Gandalf said, motioning to the couch.

"I will sit where I choose," Denethor said promptly.

"The couch is the only place to sit in here," Gandalf said.

"Oh," Denethor said, looking around the room for the first time.

"What's your troubles these days," Gandalf said.

"Well, I seem to have had a very big fascination with fire lately," Denethor replied.

"Ah, yes, I know THAT all too well," Gandalf replied, remembering a certain incident concerning a bonfire in a tomb.

"Well, I haven't been able to go a day without starting a fire somewhere," Denethor said, "I can't think of anything else."

"Well, then, the answer is obvious, you have pyromania," Gandalf said.

"Rule of Gondor is MINE! And no others," Denethor yelled and stood up.

"And he's just as crazy as before," Gandalf noted down in his notebook.

"Do you think these eyes are blind," Denethor asked, harshly, holding up severed eyes.

Gandalf, at this point, was seriously considering several highly rated Mental Hospitals.

"With your right hand, you would use as a shield against Mordor, and with your left hand, you would wish to uproot me! I know who sits at the throne of Gondor, word has reached my ears of this Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, and I tell you now, I did not bow to this ranger from the North, a Ragged house long broken from Lordship!"

"Goodness, did you say this right to his face," Gandalf asked.

"Oh, yes, and the tyrant threw me out of the city. Faramir actually did the honors of throwing me over the wall," Denethor said, his lips quivering in their usual insane manner, "And the landing hurt."

"I imagine it hurt less than when you jumped while flaming," Gandalf said.

"Yes, but my own son!"

"Well gee, I wonder why the abused and almost B-B-Q-ed Faramir did that," Gandalf said, rolling his eyes.

"Well, I can fix your pyromania here, although it seems to be the least f your problems anymore," Gandalf said, looking over the long list of all the illnesses that were showing on Denethor's list.

"I will light a match, and you'll resist the temptation," Gandalf said.

Denethor watched the match glow in the wondrous light of the flame.

Finally, he could take no more, and whipped out some gasoline in a bucket from freaking nowhere.

"Fire," he yelled with glee and threw it at the match before Gandalf could react.

Gandalf screamed in terror, "NOOOO!" (BOOM!)