A/N: I own none of this. Just to make that clear.
WARNING: Sex changes, Mary-Sue's, and gratuitous weirdness.
BOOM.
Something blew up.
Then, tranqulity...A blank white screen.
Running,running.
John Sheridan was running .
"WhereamI? WhereamI?"
Echoing into the distance...
"Delenn?Kosh?Anyone?"he asked, as he slowed to a walk
A sudden flash of colour.
Pink. Blue. Red.
John looked up, in horror,at a giant cake descending upon his head....
The Piealith was back for revenge. Josie did not come and warn them like last time. It looked like certain DOOM this time. There were no pies ready and everyone was too drunk to do anything about it.
John was hit by the pie. He died instantly, but the death scene was not implicint enough and left room for the possibility that he would come back.
Everyone cheered. Picard, Crusher, Troi, Riker, Worf, Geordie, and Data, along with Willow, Xander, Buffy, Spike, Tara and Anya, and OJake, all cheered. Legolas let a sinle tear fall down his cheek. Aragorn did a whole "brother, king, annoying redshirt" speech. Jack Sparrow passed around rum and pie. Everyone was glad to have the pie, as all the dancing, nancing, prancing and singing had left them hungry.
"Well, we've quelched the Sci-Fi-Con Big Bad" said Tara.
"But what about me?" said Khan, "I have not yet succeeded in giving everyone gender change surgery!"...menacing music sounded, and some DOOM or MOOD ensued...
... as everyone underwent gender change surgery.
Xander was glad to be male again. Willow, still liking girls, wasn't gay anymore. Everyone else was. Q didn't like looking like a woman, and tried to turn back to being male, but he couldn't. There was a flash and he was gone, back to the Q-Continuum to see if anybody there could help him.
John Sheridan screamed like a girl. Crusher pounded her into dust. Picard put on a pink dress. Torres and Seven wrestled in the WWE. Aragorn spent days preening her hair. John Crichton screamed like a girl. Aeryn pounded her into dust. Josie mooed his poor heart out. 17 was murdered for blatant sexism and betraying the feminist cause. Essential amino acids danced a happy dance.
Secretly, Tara and Willow where working on a way to turn Xander back into a girl, because Willow really loved him, and Xander was pathetic without Willow.
OJake gave up on character, plot, and story writing, and became a writer for "Enterprise".
Once Xander was a girl again, people started to know how to get the potion.
"Yes, on of us needs it!" said Aragorna and Legolas together.
"Let's not think about that subject, I need more rum and coke" said Jacklin. Anya raged over the loss of the hot guys, and insisted at least some of them where returned.
Q was weeping over how Tara and Willow where so much more powerful than him. So he summoned the Ultimate Big Bads to punish them...Wesley Crusher, Chakotey, Quark Snyder and...
Torres.
Meanwhile, Xander, even though was a girl again, complained that the potion did not give her boobs back. She cried, "Im not me without my boobs." She then goes off to find a Boob enlargement potion. She actually found it quickly. She found the potion in a Spam email message. She was happy again.
Jack found some rum and coke in the pantry.
The Big Bads couldn't punish Tara and Willow unless they had a written 5 year contract with Q. Also, to make things worse, Chakotay had a friendship contract with Tara.
And so they all killed themselves. They went to the Happy Hunting Grounds, where...
they hunted happily. For two days. Then they were summoned back by Willow and his Urn of Osiris.
Willow wanted to watch them perform "Chicago", "Showboat", and of course, "The Theme from M*A*S*H". So s/he did.
Xander was delighted at this, and asked Willow to marry her(him). They wanted a big wedding, but became confused with all the gender switches, and so eloped.
"What the frell?" said Buffy, "I didnt get to wear a dress, er tux!"
"Yes, that was all part of my bad-bum plan!" said Khan.
Legolas and Aragorna were still fighting over who, if either, should be changed into a guy again. Even with his wise age, Legolas was totally confused and wiered out, esspecially by Jack Sparrow, who made a good woman.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" yelled OJake.
He had just realized Buffy didn't have super-powers anymore, because the Slayer is always a girl. Buffy himself hadn't found out yet, but soon would, because there was a big red demon coming at him.
"AAAARRRRRGH!" screamed Buffy as the monster pounced on him. There was a horrifying squelching sound...
...as the moster fell on Legolas's spiked heals and got very angry. The monster was really Khan in disguise, because a Khan in disguise "khan't" really see very well.
Meanwhile, Willow and Xander went on their honeymoon to Niagra Falls, where they met up with Anya and Q and had many quirky incedents, including the infamous "Dude, wheres my heart" incedent. Meanwhile, Legolas said,
"See, when you have spiked heals, you save lives. You simply have to where them sparilngly". Aragorna, Jacklin, and NeoMatrix all listened intently.
OJake started crying, as even though he pretended he didnt, he really did care where the plot was going.
He had conveniently lost his typewriter, and he couldn't write himself a new one, because he had lost his typewriter. All he could do now was to be just another character in the story.
And so the plot swirled around and around and around and around as someone flushed it down the toilet.
"Where is the plot going?" asked Catalina Marina.
"To the ocean!" crowed Opium.
"We're doomed, we have no plot whatsoever now," said NeoMatrix.
17 decided to gather the entire group, which is everyone that has ever been mentioned in forum. They ended up having to find a large stadium to hold everyone.
NeoMatrix gets up to the mike and addresses the crowd. "First of all, there is no spoon. Second, there are about a 1000 Piealiths heading here right now. They should be here in about 47 days. Lastly, John Sheridan has been kidnapped. As you know, he is the only one that can stop the Piealiths."
OJake stood up.
