Summary: The author is inserted into the HP universe, via the Hellsing Institute.

Crossover: Hellsing

Category: Self Insertion

Disclaimer: I own all! All, I say! Hahaha-*bzzzzzzzzt* ... pretty lawyers... ownering lawyers... ooo, lookit da sparks...

Feedback: I'm an attention wh0re!

Pre-fic Comments:

This will probably be shorter than the previous two parts. Sorry.

lovelydarkness: I really like Hellsing, and it seemed natural to mix it with Harry Potter. I doubt the Ministry could keep vampires down if it tried. Thanks :)

Alex DarkFire: Thanks! I'll try :)

* * *

The food was rather good, to tell the truth. Harry ripped into it like it was going to disappear, and Draco ate like someone at a dinner party. With Draco's blonde hair, and Harry's ebon black hair, they were like day and night.

"*Do you want anything?,*" I asked Ssar.

"*I'll catch my own,*" the snake said. "*I like it when my food is still moving.*"

Harry looked up from my left at the snake. "*That's gross!*"

Everyone's heads whipped around to look at Harry. They'd heard that I could speak with snakes, but they hadn't heard that the Boy Who Lived could.

"Er, why are you all staring at me?," Harry asked nervously.

"I'd say it's because you can speak to Ssar here," I said.

"Parseltongue, it's called," Draco added. "It's a fairly rare gift, thought only to be possessed by Salazar Slytherin's descendants."

"You can add Alucard's descendants and family to that list," I said.

A ghost drifted down to talk to us. It was gaunt, and had a silvery bloodstain on his robes.

"I understand that your father is Lucius Malfoy?," he asked Draco in a croaky voice.

"Ah, yes," Draco said. "Are you the Bloody Baron, sir?"

"Indeed," the ghost affirmed. "I knew your father while he was attending this establishment."

"Excuse me, Baron, but might I make your acquaintance?," I asked, mentally slipping into 'long words mode.' "My name is Vlad Hellsing, blood brother of Alucard."

The Baron turned to look at me. "Ah, a Hellsing. A fine family, one of the best. I'm afraid that I didn't speak to your mother while she was here, but I'm a long term friend of Alucard. Is he still as bloodthirsty as ever?"

"Indeed," I said. "He serves well as a vampire hunter. And this, sir Baron, is Harry Potter, who defeated Lord Voldemort at a very early age."

Around us, the students in earshot cringed when I said You Know Who's name. Except for a handful of Slytherin students.

"Uh, hello," Harry said hesitantly.

"A pleasure to meet you, boy," the Baron said. "I must meet with the other House Slytherin students -- I talk with you at length anon."

About then, we had all finished our food and the food disappeared from the plates, leaving them sparklingly clean. A moment later, dessert appeared on them.

"So, Draco, tell us about yourself," I said.

"I'd rather talk about what this prank is that you mentioned," the blonde boy said.

I grabbed him by the ear, shook him, then let go. "Draco, if I tell you here, then everyone who can hear us as well will hear it, won't they? Use your head."

"Vlad, what are we going to do about Ron?," Harry asked. "He doesn't look very happy with us."

The red haired boy was indeed still shooting us dirty looks.

"I'm gonna grab him by the ear later and make him listen," I grumbled.

"What was your first accidental magic?," Draco asked. "Mine was burning up a sheet of music when I didn't care to practice my piano lessons one day."

"The first I can remember?," Harry asked. "I was at the zoo, and a boa constrictor wanted to go home. So I made the glass disappear."

Everyone around us laughed at that.

"The muggles must have loved that!," one boy said. I think his name was Blaise Zabini, or Zabuto, something like that.

"Uncle Vernon was hopping mad," Harry grinned.

"What was yours, Vlad?," Draco asked me.

I decided to play with their heads. "Lo, the skies opened, and a ray of purest light descended from the heavens, and behold, I rose into the lofty airs of majesty, and a choir of angels bowed the knee to me."

I got a lot of very weird looks again.

The unseen servers decided at that point that dessert was finished, as the food began disappearing again off the plates. At the head table, the man with long white hair and a gaudy robe got to his feet.

