A/N: I forgot to add, we own NOTHING. ZIPPO. ZILCH. Except any original
characters, we own those. We do not own Star Trek, Buffy, Simpsons, Dr.
Who, Austin Powers, Harry Potter, or any other character/places/situations.
Also, NAHTMMM is one very brave soul, and would like to say, "I did some of
this!"
Thankfully, Willow was used to turning rodents back into people. So she did. But John was still nowhere in sight. Q tried to find him, but then he realized he was stuck in the convergence and could only do little magic tricks. Willow and Xander did an sexually suggestive locator spell, and they found the whole DS9 crew. "Hello Ben, Kira, Jadzia(nice to see you back from the dead) Kai Wen,(ditto) Ezri and Bashir, Rom, Odo, Jake, O'Brien, Gul Dukat, Weyoun/Brunt, Female Shapeshifter, Leeta, Kassidy, Molly, Garak, Damar, and the rest. I'm Quark Snyder, and welcome to The Sci- Fi Convergence."said Quark Snyder.
"Yes, but where is John? I want John! He's beefy" said Josie. And suddenly, 99redluftballoons went by.
The balloons all exploded suddenly, leaving everyone with ringing ears. Rom started screaming hysterically and had to be clubbed into silence by the rest of the DS9 crew.
"The situation is getting worse and worse!" wailed Josie. "SOMETHING must be done!"
Willow then dispatched the Borg ships, though still could not find John. "Maybe he wondered into the TARDIS and got lost?" mused the Doctor. "It wouldn't be the first time you know. I'll send K9 off to search for him". Joise looked thoughtful for a moment, then exclaimed suddenly, "The pies!". Everyone hurried to finish the pies, and the 47th came out of the oven just as the Piealith was visible hoving into view in orbit above them. It glowed brightly for a moment, then spun faster and faster until it eventually exploded and showered the whole world with bits of custard. "Well," said Picard, "that's that out of the way at least."
"Hold it" said Ezri, taking a break from Bashir, "But um, there's another, bigger, scarier Piealith coming our way! Look!"
*smoochies*"Wow, you're right" said Crusher. *Picard/Crusher smoochies*"Maybe this is another Apocolypse" said Spike,with really good sunscreen *Scoobies smoochies* "Puny hu-man students. The River of Homework will take of us" *Quark Snyder doesnt get any smoochies*
John walked in. Josie cheered for joy.
"Our only hope, the one who is powerful enough to cause the Convergence and the Piealith, and stop all this stuff, too" said Q.
John looked around."What? I just went for some pizza"
"What the hell does this have to do with the plot?" Josie said.
"I don't think there even is a plot," Xander said. "It would explain a lot."
"Oh, sod off," the author used Spike to say.
So John used his powers to destroy the Piealith while eating his pizza. Josie said, "That was a cool trick." John also sent everyone back to the places where they belonged with his last ounce of energy. However, he sent everyone to the wrong place, the train station. "Why are we back here again?" asked Odo. Meanwhile back whereever they were, Josie tended to John, who didnt look well. "Josie, you must find the others. I think they are lost in time." exclaimed John with his last breathe.
"That sounds more like my department", said the Doctor emerging from the TARDIS which for some reason had not been affected by John's powers. "Would anyone like some Yantrellian goat's cheese? I found it in the fridge." Noticing Josie's wary look, he replied, "It's perfectly fresh. It's only been in there for a mere 307 years. No time at all really."
"Maybe you should give it to Neelix," croaked John.
Meanwhile, over in the train station everyone was very glum, aoart from Q who was just jealous. Geordi, who had been silent for quite a while, suddenl piped up. "I've been thinking, and all this stuff just seems too wierd to be true. I think we must be on some kind of holodeck." No sooner had he spoken than the station around them started to flicker, everyone (including Josie, John, the Doctor, Romana and K9 who had been in the TARDIS) found themselves in a vast holo-chamber. The doors at the far end opened and who should walk in but Sloane....
"Hi everybody" said Sloane. "Hi secret agent man Sloane" said everybody. "Welcome to the Convergence Centre of Sci-Fi-ness. This was your introduction. We had to make sure you were ready, and since you even knew that you had to have a 'shipper ep, you are ready" said Sloane. "
"Yes, indeed they are. I have been watching from within. I usually do not like these types of tests, but this time it was fun." Giles said."But, Giles, you...watcher!" said Xander.
"Hi, we are the Gaurdians, and Section 31, and the FBI" said the Slayer Guardian."There is a problem: Trite sitcoms are making a comeback, that and bad reality shows.. And we need to make The Ultimate Sci-Fi Show. Welcome. You are the Chosen Ones:BTVS, DS9, NextGen, and the rest."
"But," Picard pointed out, "everytime we all get together, absolute mayhem occurs! There's even less of a coherent plot than in a standard Enterprise episode!"
"True," said the Slayer Guardian. "But then that's not really our fault, is it?" At this, he turned a pointed glance at the forumgoers.
A muted shriek was heard far-off, and suddenly enormous rock-like cookies began raining down on the crew, courtesy of annoyed forumgoers who didn't like their story-telling skills being insulted.
"Now look what you've done!" howled Quark-Snyder and an extremely large rock cookie bounced off his head.
The cookies were still falling, but Willow had stopped them from hurting anyone but Quark Snyder."They are ones bugging us! And calling me a "he" " said the female Slayer Gaurdian, since all guardians are female. "Some dont know enough about Buffy, some dont know enough about the Dr WHO (they think its World Health Org.) the and Cybermen." Ben, Kira, Jadzi, Kai Wen, Ezri and Bashir, Rom, Odo, Jake, O'Brien, Gul Dukat, Weyoun/Brunt, Female Shapeshifter, Leeta, Kassidy, Molly, Garak, Damar, and the rest laughed. "Well, they all know about US!" said Jake. "And it's my turn for a plot!" Jake then realized something."I am The Kid of the Emissary. I can save the Convergense. I am a writer. I can write us a plot! I am more talented than the forumgoers!" So he did.
Meanwhile, since it was Wednesday, O'Pipp walked up and slew an Alternate Universe Jonas who had appeared out of thin air for precisely that purpose.
Jake sighed. "There goes our PG rating," he said.
"I WANT MY SPOONS!" one of the Doctors suddenly shouted.
"There is no spoon!" Neo retorted.
"See?!?!" howled Picard. "There it goes again! THEY are the enemy! They must be stopped!
Jake produced a magic typewriter from nowhere and started typing rapidly. "This should help!" he said. "Maybe we'll have more of a coherent storyline now."
"What are you doing?" Quark Snyder asked him.
"I'm plotting our escape. Shh! I need to think!"
Just when he started to give up on a brilliant plan, an idea hit him like a ton of spoons, literally. "Where did these spoons come from?" asked Jake. "You wanted to escape, right?" asked Quark Snyder. "I thought we had no spoons in the kitchen" said Neo, who had a confused look on his face. "I also thought I was dead in the first scene of this story" continued Neo. "Well, we needed to bring you back into the plot for legal reasons, "said Jake. "Well, then can I be someone who can fly really fast and can dodge pies?" asked Neo. "There is only room for one superhero around here," said John, who had just woke up from a long nap and was holding a pizza. "Fine, I will settle for the hacker," said Neo.