"We know you've kidnapped John! We know it was you" said OJake.
"No, it wasnt" said NeoMatrix.
"Oh yes it was" said the crowd.
"Oh no it wasnt!" said NeoMatrix.
"Oh yes it was! Why else would you be driving a cargo van?" said Aragorn
17, clearly shocked, went over to the van. Alas, there was John, along with OJake's typewriter, the spoon, and much pie.
"NeoMatrix, you've been sabatoging the plot all along!" said 17.
"Well, it wasnt just me," said NeoMatrix, "John and OJake helped too!"
John spoke up and told everyone that he was the one who staged the whole kidnapping thing. However, he did not say who helped him. Everyone stopped arguing with each other and turned towards John.
"How could you do this? It was an innocent spoon," said OJake.
"And as you see, my van is parked over there, and has 'Neo is the One' written on the side. This one has '17 is the One'," said NeoMatrix.
"This isn't my van. Mine says "John Rules" on it," said 17.
"Then who's van is it?" said Legolas.
"For one thing, they have a crush on 17," said Ojake.
Everyone looked at John.
"I don't even own a van," John protested. "I rode my motorcycle here."
"But you don't have a motorcycle," 17 told John.
"I know, I stole it from Garibaldi," replied John.
"Thief! Plunderer! Philistine!" howled NeoMatrix, and he started clubbing John on the head with a baguette stolen from 17.
"Oh, that is SO it!" exclaimed 17. "First somebody vandalizes my van by spraypainting drabble all over it, and now somebody steals my Baguette of THWAPping? Someone in this story is going to DIE!"
She grabbed an extremely large Compression Phaser Rifle and pointed it at...
And then...Sisko, Giles, Joyce and Jadzia sitting in a newsroom.
"Welcome to Sci-FI-Con News, you newest news source" said Sisko.
"Today: What are the forumgoer politics?" said Joyce.
"What is the history behind John and OJake?" said Giles.
"Who is Anya's baby's dad? OJake? Q? Jack?" said Jadzia.
"In weather, chance of falling pies, good chance of BOOM's" said Sisko.
"Are 17 and NeoMatrix in love, or in competion?" said Joyce.
"Are John and OJake brothers in an evil alternate universe" said Giles.
"Could Jack really sleep with Anya after she slept with Q?" said Jadzia."Why did Khan sexchange people?And now back to whatever was here before...or not"
...John's motorcycle.
Nobody noticed because they were watching the news report.
"Wait a minute! We have never seen John before a couple of weeks ago, and he is already made a big impact here. Where did he come from? Is he some kind of spy?" said 17
"Well, I think he came from your dangerous imagination 17. You created him, made him immortal, and caused him to run loose in our lives. Its all you 17, and you must be the one to destoy him. Do us a favor and get rid of him with your mind." said NeoMatrix.
"Mwahahaha!" John laughed, as he dropped another nuke.
There were bodies everywhere.
"What happened?" 17 asked a random passer by.
"Haven't you heard yet?" was the freightened answer, "John Sheridan is bombing the Minbari homeworld, and rumors are, he's going for Cardassia Prime after that."
"He's slowly taking over the universe?" 17 asked.
"No, I don't think he's doing it slowly. And it's completely random. There's no telling where he will strike next."
"But you just said --"
"Those are rumors. They're probably not true."
"Right..."
Then, there was a loud sound, and all went black, as another nuke got dropped. "WHOA! I just had the weirdest dream!" 17 exclamed as she woke up.
"Welcome back to Sci-Fi-Con News, for this breaking story: Was it a dream, or did a nuke really just hit the stadium" said Sisko.,"Jadzia is on the prowl to investigate."
"Well Sisko, there seems to be a problem getting anywhere close to the stadium, because there are road blocks and "nuclear hazard" signs everywhere. Thankfully, Odo has gone in to investigate" said Jadzia.
"I'm here from the centre of the disaster,talking to Xander, Willow, and Tara" said Odo.
"Well, there was this big load sound, and we were okay, but... "said Tara
"At least it got John, and OJake to!" said Xander.
And from the newsroom, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Sisko.
"But I did manage to save OJake, although it meant letting John die" said Willow
John was quite alright, but he couldn't find any of his 'friends'. He didn't care, though, because he was in a paradise. Delenn was there too. It was either seven years ago, or a couple of centuries into the future. He was in some sort of Nexus.
Xander and Willow were glad to be rid of John Sheridan again.
"Welcome back to the news, as we answer the question,"Why are we so bored Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturadays and Mondays" said Sisko.
"That's a stupid question.*stares* Just kidding" said Jadzia.
"The reason is simply. Nothing new can be added these days, so we end up singing showtunes, dancing and nancing" said Joyce. "It's sort of like Chakotay on Voyager
"How dare you...did you say Chakotay? Never mind, insult on" said 17.
"Yes, with OJake ill,we must rely on the creativity of the forumgoers" said Sisko.
"Yah, well, with all the essays, monologues, and scenes, all you get is this newscast" said Opium.
And with that,the newsroom team did the Happy Hamster dance.
John woke up with a bad headache.
"Man, that was one weird nightmare I had. Why do I keep dreaming about nuking my friends? Why was everyone at that stadium?" asked John to himself.
John looks around and sees he is not at home. Instead, he is on an island with peaceful natives.
"Where am I?" asked John.
"You were sent here to be cured," said a native.
"Cured from what?" asked John.
"It appears you have 2 personalities. When you get angry, you lose control and causes your evil self to take over," said the native.
"You mean I am the one that keeps nuking innocent people?" asked John
"Yep," said the native.
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" John screamed and ran around the island in circles having hysterics.
