Summary: The author is inserted into the HP universe, via the Hellsing Institute.

Crossover: Hellsing

Category: Self Insertion

Disclaimer: I own all! All, I say! Hahaha-*bzzzzzzzzt* ... pretty lawyers... ownering lawyers... ooo, lookit da sparks...

Feedback: I'm an attention wh0re!

Pre-fic Comments:

I was completely impartial regarding which House Harry went in. I assigned one even numbers, the other odd, and used a die to decide. Three rolls, three even numbers.

There may be a fair amount of Hellsing before I get into the HP stuff. This is the first HP fic I've done, so be kind. Some bad language and swearing is in this.

To clear things up, the character inserted already knows about Hellsing, but not HarryPotter.

Wordage in parseltongue is formatted "*like this.*" Wordage in mental kinda speak is ~like this.~

* * *

The train trip to Hogwarts was... unique. The train ticket had '9 3/4' marked as the platform for departure. Walter loaded my chest (containing shrunken books and normal everything else) into the boot of Integra's Rolls Royce, and we left for Kings Cross train station. Ssar was under my shirt, wrapped around my torso, with his head peeking out from my collar.

"There will be school owls to send us mail," Integra said on the way there. "I expect a status report once a week."

"Seras will come in two weeks to check on you," Alucard said from the front seat. "The Headmaster has been told, and knows that she's a vampire."

"Okay," I said. "Hey, do you know anything about a Draco Malfoy?"

"Yes, why?"

"I met him at Madam Malkins, while we were getting new clothes. He seemed like a smart guy."

"The Malfoys have always been rather... /aware/ of class," Walter said from the driver's seat.

"Gotcha." It looked like I was gonna have to work on him.

"We're here, Lady Integra."

"Have you got your bag of goodies?," Alucard asked me. I held up a schoolbag in reassurance. The vampire had put a spell on it that ensured the inside was larger than it's actual capacity.

As we got out of the expensive car, a newer model pulled up behind it. Draco and his family.

"... and Draco, you're to act as behooves your station," a beautiful woman said as a servant of some sort loaded his chest onto a trolley.

"Yes, Mother," he said, then spotted me. "Ah, Hellsing! Good to see you again!"

Integra pulled out one of her small cigars, lighting it. "Narcissus, Lucius, Draco. Good to see you."

The older man turned to look at the blonde woman. "Lady Hellsing, how good to see you. I met your father once, a credit to your family. Is there another meeting for the Twelve Conventions, since the last one was interrupted so rudely?"

Integra nodded gravely. Personally, I couldn't imagine how someone could dismiss two vampires and an army of zombies as 'rude'.

"Come on, Vlad!," Draco said, tugging my hand before his mother gave him a small, but stern glare for his lack of manners. Draco, Alucard, Walter and I began walking towards Platforms 9 and 10.

"Right," I said. "Alucard, I can take care of my stuff now."

"Have you got your ticket?," Walter asked. I held up the stub of paper to reassure him.

"I've also got all my letters, books, supplies," I reassured him. "And that insurance we spoke of."

Walter smiled widely. "Use it wisely."

"Come on," Alucard said, "through this wall here."

I looked at it. It stretched between the 9 and 10 platforms, and blindingly obviously hid a secret platform of some sort. The people around me ignored it. I moved towards it, activating the phasing through pendant that Alucard had given me.

On the other side, I accidentally moved through a motherly woman escorting a small horde of redheaded children.

"Sorry," I apologised.

She turned around while I re-solidified. "Nothing done, don't worry dear."

Behind me, Draco and Alucard went through. Alucard had phased out Draco, a hand on his shoulder.

A pair of boys who looked about thirteen goggled at the three of us. "Did you... phase through?"

I blinked. "Yeah, Alucard gave me a pendant for it."

Draco pulled my arm. "Come on, Hellsing, or we won't get a good compartment."

"Later, Alucard!," I yelled. "Come visit sometime!"

The vampire grinned at us as we got on the train, hauling our chests behind us. Together, Draco and I got a compartment that was still bereft of other students.

"This is going to be great!," Draco enthused. "Where have Crabbe and Goyle gotten to?"

"Crabbe and Goyle?," I asked. "Friends?"

"Servants," Draco explained. "They're useful for work, but rarely for thought."

"Perhaps we'll luck out and they'll stay with the jocks, then," I said dryly.

A boy opened the door hesitantly. He was rather short, with black hair and green eyes. "Is it okay if I sit in here?"

"I know you!," I said. "You were at the pub with that friend of Alucard's! Come, have a seat."

