Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion does not belong to me and neither do the characters of Shinji, Asuka, and Rei (*sob!*). They were created by the insane- ahem, *misunderstood* genius of Hideaki Anno and the other twisted minds at Gainax. ;)

REMEMBER: Continuity and consistency be damned!

Funvince Fanfic Enterprises presents:

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NGE STEREOTYPES TAKEN TO THE EXTREME

-By Vincent "Funvince" Nguyen

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-The Incredible Asuka-

In Asuka's hospital room at NERV...

Shinji stared at the floor. It was over. All the Angels were defeated. The Earth was saved. He would never have to fight in an EVA again. It was over. This was what he wanted since he came to Tokyo-3. And all it cost him was his soul.

He knew that he shouldn't feel this way. He knew that Kaworu had been an Angel and had to be destroyed. He also knew that the memory of his EVA's hand clenching shut would haunt him forever.

The sound of a whimper brought him out of his thoughts. He looked at the bed to see two blue orbs staring at him. She looked so pale and tired. He asked, "Are you okay?"

Asuka nodded weakly then asked, "Did we win?"

"Yeah, I killed the last Angel." Shinji was silent for a moment then laughed bitterly. "I suppose I should be happy, but I'm not. My life has been hell for so long. I hurt Mari the first day I came here then I ended up crippling her brother. Kaji's dead. Rei died but she comes back and I find out she's a clone. My father's a bastard and my mom's soul is stuck in Unit 01. And just when I think that it can't get any worse, I end up killing the only person who ever cared for me just for being me."

"Shinji?"

Shinji looked at her. "Yes, Asuka?"

"I am so sick of your whining!" Asuka screamed. The machines around her bed began beeping as she struggled to get up. "I can't believe someone so pathetic always beats me! You're always rescuing me, you've destroyed more Angels than Wondergirl and I combined, and now you get all the glory of singlehandedly destroying the last Angel! Your name will be remembered for the next thousand years while I'll be lucky to get a footnote in some damn history book!!!"

Shinji backed away with his hands out trying to ward her off. "Calm down, Asuka!" He watched her skin ripple and turn red.

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?!" Asuka roared. Her body grew larger and her arms and legs grew as thick as tree trunks.

Shinji felt a warm liquid run down his leg as the towering red monstrosity revealed its jagged teeth.

"ASUKA SMASH!!!"

~*~

In Gendo's office...

The two men silently watched the screen showing the thing that had been Asuka smash through wall after wall swatting aside anyone that got in her way. The people who managed to survive her attacks would probably have to eat through a straw for the rest of their lives, but they were far luckier than what remained of poor Shinji Ikari.

Finally, Gendo spoke gravely, "And so it has begun. What we have feared for so long has come to pass."

Fuyutsuki was silent for a moment, contemplating his colleague's words. "You have no idea what's going on, do you?"

"Not a clue."

~*~

On the NERV bridge...

"That looks like that would hurt."

"Well, his head is ten meters from his body. It's not exactly a paper cut."

"Paper cuts hurt like hell!"

"Whatever. Doesn't she look like that green fellow from that American manga?"

"In America, they're called comic books." (1)

"Shut up, Makoto. Wow, I didn't know Section 2 had rocket launchers."

"Too bad they just ticked her off. And there goes his spleen."

"Never liked him. Bastard's always stealing my parking spot."

Misato stared at the bridge bunnies watching the carnage while munching popcorn and doing running commentary. "I'm surrounded by idiots."

It was too bad that she had no idea what to do herself. Both Gendo and Fuyutsuki had made a sudden, unexpected trip to America leaving her in charge. Something about checking out timeshares in Florida. (2)

She didn't know what to do. The Third Child was a pancake, the Second *was* the problem, and the First wasn't answering her phone. She had people scrambling to bring Touji in from Osaka, but he was still too far away to be of any help. She muttered, "I wish Kaji was here."

"You called, m'lady?" a suave male voice called out.

Misato whirled around to see a tall man in a white and black tuxedo stroll onto the bridge. He held a martini in his right hand. Due to her long experience with alcohol, she knew it was shaken, not stirred.

Her mouth opened and closed soundlessly as her gaze switched from Kaji to the martini then back to Kaji. Finally, she said, "Um, didn't you die?"

Kaji flashed her his lady-killer smile. "Details, details."

