I close my eyes, relaxing in the tub and trying to forget the recent
worries and woes in my life.
A few minutes pass by, and I hear a soft rap on the door.
****
"Yeah?" I turn my head, curious as to Eva's interruption.
"Sam?" I hear Jack's voice and my heart soars, as the doorknob turns. "Oh sorry," his smile meets my eyes as I motion for him to come closer. My fingers gesture towards him, and the bubbles on my hand fall to the tub.
He leans down, allowing my soapy wet hand to run through his hair, as his lips descend on mine.
"What are you doing back?" I glance into his eyes with a hopeful smile.
"I couldn't leave you alone tonight."
"Jack," I shake my head, "I don't want to be the one thing keeping your family apart."
"You're not. I am," he answers, giving me another kiss, filled with need and want, as his hand caresses itself into my hair.
"Why are you here?" My heart feels betrayed because if he still loves his wife, I can never really have him.
"I was worried about you," Jack tells me. "After our argument in the car earlier, I had this horrible thought cross my mind."
"Jack," I take my hands and grip his, "I promise I would never do anything like that."
"That's what Doris said," his voice cracks, and his head falls forward.
I stand up in the darkness, the candlelight bathing my body, as I grab a towel and wrap it around my wet skin. I take Jack's hand, ushering him into my bedroom once again.
"Jack, I want you to know that I would never hurt myself. I couldn't do it to you," I tell him soundly. "I know the pain it would cause. You have more reason to worry about me transferring out," I tease him, taking a seat beside him on the bed.
"You're thinking of changing divisions?" His eyes finally come up to meet mine.
"No," I laugh softly, shaking my head. "It's an expression. Never mind," I tell him with a resigned sigh.
"You sure?" he questions again.
"Positive. I couldn't imagine working with anyone else," I answer.
I stand up, heading towards my dresser for night attire. I pull out an outfit, heading into the bathroom to get dressed.
"You done yet?" I hear Jack knocking on the bathroom door and I turn the knob opening it, to let him in. I finish brushing back my hair and blow out the forgotten candles.
"Finished," I answer with a smile, heading into the bedroom with Jack in tow.
I slip between the covers, glancing towards the clock to see it's almost midnight. I roll onto my side to face Jack. "You coming to bed?" I question, seeing him sit on the edge of the bed. He lets out a soft breath, and I can tell this is consuming him. "You love her still, don't you?"
"Yes," Jack nods his head. His eyes reluctantly rise to meet mine.
"And me?" I question with curiosity. "Where do I fit in to all of this?"
"I love you too," he answers. "Some days I wake up and I know exactly what I want."
"And other days?" My eyes glance into his as he lies back against the pillows, his eyes shutting with a soft sigh.
"I feel like this," he tells me.
My hand moves to his shoulder, gently comforting him.
"If you're going to feel guilty about staying here, then you should go home to your family."
"It's not that," he answers, rolling onto his side to face me. His fingers move to my shoulder, gently pushing my hair behind my ear and letting it fall down my back.
"Jack?" His eyes watch his fingers until I speak his name.
"I want to be with you, Sam; that's why I always feel so terrible. I shouldn't want this, but I do."
"It's not your fault." I move my hand to his, pressing a soft kiss to our intertwined fingers as his eyes watch mine. He pulls my hand close against his heart, as I feel the steady rhythm.
"I just hate how much I never want to go home." His eyes meet mine.
"Yeah, sometimes I feel the same way. You've got two girls who love seeing you, though," I remind him with a sad smile.
Jack's fingers move to my neck, tracing along my skin. "Sometimes I think they'd rather I not come home."
"Jack," I shake my head, "that's not true."
"I've disappointed them so much," he lets out a soft sigh. "Now I'm worried what Maria told them. Hannah saw your scrunchie in the car. I can't imagine what's running through my daughter's mind."
"Maybe she deserves to hear the truth."
"She's a child!" Jack answers with wide-eyes. "She should be protected."
