A/N: I own nothing of this, am just borrowing it from the people who make
money from these franchises. I don't make money from this.
WARNING: Contains Nutella
Delenn and John decided to get married. Due to the strange life, er, deaths, er, lives of John, they flew to Las Vegas and had a quickie marriage. Xander was best man; Willow Maid of Honour; Picard performed the ceremony; Data sang about socks; and there were many guests. But...
All was not well in the town of Las Vegas. There was a stange shadow creeping in from the West. Galadriel left her Middle Earth to help Legolas light the shadow. But they failed.
Kira was angered that a sci-fi 'ship could actually work. So went and killed John, there on the alter, in the name of All The Ships That Failed. Of course, John could not die permeanently...
They kiss.
As they kissed, a mysterious cloud surrounded John. There was a voice that said "Let the dying curse be gone," then the cloud disappeared.
"Delenn? That sounds like a wonderful name."
She smiled. John smiled. They kiss some more.
The shared flashback ended in Delenn and John's heads. John was again, indeed, very dead. Delenn cried, and Kira came back into herself.
"What happened to me? she asked, "I've never killed like that before!"
"It is within your mind..." said Galadriel.Tara interupted:
"There is great anger within you, Kira, and it is not yours. It is as if..as if you are being controlled by someone"
"How can anyone be controlled by someone else?" asked sweet Legolas.
"Shouldnt your wisdom tell you that"? said Aragorn.
"Um, I'm John version 47.47" said John," Can we continue with the flashback instead of fighting, please?"
And the stars began falling from the sky.
The scene was set for a lovely flashback, when...
BOOM.
"What the bloody heck was that BOOM?" asked Jack.
"I wanted attention, as I am the strongest!" said Aragorn.
"Um...riiiggghhhttt" said Legolas
Suddenly, though, there was another BOOM, with a flash of light.
Josie the Human Woman and Giles appeared in an old car that backfired.
"Have we missed any action?" said Giles.
"Um..." said the crowd.
"I WANT MY SMUTTY FLASHBACK!" said John 47 (or was it 17?)
"And get it you shall," said the Josie with a wave of her wand, "for I am the Blue Fairy and I have the power to grant you one wish."
...and Éowyn appeared.
"Oops, I may be a little rusty" said Josie.
"Well, I was wondering how to get here!I want to be in the action!" said Éowyn
"There isnt much of that right now" said John, "AND THAT"S THE PROBLEM!"
"Calm down,I'm hungover! I'm sure it'll heat up" said Jack.
"Er...Eowyn, hi. I've, um, got to go and...stand over there" said Aragorn.
"Eowyn, how ARE you doing? Want to go to dinner" said Legolas.
"That's it. I'm dying." said John, as Gimli fell in and crushed him.
"Ah!" said Gimli. "A soft landing, at last... Quinn? Wade? Oh, wait, I'm in the wrong series, aren't I?"
"I don't know what series you belong in," said John, standing up again, " But it's probably not this story, since I don't remember you ever killing me."
"Aye, I only kill evil being, Orcs and politicians in paticular" said Gimli," But I did just kill you as I landed on you"
"Um...yah. Sure. I've got to go watch those guys dance." said John.
Aragorn had decided to nance, prance, sing and dance showtunes to get Eowyn to stop liking him. However, Legolas started doing the same, to GET Eowyn to like him. And in fact, she liked men who could show they liked musicals.
"Oh Legolas, you are wonderful. Wanna go to Showboat?" she said. Legolas agreed.
Gimlie pouted. He liked Eowyn. John and him drank a lot of beer.
"Phew, another girl off my back" said Aragorn, when suddenly someone unexpected stepped into the Sci-Fi-Con...
... which promptly exploded.
"This is because there where to many two-character persons" said Willow.
Everyone was back in the trainstation.Frodo and Samwise, Alf, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Picard,Crusher, Uhura, Han Solo,Mulder and Scully appeared.
"I TOLD you the truth was out there" said Mulder.
"What, in a Group Adaptive story?" asked Scully."I did one of these for 4th year sociology. It ended up being about Skywalker, Alf, Pic..wow, they're all here. Wierd."
"Oh. Well then. Here they are again" said Mulder.
"Huh, so which character do you guys kill every day?" asked Scully."Ours was Luke"
"It's me" said John, who was twitching and shaking. A lot.
Scully shot him.
"What did you do that for?" asked John when he reappeared from behind a tree.
"A mysterious voice told me you hadn't died for more than four days." Scully answered.
"A mysterious voice?" Mulder repeated. "And you can't explain it? Let's find the source."
"There!" said John, pointing to the sky.
They all looked up.
Unfortunately it wasn't the source of the voice.
It was a very large anvil headed for them at a Ludicrous Speed.
The anvil fell on them and pulped them all.
Ouch.
"That's odd. It missed me," said John. "I am still alive!"
"There must be a reason why you are still alive," said a dying Mulder.
"The truth is out there," said John.
"Hey, that's my line!" said Mulder.
"No it isn't!" yelled John.
"Says who?" asked Mulder.
"The credits," said John.
"Oh," said Mulder just before dying.
John turns around and walks off a cliff.
"I sure hope there is water down there!" yelled John
"Nope, just some sharp rocks to break your fall," said the mysterious voice.
"Bummer" *Distant Splat*
"Yep, it broke my fall," exclaimed John, who had a sharp rock protruding through his mid section.
But, Tara, who was also sick of dying, did a spell to save Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Frodo, Samwise and Willow. They all stood in disbelief as once again John died.
"Well, at least it got OJake" said Jack.
"He seemed like a nice fella, all bookish like" said Samwise.
"Yes, I quite liked him" said Frodo.
"HEY! ISNT ANYONE GOING TO WRITE DEATH SCENE #2034?" asked John.
"You are not dead yet. Would you like me to ease the suffereing?" said Aragorn.
"No, but some Elven medicine would help" said John.
"Sorry, I've used up all my John Death Cure" said Aragorn.
And John died. Again.
The old elevator came to a sudden jurky stop on the 1st floor. The rusty doors opened slowly with an annoying squeel. Tara, Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Frodo, Samwise and Willow turned around to see who was coming out. They could not see who it was because the elevator created a dust cloud around the door. Slowly the dust settled and they saw who it was. There was much surprise on the onlookers' faces when they saw that the first person to step off the elevator was OJake. He was followed by John.
"I hate that elevator," said John.
"Yeah, me too," responded OJake.
The elevator doors squeeled to a close.
"Anyone got a big can WD40?" asked Aragon
"Who is Aragon?" asked Aragorn.
"Aragon is a loser suiter in "Merchant of Venice" replied Frodo.
"If you are going to call me a loser, I shall be off" said Aragon, and he left.
Then, Samwise, in one of his brighter moments, said,"Didnt we just KILL these guys?"