Draco gaped as he recognised the boy. "You're... you're the Boy Who Lived, aren't you?!"

"Yeah, I'm Harry Potter," Harry said, pulling his shaggy hair back to show a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

"So, that's where You Know Who tried to kill you?," Draco asked.

"Never take a career as a psychologist, Draco," I remarked. "And I don't know who -- could you elaborate?"

Harry looked up. "An evil wizard - Voldemort killed my parents and... when he tried to kill me, it rebounded on him."

"He's famous, Hellsing," Draco said.

"Call me Vlad, please. That would explain why he got mobbed at the Leaky Cauldron, then."

I opened my bag, digging through it until I found a paper bag. I pulled it out and offered it around. "Russian Caramel, anyone?"

Harry took two, and Draco had a careful look at them before taking four. "Er... what are these?"

"Sugar, mainly," Harry said, chewing on one. "It's been years since I had one!"

I grinned as I had one myself. "I'm going to form a group once we're at Hogwarts, for pranks and secret plans and such. Are you two in?"

Another boy poked his head in through the door. He had shaggy red hair. "Can I sit here? Only the rest of the train is full."

"Weasley," Draco said, a tone of disdain colouring his voice. "The family with more children than Galleons."

"Quiet, Draco," I growled. "Feel free to sit in here."

The boy did so, sitting next to Harry and giving Draco a nasty look.

"Russian caramel?," I offered. The boy took ten.

"I'm Ron," he introduced himself. Harry and I introduced ourselves.

"Riffraff," Draco sniffed, while Ron wow'ed over Harry Potter talking to him.

"Draco, you're being stupid," I said. "What is the basis for your behaviour? Give me a good, solid reason."

Draco looked horrified. "The Weasleys have no money and no estate!"

"From the sound of it," I said, "they've got plenty of people, which outweights the lack of money."

"He's right," Ron said. "Last time a goblin insulted cousin Murray at Gringotts Bank, Mum got the whole Weasley clan to withdraw their money."

Draco blushed bright red. "Perhaps you may have something there. Isn't Gringotts still giving your family that special interest rate?"

"What?," Harry asked.

"They lost a lot of potential income until Grout apologised," Draco explained.

Ron Weasley gave Draco a hard look. "You might not be too bad for a Malfoy."

"You're stereotyping too," I said. Weasley had the decency to blush at this.

A witch came along with a trolley, selling lollies. "Anything off the cart, dears?"

Draco bought a fair amount, and Harry bought something of everything.

"You buying anything, Vlad?," Ron asked.

"No thanks, got plenty here," I said, holding up my bag. "Nice time for lunch."

Ron got out some sandwiches, and looked at them. "She always forgets I don't like corned beef."

"Swap you for one of these," Harry said, holding up a pastry he had bought. "Go on..."

Draco looked about to open his gob again, so I elbowed him before he said something rude. He gave me a hurt look until I gave him the last of the Russian Caramels.

"You don't want this," Ron said, "it's all dry. Of course, she hasn't got much time, with all five of us..."

"Go on..." Harry said, who looked happy to be sharing.

I dug through my bag, around my other travelling things, until I found another paper bag. I brought it out of the black bag and opened it.

"Lessee... what did I have in here... ah ha!"

"What, Vlad?," Draco asked. "Something decent?"

"Meat pies, anyone?," I asked, pulling four inch sized cubes from the paper bag. I had practiced my shrinking spell Alucard had taught me on them as well as the books.

"Uh... they're kinda small," Harry pointed out.

"*I want one,*" Ssar said, who had woken up. "*That rat the boy has will do nicely.*"

Ron got up in a hurry, scattering chocolate frogs on the floor. "Snake!"

"Sit down," I commanded. "Ssar isn't going to hurt you unless you step on him. Ssar, leave the rat alone."

"*Can't have any fun,*" the snake complained as it slithered into my lap, and coiled up.

"Can... can I touch him?," Harry asked.

"Sure, but don't hurt him," I said. Ssar stiffened at Harry approaching me, then relaxed once Harry proved to not be hostile. "He's somewhat nervous."

"Pies, Vlad?," Draco prompted. I pulled my knife from the bag as well, and went through the motions to undo the shrinking spell.

"Bugger," I muttered, looking at the cold pies. "I can't remember how to heat them up."

"A-aren't snakes not allowed?," Harry asked.

"According to Alucard, they've been allowed at Hogwarts for at least eight hundred years," I said.

"He's right," Ron said. "Snakes aren't illegal, they're just... not mentioned."

