Summary: The author is inserted into the HP universe, via the Hellsing Institute.
Crossover: Hellsing
Category: Self Insertion
Disclaimer: I own all! All, I say! Hahaha-*bzzzzzzzzt* ... pretty lawyers... ownering lawyers... ooo, lookit da sparks...
Feedback: I'm an attention wh0re!
Pre-fic Comments:
There may be a fair amount of Hellsing before I get into the HP stuff. This is the first HP fic I've done, so be kind. Some bad language and swearing is in this.
To clear things up, the character inserted already knows about Hellsing, but not HarryPotter.
Wordage in parseltongue is formatted "*like this.*"
* * *
Have any of you ever helped a Masters postgrad studying for his Doctorate?
For future reference, if you do, if he says 'don't touch', he damn well means don't touch.
The man I was helping was studying some kind of interdimensional theory, and trying to find physical data to back this up. I wasn't entirely certain of the details -- I was a computer systems student, not a physics student. The lasery thingies in his lab needed someone to monitor them and take notes while he experimented, and I needed money.
Sweet, sweet money with which goodness can be purchased. And getting to play with monstrously powerful research equipment, of course.
Where was I?
Ah, yes.
The guy I was working for was the one fiddling with the equipment set up in the main chamber, I was the one in charge of setting the lasers up, taking dictation, and noting everything that happened and the settings used. I had set the lasers up for an hour long session, and he was carefully adjusting the apparatus that was the main focus of the experiment. I would have read a book to relieve the boredom, but for the dictation every now and then.
I tried poking a pencil into the beam of one of the main lasers, just to see what would happen. To my disappointment, nothing did. Next, I tried a finger while the boss dude altered the settings.
... the hell? Why was my finger evaporating?
More to the point, /I/ was evaporating!
* * *
I found myself condensing back into a material form in a distinctly British room that was bare, except for a desk and three people.
A blonde woman in a green suit with a cold look, a greyhaired man with a monocle over one eye and dressed in a suit, and a man with a long red coat and hat on. I was in the headquarters for Britain's top vampire hunting institution, and was looking at the Angel of Death, a No Life King, and Integra Wingates Hellsing.
"I am in sooo much shit," I muttered. "Hey, what the hell? What happened to my voice?"
The blonde, Integra, drew a compact handgun from under her jacket and pointed it at me in one smooth motion. "Who are you? Are you with Section 13, or the FREAK chip vampires?"
"No," I said. "I don't get it, one moment I'm helping some physicist, the next I'm in Hellsing?"
"You know of us?," the greyhaired man, Walter C Dorneas asked.
"Yeah," I said. "The guy was working on interdimensional stuff, maybe I shouldn't've touched his stuff... oh crap..."
I looked up, thinking as fast as I could. Either this was the anime, or it was the manga version of Hellsing. "What was the last thing to happen here?"
"The Valentine brothers invaded Hellsing," the greyhaired man replied.
"That was cool, watching you take down that loser vampire," I said to the man in the red coat, Alucard. "I... don't suppose you've got any way of sending me back to my world?"
"No," Integra said. "You are welcome to stay here, as long as you stay out of trouble. I won't send a ten year old out on the streets."
I blinked. "The hell? Why am I now ten years old?! Stupid-ass researcher. Do I have to bunk down with the police girl? I mean, now I'm not old enough to have any fun!"
Alucard laughed out loud at this. "Master, I think I like this one."
"What is your name?," Walter asked.
"I don't have a name in this world," I said softly. "It's possible that I have a counterpart here already -- I don't want to mess my double's life up any more than it is."
Alucard and Walter locked eyes briefly.
"If Integra won't give you her name," he said, crouching to my new height, "I will, Vlad."
The blonde female leader of Hellsing - 'Her Royal England Legions of Legitimate Supernatural and Immortal Night Guard' - got up from behind her desk and pulled out a thin, tightly wrapped cigar. "Welcome to Hellsing, Vlad Hellsing."