"No, we can not die. That is our curse. Along with the trainstation" said OJake.
"It needs some trees. And vines. And beautiful tapestry" said Legolas.
Tara waved her hand, and it was done.
"Tara, I thought you said you were agaist "frivilous magic" said Willow.
"Well, it was really depressing, which is bad to health" replied Tara.
The elevator ground to a halt. The yellowing lights flickered once, then died completely. They were plunged into darkness.
In the silence that followed, Aragorn was heard saying, "I have a bad feeling about this..."
"...because someone has just hugged onto me and is not letting go" he finished.
"Really? Because I've just latched onto someone" said...
agent Mulder. The Elevator continued to fall. Then, all of a sudden, the elevator turned sideways and became a train. The train stopped at an empty station. The doors opened and everyone got off. Sitting on the bench at the station was Neo.
"Happy birthday" he said to Mulder.
"It's not my birthday" answered Mulder, confused.
"Oh well, here's a present anyway" Neo said as he gave Mulder a package and walked away.
Mulder started to open the his present, but Aragorn stopped him.
"This is a Mysterious Package" he said, "You can't open it yet."
"Who cares about that?" said Mulder in annoyance, and swatted Aragorn's hand away.
He opened the package.
There was a ticking nuke in it.
"What the-?!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, I'm extremely sorry--that wasn't for you. You're not John Sheridan, are you? It was for John. It's his birthday today. Here, where is he? Let me give it to--"
BOOM
Everyone covered their ears because it was one of those loud annoying bombs, ya know, the ones that will yak your ears off. While everyone was recovering from the bomb, 1000 cloned Agent Smiths showed up and surrounded them all.
"You will all become part of my collection. Prepare to become me," said the Real Agent Smith.
"No, take me instead. You do not need to waste your time with these foolish mortals," said John.
"Very Well, prepare to meet your DOOM!"
Agent Smith attempted to take over John's Body.
"Hehe, the Borg tried to do the same thing to me," said John.
See John installed a Hacker prevention program that keeps Hackers from altering his code. He also installed a Nukified Punch last week. The Following stunt should not be tried at home. This is a dangerous stunt.
John gave the signal to Aragorn and ther others standing nearby to get on the train quickly. After the train left, John looked at Agent Smith and began to laugh. He then threw his Nukified punch, which knocked out Agent Smith clean out of his shoes, wiped out all the clones, and pretty much everything else within 10 miles. John looked around with a smile on his face.
"Is that all you got?" asked Agent Smith.
Things blew up.
BOOM
Agent Smith flew far and fast, landing at Mobil Ave Station.
"Wow, that was a fast way to get from station to station," said Agent Smith. Holding his head, he called John on his cell phone.
John picked up. The operator said, "You have a long distance phone call from an Agent Smith. Will you accept?
"Yes," said John, trying to hold back his laugh.
Agent smith asked, "John, is that all you got? I think this scene just went over on the budget. If we continue this scene, we will have to call in 17 to do the rest of the sound effects."
John said, "I will be right over. Don't go anywhere."
...of course, John didnt make it.
Aragorn decided to kill John. Again. And then Gimli tried, too.
Agent Smith, all 1000 of them, where left at the train stations.
And then...three men came.Three men from British Columbia.
The Lone Gunmen. Assisted by Willow.
Together, they created a virus that killed 999 Agent Smith's.
But there was still one left.
Aragorn, Legolas, Tara, Neo, Eowyn, and Samwise all tried to kill him.
John even tried, and died again.
Something else was required...
"... Nutella!" exclaimed 17 in exasperation. "I can't believe you lot were trying to create a supercharged specialeffectsoverloaded psuedokungfu fight scene without using any Nutella!"
"But we only have one left," said Neo.
"Only because you wasted the other 46 of them on John," said 17.
"Would you like us to use the last one on Agent Smith?" asked John.
"We have no way of deploying it. The last launcher got destroyed by some lazy person who forgot to take the cap off last time," said Aragorn.
"Well, what do we do then? asked 17.
"I know! I will deliver the last Nutella to Agent Smith," said John.
"Please don't blow yourself up before you get there," pleaded 17.
John delivers the package to Agent Smith.
"Cool, a package for me!" said Agent Smith.
He opens the package.
John said,"Yes, its a cool little bomb. All you have to do is press the red button."
Smith said,"Which one?"
John said,"This one."
There was a big explosion which will now be demonstrated by 17....
"Samwise, that wont work!" said Eowyn," I have a er, different plan".
"Whatever it is, let's do it!" said Legolas. So they did.
So, The Lone Gunmen and Willow turned Nutella into a computer program. Most people didnt know that Agent Smith's were allergic to the digital hazelnut code, but they did.
"But he wouldnt eat it!" said Samwise,"Darn shame, too!"
"Well, no, that's where Legolas going into the Matrix comes in handy" said Eowyn," He will use his excellent archery skills to fire a Nutella-tipped arrow at Agent Smith, which will then create an explosion only 17 can create".
So Legolas entered The Matrix and fired the arrow, which perfectly hit Agent Smith, and then there was a large...
BOOM.
"That didn't quite work out as it was supposed to," Legolas said.
Smith snickered evilly, and started multiplying like tribbles.
The tribbles got mad at Smith and started attacking the clones. After awhile, the tribbles got tired of attacking the multiplying clones, so they decided to reprogram them to look like trees.
Everyone waited for the inevitable Chakotay joke.
Which didnt come. In fact, nothing came.
The Smith Trees were chopped down and replaced with Maple and Cedar trees.
Legolas and Eowyn discoverd they loved each other.
Somehow, possibly due a Tara magic spell, Eowyn became an immortal Elf, just like Legolas. They were wed in a quiet ceremony among the maples and cedars, with Aragorn presiding over it. Samwise and Frodo were the flower girls, owing to the fact that they were the only ones short enough to fit into the little dresses.
"It's just like a Christmas pantomime!" shouted Samwise.
"Yes, but what happened to the plot?" asked someone.
"The plot? It got recycled," said Chakotay. "Oh, and how do you like my state of the art log cabin made out of Smith trees?"
"I hate log cabins. I can't blow them down like I can a stick and straw house," said the angry wolf.
The wolf ran off to escape an angry pig mob.
And John woke up.
"I had this terrible dream there where all these pigs chasing a wolf and I kept dying and...oh" said John,as he ran right into Aragorn. "So I do keep dying...I'm still here in the train station...with all of you..."
Aragorn was acting funny.
"Gee, since Legolas isnt around, he's on his honeymoon with Eowyn,wanna go hunt with me? Please? I wont kill you...I just want to do some manly stuff...if not hunting, how about darts? flower arranging? singing showtunes? PLEASE!" said Aragorn. "I really wanna do something with someone...all these people do is play with magic and computers..."
