Daniel's dead. Daniel is dead. Daniel was killed. I keep repeating it to myself, but it hasn't sunk in yet. I'm a widow; my children are fatherless. And my best friends are dead too, and their children are orphans. Orphans under my care.
It's not fair. Daniel can't be dead. I love him, I need him - don't they understand that? I can't do this without him. And especially without Jack and Sam. Sweet Jesus - why did they all have to leave me? I haven't been this alone for over twenty years now; how am I expected to cope?
I'm a doctor. I deal with death on a regular basis. I'm the one who has to write the condolence letters to parents, spouses, children... Now I'm the one receiving the letter, but I'm still the one who has to tell the children. I have to be strong for them - they're going to be looking to me for support. But I've got no one to support me.
Except Cassie of course, who's halfway across the continent, on her honeymoon. There's this part of me that didn't want to tell her until it was over. Let her finish, and enjoy her honeymoon without the disruption of flying back home for the memorial service, and having her mother cry on her. But then I knew that she would never forgive me if I didn't. Everyone knew that if it weren't for Sam's commitments to SG-1, she would have adopted Cassie. At first I envied the bond between them, but now I realise that Cassie and I have our own bond, which is now even stronger than the one she and Sam first shared. I may have only married Daniel four years after she graduated high school, but he'd been around us for a long time before we actually got up the courage to get married. Although thinking about it, I don't think getting drunk in Vegas and finding the nearest wedding chapel actually required that much courage! Still, at least we managed to have a service when we returned - even if it was "just for show," to quote Jack. Jack - actually, he was probably Cassie's first father figure. Especially when he bought her that puppy. She was devastated when we had to put him down. Actually, to tell you the truth, so was I.
But I don't think the woes we felt when we put our dog to sleep even begin to reach the magnitude I feel now. How could it? I've just lost my husband, my lover, my children's father, my children's godparents and my best friends. With the exception of the children and my job, my entire life has gone. And how am I meant to go back to the SGC, knowing that they were responsible for the pain I feel now?
I'm just so numb. Numb, empty... can't even think of the words to describe how I feel, apart from sick, depressed, stunned, crushed, devastated, shattered, broken hearted, in shock.
Actually, I think that sums it up pretty much.