Alucard bared an arm, drawing blood with a nail. "I won't turn you, but I will share blood."
I nervously stepped forwards. The vampire painlessly cut my arm, then pressed his cut against mine, mingling our blood.
* * *
The next day, I came across Walter working on his laptop. I frowned, thinking to myself. I needed a computer.
"Hey, Walter, that computer must be getting old," I said carefully. "You should probably get a new one."
The old butler looked up at me, obviously onto what I wanted. "It does what I wants."
"Old laptops develop a memory in their batteries and the parts are more prone to failing," I pointed out. "You don't want to risk it breaking."
Walter smiled. "And what would I do with this one, then?"
"Well," I mused out loud, "I need some portable computer system."
* * *
A week later found Alucard, the police girl and I sneaking along the corridor to the kitchens.
"Substitute?," I whispered.
"Check," Seras Victoria, the police girl, whispered back.
"Transfer to main operative," I whispered.
Seras gave Alucard the bags that she was carrying.
"Main operative status?," I whispered.
"Normal and ready," Alucard whispered, grinning like mad.
"Proceed with second phase," I whispered.
Alucard melted through the door to the kitchens. After a few minutes, he returned with a bag full of multicoloured tins.
"Did you get everything?," I asked in a normal voice.
The vampire held up the bag. "I've got all of Walter's tea. This was a good idea, Vlad!"
"We'll get in trouble!," Seras protested.
"Not so loud!," I hissed. "Let's get outta here before Walter comes along!"
Half an hour later, the voice of a supremely offended elderly British butler rang through the Hellsing manor.
"WHO TOOK THE TEA LEAVES AND REPLACED THEM WITH COFFEE?!?!"
Thank God it only took a case of Earl Grey tea bags to get back in Walter's good books.
* * *
I later asked Alucard how he did that phase-through-walls thing.
"How do you do that, anyway? Is it a vampire thing?"
He-who-never-takes-off-his-coat smirked. "No, it's magic."
"You're joking," I said. "There's no such thing."
The vampire unbuttoned his dress shirt and pulled out a pendant from underneath, taking it off. "This allows me to do it. Most of the time, though I do it myself rather than use the pendant."
I looked at it, weighing it in my hand. "So I could do that if I wanted?"
Alucard shook his head. "No. It needs magic to operate, and so--"
He stopped talking abruptly as my hand that /wasn't/ holding the pendant phased through the wall before getting stuck there.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!"
* * *
Integra arched her fingers and looked at me over them. We were in her office, with Alucard standing behind me. I had just given her a report on what I remembered of Hellsing canon.
"So, you can do magic. You don't have any plans here, so I propose to send you to the finest school in Britain that teaches magic," she said.
"Uh, Oxford?," I guessed.
"Hogwarts," the blonde corrected me.
Alucard groaned. It was the first time I'd heard him do that. "Maaaaster, they're all stick in the muds there!"
"It's a school, Alucard, of course they are," I sighed. "Still, I don't really want to go through calculus and statistics again."
"If you continue to bother people," Integra continued, "then you will not go."
"Seras didn't mind me dying her clothes red!," I protested. Alucard snickered behind me -- he'd gotten a lot of mileage for jokes out of that.
"I don't like coffee," Integra said simply. Her eyes narrowed. "Alucard will take you to the necessary shops tomorrow to purchase your supplies needed for Hogwarts -- the term starts in two weeks, and the train leaves the day before. I've written to the headmaster there, and they have replied with your acceptance letter."
"Right," I said. "What budget limits do I have?"
"What's on your list, and twenty pounds extra," Integra snapped. "And nothing on jokes or illegal items!"
* * *
The next day, Alucard borrowed Walter's Nissan and took me into London. He parked outside a small pub called 'The Leaky Cauldron'.