"Who's that?," I whispered.

"Dumbledore," Draco hissed. "He's the Headmaster!"

"Ahem," the old man began, "just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you. First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to all pupils. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."

Dumbledore's twinkling eyes flashed in the direction of the redhead twins I had met at the platform.

"I have also been asked by Mr. Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between classes in the corridors. Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term. Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam Hooch. And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a very painful death."

Harry laughed at this. I considered almost everyone here to be mad, and didn't.

"He's not serious?," he asked an older student near us.

"Probably," the student muttered. "He normally has a reason -- dangerous creatures in the forest, that sort of thing."

And then? Another truly stupid, insipid song. Except that this one had the students singing along as well.

I, along with almost all the other Slytherins, declined to sing.

"Ah, music," the Headmaster said, wiping his eyes dry. "A magic beyond all we do here! And now, bedtime. Off you trot!"

The Prefect I had spoken to earlier, Flint, then collected all us first year students and had us follow him. We followed him through all the people who were moving around, out of the Great Hall, and down a staircase to the side of the marble staircase. He led us through some secret passages behind some statues, then we walked. And walked. And walked. Most of the students were too tired to notice, but the portraits on the walls pointed at us, talking to themselves. Kinda like flatscreen television.

Thank God we didn't have to drag our trunks with us, that's all else I'm saying about the amount of time we spent walking.

Eventually, he stopped at a painting of an aristocratic man, thin, dressed in silver and green.

"Password?," the man asked.

"Absolution," Flint said. The painting swung to one side, revealing a large hole in the wall.

Inside was the rectangular common room. A large fireplace was lit at the other end, and sconces on the walls were lit as well. There was a colour scheme of silver, black and green. Armchairs and sofas dotted the room. The prefect stood just in front of the fire, assuming an oratorial position. Draco and I nabbed a sofa for ourselves, Harry sitting in the middle.

"Welcome to House Slytherin," Flint said. "Look around you -- these are the only people likely to ally with you. I strongly suggest you drop any ideas now of making enemies of your House mates, as you will have enemies aplenty in the other Houses. Slytherin is, after all, the House that You Know Who was in. And now for a word from one of your fellow firsts."

The second to last sentence was delivered in a dry tone.

I got up, and cleared my throat. "Doubtless you heard about House Points. You must be wondering what kind of reward we get for having the most House Points."

"A statue," Draco said loudly from the sofa.

"Indeed," I said. "A statue, and some banners. Thrilling. I propose that we create a record unequalled in a thousand years of Hogwarts history -- the first year to have the most negative House Points!"

"But we need to get good House Points!," one girl moaned. I think her name was Pansy, or Daisy, something floral.

"They don't go on your Academic Record," Flint said.

"But... but..."

"And on that concise, information filled comment, I return the stage to our Prefect," I said, bowing slightly.

"That was sooo cool!," Harry whispered to me.

"The first year male dormitories are through that door," Flint said, indicating the portal stated. "The female dormitories are that way. Penalties will be applied should we find you in the inappropriate dormitories for any reason. Your belongings have been placed in front of your beds by the house elves. Breakfast is at seven in the morning, and the first lessons start at nine."

Flint directed the girls through a door, then directed us male first years through another. At the bottom of another staircase was a room, each with five four-poster beds. My trunk and bag was in the room, in front of a bed.

"Ah, sweet sweet sleep," I said as I flopped onto the bed, not bothering with getting undressed or getting into it.

Harry had a bed in the room, Draco another, the boy Blaise had one, and the last one belonged to Draco's friend Crabbe. They all pulled on their pajamas and got into bed.

"Great food," Crabbe muttered.

Harry opened his mouth to reply, but fell asleep. The rest of us quickly followed suit.

* * *

In the morning, most of the first years stumbled down to the Hall for breakfast in their pajamas. I pulled on my dre--no, coat, robe, anything but dress. Breakfast was spectacularly British, with toast and porridge. Whoopee. With effort, I managed to restrain my enthusiasm over the provided meal.

A notice posted on the door to the Hall had our class timetable on it. Harry managed to find our first classroom fairly quickly, utilizing his celebrity status to ask some older students for directions. (One tipped us off not to trust a ghost called 'Peeves' for accurate directions.)