Tara gave Neo a magical computer, he shut up. Jake was happy. He finally had a plot-where he could right the plot! *Jake's writing the plot now*
Anya suddenly had very strong attraction to Jake. The spoons stop falling, and there was a large sound. Kai Win was hitting Dukat on the head. "I came back from hell for THIS?" said Dukat. "I was in heaaaaaavvvvveeeeennn, and my friends pulled my out to this hell. But I get to pump Spike." said Buffy. Quark Snyder said "Hu-man, you do not even talk about PDA when I'm around! Tell me more" And Jake had a plot!"That's it!" he said, "Look at Quark Snyder. How come he's both here? He is the Convergence Ideal. He can lead us to coherent plot!" Sloane and Gaurdians were pleased. They had run out of ideas. The forumgoers where also pleased.
"Let's throw Jake a party!" exclaimed 17 in delight.
"Wait!" yelled NAH. "You're not supposed to be writing us into the story!"
"I'm... not?" 17 looked confused. "But it's Friday." All the assorted peoples who had been in the story up till then turned and gave the forumgoers a strange look. "Now, how am I supposed to write THIS into the story?" yellled Jake.
"17! What have you done!" wailed Opium, as orange-flavoured cookies started raining on the scene.
"17, portraying me as yelling isnt going to improve what I do to you!" continued Opium. And suddenly, 17 had a horrible, throbbing desire to be Quark Snyder's wife. Sisko married them. Jake was pleased. "Good, now we can have a shipper ep" he said. Tara and Willow had a picnic, but Xander watched from behind a tree while he had picnic with Jake and Anya, who was staring at Spike and Buffy doing it inside Sloane's office. Crusher and Picard ate crousants and coffee with Ezri/Bashir and Odo/Kira. Everything was peachy keen. "There's always something bad in Shipper ep" said Giles. And suddenly Sloane was boinked in the head with a pie. Chris Carter walked in. "That's for not including XFiles in the Ultimate Scifi series". "Time to kick some Carter butt, let's get dirty" said Buffy. "Now THIS is a party" said Jake.
Neo agreed, but added, "Still, we're missing something...Oh, I know what it is."
"What?" Jake wanted to know.
"Can't say," Neo apologized. "This is Saturday, and the two haven't been mentioned recently. Let's just say it rhymes with BonC."
Josie, John, K9, Romana, and six of the Doctors copied Beverly Crusher's trick from a short time ago by just looking quizzically at the speaker.
Jake decided he needed to write a filler scene, so he wrote about the fight. Christ Carter tried wimply to fight Buffy, but he just could not fight her. Xander and Spike joined in, and finally Picard gave the order to "Fire at Chris at Will." Carter was subdued, Crusher treated him, and he was taken to the Paramount Wacky Science Research Hospital to rest. Anya wasn't impressed by Xander, and she stayed with Jake, so Xander went all Spike-y on Jake. But Bashir seperated the two, and Ezri counselled them on how not to fight. Quark Snyder said, "Now now hu-mans, fighting wont get you anywhere unless it's on Pay-Per-View." Slayer Gaurdian, who was about to lose her spot, said, "Quark Snyder, why do you keep getting pointless little lines everywhere?" "Because" Opium said. That was a satisfactory answer.
Taya gave Jake some ideas for his story, including characters he could use, like Zeke, Kira, Sax, NAHTMMM, and NeoMatrix. "NeoMatrix? We already have Neo, "said Jake. "He is the Neo in the Matrix. You understand now?" asked Tara. "Oh ok," said Jake.
Opium decided it was time to start a subplot. She wanted to go on a quest, a quest to seek the holy pie. This was the only pie that was not destroyed by the Piealith, but was lost and never seen again.
"Hey, Neo, I'm a GIRL. GRRRL!" said Opium. Spike, who Opium likes, suddenly attacked Neomatrix, since he isnt human. Opium found the pie, John was eating it, and she served it at the picnic. Meanwhile, Quark Snyder, Anya, Kai Win, Dukat, Q, Wesley, and Goldmember got together to plan an evil plan. Sloane and the Gaurdians, however, stopped them, or so they thought. Jake said,"No no NO what's happening to my plot?" Sisko said, "Jake, I am your father" "I know that, dad". But then Jake realized, he was having a Prophet moment. "The son of the One must have a bun" said Prophet Riker. "The Son of the One must write a pun" said Prophet Trio. "The Son of the One must be able to run" said Prophet Worf. Jake took this newfound knowledge back with him, and began to write the plot for the Convergence.
Jake, fresh from his orb experience, propped up his typewriter between his knees and began to type. He knew he had to work fast, because the situation around him was rapidly dissolving into chaos-dissolved-in-hydrochloric acid. While most of the characters were having a raving party to the sounds of the Velvet Underground, 17 was chasing Opium around with a pointy stick for marrying her off to Quark Snyder.
Jake put a bun between his teeth and chewed. How should he start? Ah, yes, the classic.
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, an attorney appeared on the horizon....
Then, the sun disappeared behind thick dark clouds. It began to rain heavily and the wind was so strong, everybody had to tie themselves to trees not to be blown away.
Jake, who was not affected by the story and just sat there, typing, saw a small man in a black suit at the horizon. He smiled. "It's working," he cheered, and typed on.
Jake went on:
The rain died down a bit, so people could release themselves from the trees. The lawyer in the suit came up to talk to Jake. "Jake, I believe that you were kidnapped. Your life has been taken away so can write a story that you are in, so that the Convergence Show can work, so sci-fi can make a comeback. I can help you. I can get your life back." Sloane then ran in into the picnic area. "No, that's Jack McCoy from Law and Order" yelled Sloane, "He's trying to..." Jake interupted. "I brought him the story, to bring interest, and to sue your butt off". The story continued. Sloane was hit by lighting. The Lawyer said, " Sloane, I am going to sue you, but after that, I am going to sue Jake for writing you getting struck by lighting."
"But he was ennoying" Jake argued. "That's no excuse" answered McCoy. "Oh, never mind" mumbled Jake, "I'll make you forget when this is over." "What was that?"
At that moment, a shuttle came into view, and landed on the surface. "Who is that?" Quark Snyder asked. "I don't know" said Jake, "I didn't write that."
"Damn," said Crighton, stepping from the shuttle. "Why is it wormholes are so badly signposted? I keep getting lost."
"Hah. You don't need to tell me that," said Sisko.
"The Convergence seems to be getting worse," commented the Doctor. "All we need now is the Battlestar Galactica to show up and we'd practically have the entre set."
"You know, it's funny you should say that...." said the Smoking Man, pointing to the sky. Everyone looked up just in time to see the Galactica hove into view in orbit above them.
"Great!" yealled PHJ who had appeared from inside the TARDIS. "And they've brought the Cylons with them! This just get better and better!"
"You know, the fact that it's AU Week might have something to do with this" hypothesised MirrorKira.
"I haven't been typing any of this either!" said Jake. "What's going on?"
"I'm sorry Jake" said Opium, "it's these other, non-poppyseed loving forumgoers. But here, my friend LongForgotten is offering cookies. You are her favorite DS9, and now The Convergence character, since you write and stuff." Longforgotten gave some special cookies to Jake, some "grassy" cookies that made him veeeeeeerrrrrrrrryyyyy happy. He started to write with his eyes closed, as he now could override the forumgoers:
The Convergence could see the light and purple elephants and the pink zebras. Q and LF started to date. Crusher and Picard got married. Ezri and Bashir made out, and LF objected and yelled, "Ezri, you whine too much!" Ezri gave LF a councilling session, and LF started to not mind Ezri, and even gave her some lipbalm so Ezri could kiss Bashir more. LF went and left everyone alone so we could get on with the story.
