"Oh frag it, I'm too confused to do anything right now," mumbled John
disconsolately. So he did what was only natural to him.
He dropped a couple of nukes on the entire scene.
"This is why we shouldn't go around mentioning annoying people" said Anya. She, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Tara, Willow, Xander and OJake were floating high in the sky.
"Nice move girls" Xander said, drawing a annoyed look from Ron and Harry, "But please put me down now, honey... On second thought, don't" he added, looking down.
Straight at the Miss United States contest, being held 200 metres away.
"Great view," He commented. "Pity it's not the swimsuit event."
Xander and Tara watched the contest while Willow, Anya, and Hermione morned the loss of Legolas, Legolas Turner, Wil Turner and Jack Sparrow.
"I wish they were back so they forever remind Xander that if he misbehaves, I could go with the others or Legolas" said Willow.
All the hotties came back.
Meanwhile, Q had the whole Next Gen crew at yet another train station, singing show tunes. Although Q could make them sing, he conviently could not control what they said.
"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I hate Q dill they day I die, stop making us sing showtunes now" sang Picard.
"Q that rymes with Poo that stands for Q" sang the chorus.
John decided to get on the train that went to Tribbleland. However, the train never left the station. So he just sat there forever, watching the show tunes.
So he sat in that train for all eternity, cradling cooing tribbles in his hand and humming showtunes nonsensically to himself.
"Observe" said Data, "This sock is blue..."
Everyone was betting on the male wrestling.
"I bet 200 that Legolas will win" said Anya
"I bet 300 that Jack S will win" said Andrew
"I bet 400 that Ron will win" said Hermione
"I bet 500 that Pircard will win" said Crusher
"I bet 600 that Xander will win" Willow
"I bet 700 these "jokes" are painfully old" said Tara
"Okay girls, money down, betting has ended" said Snyder, QS and Quark, as the guys wrestled and Data yapped about mismatched socks.
"Blue socks, you tiny little blue socks," sang Data. "You precious little blue socks, where are you?"
Somebody whose initials JUST happened to be JS dropped a couple of nukes on Data, effectively silencing him, but with the rather unfortunate effect of also silencing everyone else within a five mile radius.
Data thought, "I guess the showtunes are over, and that JS got off the train. Why can I hear everyone thoughts. Are we all borg drones now?"
Everyone else thought, "Oh crap!"
The nukes JS dropped had nanoprobes in it.
And thus, the Borg welcomed the new additions to their ever-growing family Collective.
...until Data and the EMH started singing opera.
"Aarrgh!" said all the other Borg, "earplugs are futile!" So they jumped ship in their haste to escape, and died in the vacuum of space.
"OJake, why do you keep writing this?" asked Jack Sparrow.
"Because I have a lot of course work that I really dont want to do. I'm a writer, I'm going to the best university: U of Earth-Revelstoke-BC-Canada! You'de think they would want to teach us new stuff" said OJake, "but no, they want us to study arcaic terms, like "printing press", typewriter" and "media integrity."
"I see. Wanna drink gin and sing showtunes?" asked Jack Sparrrow. OJake nodded. So they did.
Just then, JS dropped a mini nuke on OJake and Jack Sparrow. Everything was destroyed, including the story. However, Jack Sparrow was untouched.
With OJake dead, everything got even more out of hand.
Suddenly Dukat came out of the ground with a machine gun, and started killing Random Redshirts. He accidentally hit Picard.
"Oh no!" said Jack Sparrow. "That has got to hurt!"
"I like your eyeliner," John Sheridan told him. "Since we share the same initials, you are obliged to give me a pirate makeover."
"Aye," replied Sparrow.
Jack Sparrow and John Sheridan had a special bond. The two together meant certain doom for everyone else. John knew he was the one because Jack was immune to his nuke, or maybe all that eyeliner protected him.
"Im already dead." Jack said to the author.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." said the author.
"Where did I get all these nukes?" John asked the author
"Ask 17, she will know" said the author to John
"This is really boring" said Jack, "Why couldnt I have been written in when cool stuff was happening?" The author responded, because it was Sunday,by resurecting folks.
"We need a hero" said OJake.
"Call him Bashir" said Bashir, as Ezri, QS, Kira, Odo, Jadzia, v2Worf, OBrian, Sisko, and Garak rolled thier eyes.
"Observe. This sock is blue. This sock is orange." said Data. Picard, Geordi, Crusher, Troi, and the rest really didnt care. Riker appeared.
"And look, he's Quark...but he's Snyder, too! That's hilarous!" said Tara, as Buffy, Spike, Xander, Willow and Anya nodded, as Opium procrastinated reading "The Caretaker" by prolonging a nonsensical, silly thread.
"What do you mean, 'a nonsensical, silly thread'?" 17 demanded of Opium.
Opium gave her a funny look. "You mean this actually makes sense to you?"