With that scream, John woke up quickly and saw that he wasn't on the island anymore, but back at the train station. He had passed out on the train waiting for it to leave the station.
"Whoa, that was one weird dream. Wait, didn't I say that in my dream?" said John to himself.
John looked around at the other passengers on the train. The native that spoke to John in his dream was sitting across from him reading a newspaper. The front page had a picture of NeoMatrix and 17 speaking at some conference in a stadium. There was a picture on the wall of the train of the island in his dream. Plus an ad on white vans.
"Was I really dreaming?" asked John.
"No," said the girl next to him, "You just appeared, just like--"
"Yes," said the native, "You were really dreaming."
"I don't know what's real and what's not anymore!" he cried out. "I've lived and died so many times that I've lost count. All my days have blended into the nights. I can't tell the difference between waking and sleeping anymore. I'm so tired, I just want to end it all, and end it now!"
The girl looked at him sadly and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, John."
She took a cristal boll out of her pocket and showed John a few of the people he's met in the last couple of months. Willow and Xander flashed by, kissing, while Tara was looking at them jealously. Then OJake came into view.
"He's trying to figure it all out too," said the girl. "And failing," she said after a short pause. "You see, there is no plot, and he still doesn't get that."
"But what does that have to do with me?"
"You must look beyond the obvious."
"What's obvious?" John asked, "I'm having these strange dreams which aren't dreams, and I keep dying and coming back. I just want to die... I mean stop dying... Stop living!"
"John, that cant happen," said a voice from the dark. "You see, John, you are here. You cant get out. Poor OJake, he is stuck to, not dying but not quite living. Please understand" Tara said, stepping out from the dark.
"But how CAN I? You keep me here, and all I get to do is DIE!" said John
"You are-how can I put this-you are a punching bag. Everyone's frustrations over midterms, overdue bills, etc, is released through killing you" Tara said.
"Then why cant it be OJake? Legolas? Jack? Xander? Spike?" said John.
"Because they are all interesting, cool, and at least sorta cute, to totally hot" said the Girl.
"You are ours, but one day you will go back to syndication" said Tara.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled John.
"It is the way of the world," she said. "You must accept it."
"No! Leave me alone! I don't want to die anymore; I don't want to be a part of this story anymore! Let me out! Let me out!"
John slammed his fist into Tara's midsection and began running. He ran for a long time, and the mocking laughter of the forumgoers followed him everywhere he went. The laughter was not loud enough to be obvious, but it was always there, echoing at the periphery of his perceptions, trailing him like a persistent demon.
"Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"
So the mountain he happened to be running over left him alone.
By some odd coincidence, with which O'Pipp surely had nothing to do, Jonas happened to be transported to the newly-vacated spot of ground directly beneath John just moments before a new largish dent in the landscape appeared, with the result being a pair of simultaneous grisly deaths.
One of the forumgoers put another quarter in the machine. Sure enough, another John Sheridan appeared some yards away, still dazed from his fall to DOOM!.
"I..must get..those quarters," said John.
John picks up a phone and calls Mario.
"Hey Mario, I need your help. I keep dying, then coming back like nothing happened. How did you get out of that curse?" asked John.
"Is this Luigi? Please don't tell me you are still stuck at that Mansion," said Mario.
"No, this is John Sheridan," said John.
"Oh! I will be right over," said Mario.
But, on the way, Mario was struck with a lawsuit that said video games harmed children, and he could not come to John. So John sadly returned to the island with Girl and Tara.
"Why is life so hard?" he asked, "Even Mario cant come to my aid!"
"Look, you think you have it tough?" asked Tara," Willow is with Xander, and I cant go with anyone because it would be slash! And OJake, well..." OJake was on the island.
"Plot. Must. Save. The. Plot," he said,"John, help me save the plot! Please!"
"I think...I think this IS a plot!" said John. OJake was cured, and he danced around. Unfortunelty, he accidently hit John into a cavern. John died.
"Oops, I'll just write him back" said OJake, as he took out his typewriter."let's see, how about...Jack Sparrow saves him!" Everyone groaned.
Colored fragments of dreams began drifting from the sky like the first slow leaves of autumn. Curled up on the ground like a newborn child, John felt the weightless flakes descending upon him.
He didn't care. He was beyond caring; he was too tired to bother about what would happen to him next. There was no point, for he had realized that nothing he did could change a thing. Nothing in the world could free his fate from the puppet controls of whoever was writing the story. All he wanted was for consciousness to leave him alone so that peace could finally know him.
And in the silence, the shards of dreams continued falling.
Legolas came, and Aragorn and Jack, all very happy, dancing and prancing and singing along, practices archery and sword fighting. OJake and Kira were happily eating a picnic with Willow and Xander, QS and 17.
Data was talking about socks with a cow named Josie, and Geordie was trying to make a computer from potato chips, and Picard and Crusher ate crosants at a roadside cafe.
Wesley and Worf played chess, jealusly watching Riker and Troi make chocolate cheesecake. Tasha Yar was in paradise afterlife.
Bashir and Dax were discussing the psycology of Klingons, while Odo entertained the locals with changing tricks. Obrien, Nog, Leta and Rom played Bridge.
And John was sure everyone was plotting agaist him, even in his own dreams.
John found himself on a big giant couch with a Tv in front of him. He picked up the remote and turned on the tv. The Twilight Zone was on, and the episode began something like this: "John Sheridan led a normal life, until one day he started dying every day."
"Am I dreaming, or am I on an episode of the Twilight Zone?" asked John Sheridan to himself.
Just then, he heard the theme song to the twilight zone coming out of nowhere.
And then a gunshot, and then silence.