"I'll sing showtunes while prancing around a trainstation" said Neo Anderson.
And he started singing "The Beautiful Occupation" in an amazingly upbeat manner.
Amazingly for him, that is.
Eowyn and Legolas returned, singing.
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man till I die, can't help loving that man of mine..."
"See, I knew they loved men, not elves!" said Aragorn.
There was an awkward silence.
John jumped off a cliff. Neo/Mr.Anderson did some Matrix moves to save him.
More silence.
"Well, something's gotta happen!" said Tara.
"Why dont you sing Brittany/Madonna style!" said Jack.
"Um...I can sing and dont have to fake anything" said Tara.
Willow was getting bored...and performed some magic...
Then suddenly everyone was sitting at a table with a cooked Turkey in the middle.
"Thanksgiving already? The year sure did fly by, said John.
"Who cares? Lets Eat!" yelled Jack.
The Characters of Group Adaptive Story would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.
"Mind you,in Canada we have Thanksgivings, in October." said Neo.
And unfortunately, John wasnt that good a cook. Aragorn had to treat him for food poisoning, and it made everyone annoyed.
"Poorest John, his life is full of self-caused sorrow" said Legolas.
"Perhaps...perhaps his eyesight it poor" said Tara.
Eowyn checked by swinging a sword at John. John flinched as she purposely missed.
"Oh sure, just make me even MORE jealous" said Aragorn.
And a little bird in the trees chirped as Aragorn killed John yet again.
"Why do you keep killing him?" asked Neo,'Isnt that a bit harsh?"
"Nah, John is just like an orc" said Aragorn,"Only less smelly."
"Doesnt every Orc have a worthwhile life force?" asked Neo.
"Nope. they're evil elves, not like Leggy...er, Legolas here" said Aragorn."And John...well...he's like a Christmas tree farm:They grow, yah cut 'em down"
"Yes...but you only cut Xmas trees down once a year!" said John v.247.
"You know, Aragorn, you're wrong about John being just like an orc, only less smelly," said Legolas. "He isn't!"
Everyone looked quizzically at Legolas.
"He's smellier."
John was mad at that comment, and launched himself at Legolas.
"Everybody was kung-fu fighting" came over the speakers.
Legolas punched John.
"those cats were fast as lightening"
Aragorn tripped John.
"In fact it was a little bit fright'ning"
Legolas and Aragorn threw John out of the train station.
"But they fought with expert timing"
John landed and rolled down the slight hill, into the canyon. Eowyn had to save Legolas and Aragorn from also falling down the canyon. Arwen ran and gave Aragorn a big hug and kiss.
"I think we need more dead people walking around" said Willow.
"Dead people? Why is that?" asked Legolas.
In a Q-like flash, John reappeared in the train station.
"Oh, hi John. Because killing John is getting old." Willow answered, barely noticing him.
"How about killing Mr Anderson?" said Aragorn," We already have enough competion for the girls!"
But of course, Mr Anderson just started running around the train station.
Thankfully, Legolas was fast enough to catch him.
Aragorn started the incoherent mumbling he classified as singing.
People screamed.
Strangely, Aragorn's "singing" summomoned Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry. And strangly, hobbits hate Mr Anderson. So, they attacked him, and with an expertly weilded frying pan, Mr Anderson died. And of course, came back. So the hobbits attacked again.
Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Willow, Tara, and John popped some corn and watched the scene over and over and over. Oh, but poor John choked on some popcorn.
Suddenly there was white. "Mr Anderson, how are you?" asked John.
"Dead again. You?" replied Anderson.
"Oh, here we live again" said John. And they were back to being attacked by hobbits and popcorn.
2 hours later the movie ended. They got in their cars and all went home. When they got home, they all got online and started chatting with each other about the movie.
Which was, admittedly, a pretty dumb thing to do.
Legolas began to shrink due to lack of attention, so Aragorn brought all the audience back. Eowyn was very happy with this development. She and Legolas caught a train to Niagra Falls, Ontario, and had a good time, and then returned to The Train Station.
"Hmm, well...what should we do?"asked Frodo of Samwise. They decided to write the story Legolas and Eowyn.
"So that leaves us three..." said Aragorn. However, Jack and Arwen where already discussing proper eyeliner technique. Frustrated, Aragorn, who really only had a penchant for black hair colour to cover up the grey, found John and Mr. Anderson and had a guys night...of DOOM...
... which ended with them doing the most unspeakable things at a piercing parlour.
"Aragorn, I feel you are in pain" said Legolas when Aragorn, John and Mr Anderson returned.
"Well...yah...we sort of...went to Stick's Piercing Palace...and..." Aragorn showed his new earlobe cartilidge barbell."And there are more...".
Legolas, usually composed, burst in laughter.
"How are you going to expalian this to your dear Arwen? Bet she'll be sad she didnt get my Leggy" said Eowyn, barly able to talk between giggles.
Frodo and Sam wondered about what other piecing their could be, but John and Mr Anderson got mad. So they killed the renewable John and Mr Anderson.
"Too bad I cant do that with Aragorn" said a fuming Arwen.
The man in the top hat came in and sat at the table next to the group. Everyone ignored him only because they thought he was an extra. The man spoke, for this caused everyone in the room to stop what they are doing because everyone knows that extras that speak get killed off. (Hmmm, that explains John's condition. He is a perm. extra that keeps getting killed off.) The man, showing his star status, continued by saying, "Do not be alarmed, for I have star status." John laughed at first, then stopped suddenly when he realized he didn't have star status, so he died. John came back running in the room and begged the man for star status. The man agreed, took his top hat off, and pulled out a contract for John to sign. John signed it. The man smiled, put his hat back on, and walked out the door. "Wow, I have star status!" yelled John.
"Unfortunately, that's not going to work for you," said Aragorn, "as you happen to be on a show written by JMS, who sees absolutely nothing wrong in killing off major characters."
"Ah, nuts," said John, as he prepared to die again.
Poor John died once again, this time because Eowyn was testing her bo's new bow.
"Well, Legolas, you're more skilled with bows and arrows, I'm more skilled with a sword" said Eowyn.
"Dear, it was just John, no one really cares." said Legolas.
John came back, this time with McCoy from Law and Order.
"This man is trying to get me to charge someone with his murder...but since he's alive...I dont really care" said McCoy.
And then Aragorn noticed a goo where John had died...
... and then somebody's brain exploded.
"Just great! More goo to clean up." said Aragorn.
"Goo-goo gaaaa!" agreed a baby who asked not to be identified for privacy reasons.
Aragorn was frustrated. The plot had been abandoned. The story of the Quest had turned into endless ways of killing John. Frodo and Sam were to busy writing brilliant stories to help the Quest along. Jack and Arwen seemed to be becoming an item. And what the heck was up with Eowyn and Legolas?
