A/N: I own nothing. Zip. Zilch. Neither do any of the others who wrote this. Just wanted to make that clear. Okay, so we do own the weirdness and zaniness. But we don't own the characters. Those belong to those who own the rights to Buffy, LOTR, Star Trek, and all the other wonderful sci-fi genres we've (ab)used.

"Hey, Xander, you're finally with Willow! Good for you" said Angel. Buffy reappeared from shooting Scooby Doo 2 and ignored Angel, instead dragging Spike from behind him.

"Spikey ikey mikey, I wuv yoo sho muchy wuchy" said Buffy.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

Jake 5 ran over to Angel. "hey, body ol' pal, how yah doing?" Angel said. Everyone was confused. Xander and Willow continued to snuggle, and Jake 3 got some candy, J2 got some pop and chips, and J8 turned on some 'tunes. Opium slapped Taya17 by making her cry over losing Quark Snyder. Taya17 cried and cried a river over losing Quark Snyder, and she even tried to kill Anya, who of course cant really die in this AU cus she's a venengce demon.

"Well, it's alright," she finally muttered. "Since I can't kill Anya, I'll just turn on the next best target, namely the person who has been defaming my character by trying to hook me up with a creature of the greatest disrepute."

With that, 17 pulled out a large Minbari baguette and started THWAPPING Opium soundly on the head.

What Taya17 didnt realize, however, was that she was thwapping the holographic Opium. But Opium understood, and stopped making Taya17 be in love with Quark Snyder.

Meanwhile, the party was going great. Willow and Xander announced their engagement,which made Anya jealous, so she a QS announced their engagement too. J5 and Angel also announced THEIR engagement. Everyone was getting very wierded out.

And then, suddenly, a gleaming light appeared, and Tara stepped out from it...

... and she gave Opium a big hug for being such a kind and understanding soul.

"Now," Tara said, "you must be wondering why everybody is feeling so weirded out. The explanation is simple. There is a single culprit behind this entire sorry affair, who is none other than..."

"Original Jake and an acomplace" said Tara.

Opium apoligized for her bad spelling and her Quark Snyder/Taya17 fling.

Everyone ignored Opium, as they were too engrossed with Tara's revelation.

Finally, Original Jake spoke.

"Well, what did you expect? 7 years of goodness, even Crusher got to go evil a few times. I needed to be evil. So I started writing all this, in May. And then I realized there were all these forumgoers and all these characters, and I latched on. And so I started righting wrongs, making techobabble make sense, making shippers happy-all the things sci-fi considers evil." said Jake."And my acomplice is..."

"... none other than John Sheridan!"

Muffled groans were heard from the audience

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" came a sound from behind a hill, "Not John Sheridan! He's a demon, and unkillable. Believe me, I've tried. He's like, the ultimate evil, worse than The First."

"Shut up Angel," said Buffy, "I think he's cute."

"Hey!" said Spike.

"Not as cute as Spikey here though," Buffy quickly put in, throwing Spike on the ground and jumping on top of him.

Angel watched with a sad face. "He's not as evil as B/S though."

Angel started to cry, so J5 came over and talked to him. Xander and Willow smiled and hugged, as Spike and Buffy went to another room to, uh,mingle closely.

Suddenly Tara and AUEzri remembered the REAL problem: John Sheridan and OJake's plan.

"Everyone, stop!" Tara sternly said, "Remember, there is a serious problem. Remember, some of our fellow Sci-Fi-ers disappeared from lack of mentioning them, died, and worst of all, put with Quark Snyder. This MUST be stopped, somehow..." Tara was interupted by OJake.

"No, it was no JS and I who did those things, we just wrote it to bring you all here. We must find...The Real Killers!" said OJake.

"That's ridiculous," said John Sheridan. "Of course it was I who did all these things. I am evil, I tell you! EVIL!"

"No, you're not," said Opium, "You're just insane. I believe Original Jake."