"And most won't touch them due to Lord Vo--uh, You Know Who," Draco continued. He and Ron were still giving each other nasty looks, but they appeared to have agreed to disagree. "I know a heating spell! /Infernus!/"

Four somewhat charred pies later, we were licking our fingers.

"Walter makes damn good pies," I said.

A bushy-haired girl poked her head in the door. "Have any of you seen Neville's toad?"

"*I was ssaving it for laters,*" Ssar complained. "*In the corner.*"

I sighed. "In the corner there. Ssar was apparently saving it for later."

She laughed, assuming I was joking. "Right, I'll take it to him. Uh... on second thought, I'll go get Neville and /he/ can pick it up."

"Don't blame the mudblood," Draco muttered. "Who'd want to pick up a slimy toad..."

Harry looked at a card he'd gotten from a Chocolate Frog packet. "So, this is Dumbledore."

He held it up proudly for the rest of us to look at. It had a picture of an old guy with a brief description underneath. The man in the picture winked at us, then walked out of the frame and disappeared.

"Don't tell me you've never heard of Dumbledore!," Ron said.

"Yes, even Weasley has heard of him," Draco said.

"Can I have a frog? I might get Agrippa," Ron asked. Harry handed him a Frog packet.

Draco frowned at a card he'd pulled from a Frog packet. "I've got one here, but I've already got five. Have you got a Francis Bacon?"

The two boys from differing social classes carefully swapped cards, as if the other had poured poisoned their card somehow. The girl from before opened the door, a roundfaced boy right behind her.

"Trevor!," the boy yelled, spotting the toad. He picked him up and left for his own compartment.

"Hermione, right?," I asked, placing the girl. "From the bookshop?"

"That's right, you're Vlad Hellsing, who was going to shake the place up!," she grinned. "Mind if I stay here?"

"Go for it," I said. "Pie?"

I unshrunk a pie for her, and Draco heated it. It was a bit less overcooked this time -- he'd learnt from the previous four slightly burnt pies.

"Thanks!," she said, licking her fingers afterwards. "Good pies, who makes them?"

"Walter, the butler at Hellsing."

Ron pulled out a wand, looking at the rat sleeping on his lap. "Scabbers might have died, and you wouldn't know the difference."

"Apart from the smell," I dryly observed.

"I doubt the smell would change much, Vlad," Draco added.

"I tried to turn him yellow yesterday to make him more interesting, but the spell didn't work," Ron continued, ignoring us. "Here, I'll show you."

The red headed boy cleared his throat. "Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow."

The sleeping rat resolutely stayed grey and somnolent.

"Are you sure that's a real spell?" said the girl. "Well, it's not very good, is it? I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked for me. Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course, I mean, it's the very best school of witchcraft there is, I've heard -- I've learned all our course books by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough -- I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?"

I blinked. "Do you breathe?"

Hermione gave me a hurt look.

"Malfoy, Draco Malfoy," Draco introduced himself.

"Ron Weasley."

"Bond, James Bond," I said. Harry and Hermione laughed while Draco and Ron looked at me weirdly. "Seriously, though, Vlad Hellsing."

"Harry Potter," Harry said.

"Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course -- I got a few extra books, for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century."

"We've been lying to you," I snapped. "In reality, we all got extremely drunk and scarred him for life like that on a bet."

/Everyone/ gave me a weird look for that comment.

The girl proceeded to talk about the four Houses -- Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Hufflepuff -- before leaving to see whether Neville still had his toad. I mentioned Alucard's explanation of the Houses -- Harry seemed quite impressed by the description of the No Life King, and the fact that Draco had a signed photo that Ron was jealous of.

"Good set of lungs on her," I said.

"No need to be nasty," Ron said. He was hoping that everyone would forget that spell that was supposed to turn his rat yellow.

"True, though," Draco agreed.

"Where was I before? Oh yeah. Group. Who of you are in?," I demanded.

"Sure!," Ron said.

"I might as well," Draco agreed.

"Okay," said Harry.

"I've got a good name for it," I decided. "Legion of Doom."

"I dunno," Ron said. "Sounds kinda evil."

"You'd prefer Legion of Flower Pickers, Weasley?," Draco asked.

"What about Legion of Destruction?," Harry offered.

"We'll use L O D for now, and decide on the words later. Now, codenames."

"You've certainly got it all figured out," Ron said.

"I'm Lord Vetinari," I decided. "A reference to a series of fictional books I doubt you've read."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Very well then, I am D'Eathe."

"Very clever," Ron said approvingly. "Harry?"