We had Transfigurations first, taken with the Gryffindor first years. I grabbed a seat at a bench with Draco and Harry.

"We've got a free period after this class," I hissed. "We'll talk then, okay?"

"Where's the teacher?," Harry asked.

"Isn't McGonagall supposed to be teaching this class?," Draco added.

A cat lying at the front of the room got up, then transformed into the greying lady teacher that had met us at the doors to Hogwarts.

"After learning enough, you will be able to accomplish animagi transformations if you so choose, and all of you will be able to do this," she said, turning her desk into a large pig then back into her desk.

I looked at my left hand, imagining it covered in some metal armour that could not be removed and could be improved merely by thinking of it. I began to laugh softly.

"Mr... Hellsing," she said coldly after checking the class list. "Kindly share what you consider so funny with the rest of the class."

"Nothing, Miz," I said.

"Keep it to yourself then," McGonagall snapped. "Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will learn at Hogwarts. Anyone messing around in my class will leave and not come back. You have been warned."

And then it came. The notes. My God, that woman could write. By the end of the lesson, we had two or three dense pages of the things.

Afterwards, I grabbed Ron and Hermione, the two from the train, and started dragging them with us into an empty classroom.

"Hey!," Ron protested. "Who do you think you are?"

"Yeah," Hermione said.

"Why do you hate me now?," Harry asked, clearly hurt by the rejection of someone willing at first to be a friend.

"Because you're a /Slytherin!/," Ron said.

I sighed. "Ron, if he had black skin and was in Gryffindor, would you reject him?"

"What?," the redhead blinked.

"Weasley, regardless of what your family believes, the Sorting Hat does not replace one's mind with a carbon copy of the Founder corresponding to their new House," Draco drawled.

"I know that!," Ron protested. "But... you're now Slytherins."

"Well," the girl, Hermione, said. "How about you continue to be friends with them, and if they're mean, then you dump them?"

"That's a good idea," Harry said. "Vlad, can she be in the Legion?"

"Legion?," Hermione asked.

"Our little group," I said. "Are you in?"

"Sure. You're already more than halfway to being my friends, anyway."

"Then may I introduce us," I said. "I am, of course, Lord Vetinari."

"I am D'Eathe," Draco said, with a florid bow.

"Duke Wellington," Ron said, with an overdone grin.

"I'm called Noir," Harry said.

"And yourself, Granger?," Draco snapped.

The brownhaired girl considered it. "Lady Eris."

"How nice, a classical reference," I murmured. "Welcome to the Legion of Doom. What's your next class?"

"Uh... Herbology."

"We'll see you at lunchtime, then, Duke Wellington, Lady Eris," Harry said with a grin.

As for us, we had Charms. The teacher was a tiny little man called Professor Flitwick. Flitwick had to stand on a pile of books to see over his desk, and fell off the pile when he reached Harry's name when taking roll.

"Normally," Flitwick said after rollcall, "I'd start the year off with teaching you all levitation. This year, however you're going to learn the art of illusion -- easy, straightforward, and harmless should you make a mistake!"

He wrote a word on the board -- 'Illusio Butterflies.' "Now, take your wands, holding it like so for good grip and flexibility -- have you got it? No, Goyle, like /this/. Yes. Now, practice a swish and a flick like so. Swish and flick!"

The small man wandered around the room as we practiced the movement he showed us. Once he was satisfied that our technique was satisfactory, he moved back to the front of the room.

"Very good. Now, while doing the swish, pronounce the words 'Illusio Butterflies.' Be very careful to say ill luse e oh, or no one else will see the illusion! Team up with the person next to you."

I ended up being with Draco, and Harry with Blaise. Draco effortlessly flicked his wand, creating a monarch butterfly as he said the necessary words. After a few false starts, so did I.

"This is boring," I complained.

"Indubitably," Draco agreed.

I swished my wand again. "Illusio Panthera!"

A small, pitch black panther appeared on my desk, wandering about as my mind directed. "This is cool."

Zabini looked over from where he and Harry were making butterflies. "How'd you do that?"