"You've been infected" said the story's token wiseperson, Tara."You now have The OJake Syndrome".
"The WHAT?" said Aragorn.
"Here, let me show you" said Tara. With that, she brought OJake back. He was a shadow of his former self, wandering around in saying "The PLOT! The PLOT! What happened to the PLOT".
"I'm...I'm going to get like THAT?" said Aragorn.
"Well...yes, if you dont come up with a romantic subplot for yourself first" said Tara
Aragorn and OJake looked at each other.
"Ah, hell," Aragorn muttered.
He leaned over and kissed OJake.
Jack and Arwen stopped talking about proper cocktail mixing. Legolas and Eowyn stopped working with arrows. And Frodo and Samwise put down their pens. John and Mr Anderson were revived. They all watched OJake and Aragorn.
And watched.
And watched.
And watched.
And watched.
And suddenly...some realization, some wonderful vision passed over everyone. An idea, a shared unity.
"All that was needed was...everyone to get a...romantic sublot?Even...a creepy one? said Frodo, and Tara nodded.
And so the story continued, as a new chapter began...
Chapter 11: The Many Deaths of John, Part 2. Also, The Many Loves of Arwen
"Why do I get the distinct feeling that I am not going to like this part?" John muttered.
"Oh be quiet," said Tara, who had strangely enough found herself a fold- down chair and a bucket of popcorn. "This next bit is really good. Munch munch munch."
Suddenly there was a yell.
"ARAGORN! HOW COULD YOU?" said Arwen. "I was willing to die for you! But not anymore! I'm staying immortal and dating Captain Jack from now on!"
Aragorn began to weep. "How...why...oh...please take me back!" pleaded Aragorn.
"No" said Arwen, as she nuzzled Jack.
"Eowyn, please take back" pleaded Aragorn.
"Ha, I've got Legolas and immortality! And if this doesnt work out...Faramir!"
For some reason Faramir jumped out from behind a bench.
"Oh my, who IS this cutey?" asked Arwen, staring at Faramir, who was staring at Tara.
Tara giggled. This WAS getting good. She invited Xander and Willow to watch, too.
Arwen looked at Faramir, then Xander."Hmmm...which to try first" she pondered.
"Coughsleazecough*" said Eowyn.
"Yes, she is one for treating dear Aragorn like that" said Legolas.
Suddenly, Faramir went over to Tara. "Dear maiden, how would you like to take a ride to the Gondor Library with me?" he asked.
"Um...if it just involves reading and riding talking...okay?" said Tara.
Willow felt a pang of jealousy, and said, "I'll come too".
"I guess so?" said Tara.
This made Xander feel jealous Arwen noticed, and asked him out.He said yes.
This made Captain Jack jealous. He took out his gun and fired his one bullet at John. John died.
And Arwen flirted some more, and John died some more.
Then Arwen thought of an idea.
"Whoever can kill John in the most creative way may get the chance to marry me!" she said.
Aragorn cried. He was sick of this. And he was sick of avoiding OJake.
All the other guys, except Sam, Frodo, Faramir, OJake and Legolas, lined up to kill John. Even John lined to kill John.
Everyone killed John in creative ways. After everyone went, Arwen chose John as the winner. They went to Vegas, got married, then went to the hotel for their honeymoon. John died in bed while doing it, but Arwen didnt know until John walked in again. "Wow, it looks so different from this angle," said John. Arwen, surprised, said, "Oh my, I didnt mean to be so rough. Sorry Honey."
Everyone thought that was sick and forgot about it.
Arwen woke up. "NOOOOO!" she said. Thankfully, she realized the necrophelia was just a nightmare and that the the kill-John contest was just about to begin. She sat down on her throne and watched guys kill John. Meanwhile, on the ride to the Gondor Public Library...
"So...how do you like this country?" Faramir asked Tara.
She thought,"I wonder if he realizes..." She said:"Oh, it's wonderful, really"
"That's good, yes, this is the most enjoyable route" he paused and listened. "I think there is someone following us"
"Yes, that's Xander, he killed John in the contest and then started following me" said Willow."He's in love and cant have me.Oh well. So am I"
Tara sighed. Faramir didnt understand and continued to stare at Tara, until he was knocked off his horse by a low branch.
John died. So did Crichton.
Claudia Crichton, that is, who was John Crichton after his sex change.
Meanwhile, Tara, Faramir, and Willow had reached the library. Xander was still trying to hide, though everyone knew he was there. Then Willow shot up from the book she was reading. "Oh my! Look at this info on John!" she said, as everyone looked at the info on John, which was...
... scandalous.
Very scandalous.
"You mean like, he died?" Xander asked, surprised, "Before we met him?"
"Outragious!" Exclaimed Arwen.
"How did he dare?" asked Faramir.
"But that's not all," said Willow, "Look!"
She pointed at the next page.
"John is an Elf?" said Xander." He's not pretty enough to be an ELF"
"Yes, I thought I felt some sort of magic from him-I thought it was just, you know, how he's dead and all" said Willow.
"Actually, I knew" said Tara. "I was going to tell you, but then this trip to the library was an easier way. You see, John is many thousands of years old. He was probably born soon after Legolas was. However, John never gained the wisdom, his choice was to live like a mortal, because he could get more girls. But every choice has its price.
"Yes, so death was his price?" said Willow
"How does it all work?" said Xander.
"You're really wise and beautiful, Tara" said Faramir.
Xander, Willow and Tara rolled their eyes. Then Tara revealed another suprise about John...
... he was actually a Joanne in disguise.
"Eew" said Delenn, "He's a girl? And I..." She burst into tears.
Meanwhile, Aragorn was starting to really regret his kiss with OJake. However, OJake wasnt. Arwen respected the fact that OJake had, erm, experimented, and so she asked him out. This made Aragorn inconsolably. "I can't take this anymore!" he shouted," I'll date anyone!"
And quite suddenly, Buffy showed up.
Back at the library...
"Ewewewew" said Delenn.
"What's wrong with kissing girls?" asked Faramir."I really like girls. I really like Tara."
Tara blushed and thought of the most tasteful way to handle the situation. "Um, also...when John was Joanne she dated Figwit and Gandalf and Sarumon. In fact, it's because John/Joanne broke up with Saruman that he went evil" she said.
Saruman sniggered evilly.
John sneezed.
Aragorn was now really annoyed, and he went on a rampage. John died 47 times. Sauramon liked seeing John die, as in his Joanne phase, he had dumped Sauramon.
OJake, now a free character who didnt need to worry about plot, started writing episodes for Enterprise.
And its quality improved instantly. Dramatically.
Arwen suddenly yelled. 'HEY, FORGET ME DID YOU? I still dont have my boyfriend!"
Aragorn was suddenly glad she was no longer his girlfriend.
Jake was distracted, and the quality of Enterprise writing once again plunged back into the deep pits from whence it came.
