Decisions
Author: Trekaholic
I do not own Enterprise or any of the characters. Paramount does. I simply use them to write this non-profit story. Don't send lawyers after me!
Summary: This story takes place after 'Similitude'. I know a lot of people have done something like this, but there's always another perspective! Basically T'Pol and Trip come to terms with their feelings. I had another story, 'Changes' on fanfiction.net but decided to pull it out for now cause I'm having trouble writing it. I want to concentrate on this for the time being. Rating: I would rate this PG, because nothing sexual really happens.yet! And as for genre, it has drama/romance/angst and a little bit of humour. I don't mind if others want to archive this story. As long as everyone enjoys it and tries to review it.
Chapter One
Commander Charles Tucker III quietly made his way through the halls of the starship Enterprise. He paused for a moment, moving toward the wall nearest him and bracing his weight on it with his left hand. He then clenched his right fist and tried to drill it into his forehead. Although there was no medical evidence to support such a method, he believed it was the only way to suppress the constant pain lingering in his skull since he woke up after the operation. Once it had momentarily subsided, he continued on his way toward engineering.
It was late. Very late. The only sound present in engineering was that of the warp reactor. Its engineers had long since gone to sleep. They deserved it after all. The long hours the team had put in to start getting all the systems online hadn't gone unnoticed by the Captain. He had decided to suspend the nightshift for the time being, seeing as there was no immediate threat to deal with. Trip reached the doors of engineering and activated the controls to open them. The suspended nightshift had allowed him to come in unnoticed every night for the last week. His only solace had become checking up on the engines, since there was little else he could do. It had been a week since the funeral. A week since the Doctor had ordered him off duty until he fully recovered. And a week since he had seen himself, not in a mirror, but in a coffin ready to be launched out into nothingness. Or perhaps it was the other way around. Maybe he was the one left with nothing, and the man who lay dead in the coffin took everything with him into the welcoming embrace of the universe.
After all, he had made the ultimate sacrifice. His life was forfeit so that Trip's wouldn't be. But at what price had me made this sacrifice? To save the life of a man who the ship, as well as its occupants, needed? If anything, his friends had acted like Trip should have been the one in that coffin. He knew the Captain had given the order, but the Captain didn't know the operation would kill the clone. The Captain didn't know there was a small chance an enzyme could give Sim the life he wanted. He had been avoiding any unnecessary contact with the Chief Engineer since the funeral, as if the very sight of him reminded the Captain how much he wasn't worth his decision. Phlox had seen him on a regular basis to administer medication, but the once cheerful doctor could barely look him in the eye anymore. Malcolm had put on a façade to pretend nothing was wrong, but even the Armoury Officer showed sadness in his eyes every time he looked at Trip.
Then there was T'Pol. She had been avoiding Trip like the plague, and the part that killed him the most was that he didn't know why. She was Vulcan, and if anything, the only person this whole incident shouldn't have had such an effect on. Nevertheless, after the funeral she had left him a message saying she was glad he was recovering but she would be busy with work and unable to help him with neuro-pressure for a couple of days. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she probably never wanted to resume them. The thought worried Trip more than he would admit. Not only did he need her to sleep better again, but he needed her company as well. He missed the time they spent together, and most of all he missed the closeness the two of them had finally shared. It scared him to think that was all over.
He pushed his thoughts aside and began going over the engine diagnostics. His team had done a hell of a job and he wished he were there to help them. He didn't really feel comfortable around them anymore. Anytime he saw them in the halls, they always looked at him in a strange way, as if trying to decide if it was really him or someone else. Someone who had looked exactly like him. Someone who had befriended them, worked with them, and walked the same hallways as if it were him. Maybe that's why everyone had changed. Maybe this 'clone' was not only a copy of Trip, but in some ways better than him. His thoughts were interrupted when the door to engineering opened, and Trip hoped it was just one of his own people who had come down to check on the engines. He had no such luck.
"I thought the Doctor and I made it clear you were off-duty for the time being."
"I just thought I'd come by and see how the engines were doin' Cap'n." Normally, a smile would accompany any talk about his beloved engines, but the Captain had been anything but humorous lately. "How'd you know I was down here anyway?"
"Phlox came by your quarters. He had a new sedative he wanted to give you for the pain. When you didn't answer he called me. We checked your quarters and thought you might be down here." Archer didn't sound too happy about getting woken up so late. "He's expecting you."
"Sorry I woke you up. I guess I'll drop by sickbay then."
"I don't want you down here again until you're cleared for duty. That's an order." Archer turned and walked away.
"Understood." Trip's voice went to empty ears as the door to engineering closed behind the Captain.
..........
By the time Trip reached sickbay, the pain returned and his head was throbbing. He hoped whatever the Doctor had would finally subdue his constant headaches. He walked into sickbay and sat on the edge of one of the beds.