"And I believe OJake too, when he speaks of the Real Killers" said Tara.

"And so do I" said Willow and Xander at the same time.

"Well, I think these Real Killers have a lot of explaining to do, as they would be wonderful marketing gimics" said Quark Snyder. Anya swooned.

"Okay, okay, OKAY, so I'm just little old John Sheridan, hoping somone will pay attention to me. See, I thrive on attention. I die without it." said John Sheridan.

"Um...okay...yah" said Angel.

"But really, who ARE the killers?" asked Xander.

"Perhaps we must use magic to find out..." said a smiling OJake.

"Abracadabraalakazam!" yelled John Sheridan at the top of his voice.

There was a sudden flash of light, and suddenly all seventeen Jakes had been turned into nervous pink bunnies with twitching ears.

"Look at what you've done!" shrieked Anya in dismay.

"Whoops," said Sheridan, "I think I waved my wand the wrong way. Damned thing is acting--up--again--"

"You know, guys, I don't think that's all he's done," said Angel slowly, as a dark shadow fell ominously upon the scene.....

The dark shadow was of a giant Taya. John had enlarged her by an enormous amount. John smiled as he looked at his creation. Taya picked John up with her huge hand and played with him like a doll. All the other guys just stared at her boobs, and wondered if they could get up to them. They mixed up a big batch of sleeping potion and put it in a drink for Taya, which she drank. After awhile, she fell asleep and all the guys climbed aboard for some fun. However, the potion was not enough and she began to wake up.

"GET OFF, YOU PERVERTS!" she yelled, flicking all the guys onto the grass like so many ants. Furious, she put all of them in a giant glass cup and set them adrift in the Baltic ocean.

"Help us!" howled the men piteously. "We're sorry! Forgive us!"

Tara, AUEzri, Willow and Xander walked in on the scene. "What the...NO JAKES's? The story will disolve into a horrible mess" said Tara.

"Uh...I think it already has" said Xander. Conjuring up some five-way magic (Anya wanted the bunnies GONE no matter what), they brought back the 17 Jakes.

"Okay, so maybe John Sheridan IS the real killer" said OJake.

"But is it the REAL John?" asked Buffy.Tara, AUEzri, Willow, Xander and Anya did another five-way.

"Well, in a word, yes," said Willow. Everyone was shocked.

"John, that's five weeks detention and four bars goldpressedlatnum" said Quark Snyder, as everyone groaned at the worn-out joke except Anya.Who was worse:John or QS?

A dark, ominous cloud fell upon the scene. "NEITHER," boomed a voice from the heavens. "THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE MORE CONCERNED ABOUT IS..."

"Legolas Turner!" finished the voice, who turned out to be Picard hiding behind a cloaked force field.

"WHAT?" said everyone, clearly confused.

"Yes, Legolas Turner. LOTR and POTC are two hot movies, and Orlando Bloom is in both of them. And he makes Legolas Turner, the most non-threating, nice, kind, caring guy ever."

The girls all nodded and swooned. The guys all looked annoyed and grumbled.

"With all the fangirls and fanguys and fanforumgoers,"continued Picard," Legolas Turner, and his friends Frodo, Samwise, and Jack Sparrow, are threatening-by being so nonthreating-to accidentally take over fanfic!"

"Do any of them have Kippers of Thwapping?" PHJ wanted to know.

"Well, no," admitted Picard, "though I suspect that Jack Sparrow has a Scone of Smashing. He won't admit to it, though."

"Then that's all right," said PHJ, who went back to plotting against Microsoft.

Well, PHJ had just about to come up with a brilliant plan when Picard ripped a loud fart, but he blamed it on one of the Jakes, who then blamed it on another Jake. All the Jakes began blaming another Jake for the fart. They got in a big fight. Picard stepped in and told them of a challege. "There only needs to be one Jake, so we are going to have a big phaser fight to see who the one Jake will be." Picard set all 17 phasers to Kill and gave them to each of the Jakes. Picard beamed himself and PHJ to a safe position and announced the start of the fight. Every Jake scrambled for cover while trying to kill off each other. It was a long battle eventless battle because nobody was moving from their spot.