"Quite true," said 17, and they happily settled down to watch John Sheridan and Jack Sparrow annoy everyone else by skipping around hand in hand singing nonsensical songs.
At the same time, Odo and Kira made eachother comfortable, while both QS and Bashir were flirting with Ezri.
Worf took Data and Geordi on a Trip to the Gamma Quadrant, but he didn't pay attention to where they were going and almost crashed into a sun.
Suddenly, it started snowing. Heavily. In less than two hours the entire thread was covered in six feet of snow. Everyone was buried within-- well, almost everyone.
"Well, it looks like Hell froze over," said Legolas, happily nancing on top of the snow. "Hey! Where did everybody go?"
A muffled "oof" came from the snow. Jack's eyeliner had saved him!
"All right Willow! Way to save...hey, where's Anya?" asked Tara. Willow had saved Xander, Spike, Buffy, and Tara.
"If I'de saved Anya, QS would have been saved, too" said WIllow. Legolas and Jack began singing becuase they were so happy to be alive:
"I feel pretty, Oh so Pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay" they sang.
The Scoobies joined in:
I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and free, I feel so pretty, I hardly can believe it's me"
Simultaneously, everybody not singing, including everyone who was dead, screamed 'SHUT UP!'
The volume of the shout was so loud that there was and avalanche in the Himalayas, miles and miles away.Dead silence followed. The Dead Silence continued....
until John Sheridan dropped a couple of nukes on Unimatrix One. The borg queen didn't like that move, so she sent 47 cubes at him.
Jack, Legolas, and the Scoobie gang decided it would be best to just give the Borg John Sheridan. So they did.Unfortunetly, the Borg Queen was Anya, and she brought along Quark Snyder. She took John, but he wouldnt stop singing:
"Cellophane, oh Mr. Cellophane, it should have been my name, oh Mr. Cellophane..." sang John. Borg Queen Anya kicked John, along with Quark Snyder, back to Jack, Legolas and the Scoobies. QS joined in with John's singing. Q popped in.
"SHUT UP THIS INFERNAL RACKET!" he said. And with that, QS and John were both sent to 20th century Broadway, where they had long and succesful careers as costume-trial stand-ins. Everyone thanked Q.
"You're welcome! You're welcome! You're welcome!" Q nanced around singing.
Legolas looked at Q with admiration. "Wow! You nance really well!" he said.
Q and Legolas looked at each other. There was something in the air....
Spike interupted the momentas Q nanced around more.
"Bloody hell! Q nances well? That bloke cant nance half as well as I can! Here I am, nancing in and out for 6 pages, and here Q comes and gets a pat on the back and a lolli!" said Spike, and Legolas pouty cutely. Q nanced more.
"Spike, I never knew! I mean, you love me and all." said Buffy.
"Well, yah, but still, I nance, just for fun," said Spike.
"Now look, I may not nance so well as you well-bred folks, but I darn well can look cool, and everyone wants me. Sorry it could never work out" Jack said to everyone.
"Um, I'm gay" said Tara, "Joss Whedon wrote that into BTVS"
"And I'm straight...except for that one ep" said Xander.
"Now that we've all come out of the closet," said John Sheridan, "I propose we hold a Mardi Gras and shoot this story straight into hell."
"Hear, hear!" cried the clamoring crowds, while in a corner, Opium was heard mumbling, "You mean this story isn't already in hell?"
Everyone was dancing like mad, and within the chaos...
"You see, I'm a fancy nancy guy, and Tara, how about we do a little wiggle- wagg...OW" said Jack, as Tara slapped him very hard.
Borg Queen Anya said,"Now that you have rid the universe of QS and John, will you be my boyfriend?" asked Anya of Q. Q accepted, and together Anya and Q started talking in the corner.
"Um, isnt there a plot still? Huh? Well?" asked Willow. When no one answered, she continued dancing with Xander.
Jack and Legolas continued to nance together in non-sexual contexts, ignoring the conversations around them...
....which, very strangely, happened to be about jellybeans.
"Jellybeans? Jellybeans? What next, giant killer tomatoes?" wailed Opium.
"Don't jinx it!" exclaimed the Borg Queen.
"Too late," giggled 17 maniacally.
"Yes, too late," said Sleepy Smurf. He went to his mushroom and went to sleep.
"But I wanted to play chess with you. What am I going to do now?" said 17.
Right then, everyone said, "I will play!"
"Gee, it looks like we are going to have to narrow down by having a contest," said 17.
"I will make it.... a wet t-shirt contest!" she announced.
All the guys whooped. 17 rolled her eyes. "Men..."
"But only if the guys take their shirts of first" said Willow.
Spike and Xander whipped their shirts off, and Legolas and Jack followed. Q thankfully declined, instead of turning into a younger guy.
"I'll get the hose!" said Tara. "Hey, wait a minute! This is character asasination! On BTVS I played a cool, shy, nice lesbian, not a sleazy guy- wannabe!