"From the brutal truth that marriage isn't always the answer, even if you love someone?" I whisper out the words that send a chill down my spine. "I'm sorry," I quickly whisper.
"What do you think I should do?" His eyes glance into mine.
"Jack," I shake my head, "if there's any question in your mind, go home."
"But--"
"Jack, don't make this any harder than it has to be." I lean towards him, giving him a soft kiss to his lips and turning around to shut off the light.
"Sam."
"Don't get me wrong. I want you to stay. I just don't want your mind to be someplace else." I eye him in the darkness. "Go home, work things out, do what you need to do." I roll onto my stomach, my eyes still watching him as I shift beneath the sheets to get comfortable. "Just know that I love you," I tell him before shutting my eyes, not being able to stand the sight of him walking out again.
I feel the bed shift and Jack's warm lips on my cheeks. "I love you too," he tells me, running his hand along my head before moving off the bed. "I'll see you tomorrow at work," he reminds me before leaving my bedroom and shutting the door behind him.
I close my eyes, wanting the tears to leave as I feel them falling fast. "Jack," I whisper, hoping I don't have another sleepless night, alone in my bed, and wishing I hadn't told him to leave. I shift and turn, as the hours pass, trying to find some comfort and a few hours of shut-eye. Not much comes, and as dawn breaks I feel a few more tears and a soft breath escape my lips. "It's not worth crying over," I remind myself. Besides, what's to say what will happen in the end? Maybe I will find some peace of mind or be able to move on.
I don't want to feel this way---lonely and depressed. I felt this way a few short months after switching from the NYPD to the Bureau. I didn't exactly know anyone and I suppose I needed a shoulder to cling to. I went online and met this guy; he seemed great. I was planning on meeting him and then stood him up for a case. I never talked to him again, figured I was better off meeting people in bars. At least then you see the loser you're going to talk with.
I sit up in bed, knowing that it's unlikely I'll get any more sleep. I head into the bathroom, staring at my reflection and my hair that's all over the place. I'm too exhausted to do much of anything. I find an outfit for work and slip it on before putting my hair up.
I head into the kitchen, grabbing a quick breakfast when I see Eva coming in.
"Morning," she yawns, eyeing me and then the apartment. "Where's Jack?"
"He went home," I whisper, taking in a breath and glancing down at my bagel in front of me.
"This morning?" Eva's eyes meet mine as it dawns on her why I look like hell. "Oh. Why didn't you come in last night and tell me?" She moves towards me, enveloping me in a hug.
"It's not the first time." I shrug it off. "Besides I pretty much encouraged him to leave. His wife called and he was on the way home when he was worried about me. So he came back and then--"
"You told him to leave?" Eva questions. "You really screwed up."
"Don't remind me." I let out a sigh and glance towards the clock. "I need to head out soon." I make my way into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and getting one last glance at my reflection before I leave.
"I'll be home late," Eva tells me as I open the front door. "I've got a job interview this afternoon."
"Good luck," I answer, before slipping out the door and heading for the Bureau.
I make my way to the office, heading reluctantly down the hall and towards my cubicle.
"Morning, Samantha," I hear Martin's voice as he approaches.
"Um, yeah," I respond, slightly stumped and still half-asleep from the lack of sleep.
"Long night?" He leans against my desk as I take a seat.
"Yeah," I nod with a yawn, covering my mouth as I see Martin's eyes on Jack.
"You're not the only one," he muses, heading towards the conference table to join Vivian and Danny.
Jack makes his way out of the office, putting the picture of a missing person up on our board. "Stephen Radowski, never made it home from work last night." I step towards the conference table, my eyes heavy and my breathing shallow as the eyes in the picture stare back at me.
"I know him," I whisper, staring at the face on the whiteboard.
"You know him?" Vivian's voice cuts through as all eyes fall on me.
"Yes," I nod slowly, "but he must have changed his last name."
"From what?" Danny glances my way.
"Spade," I whisper, glancing towards Jack as I feel the room spin and I rest my hands on the table to keep my balance.