Doctor Phlox came out of his office after he heard the doors of sickbay open. He was already prepared for the Commander's arrival and made his way toward the bed with hypospray in hand. "I believe this will help ease the pain, Commander." He injected the contents into Trip's neck.
"I hope so Doc. It's been gettin' pretty bad lately."
"As is expected from the trauma you went through. It will take time for your body to fully recover. However, if you continue to neglect rest, I assure you your condition will only get worse."
"Don't worry. The Cap'n made it pretty clear I can't go down to engineerin' anymore."
"He is only concerned for your well being."
"I'm sure that's what it is. I better get goin'. Thanks for the medication."
"You're welcome. Goodnight Commander." Trip nodded and made his way out.
Phlox turned his attention to the unoccupied bed. A single tear made its way down his cheek as he thought about Sim lying on that same bed only a little while ago. His words echoed in the Doctor's mind. 'You made a damn good father.' What kind of father brings his son into the world, only to condemn his life afterwards? What kind of father neglects to mention any chance of survival, no matter how small, so that his son might lead a normal life? Phlox tried to pull himself together. He was glad the Commander was okay, but the sacrifice made would haunt him forever.
.........
Trip spent the entire night trying to think of new ways to increase engine efficiency. He may have been off-duty, but that didn't mean he couldn't offer suggestions that the Captain could approve and send down to engineering. Once morning came, he took a quick shower to shake off some of the exhaustion coursing through his aching body. He dried up and took a look at himself in the mirror. He looked terrible. His pale face and the dark circles around his eyes made him look like a ghost.
He got dressed and made his way to the Captain's quarters, taking a moment outside to compose himself, as if that would make him look or feel any better. He pushed the button and awaited an answer.
"Come in." The Captain was busy going over the ship's efficiency report when Trip walked in. He looked at the Chief Engineer then back to his screen. "What is it Trip? I'm pretty busy right now"
"It'll only take a minute. I came up with some modifications we could make to increase our warp reactor's efficiency." He handed the Captain a small computer pad.
Archer sighed. He took the pad and placed it on his desk without looking at it. "It really isn't much of an order if an officer doesn't follow it."
"I haven't been down to engineerin' Sir. I did this in my quarters. All you have to do is tell my staff---"
"I'm going to say this one more time Trip. You are not to be involved in this ship's operation until the Doctor clears you. You have to rest. Why are you making things so difficult?"
"Well I'm sorry for bein' such a problem to you Captain. Would it be alright with you if I laid down in my quarters and died?" Trip retorted angrily.
Archer slammed his fists into his desk and got up. "Why the hell would you say that?"
Trip wasn't intimidated. "Seems to me like everyone woulda been better off if Sim was here instead of me. Includin' you."
Archer's gaze went down to his hands. "That's not fair."
"I'll tell you what's not fair! Wakin' up feelin' relieved you're not dead, only to find out that someone had to die to save your life!" Trip lowered his tone as the sadness came over his voice. "Wakin' up to realize nobody else, not even your closest friend, cares that you made it."
"Of course I care. How could you think otherwise?" Archer looked back up to Trip.
"You could've fooled me." He met Archer's eyes. "Where were you after I woke up in sickbay? Where were you after the funeral when it seemed like my entire life was falling apart?" He took a deep breath. "Where were you when I needed a friend the most?"
Archer looked away and sat down. "You don't understand. The choice I made, it---cost someone their life. Every time I look at you I see Sim. I see the little kid who was scared cause he didn't know where his parents were. The kid who grew up knowing he was some freak creation of science, whose only purpose was to save somebody else's life. I gave the order to bring him to life, but what the hell kind of life did I give him? He could only live for two weeks, and before those two weeks were up he would have to die to save you. He didn't want to die. He had a taste of what it was like to live, to have friends, to experience what we experience. But we only gave him a taste, and that's it. In the end he sacrificed himself because of your memories. He knew if you died and the enzyme didn't work, then neither of you would be there to avenge Lizzie's death." Archer glanced at Trip, who was staring out the viewport. "I know I wasn't there for you, and I'm sorry. But I can't pretend none of this happened and just go back to normal. I just can't. I need some time."
Trip stayed silent for a few moments, never taking his eyes off the stars. He tried to absorb everything the Captain had just told him. Without taking his eyes off the viewport he spoke. "I never asked for any of this to happen. If I had the chance, knowing how much my life would cost, I wouldn't have let you make that decision. But the choice wasn't mine, and I wish to God you didn't have to make it." He turned to face the Captain. "Somethin' I had no control of is ruining my life, and it kills me cause I can't do a damn thing about it. Take all the time you need, but I just hope one day you'll understand that." He left without saying or allowing another word.