Just then, Legolas and Jack started nancing and dancing shirtless, and that was cool, but still didnt give the story a plot. Something had to be said.
"Q, there is something I have to tell you" said Anya."I'm pregnant with your baby!"
"But, Anya...how do you know it's not mine?" said Jack.
"Jack! I though you were MINE!" said...
...JS.
Just then, some soap opera music started playing, causing everyone to look around. All of a sudden, Anya's baby was 10 years old. "Aha, he looks like Q, but then again, he looks like Jack," said Anya, who felt light all of a sudden from the lack of baby weight.
"I think our sperm had a duel, but noone won, so they compromised," said Jack.
"So, who's the Daddy?" asked Q.
"You are Q, why don't you tell us? You are the all wise being of the universe,"said Picard.
"Well, There is only one thing I cannot control in the universe, and that is Soap Operas," said Q while looking down at the ground.
Then 17 interrupted, "Hello, anyone here? What about the contest?
"Oh, shut up," said Sheridan, and he proceeded to shut 17 up by hosing her down.
"Excuse me, you dingbat nutcase!" 17 spluttered. "And I'm not even wearing a see-through T-shirt!" She proceeded to take her revenge by slapping a large cream pie in Sheridan's face.
Anya's kid laughed at all the fun and decided to join in the pie-throwing.
"Argh!" exclaimed Opium, "You're wasting all the pie on bloody JOHN SHERIDAN?"
"He's not worth it, don't you know that?" Buffy fell in.
"Besides, he's dead" Opium said.
"Do you have a problem with dead people?" Buffy asked Opium, "I died too, you know. Twice."
"You did? Oh, right, then you're not worth it either. Therefor, I'm NOT going to throw pie at you." Opium said.
"Really? Not even if I do this?" asked Buffy, as she put an apple pie up Opium's face.
...and Opium woke up. With pie on her face.
"Sorry, I didnt realize Tara and Willow put sleeping potion in the pie, to be used if John starting talking" said Buffy, as Willow, Xander,Anya and Tara pied Buffy with a huge pie.
There was another flash, and OJake appeared with Arwen.
"I thought, hello, we have Legolas, why not Arwen-she's my girlfriend." said OJake.
"But...cant we have Aragorn?" said Legolas.
"Where am I? Legolas...nice to see you! So i'm in the Sci-Fi-Con, eh? said Aragorn.
"Hi Aragorn" said Arwen. Aragorn, however, had started talking to Jack and Legolas, and ignored Arwen. 17 shook her head. So Spike and Buffy kissed, causing 17 to shake even more.
"That's it, I'm out of here!" said 17. "Spike/Buffy... pie... getting hosed down by bloody JOHN SHERIDAN... I'm off to Minbar for a long deserved holiday!" And she took the next available flight to the homeworld of the Minbari Federation.
When 17 finally reached Minbari Prime, she was in disbelief that the planet was celebrating Pi day. People were going around wearing Pi shirts, reciting the numbers of pi, even pi throwing contests.
Meanwhile, everyone was having too much fun watching Spike/Buffy kiss to notice that 17 was gone.
On a whim, Q decided it would be a good idea to beam everybody into the cold vacumn of space.
So he did.
And thus everybody died.
"Q, you have failed" said Picard, who was sitting in a floating isometric set peice.
"But I was testing humans, not the other way around!" said Q.
"Not here, in the Sci-Fi-Con." said Picard. Picard got up, and Q was sent back.
"Aragorn! Dont you see me?" said Arwen.
"Yes, but I am in presence of a Prince and a Pirate, so I must talk to them" said Aragorn.
"Don't worry" said Xander to Arwen," Aragorn will come around".
"Xander!" said Willow, before she was caught by the PG13 police.
"Hey, what about the plot?" said Tara.
"Oh, right...Q! Jack! Which one of you is going to marry me?" said Anya. Q went on one knee to propose. But Jack...
had his eye on Tara.
Tara, of course, being gay, didn't notice him at all and kept playing with a girl she found in outer space.
Meanwhile, 17 shot + pi pi-wearing Minbari out of pure rage. She suddenly found she liked pie better, and wanted to return. However, she missed the flight by just pi minutes.
Then OJake woke up and realized that at least the last three posts had been no more than a dream.
So he went and had 17's name legally changed to Sue.
Meanwhile, NAHTMMM went into deep and violently frightened hiding as he considered the possibilities inherent in hiding behind Zeke and inducing 17 to keep exclaiming at him until she let multiple !'s slip, then running away before the carnage began. This was legal since this is his second post of the day and so doesn't count either.
"Q! You have failed. Miserably. Again. You are the weakest Q" said Picard. Everything had time-traveled back to the end of Opium's last paragraph.
"Q, you have let forumgoers do all sort of naughty things!" said Crusher.
"I'm just Q! I'm not OJake!" said Q, miserably. Meanwhile, a curfufle broke out among Spike, Jack, Legolas and Aragorn over who nanced the best.