And thus was begun The War of the 17 Jakes.

Suddenly, somebody exclaimed out loud, "By gum! Jake 17 is missing!"

"Where could he have gone to?" wondered Picard, just as huge flying saucers appeared in the sky...

17 flying saucers landed on 17 launch pads. Finally, OJake pulled out his trusty typewriter and began to write. He turned the war into a subplot, and made Legolas Turner and Jack Sparrow's takeover the main plot. He made Jake 17 remote-control the saucer to launch pies, tea cups and coffee 17 at a time, and play LOTR and POTR 17 times each at a time, so that all computer signals become filled with POTRLOTR goodness amd mezmerized everyone. Tara, AUEzri, Xander, Willow and Anya formed a five-way protection spell, to prevent any serious injuries, but not before Legolas Turner was adorably covered in pie. The spell broke, however, because Willow couldnt help watching Legolas on the computer AND in real life. OJake tried a different tactic, mainly, having the saucers malfunction. Legolas Turner then asked Jake 17 for a frienly duel to make up for the pie...

... but his request was interrupted by a very large orange meringue in the act of exploding.

Covered in meringue bits, 17 howled, "I think the story's just got out of hand again! JAAAAAAAKE!"

"Cant you forumgoers write ANYTHING without me?" asked OJake. Everyone shook their heads. Jake began to write.

Legolas Turner, angered by the pie, took out his sword and his bow, and handed his sword to Jack Sparrow. Jake17 tried to send a message for the saucers to send out more pie, but Jack Sparrow expertly thwapped him on his head with the flat part of the sword. When Jake17 tried to get up, Legolas Turner shot a barrage of arrows, pinning Jake17 to ground without hurting him. Willow got out her trusty laptop and sent a virus out into the saucers, causing them all to explode, as 17 John Sheridan's parachuted out. However, they landed in Angel's puddle of tears, and all drowned.

Suddenly, Quark Snyder called out, "NOOOOO! I never got to tell you..."

... I love you, John!"

The 17 John Sheridans promptly revived to puke their guts out, before subsequently dying again.

"Oh, very funny, Jake," said 17 in annoyance. "I suppose you'll be writing William Shatner's hairpiece into this next, eh?"

OJake grinned and looked guilty. "Errr... heh heh."

Before everyone could giggle at OJake though,

"Look! Look at all these tribbles raining down!" said Picard as 17 light brown, 17 medium brown, and 17 red-brown Tribbles fell from the sky. Everyone gasped. Worf ran in from the chartrues green room, yelling various profanities. But then...

"Hey, these arent Tribbles, these are hair pieces!" said Xander."OJake, how could you DO this?" OJake wrote furiusly. Three teenagers walked in.

"Hello, I'm Harry, this is Hermione and Ron" said Harry.

"Oh, this is a Sci-Fi Confergence!" squeeled Hermione.

"Hi, I'm Legolas Turner. You may know me from varius slash fics that have us together." said Legolas Turner, as everyone gasped.

"Hey hey hey," yelled an irate forumgoer. "No mention of slash here, alright?"

"Does anyone realize that we are no nearer to getting out of this mess than we were, say, five pages ago?" asked Opium.

"Isn't that more or less the bloody point?" OJake replied, writing furiously. It started raining random Minbari.

"Ouch," said Hermione, as a random Minbari warrior landed head-first on Ron, "that has got to hurt."

"Look, what do you people expect?" said an irate OJake,"I mean, really now, there's implied everything, random tribbles, spoons, not to mention Mary Sue's!"

"We are not ALL Mary Sue's" said Opium, who had been re-stringing Legolas Turner's bow and shining Jack Sparrow's sword," I am the props mistress for this fanfic!"

