When mom told me, I was numb. I mean, it's bad enough being told that your adopted father is dead, but to be told that everyone I had grown up with, everyone I held dear to me was dead... I don't think words can even begin to describe that experience.
When I finally arrived back home in Colorado Springs last night, -presumed dead had been added to their statuses. They wouldn't be called Killed in Action until a body was found. And if that's not a depressing thought, then I don't know what is. Those bodies were my friends, and my confidants for over twenty years.
Robert's been acting really strange ever since we flew back from Toronto. I don't think he knows what to say, or what to do. He knew everyone who went, but not like I knew them.
The worrying thing is that if we hadn't been on our honeymoon, as the 2IC of SG-15 I would have been a part of the Triumvirate team. I would have been killed on P3X-639, and then what would mom have done? I should be dead, because Robert and I had originally planned to honeymoon after the Triumvirate. He just took me in his arms, and didn't let go when mom told me. I bet if I go and see Doctor Williams, she say that I'm suffering from survivor's guilt, and in a way, I think she's right. What did I do to survive that the others didn't? I only didn't die because I fell in love and got married. Jack, Sam and Daniel all did that. Sure, it may have taken them all a while to stop being so stubborn, but they managed it, and there are six children hopefully still asleep at mom's because of it. I deserved to die more than they did - I have no children waiting for me at home.
I haven't seen any of the kids yet - we only got back late last night. Mom said that Elizabeth hasn't said anything since she was told. None of them will be going into school today, but can you blame them? I'll be going to the mountain later - see if I can find Colonel Richardson, and see what he can tell me. There are so many things that I want to know - none of which I want to ask mom. She's suffering enough as it is now - I know she really loved Daniel... dad. I never called him that enough, thinking about it. But he was my dad. I was twenty when mom became the second Doctor Jackson, but I was only fourteen, fifteen, when they started seeing each other. And now mom's a widow, with six children to look after.
An idea was forming in my head, and I turned over and poked my new husband in the ribs. He just groaned.
"Robert," I called softly. The only response I got was another groan. "Captain Paris wake up this instant - that's an order, mister," I commanded in my best 'Major Fraiser' voice. Maybe I should have changed my name to Jackson when mom married Daniel. Maybe that would have shown him how much he means... meant to me.
"Hu? What's up Cass?" He asked, looking up at me bleary-eyed.
"I want to adopt Daniel and Beth," I announced, watching his reaction. His face showed an expression of pure surprise.
"If I say yes, will you let me go back to sleep?" Was his only comment to my proposal.
I thought about it for a minute. "Only if you say yes," I told him.
"Sure then. You can sort out all the legal stuff, right?" My beloved husband was gradually falling asleep on me. Any other time and I would have been insulted. But, in his defence, it was 0400 hours.
"Yeah, I'll do all that," I told him, aware that he probably wasn't listening to me anymore. I wondered if he'd even remember the conversation when he got up later.
I couldn't sleep after that conversation, but if truth be told, I hadn't really slept all night. The tragedy that had befallen the Stargate program and all involved was just too great.