"I don't have time for your games, Kaji! Do you know anything about this?"

Kaji sighed. "It's time to reveal the horrible secret of the Langley family."

"You don't mean...?"

Kaji looked surprised. "You know?"

"I always suspected, but I never thought…"

"It's true."

"But she's only a quarter Japanese..."

"What are you talking about?"

"I can't believe that Asuka's burakumin!"

Kaji fell to the floor. Then he shouted, "This isn't that type of fic!"

"Oh," Misato said, shrugging. "She's always refusing to talk about her family and it would explain her hatred of Japan..."

"Please just stop." Kaji got to his feet and dusted himself off. "Let's try this again. Asuka is a descendant of Akane Tendo and Ryouga Hibiki."

"The Beserkers of Nerima?" Misato gasped. "The couple that required both the JSSDP and the U.S. Army to put down? Well, that explains Asuka's massive strength and mental instability. But how does she turn red and scary like that?"

"Oh, that. Well, Asuka's also half-demon. Let's just say that her mother had some strange tastes in lovers and leave it at that."

Misato collapsed into a chair and gripped her head. "Asuka's a demon. So Kensuke and Touji were right after all. Damn it, I lost the bet!"

Kaji watched the major sob for a few minutes then decided to address the bridge. "Look, we don't have much time before she reaches the surface and starts slaughtering civilians. The demon blood combined with the Hibiki-Tendo genes has made Asuka one of the most indestructible beings the world has ever known. Only Rei can stop her."

"Why Rei?" Maya asked.

"Well, part-Angel against a part-Demon. I'm sure there's a certain twisted symmetry there."

Before anyone could reply, Makoto shouted, "The JSSDP are attacking!"

Kaji smirked. "I guess Asuka will be good for something then. Now, where's Rei?"

No one had an answer for him.

~*~

In the empty security lounge...

Rei Ayanami listened to Mister Kaji explain that only she could stop the Second Child. Since it was her duty to protect humanity from bizarre threats to its existence, she stood up and prepared to leave. Then her attention was drawn to another screen.

Asuka had broken into the launch bay and was currently tearing Unit 00 into teeny, tiny bits. The sounds of a dying EVA was truly horrible to hear.

Rei then decided that it would be better to observe the situation for a few more minutes. For tactical reasons, of course. She sat back down.

~*~

Outside the Geofront...

Commander Takahashi could not believe his eyes. He had brought enough weaponry and troops to take out NERV even if the EVAs attacked, but this… Thing was ripping through his troops like Germany taking Poland. Or Russia taking Poland. Or... you get the idea.

He watched the demon grab a tank by the turret and swing it into the distance. He had the sudden thought that the Warner Brothers would be angry then wondered why he thought that.

He watched the monster shrug off missiles and grenades and knew what he had to do. He licked his dry lips and spoke into his com unit. "Drop the bomb."

And the N2 mine descended...

It didn't work, of course.

~*~

Back in the security lounge...

Rei examined her fingernails and wondered if they made a polish that would go with her blue hair and white skin. Then she noticed a giant ball of light appearing in the middle of the room. She had to squint to protect her eyes from the sheer radiance of it.

THIS IS KAMI-SAMA, a voice boomed from within the ball of light. I NEED YOU TO STOP THE SECOND CHILD.

"No."

NO? I AM YOUR CREATOR. YOU DO NOT SAY NO TO ME-

"I know it is you, Nguyen-san."

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT... Oh, darn it." The light faded to reveal a sorry-looking Author. "How did you know it was me, anyway?"

"Only you would be so melodramatic."

Vincent began to shrink a little.

"It is in poor taste to interrupt a story with a Self-Insert..."

Vincent continued shrinking.

"...and much more so to make yourself God."

Vincent was now the size of a soda can. He shook himself and returned to his original size. "Be that as it may, would you please get out there before Asuka destroys Japan?"

"No."

"Are you still mad that I made you an almost unstoppable killing machine bent on world destruction in the last chapter?"

"Enough gratuitous violence has been done to me."

"What?! So you were blown up by one measly bomb. You got to slaughter half of NERV! That's got to count for something."

Rei stared at him impassively.

Seeing that this approach wasn't working, Vincent switched tactics. "What will it take to get you out there? Money?"

"No."

"Men?"