"Right, look, why dont we all just calm down and have some tea while I look at Ron's wound?" said Tara.

"YAY, TEA!" said Hermione, Harry, Giles, Buffy and Spike.

"When did you become British, Buffy?" asked a forumgoer.

"When I got with Spike, of course." replied Buffy.

"SEE! THIS is what I'm talking about!" yelled an even more irate OJake.

17 gave OJake a funny look. "This is what WHAT is all about? I mean, that is what this is all about? I mean, er... ARGH!"

The other forumgoers turned and gave 17 a funny look, then looked at OJake. "Have you done something to her again?"

"Well," said OJake, "she DID start this, didn't she? She deserves some punishment! So I decided to...

"...first put her with Quark Snyder, but that didnt work. So now, oh yes now, I am having all 17 clones in love with her!" continued OJake.

"There must be a reason you havent written us out of this yet!" said Jack Sparrow," There are five BTVSwitches, 3 powerful teenage wizards/witches, and this Quark Snyder bloke who should be able to buy himself out of anything, or guilt anyone into submission. But no. Why is that?"

Hermione, Ron and Harry all had the same idea-they put a Truth Charm on OJake.

"It's that, well, I like it here. I dont have much of career, and I miss Ezri, and Quark Snyder, and all you other folks are just swell" said OJake, "And also, I love on of you here..."

"No," gasped 17, "you can't be in love with...."

"Opium," OJake sadly confessed.

The 17 Jake clones started laughing their heads off. "Hey," protested OJake. "You're my clones, you're supposed to be sympathethic to my cause!"

Hermione shook her head. "Who would have thought!"

"Hey! 'Sad'? 'Laughing' How dare you!" said Opium, and suddenly, all 17 Jake clones, and of course Taya17, fell in love with Quark Snyder. "Well, at least Jake isnt QS!

Taya17 became cvery distuaght, and began to plot revenge.

"Anyways..." said Xander, "why dont we all remember the plot...you know, how we all will get out of here?"

"I dont know, I kinda like it, Xanderums" said Willow, "I mean, it's not like our 'ship has a chance on TV, fanfic is all we have, and season 1-3, and various other eps...but those are gone already, just to be watched. So yah."

"Yes, well, I for one like it, I finally dont have to deal with fangirls" said Legolas Turner.

"See? We're on secondary plots again" said OJake.

NAHTMMM was slightly confused by all the disappearing and reappearing secondary plots and not-quite-plots, so at Old Jake's announcement, he just sat down unobtrusively off to the side, well out of the way of the various plots that were hopping up and down and bumping into each other in their frantic efforts to get everybody's attention, and put together a Ping-Pong table, which he set up. He then began playing a relaxing game of Ping-Pong with one of his tribble commandos while he quietly waited for someone to figure out what the plot was supposed to be, and who was around to do it.

Suddenly, John Sheridan fell from the sky and landed neatly in the middle of NAH's ping-pong game.

"Stop that!" shouted NAH. "You're not supposed to bother me until you've figured out the plot!"

"Haven't you already realized?" John replied. "Like the one-by-one story, there IS NO plot!"

"True," said NAH in conmiseration. "Are you any good at table tennis?"

"It's OJake, as in Original Jake, sheesh!" said OOpium

"Dabo! Homework!" said Quark Snyder. "It's okay dear, we have money!" said Anya

"Fangirls! Oh the horror, the horror!" said Legolas T, Jack Sparrow, and Spike, and Oliver Wood, from HP,who popped in.

"We want some fangirls!" said JohnS, and QuarkSnyder.

"Oh Willow" said Xander. "Oh Xander" said Willow.

"Picard, would you like some tea?" asked Crusher. "Crusher, yes and would you like a crumpet?" asked Picard.

"STOP IT ALL OF YOU!" said Tara. "Dont any of you care that we are making even less sense now than ever before?"

