JAG and it's character's don't belong to me. I'm only playing in Mr. Bellisario's world. Any characters NOT taken directly from JAG or making cameo appearances from other televison shows DO belong to me.
A/N: Thoughts are in *'s
A/N: Thank you to all of you who have read my brain-child and emailed me. I haven't responded to many unless they asked a direct question, but I have read your comments and appreciate your input. And to avoid being awarded the crown for "worst cliffhanger," I got up at 5 this morning to try to get this out. It's not finished by any means, but hopefully this will begin to answer your questions. Beginning tomorrow, my husband is off work for 4 days and my 7 year old doesn't have school on Monday. It will be at least Wednesday before I can get back to this. You have been warned! :)
Chapter 7
**God that weekend was a disaster,** Kate thought as she landed the plane in Virginia. She looked at her passenger and wondered what he was thinking. They hadn't said two words to each other all day. She knew there were better ways to handle this than she had done, but there wasn't any way to make this easier.
"I called Juan before we left. He should have brought the Pontiac out here - the keys should be in it so you take it and go to Sarah. I'll call her later when I have clearer idea of what exactly is going on. " Harm started to speak, but she waved him off. "We'll work out the logistics of getting it back later."
Harm nodded, but didn't answer her. He didn't like being left in the dark about something that was obviously tearing both of them apart. Until he knew a lot more about what this was about, he wasn't sure he hadn't been right when he told Mac that Kate was going to hurt her.
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Harm knocked on Mac's door. She must have been standing there waiting for him because it opened almost before he finished. It was obvious that she'd had a rough night. If she had slept at all it was because she had cried herself to sleep. She didn't say anything to him when she opened the door, she just launched herself into his arms.
"It's okay, Mac. It's okay. I don't know what this is all about, but we're going to get through it. Remember? It's you and me? Butch and Sundance? Batman and Robin?" Harm backed her carefully into the apartment and guided her gently to the couch. He sat her down gently. "Can I get you some coffee? Tea? Breakfast?"
Mac shook her head and buried her face in her hands. She wasn't crying anymore, but she couldn't look at him. "You're going to hate me. You're going to think I'm the most horrible person in the world..."
Harm sat down next to her, pulled her hands down. He put his hand under her chin and lifted her head so that she had to look at him. "I could never hate you. What could you have done that would be so terrible?" The look on his face was of tender concern, but she could see some sadness there too. "I guess you've told me so much about your childhood I thought I new all of your secrets, but I promise you I won't judge you for whatever you did when you were..."
"Seventeen." Mac said sadly. "Maybe you'd better make that coffee. This is going to take a while." While he made coffee, Mac looked at the mess she had made of her life. She had spend so many years trying to convince herself that she was worth just as much as everyone else. That she was strong and could take care of herself without help from anyone. Lord knows she got precious little help when she was a child. Now look. She was sitting on the couch like a lost goose, bawling and helpless. She hated to have Harm see this, to know this side of her but she needed him more now than ever before. He said he wouldn't hate her, but she knew better. She hated herself.
Harm spent the time watching her and worrying. He had never seen her this vulnerable. Whatever it was he knew that she needed him to get over his anxieties about a relationship and help her deal with this crisis.
When they both had steaming cups of hot coffee, Mac began her story. "This is before Chris." she paused. "Before the fight Kate and I had. You know I was drinking then, that I pretty much did what I wanted to do and to hell with the future... Kate's mom took me in... The longest time I ever spent at her house was about six months." she stopped, swallowed hard to keep from crying and went to look out the window. She couldn't face Harm while she talked about this. "When I was pregnant."
Stunned but not stupid, Harm set his coffee down on the table and walked up behind her. He put his hands on her shoulders to offer comfort and strength. Mac moved away from him. "Please don't touch me right now - in a minute I'm going to fall apart and need you to hold me, but right now I need to get through this on my own."
Mac wandered around the apartment, aimlessly trying to put into words something she had buried so deeply she'd almost forgotten about it. Almost. "Kate's mom helped me deal with the pregnancy, let me stay with them after my dad... the only time he ever beat me was when he discovered I was pregnant... she told me I didn't have to have it... didn't have to keep it... but I couldn't do that. I couldn't face those kind of choices. Kate's mom took me to the hospital and stayed with me through my labor." Mac lost control and began to cry again. "I had a beautiful baby girl. I named her Rachel. Afterwards, we stayed with my dad some, sometimes with Kate's family until the fight, about 6 months later. Then I left. I walked out and I left Rachel there. I left my beautiful baby girl and I never went back." Mac collapsed onto the floor and began to sob like her heart was breaking.
Harm was having a hard time working through this story. His Mac, beautiful Mac who wanted children, had abandoned her daughter? God how little he really knew about what kind of life she had led. The things that had hurt her and shaped her into the woman she was. And even knowing, he realized, didn't mean that he could understand. At this point, he realized how sheltered his life had really been. He'd lost his dad, his mom and remarried and he'd taken the trip to Vietnam when he was sixteen, but through all of that he'd had the love and support of his mom and step-dad. While he'd gotten his share of corporal punishment, he had never been beaten. Never wondered if he was going to be able to sleep in his own house. He sank down onto the floor beside her and pulled her into his arms. "I told you we would get through this together and I meant it. But you have to tell me what's going on now."