Delenn and John decided to get married. Due to the strange life, er, deaths, er, lives of John, they flew to Las Vegas and had a quickie marriage. Xander was best man; Willow Maid of Honour; Picard performed the ceremony; Data sang about socks; and there were many guests. But...
All was not well in the town of Las Vegas. There was a stange shadow creeping in from the West. Galadriel left her Middle Earth to help Legolas light the shadow. But they failed.
Kira was angered that a sci-fi 'ship could actually work. So went and killed John, there on the alter, in the name of All The Ships That Failed. Of course, John could not die permeanently...
They kiss.
As they kissed, a mysterious cloud surrounded John. There was a voice that said "Let the dying curse be gone," then the cloud disappeared.
"Delenn? That sounds like a wonderful name."
She smiled. John smiled. They kiss some more.
The shared flashback ended in Delenn and John's heads. John was again, indeed, very dead. Delenn cried, and Kira came back into herself.
"What happened to me? she asked, "I've never killed like that before!"
"It is within your mind..." said Galadriel.Tara interupted:
"There is great anger within you, Kira, and it is not yours. It is as if..as if you are being controlled by someone"
"How can anyone be controlled by someone else?" asked sweet Legolas.
"Shouldnt your wisdom tell you that"? said Aragorn.
"Um, I'm John version 47.47" said John," Can we continue with the flashback instead of fighting, please?"
And the stars began falling from the sky.
The scene was set for a lovely flashback, when...
BOOM.
"What the bloody heck was that BOOM?" asked Jack.
"I wanted attention, as I am the strongest!" said Aragorn.
"Um...riiiggghhhttt" said Legolas
Suddenly, though, there was another BOOM, with a flash of light.
Josie the Human Woman and Giles appeared in an old car that backfired.
"Have we missed any action?" said Giles.
"Um..." said the crowd.
"I WANT MY SMUTTY FLASHBACK!" said John 47 (or was it 17?)
"And get it you shall," said the Josie with a wave of her wand, "for I am the Blue Fairy and I have the power to grant you one wish."
...and Éowyn appeared.
"Oops, I may be a little rusty" said Josie.
"Well, I was wondering how to get here!I want to be in the action!" said Éowyn
"There isnt much of that right now" said John, "AND THAT"S THE PROBLEM!"
"Calm down,I'm hungover! I'm sure it'll heat up" said Jack.
"Er...Eowyn, hi. I've, um, got to go and...stand over there" said Aragorn.
"Eowyn, how ARE you doing? Want to go to dinner" said Legolas.
"That's it. I'm dying." said John, as Gimli fell in and crushed him.
"Ah!" said Gimli. "A soft landing, at last... Quinn? Wade? Oh, wait, I'm in the wrong series, aren't I?"
"I don't know what series you belong in," said John, standing up again, " But it's probably not this story, since I don't remember you ever killing me."
"Aye, I only kill evil being, Orcs and politicians in paticular" said Gimli," But I did just kill you as I landed on you"
"Um...yah. Sure. I've got to go watch those guys dance." said John.
Aragorn had decided to nance, prance, sing and dance showtunes to get Eowyn to stop liking him. However, Legolas started doing the same, to GET Eowyn to like him. And in fact, she liked men who could show they liked musicals.
"Oh Legolas, you are wonderful. Wanna go to Showboat?" she said. Legolas agreed.
Gimlie pouted. He liked Eowyn. John and him drank a lot of beer.
"Phew, another girl off my back" said Aragorn, when suddenly someone unexpected stepped into the Sci-Fi-Con...
... which promptly exploded.
"This is because there where to many two-character persons" said Willow.
Everyone was back in the trainstation.Frodo and Samwise, Alf, Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, Picard,Crusher, Uhura, Han Solo,Mulder and Scully appeared.
"I TOLD you the truth was out there" said Mulder.
"What, in a Group Adaptive story?" asked Scully."I did one of these for 4th year sociology. It ended up being about Skywalker, Alf, Pic..wow, they're all here. Wierd."
"Oh. Well then. Here they are again" said Mulder.
"Huh, so which character do you guys kill every day?" asked Scully."Ours was Luke"
"It's me" said John, who was twitching and shaking. A lot.
Scully shot him.
"What did you do that for?" asked John when he reappeared from behind a tree.
"A mysterious voice told me you hadn't died for more than four days." Scully answered.
"A mysterious voice?" Mulder repeated. "And you can't explain it? Let's find the source."
"There!" said John, pointing to the sky.
They all looked up.
Unfortunately it wasn't the source of the voice.
It was a very large anvil headed for them at a Ludicrous Speed.
The anvil fell on them and pulped them all.
Ouch.
"That's odd. It missed me," said John. "I am still alive!"
"There must be a reason why you are still alive," said a dying Mulder.
"The truth is out there," said John.
"Hey, that's my line!" said Mulder.
"No it isn't!" yelled John.
"Says who?" asked Mulder.
"The credits," said John.
"Oh," said Mulder just before dying.
John turns around and walks off a cliff.
"I sure hope there is water down there!" yelled John
"Nope, just some sharp rocks to break your fall," said the mysterious voice.
"Bummer" *Distant Splat*
"Yep, it broke my fall," exclaimed John, who had a sharp rock protruding through his mid section.
But, Tara, who was also sick of dying, did a spell to save Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Frodo, Samwise and Willow. They all stood in disbelief as once again John died.
"Well, at least it got OJake" said Jack.
"He seemed like a nice fella, all bookish like" said Samwise.
"Yes, I quite liked him" said Frodo.
"HEY! ISNT ANYONE GOING TO WRITE DEATH SCENE #2034?" asked John.
"You are not dead yet. Would you like me to ease the suffereing?" said Aragorn.
"No, but some Elven medicine would help" said John.
"Sorry, I've used up all my John Death Cure" said Aragorn.
And John died. Again.
The old elevator came to a sudden jurky stop on the 1st floor. The rusty doors opened slowly with an annoying squeel. Tara, Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Frodo, Samwise and Willow turned around to see who was coming out. They could not see who it was because the elevator created a dust cloud around the door. Slowly the dust settled and they saw who it was. There was much surprise on the onlookers' faces when they saw that the first person to step off the elevator was OJake. He was followed by John.
"I hate that elevator," said John.
"Yeah, me too," responded OJake.
The elevator doors squeeled to a close.
"Anyone got a big can WD40?" asked Aragon
"Who is Aragon?" asked Aragorn.
"Aragon is a loser suiter in "Merchant of Venice" replied Frodo.
"If you are going to call me a loser, I shall be off" said Aragon, and he left.
Then, Samwise, in one of his brighter moments, said,"Didnt we just KILL these guys?"
"No, we can not die. That is our curse. Along with the trainstation" said OJake.