Jonathan Archer stood up and walked over to his viewport. He stared out toward the stars, remembering better days. Their lives had changed dramatically since entering the Expanse, but the one thing he had hoped to hold onto was his friendship with Trip. It would take some time and it wouldn't be easy, but he was damned if he was going to go through this without his best friend.
.........
Trip walked into the mess hall after his talk with the Captain. He was pretty hungry and thought it best to eat something before people arrived for breakfast. Most of the crew still felt uncomfortable around him. It wasn't every day a fellow crewmember was replaced with a clone. He walked into the mess hall and was glad to find it empty. He picked up a plate of eggs and another of some pancakes and made his way to the far corner of the room. He sat down and quietly ate, hoping he could finish before someone he knew walked through the doors. But his luck was running thin lately.
Hoshi and Malcolm made their way into the mess hall. They were deep in conversation and hadn't noticed the Chief Engineer's presence. Malcolm picked up a plate of eggs and some bacon, while Hoshi made her way to the pancakes. Once they both had what they wanted, they scanned the room for a place to sit. Their eyes fell on Trip, who seemed as though he hadn't noticed them come in. Hoshi looked at Malcolm, and he tipped his head in Trip's direction.
"Are these seats taken?"
Trip was caught off-guard. He expected them to leave once they saw him. "Uh---no Malcolm. You guys can sit."
"How you feelin' Commander?" Hoshi asked as she sat down.
"I'm better. Thanks. Just a small headache that's all."
"You look terrible. Are you sure you're alright?" There was genuine concern in his voice.
Trip appreciated it. "Yeah I'll be fine. Thanks anyway though."
"That's what friends are for."
Trip thought about it for a second. "I didn't think I had any friends left."
Hoshi reached out and put her hand over Trip's. "We'll always be your friends, no matter what. I'm not gonna lie and say it's been easy these last couple of weeks, but you're not to blame. It affected you as much as it did anyone else." Malcolm nodded in agreement.
Trip couldn't help but smile at this. "That really means a lot to me. I know it's gonna take some time for things to get back to normal, but I'm glad you guys are willin'." He couldn't blame them for not being there for him sooner. He wasn't that close to either. But it was enough that they cared. "I better go and get some rest. I'll see you two later." He smiled and got up.
Both Malcolm and Hoshi said their goodbyes and Trip made his way to his quarters. Today had been an exhausting day, but at least he had come to terms with the Captain, as well as Hoshi and Malcolm. He lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. His thoughts drifted to a certain Vulcan officer. He wanted to be angry with her for not being there for him, but he found he couldn't. He cared for her too much. His feelings for her had gone beyond that of friendship, and he couldn't bear the idea of losing her. He knew that her sudden avoidance of him was caused by something that must have happened between her and Sim. He guessed that maybe Sim had somehow angered her to a point where she couldn't even face Trip, probably because she saw Sim every time she looked at him. He wanted to confront her, but he had no idea what he could possibly say.
..........
T'Pol felt relieved. Although Vulcans suppressed emotion, her time with humans on Enterprise had certainly changed her. Her shift on the bridge would soon be over, and she could finally retreat to the solitude of her quarters and meditate. The past couple of weeks had certainly taken their toll on her otherwise calm and controlled Vulcan mind. When she learned of Commander Tucker's condition in sickbay, sadness flooded her mind and it took every ounce of strength in her body to control herself. She had visited him a several times in sickbay but found it hard to stay long since she didn't want the Doctor or the Captain to see the worry evident on her face. They had grown quite close over the last couple of months, and she had a certain---fondness toward him. Even if she'd never willingly admit it, she had always looked forward to their sessions and found that she enjoyed his companionship.
T'Pol sighed inwardly. The accident had changed everything. When she learned of the Doctor's idea of cloning the Commander in order to salvage neural tissue, she was sceptical to say the least. The matter was a complicated one, and although she knew it was her duty to advise the Captain of any risks involved, she was inwardly grateful for his decision. She believed the Commander to be an irreplaceable member of this crew.
She had watched the clone grow from an infant into a teenager, and from a teenager into an adult. She had no idea how much Sim would be like the Commander, and was surprised when he possessed not only all of Mr. Tucker's memories, but his abilities as well. When he came to her to profess his feelings, she had to admit she was caught off-guard. What troubled her most was that he didn't know whether those feelings belonged to him or the Commander. Deep down inside T'Pol believed they weren't Sim's, for how could he develop such strong feelings for her in such short time? But at the same time she wanted to believe it, because she didn't know how she would respond if indeed the Commander did have feelings for her.