A few minutes pass by, and I hear a soft rap on the door.
****
"Yeah?" I turn my head, curious as to Eva's interruption.
"Sam?" I hear Jack's voice and my heart soars, as the doorknob turns. "Oh sorry," his smile meets my eyes as I motion for him to come closer. My fingers gesture towards him, and the bubbles on my hand fall to the tub.
He leans down, allowing my soapy wet hand to run through his hair, as his lips descend on mine.
"What are you doing back?" I glance into his eyes with a hopeful smile.
"I couldn't leave you alone tonight."
"Jack," I shake my head, "I don't want to be the one thing keeping your family apart."
"You're not. I am," he answers, giving me another kiss, filled with need and want, as his hand caresses itself into my hair.
"Why are you here?" My heart feels betrayed because if he still loves his wife, I can never really have him.
"I was worried about you," Jack tells me. "After our argument in the car earlier, I had this horrible thought cross my mind."
"Jack," I take my hands and grip his, "I promise I would never do anything like that."
"That's what Doris said," his voice cracks, and his head falls forward.
I stand up in the darkness, the candlelight bathing my body, as I grab a towel and wrap it around my wet skin. I take Jack's hand, ushering him into my bedroom once again.
"Jack, I want you to know that I would never hurt myself. I couldn't do it to you," I tell him soundly. "I know the pain it would cause. You have more reason to worry about me transferring out," I tease him, taking a seat beside him on the bed.
"You're thinking of changing divisions?" His eyes finally come up to meet mine.
"No," I laugh softly, shaking my head. "It's an expression. Never mind," I tell him with a resigned sigh.
"You sure?" he questions again.
"Positive. I couldn't imagine working with anyone else," I answer.
I stand up, heading towards my dresser for night attire. I pull out an outfit, heading into the bathroom to get dressed.
"You done yet?" I hear Jack knocking on the bathroom door and I turn the knob opening it, to let him in. I finish brushing back my hair and blow out the forgotten candles.
"Finished," I answer with a smile, heading into the bedroom with Jack in tow.
I slip between the covers, glancing towards the clock to see it's almost midnight. I roll onto my side to face Jack. "You coming to bed?" I question, seeing him sit on the edge of the bed. He lets out a soft breath, and I can tell this is consuming him. "You love her still, don't you?"
"Yes," Jack nods his head. His eyes reluctantly rise to meet mine.
"And me?" I question with curiosity. "Where do I fit in to all of this?"
"I love you too," he answers. "Some days I wake up and I know exactly what I want."
"And other days?" My eyes glance into his as he lies back against the pillows, his eyes shutting with a soft sigh.
"I feel like this," he tells me.
My hand moves to his shoulder, gently comforting him.
"If you're going to feel guilty about staying here, then you should go home to your family."
"It's not that," he answers, rolling onto his side to face me. His fingers move to my shoulder, gently pushing my hair behind my ear and letting it fall down my back.
"Jack?" His eyes watch his fingers until I speak his name.
"I want to be with you, Sam; that's why I always feel so terrible. I shouldn't want this, but I do."
"It's not your fault." I move my hand to his, pressing a soft kiss to our intertwined fingers as his eyes watch mine. He pulls my hand close against his heart, as I feel the steady rhythm.
"I just hate how much I never want to go home." His eyes meet mine.
"Yeah, sometimes I feel the same way. You've got two girls who love seeing you, though," I remind him with a sad smile.
Jack's fingers move to my neck, tracing along my skin. "Sometimes I think they'd rather I not come home."
"Jack," I shake my head, "that's not true."
"I've disappointed them so much," he lets out a soft sigh. "Now I'm worried what Maria told them. Hannah saw your scrunchie in the car. I can't imagine what's running through my daughter's mind."
"Maybe she deserves to hear the truth."
"She's a child!" Jack answers with wide-eyes. "She should be protected."
"From the brutal truth that marriage isn't always the answer, even if you love someone?" I whisper out the words that send a chill down my spine. "I'm sorry," I quickly whisper.