"Uh, I don't know," he said slowly.

I looked at him carefully. "Shadow? Night? Noir? You wouldn't get noticed much if it wasn't for that scar."

"I like Noir," Harry said.

"And I," Ron said, rubbing his hands together, "shall be... Duke Wellington!"

All of us, bar Ron, blinked.

"Duke Wellington?," I asked incredulously.

"You got a problem with that?," Ron asked challengingly.

"No, no," I said quickly. "You can't tell anyone about the group, or who has what names, because then they'll know."

"Well, that's settled," Draco said, leaning back against his seat. "What next?"

"Music," I decided, pulling out a boombox from my capacious bag and a Godsmack album.

I pushed play, and 'Sick Of Life' began playing. None of them had heard it, but they looked as if they liked it.

"Is this... muggle music?," Draco asked, his face torn between loathing and loving.

"Yeah," I replied over the music. "I'm going to do a prank with this at some stage!"

A prefect opened the door, glaring at us all. "Turn that muggle contraption off! We're almost there, so get your robes on! And leave the trunks here!"

"Bloody uptight asshole," I muttered as we all got changed. Ssar hissed at me when I got up.

Somehow, I managed to stuff my jeans and tshirt into my bag as well as the boombox. Ron, Harry and Draco settled for stuffing them in their trunks. It was obviously evening, as the sky darkened. We left our trunks in the compartment as ordered -- I left my bag on top of it, tucking my wand and knife into a pocket in the robes. Ssar decided to go under my robes around my arm and shoulder, looking from my collar again.

Ron's robe was slightly too short for him, and you could see his sneakers. Mercifully, Draco decided to /not/ pass comment on it. I kept telling myself that I was wearing a done-up trenchcoat, and not a dress.

The train had stopped at a small platform, and it was too dark to see much of the surroundings. A lamp bounced it's way above the heads of the students, accompanied by a cry of "Firs' years! Firs' years over here! All right there, Harry?"

The four of us looked to see Hagrid grinning at us. Draco opened his mouth to make another cutting comment before I silenced him.

"Remind me to talk to you later about how it's better to make friends than enemies," I hissed.

"C'mon," Hagrid bellowed. "Any more firs' years? Mind yer step now! Firs' years follow me!"

And so I and the crowd of other eleven year olds followed after the massive man. The path was narrow, and many kids slipped and stumbled. The toad boy, Neville, sniffed once or twice.

"Shit, how did they get the construction materials to build the bloody place there?," I complained.

"This is for the firs' years, Vlad!," Hagrid explained at volume. "The other years take the short way!"

"Lucky us," Draco said sarcastically.. I had to agree with his tone.

"*Stupid humanss,*" Ssar grumbled. The walk was getting on his nerves.

"Ye all get yer firs' sight o' Hogwarts in a sec," Hagrid called out, "jus' around this bend here!"

Everyone ooh'ed and ahh'ed as we saw the school. It was as if there had been a small mountain there that had had the peak truncated, and the top carved into buildings. A black lake lay in front of it, reflecting the many turrets and towers.

"No more'n four to a boat!," Hagrid commanded in a drill sergeant way, pointing to a fleet of small boats. Draco, Ron, Harry and I quickly commandeered our own boat.

"Everyone in?," the giant asked. He had a boat to himself. "Righ' then - FORWARD!"

The flotilla of little dinghies moved forwards in synchrony across the dark, moonlit lake. Everyone was silent, until Draco started pushing Ron.

"Stop it, you moron!," I hissed. "If you piss about in a boat, you'll have the lot of us overboard, then you can damn well explain why we're turning up looking like drowned rats!"

"Heads down!," Hagrid shouted as the first boats moved under the cliff, where the lake continued into a cave.

The cave continued until the boats reached an underground harbour, right underneath the school itself. All the new students, including me, climbed out of the boats onto the rocks and pebbles.

"Oy, you there!," Hagrid said to one boy. "Is this your toad?"

"Trevor!," Neville yelled, taking the amphibian from Hagrid.

Hagrid led us up a passageway to a large grassy area outside the outsized castle, to where the front door was.

"Everyone here? You, there, still got yer toad?"

The giant banged on the door a few times. Obediantly, they opened to reveal a witch in emerald green robes with square rimmed glasses, looking very... disciplined.

"Who's been feeding her lemons?," Ron whispered, before Hermione made him be quiet.

"The firs' years, Professor McGonagall," Hagrid said.

