Disclaimer: We don't own any of Pirates of the Caribbean.

WE WARN YOU, THIS IS SCREWED UP! YOU DON'T LIKE STORIES WITH NO PLOT? DON'T LIKE WEIRD STORIES? THEN DON'T READ THIS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

THE RATING IS FOR LOTS OF SWEARING AND SOME REFERENCES TO SEX. Ye have been warned, savvy? Sorry, I couldn't resist!

The story's genres are; humour, romance, action/adventure, general and some slight angst.

There are a lot of inventions in this story that weren't invented anywhere near the seventeenth century. That is how the story goes!

GO SEE RETURN OF THE KING!!!!!!!

My friend and I wrote this story one-day when we were bored. We wrote more and now it has a (loose) story line. It's supposed to be humour and that's probably why it's so random!!

This was once know as one fucked up piece of shit, but the title wasn't a g rating, so it got taken off the site.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!!!

Jack and Will's screwy adventures of the Caribbean.

Chapter two: Tortuga Blues

They docked in Tortuga, where all the crew went off looking for the nearest pub. Jack and Will went in the opposite direction.

"Where are we going?" said Will. "We're goin' visitin'." Answered Jack.

MEANWHILE:

"You'll give us your money.or else!" A badly dressed Whore brandished a knife above a young girl's head. The girl screamed as her friend was slapped sharply around the face.

"Shut up or I'll slit you throat! Now hand over the money!"

Just then Will and Jack walked into the clearing, out of sight of the hookers. They drew their swords, sneaked up silently to the two slappers, grabbed them from behind and placed their swords just in front of their necks.

"Now, now Janie. I don't think you want to be doing that." Jack said.

"Why not, CAPTAIN Sparrow?" Janie said angrily, stressing the Captain.

"Because we'll," he indicated towards Will, "be slittin' you and yer friend's pretty little throats. Now run along and go play." Jack said sarcastically.

Kath, the other whore, said;

"We'll deal with you later."

" I don't think so." Replied Will. The two girls stalked away.

"Now girls, first things first. Your names, if yer please." Jack said cockily.

"And why should we tell you good for nothing pirates?"

" 'Cos we just saved yer lives." The two girls thought for a second.

"I 'spose that's fair. I'm Lily."

"And I'm Melanie." The second girl said, a bright red hand mark appearing on her face.

"Now, I take it you'll be wanting to get away from here?" Jack asked

"Yes! Why?" The girls asked in unison.

"Just follow us," said Will. Suddenly he stopped, "Oh no! Lily, Melanie, run!"

"Why?" asked Lily.

"Because.."

PAAAARRRRRFFFFF! Sparrow had just farted. It shook the whole island.

"Hang on. I'm goin' to be sick!" Lily screamed. She ran up to Janie and threw up all over her. It was green and lumpy, with orange bits in that looked like carrots, oh yeah it also had hairballs in it (A/N sorry, this is disgusting. I didn't write it, my friend did). They all laughed, except Janie and Kath, who had some over her as well.

"Sorry, I need a big shit! And I mean it!" said Captain Shitarrow (Sparrow).

"Oh god! Well you'll have to go in the sea!" Will said, panicky.

"ARRGGHH! URRRR! Squeeze really tight and then let loose!" (I didn't make that up. It's from scary movie two, which I don't own, sadly)

PLOP!!!!! Jack Sparrow had a very big shit in the sea. About seven fish floated to the surface with he shit.

"I've got dinner sorted!" Jack cried joyously.

"NOW can we go?" asked Will.

Jack wiped his arse quickly on some driftwood and got splinters in his buttocks.

" You can get them out later luv. Savvy?" He winked at Lily, who giggled and blushed, "Don't worry, I'll wash it first!"

Will rolled his eyes and then looked meaningfully at Melanie. She started singing "where is the love?" and Will looked deeper into her eyes with a spark of love in his.

Suddenly a helicopter flew over and the Navy came down and fined jack 50 shillings for having a shit in the sea. Sparrow got really annoyed.

" You fucking bastards! It was only some shit!" But in the end he paid up and the Navy flew off (A/N fuck knows why they're in the Navy if they fly around in a helicopter! My friend writes the fucked up bits mostly).

Suddenly everything froze and the writers appeared.

Writer one (me): This is one fucked up piece of shit.

Writer two (my friend): I agree.

Then they disappeared without a trace. Everything unfroze and went back to the story.

"Back to the ship for rum and loving!" Jack shouted, getting cries of agreement in return.

"Right, I'm in the bed with Captain Jack Sparrow, the shitty buttocks boy!" said Lily,

"Fine by me!" Melanie replied.

BACK ON THE SHIP:

Will looked down and saw he had a hole in his jaunty little socks.

"Ah crap." He said.

"Don't worry, I'll sew it up for you." Melanie got out her needle and grey thread from nowhere and sewed the hole in his sock up.

"Thanks." He smiled handsomely and kissed her on the lips. Lily pretended to be sick again and Jack looked away.

"Shut up Lil!"

LATER ON THE SHIP:

Jack ran a hot bubbly jacuzzi and got out his yellow duck, called Quack. He dropped Quack in, stripped off all his clothes, save for his boxers, then jumped in. The duck floated around on the bubbles.

Suddenly Lily came in, wearing only a bikini.

"Oh sorry Captain. You don't mind if I share it with you?"

"Jump in!" So lily jumped in with him and they sang a song.

"Quack, du, du, du, du, du, du, du, du, quack, quack!" (A/N from one of my friend's favourite adverts) They both laughed. Jack held Lily and their eyes met.

"Yer sittin' on Quack!" Jack said, aghast.

"Sorry!"

" That's all right'."

They both laughed again and snogged for at least five minutes.

MEANWHILE:

Melanie sat Will's bed, humming the tune to "superstar" by Jamelia. She had her eyes closed and didn't see Will come in, topless. He came up behind her and started massaging her shoulders.

" You've got a nice tan Melanie." Will said.

She turned around and hugged Will tightly.

"You know, my friends call me Mel. Don't tell Jack though." They started snogging. After a while Will stopped and went to get a snack. He came back a few minutes later with a handful of cookies.

He didn't look where he was going and his feet got tangled up in his shirt. He tripped up and knocked into Mel, pushng them both onto the bed. They kissed and got into the bed. Will asked Mel about her life, so they talked about that for a while, then Will blew out the candle and.. well you can guess what happened next, right? Those of you that can't, for one reason or another, they had sex.

Back in the bathroom, Lily and Jack got out the jacuzzi and dried each other off. Jack touched Lily's face lightly and said:

"I love you." Lily smiled.

They wrapped their towels around them and Lily ran into Jack's large cabin. She got into the bed. Meanwhile Jack was getting a bottle of rum. He came into the cabin and did a running jump onto the bed. He blew the candle out.

" Ouch, you fucking bottle, you're cold!" Jack cried after dropping the rum in his lap (plonker). They both drank the rum and then started singing.

"Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!" Then they had sex.

That's chapter two!!!! R/R please? Pretty please with Will and Jack on top?