I waved a finger at them. "Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"What?," Harry asked blankly.

"That's a secret!"

"What is?," Draco asked, getting annoyed.

"That's what the phrase 'sore wa himitsu desu' means, Draco," Blaise Zabini explained. "It means 'That's a secret.'"

"You're not supposed to tell them that!," I complained, annoyed.

"How are you boys getting along?," Flitwick asked. He stood on a chair to look, and saw my little panther scratching behind it's ear with one of it's back feet. "Oh, very good! Which one of you did this?"

"Hellsing did," Draco said.

"Very good... how about yourself?"

The rest of the lesson consisted of learning how to scale up the illusions. By the end of the lesson, the rest of the class had taken my lead and there was a small pride of lifesized panthers wandering around the classroom.

* * *

At lunch, I grabbed the two Gryffindor members of the Legion and we all sat at the end of the Slytherin table away from the teachers.

"We've had a lesson on illusions just now," I said quietly, "and I've got a brilliant idea."

"Create panic through liberal application of unreality?," asked Draco.

"It has to be big," Ron said. "Big is good."

"Even better is convincing," Hermione said.

"All of you will be needed," I said, quickly sketching something on some paper. "I'll do the monster, Draco do the circle, Harry and Ron the damage, and Hermione will hide us."

"Uh, I don't know how to hide people," Hermione said. "That's third year. I've only read up to second year, so far."

"An illusion of a tall, hunched over person in really baggy robes," Harry said. "Like in that muggle movie 'The Frighteners.'"

"What?," Draco asked.

Hermione created a six inch tall illusion of the character in question. At 1:1 scale, it would be ten feet tall if standing up straight, but appears about six feet tall, due to hunching over and crouching. A voluminous mildewed black robe covers it, shadow hiding it's face. As Hermione made it move, a hand made of bones slid out of one of the sleeves.

"In the movie, it was a murderer come back from the grave," the girl explained. "We should be able to hide behind the illusion if we stick together."

"Looks like a Dementor," Ron said, moving his finger through the illusion.

"Amazing, Duke Wellington," Draco drawled. "You can recognise shapes. This is, of course, a model. Imagine that, scaled up to seven foot tall, moving through the Great Hall like grim death. Lord Vetinari, what is this circle you want me to create?"

I sketched a pentagram on the piece of paper. "I want something at ground level in glowing red lines that looks occult, but is really nothing. Think you can do it?"

Draco managed to look offended.

"Noir, Wellington, think you can illusion the damage for me that our 'summoned' monster will create?," I asked, bracketing 'summoned' with my fingers.

"Sure," Harry said, Ron nodding.

"This is gonna be good," Ron said, rubbing his hands together.

"What's this monster going to look like?," Hermione asked.

"Glad you asked, Lady Eris," I said. I quickly created another illusion. "This."

The monster was the Cyberdemon, from the Doom 2 computer game. It was a minotaur with cybernetic enhancements. The right forearm and hand was replaced with an energy cannon of some sort.

"Can we do this now?," Ron pleaded.

Behind us, a prefect came to us. "What're these Gryffindorks doing here?"

"Sorry, Flint," Draco apologised. "We just about had them convinced, too."

"Weasley, Granger, I'm sure we can deliver those items you want by next week," I adlibbed.

Ron looked surprised, then winced as Hermione kicked him under the table.

"That's great," she said. "Tell Vetinari and D'Eathe that we'd like to see them after dinner to practice those charms?"

"Sure thing," I said flippantly. "For the low, low price of ten sickles a message."

Harry looked over at the Gryffindor table. "Ron, I think your brothers want to speak to you."

* * *

Post-fic comments:

I got an evil idea after writing this:

OMAKE OMAKE OMAKE

I ended up being with Draco, and Harry with Blaise. Draco effortlessly flicked his wand, creating a monarch butterfly as he said the necessary words. After a few false starts, so did I.

"This is boring," I complained.

"Indubitably," Draco agreed.

I swished my wand again. "Illusio Pantera!"

A music video of a Muggle hard rock band began playing in mid-air, music appearing from nowhere.

I grinned madly, as the old Professor went into shock.