"Boys,boys, there's only nancer, and that's Spike!" said Buffy, as B/S kissed.
"And did everyone forget about my child?" said Anya.
"Yes, you're a B-plot, get used to it!" said Willow.
"Um, look" said Tara, as the forumgoers threw e-pies at each other," Look, get along for Zeke's sake! Us poor Sci-Fi-Conners are getting dizzy from all this time/sleep travel!"
"Has anybody seen OJake lately?" asked Tara.
"Yes, he was right there just a minute ago waking up from--" Q said.
"No he wasn't" Xander interupted him.
"Oh, right. Wrong timeline" Q said.
Meanwhile, 17 had tied NAH to a chair with duranium chains and was slowly torturing him by making him watch endless re-runs of Keanu Reeves' old movies.
"Kill me! Kill me now!" screamed NAH, as Speed went into it's 157th replay.
"But we've only just started," said 17, with an evil glint in her eye.
NeoMatrix dashed into the room. "Holy smokes!" he panted, "There's a bunch of FBI agents coming this way, to find out who this mysterious '17' person is!"
"Let them eat cake," said Sue dismissively, mainly because the writer couldn't think of any better quotes at the moment. "Federal agents' efforts are hopelessly futile."
"They've got the CJP with them too!" Neo added.
"Oh no!" Sue exclaimed in a flurry of panic. "I knew I should never have made that 'chili dog' comment!"
17 beamed NAH over to Z'Ha'Dum and dropped a couple of nukes on his head. "End of story," she said smugly, and decided to begin the story anew.
"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, an dark figure appeared on the horizon..."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH" said OJake, as the figure came closer.
"What is it?" asked Arwen.
"I had this really bad dream that I wasnt in control of the story anymore!" said OJake, just as Aragorn, Legolas and Jack Sparrow started singing showtunes and nancing and dancing and watching "Runaway Bride". Spike and Buffy kissed like bunnies, and Tara randomly slapped Jack whenever he looked her way. Q and Anya ate chilli and cheesedogs, and OJake screamed again.
"What the??? Everything is nuts and crazy and strange, and my magic typewriter is gone! Who is Neomatrix? Who is 17? Who are they?" asked OJake.
"We are the Forumgoers. Restistence is Futile". said the goers. Unfortunately, the story had joined Topic Title in the shadowy realms of the quasi-sentient and refused to be started over. So, while OJake whimpered about his bad dream and everyone else nanced and stuff, The Sue Formerly Known As 17 was not able to escape the consequences of forgetting just how thick and hard NAHTMMM's skull is.
Sure enough, the nukes bounced off his head and actually rebounded back into orbit, where they made a mess of Sue's spaceship's exterior color scheme.
"Aargh!" Sue howled, as alarms went off all over her ship, "Now I'll have to paint it all over again!"
Q and Borg Queen Anya attacked NAHTMMM's skull, too.
"What's going over there, a little spat?" asked Jack.
"We must let them find patience within themselves to stop fighting" said Legolas.
"Yes, and Runaway Bride is not over yet" said Aragorn.
Arwen, Spike, Xander, Willow and Buffy had all gotten very sick of all the topic-jumping, and had started playing poker with kittens instead of caring what was going on.
"What the???" asked Picard,"I thought we had escaped this!"
"Yes, dear, we had..but for some reason we keep coming back" said Crusher
"Red sock blue sock orange sock pink sock" said Data, as Geordi, Worf, Riker, and Troi tried to shut him up.
Q started to play showtunes again. Everyone started dancing and singing with Data.
"I just love how humans are easy to manipulate"
"Im not human." Data said.
"Neither am I," said Legolas. "I just love dancing."
Meanwhile, Arwen, Spike, Xander, Willow and Buffy were in another room playing poker still.
"I hear music," said Buffy. "Music makes me get in the Vampire slaying mood."
So Buffy runs off to kill some Vampires.
The rest follow her.
"Meow, and I was winning too," said one of the kittens.
"Lets go dance and sing," said one of the other kittens.
"Ok," said the rest of the 17 kittens. And they all left the room and started singing and dancing.
They sang so loud that even through the vacuum of space, some people with good ears, back at Deep Space 9, got the song in their heads, even though they didn't notice any singing. However, they started singing the songs too, and after a while, everybody at Deep Space 9 was singing it.
"That's enough" said...
...Picard, who was getting really angry," I'm a MAIN CHARACTER and I'm being treated like OJake or Anya!"
"It's really not good to insult the people with..." said Crusher.
She was interupted by OJake, who started writing, and Anya, who started to yell.
"I am the Borg Queen! I can kick you back into Locutus-land!" she said.
"No, you cant" said OJake,"I just wrote you are now just a demon!
"But...Q will help. Where is Q?" said Anya.
Meanwhile...as much nancing and dancing went on,
"I think there is another dancing demon because Q just burned up!" said Spike, as Jack, Legolas, Aragorn and two others started singing "YMCA" in costume.