John looked at the growing crimson pool around his feet with interest. It looked a lot like blood.
It didn't take him very long to realize that it actually was blood. And it took him even less time to realize that it was his own.
After that, there was a incredbly brief interval between his body slumping and his body hitting the floor.
And after that, life went on as usual, except this time without the creepy theme music.
"Ooooh, so that's how well I am when I'm filled with rum" said Jack Sparrow.
"I think, I think you KILLED him!" said a shocked Legolas.
"Dont worry, OJake is writing me healing him" said Aragorn.
And John was healed.
"What? Why, you were in my DREAMS, you're not real!" said John.
"If we arent real then you arent alive" said Aragorn. John punched him.
"Wait! Aragorn, you cant hurt John this post!" said Picard.
Crusher rushed in, and treated Aragorn's black eye.
"Please, let me have some fun and food and drink. PLEASE!" said John. So everyone from the last 10 posts played Bingo. But the prize was...
...to be able to freely escape OJake's power over writing their life.
A certain character from the Mainframe of Matrix, which I cannot mention until Sunday, said to John, "The reason you cannot die is because you are stuck in the matrix. There was a glitch that we cannot fix without resetting the whole matrix."
"Then reset the matrix!" cried John, "Or get me out of it! I just want to die!"
"No can do. That would solve our major plot line, and the story is far from over."
"At least when you die, you come back as yourself" said Data." I am B4! I talk about socks. SOCKS! I could be used in many plot-defining ways! But SOCKS it is!
"You are computer. I am a human being, I think," said John." When it was said, 'My only regret is I have but one lfie to give for my country', they did not mean THIS!"
"But you provide an outlet from analytic English courses that debate everything, but wont help with dysexic spelling!" said Tara," You are a fictional character;your purpose is clear. How about a game of Monopoly?"
"Did I hear a Monopoly forming?" asked QS. Someone hit him.
"But they will only be a temporary escape, like hitting QS! I need ESCAPE! With captitals!" said John
The Architect and John met again.
"I'm afraid was a little short with you last time we met," said the Architect.
"Yeah, just a little," said John.
"Well, to tell you the truth, I am your father. I created you, then programmed you so you would never die by natural causes."
"WHAT!?!" screamed John is disbelief.
"However, I did create a way for you to be deleted, but the controller is kept in a very safe place so nobody would delete you by accident."
"Where is this controller?" asked John.
"I don't remember."
"You can't not remember," shouted John. "You're the Architect! You built this place! You know where everything is!"
"No," said the Architect slowly, "that's a myth, that I built this place. I am just the caretaker, the gardener who prunes the leaves, who removes the weeds, who waters the shrubbery. But who created this garden? Nobody knows."
"If I find that person, will I be able to find a way out of here?"
"Perhaps. But nobody has ever seen him. Perhaps he is just a myth, or perhaps he is impossible to find for us who are trapped in the Matrix."
"Nothing is impossible, not here," said John, and in that moment he knew he would find this creator. "And I will find a way out; it will be the last thing that I ever do here."
"Actually, there are impossible things" said OJake."You can not leave us."
"But I MUST! I MUST be able to be FREE!" said OJake.
Tara came into the room and said:
"You are free, here, you are free to go anywhere, do anything, date anyone here. You just havent tried. Sure, Legolas, Jack, Aragron, Willow, Xander, Spike, QS, Data, etc-they may pop up and kill you, but you will come back. You ARE free, remember that."
"Can I date you?" asked John.
"Um...I've got to go...write an exam" said Tara, as she ran out of the room.
"What about you, hiding behind The Achitect's chair?" asked John.
"Okay, I will date you" said the person hiding behind The Achitect's chair.
So John and this mysterious person go on a date. John seems to be happy now. In fact, he realized we wasn't dying every post anymore.
"It seems that love is the cure to me not dying. As long as I love people, I will not die. The reason why I have been dying so much lately is because I have been a very hating person," thought John.
The midnight bells rung, which alarmed the mysterious person.
All of a sudden, she was gone without a trace.
Then John died...again.
But even as he fell into darkness, he heard a voice in his head saying, "Sleep, and I will catch you if you fall."
"Delenn!" he cried out. He reached his hands towards the slate-gray skies as the light began to fade...
...and as he fell, he felt peaceful. Then he awoke, back with the crowd.
"I was happy! And I was on a date!" said John."And then-I died."
"Yes, you did. It's as if you have The One Ring" said Legolas. Then...
a strange sound. Jack Swallow shot at the sound, but was drunk and missed.
"I'm...I'm not dead!" said John.
"No, no you are not" said Tara," The Writer had no reason to kill you today."
"No, but I have reason! I should be the centre of all fanfic!" and Aragorn stabbed John.
"Fine, I'll die again, but know, Aragorn Strider etc, I WILL be back" said John.
"That's sort of the point, isnt it?" said Jack.
"Yes, I suppose it is," said John, and he slumped over and died.
He woke up again at 6am on the same day...again.
"Look, I understand you may die again soon, so can we finish up our date?" said The Mystery Date," I really had a good time."
"I agree, we really neeed a romantic subplot" said OJake,"This just isnt melodramatic enough yet."
And so, John and The Mystery Date finished up their date. That night, they had their second date. They went to see "The White Stripes", then went to dinner in a swank club, and finished up the date strolling The Sea Wall in Stanley Park at dawn.
"This was lovely" said T.M.D.," Now if only you didnt die so much and I had a name"
"I'm afraid I can't do much for the former," said John, as teardrops fell from the sky. "But as for the latter..."
He leaned towards her, and even as the gentle rain embraced them in its arms, whispered her name in her ear.
