Playing by the Rules
Disclaimer: If you've come this far, you know I don't own Yu yu Hakusho or any of its characters…
Author's Note: Hey Hey all! It's been a while hasn't it ^^ If this is chapter four already, or finally ^^; Just know that I much appreciate the comments, and the occasional constructive criticisms… Now on with the FIC!!
It takes a serious kind of suckage to describe how I feel right now. I end up right where I started from again. Fucking square one again. This isn't anything new, it shouldn't surprise me. But it does. I knew this would happen, it happened, and I'm still surprised that it did.
And on top of it all, here I am. Retreating, hiding, walling myself in the protection of a human. A human I hate, I might add. I hate his stupidity, I hate his weakness, hate his fucking guts. Every time he goes off on one of those self-righteous rants, I want to vomit. How can he stomach it? Honor, dishonor, loyalty, trust, love… Romantic ideals, nothing more.
That's why I'm here. Fallen on a quest for love, true love. I wonder if it would surprise them, and maybe that's why I fail. Every time, I fail. This is the worst fall I've taken in a long time though. I never felt so sure of something before, and it's just been so neatly cut away. I hate you Kurama, and all the little games you play.
I had the offer of a lifetime, or so I thought. Two months ago, Kurama offered me a place to stay, permanently. I had known a long time about the implications of our relationship. Particularly the implications of that offer. He wasn't offering as a friend, a boyfriend, or even a lover. He was offering as a companion, I had finally found someone to be with. Or so I thought.
Yes, I hesitated. Of course I hesitated, I knew this would happen. The point is, I decided to take him up on that offer. And when I did well… I'll put it this way, apparently the whole soul mate thing, is over rated. It's a limited time offer, and I had missed it. Not only had I missed it apparently, someone else had also taken it in my place. Yuusuke, Urameshi.
What's to say now? The usual betrayal of trust and all that right? Pack it up, this game's over. You lose again Hiei. Go through the whys, the wherefores and all that other self-indulgent bullshit that I usually skip over. I shouldn't give a flying damn one way or the other right? Nothing affects me right? Feh. Try living alone sometime. And I don't mean alone, have a boyfriend now and then, but no one serious. I mean really alone. I mean with nobody to trust, to lean on. I bet you couldn't last two years, well how about two centuries? How about being completely unwanted for three or four human lifetimes. You'd want some one too!
I was angry… No, I was royally pissed. It was all I could do not to cut them both to pieces. Mortified Kurama, and confused Yuusuke, were close, so very close to being diced remnants of their former selves. What stopped me? Well it wasn't friendship, or even the consequences I'd face for killing them. Because Kurama reached around and protected Yuusuke, because of the way Kurama held Yuusuke, because Kurama loved Yuusuke, and not me. The fire that had been burning with rage in my chest went out cold. I was left knowing that killing them would do nothing to assuage my loneliness.
It's depressing when you know nothing you do can possibly change your situation. It's hard seeing others enjoy something you know you'll never have. I left them then, not waiting to see if my emotions would betray me. I don't think my face changed an iota during whole ordeal. Go me.
Now I'm back to where I started from again. Fucking square one again…
Zizzt~zt blip* #@$%!!!
::End strange First Person, Stream of Conscientiousness Writing. Return to third person recount format::
*Taiho trudges off stage wishing she were a better writer…*
Kuwabara sat across from his former rival in a state of pure bemusement. He'd been practically shaking when Yuusuke had asked him to come to the park down the street. Yet, they had been there almost an hour, and nothing was said about Hiei. Kuwabara was actually enjoying himself, since it had been a long time since he and Yuusuke had talked like this.
He also noted belatedly, that it had been a long time since he and Yuusuke had been this close… physically. How the hell Yuusuke had encroached on his personal space Kuwabara didn't know. That Yuusuke was practically sprawled across his lap now however, did present a peculiar problem.
"Yuusuke?" The redhead queried. The darker haired boy smiled alluringly in response, twisting his hand in Kuwabara's shirt. It was frightening how he was acting, but pretty fun too. "Does Kurama know you're here?"