Jake was getting bored of having no forumgoers helping him write. "Please help me" he said.
"So you call yourself a writer?" said Catalina as she stepped from behind a tree, "Wat kind of writer are you if you can't write without help?"
"I... just have... no inspriration right now. Yes. But the story must go on, so please help me."
"Alright then. I'll give you... a vision." "Your story is too perky and happy. You've got to write some tragedy into it. You've got to write some death."
"Er, right," said Jake hesitantly. "I'll keep that in mind."
"You know," said Crichton, "I don't see how that's going to help us get out of this story."
"Well," 17 pointed out reasonably, "if you're dead you wouldn't be in the story any more, would you? Besides, it makes a better read."
The forumgoers smiled at Jake. He sighed, and set his hands down on the typewriter again...
Jake just sat there staring at the blank page in his typewriter. "Uh oh, I think I have writer's block," said Jake. NeoMatrix came by and said, "You need a hero and a villain, plus someone who needs to be rescued. Think of a good plot and setting, then the story will fall into place." "Thanks alot," said Jake cheerfully.
"Thanks alot" he repeated, more sarcastically this time. "Allright then, how shall I call the hero?"
"Call him Julian!" Bashir interupted his line of thoughts.
"Riiiiight..." Jake answered, "I thought it had to be a little realistic."
"Then call the one who needs to be rescued Ezri, and the bad guy Sloan." Bashir continued.
"Hey!" Obviously, Sloan did not agree.
"Well, *I* am the writer here," Jake pointed out, "so I get to decide who is the good guy, who is the bad guy, and most importantly, who gets to die. Catalina said I had to write more death into my story." He flexed his fingers. "Right then, that part should be easy enough, and I'll start with it." His fingers started flying over the typewriter keyboard.
Suddenly a large marble pillar appeared out of nowhere and fell on Crichton's head.
"Oh my god," exclaimed Sloane, "you killed John, you bas--"
Another large marble pillar appeared out of nowhere and fell on Sloane's head.
Jake grinned. "This could get fun." He continued typing.
A white horse burst forth onto the scene. It's rider, an extremely tall, thin fellow, disembarked.
ER, he said. THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBLEM.
"Hi, I'm Legolas" said Legolas. Jake explained: "Opium thinks Legolas is hot, and Julian's ego is too big...we needed something to tone it down with hotness". Bashir launched himself at Legolas. Legolas gave him a big hug. Then, slowly, he bent down, and looked at John and Sloane. "I can save these two. I need a powerful witch or two" Tara and Willow both raised their hands. "Good" said Legolas.*Jake wasnt really interested in the whole magic thing,or Legolas, but he liked the "magic=sex theme" from BTVS* Tara and Willow began the spell, and Legolas helped. The all started to get hot and chant. Willow got all black-eyed and scary, and *somehow* Quark Snyder got a million zits, but then Legolas got up. "The spell has worked." he said. Xander interupted, "Something bad always happens after an anti-death spell" "Another problem?" said Bashir
"Problems are good," said Jake, "It makes the story interesting."
"But this might be a problem you can't handle," Bashir answered.
"I'm the DM, I can handle anything." Jake said.
A silence followed, in which all looked at Catalina.
"Sorry," said Catalina, "I'm playing d&d, and I just couldn't restist."
Jake sighed. Everytime he got a story under control, it always seemed to take a life of it's own and start running away as if the Legions of Death were on it's tail (metaphorically speaking, that is).
"Why does this always happen to me?" he howled, as a bright flash enveloped them for no reason other than someone other than Jake wanted it to happen.
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Anya, "And you must marry Anya by sundown"
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Ezri, "You are the new sheriff. You write Blazing Sadles in the sun."
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Quark Snyder, "You must learn everything by tomorow morning, or you will lose the capital earnings potential on you project".
Jake was confused, "So now I am bringing in a 20th century Mel Brooks comedy? Why?"
"The Sisko Kid talks too much" said Prophet Picard. Jake was back in the Convergence. Legolas rushed to his side. "Jake, you are the chosen one, but I'm still prettiest." Xander built a movie screen, and everyone watched Blazing Sadles. Jake knew what he must do. The prophets were nuts.
"Therefore," he proclaimed happily, "I must restore order by erasing everything that has occurred in this story so far and start anew!"
"And just how are you going to do that?" asked Ezri.
"Er.... well." Jake was stumped. "I haven't thought of that bit yet..."
Well, the simple way was to burn everything. And that is what was done. Everyone was happy. They all went outside to play. They had a great time.
Jake was sad. His story was going out of control. "Again, you are LEAVING ME! Well, NO MORE!" he said. So he got the Nerd Trio from Buffy to help him.
"Sorry, but I'm out of the game. Xander reformed me. I love his...carpentry" said Andrew.
"Hey, I was just in it because it was something to do until I got into Oxford.Bye now" said Jonathan, and he left.
"I'm in. I'm evil. I'm the big evil powerful superman" said Warren, "I can fight any problem. I can *Willow and Tara come in holding hands* HEY, I KNOW you just are waiting for me, because... OWOWOW" Everyone had gotten bored of Warren, and carried him out while hitting him with frisbees. Odo put him in jail. Jake was mildly entertained.
*end of commercial break*
Hmmm, where did everyone go? Looks like everyone went on vacation. Well, they deserve it. Writing a story is no easy task. So who was left in charge in case a emergency came up? Oh no, looks like we are doomed? They left Janeway in charge.
Janeway blinked. "I was left in charge? What? How come nobody ever tells me these things?"
Jake rubbed his chin. "Well, it could have been worse. They could have left the story in the hands of The Doctor..."
17 rolled her eyes in annoyance and stuck a pistol in Jake's back. "Enough talk, start writing the story! The typewriter is THERE for a reason..."
Jake scowled. "I've got writer's block!"
"Then this should help you!" A bright flash of light, and suddenly tribbles populated the area where 17 once stood.
Jake gulped. "I've got a bad feeling about this...."
Jake shakily started to write. "Okay, tribbles are breeding maniacs. Hmmm, maybe Tara and Willow could start a magic spay/neuter program." Jake said to the forumgoers. "No, that would be too easy" said Opium. Xander came in. "Sorry, but Tara and Willow are out making magic of their own. I tried to watch but..."he showed everyone the big bruise on bum. But, oddly, the Tribbles seemed to stop breeding and pay extra attention to Xander's magic comment. "Hey, that's it!" said Jake, "The Tribbles like slash so much they stop doin' it to hear more! Everyone has to do some Slash!" He started writing quickly. Andrew's admiration of Xander ran Xander over...literally...and Bashir and Legolas started, um, being close. The Tribbles were mezmerized. Tara and Willow brought in a camara and started taking some SLASH photography...
However, they forgot about the dangers of flashing mezmerized tribbles. It was too late. Once the first flashed took place, there were drunk tribbles everywhere. You do not want to be around drunk tribbles. The good news that 17 reappeared, however, she started multiplying. Before long, there were 17 17's running around. 1 of 17 ran over and took the camera away from Tara and showed them the warning lable on the back of the camera, which read, "Warning, Flash will cause harm to Tribbles and Grimlins. Danger: Do not operate camera within 100 feet of any weird anomolies that has caused a person to disappear." "See what you have done?" 1 of 17 said. "I must now compete against 17 other 17's to be the most beautiful 17. You know how bad this is going to be on my reputation? What if a handsome man decides to pick 5 of 17 over me?"