"What do you think I should do?" His eyes glance into mine.
"Jack," I shake my head, "if there's any question in your mind, go home."
"But--"
"Jack, don't make this any harder than it has to be." I lean towards him, giving him a soft kiss to his lips and turning around to shut off the light.
"Sam."
"Don't get me wrong. I want you to stay. I just don't want your mind to be someplace else." I eye him in the darkness. "Go home, work things out, do what you need to do." I roll onto my stomach, my eyes still watching him as I shift beneath the sheets to get comfortable. "Just know that I love you," I tell him before shutting my eyes, not being able to stand the sight of him walking out again.
I feel the bed shift and Jack's warm lips on my cheeks. "I love you too," he tells me, running his hand along my head before moving off the bed. "I'll see you tomorrow at work," he reminds me before leaving my bedroom and shutting the door behind him.
I close my eyes, wanting the tears to leave as I feel them falling fast. "Jack," I whisper, hoping I don't have another sleepless night, alone in my bed, and wishing I hadn't told him to leave. I shift and turn, as the hours pass, trying to find some comfort and a few hours of shut-eye. Not much comes, and as dawn breaks I feel a few more tears and a soft breath escape my lips. "It's not worth crying over," I remind myself. Besides, what's to say what will happen in the end? Maybe I will find some peace of mind or be able to move on.
I don't want to feel this way---lonely and depressed. I felt this way a few short months after switching from the NYPD to the Bureau. I didn't exactly know anyone and I suppose I needed a shoulder to cling to. I went online and met this guy; he seemed great. I was planning on meeting him and then stood him up for a case. I never talked to him again, figured I was better off meeting people in bars. At least then you see the loser you're going to talk with.
I sit up in bed, knowing that it's unlikely I'll get any more sleep. I head into the bathroom, staring at my reflection and my hair that's all over the place. I'm too exhausted to do much of anything. I find an outfit for work and slip it on before putting my hair up.
I head into the kitchen, grabbing a quick breakfast when I see Eva coming in.
"Morning," she yawns, eyeing me and then the apartment. "Where's Jack?"
"He went home," I whisper, taking in a breath and glancing down at my bagel in front of me.
"This morning?" Eva's eyes meet mine as it dawns on her why I look like hell. "Oh. Why didn't you come in last night and tell me?" She moves towards me, enveloping me in a hug.
"It's not the first time." I shrug it off. "Besides I pretty much encouraged him to leave. His wife called and he was on the way home when he was worried about me. So he came back and then--"
"You told him to leave?" Eva questions. "You really screwed up."
"Don't remind me." I let out a sigh and glance towards the clock. "I need to head out soon." I make my way into the bathroom, brushing my teeth and getting one last glance at my reflection before I leave.
"I'll be home late," Eva tells me as I open the front door. "I've got a job interview this afternoon."
"Good luck," I answer, before slipping out the door and heading for the Bureau.
I make my way to the office, heading reluctantly down the hall and towards my cubicle.
"Morning, Samantha," I hear Martin's voice as he approaches.
"Um, yeah," I respond, slightly stumped and still half-asleep from the lack of sleep.
"Long night?" He leans against my desk as I take a seat.
"Yeah," I nod with a yawn, covering my mouth as I see Martin's eyes on Jack.
"You're not the only one," he muses, heading towards the conference table to join Vivian and Danny.
Jack makes his way out of the office, putting the picture of a missing person up on our board. "Stephen Radowski, never made it home from work last night." I step towards the conference table, my eyes heavy and my breathing shallow as the eyes in the picture stare back at me.
"I know him," I whisper, staring at the face on the whiteboard.
"You know him?" Vivian's voice cuts through as all eyes fall on me.
"Yes," I nod slowly, "but he must have changed his last name."
"From what?" Danny glances my way.
"Spade," I whisper, glancing towards Jack as I feel the room spin and I rest my hands on the table to keep my balance.