"Delenn..."
Various 'shippers promptly swooned.
BOOM.
Something blew up.
Then, tranqulity...A blank white screen.
Running,running.
John Sheridan was running .
"WhereamI? WhereamI?"
Echoing into the distance...
"Delenn?Kosh?Anyone?"he asked, as he slowed to a walk
A sudden flash of colour.
Pink. Blue. Red.
John looked up, in horror,at a giant cake descending upon his head....
The Piealith was back for revenge. Josie did not come and warn them like last time. It looked like certain DOOM this time. There were no pies ready and everyone was too drunk to do anything about it.
John was hit by the pie. He died instantly, but the death scene was not implicint enough and left room for the possibility that he would come back.
Everyone cheered. Picard, Crusher, Troi, Riker, Worf, Geordie, and Data, along with Willow, Xander, Buffy, Spike, Tara and Anya, and OJake, all cheered. Legolas let a sinle tear fall down his cheek. Aragorn did a whole "brother, king, annoying redshirt" speech. Jack Sparrow passed around rum and pie. Everyone was glad to have the pie, as all the dancing, nancing, prancing and singing had left them hungry.
"Well, we've quelched the Sci-Fi-Con Big Bad" said Tara.
"But what about me?" said Khan, "I have not yet succeeded in giving everyone gender change surgery!"...menacing music sounded, and some DOOM or MOOD ensued...
... as everyone underwent gender change surgery.
Xander was glad to be male again. Willow, still liking girls, wasn't gay anymore. Everyone else was. Q didn't like looking like a woman, and tried to turn back to being male, but he couldn't. There was a flash and he was gone, back to the Q-Continuum to see if anybody there could help him.
John Sheridan screamed like a girl. Crusher pounded her into dust. Picard put on a pink dress. Torres and Seven wrestled in the WWE. Aragorn spent days preening her hair. John Crichton screamed like a girl. Aeryn pounded her into dust. Josie mooed his poor heart out. 17 was murdered for blatant sexism and betraying the feminist cause. Essential amino acids danced a happy dance.
Secretly, Tara and Willow where working on a way to turn Xander back into a girl, because Willow really loved him, and Xander was pathetic without Willow.
OJake gave up on character, plot, and story writing, and became a writer for "Enterprise".
Once Xander was a girl again, people started to know how to get the potion.
"Yes, on of us needs it!" said Aragorna and Legolas together.
"Let's not think about that subject, I need more rum and coke" said Jacklin. Anya raged over the loss of the hot guys, and insisted at least some of them where returned.
Q was weeping over how Tara and Willow where so much more powerful than him. So he summoned the Ultimate Big Bads to punish them...Wesley Crusher, Chakotey, Quark Snyder and...
Torres.
Meanwhile, Xander, even though was a girl again, complained that the potion did not give her boobs back. She cried, "Im not me without my boobs." She then goes off to find a Boob enlargement potion. She actually found it quickly. She found the potion in a Spam email message. She was happy again.
Jack found some rum and coke in the pantry.
The Big Bads couldn't punish Tara and Willow unless they had a written 5 year contract with Q. Also, to make things worse, Chakotay had a friendship contract with Tara.
And so they all killed themselves. They went to the Happy Hunting Grounds, where...
they hunted happily. For two days. Then they were summoned back by Willow and his Urn of Osiris.
Willow wanted to watch them perform "Chicago", "Showboat", and of course, "The Theme from M*A*S*H". So s/he did.
Xander was delighted at this, and asked Willow to marry her(him). They wanted a big wedding, but became confused with all the gender switches, and so eloped.
"What the frell?" said Buffy, "I didnt get to wear a dress, er tux!"
"Yes, that was all part of my bad-bum plan!" said Khan.
Legolas and Aragorna were still fighting over who, if either, should be changed into a guy again. Even with his wise age, Legolas was totally confused and wiered out, esspecially by Jack Sparrow, who made a good woman.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" yelled OJake.
He had just realized Buffy didn't have super-powers anymore, because the Slayer is always a girl. Buffy himself hadn't found out yet, but soon would, because there was a big red demon coming at him.
"AAAARRRRRGH!" screamed Buffy as the monster pounced on him. There was a horrifying squelching sound...
...as the moster fell on Legolas's spiked heals and got very angry. The monster was really Khan in disguise, because a Khan in disguise "khan't" really see very well.
Meanwhile, Willow and Xander went on their honeymoon to Niagra Falls, where they met up with Anya and Q and had many quirky incedents, including the infamous "Dude, wheres my heart" incedent. Meanwhile, Legolas said,
"See, when you have spiked heals, you save lives. You simply have to where them sparilngly". Aragorna, Jacklin, and NeoMatrix all listened intently.
OJake started crying, as even though he pretended he didnt, he really did care where the plot was going.
He had conveniently lost his typewriter, and he couldn't write himself a new one, because he had lost his typewriter. All he could do now was to be just another character in the story.
And so the plot swirled around and around and around and around as someone flushed it down the toilet.
"Where is the plot going?" asked Catalina Marina.
"To the ocean!" crowed Opium.
"We're doomed, we have no plot whatsoever now," said NeoMatrix.
17 decided to gather the entire group, which is everyone that has ever been mentioned in forum. They ended up having to find a large stadium to hold everyone.
NeoMatrix gets up to the mike and addresses the crowd. "First of all, there is no spoon. Second, there are about a 1000 Piealiths heading here right now. They should be here in about 47 days. Lastly, John Sheridan has been kidnapped. As you know, he is the only one that can stop the Piealiths."
OJake stood up.
"We know you've kidnapped John! We know it was you" said OJake.