Jake gulped. Now he didn't have just one 17 to contend with, he had 17!
"This isn't good," he muttered. "I have to recombine them... perhaps using 29th century technology...." And he started typing furiously.
Jake wrote yet another magic scene for Tara and Willow, and quickly there were only two 17's.
"But which one the REAL 17?" asked Picard, randomly coming back from a long hiatus.
"Hmm, we must see who she loves. Quark his your husband, 17, is he not?" said a smirking Odo.
"Oh, yes, and I loooove him so much that I..." *zap*. Now there was just 17, but strangly, oddly, 16 new Jakes appeared.
"Xander" said Willow, "Did you use some of the Marinus Jainus for personal use?" XAnder nodded. Now there were all those Jakes, all typing, typing, typing, as they had each come complete with magical typewriters and their own batteries.
The forumgoers gulped. "I can only forsee a massive tangle of 16 different storylines churned out by 16 different Jakes," said 17 faintly.
Jake 1 grinned maniacally and started writing random Harry Potter characters into the story.
Suddenly, Drizzt appeared out of thin air.
"Who's responsible for this one?" Ezri asked. Jake 4 stuck up one hand, going on with the other.
Max came flying over on her bike, landing after a high and far jump, and almost run over Drizzt, who jumped aside just in time.
But then, Xander, Willow, and Tara, along with Bashir and Ezri, started to dance "The Lumbada-it makes sex look like church!" from that show about a certian yellow-skinned, nuclear-loving (and hating) family.
"Okay, which Jake did that" asked the weirded out forumgoers.
All the Jake's raised their hands.
"Doh!" said Bashir.
"Dont have a cow, forumgoers" said Xander."It's a fun dance-you just kinda do a thingy and then some stuff and then cha-cha-VOOM!"
The relentless clicking of typewriters continued. Story threads twined, clashed and got themselves caught into massive balls of tangle. Which, to be honest, isn't that much of a departure from the storyline here so far. But I digress.
"Something MUST be done about the chaos!" exclaimed Janeway. "And since nobody else seems to be sane enough to do the right thing, I will!" And she picked up her compression phaser rifle and started shooting random Jakes.
"But wait, how will you know which one is the REAL Jake?" Xander asked her.
"Does it matter?" asked Janeway, blasting Jake 7 into oblivion.
"Yes! Only the REAL Jake can help us eradicate this mess!"
Janeway sighed. "Which one of you is the real Jake?" she asked, quite annoyed.
All Jakes stuck up their hands.
"That helped," she said, and started shooting Jakes again.
"Wait!" Willow stopped her, "Is there is one real Jake, wouldn't he logically be numbered 1?"
"I guess that does make sense" Janeway answered. She walked toward Jake 1 and took him by his collar. "Are you the real Jake?"
"Yes"
"That settles it than" she said, while she fired at Jake 12.
"Hold that thought" Bashir went over to Jake 16 and said: "Are you the real Jake?"
"Yes"
"See?" Bashir told Janeway.
Bashir counted on his fingers, "There are only nine Jakes left. That makes our job easier."
"But what if the real Jake is already dead?" Xander wanted to know.
"He can't be," Bashir said smugly. "Then we would be doomed. That isn't allowed to happen."
"That settles it, then," Janeway said with satisfaction, as she raised her phaser rifle and prepared to blast eight more Jakes at random.
"Wait! Wait! Er, I'm not sure the rule would hold now that we all have had a chance to let the reader know how doomed we'd be if we shot the wrong Jake," Bashir protested.
Meanwhile, the remaining Jakes were typing busily.
"Then what do we do now?" Janeway demanded.
"Hold a 'Survivor' contest!" Anya shouted.
"Give them all a quiz," suggested Ezri, who, due to loneliness from being one of only about three Starfleeters mentioned within the past ten posts, had taken to watching The Holy Grail over and over again.
Just as Ezri said this, there was some strange sounds that made all remaining Jakes, Bashir, and Xander veeerrryyy happy. All the Jakes were restored.
"Oooo, 17 Jakes again!" said Anya,"how did Willow and Tara knew that that was what I wished for?"
"That was MY wish too, Anya" said Andrew, who needs an obligotory sexually ambigous comment in every ep."But why?"
"Because Jake 1 was over there a second ago" said Tara, pointing, "but next time Jake 1 was the one with purple typewriter, over there"
"So we need all the Jakes back for the Survivor series" said Willow.
"Couldnt you just do some magic?" asked 17.
"yes, but who doesnt want to watch 17 hot, sweaty Jakes run on logs?" said Willow.
Janeway then interupted by saying, "Lets she who survives my phaser cannon of DOOM." Janeway started firing at random, losing control of the cannon. The train station was destroyed again thanks to Janeway. Josie popped out of nowhere and saw the train station, then cried. One of the randon out of control shots was heading towards Josie. Just as the blast was about to hit Josie, he performed a matrix-move and ducked out of the way of the blast. "You are one fast cow," noted Janeway. Janeway finally was able to stop the cannon. Then all 17 Jakes went to work on the trainstation. However, they were to build 17 stations. The first one to finish was the winner of the survivor game. "This will improve transport time between dimensions," said Josie.
Quark Snyder came back from the Shire. He was surprised to see 17 Jake's. Legolas Turner was with him, in elven leggings, pirate shirt and very,very cool hair. Everyone gathered around Legolas Turner, nearly crushing Quark Snyder. The 17 Jakes started to write.
And quickly, all at the same time, 17 new trainstations were built. Then some theme music came over the crowd. Jack Sparrow jumped off from on of the platforms.
"Wow, 20 guys, a few pretty girls." Jack Sparrow said.
"Sir, we are not just pretty girls, we are powerful, educucated witches" said Willow
"I like strong women...and you there, why are you looking so hot'n huffy?"asked Sparrow
Xander just shifted his gaze...
and it fell upon the figure of Nanny Ogg.
Nancy walks up to Xander, slaps him, zaps him, then dissapears. He falls to the ground and faints. When Xander wakes up, he notices that something was a little different about him. He runs to look at himself in a mirror only to get the shock of his life. Nancy had turned him into a female.
Then, Willow walked towards him. "Hey pretty girl!"
"Willow... It's me, Xander!" Xander answered.
"I know. Did you know I always had a crush on you? That is, until Tara opened my eyes..."
"But now, Xander, you're a girl and, well, Tara is in love with AUEzri, who loves her back. So...wanna be lovers and marry and be happy?" asked Willow
"YESYESYESYESYESYESYES" said Xander."I love you."
Everyone, including Tara and AUEzri, and all 17 Jakes, smiled.
"About time" said Anya "now I can be happy with Quark Snyder and not worry about you two".
At this, Taya17 protested. "But Quarky Snyder, You're my lovely dovey"
Everyone laughed. All the Jakes were happy. They had finally made many, many shippers happy, and even added some very odd slash.
"Let's PARTY!" said Jake 3,2, and 8. And of course...
17 THWAPPED Opium over the head for the gratuitous Quark/17 mush in the previous contribution.
So Jake 9 and 14 arranged a band, while Jake 16 took care of the lights and snacks.