He dropped a couple of nukes on the entire scene.
"This is why we shouldn't go around mentioning annoying people" said Anya. She, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Tara, Willow, Xander and OJake were floating high in the sky.
"Nice move girls" Xander said, drawing a annoyed look from Ron and Harry, "But please put me down now, honey... On second thought, don't" he added, looking down.
Straight at the Miss United States contest, being held 200 metres away.
"Great view," He commented. "Pity it's not the swimsuit event."
Xander and Tara watched the contest while Willow, Anya, and Hermione morned the loss of Legolas, Legolas Turner, Wil Turner and Jack Sparrow.
"I wish they were back so they forever remind Xander that if he misbehaves, I could go with the others or Legolas" said Willow.
All the hotties came back.
Meanwhile, Q had the whole Next Gen crew at yet another train station, singing show tunes. Although Q could make them sing, he conviently could not control what they said.
"Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I hate Q dill they day I die, stop making us sing showtunes now" sang Picard.
"Q that rymes with Poo that stands for Q" sang the chorus.
John decided to get on the train that went to Tribbleland. However, the train never left the station. So he just sat there forever, watching the show tunes.
So he sat in that train for all eternity, cradling cooing tribbles in his hand and humming showtunes nonsensically to himself.
"Observe" said Data, "This sock is blue..."
Everyone was betting on the male wrestling.
"I bet 200 that Legolas will win" said Anya
"I bet 300 that Jack S will win" said Andrew
"I bet 400 that Ron will win" said Hermione
"I bet 500 that Pircard will win" said Crusher
"I bet 600 that Xander will win" Willow
"I bet 700 these "jokes" are painfully old" said Tara
"Okay girls, money down, betting has ended" said Snyder, QS and Quark, as the guys wrestled and Data yapped about mismatched socks.
"Blue socks, you tiny little blue socks," sang Data. "You precious little blue socks, where are you?"
Somebody whose initials JUST happened to be JS dropped a couple of nukes on Data, effectively silencing him, but with the rather unfortunate effect of also silencing everyone else within a five mile radius.
Data thought, "I guess the showtunes are over, and that JS got off the train. Why can I hear everyone thoughts. Are we all borg drones now?"
Everyone else thought, "Oh crap!"
The nukes JS dropped had nanoprobes in it.
And thus, the Borg welcomed the new additions to their ever-growing family Collective.
...until Data and the EMH started singing opera.
"Aarrgh!" said all the other Borg, "earplugs are futile!" So they jumped ship in their haste to escape, and died in the vacuum of space.
"OJake, why do you keep writing this?" asked Jack Sparrow.
"Because I have a lot of course work that I really dont want to do. I'm a writer, I'm going to the best university: U of Earth-Revelstoke-BC-Canada! You'de think they would want to teach us new stuff" said OJake, "but no, they want us to study arcaic terms, like "printing press", typewriter" and "media integrity."
"I see. Wanna drink gin and sing showtunes?" asked Jack Sparrrow. OJake nodded. So they did.
Just then, JS dropped a mini nuke on OJake and Jack Sparrow. Everything was destroyed, including the story. However, Jack Sparrow was untouched.
With OJake dead, everything got even more out of hand.
Suddenly Dukat came out of the ground with a machine gun, and started killing Random Redshirts. He accidentally hit Picard.
"Oh no!" said Jack Sparrow. "That has got to hurt!"
"I like your eyeliner," John Sheridan told him. "Since we share the same initials, you are obliged to give me a pirate makeover."
"Aye," replied Sparrow.
Jack Sparrow and John Sheridan had a special bond. The two together meant certain doom for everyone else. John knew he was the one because Jack was immune to his nuke, or maybe all that eyeliner protected him.
"Im already dead." Jack said to the author.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." said the author.
"Where did I get all these nukes?" John asked the author
"Ask 17, she will know" said the author to John
"This is really boring" said Jack, "Why couldnt I have been written in when cool stuff was happening?" The author responded, because it was Sunday,by resurecting folks.
"We need a hero" said OJake.
"Call him Bashir" said Bashir, as Ezri, QS, Kira, Odo, Jadzia, v2Worf, OBrian, Sisko, and Garak rolled thier eyes.
"Observe. This sock is blue. This sock is orange." said Data. Picard, Geordi, Crusher, Troi, and the rest really didnt care. Riker appeared.
"And look, he's Quark...but he's Snyder, too! That's hilarous!" said Tara, as Buffy, Spike, Xander, Willow and Anya nodded, as Opium procrastinated reading "The Caretaker" by prolonging a nonsensical, silly thread.
"What do you mean, 'a nonsensical, silly thread'?" 17 demanded of Opium.
Opium gave her a funny look. "You mean this actually makes sense to you?"
"Quite true," said 17, and they happily settled down to watch John Sheridan and Jack Sparrow annoy everyone else by skipping around hand in hand singing nonsensical songs.