"No, it wasnt" said NeoMatrix.
"Oh yes it was" said the crowd.
"Oh no it wasnt!" said NeoMatrix.
"Oh yes it was! Why else would you be driving a cargo van?" said Aragorn
17, clearly shocked, went over to the van. Alas, there was John, along with OJake's typewriter, the spoon, and much pie.
"NeoMatrix, you've been sabatoging the plot all along!" said 17.
"Well, it wasnt just me," said NeoMatrix, "John and OJake helped too!"
John spoke up and told everyone that he was the one who staged the whole kidnapping thing. However, he did not say who helped him. Everyone stopped arguing with each other and turned towards John.
"How could you do this? It was an innocent spoon," said OJake.
"And as you see, my van is parked over there, and has 'Neo is the One' written on the side. This one has '17 is the One'," said NeoMatrix.
"This isn't my van. Mine says "John Rules" on it," said 17.
"Then who's van is it?" said Legolas.
"For one thing, they have a crush on 17," said Ojake.
Everyone looked at John.
"I don't even own a van," John protested. "I rode my motorcycle here."
"But you don't have a motorcycle," 17 told John.
"I know, I stole it from Garibaldi," replied John.
"Thief! Plunderer! Philistine!" howled NeoMatrix, and he started clubbing John on the head with a baguette stolen from 17.
"Oh, that is SO it!" exclaimed 17. "First somebody vandalizes my van by spraypainting drabble all over it, and now somebody steals my Baguette of THWAPping? Someone in this story is going to DIE!"
She grabbed an extremely large Compression Phaser Rifle and pointed it at...
And then...Sisko, Giles, Joyce and Jadzia sitting in a newsroom.
"Welcome to Sci-FI-Con News, you newest news source" said Sisko.
"Today: What are the forumgoer politics?" said Joyce.
"What is the history behind John and OJake?" said Giles.
"Who is Anya's baby's dad? OJake? Q? Jack?" said Jadzia.
"In weather, chance of falling pies, good chance of BOOM's" said Sisko.
"Are 17 and NeoMatrix in love, or in competion?" said Joyce.
"Are John and OJake brothers in an evil alternate universe" said Giles.
"Could Jack really sleep with Anya after she slept with Q?" said Jadzia."Why did Khan sexchange people?And now back to whatever was here before...or not"
...John's motorcycle.
Nobody noticed because they were watching the news report.
"Wait a minute! We have never seen John before a couple of weeks ago, and he is already made a big impact here. Where did he come from? Is he some kind of spy?" said 17
"Well, I think he came from your dangerous imagination 17. You created him, made him immortal, and caused him to run loose in our lives. Its all you 17, and you must be the one to destoy him. Do us a favor and get rid of him with your mind." said NeoMatrix.
"Mwahahaha!" John laughed, as he dropped another nuke.
There were bodies everywhere.
"What happened?" 17 asked a random passer by.
"Haven't you heard yet?" was the freightened answer, "John Sheridan is bombing the Minbari homeworld, and rumors are, he's going for Cardassia Prime after that."
"He's slowly taking over the universe?" 17 asked.
"No, I don't think he's doing it slowly. And it's completely random. There's no telling where he will strike next."
"But you just said --"
"Those are rumors. They're probably not true."
"Right..."
Then, there was a loud sound, and all went black, as another nuke got dropped. "WHOA! I just had the weirdest dream!" 17 exclamed as she woke up.
"Welcome back to Sci-Fi-Con News, for this breaking story: Was it a dream, or did a nuke really just hit the stadium" said Sisko.,"Jadzia is on the prowl to investigate."
"Well Sisko, there seems to be a problem getting anywhere close to the stadium, because there are road blocks and "nuclear hazard" signs everywhere. Thankfully, Odo has gone in to investigate" said Jadzia.
"I'm here from the centre of the disaster,talking to Xander, Willow, and Tara" said Odo.
"Well, there was this big load sound, and we were okay, but... "said Tara
"At least it got John, and OJake to!" said Xander.
And from the newsroom, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" said Sisko.
"But I did manage to save OJake, although it meant letting John die" said Willow
John was quite alright, but he couldn't find any of his 'friends'. He didn't care, though, because he was in a paradise. Delenn was there too. It was either seven years ago, or a couple of centuries into the future. He was in some sort of Nexus.
Xander and Willow were glad to be rid of John Sheridan again.
"Welcome back to the news, as we answer the question,"Why are we so bored Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturadays and Mondays" said Sisko.
"That's a stupid question.*stares* Just kidding" said Jadzia.
"The reason is simply. Nothing new can be added these days, so we end up singing showtunes, dancing and nancing" said Joyce. "It's sort of like Chakotay on Voyager
"How dare you...did you say Chakotay? Never mind, insult on" said 17.
"Yes, with OJake ill,we must rely on the creativity of the forumgoers" said Sisko.
"Yah, well, with all the essays, monologues, and scenes, all you get is this newscast" said Opium.
And with that,the newsroom team did the Happy Hamster dance.
John woke up with a bad headache.
"Man, that was one weird nightmare I had. Why do I keep dreaming about nuking my friends? Why was everyone at that stadium?" asked John to himself.
John looks around and sees he is not at home. Instead, he is on an island with peaceful natives.
"Where am I?" asked John.
"You were sent here to be cured," said a native.
"Cured from what?" asked John.
"It appears you have 2 personalities. When you get angry, you lose control and causes your evil self to take over," said the native.
"You mean I am the one that keeps nuking innocent people?" asked John
"Yep," said the native.
"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" John screamed and ran around the island in circles having hysterics.