Then, Angel came in. "Hi, guys! How's it going?"
Everyone was surprised, except Jake 5, who was typing with a big smile on his face.
Thankfully, Willow was used to turning rodents back into people. So she did. But John was still nowhere in sight. Q tried to find him, but then he realized he was stuck in the convergence and could only do little magic tricks. Willow and Xander did an sexually suggestive locator spell, and they found the whole DS9 crew. "Hello Ben, Kira, Jadzia(nice to see you back from the dead) Kai Wen,(ditto) Ezri and Bashir, Rom, Odo, Jake, O'Brien, Gul Dukat, Weyoun/Brunt, Female Shapeshifter, Leeta, Kassidy, Molly, Garak, Damar, and the rest. I'm Quark Snyder, and welcome to The Sci- Fi Convergence."said Quark Snyder.
"Yes, but where is John? I want John! He's beefy" said Josie. And suddenly, 99redluftballoons went by.
The balloons all exploded suddenly, leaving everyone with ringing ears. Rom started screaming hysterically and had to be clubbed into silence by the rest of the DS9 crew.
"The situation is getting worse and worse!" wailed Josie. "SOMETHING must be done!"
Willow then dispatched the Borg ships, though still could not find John. "Maybe he wondered into the TARDIS and got lost?" mused the Doctor. "It wouldn't be the first time you know. I'll send K9 off to search for him". Joise looked thoughtful for a moment, then exclaimed suddenly, "The pies!". Everyone hurried to finish the pies, and the 47th came out of the oven just as the Piealith was visible hoving into view in orbit above them. It glowed brightly for a moment, then spun faster and faster until it eventually exploded and showered the whole world with bits of custard. "Well," said Picard, "that's that out of the way at least."
"Hold it" said Ezri, taking a break from Bashir, "But um, there's another, bigger, scarier Piealith coming our way! Look!"
*smoochies*"Wow, you're right" said Crusher. *Picard/Crusher smoochies*"Maybe this is another Apocolypse" said Spike,with really good sunscreen *Scoobies smoochies* "Puny hu-man students. The River of Homework will take of us" *Quark Snyder doesnt get any smoochies*
John walked in. Josie cheered for joy.
"Our only hope, the one who is powerful enough to cause the Convergence and the Piealith, and stop all this stuff, too" said Q.
John looked around."What? I just went for some pizza"
"What the hell does this have to do with the plot?" Josie said.
"I don't think there even is a plot," Xander said. "It would explain a lot."
"Oh, sod off," the author used Spike to say.
So John used his powers to destroy the Piealith while eating his pizza. Josie said, "That was a cool trick." John also sent everyone back to the places where they belonged with his last ounce of energy. However, he sent everyone to the wrong place, the train station. "Why are we back here again?" asked Odo. Meanwhile back whereever they were, Josie tended to John, who didnt look well. "Josie, you must find the others. I think they are lost in time." exclaimed John with his last breathe.
"That sounds more like my department", said the Doctor emerging from the TARDIS which for some reason had not been affected by John's powers. "Would anyone like some Yantrellian goat's cheese? I found it in the fridge." Noticing Josie's wary look, he replied, "It's perfectly fresh. It's only been in there for a mere 307 years. No time at all really."
"Maybe you should give it to Neelix," croaked John.
Meanwhile, over in the train station everyone was very glum, aoart from Q who was just jealous. Geordi, who had been silent for quite a while, suddenl piped up. "I've been thinking, and all this stuff just seems too wierd to be true. I think we must be on some kind of holodeck." No sooner had he spoken than the station around them started to flicker, everyone (including Josie, John, the Doctor, Romana and K9 who had been in the TARDIS) found themselves in a vast holo-chamber. The doors at the far end opened and who should walk in but Sloane....
"Hi everybody" said Sloane. "Hi secret agent man Sloane" said everybody. "Welcome to the Convergence Centre of Sci-Fi-ness. This was your introduction. We had to make sure you were ready, and since you even knew that you had to have a 'shipper ep, you are ready" said Sloane. "
"Yes, indeed they are. I have been watching from within. I usually do not like these types of tests, but this time it was fun." Giles said."But, Giles, you...watcher!" said Xander.
"Hi, we are the Gaurdians, and Section 31, and the FBI" said the Slayer Guardian."There is a problem: Trite sitcoms are making a comeback, that and bad reality shows.. And we need to make The Ultimate Sci-Fi Show. Welcome. You are the Chosen Ones:BTVS, DS9, NextGen, and the rest."
"But," Picard pointed out, "everytime we all get together, absolute mayhem occurs! There's even less of a coherent plot than in a standard Enterprise episode!"
"True," said the Slayer Guardian. "But then that's not really our fault, is it?" At this, he turned a pointed glance at the forumgoers.
A muted shriek was heard far-off, and suddenly enormous rock-like cookies began raining down on the crew, courtesy of annoyed forumgoers who didn't like their story-telling skills being insulted.
"Now look what you've done!" howled Quark-Snyder and an extremely large rock cookie bounced off his head.
The cookies were still falling, but Willow had stopped them from hurting anyone but Quark Snyder."They are ones bugging us! And calling me a "he" " said the female Slayer Gaurdian, since all guardians are female. "Some dont know enough about Buffy, some dont know enough about the Dr WHO (they think its World Health Org.) the and Cybermen." Ben, Kira, Jadzi, Kai Wen, Ezri and Bashir, Rom, Odo, Jake, O'Brien, Gul Dukat, Weyoun/Brunt, Female Shapeshifter, Leeta, Kassidy, Molly, Garak, Damar, and the rest laughed. "Well, they all know about US!" said Jake. "And it's my turn for a plot!" Jake then realized something."I am The Kid of the Emissary. I can save the Convergense. I am a writer. I can write us a plot! I am more talented than the forumgoers!" So he did.
Meanwhile, since it was Wednesday, O'Pipp walked up and slew an Alternate Universe Jonas who had appeared out of thin air for precisely that purpose.
Jake sighed. "There goes our PG rating," he said.
"I WANT MY SPOONS!" one of the Doctors suddenly shouted.
"There is no spoon!" Neo retorted.
"See?!?!" howled Picard. "There it goes again! THEY are the enemy! They must be stopped!
Jake produced a magic typewriter from nowhere and started typing rapidly. "This should help!" he said. "Maybe we'll have more of a coherent storyline now."
"What are you doing?" Quark Snyder asked him.
"I'm plotting our escape. Shh! I need to think!"
Just when he started to give up on a brilliant plan, an idea hit him like a ton of spoons, literally. "Where did these spoons come from?" asked Jake. "You wanted to escape, right?" asked Quark Snyder. "I thought we had no spoons in the kitchen" said Neo, who had a confused look on his face. "I also thought I was dead in the first scene of this story" continued Neo. "Well, we needed to bring you back into the plot for legal reasons, "said Jake. "Well, then can I be someone who can fly really fast and can dodge pies?" asked Neo. "There is only room for one superhero around here," said John, who had just woke up from a long nap and was holding a pizza. "Fine, I will settle for the hacker," said Neo.