"OJake did it," said Taya, trying to lighten the mood with some OJ humor.

"I got it," said OJake, ignoring Taya's comment. "I will will make a baseball movie. The way this movie will be different from the rest of the movies is the fact that all the players on the team will look the same. Gather the clones, because we are going to make a movie."

Taya reacted by saying, "OJake did it, OJake did it"

Then the director said "cut! On to the next scene. That was great baseball rival action."

"Baseball? BASEBALL?" said Quark Snyder, "What about homework? Money? Baseball is only useful as a plot device or PE event or in a big stadium combined with $8.99 glasses of beer!

"What about sword fighting? I look good doing that, the ladies like it...OW" said Jack Sparrow as Tara, Willow, Hermione, Anya, AUEzri, 17, Opium, and Xander slapped him.

"How about archery? It's a graceful art, and..."Legolas Turner was swarmed by Willow(yes, even Willow), Hermione, Anya, 17, Opium, Tara and AUEzri (because JS makes a great friend, too!

"THIS IS MY STORY! I SAY BASEBALL!" said OJake, as he threw a ball at Legolas Turner, who caught it.

"Baseball?" asked Sisko, his ears perking up. "I heard that! Count me in!"

Just then Zack Allen walked in with a box of pizza. "Anyone up for a spot of good old Italian pastry? I think Mr. Garibaldi made this..."

"DON'T EAT IT!" howled OJake. "It's poisoned!" And he threw a baseball bat at the box of pizza, smushing it into tiny little bits.

"Why, you--!" exclaimed 17 in consternation. "I ordered that pizza!" And she started hurling pizza fragments in OJake's direction while John Sheridan randomly dropped nukes on the pizza remains.

"OH NO YOU DONT!" said Legolas Turner, "I may be Mr Nice Sweety Nice NonThreating Guy, but I am NOT letting you take away MY glory with PIZZA!"

"Bloke, what sort of glory do you have right now, here?" said JackSparrow, holding LegolasT back from thwapping OJake, as Wesley Crusher appeared.

"Bloody hell, this is OJake's time of glory"said Spike.

OJake asked Hermione to magic a pizza. Ron helped, and it ended up being...

"Here, 17, here's a 'chocolate anchovy Italian Hawiian pepporoni salmon jellybean pumkin frogslegs pizza" said Harry said,as Crusher reappeared.

"Oh Spike, you are so very brave to stand up to Legolas Turner and Jack Sparrow" said Buffy, as Picard reappeared.

And while the Buffy-Spike sentiments made non-Buffy/Spikers in the audience puke intestinal bile, the continued nuking of the pizza remains by John Sheridan was drawing very unwelcome attention from Washington D.C.

"Wow, this is great!" OJake gushed. "Now I can use my experience on DS9 to start writing lots of political intrigue into this story!"

"But what century are we in? What political intrigueness do I use?" finished OJake.

"As the highest ranking officer here, I shall take on this Washington D.C." said Picard.

"But Picard honey, remember how it was revealed that the White House was being controlled by the oil/softdrink/clothing/car industry, and the real concern over world event came from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada?" said Crusher.

"Oh sure mom, just ruin the timeline!" said Wesley.

"What timeline? Everything's already screwed already; the timeline was next to go. Only when everything is chaos shall things go back to order" said Hermione.

"What?" screamed 17. "Hermione's a Shadow agent! Get her, everyone!"

"What's a Shadow?" Legolas Turner asked.

"It's the thing on the floor behind you when you're standing in light, dummy," said Crusher. "Or sitting in light. Or sleeping in light. Whatever."

Spike groaned at the lame puns in the story.

"Shadows are mean little creatures that eat socks," said Zack Allen nonsensically.