We were lead into a small chamber to the side of the entrance hall, which itself was large enough for a suburban house to fit in. Hundreds of voices could be heard through a door leading from the chamber elsewhere.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," she said, then continued to explain the basics about the Houses, and the House Points. I didn't really pay that much attention -- Alucard had already told me about that.

"I shall return when we are ready for you," she finished. "Please wait quietly."

Ron, Harry and some of the other boys tried to smarten themselves up a bit.

"How exactly do they sort us into houses?," Harry asked Ron, looking quite nervous.

"Some sort of test, I think," Ron replied. "Fred said it hurt a lot, but I think he was joking."

"Alucard said something about a talking hat," I offered. "He refused to tell me any more."

"You don't think it'll try to eat us?," Ron whispered.

I rolled my eyes.

About twenty ghosts phased through the walls from the hall with the voices, all talking. They were pearly white and transparent. One of them spotted us, then began talking before McGonagall opened the door. The noise from the Hall became a lot louder.

"Now, form a line," she commanded, "and follow me."

We obediantly trailed behind her, like a group of ducklings following a mother duck.

Oh. My. God.

The hall was /huge/!

Four long, long tables stretched the length of the hall, with candles suspended in mid air lighting them. At one end, another table had the teachers sitting at it. Harry, mainly to avoid looking at people, looked up. He grabbed Ron and I, getting us to look up.

"It's bewitched to look like the sky outside," Hermione whispered. "I read about it in Hogwarts: A History."

"Congratulations," Draco snapped.

"That's one of the first things we change," I said to the other three boys. We abruptly went silent as the Professor stopped in front of a stool with a hat on top.

The hat twitched, then a large slash opened up, much like a mouth. Then came the song. The horrible, horrible song. Perhaps it's just my cynical nature, but I didn't think much of the actual melody or rhyming. All it did was sum up the Houses, and say that it was going to Sort which house we went in.

Yes, I was nervous. I'm always nervous as hell in front of large groups of strange people.

"So we've just got to try on the hat!," Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll!"

Harry smiled nervously, incapable of speech. Professor McGonagall stepped forth, bearing a long roll of parchment.

"When I call out your name, you will put on the hat and sit on the stool to be sorted," she announced. "Abbot, Hannah!"

Some blonde girl stumbled forwards, put on the hat, and sat on the stool. A moment later, the hat yelled "HUFFLEPUFF!"

I settled down for a wait, dozing off until she got to the G's, at least.

"Granger, Hermione!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

Ron Weasley groaned.

"Heckel, William!"

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Hellsing, Vladimir!"

Recognising my new name, I walked to the stool.

"Can I have a moment," I whispered to the professor in a 'lost little boy' tone that I had practiced. She nodded.

"If you don't put me in Slytherin I'm gonna use you as firestarting material!," I hissed at the hat. I then sat on the stool and jammed it on my head.

~Effective threat,~ the hat said to me, ~but I would have put you anyway in--~

"SLYTHERIN!," it yelled out loud.

Feeling tremendously relieved, I walked over to the Slytherin table, sitting down on one of the free seats. Ron gave me a nasty look.

"*You owe me for that cold ride here,*" Ssar hissed to me.

A few names later, Draco too was chosen for Slytherin. He sat next to me. After a 'Sally-Anne Perks' girl, it was Harry's turn. He sat on the stool, put on the hat, and a moment later the hat shouted "SLYTHERIN!" Harry decided to sit on my other side.

Ron gave me a really nasty look after that. He ended up in Gryffindor.

Once the Sorting was done, Professor McGonagall rolled up the long parchment scroll and took away the Hat. At the head table, Albus Dumbledore got up. If I recalled correctly, he was the Headmaster. He looked extremely old.

"Welcome!," he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I'd like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

Everyone clapped to this, apart from some of my new house. Then the food appeared. I grabbed some potatoes, roast beef and peas, then asked Harry to keep an eye on my plate.

I walked down to where the Slytherin prefects were sitting, and started talking to one.

"Hi, I assume you're the prefect that's going to make an important announcement to us first years later?," I asked.

"Yeah, I'm Flint," the older boy said. "Why?"

"I'd like to say something at a complete House gathering," I said quietly. "I'll pay, if necessary."

"Five Galleons," Flint said quietly to me. I dug around in my robes then produced the money and gave it to him.

"If you cheat me, you'll regret it," I said.

I'm not quite sure why he believed me so much. Perhaps he saw Ssar looking at him. Moving back to my seat, I began eating my tea.

"Where were you?," Harry asked.

"Just sorting the first prank out," I whispered to him and Draco. "I'll explain later."