"No," Yuusuke replied lazily, splaying his fingers over Kuwabara's bare abdomen beneath his shirt. "He's out hunting around for Hiei." That's right Kazuma, Kuwabara chided himself, true love waits at your house. That was not enough to convince his body that this wasn't good though. Kuwabara looked around frantically for some one to catch them and shame him out of reacting to Yuusuke's touch. There was no such luck, as they were well concealed from anyone else beneath this tree.
Kuwabara managed to intercept the hand before it traveled south, but he was already panting. "I doubt Kurama would care for this," Kazuma practically pleaded. He didn't know what Yuusuke's motives were, but he was pretty sure the outcome would not be good. He was in deep enough if Kurama found him harboring Hiei, let alone sleeping with his boyfriend.
Yuusuke chuckled in response; the husky sound sent a shiver down Kuwabara's spine. "No, I'm sure he wouldn't," Yuusuke purred. There was an aggravated, almost bitter tone to the 'he' in the sentence.
"Look Yuusuke," Kuwabara ordered, trying to keep his voice even. "I don't know what game you an Kurama are playing," he managed to push the darker youth away, "but don't want to be involved."
Yuusuke grabbed the taller boy's wrist, refusing to give up so easily. "Just do me a favor," Yuusuke pleaded sounding annoyed. "Kurama's not making me look like an idiot, and getting away with it."
"What now?" Kuwabara managed to twist out of Yuusuke's grasp, only to be tackled a moment later. He wrestled with Yuusuke for a while, caught of guard by the shorter boy's aggression. He had a very, very bad feeling about all of this.
"Kazuma," Yuusuke purred, having pinned the redhead firmly to the ground. "It's nothing personal," he soothed, Kuwabara growled menacingly in response. Yuusuke tilted his head to the side, "Why not?"
"I'm not going to be used," Kuwabara snarled, "for any reason." He rolled free of Yuusuke's grip, and stood brushing the grass from himself. "Though I don't see how Kurama would be threatened by me."
Yuusuke laughed bitterly, "You really have no idea?" Kuwabara paused, staring at his best friend, who grinned arrogantly from the ground. "Kurama is extremely jealous of you."
It was Kuwabara's turn to laugh bitterly. "I think you must be smokin' something besides cigarettes," he sneered, "if you think Kurama would be jealous of me."
Yuusuke continued to grin, "Maybe physically, or intellectually…" Yuusuke's smile became a little cruel, "but he envies our relationship." Kuwabara made a face, as Yuusuke continued, "he figures we fuck every time I'm at your house."
Kuwabara looked unconvinced, "Why would he think that, when you've got him?"
At this point Yuusuke was laughing hard. "That's what drives him mad," Yuusuke said catching his breath. "I've told him that a million times- no offence Kuwa,"
"None taken," Kuwabara assured him… It wasn't true, but not everything he said had to be absolutely true.
"And the thinks because we are so close," Yuusuke finished, "that it translates over to sex." Kuwabara digested this quietly for a moment. It was an interesting piece of news, but it didn't explain why Yuusuke was suddenly so willing to prove Kurama right.
"I would think," Kuwabara drawled with a hint of indignation, "that 'since we're so close' you wouldn't pull something like this on me." Yuusuke had the decency to at least look ashamed, though Kuwabara wasn't sure if he meant it or not. The statement would at least discourage future attempts of seduction at any rate. "I can assume," Kuwabara started a little tiredly, "you're getting back at Kurama for… something." Kuwabara left the sentence open ended.
"I think Kurama has been cheating on me," Yuusuke said quietly, "with Hiei." Kuwabara gaped a little. So all this crap comes full circle, he mused, and I'm up to my knees in it.
"You're not sure?" Kuwabara queried. Yuusuke was silent for such a long time; Kuwabara wasn't sure whether he'd heard the question.
