Today was not a day I had been looking forward to. Today was to be the first day of the memorial services for those lost attending the Triumvirate. Today we were going to say goodbye to SG-1... the original SG-1.

And I was the one who would have to perform the ceremony. The base commander, and base second-in-command were two of those who the ceremony was for, and the third in command would be mourned in another two days.

Which left me, as the oldest colonel on world at least, although I think technically Colonel Doctor Fraiser is meant to be in command. But, based on her current emotional state, I don't think that her being in command and being forced to hold the memorial service for her own husband and her best friends is the best idea that the United States Air Force has ever come up with.

My hands were shaking this morning when I was getting dressed. I couldn't even manage my buttons, so Holly did them for me, brushed the invisible dust off my jacket; the perfect military wife. She wasn't showing any emotion on her face as we got ready for the memorial service; her military training still shines through despite the years. It may have been a long time ago since she worked at the SGC, but she knew the people that we are remembering today. She often worked in the lab with Sam Carter - especially when she was working as a civilian advisor. And before that, when she was still in the Air Force, her team had gone on several joint expeditions with SG-1, as they had still been then. I knew that she had kept in touch with Sam, and then by default, General O'Neill. Our daughter, Megan, is friends with Elizabeth O'Neill, so we would see them outside the SGC too. Megan asked this morning why Elizabeth wasn't at school anymore, and wanted to know if she'd ever see her again. Holly just told her that Elizabeth was very upset at the moment, but she'd be coming over to play with her soon. I know from talking with Major Fraiser that Elizabeth hasn't actually said anything since she'd been told, and that they're all worried about her. She was very attached to both of her parents, and the loss has hit her hard. She'll be coming soon for the memorial service.

I rose from the chair in my office, preparing to check that everything was under control. I know I should theoretically be in the base commander's office but I can't go in there. It's still General O'Neill's office - there's just so much of him in there; photos of his wife, children and extended family - his SGC family.

Oh God, I can't do this. I stand half way in between my desk and the door, frozen. I can't go through with this. Until a few days ago, the people who we are mourning were parents, spouses, leaders... living human beings. My friends. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through this service, with the O'Neill children, the Jackson children... Maybe if it were a military affair then I'd manage it. Distance myself from the truth; hide behind the uniform. But I'm going to take one look at those orphans and fatherless children, and I won't be able to do it. I'm a father myself, and I know I risk my life every time I step through the Stargate. But before I justified because of the importance of the work that we do here. Something that is bigger than every single person that has ever stepped through that ring. But now I realise that there is something greater than that, and that thing is love. I know that Carter and O'Neill had to sacrifice a lot along the way before the amendment came so they could marry. Holly explains it better - she and Sam had a long talk about it apparently, a long time ago, when she here as a civilian. We'd only just become a couple, and she worried about me going on missions. Sam replied that neither she nor O'Neill would give up SG-1 to have a relationship because neither could bear the thought of having one out there without the other. They sacrificed their physical needs, the allowance of showing their love physically to soothe their hearts, because it hurt them too much to be separated. Love isn't sex, it isn't kissing, it isn't cuddling. It's making the sacrifice so both can be happy. They both loved their jobs, and neither would have asked the other to give it up. We all knew back then that they were all but a couple without the vocal and physical demonstrations, although there was the one incident where they were forced to admit it. Or at least, those were the rumours going around, although no one could say for certain. With the exception of a Tok'ra - I forget her name - the only other witnesses were Janet Fraiser and Teal'c, and nothing would drag anything from them. The Tok'ra said some things, I know that much, but I didn't listen to rumours back then. Still don't. A lot of rumours fly round a place this big.

My phone rings, breaking me out of my thoughts and memories. The president and her entourage are here, and it's up to me to greet them. Head up, shoulders straight and just do your job fly-boy. It's the least you can do.