"No."

"Women?"

Rei's eyes flashed.

Vincent cringed. "I knew that would get a reaction. Heh. Ahem. All right, here's my final offer! One night of you and Shinji having wild, passionate sex. No interruptions."

"Nu-" Rei paused for a moment. "That will be acceptable."

~*~

Back outside the Geofront...

Asuka roared in triumph. She stomped down what remained of the area with anger and a warped kind of joy thundering through her veins. She mightily resisted an urge to climb a skyscraper and roar her superiority to the world. She decided to do that right here.

"I AM THE BEST!!! NO ONE CAN DEFEAT ASUKA LANGLEY SORYU!!!

"I'd like to test that theory," a quiet voice said.

Asuka turned and saw the bluehaired girl she hated so much. So Wondergirl's come out to play? Killing her would be so sweet. Asuka let out a battle cry. "IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!"

Asuka bore down on Rei at full speed. She launched out a meaty fist that slammed into a familiar red hexagonal shield. The resulting shockwave knocked down whatever remained standing. Asuka growled at this unexpected development. She redoubled her efforts. The ground began to crack at her fury, but she failed to penetrate the AT Field.

Panting just a little, Asuka glared at her enemy. "AYANAMI! COME OUT, YOU COWARD! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME THAT WAY!"

"You are correct." With those words, the force field around Rei disappeared.

Asuka grinned toothily. Then she decided to savor her victory a bit. Lowering her voice to a more normal range, she said, "Well, well. I didn't think you had it in you. Giving yourself to a bloody, pointless death. How noble. How brave. How utterly moronic."

She gave Rei a look of disdain. "So what's your master plan for stopping me?"

An actual smirk appeared on the First Child's face. It was eerily similar to the one Gendo wore. Rei said softly, "I talked to your mother."

"What are you talking-"

A shadow was cast over both her and Ayanami. Asuka looked up and gulped. It was amazing how quietly a giant robot could sneak up on a person.

The voice of Kyoko Zepplin Langley boomed from the mouth of Unit 02. "Asuka Langley Soryu, I am very disappointed in you. What have I told you about controlling your temper? And here you are running amuck and throwing a tantrum."

A giant hand reached out for the terrified girl. "I think someone needs a spanking."

"NO, MAMA! NO!"

~*~

On the NERV bridge...

The crew could only stare silently at the screen. They didn't know what was more improbable. The sight of a multi-story robot chasing a red Hulk wannabe or the sight of Rei Ayanami rolling on the ground laughing hysterically.

Finally, Misato grinned then said, "Talk about your Deux Ex Machina."

Everyone groaned.

~*~

Author's Aftersection

Vincent (facing audience): I know somebody's going to bring this up so let me take care of it now. I said only Rei could *stop* Asuka. And she did. With her AT Field. Isn't literalism wonderful? Anyway, anybody ever notice how much Asuka resembles Akane in some fics? All she does when she gets angry is scream the same old insults and resort to physical violence like a mindless beast. Don't you think a genius and college graduate could come up with scathing sarcastic remarks or create elegant plans of revenge? That would be an interesting change. But that's just my opinion.

(Shinji comes into the room)

Shinji: You wanted to see me?

(Vincent tosses him a bag of condoms)

Vincent: You're going to be busy tonight.

Shinji: Wha-?

(Asuka bursts in)

Asuka: Hey, no fair! Why does Wondergirl get him?

Vincent: Okay, you can have him tomorrow night.

Shinji: Don't I get any say in this?

Vincent: Have you ever gotten any say in anything?

Shinji: Well, no, but-

Vincent: So why start now? Have fun kids!

(Vincent pushes a button and the two Children vanish)

Vincent (adopting Thinker pose): Shinji doth protest too much, methinks.

*Footnotes:

(1) You ever have to explain to a friend that manga are *not* comic books? Surely, the Japanese have a similar problem!

(2) Do you know that in Florida if you give up an hour of your time to pretend to be interested in getting a timeshare, you'll get free passes to Universal Studios? Well, maybe not all the timeshare places do this, but the one I went to did. Yeah, I'm cheap.

*Apologies to all respective owners for my references to:

-Hulk the Comic, Hulk the Movie, Fantastic Four, James Bond, Ranma ½, King Kong, Rodin, and Shakespeare for mangling his words.