At the same time, Odo and Kira made eachother comfortable, while both QS and Bashir were flirting with Ezri.
Worf took Data and Geordi on a Trip to the Gamma Quadrant, but he didn't pay attention to where they were going and almost crashed into a sun.
Suddenly, it started snowing. Heavily. In less than two hours the entire thread was covered in six feet of snow. Everyone was buried within-- well, almost everyone.
"Well, it looks like Hell froze over," said Legolas, happily nancing on top of the snow. "Hey! Where did everybody go?"
A muffled "oof" came from the snow. Jack's eyeliner had saved him!
"All right Willow! Way to save...hey, where's Anya?" asked Tara. Willow had saved Xander, Spike, Buffy, and Tara.
"If I'de saved Anya, QS would have been saved, too" said WIllow. Legolas and Jack began singing becuase they were so happy to be alive:
"I feel pretty, Oh so Pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay" they sang.
The Scoobies joined in:
I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and free, I feel so pretty, I hardly can believe it's me"
Simultaneously, everybody not singing, including everyone who was dead, screamed 'SHUT UP!'
The volume of the shout was so loud that there was and avalanche in the Himalayas, miles and miles away.Dead silence followed. The Dead Silence continued....
until John Sheridan dropped a couple of nukes on Unimatrix One. The borg queen didn't like that move, so she sent 47 cubes at him.
Jack, Legolas, and the Scoobie gang decided it would be best to just give the Borg John Sheridan. So they did.Unfortunetly, the Borg Queen was Anya, and she brought along Quark Snyder. She took John, but he wouldnt stop singing:
"Cellophane, oh Mr. Cellophane, it should have been my name, oh Mr. Cellophane..." sang John. Borg Queen Anya kicked John, along with Quark Snyder, back to Jack, Legolas and the Scoobies. QS joined in with John's singing. Q popped in.
"SHUT UP THIS INFERNAL RACKET!" he said. And with that, QS and John were both sent to 20th century Broadway, where they had long and succesful careers as costume-trial stand-ins. Everyone thanked Q.
"You're welcome! You're welcome! You're welcome!" Q nanced around singing.
Legolas looked at Q with admiration. "Wow! You nance really well!" he said.
Q and Legolas looked at each other. There was something in the air....
Spike interupted the momentas Q nanced around more.
"Bloody hell! Q nances well? That bloke cant nance half as well as I can! Here I am, nancing in and out for 6 pages, and here Q comes and gets a pat on the back and a lolli!" said Spike, and Legolas pouty cutely. Q nanced more.
"Spike, I never knew! I mean, you love me and all." said Buffy.
"Well, yah, but still, I nance, just for fun," said Spike.
"Now look, I may not nance so well as you well-bred folks, but I darn well can look cool, and everyone wants me. Sorry it could never work out" Jack said to everyone.
"Um, I'm gay" said Tara, "Joss Whedon wrote that into BTVS"
"And I'm straight...except for that one ep" said Xander.
"Now that we've all come out of the closet," said John Sheridan, "I propose we hold a Mardi Gras and shoot this story straight into hell."
"Hear, hear!" cried the clamoring crowds, while in a corner, Opium was heard mumbling, "You mean this story isn't already in hell?"
Everyone was dancing like mad, and within the chaos...
"You see, I'm a fancy nancy guy, and Tara, how about we do a little wiggle- wagg...OW" said Jack, as Tara slapped him very hard.
Borg Queen Anya said,"Now that you have rid the universe of QS and John, will you be my boyfriend?" asked Anya of Q. Q accepted, and together Anya and Q started talking in the corner.
"Um, isnt there a plot still? Huh? Well?" asked Willow. When no one answered, she continued dancing with Xander.
Jack and Legolas continued to nance together in non-sexual contexts, ignoring the conversations around them...
....which, very strangely, happened to be about jellybeans.
"Jellybeans? Jellybeans? What next, giant killer tomatoes?" wailed Opium.
"Don't jinx it!" exclaimed the Borg Queen.
"Too late," giggled 17 maniacally.
"Yes, too late," said Sleepy Smurf. He went to his mushroom and went to sleep.
"But I wanted to play chess with you. What am I going to do now?" said 17.
Right then, everyone said, "I will play!"
"Gee, it looks like we are going to have to narrow down by having a contest," said 17.
"I will make it.... a wet t-shirt contest!" she announced.
All the guys whooped. 17 rolled her eyes. "Men..."
"But only if the guys take their shirts of first" said Willow.
Spike and Xander whipped their shirts off, and Legolas and Jack followed. Q thankfully declined, instead of turning into a younger guy.
"I'll get the hose!" said Tara. "Hey, wait a minute! This is character asasination! On BTVS I played a cool, shy, nice lesbian, not a sleazy guy- wannabe!
Just then, Legolas and Jack started nancing and dancing shirtless, and that was cool, but still didnt give the story a plot. Something had to be said.
