Gandalf: The Mental Therapist:

Appointment Seven:

Aragorn's Hydrophobia

"Send the next one in," Gandalf spoke into his speakerphone.

Suddenly, a rank smell filled the air.

"Ah, I don't even have to look at my list of appointments of today to tell that's Aragorn," Gandalf said, taking out a clothes pin and clogging his nose.

Aragorn entered the room and sat down on the couch.

"What ails you, your majesty," Gandalf asked.

"Well, do you know why I smell so bad," Aragorn asked.

"Yes, because you don't bathe, it is quite obvious," Gandalf answered.

"Well, I don't bathe because I am a hydrophonic," Aragorn said, much shame in his eyes, "I Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildor, the..."

"I am well aware of who you are, get to the point," Gandalf interrupted.

"I who slay many foes am afraid of water," Aragorn sobbed now, "I cannot live with the shame of it." With that, he covered his face with his hands.

"Well, there are two choices," Gandalf said, "Either run around with a mask, like Zorro, or, face your fears."

"Well, I don't look good in masks. Arwen, daughter of Elrond, the evenstar of her people..." Aragorn started.

"You are fond of long titles, too, I can see., Gandalf cut in.

"Sorry, well, my wife said I don't look good in masks," Aragorn finished.

"When did you try a mask on," Gandalf asked.

"She had a fantasy where her lover crawled in the window and they..." Aragorn started again.

"Enough. I can see where that was going," Gandalf said, "You didn't look as good in a mask as her fantasy version of you, eh?"

"No, I actually scared her," Aragorn replied, "She screamed and Legolas came in and shot me."

"And you're still alive," Gandalf said with much surprise.

"Well, he was drunk," Aragorn said, "And it only got my shoulder."

"Where did he come from," Gandalf asked, remembering that their room was locked when they were in it.

"He came out of our closet. Why," Aragorn asked.

"Nothing," Gandalf replied, writing down to note to himself, "Nothing at all."

"Well, he hasn't been in our closet since. He was wearing one of her dresses," Aragorn said, shuddering.

"I can well imagine," Gandalf said, being quite familiar with Legolas' dressing habits when drunk.

"Well, it seems that we must have you confront your fear of water," Gandalf said, "And we can do it right here."

"Can I overcome my fear by using the shallow end of our swimming pool, please," Aragorn asked.

"Why," Gandalf asked in reply, "Its perfectly safe here."

"Oh, just the little fact that Faramir has just now come home from the House of Healing, again," Aragorn said, "He told me everything."

"Now, he set himself on fire. Don't blame me," Gandalf retorted.

"Your fault or not, it happened here. As did Denethur's unfortunate second roasting!"

"What can possibly happen with water, the very thing used to fight fire," Gandalf asked.

"Well..." Aragorn said, "You have a point there. So, how do we do this."

"I have a tub full of water in the closet," Gandalf said, pointing to the very closet where Sam had ambushed Shelob for a second time.

"What will we do with the water," Aragorn asked.

"I will place a spell on you that will allow you to breathe under the water, and there you will stay, until you are quite comfortable with it," Gandalf said.

"I have to go under water," Aragorn asked, turning blue.

"Yes," Gandalf replied, cheerily, and motioned to the closet. The door opened and the tub slid out into the middle of the room.

"Get in the tub," Gandalf ordered.

Aragorn hesitated, but climbed into the tub, regardless, and sat in it.

Gandalf began chanting.

Aragorn laid down and went below the water's surface.

"There, that should do it," Gandalf, opening his spell book to make sure.

Suddenly, Aragorn's arms and legs began thrashing about.

"Hold your horses, I am busy," Gandalf said, looking through his spell book.

"Uh-oh," Gandalf said as he looked at the spell he had cast. He turned just in to time to see Aragorn get flushed down into the sewage system.

"I'll get you...GANDALF," Aragorn shouted as he was sucked down.

"Goodness," Gandalf said, "Grace!" He said into his headphones, "we need some plumbers, and fast!"