Tara gave Neo a magical computer, he shut up. Jake was happy. He finally had a plot-where he could right the plot! *Jake's writing the plot now*
Anya suddenly had very strong attraction to Jake. The spoons stop falling, and there was a large sound. Kai Win was hitting Dukat on the head. "I came back from hell for THIS?" said Dukat. "I was in heaaaaaavvvvveeeeennn, and my friends pulled my out to this hell. But I get to pump Spike." said Buffy. Quark Snyder said "Hu-man, you do not even talk about PDA when I'm around! Tell me more" And Jake had a plot!"That's it!" he said, "Look at Quark Snyder. How come he's both here? He is the Convergence Ideal. He can lead us to coherent plot!" Sloane and Gaurdians were pleased. They had run out of ideas. The forumgoers where also pleased.
"Let's throw Jake a party!" exclaimed 17 in delight.
"Wait!" yelled NAH. "You're not supposed to be writing us into the story!"
"I'm... not?" 17 looked confused. "But it's Friday." All the assorted peoples who had been in the story up till then turned and gave the forumgoers a strange look. "Now, how am I supposed to write THIS into the story?" yellled Jake.
"17! What have you done!" wailed Opium, as orange-flavoured cookies started raining on the scene.
"17, portraying me as yelling isnt going to improve what I do to you!" continued Opium. And suddenly, 17 had a horrible, throbbing desire to be Quark Snyder's wife. Sisko married them. Jake was pleased. "Good, now we can have a shipper ep" he said. Tara and Willow had a picnic, but Xander watched from behind a tree while he had picnic with Jake and Anya, who was staring at Spike and Buffy doing it inside Sloane's office. Crusher and Picard ate crousants and coffee with Ezri/Bashir and Odo/Kira. Everything was peachy keen. "There's always something bad in Shipper ep" said Giles. And suddenly Sloane was boinked in the head with a pie. Chris Carter walked in. "That's for not including XFiles in the Ultimate Scifi series". "Time to kick some Carter butt, let's get dirty" said Buffy. "Now THIS is a party" said Jake.
Neo agreed, but added, "Still, we're missing something...Oh, I know what it is."
"What?" Jake wanted to know.
"Can't say," Neo apologized. "This is Saturday, and the two haven't been mentioned recently. Let's just say it rhymes with BonC."
Josie, John, K9, Romana, and six of the Doctors copied Beverly Crusher's trick from a short time ago by just looking quizzically at the speaker.
Jake decided he needed to write a filler scene, so he wrote about the fight. Christ Carter tried wimply to fight Buffy, but he just could not fight her. Xander and Spike joined in, and finally Picard gave the order to "Fire at Chris at Will." Carter was subdued, Crusher treated him, and he was taken to the Paramount Wacky Science Research Hospital to rest. Anya wasn't impressed by Xander, and she stayed with Jake, so Xander went all Spike-y on Jake. But Bashir seperated the two, and Ezri counselled them on how not to fight. Quark Snyder said, "Now now hu-mans, fighting wont get you anywhere unless it's on Pay-Per-View." Slayer Gaurdian, who was about to lose her spot, said, "Quark Snyder, why do you keep getting pointless little lines everywhere?" "Because" Opium said. That was a satisfactory answer.
Taya gave Jake some ideas for his story, including characters he could use, like Zeke, Kira, Sax, NAHTMMM, and NeoMatrix. "NeoMatrix? We already have Neo, "said Jake. "He is the Neo in the Matrix. You understand now?" asked Tara. "Oh ok," said Jake.
Opium decided it was time to start a subplot. She wanted to go on a quest, a quest to seek the holy pie. This was the only pie that was not destroyed by the Piealith, but was lost and never seen again.
"Hey, Neo, I'm a GIRL. GRRRL!" said Opium. Spike, who Opium likes, suddenly attacked Neomatrix, since he isnt human. Opium found the pie, John was eating it, and she served it at the picnic. Meanwhile, Quark Snyder, Anya, Kai Win, Dukat, Q, Wesley, and Goldmember got together to plan an evil plan. Sloane and the Gaurdians, however, stopped them, or so they thought. Jake said,"No no NO what's happening to my plot?" Sisko said, "Jake, I am your father" "I know that, dad". But then Jake realized, he was having a Prophet moment. "The son of the One must have a bun" said Prophet Riker. "The Son of the One must write a pun" said Prophet Trio. "The Son of the One must be able to run" said Prophet Worf. Jake took this newfound knowledge back with him, and began to write the plot for the Convergence.
Jake, fresh from his orb experience, propped up his typewriter between his knees and began to type. He knew he had to work fast, because the situation around him was rapidly dissolving into chaos-dissolved-in-hydrochloric acid. While most of the characters were having a raving party to the sounds of the Velvet Underground, 17 was chasing Opium around with a pointy stick for marrying her off to Quark Snyder.
Jake put a bun between his teeth and chewed. How should he start? Ah, yes, the classic.
It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, an attorney appeared on the horizon....
Then, the sun disappeared behind thick dark clouds. It began to rain heavily and the wind was so strong, everybody had to tie themselves to trees not to be blown away.
Jake, who was not affected by the story and just sat there, typing, saw a small man in a black suit at the horizon. He smiled. "It's working," he cheered, and typed on.
Jake went on:
The rain died down a bit, so people could release themselves from the trees. The lawyer in the suit came up to talk to Jake. "Jake, I believe that you were kidnapped. Your life has been taken away so can write a story that you are in, so that the Convergence Show can work, so sci-fi can make a comeback. I can help you. I can get your life back." Sloane then ran in into the picnic area. "No, that's Jack McCoy from Law and Order" yelled Sloane, "He's trying to..." Jake interupted. "I brought him the story, to bring interest, and to sue your butt off". The story continued. Sloane was hit by lighting. The Lawyer said, " Sloane, I am going to sue you, but after that, I am going to sue Jake for writing you getting struck by lighting."
"But he was ennoying" Jake argued. "That's no excuse" answered McCoy. "Oh, never mind" mumbled Jake, "I'll make you forget when this is over." "What was that?"
At that moment, a shuttle came into view, and landed on the surface. "Who is that?" Quark Snyder asked. "I don't know" said Jake, "I didn't write that."
"Damn," said Crighton, stepping from the shuttle. "Why is it wormholes are so badly signposted? I keep getting lost."
"Hah. You don't need to tell me that," said Sisko.
"The Convergence seems to be getting worse," commented the Doctor. "All we need now is the Battlestar Galactica to show up and we'd practically have the entre set."
"You know, it's funny you should say that...." said the Smoking Man, pointing to the sky. Everyone looked up just in time to see the Galactica hove into view in orbit above them.
"Great!" yealled PHJ who had appeared from inside the TARDIS. "And they've brought the Cylons with them! This just get better and better!"
"You know, the fact that it's AU Week might have something to do with this" hypothesised MirrorKira.
"I haven't been typing any of this either!" said Jake. "What's going on?"
"I'm sorry Jake" said Opium, "it's these other, non-poppyseed loving forumgoers. But here, my friend LongForgotten is offering cookies. You are her favorite DS9, and now The Convergence character, since you write and stuff." Longforgotten gave some special cookies to Jake, some "grassy" cookies that made him veeeeeeerrrrrrrrryyyyy happy. He started to write with his eyes closed, as he now could override the forumgoers:
The Convergence could see the light and purple elephants and the pink zebras. Q and LF started to date. Crusher and Picard got married. Ezri and Bashir made out, and LF objected and yelled, "Ezri, you whine too much!" Ezri gave LF a councilling session, and LF started to not mind Ezri, and even gave her some lipbalm so Ezri could kiss Bashir more. LF went and left everyone alone so we could get on with the story.