With that scream, John woke up quickly and saw that he wasn't on the island anymore, but back at the train station. He had passed out on the train waiting for it to leave the station.
"Whoa, that was one weird dream. Wait, didn't I say that in my dream?" said John to himself.
John looked around at the other passengers on the train. The native that spoke to John in his dream was sitting across from him reading a newspaper. The front page had a picture of NeoMatrix and 17 speaking at some conference in a stadium. There was a picture on the wall of the train of the island in his dream. Plus an ad on white vans.
"Was I really dreaming?" asked John.
"No," said the girl next to him, "You just appeared, just like--"
"Yes," said the native, "You were really dreaming."
"I don't know what's real and what's not anymore!" he cried out. "I've lived and died so many times that I've lost count. All my days have blended into the nights. I can't tell the difference between waking and sleeping anymore. I'm so tired, I just want to end it all, and end it now!"
The girl looked at him sadly and said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, John."
She took a cristal boll out of her pocket and showed John a few of the people he's met in the last couple of months. Willow and Xander flashed by, kissing, while Tara was looking at them jealously. Then OJake came into view.
"He's trying to figure it all out too," said the girl. "And failing," she said after a short pause. "You see, there is no plot, and he still doesn't get that."
"But what does that have to do with me?"
"You must look beyond the obvious."
"What's obvious?" John asked, "I'm having these strange dreams which aren't dreams, and I keep dying and coming back. I just want to die... I mean stop dying... Stop living!"
"John, that cant happen," said a voice from the dark. "You see, John, you are here. You cant get out. Poor OJake, he is stuck to, not dying but not quite living. Please understand" Tara said, stepping out from the dark.
"But how CAN I? You keep me here, and all I get to do is DIE!" said John
"You are-how can I put this-you are a punching bag. Everyone's frustrations over midterms, overdue bills, etc, is released through killing you" Tara said.
"Then why cant it be OJake? Legolas? Jack? Xander? Spike?" said John.
"Because they are all interesting, cool, and at least sorta cute, to totally hot" said the Girl.
"You are ours, but one day you will go back to syndication" said Tara.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled John.
"It is the way of the world," she said. "You must accept it."
"No! Leave me alone! I don't want to die anymore; I don't want to be a part of this story anymore! Let me out! Let me out!"
John slammed his fist into Tara's midsection and began running. He ran for a long time, and the mocking laughter of the forumgoers followed him everywhere he went. The laughter was not loud enough to be obvious, but it was always there, echoing at the periphery of his perceptions, trailing him like a persistent demon.
"Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!"
So the mountain he happened to be running over left him alone.
By some odd coincidence, with which O'Pipp surely had nothing to do, Jonas happened to be transported to the newly-vacated spot of ground directly beneath John just moments before a new largish dent in the landscape appeared, with the result being a pair of simultaneous grisly deaths.
One of the forumgoers put another quarter in the machine. Sure enough, another John Sheridan appeared some yards away, still dazed from his fall to DOOM!.
"I..must get..those quarters," said John.
John picks up a phone and calls Mario.
"Hey Mario, I need your help. I keep dying, then coming back like nothing happened. How did you get out of that curse?" asked John.
"Is this Luigi? Please don't tell me you are still stuck at that Mansion," said Mario.
"No, this is John Sheridan," said John.
"Oh! I will be right over," said Mario.
But, on the way, Mario was struck with a lawsuit that said video games harmed children, and he could not come to John. So John sadly returned to the island with Girl and Tara.
"Why is life so hard?" he asked, "Even Mario cant come to my aid!"
"Look, you think you have it tough?" asked Tara," Willow is with Xander, and I cant go with anyone because it would be slash! And OJake, well..." OJake was on the island.
"Plot. Must. Save. The. Plot," he said,"John, help me save the plot! Please!"
"I think...I think this IS a plot!" said John. OJake was cured, and he danced around. Unfortunelty, he accidently hit John into a cavern. John died.
"Oops, I'll just write him back" said OJake, as he took out his typewriter."let's see, how about...Jack Sparrow saves him!" Everyone groaned.
Colored fragments of dreams began drifting from the sky like the first slow leaves of autumn. Curled up on the ground like a newborn child, John felt the weightless flakes descending upon him.
He didn't care. He was beyond caring; he was too tired to bother about what would happen to him next. There was no point, for he had realized that nothing he did could change a thing. Nothing in the world could free his fate from the puppet controls of whoever was writing the story. All he wanted was for consciousness to leave him alone so that peace could finally know him.
And in the silence, the shards of dreams continued falling.
Legolas came, and Aragorn and Jack, all very happy, dancing and prancing and singing along, practices archery and sword fighting. OJake and Kira were happily eating a picnic with Willow and Xander, QS and 17.
Data was talking about socks with a cow named Josie, and Geordie was trying to make a computer from potato chips, and Picard and Crusher ate crosants at a roadside cafe.
Wesley and Worf played chess, jealusly watching Riker and Troi make chocolate cheesecake. Tasha Yar was in paradise afterlife.
Bashir and Dax were discussing the psycology of Klingons, while Odo entertained the locals with changing tricks. Obrien, Nog, Leta and Rom played Bridge.
And John was sure everyone was plotting agaist him, even in his own dreams.
John found himself on a big giant couch with a Tv in front of him. He picked up the remote and turned on the tv. The Twilight Zone was on, and the episode began something like this: "John Sheridan led a normal life, until one day he started dying every day."
"Am I dreaming, or am I on an episode of the Twilight Zone?" asked John Sheridan to himself.
Just then, he heard the theme song to the twilight zone coming out of nowhere.
And then a gunshot, and then silence.
John looked at the growing crimson pool around his feet with interest. It looked a lot like blood.