"Oh, shut up," said Sheridan, before pushing Zack into a thousand-foot-pit on Z'Ha'dum, whereupon purple penguins started raining from the sky because Zack's fall had accidentally boosted the Improbability Levels in the thread (by means of his body landing on the Infinite Improbability Drive improbably located at the bottom of the said pit).

"Oh great," said Picard, "What have we done now?"

A white flash of light appeared, and left, as white flashes of light do.

"Hello, I'm Mayweather" said Mayweather," And I'm gueststarring on your show!"

"The timeline is REALLY ruined now. Even Janeway couldnt make it worse!" said Wesley.

"Bad Wesley! Dont say that name!" said Crusher.

"Indeed. Engage?" asked Picard. Crusher accepted.

Another flash of light.

"Hello, I'm Captain Janeway" said Janeway.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Buffy, Spike, Xander, Willow, Anya, Tara, Crusher, and Quark Snyder.

"You mean we can just make characters appear by yelling out their names?" Picard asked.

"Sure, why not?" said OJake, an evil glint reflecting in his eyes.

"Wow," said 17 in awe, "we could have a field day with this..."

...especially since today is Friday."

Several forumgoers began excitedly calling out for characters they wanted to get involved.

"The Sisko!" "Abraham Lincoln!" "Bring back Data! And let's have the real Legolas too!" "Captain Janeway! No, wait, Admiral Janeway! Aw, let's have both of them, that'll be fun--" *CLOMP*

Everyone jumped, then looked to see a giant marshmallow standing a short distance away. Everybody then turned as one to glare reprovingly at an embarrassed fat man standing off to the side.

"I couldn't help it," Ray said plaintively. "I got hungry..."

"No marshmallow people," OJake said firmly. He made the Stay-Puft Man go away.

Stay-Puft Man wept and flooded the whole city.

But was another problem...

"No, I'm Legolas...Turner!" said Legolas Turner.

"But I"M Legolas!" said Legolas.

Wil Turner appeared. "I'm Wil Turner!" he said. A wrestling match ensued.

"STOP IT!" yelled Picard, much to everyone's disappointment.

"Well now, look what you've done! This is what happens when you get too many of the same people! Like if we has Quark Snyder, Quark, and Snyder" said Tara.

"Hey, where am I? Some little witch is gonna get detention" said Snyder.

"So is this what a Prophet session is? Lots of cute people. I could make money selling these." said Quark.

The Stay-Puft Marshmallow man, being sad and angry at being ignored by the storywriters, retaliated by eating all the characters.

But rather suddenly, everyone was in the train station.

"I didnt write this!" said Jake.

"Someone made a Wish" said Anya.

"And I used a Time Charm" said Hermione. Ron and Harry looked impressed.

"And I did a spell" said Tara.

"And we kissed" said Willow and Xander.

"And I'm here" said Janeway.

Yes, they had indeed traveled back in time to the Beginning of the Convergence.

"What?" spluttered John. "You mean we went through all that all for... for NOTHING?"

"Afraid so," said Hermione apologetically. "The story was getting a little too weird for my liking. Now we can begin with a fresh slate!"

"But Big Reset Buttons are EVIL!" protested John.

Suddenly, the train staion was being destroyed by the Klingons again. The guy with the mismatched socks was back. However, there was a presence of tribbles. They were falling from the sky.

Worf, Geordie, Troi, Data, Riker, and of course Wesley, Crusher and Picard were suddenly there, once again. They were all totally confused by the scene. Snyder, Quark and Quark Snyder were bickering, and Legolas, Wil Turner and Legolas Turner were all wrestling in the conviencent grass.

"Q! How dare you do this!" said Picard.

"Um, Captain, sir, actually, see, it was magic, BTVSwicca and Janeway." said Tara, the only girl not watching Legolas, Wil and LT wrestling. "See, Janeway causes time travel anomolies. Isnt that right, Xander?"

"Yes, it is, always, just like on TV." he said. "Hey, where's Andrew?"

And suddenly, Andrew was fawning over Anya and Xander.