"I don't know," the dark haired boy sighed. There was a hint of hurt in his voice, just a little hint, but it was enough for Kuwabara to notice it. He sat down next to his friend again, not sure what to do. Giving advice could cut either way, since he had the focal point of the situation hiding at his house.
"I was over at Kurama's yesterday," Yuusuke explained, "and we were…" he looked at Kuwabara who nodded understanding, "and then Hiei shows up. That wouldn't have been so bad, accept he looked so shocked. He was looking from Kurama to me, with murder practically written on his face. Then he walks out, and Kurama jumps up after him."
Kuwabara raised an eyebrow, and Yuusuke nodded. "I made him get some cloths on before he went after Hiei. I… We agreed that we were together," Yuusuke sighed.
"Did you talk to him about it?" Kuwabara offered softly.
"I can't," Yuusuke admitted, in an agonized voice. "He was playing both sides," he began, "and I don't know which he really wants to be on…" 'I don't know if he really wants me,' went unspoken.
Kuwabara wanted to say something about not being able to 'play' Hiei. Hiei wasn't that blind, or that stupid. He bit his tongue however, as he looked at his best friend. Yuusuke wasn't that blind or stupid either. Kurama had been clever, and Kuwabara couldn't blame Hiei for not trusting either Kurama, or Yuusuke. If he were Hiei, he wouldn't want to run into Yuusuke either… Too much weirdness right now.
Kuwabara also knew that Yuusuke wandering around trying to get back at Kurama wasn't going to help things for either of them. He also quelled this piece of advice. He'd have to ask Hiei what had been going on, if Kurama really had been cheating, before he said anything to Yuusuke. Kuwabara figured that this emotional distraction would take the heat off of him for a while, and he really didn't want to send Yuusuke in not knowing what the outcome would be.
"I don't know what to say," Kuwabara half lied. Yuusuke looked up at him, for some sort of help. Buckling under his immense guilt, Kuwabara managed an encouraging smile. "If I figure something out, I'll let you know."
"Thanks," Yuusuke smiled, relief in his voice. "I'm sorry 'bout earlier," he said softly.
"Don't worry about it," Kuwabara barely maintained his false smile. All of this was just making him feel worse about lying. It was a lot harder to lie straight faced to some one that trusts you, than he had originally thought. He sighed heavily as he left the park to head home, glad he didn't do this all the time. It would probably kill him.
~~~~-~~~~-~~~~-~~~~
Kuwabara returned home about one o' clock. Shizuru had already left for her day job, so he fumbled for his keys to unlock the door. Once inside, he lingered downstairs for a while, wondering how he'd gotten into this mess. It was simple enough. The object of his heart's desire had slid into his room last night, and asked to stay. It wasn't like he was gonna say 'no.'
He wandered reluctantly upstairs, wanting to check on Hiei. He opened the door slowly, incase Hiei was asleep or something. He wasn't. The fire demon was sitting cross-legged on the bed, reading one of Kuwabara's books. Red eyes shifted from what he was reading to Kuwabara. They flickered slightly as the recognized him as 'just the oaf' and returned to reading whatever the book was.
Kazuma simply gaped at the small form on the bed. Hiei was wearing on of his shirts. Suffice it to say, it was much too big, the fabric hung loosely all about the demon. It was a T-shirt, but the sleeves easily reached three quarters of the way down Hiei's arms. The color was hung loosely around his collarbones, revealing the sharp contours of Hiei's neck and shoulders. He was also wearing a pair of Kuwabara's drawstring boxers, which were more like baggy shorts. Kuwabara had hated those kinds of boxers until now. Any and all remorse he had harbored for allowing Hiei to stay had flown out the window at that moment.
Hiei looked up sharply, having felt Kuwabara's dark eyes on him. Kuwabara paled slightly in response, though Hiei didn't seem to notice. "This wasn't my idea," he stated coldly, gesturing to the cloths. "Your sister ticked me into taking a shower, then stole my cloths." Kuwabara stifled a snicker, and Hiei snorted.
