Valukar, his crucible of flame, and stuff.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In the dark shadows of Yampi cave, Valukar lurked. He had existed for a thousand generations, each and every day an embodiment of torture, of hatred. He had complete control over his realm, and all who opposed him would be thwacked mightily by his mighty hammer of really-really big headaches.

He still had no idea why the producers had given him a hammer. After all, hammers were generally not too fear inspiring. He would have much preferred to have a sword or a scythe or maybe even a staff. A hammer just looked plain stupid.

And then there was the question of his specialty attack. They gave Dullahan the ability to turn half of an attacking army into crap in the space of two moves, Sentinel a super-useful invulnerability to psynergy. Heck, the Star Magician had the ability to guard himself, heal himself, attack, and self-destruct all in the same turn. And Valukar? He was left with an ability that was useful only against people who had djinni, out of the entire world's populace. (All eight of them. Woohoo.) And his "Stun Jip" sounded like some hippie who had overdosed on acid.

Just then, he heard a strange sound. The average human might have said it sounded like a bumblebee, but Valukar, having been stuck in the cavern for who knew how long, would have described it as a fish trying to suck out an eyeball from a dead scorpion. Please don't ask how he came by that description.

However, the source of the sound became clear. A trio of humans suddenly materialized in front of Valukar, looking a bit dizzy. After glancing around for a few minutes, the eldest of that group noticed Valukar.

"Huh? This doesn't seem right… oh wait, that pill was a yellow one. Here's the red one, Neo." A younger man took the pill swallowed it, and the trio once again vanished. Valukar blinked. Then he settled back to take a nap. He had enough to do without worrying about teleporting weirdoes and pills and all that junk.

Days passed into weeks, month into years, years into centuries, and still no one came in. Then Valukar stretched, scratched at his unmentionables, and muttered "Ah, that was a good nap." Grabbing his hammer, he once again stood guard at the door.

Valukar was unsure of his introductory monologue. It had been straightforward enough, but he had no idea what a crucible was. The producers had not seen fit to provide Valukar with a dictionary for looking up words he did not understand, and thus, he was left pretty much in the dark. Literally, too. The cave was all but blocked off from sunlight. Yay for him. Then Valukar remembered that Dullahan had an entire household of furniture and whatnot in his lair. Maybe he could borrow a dictionary from him! This happy thought in mind, Valukar packed up, and left Yampi desert for a vacation. Before leaving, however, he hung up a sign on the entrance that said "Away on a vacation. If you want the summon, contact Sentinel. I gave it to him for safekeeping." Then he left.

Almost immediately after he had left, a trio of people came to the desert. After glancing around, the largest said in a voice heavily accented voice "De Tee-Eks will not stop searching for us. We have to move on." Then he strode off, while residents of the desert fought off an urge to bite his ankle.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Valukar sighed as he entered the entrance if Anemos Inner Sanctum. The stupid door required all 72 djinni to be activated, something which Valukar was not going to waste a year of his life looking for for. To heck with it, he decided, and smashed the door down in single blow of his hammer. Some things had to be said for various oversized household tools after all.

Journeying through the sanctum, any obstacle that required a psynergy he did not possess generally resulted in that obstacle getting smashed into itty-bitty pieces. Finally reaching the big spider thingy in the middle, he pushed it into place, and climbed on it expectantly. Nothing happened. Oh, right. He needed hover. Something which he did not possess at this particular moment. However, this particular problem didn't lend itself into getting smashed as a solution. Only one way for it, then…

A few seconds later, a very bored Dullahan glanced up as he saw what seemed to be a humongous pink demon flapping it's wings in an effort to reach him. This, apparently, was taxing the demon enough that when it was finally was over solid ground, it collapsed in a rather ungainly heap.

Valukar pulled himself up to his feet, and wheezed as he stared at the harbinger of death in front of him. Despite having no head, the monstrosity in front of him managed to convey a sense of amusement. Dullahan was the first to break the silence.

"Can I help you with something, Valukar?"

"Yes, you can. First, off, could you put the stupid newspaper aside so I can look at your face?!"

The reply came back, cool and unruffled as ever. "First, it's not a newspaper, it's a magazine. Two, I don't HAVE a face for you to look at."

"Whatever. Why would you need "Home Improvement for Headless Homicidal maniacs anyway?"

"You'd be surprised. Anyway, what did you come here for? You're supposed to be guarding the summon tablet for Daedelus, if I recall."

"I came to borrow a dictionary."

"What? You came all the way to Contigo to borrow a dictionary?!"

"Hey, it's not like I could just waltz into any human settlement and buy one from the bookstore without causing a commotion, right?"

"Well, and waltzing into the middle of human settlement, standing on a strange rune, and suddenly disappearing in the middle of the afternoon sure beats that, huh?"

"… Shut up. I just want the dictionary."

"I lent it to Star Magician. He wanted to know why everyone starts sniggering when he talks about his balls."

Valukar groaned. The tablet guardians agreed that Star Magician was a brilliant inventor, a powerful mage, and a warrior with a unique style of fighting. They all also agreed that the Star Magician was totally and utterly crackers. Anyone who entered the same room would come out mentally scarred for life. If he ever came out at all. Sighing, he bade Dullahan farewell and left the room. He had a certain island to attend to…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Valukar collapsed at the entrance of the Yampi cave. After one encounter with the Star Magician, he never wanted to leave the solitude of his cavern again. Ever. Not even if they tied him to horses, and used Grand Golems to push him out. Here, in his castle, he was safe. Here, in the cavern, he was his own master. Here-

A pair of tiny child-like creatures, ran past screaming at the top of their lungs. A second later, a gigantic spider, hissing angrily, ran after them. Closely followed by a regiment of orcs, all shouting various war cries. Valukar barely even noticed, and managed to make it back to his personal cavern.

After settling himself down, he glanced over at the telephone. Apparently Sentinel had called him. Replaying the message, he heard the voice of the armor-clad warrior complaining about why so many people had been coming asking for the daedelus summon, and wasn't it his job to guard that particular summon. Valukar decided to reply later. Flicking on his lamp, he opened the dictionary and looked through it until he found what he was looking for.

There was dead silence.

"A BOWL?! A crucible is a freakin' BOWL?!?"

Outside the cavern, eight travelers halted at the sound of a bellowing demon.

"What was that?"

"Only one way to find out."

Finishing his sentence, the leader of the group raised a lapis lazuli over his head, and vanished into Yampi caves.