Jake was getting bored of having no forumgoers helping him write. "Please help me" he said.
"So you call yourself a writer?" said Catalina as she stepped from behind a tree, "Wat kind of writer are you if you can't write without help?"
"I... just have... no inspriration right now. Yes. But the story must go on, so please help me."
"Alright then. I'll give you... a vision." "Your story is too perky and happy. You've got to write some tragedy into it. You've got to write some death."
"Er, right," said Jake hesitantly. "I'll keep that in mind."
"You know," said Crichton, "I don't see how that's going to help us get out of this story."
"Well," 17 pointed out reasonably, "if you're dead you wouldn't be in the story any more, would you? Besides, it makes a better read."
The forumgoers smiled at Jake. He sighed, and set his hands down on the typewriter again...
Jake just sat there staring at the blank page in his typewriter. "Uh oh, I think I have writer's block," said Jake. NeoMatrix came by and said, "You need a hero and a villain, plus someone who needs to be rescued. Think of a good plot and setting, then the story will fall into place." "Thanks alot," said Jake cheerfully.
"Thanks alot" he repeated, more sarcastically this time. "Allright then, how shall I call the hero?"
"Call him Julian!" Bashir interupted his line of thoughts.
"Riiiiight..." Jake answered, "I thought it had to be a little realistic."
"Then call the one who needs to be rescued Ezri, and the bad guy Sloan." Bashir continued.
"Hey!" Obviously, Sloan did not agree.
"Well, *I* am the writer here," Jake pointed out, "so I get to decide who is the good guy, who is the bad guy, and most importantly, who gets to die. Catalina said I had to write more death into my story." He flexed his fingers. "Right then, that part should be easy enough, and I'll start with it." His fingers started flying over the typewriter keyboard.
Suddenly a large marble pillar appeared out of nowhere and fell on Crichton's head.
"Oh my god," exclaimed Sloane, "you killed John, you bas--"
Another large marble pillar appeared out of nowhere and fell on Sloane's head.
Jake grinned. "This could get fun." He continued typing.
A white horse burst forth onto the scene. It's rider, an extremely tall, thin fellow, disembarked.
ER, he said. THERE SEEMS TO BE A PROBLEM.
"Hi, I'm Legolas" said Legolas. Jake explained: "Opium thinks Legolas is hot, and Julian's ego is too big...we needed something to tone it down with hotness". Bashir launched himself at Legolas. Legolas gave him a big hug. Then, slowly, he bent down, and looked at John and Sloane. "I can save these two. I need a powerful witch or two" Tara and Willow both raised their hands. "Good" said Legolas.*Jake wasnt really interested in the whole magic thing,or Legolas, but he liked the "magic=sex theme" from BTVS* Tara and Willow began the spell, and Legolas helped. The all started to get hot and chant. Willow got all black-eyed and scary, and *somehow* Quark Snyder got a million zits, but then Legolas got up. "The spell has worked." he said. Xander interupted, "Something bad always happens after an anti-death spell" "Another problem?" said Bashir
"Problems are good," said Jake, "It makes the story interesting."
"But this might be a problem you can't handle," Bashir answered.
"I'm the DM, I can handle anything." Jake said.
A silence followed, in which all looked at Catalina.
"Sorry," said Catalina, "I'm playing d&d, and I just couldn't restist."
Jake sighed. Everytime he got a story under control, it always seemed to take a life of it's own and start running away as if the Legions of Death were on it's tail (metaphorically speaking, that is).
"Why does this always happen to me?" he howled, as a bright flash enveloped them for no reason other than someone other than Jake wanted it to happen.
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Anya, "And you must marry Anya by sundown"
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Ezri, "You are the new sheriff. You write Blazing Sadles in the sun."
"You are the Sisko Kid" said Prophet Quark Snyder, "You must learn everything by tomorow morning, or you will lose the capital earnings potential on you project".
Jake was confused, "So now I am bringing in a 20th century Mel Brooks comedy? Why?"
"The Sisko Kid talks too much" said Prophet Picard. Jake was back in the Convergence. Legolas rushed to his side. "Jake, you are the chosen one, but I'm still prettiest." Xander built a movie screen, and everyone watched Blazing Sadles. Jake knew what he must do. The prophets were nuts.
"Therefore," he proclaimed happily, "I must restore order by erasing everything that has occurred in this story so far and start anew!"
"And just how are you going to do that?" asked Ezri.
"Er.... well." Jake was stumped. "I haven't thought of that bit yet..."
Well, the simple way was to burn everything. And that is what was done. Everyone was happy. They all went outside to play. They had a great time.
Jake was sad. His story was going out of control. "Again, you are LEAVING ME! Well, NO MORE!" he said. So he got the Nerd Trio from Buffy to help him.
"Sorry, but I'm out of the game. Xander reformed me. I love his...carpentry" said Andrew.
"Hey, I was just in it because it was something to do until I got into Oxford.Bye now" said Jonathan, and he left.
"I'm in. I'm evil. I'm the big evil powerful superman" said Warren, "I can fight any problem. I can *Willow and Tara come in holding hands* HEY, I KNOW you just are waiting for me, because... OWOWOW" Everyone had gotten bored of Warren, and carried him out while hitting him with frisbees. Odo put him in jail. Jake was mildly entertained.
*end of commercial break*
Hmmm, where did everyone go? Looks like everyone went on vacation. Well, they deserve it. Writing a story is no easy task. So who was left in charge in case a emergency came up? Oh no, looks like we are doomed? They left Janeway in charge.
Janeway blinked. "I was left in charge? What? How come nobody ever tells me these things?"
Jake rubbed his chin. "Well, it could have been worse. They could have left the story in the hands of The Doctor..."
17 rolled her eyes in annoyance and stuck a pistol in Jake's back. "Enough talk, start writing the story! The typewriter is THERE for a reason..."
Jake scowled. "I've got writer's block!"
"Then this should help you!" A bright flash of light, and suddenly tribbles populated the area where 17 once stood.
Jake gulped. "I've got a bad feeling about this...."
Jake shakily started to write. "Okay, tribbles are breeding maniacs. Hmmm, maybe Tara and Willow could start a magic spay/neuter program." Jake said to the forumgoers. "No, that would be too easy" said Opium. Xander came in. "Sorry, but Tara and Willow are out making magic of their own. I tried to watch but..."he showed everyone the big bruise on bum. But, oddly, the Tribbles seemed to stop breeding and pay extra attention to Xander's magic comment. "Hey, that's it!" said Jake, "The Tribbles like slash so much they stop doin' it to hear more! Everyone has to do some Slash!" He started writing quickly. Andrew's admiration of Xander ran Xander over...literally...and Bashir and Legolas started, um, being close. The Tribbles were mezmerized. Tara and Willow brought in a camara and started taking some SLASH photography...
However, they forgot about the dangers of flashing mezmerized tribbles. It was too late. Once the first flashed took place, there were drunk tribbles everywhere. You do not want to be around drunk tribbles. The good news that 17 reappeared, however, she started multiplying. Before long, there were 17 17's running around. 1 of 17 ran over and took the camera away from Tara and showed them the warning lable on the back of the camera, which read, "Warning, Flash will cause harm to Tribbles and Grimlins. Danger: Do not operate camera within 100 feet of any weird anomolies that has caused a person to disappear." "See what you have done?" 1 of 17 said. "I must now compete against 17 other 17's to be the most beautiful 17. You know how bad this is going to be on my reputation? What if a handsome man decides to pick 5 of 17 over me?"