"Alucard, if Integra finds out we're going to a pub instead of these magic shops, she's gonna have your head," I said as we entered.
The pub was much like I envisioned an English pub, all stained wood and smoke hanging in the corner where a group of old men sat. Behind the bar, an old man was cleaning a glass. He looked up when we entered.
"Ah, Alucard! How good to see you again! I'm afraid I don't have your usual stocked up, sorry," the publican said. "Is Walter doing alright?"
"Walter's busy with work today, and I can't stop," Alucard said, taking off his red glasses. "I'm here to take Vlad shopping."
One of a group of little old women at a table looked up, and spotted the tall vampire.
"Oh, look," she said, poking one of her friends. "It's the Hellsing vampire!"
A bell jingled as another party entered the pub. A giant man in an enormous overcoat and a shortish boy with black hair, green eyes and a mondo bizarro scar across his forehead.
"Alucard!," the giant man roared. "Tom! Good to see you!"
"The usual, Hagrid?," the publican, 'Tom', asked.
"Can't, I'm on Hogwarts business," Hagrid replied. "But Alucard, I want to have a word with you about that favour you owe me."
The vampire looked nervous as Hagrid sat him down. "Er, we were both drunk when we played that game of horseshoes..."
I wandered over to the boy while the giant Hagrid and Alucard started argueing over... pixies? Fairies? Something disgustingly cute sounding.
"Hi, Vlad Hellsing," I introduced myself. "Nice to meet you. You starting at that school too?"
"Ah, I'm Harry," the boy said. "I'm going to Hogwarts, too."
One of the old ladies head turned. "Harry Potter!," she shrieked.
And then I lost him to a mob of people. Apparently, he was some kind of celebrity. I decided to see how Alucard and Hagrid were doing.
The vampire eagerly grabbed my shoulder. "Sorry, Hagrid, can't stop, have to get Vlad his school supplies! Haha!"
"You seem entirely too happy to get away from him," I said as we went out the back.
"Quiet," Alucard muttered. "I owe him a boxful of pink winged fairies, and I'm /not/ going to sort /that/ out in public."
"Does Integra know you're into pink winged fairies?"
"She won't if you remember that I still have those photos of you in the bath."
Alucard led me out the back of the pub, to a small alleyway. He stopped at the end, where there was a brick wall. I was about to make a sarcastic comment, when he did /something/ and the wall opened up into an arch, revealing...
"Dear God in Heaven," I muttered. "I always knew the English were mad, but /this/?"
A busy, marketplace like street. There was a stand of cauldrons in all shapes, sizes, makes and materials. One shop window had bunches of dry, dead things in the windows, and another had a group of small boys windowshopping.
"Amen," Alucard said. "The first place we have to go is to get you some robes. Something tasteful in leather?"
I grinned as we moved towards a clothes shop marked 'Madam Malkins Robes For All Occasions'. "Sounds good to me."
A small, smiling witch scurried up to us. "Hello, are you needing a new suit already?"
"I'm not here for me," Alucard said, "but the boy here needs a set of robes for school."
I looked around the shop, taking in the clothes sold. There was an overwhelming amount of black and silver... bloody hell.
"I'm not wearing a fu--um, dress," I said.
The witch, who must have been Madam Malkin, shoo'ed me onto a footstool. "Nonsense, the girls will love you in them."
Then she pulled one of those dresses mockingly called robes over my head.
"We were hoping for something tight in leather, with a whip if you have them," Alucard joked.
"We're fresh out," Madam Malkin stated dryly, obviously used to the old vampire. She went quiet as she held some pins in her mouth, pinning the robe to the right length.
"Hello," a boy next to us said. He was blonde, with silver eyes. "Hogwarts, too?"
"No," I said, "this is for my next sewer crawl. Just the thing for wading in garbage, don't you know?"
The boy laughed at this, and his voice picked up from a disaffected drawl. "I'm Draco Malfoy."