It didn't take him very long to realize that it actually was blood. And it took him even less time to realize that it was his own.
After that, there was a incredbly brief interval between his body slumping and his body hitting the floor.
And after that, life went on as usual, except this time without the creepy theme music.
"Ooooh, so that's how well I am when I'm filled with rum" said Jack Sparrow.
"I think, I think you KILLED him!" said a shocked Legolas.
"Dont worry, OJake is writing me healing him" said Aragorn.
And John was healed.
"What? Why, you were in my DREAMS, you're not real!" said John.
"If we arent real then you arent alive" said Aragorn. John punched him.
"Wait! Aragorn, you cant hurt John this post!" said Picard.
Crusher rushed in, and treated Aragorn's black eye.
"Please, let me have some fun and food and drink. PLEASE!" said John. So everyone from the last 10 posts played Bingo. But the prize was...
...to be able to freely escape OJake's power over writing their life.
A certain character from the Mainframe of Matrix, which I cannot mention until Sunday, said to John, "The reason you cannot die is because you are stuck in the matrix. There was a glitch that we cannot fix without resetting the whole matrix."
"Then reset the matrix!" cried John, "Or get me out of it! I just want to die!"
"No can do. That would solve our major plot line, and the story is far from over."
"At least when you die, you come back as yourself" said Data." I am B4! I talk about socks. SOCKS! I could be used in many plot-defining ways! But SOCKS it is!
"You are computer. I am a human being, I think," said John." When it was said, 'My only regret is I have but one lfie to give for my country', they did not mean THIS!"
"But you provide an outlet from analytic English courses that debate everything, but wont help with dysexic spelling!" said Tara," You are a fictional character;your purpose is clear. How about a game of Monopoly?"
"Did I hear a Monopoly forming?" asked QS. Someone hit him.
"But they will only be a temporary escape, like hitting QS! I need ESCAPE! With captitals!" said John
The Architect and John met again.
"I'm afraid was a little short with you last time we met," said the Architect.
"Yeah, just a little," said John.
"Well, to tell you the truth, I am your father. I created you, then programmed you so you would never die by natural causes."
"WHAT!?!" screamed John is disbelief.
"However, I did create a way for you to be deleted, but the controller is kept in a very safe place so nobody would delete you by accident."
"Where is this controller?" asked John.
"I don't remember."
"You can't not remember," shouted John. "You're the Architect! You built this place! You know where everything is!"
"No," said the Architect slowly, "that's a myth, that I built this place. I am just the caretaker, the gardener who prunes the leaves, who removes the weeds, who waters the shrubbery. But who created this garden? Nobody knows."
"If I find that person, will I be able to find a way out of here?"
"Perhaps. But nobody has ever seen him. Perhaps he is just a myth, or perhaps he is impossible to find for us who are trapped in the Matrix."
"Nothing is impossible, not here," said John, and in that moment he knew he would find this creator. "And I will find a way out; it will be the last thing that I ever do here."
"Actually, there are impossible things" said OJake."You can not leave us."
"But I MUST! I MUST be able to be FREE!" said OJake.
Tara came into the room and said:
"You are free, here, you are free to go anywhere, do anything, date anyone here. You just havent tried. Sure, Legolas, Jack, Aragron, Willow, Xander, Spike, QS, Data, etc-they may pop up and kill you, but you will come back. You ARE free, remember that."
"Can I date you?" asked John.
"Um...I've got to go...write an exam" said Tara, as she ran out of the room.
"What about you, hiding behind The Achitect's chair?" asked John.
"Okay, I will date you" said the person hiding behind The Achitect's chair.
So John and this mysterious person go on a date. John seems to be happy now. In fact, he realized we wasn't dying every post anymore.
"It seems that love is the cure to me not dying. As long as I love people, I will not die. The reason why I have been dying so much lately is because I have been a very hating person," thought John.
The midnight bells rung, which alarmed the mysterious person.
All of a sudden, she was gone without a trace.
Then John died...again.
But even as he fell into darkness, he heard a voice in his head saying, "Sleep, and I will catch you if you fall."
"Delenn!" he cried out. He reached his hands towards the slate-gray skies as the light began to fade...
...and as he fell, he felt peaceful. Then he awoke, back with the crowd.
"I was happy! And I was on a date!" said John."And then-I died."
"Yes, you did. It's as if you have The One Ring" said Legolas. Then...
a strange sound. Jack Swallow shot at the sound, but was drunk and missed.
"I'm...I'm not dead!" said John.
"No, no you are not" said Tara," The Writer had no reason to kill you today."
"No, but I have reason! I should be the centre of all fanfic!" and Aragorn stabbed John.
"Fine, I'll die again, but know, Aragorn Strider etc, I WILL be back" said John.
"That's sort of the point, isnt it?" said Jack.
"Yes, I suppose it is," said John, and he slumped over and died.
He woke up again at 6am on the same day...again.
"Look, I understand you may die again soon, so can we finish up our date?" said The Mystery Date," I really had a good time."
"I agree, we really neeed a romantic subplot" said OJake,"This just isnt melodramatic enough yet."
And so, John and The Mystery Date finished up their date. That night, they had their second date. They went to see "The White Stripes", then went to dinner in a swank club, and finished up the date strolling The Sea Wall in Stanley Park at dawn.
"This was lovely" said T.M.D.," Now if only you didnt die so much and I had a name"
"I'm afraid I can't do much for the former," said John, as teardrops fell from the sky. "But as for the latter..."
He leaned towards her, and even as the gentle rain embraced them in its arms, whispered her name in her ear.
"Delenn..."
Various 'shippers promptly swooned.