She found out the night she went to visit Sim. The night he would sacrifice himself to save the life of another. When she spoke to him, she thought of the Commander. If Sim's feelings were indeed his and not Mr. Tucker's, then this would be her one and only chance to find out if she truly felt anything for him. She hesitated only for a moment before walking up to him and placing her lips on his. In that moment, her heart skipped a beat and she felt like volts of electricity were being passed throughout her entire body. When she pulled away, her mind was alive with so many emotions she couldn't even comprehend what they were. Her stomach felt weak, and her knees were threatening to buckle unless she composed herself. She opened her eyes and saw the Commander. His blue eyes stared back at her, and she realized in that moment she could be lost in those eyes forever.
When Commander Tucker had finally awoken, she could not bring herself to go see him. There was still the slight possibility that he did not have any feelings for her, and she found it would be difficult for her to continue giving him neuro-pressure treatments if she felt the way she did. There was another possibility that scared T'Pol. If he did reciprocate her feelings, how would they proceed? He was an emotionally charged being, and she was worried that a relationship with him might mean the downfall of her logic. The price she would have to pay in order to pursue a romantic relationship with a human would be high. The Commander himself would have to get involved with a woman who could offer him so very little but her feelings. She wondered if that would be enough for him.
After giving all these some thought, T'Pol dealt with the situation the only way she knew how. By avoiding him. She could not bring herself to make a decision. There were simply too many factors to take into account. Vulcans never made decisions based on feelings, and if no logical solution could be found, she would simply have to avoid making that decision.
She glanced at the time. 22:00hrs. She realized her shift was over. She asked the Captain if her assistance was further required but he dismissed her. The whole situation with Sim had only added to the change being brought on to the Captain since the Xindi attack. Although he had become more dedicated to finding the weapon, he was no longer the man she met so long ago on Earth. Once she reached her quarters, T'Pol laid out a pillow on the floor and lit her candles. She settled herself down on the pillow and began to meditate.
.........
When Trip woke up, he was relieved that the pain had finally subsided. The Doctor's medication was working. He sat up, rubbed his eyes and looked at the time. He couldn't believe he had slept through most of the day. It was late into the night but he wasn't that hungry. He decided he would stop by the mess hall later and eat whatever he could find. He lay back down on his bed and decided he might as well stay put, since there was little else he could do.
.........
After about an hour of meditation, T'Pol opened her eyes and stood up. Her attempts to bury her feelings had failed. All she could hope for now was to get some rest, but she knew that wasn't going to be easy. For the past week she'd been having trouble sleeping. After taking every possible factor into consideration, she had deduced that the absence of Mr. Tucker from her exercises had caused some sort of discomfort within her. She lay down on her bed and began contemplating what her next course of action would be.
It would be logical to resign her commission to Enterprise and return to Vulcan. She knew living like this was unacceptable. She highly doubted her people would willingly welcome her back, but perhaps if she could re- integrate herself into Vulcan society they would eventually accept her. Her only other option was staying onboard the human vessel. She knew the longer she stayed, the harder it would be to control her thoughts and emotions. The humans on this ship tested that control on a daily basis, and now she found it increasingly difficult given the feelings she had discovered for the Chief Engineer. Confronting him was something T'Pol didn't believe she was capable of. Although she wanted nothing else then to tell him what he deserved to know, there was always that lingering fear in the back of her mind. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if a relationship wouldn't work out? But if she didn't confront him, would she regret it for the rest of her life? Would she be able to go on living, never being able to know what could have been?
She had but two options. Either she would go and speak to the Captain, letting him know of her resignation, or she would go see Commander Tucker and tell him how she felt. The former was certainty, and the latter was hope. In the end it wasn't that difficult for her to reach a decision.
.........
The Captain had retired to his quarters for the night. He sat down, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. Porthos jumped on his lap, demanding attention. Archer started scratching his ears and petting his head. It had been a rough day. He needed to get some rest. He lifted Porthos and gently placed him on the ground. He then made his way to his bed, taking off his uniform, shutting off the light and settling peacefully under the covers.
His door chimed, and Archer let out a sigh. For a minute he thought about ignoring it, but that wasn't very suitable of a captain. He got up, turned the lights on and opened the door. He was surprised to say the least.
"Can I help you Hoshi?"
"I'm so sorry for bothering you Captain. I tried finding someone to help me, but the Lt. wasn't in his quarters and I didn't know who else to ask."
"Who to ask for what?"
"I think something's broken in my ceiling. I keep hearing rattling noises and I can't sleep." She looked very embarrassed and nervous so Archer tried his best to be friendly.
"Alright Hoshi. Let's go and take a look."
..........
T'Pol made her way through the empty hallways before finally reaching her destination. She knew it was getting late but she pushed the button anyway. It was now or never. The door opened to reveal one very tired looking Chief Engineer, but his face seemed to light up once he saw who his late night visitor was.
"T'Pol?"
She looked into the same blue eyes she had been lost in once before.
"Commander. We need to talk."
She had made her choice.