"Vlad Hellsing," I said. The boy obviously recognised my new family name.
"My father is next door buying my books," said Malfoy, "and my mother is looking at wands. Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms -- I don't see why first years can't have their own. I think I'll bully Father into buying one, and I'll smuggle it in."
"Get a Bag of Holding, then," Alucard chipped in. "They're expensive, but good for things like that. Do they still use wands, holding that all else is heresy?"
"It's more a case of how fast you can learn," the witch pinning Draco's clothes said. "They say it takes longer with athame."
Alucard muttered something in another language that no one could understand.
"Have you got your own broom?," Malfoy asked.
"Do you?," I returned.
"Touche'. And fair enough. Play Quidditch at all?," was the next question.
"I'm normally at Hellsing Manor, which is surrounded by unmagical, easily spooked farmers," I improvised, having no clue what the boy was going on about.
"What a shame! Know what House you'll be in?"
"Slytherin's the only decent house," Alucard butted in. "Vlad, Gryffindor are like Father Anderson -- charging into the mincer regardless of the odds. Ravenclaw are bookworms, nose in the clouds. Hufflepuff blindly /follow/ the Gryffindors into the mincer. Unless they've changed since I was last at Hogwarts."
Draco Malfoy blinked. "That's quite possibly the best summary I've heard. Might I ask who you are?"
Alucard smirked widely. "Alucard Sepet Dalv, of the Hellsing Institute."
The blonde boy gasped. He started fishing around his pockets for something, ignoring the assistant telling him to hold still. "You're Alucard?! Can I have your autograph?"
The vampire took a photograph of him and signed it with a permanent marker for Draco, then handed it back.
Malkin spoke up, having finished the pinning. "That's you done, my dear."
"Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts," Draco said as I stepped down from the stool.
"When should the rest of the required clothing be finished?," I asked.
"Give us five minutes," Malkin said.
Alucard dragged me to the bookshop, next. While we were searching for the required textbooks, I bumped into a girl with brown hair. The two of us lost our piles as we lost our balance.
"Sorry, sorry," I apologised.
"It's no problem," the girl sighed. "I'm Hermione. Oh, are you starting at Hogwarts too?"
"Yeah," I admitted. "I'm Vlad Hellsing. I'm gonna have fun shaking up that place."
"I don't know much about it," admitted Hermione. "My family is non magical -- Muggle, as the wizards put it."
"Well, if you have trouble, look me up," I grinned. We had finished picking up our books by now.
Alucard and I quickly collected the remaining required textbooks, then I looked up at him.
"What's my budget for extra books, again?," I asked.
"Twenty pounds," Alucard said. "I'll cover anything over, as long as you include some curse books!"
We had a quiet laugh at this, attracting a few odd looks from people in odd clothing. I turned to look at the shelves, then drew out a book called "Absolute Anarchy: How To Scare Your Friends And Frighten Your Enemies" by I. H. Eight. This was gonna be a great year.
In the end, I had picked up about fifteen extra books on curses, theory, transformations, shapeshifting, and some on potions. Also in the small shopping basket, or cauldron as the case was, was the equipment for brewing potions. The shopkeeper gave me a very nervous look when we lugged the many pounds of paper to the counter, but Alucard explained it away as being for him, for research. He ended up having to do the eye hypnotism thing to get the clerk to stop annoying us about it, after the clerk shrunk the books for us.
We quickly left the shop as the shopkeeper said "There... is... no problem" repeatedly, hoping no one realised it was us. Thankfully, Madam Malkin had the robes ready by now.
In the apothecary, I resisted the urge to ask if they sold anything to mask the godawful smell of all those ingredients! How the man lived in there, I have no idea. We got the basic Hogwarts collection, and Alucard got a custom collection of items that I didn't really recognise, adding the bags to our collection.
And the best part of /that/ was that the strong vampire couldn't ask me, who had a ten year old body, to carry any of it!