"It needs some trees. And vines. And beautiful tapestry" said Legolas.
Tara waved her hand, and it was done.
"Tara, I thought you said you were agaist "frivilous magic" said Willow.
"Well, it was really depressing, which is bad to health" replied Tara.
The elevator ground to a halt. The yellowing lights flickered once, then died completely. They were plunged into darkness.
In the silence that followed, Aragorn was heard saying, "I have a bad feeling about this..."
"...because someone has just hugged onto me and is not letting go" he finished.
"Really? Because I've just latched onto someone" said...
agent Mulder. The Elevator continued to fall. Then, all of a sudden, the elevator turned sideways and became a train. The train stopped at an empty station. The doors opened and everyone got off. Sitting on the bench at the station was Neo.
"Happy birthday" he said to Mulder.
"It's not my birthday" answered Mulder, confused.
"Oh well, here's a present anyway" Neo said as he gave Mulder a package and walked away.
Mulder started to open the his present, but Aragorn stopped him.
"This is a Mysterious Package" he said, "You can't open it yet."
"Who cares about that?" said Mulder in annoyance, and swatted Aragorn's hand away.
He opened the package.
There was a ticking nuke in it.
"What the-?!" he exclaimed.
"Oh, I'm extremely sorry--that wasn't for you. You're not John Sheridan, are you? It was for John. It's his birthday today. Here, where is he? Let me give it to--"
BOOM
Everyone covered their ears because it was one of those loud annoying bombs, ya know, the ones that will yak your ears off. While everyone was recovering from the bomb, 1000 cloned Agent Smiths showed up and surrounded them all.
"You will all become part of my collection. Prepare to become me," said the Real Agent Smith.
"No, take me instead. You do not need to waste your time with these foolish mortals," said John.
"Very Well, prepare to meet your DOOM!"
Agent Smith attempted to take over John's Body.
"Hehe, the Borg tried to do the same thing to me," said John.
See John installed a Hacker prevention program that keeps Hackers from altering his code. He also installed a Nukified Punch last week. The Following stunt should not be tried at home. This is a dangerous stunt.
John gave the signal to Aragorn and ther others standing nearby to get on the train quickly. After the train left, John looked at Agent Smith and began to laugh. He then threw his Nukified punch, which knocked out Agent Smith clean out of his shoes, wiped out all the clones, and pretty much everything else within 10 miles. John looked around with a smile on his face.
"Is that all you got?" asked Agent Smith.
Things blew up.
BOOM
Agent Smith flew far and fast, landing at Mobil Ave Station.
"Wow, that was a fast way to get from station to station," said Agent Smith. Holding his head, he called John on his cell phone.
John picked up. The operator said, "You have a long distance phone call from an Agent Smith. Will you accept?
"Yes," said John, trying to hold back his laugh.
Agent smith asked, "John, is that all you got? I think this scene just went over on the budget. If we continue this scene, we will have to call in 17 to do the rest of the sound effects."
John said, "I will be right over. Don't go anywhere."
...of course, John didnt make it.
Aragorn decided to kill John. Again. And then Gimli tried, too.
Agent Smith, all 1000 of them, where left at the train stations.
And then...three men came.Three men from British Columbia.
The Lone Gunmen. Assisted by Willow.
Together, they created a virus that killed 999 Agent Smith's.
But there was still one left.
Aragorn, Legolas, Tara, Neo, Eowyn, and Samwise all tried to kill him.
John even tried, and died again.
Something else was required...
"... Nutella!" exclaimed 17 in exasperation. "I can't believe you lot were trying to create a supercharged specialeffectsoverloaded psuedokungfu fight scene without using any Nutella!"
"But we only have one left," said Neo.
"Only because you wasted the other 46 of them on John," said 17.
"Would you like us to use the last one on Agent Smith?" asked John.
"We have no way of deploying it. The last launcher got destroyed by some lazy person who forgot to take the cap off last time," said Aragorn.
"Well, what do we do then? asked 17.
"I know! I will deliver the last Nutella to Agent Smith," said John.
"Please don't blow yourself up before you get there," pleaded 17.
John delivers the package to Agent Smith.
"Cool, a package for me!" said Agent Smith.
He opens the package.
John said,"Yes, its a cool little bomb. All you have to do is press the red button."
Smith said,"Which one?"
John said,"This one."
There was a big explosion which will now be demonstrated by 17....
"Samwise, that wont work!" said Eowyn," I have a er, different plan".
"Whatever it is, let's do it!" said Legolas. So they did.
So, The Lone Gunmen and Willow turned Nutella into a computer program. Most people didnt know that Agent Smith's were allergic to the digital hazelnut code, but they did.
"But he wouldnt eat it!" said Samwise,"Darn shame, too!"
"Well, no, that's where Legolas going into the Matrix comes in handy" said Eowyn," He will use his excellent archery skills to fire a Nutella-tipped arrow at Agent Smith, which will then create an explosion only 17 can create".
So Legolas entered The Matrix and fired the arrow, which perfectly hit Agent Smith, and then there was a large...
BOOM.
"That didn't quite work out as it was supposed to," Legolas said.
Smith snickered evilly, and started multiplying like tribbles.
The tribbles got mad at Smith and started attacking the clones. After awhile, the tribbles got tired of attacking the multiplying clones, so they decided to reprogram them to look like trees.
Everyone waited for the inevitable Chakotay joke.
Which didnt come. In fact, nothing came.
The Smith Trees were chopped down and replaced with Maple and Cedar trees.
Legolas and Eowyn discoverd they loved each other.
Somehow, possibly due a Tara magic spell, Eowyn became an immortal Elf, just like Legolas. They were wed in a quiet ceremony among the maples and cedars, with Aragorn presiding over it. Samwise and Frodo were the flower girls, owing to the fact that they were the only ones short enough to fit into the little dresses.
"It's just like a Christmas pantomime!" shouted Samwise.
"Yes, but what happened to the plot?" asked someone.
"The plot? It got recycled," said Chakotay. "Oh, and how do you like my state of the art log cabin made out of Smith trees?"
"I hate log cabins. I can't blow them down like I can a stick and straw house," said the angry wolf.
The wolf ran off to escape an angry pig mob.
And John woke up.
"I had this terrible dream there where all these pigs chasing a wolf and I kept dying and...oh" said John,as he ran right into Aragorn. "So I do keep dying...I'm still here in the train station...with all of you..."
Aragorn was acting funny.
"Gee, since Legolas isnt around, he's on his honeymoon with Eowyn,wanna go hunt with me? Please? I wont kill you...I just want to do some manly stuff...if not hunting, how about darts? flower arranging? singing showtunes? PLEASE!" said Aragorn. "I really wanna do something with someone...all these people do is play with magic and computers..."
"I'll sing showtunes while prancing around a trainstation" said Neo Anderson.