Author: Trekaholic
I do not own Enterprise or any of the characters. Paramount does. I simply use them to write this non-profit story. Don't send lawyers after me!
Summary: This story takes place after 'Similitude'. I know a lot of people have done something like this, but there's always another perspective! Basically T'Pol and Trip come to terms with their feelings. I had another story, 'Changes' on fanfiction.net but decided to pull it out for now cause I'm having trouble writing it. I want to concentrate on this for the time being. Rating: I would rate this PG, because nothing sexual really happens.yet! And as for genre, it has drama/romance/angst and a little bit of humour. I don't mind if others want to archive this story. As long as everyone enjoys it and tries to review it.
Chapter One
Commander Charles Tucker III quietly made his way through the halls of the starship Enterprise. He paused for a moment, moving toward the wall nearest him and bracing his weight on it with his left hand. He then clenched his right fist and tried to drill it into his forehead. Although there was no medical evidence to support such a method, he believed it was the only way to suppress the constant pain lingering in his skull since he woke up after the operation. Once it had momentarily subsided, he continued on his way toward engineering.
It was late. Very late. The only sound present in engineering was that of the warp reactor. Its engineers had long since gone to sleep. They deserved it after all. The long hours the team had put in to start getting all the systems online hadn't gone unnoticed by the Captain. He had decided to suspend the nightshift for the time being, seeing as there was no immediate threat to deal with. Trip reached the doors of engineering and activated the controls to open them. The suspended nightshift had allowed him to come in unnoticed every night for the last week. His only solace had become checking up on the engines, since there was little else he could do. It had been a week since the funeral. A week since the Doctor had ordered him off duty until he fully recovered. And a week since he had seen himself, not in a mirror, but in a coffin ready to be launched out into nothingness. Or perhaps it was the other way around. Maybe he was the one left with nothing, and the man who lay dead in the coffin took everything with him into the welcoming embrace of the universe.
After all, he had made the ultimate sacrifice. His life was forfeit so that Trip's wouldn't be. But at what price had me made this sacrifice? To save the life of a man who the ship, as well as its occupants, needed? If anything, his friends had acted like Trip should have been the one in that coffin. He knew the Captain had given the order, but the Captain didn't know the operation would kill the clone. The Captain didn't know there was a small chance an enzyme could give Sim the life he wanted. He had been avoiding any unnecessary contact with the Chief Engineer since the funeral, as if the very sight of him reminded the Captain how much he wasn't worth his decision. Phlox had seen him on a regular basis to administer medication, but the once cheerful doctor could barely look him in the eye anymore. Malcolm had put on a façade to pretend nothing was wrong, but even the Armoury Officer showed sadness in his eyes every time he looked at Trip.
Then there was T'Pol. She had been avoiding Trip like the plague, and the part that killed him the most was that he didn't know why. She was Vulcan, and if anything, the only person this whole incident shouldn't have had such an effect on. Nevertheless, after the funeral she had left him a message saying she was glad he was recovering but she would be busy with work and unable to help him with neuro-pressure for a couple of days. It didn't take a genius to figure out that she probably never wanted to resume them. The thought worried Trip more than he would admit. Not only did he need her to sleep better again, but he needed her company as well. He missed the time they spent together, and most of all he missed the closeness the two of them had finally shared. It scared him to think that was all over.
He pushed his thoughts aside and began going over the engine diagnostics. His team had done a hell of a job and he wished he were there to help them. He didn't really feel comfortable around them anymore. Anytime he saw them in the halls, they always looked at him in a strange way, as if trying to decide if it was really him or someone else. Someone who had looked exactly like him. Someone who had befriended them, worked with them, and walked the same hallways as if it were him. Maybe that's why everyone had changed. Maybe this 'clone' was not only a copy of Trip, but in some ways better than him. His thoughts were interrupted when the door to engineering opened, and Trip hoped it was just one of his own people who had come down to check on the engines. He had no such luck.
"I thought the Doctor and I made it clear you were off-duty for the time being."
"I just thought I'd come by and see how the engines were doin' Cap'n." Normally, a smile would accompany any talk about his beloved engines, but the Captain had been anything but humorous lately. "How'd you know I was down here anyway?"
"Phlox came by your quarters. He had a new sedative he wanted to give you for the pain. When you didn't answer he called me. We checked your quarters and thought you might be down here." Archer didn't sound too happy about getting woken up so late. "He's expecting you."
"Sorry I woke you up. I guess I'll drop by sickbay then."
"I don't want you down here again until you're cleared for duty. That's an order." Archer turned and walked away.
"Understood." Trip's voice went to empty ears as the door to engineering closed behind the Captain.
..........
By the time Trip reached sickbay, the pain returned and his head was throbbing. He hoped whatever the Doctor had would finally subdue his constant headaches. He walked into sickbay and sat on the edge of one of the beds.