Out in the street, Alucard looked at me. "We still have to get an animal, and some other books they don't sell in that bookshop."
"What kind of animal?," I asked.
"Cat, owl, toad, rat or snake," Alucard said from memory. "Those have been the rules for at least eight hundred years."
"Can't stand vermin or birds," I said, "so it'll have to be cat or snake. And I can't give a cat the attention it'd need, and snakes are cool."
The vampire looked at me, surprised. "You like them?"
I nodded. "Back where I come from, there are no snakes. Why did you say at least eight hundred years?"
"I haven't been in touch with them for the last two hundred."
The pet shop was much like I remember normal petshops, full of noisy animals and noisy people. The only changes were the animals and the books, which included titles like "Your Rat And You," by R. A. Tree.
I dragged the vampire over to the snake tanks, careful not to startle them by getting too close, then gasped as I heard something.
They were talking.
"A-A-Alucard?," I whispered.
"What?"
"Are they supposed to be talking?"
Hellsing's best operative grinned madly at this. "Only to people who can hear and talk to them. It looks like you got something from my blood, Vlad."
"*Sstupid humanss,*" one snake said. It was long, and a dark tan colour. The inside of the mouth was black. "*They can't sstand to look at uss, but keep uss all the same.*"
"*People are stupid,*" I said experimentally, "*and full of stupid prejudices.*"
The snake's head whipped around to look at me, and it raised itself to get a better look. "*You can sspeak to me?*"
"*Looks like it,*" I shrugged. "*One more weird thing about magic.*"
"*Well, Vlad, it looks like you've found your companion,*" Alucard said. I wasn't surprised that he could do this speaking to snakes thing -- apparently I'd gotten it from his blood.
I got the distinct impression of a grin, although it was plainly impossible for the snake. "*A willing companion, no less.*"
Alucard reached his hand into the tank, unafraid of any of the other snakes in there, and the snake that we were talking to slithered up his arm easily on the outside of his coat sleeve. It was about four feet long and thin.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
In case you hadn't guessed, that is the sound of a shopful of people screaming as Alucard and I walked fearlessly to the counter, the snake coiled around Alucard's arm.
"How much?," Alucard asked, smirking.
"F-free," the clerk, a teenaged boy, said.
Us three had a good laugh at that outside. Then we went onto a shop marked 'Ollivanders: Makers Of Fine Wands since 382 BC.' A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion on the display. I guess you don't need to advertise very hard when people have to buy from you. A small bell rang as we entered.
"Ah, yes," a voice said. "It's good to see you again, Alucard."
I jumped turning to see an old man with large, silvery eyes.
"I see the shop has prospered since my initial investment," Alucard said. "I've come for the boy to get his wand, and an athame for him."
Mr Ollivander nodded. "Of course. Now, Mr Hellsing, let me see... which arm is your wand arm?"
I stood still, wordlessly holding my right arm up in the air. I assumed my writing arm would suffice. A measuring tape started moving around me of it's own volition as the old shopkeeper began moving around the shop, picking up various wands.
"Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Mr Hellsing. Of course, you'd know this, living with one of the senior partners. We use Unicorn hair, phoenix tail feathers, and dragon heartstrings. No two wands are alike, and each is particular to a wizard. Now, let me see...
"Try this one," he continued, holding up a wand. "Oak and dragon heartstring, ten inches. Yes, give it a wave. No, try this one, yew, unicorn hair eight inches... no..."
He continued like this through what felt like half the stock of the shop before he produced one that did something.
"This one, kauri and dragon heartstring. Thirteen inches, only kauri wand I made, rather exotic wood from New Zealand... yes, that's it!"
A stream of silver sparks flew through the darkness of the shop. Mr Ollivander took the wand off me, putting it back in it's box and wrapping it in brown paper.
"A beginner's knife, too," Alucard said before Ollivander rang up the price. The old man put a foot long one sided knife into a box and wrapped that up, too.