"Sleep well?" Kuwabara inquired walking over to his desk. He'd meant to sound mocking, but a kinder emotion slipped in instead. With his back to Hiei, he couldn't see the demon blush slightly at the question.
"Hn." Hiei managed, getting his feelings back under control. When Kuwabara turned back around, he decided to change the focus of their dialogue. "Where were you?"
Kuwabara smiled. "Why?" His grin broadened, "You miss me shrimp?"
Hiei snorted "I don't know what makes you this stupid, but it really works."
Kuwabara feigned hurt, "That one really cut deep." He was well used to Hiei's remarks about being stupid by now. They would play 'the dozens' all the time, to see who could come up with the most insults before the day was over. Hiei looked unimpressed, an almost like he would play. Instead he returned to the book he'd been so avidly reading.
"I was talking with Yuusuke," Kuwabara said, a hint of 'I know something you don't,' in his voice. Hiei managed not to snap to attention at the words, though he was looking up intensely at the tall youth. Kuwabara watched as the aura around the demon changed again, the dark cloud surfacing, flashes of apprehension playing across it as well.
"Apparently he and Kurama are having serious relationship trouble." Hiei looked shocked for a minute, which surprised Kuwabara.
"You knew about their…" There was a long pause as realization dawned, anger now lining the dark aura. "About their 'relationship?'" Hiei accused.
Kuwabara quickly threw his hands up in defense, "Yuusuke told me at the beginning," he pleaded. "I didn't know you didn't know."
Hiei looked suspicious, "Why would Yuusuke tell you?"
Kuwabara figured he had the right to look offended, so he did. "Because I'm his best friend!"
Hiei was silent for a moment, his face unreadable. "You don't mind?" Hiei seemed a little surprised.
"Mind what," Kuwabara asked confused.
"Mind that your best friend is attracted to other men," Hiei stated clearly. Kuwabara looked indignant again, though he noted their conversation was getting off track.
"Why would I mind that?" He narrowed his eyes at the demon, "It's not like I'm phobic or anything."
Hiei shrugged in reply, "You've made plenty of references that seemed to point the other direction." Hiei was referring to the common insults that Kuwabara had often. Hiei smirked when Kuwabara's face turned bright red. He looked like he'd gotten his hand caught in the cookie jar, after saying he didn't like cookies.
"Well… ah," Kuwabara stammered trying to regain his dignity.
Hiei waved him off, having enjoyed his victory. "In any case," the demon persisted, "what about them not getting along right now?" He was very interested in that.
"Yuusuke is angry that, well, he thinks you and Kurama were… and so he's mad and he wants to get back at Kurama for…" Kuwabara stammered, trying to avoid the whole 'cheating' subject, not sure how Hiei would react.
Hiei actually looked thoughtful. The dark aura remained its relative shape and size.
"He doesn't know that Kurama and I weren't sleeping together?" He inquired. Kuwabara was shocked, and must have looked it, because Hiei chuckled. "I'll admit Kurama lead me on, but we didn't do that…" Hiei paused, not that you wouldn't right? Kuwabara clenched his jaw, feeling extremely jealous. Hiei was too busy thinking to notice.
"No," Kuwabara admitted, "he won't talk to Kurama, since…" he figured he didn't have to finish the sentence.
"Well," Hiei looked a little amused, "That is interesting." It was at this point that Kuwabara realized things weren't 'over' for Hiei and Kurama. He wanted to scream at Hiei that Kurama had lied to him, embarrassed him… But Hiei already knew that. He didn't try to pretend that Kurama wasn't gorgeous enough to fight over; so standing by was out of the question.
Making a mental note on what the penance should be for tipping fate's scales, he decided to have a thorough talk with Yuusuke later. Hiei still had too much pride to go running back to the fox just yet. Kuwabara had to find a time to convince Yuusuke to talk to Kurama, and patch things up before Hiei was able to get to Kurama first. The only consolation Kuwabara had for himself, was the universal rule that all was fair in love… Otherwise this could be very mean, and well out of his honor code's boundaries.