Doctor Phlox came out of his office after he heard the doors of sickbay open. He was already prepared for the Commander's arrival and made his way toward the bed with hypospray in hand. "I believe this will help ease the pain, Commander." He injected the contents into Trip's neck.
"I hope so Doc. It's been gettin' pretty bad lately."
"As is expected from the trauma you went through. It will take time for your body to fully recover. However, if you continue to neglect rest, I assure you your condition will only get worse."
"Don't worry. The Cap'n made it pretty clear I can't go down to engineerin' anymore."
"He is only concerned for your well being."
"I'm sure that's what it is. I better get goin'. Thanks for the medication."
"You're welcome. Goodnight Commander." Trip nodded and made his way out.
Phlox turned his attention to the unoccupied bed. A single tear made its way down his cheek as he thought about Sim lying on that same bed only a little while ago. His words echoed in the Doctor's mind. 'You made a damn good father.' What kind of father brings his son into the world, only to condemn his life afterwards? What kind of father neglects to mention any chance of survival, no matter how small, so that his son might lead a normal life? Phlox tried to pull himself together. He was glad the Commander was okay, but the sacrifice made would haunt him forever.
.........
Trip spent the entire night trying to think of new ways to increase engine efficiency. He may have been off-duty, but that didn't mean he couldn't offer suggestions that the Captain could approve and send down to engineering. Once morning came, he took a quick shower to shake off some of the exhaustion coursing through his aching body. He dried up and took a look at himself in the mirror. He looked terrible. His pale face and the dark circles around his eyes made him look like a ghost.
He got dressed and made his way to the Captain's quarters, taking a moment outside to compose himself, as if that would make him look or feel any better. He pushed the button and awaited an answer.
"Come in." The Captain was busy going over the ship's efficiency report when Trip walked in. He looked at the Chief Engineer then back to his screen. "What is it Trip? I'm pretty busy right now"
"It'll only take a minute. I came up with some modifications we could make to increase our warp reactor's efficiency." He handed the Captain a small computer pad.
Archer sighed. He took the pad and placed it on his desk without looking at it. "It really isn't much of an order if an officer doesn't follow it."
"I haven't been down to engineerin' Sir. I did this in my quarters. All you have to do is tell my staff---"
"I'm going to say this one more time Trip. You are not to be involved in this ship's operation until the Doctor clears you. You have to rest. Why are you making things so difficult?"
"Well I'm sorry for bein' such a problem to you Captain. Would it be alright with you if I laid down in my quarters and died?" Trip retorted angrily.
Archer slammed his fists into his desk and got up. "Why the hell would you say that?"
Trip wasn't intimidated. "Seems to me like everyone woulda been better off if Sim was here instead of me. Includin' you."
Archer's gaze went down to his hands. "That's not fair."
"I'll tell you what's not fair! Wakin' up feelin' relieved you're not dead, only to find out that someone had to die to save your life!" Trip lowered his tone as the sadness came over his voice. "Wakin' up to realize nobody else, not even your closest friend, cares that you made it."
"Of course I care. How could you think otherwise?" Archer looked back up to Trip.
"You could've fooled me." He met Archer's eyes. "Where were you after I woke up in sickbay? Where were you after the funeral when it seemed like my entire life was falling apart?" He took a deep breath. "Where were you when I needed a friend the most?"
Archer looked away and sat down. "You don't understand. The choice I made, it---cost someone their life. Every time I look at you I see Sim. I see the little kid who was scared cause he didn't know where his parents were. The kid who grew up knowing he was some freak creation of science, whose only purpose was to save somebody else's life. I gave the order to bring him to life, but what the hell kind of life did I give him? He could only live for two weeks, and before those two weeks were up he would have to die to save you. He didn't want to die. He had a taste of what it was like to live, to have friends, to experience what we experience. But we only gave him a taste, and that's it. In the end he sacrificed himself because of your memories. He knew if you died and the enzyme didn't work, then neither of you would be there to avenge Lizzie's death." Archer glanced at Trip, who was staring out the viewport. "I know I wasn't there for you, and I'm sorry. But I can't pretend none of this happened and just go back to normal. I just can't. I need some time."
Trip stayed silent for a few moments, never taking his eyes off the stars. He tried to absorb everything the Captain had just told him. Without taking his eyes off the viewport he spoke. "I never asked for any of this to happen. If I had the chance, knowing how much my life would cost, I wouldn't have let you make that decision. But the choice wasn't mine, and I wish to God you didn't have to make it." He turned to face the Captain. "Somethin' I had no control of is ruining my life, and it kills me cause I can't do a damn thing about it. Take all the time you need, but I just hope one day you'll understand that." He left without saying or allowing another word.