Jake gulped. Now he didn't have just one 17 to contend with, he had 17!
"This isn't good," he muttered. "I have to recombine them... perhaps using 29th century technology...." And he started typing furiously.
Jake wrote yet another magic scene for Tara and Willow, and quickly there were only two 17's.
"But which one the REAL 17?" asked Picard, randomly coming back from a long hiatus.
"Hmm, we must see who she loves. Quark his your husband, 17, is he not?" said a smirking Odo.
"Oh, yes, and I loooove him so much that I..." *zap*. Now there was just 17, but strangly, oddly, 16 new Jakes appeared.
"Xander" said Willow, "Did you use some of the Marinus Jainus for personal use?" XAnder nodded. Now there were all those Jakes, all typing, typing, typing, as they had each come complete with magical typewriters and their own batteries.
The forumgoers gulped. "I can only forsee a massive tangle of 16 different storylines churned out by 16 different Jakes," said 17 faintly.
Jake 1 grinned maniacally and started writing random Harry Potter characters into the story.
Suddenly, Drizzt appeared out of thin air.
"Who's responsible for this one?" Ezri asked. Jake 4 stuck up one hand, going on with the other.
Max came flying over on her bike, landing after a high and far jump, and almost run over Drizzt, who jumped aside just in time.
But then, Xander, Willow, and Tara, along with Bashir and Ezri, started to dance "The Lumbada-it makes sex look like church!" from that show about a certian yellow-skinned, nuclear-loving (and hating) family.
"Okay, which Jake did that" asked the weirded out forumgoers.
All the Jake's raised their hands.
"Doh!" said Bashir.
"Dont have a cow, forumgoers" said Xander."It's a fun dance-you just kinda do a thingy and then some stuff and then cha-cha-VOOM!"
The relentless clicking of typewriters continued. Story threads twined, clashed and got themselves caught into massive balls of tangle. Which, to be honest, isn't that much of a departure from the storyline here so far. But I digress.
"Something MUST be done about the chaos!" exclaimed Janeway. "And since nobody else seems to be sane enough to do the right thing, I will!" And she picked up her compression phaser rifle and started shooting random Jakes.
"But wait, how will you know which one is the REAL Jake?" Xander asked her.
"Does it matter?" asked Janeway, blasting Jake 7 into oblivion.
"Yes! Only the REAL Jake can help us eradicate this mess!"
Janeway sighed. "Which one of you is the real Jake?" she asked, quite annoyed.
All Jakes stuck up their hands.
"That helped," she said, and started shooting Jakes again.
"Wait!" Willow stopped her, "Is there is one real Jake, wouldn't he logically be numbered 1?"
"I guess that does make sense" Janeway answered. She walked toward Jake 1 and took him by his collar. "Are you the real Jake?"
"Yes"
"That settles it than" she said, while she fired at Jake 12.
"Hold that thought" Bashir went over to Jake 16 and said: "Are you the real Jake?"
"Yes"
"See?" Bashir told Janeway.
Bashir counted on his fingers, "There are only nine Jakes left. That makes our job easier."
"But what if the real Jake is already dead?" Xander wanted to know.
"He can't be," Bashir said smugly. "Then we would be doomed. That isn't allowed to happen."
"That settles it, then," Janeway said with satisfaction, as she raised her phaser rifle and prepared to blast eight more Jakes at random.
"Wait! Wait! Er, I'm not sure the rule would hold now that we all have had a chance to let the reader know how doomed we'd be if we shot the wrong Jake," Bashir protested.
Meanwhile, the remaining Jakes were typing busily.
"Then what do we do now?" Janeway demanded.
"Hold a 'Survivor' contest!" Anya shouted.
"Give them all a quiz," suggested Ezri, who, due to loneliness from being one of only about three Starfleeters mentioned within the past ten posts, had taken to watching The Holy Grail over and over again.
Just as Ezri said this, there was some strange sounds that made all remaining Jakes, Bashir, and Xander veeerrryyy happy. All the Jakes were restored.
"Oooo, 17 Jakes again!" said Anya,"how did Willow and Tara knew that that was what I wished for?"
"That was MY wish too, Anya" said Andrew, who needs an obligotory sexually ambigous comment in every ep."But why?"
"Because Jake 1 was over there a second ago" said Tara, pointing, "but next time Jake 1 was the one with purple typewriter, over there"
"So we need all the Jakes back for the Survivor series" said Willow.
"Couldnt you just do some magic?" asked 17.
"yes, but who doesnt want to watch 17 hot, sweaty Jakes run on logs?" said Willow.
Janeway then interupted by saying, "Lets she who survives my phaser cannon of DOOM." Janeway started firing at random, losing control of the cannon. The train station was destroyed again thanks to Janeway. Josie popped out of nowhere and saw the train station, then cried. One of the randon out of control shots was heading towards Josie. Just as the blast was about to hit Josie, he performed a matrix-move and ducked out of the way of the blast. "You are one fast cow," noted Janeway. Janeway finally was able to stop the cannon. Then all 17 Jakes went to work on the trainstation. However, they were to build 17 stations. The first one to finish was the winner of the survivor game. "This will improve transport time between dimensions," said Josie.
Quark Snyder came back from the Shire. He was surprised to see 17 Jake's. Legolas Turner was with him, in elven leggings, pirate shirt and very,very cool hair. Everyone gathered around Legolas Turner, nearly crushing Quark Snyder. The 17 Jakes started to write.
And quickly, all at the same time, 17 new trainstations were built. Then some theme music came over the crowd. Jack Sparrow jumped off from on of the platforms.
"Wow, 20 guys, a few pretty girls." Jack Sparrow said.
"Sir, we are not just pretty girls, we are powerful, educucated witches" said Willow
"I like strong women...and you there, why are you looking so hot'n huffy?"asked Sparrow
Xander just shifted his gaze...
and it fell upon the figure of Nanny Ogg.
Nancy walks up to Xander, slaps him, zaps him, then dissapears. He falls to the ground and faints. When Xander wakes up, he notices that something was a little different about him. He runs to look at himself in a mirror only to get the shock of his life. Nancy had turned him into a female.
Then, Willow walked towards him. "Hey pretty girl!"
"Willow... It's me, Xander!" Xander answered.
"I know. Did you know I always had a crush on you? That is, until Tara opened my eyes..."
"But now, Xander, you're a girl and, well, Tara is in love with AUEzri, who loves her back. So...wanna be lovers and marry and be happy?" asked Willow
"YESYESYESYESYESYESYES" said Xander."I love you."
Everyone, including Tara and AUEzri, and all 17 Jakes, smiled.
"About time" said Anya "now I can be happy with Quark Snyder and not worry about you two".
At this, Taya17 protested. "But Quarky Snyder, You're my lovely dovey"
Everyone laughed. All the Jakes were happy. They had finally made many, many shippers happy, and even added some very odd slash.
"Let's PARTY!" said Jake 3,2, and 8. And of course...
17 THWAPPED Opium over the head for the gratuitous Quark/17 mush in the previous contribution.
So Jake 9 and 14 arranged a band, while Jake 16 took care of the lights and snacks.
Then, Angel came in. "Hi, guys! How's it going?"
Everyone was surprised, except Jake 5, who was typing with a big smile on his face.
