Disclaimer: We don't own any of Pirates of the Caribbean stuff.

WE WARN YOU, THIS IS SCREWED UP! YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITH NO PLOT? DON'T LIKE WEIRD STORIES? THEN DON'T READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

This story features David Borenez (spelling?), who we don't really like so we will take the mickey out of him. Sorry to anyone who likes him!

My friend and I wrote this story one-day when we were bored. We wrote more and now it has a (loose) story line. It's supposed to be humour and that's probably why it's so random! Anyway the rating is for swearing and some references to sex, savvy? Sorry, couldn't resist!

This was once know as one fucked up piece of shit, but the title wasn't a g rating, so it got taken off the site.

EVERYBODY! GO SEE RETURN OF THE KING!!! It's brilliant!!!!

Jack and Will's screwy adventures

Chapter one: The Lost Souls. Savvy?

Breeze upon the sail, sea air upon their faces, the Sun's rays warming their tanned flesh. A thin streak of land came into view.

"Land ahoy, Sparrow!" said first mate Will.

"Right, oars out men! ROW! Will get out my best coat and yours!" said Captain Jack Sparrow.

"Aye, aye, Captain!" said Will Turner.

Captain Sparrow got out his compass, if you could call it that- it doesn't point north, and moved the wheel slightly. Beneath deck was a cupboard of rum, Sparrow and Turner's favourite. Jack pulled some out and drank it.

The crew looked on, jealous. They were Sparrow's friends. One had a parrot.

"Land ahoy, land ahoy!" squawked the parrot. Its name was Polly.

Jack took another swig of rum, swaying on his feet.

"Where's the cheese? I mean, chicken leftovers?" He started laughing hysterically. Will smirked at him and climbed up the rigging to the bird's nest. Jack went back beneath deck and saw David Borenez (Whorenez more like). Anyway, David was locked up and was hairy and full of fleas, the fleas were mad at him for getting so hairy and decided to do something. So David was hung by his own fleas!

There was a note on the floor. Jack read it aloud.

"You dickheads! You're too late! We have hanged Gayboy, his nickname, because he was too hairy! Ha ha ha ha ha! Fleas." Jack gasped, "You wankers! But you finished him off nicely!"

"MOO!" cried Daisy, the ship's cow. (A/N don't ask!) She was being hit by someone, and that someone was Violet, the old hooker with a seal laugh, that they picked up on Tortuga on Will's birthday, so she could sing "Happy Birthday" to him. But they kept her to look after Daisy.

"So why was she hitting the cow?" I hear you ask. Well, it's like this. Vi, her nickname, was hitting Daisy because she wanted to eat a red cow, for some unknown reason!

Will walked down the steps and Violet chased both of the hot pirates, who ran away for their lives. Along the way Will knocked over all the rum. Jack dropped to his knees in front of the mess. Suddenly he turned around to face Will.

"You plonker! You've killed all the rum!" He got up and started running after Will, "Come 'ere, you rum-killing plonker!"

Violet, on the other hand, was weeping over David Whorenez's body.

Suddenly a great big scream came from beneath deck.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Sparrow and Turner both ran beneath deck, There was Violet with her tongue stuck in David's teeth. They all laughed.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" They threw Violet and David over the side. The last word they heard coming from Violet's mouth was:

"You arseholes!"

Then Jack turned and kneed Will in the stomach

"That's for the rum!" Will doubled over in pain and then kicked Jack in the balls. They scuffled on deck, not realising that the ship was heading towards a wooden pier.

"SHITTTT!" Everyone shouted.

"I'll get the rum and you get the wheel!" shouted Sparrow.

"Right!" said the brave, chest-hair free Will.