Jonathan Archer stood up and walked over to his viewport. He stared out toward the stars, remembering better days. Their lives had changed dramatically since entering the Expanse, but the one thing he had hoped to hold onto was his friendship with Trip. It would take some time and it wouldn't be easy, but he was damned if he was going to go through this without his best friend.
.........
Trip walked into the mess hall after his talk with the Captain. He was pretty hungry and thought it best to eat something before people arrived for breakfast. Most of the crew still felt uncomfortable around him. It wasn't every day a fellow crewmember was replaced with a clone. He walked into the mess hall and was glad to find it empty. He picked up a plate of eggs and another of some pancakes and made his way to the far corner of the room. He sat down and quietly ate, hoping he could finish before someone he knew walked through the doors. But his luck was running thin lately.
Hoshi and Malcolm made their way into the mess hall. They were deep in conversation and hadn't noticed the Chief Engineer's presence. Malcolm picked up a plate of eggs and some bacon, while Hoshi made her way to the pancakes. Once they both had what they wanted, they scanned the room for a place to sit. Their eyes fell on Trip, who seemed as though he hadn't noticed them come in. Hoshi looked at Malcolm, and he tipped his head in Trip's direction.
"Are these seats taken?"
Trip was caught off-guard. He expected them to leave once they saw him. "Uh---no Malcolm. You guys can sit."
"How you feelin' Commander?" Hoshi asked as she sat down.
"I'm better. Thanks. Just a small headache that's all."
"You look terrible. Are you sure you're alright?" There was genuine concern in his voice.
Trip appreciated it. "Yeah I'll be fine. Thanks anyway though."
"That's what friends are for."
Trip thought about it for a second. "I didn't think I had any friends left."
Hoshi reached out and put her hand over Trip's. "We'll always be your friends, no matter what. I'm not gonna lie and say it's been easy these last couple of weeks, but you're not to blame. It affected you as much as it did anyone else." Malcolm nodded in agreement.
Trip couldn't help but smile at this. "That really means a lot to me. I know it's gonna take some time for things to get back to normal, but I'm glad you guys are willin'." He couldn't blame them for not being there for him sooner. He wasn't that close to either. But it was enough that they cared. "I better go and get some rest. I'll see you two later." He smiled and got up.
Both Malcolm and Hoshi said their goodbyes and Trip made his way to his quarters. Today had been an exhausting day, but at least he had come to terms with the Captain, as well as Hoshi and Malcolm. He lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling. His thoughts drifted to a certain Vulcan officer. He wanted to be angry with her for not being there for him, but he found he couldn't. He cared for her too much. His feelings for her had gone beyond that of friendship, and he couldn't bear the idea of losing her. He knew that her sudden avoidance of him was caused by something that must have happened between her and Sim. He guessed that maybe Sim had somehow angered her to a point where she couldn't even face Trip, probably because she saw Sim every time she looked at him. He wanted to confront her, but he had no idea what he could possibly say.
..........
T'Pol felt relieved. Although Vulcans suppressed emotion, her time with humans on Enterprise had certainly changed her. Her shift on the bridge would soon be over, and she could finally retreat to the solitude of her quarters and meditate. The past couple of weeks had certainly taken their toll on her otherwise calm and controlled Vulcan mind. When she learned of Commander Tucker's condition in sickbay, sadness flooded her mind and it took every ounce of strength in her body to control herself. She had visited him a several times in sickbay but found it hard to stay long since she didn't want the Doctor or the Captain to see the worry evident on her face. They had grown quite close over the last couple of months, and she had a certain---fondness toward him. Even if she'd never willingly admit it, she had always looked forward to their sessions and found that she enjoyed his companionship.
T'Pol sighed inwardly. The accident had changed everything. When she learned of the Doctor's idea of cloning the Commander in order to salvage neural tissue, she was sceptical to say the least. The matter was a complicated one, and although she knew it was her duty to advise the Captain of any risks involved, she was inwardly grateful for his decision. She believed the Commander to be an irreplaceable member of this crew.
She had watched the clone grow from an infant into a teenager, and from a teenager into an adult. She had no idea how much Sim would be like the Commander, and was surprised when he possessed not only all of Mr. Tucker's memories, but his abilities as well. When he came to her to profess his feelings, she had to admit she was caught off-guard. What troubled her most was that he didn't know whether those feelings belonged to him or the Commander. Deep down inside T'Pol believed they weren't Sim's, for how could he develop such strong feelings for her in such short time? But at the same time she wanted to believe it, because she didn't know how she would respond if indeed the Commander did have feelings for her.