"Harm I'm a MONSTER! I left my baby!" she hiccuped as she tried to control her tears. "I called Kate after I talked to you. I had to. She said her mom kept Rachel, I guess she adopted her. Kate said they have always told her pretty much the truth about her mother. Since she turned 13, she's been on a rampage that she needs to see me. Because of her age it's been pretty easy to put her off. But she's 17. She graduated from high school early... I don't know where she got those kind of brains ... Kate said Rachel was at school when her mom told her about me living here. Kate didn't mention it, hasn't told any of them that we've... what... made up? Whatever. But a couple of weeks ago when they were on the phone, Kate's mom asked her point blank if she'd ever managed to hook up with me. And Rachel heard her."
Things were beginning to click into place. "And she wants to see you." Harm stated.
Mac nodded. "Apparently no one knew she had overheard the conversation. She didn't say anything about it until this weekend. She called Kate early Saturday morning, told her she had a plane ticket and was coming this week. Asked if she could stay at the farm. Apparently they had a row about Rachel's coming and how traumatic this was going to be... Kate originally wasn't going to help her. Wasn't going to let her stay. She knows what this is going to do to me. She said she almost didn't come find me because of Rachel but she thought I might want to hear about her. She said when I didn't ask about her that first day, she thought I didn't care. Then she heard about my miserable life and said that until I dealt with this, all of my relationships were going to fall apart," she stopped and looked at the floor. "I'm rambling."
"No," Harm told her, his arms tightening around her, "you're coping. Keep talking if it helps."
"I don't know what to say. She's going to be here this week - Kate said she'd call when she had actual flight information - she's going to want to see me and she's going to hate me for leaving her."
"Maybe not. If she's as smart as you are, maybe she'll realize that you were in a living hell. That you were dealing with too many things that a 16 year old should never have to. That in an act of cowardice and selfishness you gave her a life and opportunities that you never could have given her," Mac started to defend herself, but Harm didn't giver her a chance. " No, wait. I'm not placing blame. You had to have been scared out of your wits and you were doing what you thought would take care of you. That it didn't work out isn't your fault. When it fell apart, you didn't tell your Uncle Matt, did you?"
"No. I was too ashamed. And too scared. I knew what happened to women who abandoned their babies. I spend years looking over my shoulder, waiting to be arrested. I guess I always assumed the Murphy's had turned her over to Child Protective Services. I don't know what I thought would happen but I was sure I'd never see her again."
They sat on the floor holding each other for more than an hour. Finally, Harm shifted. "Are you hungry? I'm sure you don't feel like going out, but I can find something to fix. I suspect you haven't eaten since last night."
Mac smiled. "I don't think I really have a choice. I was going to see if I couldn't get you to take me to the commissary this afternoon... before all this started at least... you know how it is trying to get all those bags in a Corvette and all..."
Just then the phone rang. Mac looked from the phone to Harm and back several times, her face showing nothing but pure fear. Harm put his hand on her shoulder, leaned forward and picked up the cordless phone. "McKenzie residence....She's okay - we're talking it through... yeah, it's been really tough for her but I think she's going to be ready to face it..." He looked at Mac and mouthed, "Do you want to talk?" She shook her head fiercely. "Do you have any more information when Rachel is going to get here?" He stood up and walked to the kitchen for a sheet of paper. "Mmm hmmm... okay...okay. Let me get with Mac and see what makes her the most comfortable and one of us will call you back either later today or tomorrow morning... I will."
When he had hung up the phone, Harm walked over and offered Mac his hand to help her off of the floor. When she was up, he held her hand rather than letting it go. "Okay, this is how things are going to work - not much to Rachel's liking, but Kate seems to think this is best, and I agree with her. Rachel is flying in tomorrow night. She's going to stay at the farm and Kate is going to have a firm set down with her on Tuesday. Wednesday we are all going to do something - what is up to you - but this meeting needs to take place in some kind of neutral territory. All of our houses and the zoo are off limits. Anything else is game. After the initial meeting, if you two want to go somewhere alone that's fine. If you want me to come with you I will. Kate's going to step out at this point. Rachel has to go back on Friday to start college. She can leave anytime before then if either one of you wants her to go." All Mac could do was nod. This was all happening to fast for her to process easily, especially on an empty stomach.
Harm leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on Mac's forehead. "This is all going to be ok. One way or another it's time to get this skeleton out of your closet."
Mac wrapped her arms around his waist. "Thank you Harm. Thank you for not hating me. Thank you for staying. I don't think I could face her alone."
"I told you I could never hate you. I love you too much for that Ninja-Girl."
Mac looked up and for the first time saw the truth in his eyes. He did love her. He would stand by her through anything this world decided to throw at her. He loved her when she was being Ms. Big-Bad-Marine and he loved her when she was sobbing like a baby in his arms. There was nothing she needed to hide from him. "I love you too," she choked out.
"I know. You tried to tell me on the ferry and I wouldn't, couldn't, see past all the disasters in both of our lives. It took me this long and one very important realization to accept it."
"What realization?"
"That is isn't so much about where we work that is important - it's that we get to come home to each other day in and day out. Plus, look around. I don't know that I've ever been stationed somewhere that there wasn't at least one dual military family around. Sometimes a lot more than that. Harriet and Bud have managed to work it out to their advantage, but as long as we're both in the general area we can make it work.
Mac was a little confused, but she thought she might like it. "So we go from my bastard child to... what is this? A marriage proposal?"
That made Harm chuckle. "That sounds about right for us doesn't it? We can deal with the you and me anytime we want to. I just want you to know that I am willingly in this for as long as it takes."
"Deal. Now didn't you say something about food?"