"Q, there is something I have to tell you" said Anya."I'm pregnant with your baby!"
"But, Anya...how do you know it's not mine?" said Jack.
"Jack! I though you were MINE!" said...
...JS.
Just then, some soap opera music started playing, causing everyone to look around. All of a sudden, Anya's baby was 10 years old. "Aha, he looks like Q, but then again, he looks like Jack," said Anya, who felt light all of a sudden from the lack of baby weight.
"I think our sperm had a duel, but noone won, so they compromised," said Jack.
"So, who's the Daddy?" asked Q.
"You are Q, why don't you tell us? You are the all wise being of the universe,"said Picard.
"Well, There is only one thing I cannot control in the universe, and that is Soap Operas," said Q while looking down at the ground.
Then 17 interrupted, "Hello, anyone here? What about the contest?
"Oh, shut up," said Sheridan, and he proceeded to shut 17 up by hosing her down.
"Excuse me, you dingbat nutcase!" 17 spluttered. "And I'm not even wearing a see-through T-shirt!" She proceeded to take her revenge by slapping a large cream pie in Sheridan's face.
Anya's kid laughed at all the fun and decided to join in the pie-throwing.
"Argh!" exclaimed Opium, "You're wasting all the pie on bloody JOHN SHERIDAN?"
"He's not worth it, don't you know that?" Buffy fell in.
"Besides, he's dead" Opium said.
"Do you have a problem with dead people?" Buffy asked Opium, "I died too, you know. Twice."
"You did? Oh, right, then you're not worth it either. Therefor, I'm NOT going to throw pie at you." Opium said.
"Really? Not even if I do this?" asked Buffy, as she put an apple pie up Opium's face.
...and Opium woke up. With pie on her face.
"Sorry, I didnt realize Tara and Willow put sleeping potion in the pie, to be used if John starting talking" said Buffy, as Willow, Xander,Anya and Tara pied Buffy with a huge pie.
There was another flash, and OJake appeared with Arwen.
"I thought, hello, we have Legolas, why not Arwen-she's my girlfriend." said OJake.
"But...cant we have Aragorn?" said Legolas.
"Where am I? Legolas...nice to see you! So i'm in the Sci-Fi-Con, eh? said Aragorn.
"Hi Aragorn" said Arwen. Aragorn, however, had started talking to Jack and Legolas, and ignored Arwen. 17 shook her head. So Spike and Buffy kissed, causing 17 to shake even more.
"That's it, I'm out of here!" said 17. "Spike/Buffy... pie... getting hosed down by bloody JOHN SHERIDAN... I'm off to Minbar for a long deserved holiday!" And she took the next available flight to the homeworld of the Minbari Federation.
When 17 finally reached Minbari Prime, she was in disbelief that the planet was celebrating Pi day. People were going around wearing Pi shirts, reciting the numbers of pi, even pi throwing contests.
Meanwhile, everyone was having too much fun watching Spike/Buffy kiss to notice that 17 was gone.
On a whim, Q decided it would be a good idea to beam everybody into the cold vacumn of space.
So he did.
And thus everybody died.
"Q, you have failed" said Picard, who was sitting in a floating isometric set peice.
"But I was testing humans, not the other way around!" said Q.
"Not here, in the Sci-Fi-Con." said Picard. Picard got up, and Q was sent back.
"Aragorn! Dont you see me?" said Arwen.
"Yes, but I am in presence of a Prince and a Pirate, so I must talk to them" said Aragorn.
"Don't worry" said Xander to Arwen," Aragorn will come around".
"Xander!" said Willow, before she was caught by the PG13 police.
"Hey, what about the plot?" said Tara.
"Oh, right...Q! Jack! Which one of you is going to marry me?" said Anya. Q went on one knee to propose. But Jack...
had his eye on Tara.
Tara, of course, being gay, didn't notice him at all and kept playing with a girl she found in outer space.
Meanwhile, 17 shot + pi pi-wearing Minbari out of pure rage. She suddenly found she liked pie better, and wanted to return. However, she missed the flight by just pi minutes.
Then OJake woke up and realized that at least the last three posts had been no more than a dream.
So he went and had 17's name legally changed to Sue.
Meanwhile, NAHTMMM went into deep and violently frightened hiding as he considered the possibilities inherent in hiding behind Zeke and inducing 17 to keep exclaiming at him until she let multiple !'s slip, then running away before the carnage began. This was legal since this is his second post of the day and so doesn't count either.
"Q! You have failed. Miserably. Again. You are the weakest Q" said Picard. Everything had time-traveled back to the end of Opium's last paragraph.
"Q, you have let forumgoers do all sort of naughty things!" said Crusher.
"I'm just Q! I'm not OJake!" said Q, miserably. Meanwhile, a curfufle broke out among Spike, Jack, Legolas and Aragorn over who nanced the best.