And he started singing "The Beautiful Occupation" in an amazingly upbeat manner.
Amazingly for him, that is.
Eowyn and Legolas returned, singing.
Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one man till I die, can't help loving that man of mine..."
"See, I knew they loved men, not elves!" said Aragorn.
There was an awkward silence.
John jumped off a cliff. Neo/Mr.Anderson did some Matrix moves to save him.
More silence.
"Well, something's gotta happen!" said Tara.
"Why dont you sing Brittany/Madonna style!" said Jack.
"Um...I can sing and dont have to fake anything" said Tara.
Willow was getting bored...and performed some magic...
Then suddenly everyone was sitting at a table with a cooked Turkey in the middle.
"Thanksgiving already? The year sure did fly by, said John.
"Who cares? Lets Eat!" yelled Jack.
The Characters of Group Adaptive Story would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.
"Mind you,in Canada we have Thanksgivings, in October." said Neo.
And unfortunately, John wasnt that good a cook. Aragorn had to treat him for food poisoning, and it made everyone annoyed.
"Poorest John, his life is full of self-caused sorrow" said Legolas.
"Perhaps...perhaps his eyesight it poor" said Tara.
Eowyn checked by swinging a sword at John. John flinched as she purposely missed.
"Oh sure, just make me even MORE jealous" said Aragorn.
And a little bird in the trees chirped as Aragorn killed John yet again.
"Why do you keep killing him?" asked Neo,'Isnt that a bit harsh?"
"Nah, John is just like an orc" said Aragorn,"Only less smelly."
"Doesnt every Orc have a worthwhile life force?" asked Neo.
"Nope. they're evil elves, not like Leggy...er, Legolas here" said Aragorn."And John...well...he's like a Christmas tree farm:They grow, yah cut 'em down"
"Yes...but you only cut Xmas trees down once a year!" said John v.247.
"You know, Aragorn, you're wrong about John being just like an orc, only less smelly," said Legolas. "He isn't!"
Everyone looked quizzically at Legolas.
"He's smellier."
John was mad at that comment, and launched himself at Legolas.
"Everybody was kung-fu fighting" came over the speakers.
Legolas punched John.
"those cats were fast as lightening"
Aragorn tripped John.
"In fact it was a little bit fright'ning"
Legolas and Aragorn threw John out of the train station.
"But they fought with expert timing"
John landed and rolled down the slight hill, into the canyon. Eowyn had to save Legolas and Aragorn from also falling down the canyon. Arwen ran and gave Aragorn a big hug and kiss.
"I think we need more dead people walking around" said Willow.
"Dead people? Why is that?" asked Legolas.
In a Q-like flash, John reappeared in the train station.
"Oh, hi John. Because killing John is getting old." Willow answered, barely noticing him.
"How about killing Mr Anderson?" said Aragorn," We already have enough competion for the girls!"
But of course, Mr Anderson just started running around the train station.
Thankfully, Legolas was fast enough to catch him.
Aragorn started the incoherent mumbling he classified as singing.
People screamed.
Strangely, Aragorn's "singing" summomoned Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry. And strangly, hobbits hate Mr Anderson. So, they attacked him, and with an expertly weilded frying pan, Mr Anderson died. And of course, came back. So the hobbits attacked again.
Legolas, Aragorn, Jack, Willow, Tara, and John popped some corn and watched the scene over and over and over. Oh, but poor John choked on some popcorn.
Suddenly there was white. "Mr Anderson, how are you?" asked John.
"Dead again. You?" replied Anderson.
"Oh, here we live again" said John. And they were back to being attacked by hobbits and popcorn.
2 hours later the movie ended. They got in their cars and all went home. When they got home, they all got online and started chatting with each other about the movie.
Which was, admittedly, a pretty dumb thing to do.
Legolas began to shrink due to lack of attention, so Aragorn brought all the audience back. Eowyn was very happy with this development. She and Legolas caught a train to Niagra Falls, Ontario, and had a good time, and then returned to The Train Station.
"Hmm, well...what should we do?"asked Frodo of Samwise. They decided to write the story Legolas and Eowyn.
"So that leaves us three..." said Aragorn. However, Jack and Arwen where already discussing proper eyeliner technique. Frustrated, Aragorn, who really only had a penchant for black hair colour to cover up the grey, found John and Mr. Anderson and had a guys night...of DOOM...
... which ended with them doing the most unspeakable things at a piercing parlour.
"Aragorn, I feel you are in pain" said Legolas when Aragorn, John and Mr Anderson returned.
"Well...yah...we sort of...went to Stick's Piercing Palace...and..." Aragorn showed his new earlobe cartilidge barbell."And there are more...".
Legolas, usually composed, burst in laughter.
"How are you going to expalian this to your dear Arwen? Bet she'll be sad she didnt get my Leggy" said Eowyn, barly able to talk between giggles.
Frodo and Sam wondered about what other piecing their could be, but John and Mr Anderson got mad. So they killed the renewable John and Mr Anderson.
"Too bad I cant do that with Aragorn" said a fuming Arwen.
The man in the top hat came in and sat at the table next to the group. Everyone ignored him only because they thought he was an extra. The man spoke, for this caused everyone in the room to stop what they are doing because everyone knows that extras that speak get killed off. (Hmmm, that explains John's condition. He is a perm. extra that keeps getting killed off.) The man, showing his star status, continued by saying, "Do not be alarmed, for I have star status." John laughed at first, then stopped suddenly when he realized he didn't have star status, so he died. John came back running in the room and begged the man for star status. The man agreed, took his top hat off, and pulled out a contract for John to sign. John signed it. The man smiled, put his hat back on, and walked out the door. "Wow, I have star status!" yelled John.
"Unfortunately, that's not going to work for you," said Aragorn, "as you happen to be on a show written by JMS, who sees absolutely nothing wrong in killing off major characters."
"Ah, nuts," said John, as he prepared to die again.
Poor John died once again, this time because Eowyn was testing her bo's new bow.
"Well, Legolas, you're more skilled with bows and arrows, I'm more skilled with a sword" said Eowyn.
"Dear, it was just John, no one really cares." said Legolas.
John came back, this time with McCoy from Law and Order.
"This man is trying to get me to charge someone with his murder...but since he's alive...I dont really care" said McCoy.
And then Aragorn noticed a goo where John had died...
... and then somebody's brain exploded.
"Just great! More goo to clean up." said Aragorn.
"Goo-goo gaaaa!" agreed a baby who asked not to be identified for privacy reasons.
Aragorn was frustrated. The plot had been abandoned. The story of the Quest had turned into endless ways of killing John. Frodo and Sam were to busy writing brilliant stories to help the Quest along. Jack and Arwen seemed to be becoming an item. And what the heck was up with Eowyn and Legolas?
"You've been infected" said the story's token wiseperson, Tara."You now have The OJake Syndrome".