"What's the difference?," I asked. "Between a wand and a knife."
"The wand is easier to learn for higher magic," Alucard said, "while the knife is better for low level magic."
"Fifteen Galleons," Mr Ollivander said. Alucard paid him.
Outside the shop, I stopped Alucard to catch my breath mentally.
"So, we've got everything now except for a few books?," I asked.
"*I hope so,*" the snake hissed. "*Vampire, I want to move to Vlad's shoulders.*"
"*Your command,*" Alucard said mockingly as he let the snake slide down his arm to my shoulders. It wound itself around my neck, most of its tail wound around my right arm.
The vampire hushed me quickly while we moved down a side alley that didn't get much sunlight. A sign above a shop selling evil smelling candles announced that it was 'Knockturn Alley.' He told me to wait outside while he got some books. I sat on the steps to the shop, which was marked 'Borgin and Burkes.'
"*Are you poisonous?,*" I asked the snake.
It replied affirmatively.
"*I would advise you to not bite anyone,*" I said to it. "*Other people react adversely to death.*"
"*Sstrange, that,*" the snake agreed.
"*You're surprisingly intelligent,*" I commented.
"*Are you trying to ssay ssomesing?*"
"*No, not at all, just surprised at how smart you seem to be. I mean, you can understand the English language.*"
"*Mosst of my kind can,*" it said with some pride.
"*Do you have a name and a gender?*"
"*Ssar. I am male,*" he said dryly. "*And your vampire is coming back.*"
I turned around to see that Alucard was, indeed, coming out of the shop with half a dozen more books. We then went back to the Nissan outside the pub and the magical street.
"You have to remember one thing," he said as we drove back to Hellsing Manor. "Wizards today are blind."
I thought this over. "You mean they perceive the world as black and white, when it's really shades of grey?"
Alucard nodded. "They don't like their illusions being shattered. My advice to you for Hogwarts is to find a complex of unused rooms and ward them as your own once you've learnt how. There are miles and wings of unused areas that no one's gone near for centuries. Claim a workroom and learn what I'm giving you in secret, telling no one."
"Grey skills?," I asked. "Like Walter's computer hacking?"
Alucard nodded.
I grinned. "Hacking reality is gonna be /fun/."
* * *
It had been about two weeks since the shopping trip. I had been reading the book, but was unable to try using my new wand since the letter had forbidden underage magic.
Somehow, with much swearing, I had managed to fit all my books, herbs, and clothes into the chest that Walter had given me. I think Integra tended to avoid me because of my tendencies towards bad language. Then I tried picking up the trunk.
G*DD*MM*T!
I didn't know books weighed that much. And they seemed so light... I guess thirty odd books, three hundred CDs and a laptop computer add up. Alucard had a good laugh at me from the doorway.
"The hell of it is that I've read about some spells to lighten or shrink it," I muttered.
"*Poor Vlad can't take everything?,*" Ssar mocked from my bed, which had a hot water bottle under the covers.
"Use the knife," Alucard suggested. "They can't detect that."
I got the athame out from the chest and drew it from it's sheath. It resembled a tanto in shape. "Okay, oh wise one, how do I use it?"
The vampire moved over to me, guiding my right hand holding the knife. "The following motions make an object shrink and lighten. Feel the power along the edge as you move it... yes, like that."
As he guided my hand, and thus the knife, a complex design made of lines of light grew in the air. With the final, stabbing motion, it descended onto the chest. The wooden container shrank abruptly to a manageable size.
"Thanks!," I said.
"*You're forgetting something,*" Ssar said. "*Teach the boy how to unshrink it.*"
"Like this."
And he did a similar, but far simpler series of guiding motions which unshrank the chest.
"Won't this disrupt any magical things in it?," I asked.
"So only use it on your books."
"What now?"
"Practice."
And so I did, with much comments from the peanut gallery on my bed.