"Boys,boys, there's only nancer, and that's Spike!" said Buffy, as B/S kissed.
"And did everyone forget about my child?" said Anya.
"Yes, you're a B-plot, get used to it!" said Willow.
"Um, look" said Tara, as the forumgoers threw e-pies at each other," Look, get along for Zeke's sake! Us poor Sci-Fi-Conners are getting dizzy from all this time/sleep travel!"
"Has anybody seen OJake lately?" asked Tara.
"Yes, he was right there just a minute ago waking up from--" Q said.
"No he wasn't" Xander interupted him.
"Oh, right. Wrong timeline" Q said.
Meanwhile, 17 had tied NAH to a chair with duranium chains and was slowly torturing him by making him watch endless re-runs of Keanu Reeves' old movies.
"Kill me! Kill me now!" screamed NAH, as Speed went into it's 157th replay.
"But we've only just started," said 17, with an evil glint in her eye.
NeoMatrix dashed into the room. "Holy smokes!" he panted, "There's a bunch of FBI agents coming this way, to find out who this mysterious '17' person is!"
"Let them eat cake," said Sue dismissively, mainly because the writer couldn't think of any better quotes at the moment. "Federal agents' efforts are hopelessly futile."
"They've got the CJP with them too!" Neo added.
"Oh no!" Sue exclaimed in a flurry of panic. "I knew I should never have made that 'chili dog' comment!"
17 beamed NAH over to Z'Ha'Dum and dropped a couple of nukes on his head. "End of story," she said smugly, and decided to begin the story anew.
"It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, an dark figure appeared on the horizon..."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH" said OJake, as the figure came closer.
"What is it?" asked Arwen.
"I had this really bad dream that I wasnt in control of the story anymore!" said OJake, just as Aragorn, Legolas and Jack Sparrow started singing showtunes and nancing and dancing and watching "Runaway Bride". Spike and Buffy kissed like bunnies, and Tara randomly slapped Jack whenever he looked her way. Q and Anya ate chilli and cheesedogs, and OJake screamed again.
"What the??? Everything is nuts and crazy and strange, and my magic typewriter is gone! Who is Neomatrix? Who is 17? Who are they?" asked OJake.
"We are the Forumgoers. Restistence is Futile". said the goers. Unfortunately, the story had joined Topic Title in the shadowy realms of the quasi-sentient and refused to be started over. So, while OJake whimpered about his bad dream and everyone else nanced and stuff, The Sue Formerly Known As 17 was not able to escape the consequences of forgetting just how thick and hard NAHTMMM's skull is.
Sure enough, the nukes bounced off his head and actually rebounded back into orbit, where they made a mess of Sue's spaceship's exterior color scheme.
"Aargh!" Sue howled, as alarms went off all over her ship, "Now I'll have to paint it all over again!"
Q and Borg Queen Anya attacked NAHTMMM's skull, too.
"What's going over there, a little spat?" asked Jack.
"We must let them find patience within themselves to stop fighting" said Legolas.
"Yes, and Runaway Bride is not over yet" said Aragorn.
Arwen, Spike, Xander, Willow and Buffy had all gotten very sick of all the topic-jumping, and had started playing poker with kittens instead of caring what was going on.
"What the???" asked Picard,"I thought we had escaped this!"
"Yes, dear, we had..but for some reason we keep coming back" said Crusher
"Red sock blue sock orange sock pink sock" said Data, as Geordi, Worf, Riker, and Troi tried to shut him up.
Q started to play showtunes again. Everyone started dancing and singing with Data.
"I just love how humans are easy to manipulate"
"Im not human." Data said.
"Neither am I," said Legolas. "I just love dancing."
Meanwhile, Arwen, Spike, Xander, Willow and Buffy were in another room playing poker still.
"I hear music," said Buffy. "Music makes me get in the Vampire slaying mood."
So Buffy runs off to kill some Vampires.
The rest follow her.
"Meow, and I was winning too," said one of the kittens.
"Lets go dance and sing," said one of the other kittens.
"Ok," said the rest of the 17 kittens. And they all left the room and started singing and dancing.
They sang so loud that even through the vacuum of space, some people with good ears, back at Deep Space 9, got the song in their heads, even though they didn't notice any singing. However, they started singing the songs too, and after a while, everybody at Deep Space 9 was singing it.
"That's enough" said...
...Picard, who was getting really angry," I'm a MAIN CHARACTER and I'm being treated like OJake or Anya!"
"It's really not good to insult the people with..." said Crusher.
She was interupted by OJake, who started writing, and Anya, who started to yell.
"I am the Borg Queen! I can kick you back into Locutus-land!" she said.
"No, you cant" said OJake,"I just wrote you are now just a demon!
"But...Q will help. Where is Q?" said Anya.
Meanwhile...as much nancing and dancing went on,
"I think there is another dancing demon because Q just burned up!" said Spike, as Jack, Legolas, Aragorn and two others started singing "YMCA" in costume.