"The WHAT?" said Aragorn.
"Here, let me show you" said Tara. With that, she brought OJake back. He was a shadow of his former self, wandering around in saying "The PLOT! The PLOT! What happened to the PLOT".
"I'm...I'm going to get like THAT?" said Aragorn.
"Well...yes, if you dont come up with a romantic subplot for yourself first" said Tara
Aragorn and OJake looked at each other.
"Ah, hell," Aragorn muttered.
He leaned over and kissed OJake.
Jack and Arwen stopped talking about proper cocktail mixing. Legolas and Eowyn stopped working with arrows. And Frodo and Samwise put down their pens. John and Mr Anderson were revived. They all watched OJake and Aragorn.
And watched.
And watched.
And watched.
And watched.
And suddenly...some realization, some wonderful vision passed over everyone. An idea, a shared unity.
"All that was needed was...everyone to get a...romantic sublot?Even...a creepy one? said Frodo, and Tara nodded.
And so the story continued, as a new chapter began...
Chapter 11: The Many Deaths of John, Part 2. Also, The Many Loves of Arwen
"Why do I get the distinct feeling that I am not going to like this part?" John muttered.
"Oh be quiet," said Tara, who had strangely enough found herself a fold- down chair and a bucket of popcorn. "This next bit is really good. Munch munch munch."
Suddenly there was a yell.
"ARAGORN! HOW COULD YOU?" said Arwen. "I was willing to die for you! But not anymore! I'm staying immortal and dating Captain Jack from now on!"
Aragorn began to weep. "How...why...oh...please take me back!" pleaded Aragorn.
"No" said Arwen, as she nuzzled Jack.
"Eowyn, please take back" pleaded Aragorn.
"Ha, I've got Legolas and immortality! And if this doesnt work out...Faramir!"
For some reason Faramir jumped out from behind a bench.
"Oh my, who IS this cutey?" asked Arwen, staring at Faramir, who was staring at Tara.
Tara giggled. This WAS getting good. She invited Xander and Willow to watch, too.
Arwen looked at Faramir, then Xander."Hmmm...which to try first" she pondered.
"Coughsleazecough*" said Eowyn.
"Yes, she is one for treating dear Aragorn like that" said Legolas.
Suddenly, Faramir went over to Tara. "Dear maiden, how would you like to take a ride to the Gondor Library with me?" he asked.
"Um...if it just involves reading and riding talking...okay?" said Tara.
Willow felt a pang of jealousy, and said, "I'll come too".
"I guess so?" said Tara.
This made Xander feel jealous Arwen noticed, and asked him out.He said yes.
This made Captain Jack jealous. He took out his gun and fired his one bullet at John. John died.
And Arwen flirted some more, and John died some more.
Then Arwen thought of an idea.
"Whoever can kill John in the most creative way may get the chance to marry me!" she said.
Aragorn cried. He was sick of this. And he was sick of avoiding OJake.
All the other guys, except Sam, Frodo, Faramir, OJake and Legolas, lined up to kill John. Even John lined to kill John.
Everyone killed John in creative ways. After everyone went, Arwen chose John as the winner. They went to Vegas, got married, then went to the hotel for their honeymoon. John died in bed while doing it, but Arwen didnt know until John walked in again. "Wow, it looks so different from this angle," said John. Arwen, surprised, said, "Oh my, I didnt mean to be so rough. Sorry Honey."
Everyone thought that was sick and forgot about it.
Arwen woke up. "NOOOOO!" she said. Thankfully, she realized the necrophelia was just a nightmare and that the the kill-John contest was just about to begin. She sat down on her throne and watched guys kill John. Meanwhile, on the ride to the Gondor Public Library...
"So...how do you like this country?" Faramir asked Tara.
She thought,"I wonder if he realizes..." She said:"Oh, it's wonderful, really"
"That's good, yes, this is the most enjoyable route" he paused and listened. "I think there is someone following us"
"Yes, that's Xander, he killed John in the contest and then started following me" said Willow."He's in love and cant have me.Oh well. So am I"
Tara sighed. Faramir didnt understand and continued to stare at Tara, until he was knocked off his horse by a low branch.
John died. So did Crichton.
Claudia Crichton, that is, who was John Crichton after his sex change.
Meanwhile, Tara, Faramir, and Willow had reached the library. Xander was still trying to hide, though everyone knew he was there. Then Willow shot up from the book she was reading. "Oh my! Look at this info on John!" she said, as everyone looked at the info on John, which was...
... scandalous.
Very scandalous.
"You mean like, he died?" Xander asked, surprised, "Before we met him?"
"Outragious!" Exclaimed Arwen.
"How did he dare?" asked Faramir.
"But that's not all," said Willow, "Look!"
She pointed at the next page.
"John is an Elf?" said Xander." He's not pretty enough to be an ELF"
"Yes, I thought I felt some sort of magic from him-I thought it was just, you know, how he's dead and all" said Willow.
"Actually, I knew" said Tara. "I was going to tell you, but then this trip to the library was an easier way. You see, John is many thousands of years old. He was probably born soon after Legolas was. However, John never gained the wisdom, his choice was to live like a mortal, because he could get more girls. But every choice has its price.
"Yes, so death was his price?" said Willow
"How does it all work?" said Xander.
"You're really wise and beautiful, Tara" said Faramir.
Xander, Willow and Tara rolled their eyes. Then Tara revealed another suprise about John...
... he was actually a Joanne in disguise.
"Eew" said Delenn, "He's a girl? And I..." She burst into tears.
Meanwhile, Aragorn was starting to really regret his kiss with OJake. However, OJake wasnt. Arwen respected the fact that OJake had, erm, experimented, and so she asked him out. This made Aragorn inconsolably. "I can't take this anymore!" he shouted," I'll date anyone!"
And quite suddenly, Buffy showed up.
Back at the library...
"Ewewewew" said Delenn.
"What's wrong with kissing girls?" asked Faramir."I really like girls. I really like Tara."
Tara blushed and thought of the most tasteful way to handle the situation. "Um, also...when John was Joanne she dated Figwit and Gandalf and Sarumon. In fact, it's because John/Joanne broke up with Saruman that he went evil" she said.
Saruman sniggered evilly.
John sneezed.
Aragorn was now really annoyed, and he went on a rampage. John died 47 times. Sauramon liked seeing John die, as in his Joanne phase, he had dumped Sauramon.
OJake, now a free character who didnt need to worry about plot, started writing episodes for Enterprise.
And its quality improved instantly. Dramatically.
Arwen suddenly yelled. 'HEY, FORGET ME DID YOU? I still dont have my boyfriend!"
Aragorn was suddenly glad she was no longer his girlfriend.
Jake was distracted, and the quality of Enterprise writing once again plunged back into the deep pits from whence it came.