She found out the night she went to visit Sim. The night he would sacrifice himself to save the life of another. When she spoke to him, she thought of the Commander. If Sim's feelings were indeed his and not Mr. Tucker's, then this would be her one and only chance to find out if she truly felt anything for him. She hesitated only for a moment before walking up to him and placing her lips on his. In that moment, her heart skipped a beat and she felt like volts of electricity were being passed throughout her entire body. When she pulled away, her mind was alive with so many emotions she couldn't even comprehend what they were. Her stomach felt weak, and her knees were threatening to buckle unless she composed herself. She opened her eyes and saw the Commander. His blue eyes stared back at her, and she realized in that moment she could be lost in those eyes forever.
When Commander Tucker had finally awoken, she could not bring herself to go see him. There was still the slight possibility that he did not have any feelings for her, and she found it would be difficult for her to continue giving him neuro-pressure treatments if she felt the way she did. There was another possibility that scared T'Pol. If he did reciprocate her feelings, how would they proceed? He was an emotionally charged being, and she was worried that a relationship with him might mean the downfall of her logic. The price she would have to pay in order to pursue a romantic relationship with a human would be high. The Commander himself would have to get involved with a woman who could offer him so very little but her feelings. She wondered if that would be enough for him.
After giving all these some thought, T'Pol dealt with the situation the only way she knew how. By avoiding him. She could not bring herself to make a decision. There were simply too many factors to take into account. Vulcans never made decisions based on feelings, and if no logical solution could be found, she would simply have to avoid making that decision.
She glanced at the time. 22:00hrs. She realized her shift was over. She asked the Captain if her assistance was further required but he dismissed her. The whole situation with Sim had only added to the change being brought on to the Captain since the Xindi attack. Although he had become more dedicated to finding the weapon, he was no longer the man she met so long ago on Earth. Once she reached her quarters, T'Pol laid out a pillow on the floor and lit her candles. She settled herself down on the pillow and began to meditate.
.........
When Trip woke up, he was relieved that the pain had finally subsided. The Doctor's medication was working. He sat up, rubbed his eyes and looked at the time. He couldn't believe he had slept through most of the day. It was late into the night but he wasn't that hungry. He decided he would stop by the mess hall later and eat whatever he could find. He lay back down on his bed and decided he might as well stay put, since there was little else he could do.
.........
After about an hour of meditation, T'Pol opened her eyes and stood up. Her attempts to bury her feelings had failed. All she could hope for now was to get some rest, but she knew that wasn't going to be easy. For the past week she'd been having trouble sleeping. After taking every possible factor into consideration, she had deduced that the absence of Mr. Tucker from her exercises had caused some sort of discomfort within her. She lay down on her bed and began contemplating what her next course of action would be.
It would be logical to resign her commission to Enterprise and return to Vulcan. She knew living like this was unacceptable. She highly doubted her people would willingly welcome her back, but perhaps if she could re- integrate herself into Vulcan society they would eventually accept her. Her only other option was staying onboard the human vessel. She knew the longer she stayed, the harder it would be to control her thoughts and emotions. The humans on this ship tested that control on a daily basis, and now she found it increasingly difficult given the feelings she had discovered for the Chief Engineer. Confronting him was something T'Pol didn't believe she was capable of. Although she wanted nothing else then to tell him what he deserved to know, there was always that lingering fear in the back of her mind. What if he didn't feel the same way? What if a relationship wouldn't work out? But if she didn't confront him, would she regret it for the rest of her life? Would she be able to go on living, never being able to know what could have been?
She had but two options. Either she would go and speak to the Captain, letting him know of her resignation, or she would go see Commander Tucker and tell him how she felt. The former was certainty, and the latter was hope. In the end it wasn't that difficult for her to reach a decision.
.........
The Captain had retired to his quarters for the night. He sat down, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. Porthos jumped on his lap, demanding attention. Archer started scratching his ears and petting his head. It had been a rough day. He needed to get some rest. He lifted Porthos and gently placed him on the ground. He then made his way to his bed, taking off his uniform, shutting off the light and settling peacefully under the covers.
His door chimed, and Archer let out a sigh. For a minute he thought about ignoring it, but that wasn't very suitable of a captain. He got up, turned the lights on and opened the door. He was surprised to say the least.
"Can I help you Hoshi?"
"I'm so sorry for bothering you Captain. I tried finding someone to help me, but the Lt. wasn't in his quarters and I didn't know who else to ask."
"Who to ask for what?"
"I think something's broken in my ceiling. I keep hearing rattling noises and I can't sleep." She looked very embarrassed and nervous so Archer tried his best to be friendly.
"Alright Hoshi. Let's go and take a look."
..........
T'Pol made her way through the empty hallways before finally reaching her destination. She knew it was getting late but she pushed the button anyway. It was now or never. The door opened to reveal one very tired looking Chief Engineer, but his face seemed to light up once he saw who his late night visitor was.
"T'Pol?"
She looked into the same blue eyes she had been lost in once before.
"Commander. We need to talk."
She had made her choice.
