Delectation 4/6

Scully awoke with a pounding headache. Her first coherent thought was to kill the little men inside her brain who were drumming on her skull.

The next was, what the hell happened?

Without even opening her eyes, she could tell she was in a hospital. The tang of the cleaning products constantly used, along with the discernible stench of sickness proved her suspicions.

She pulled her eyelids apart, forcing her eyes to focus. The first thing she saw was the bare white of the hospital room ceiling. She lay, staring at the blank awning for a long time, struggling to gather her thoughts which seemed to be scattered all over her brain.

She remembered a sense of urgency.

And a haunting song...

This is gonna hurt like hell...

Scully groaned, it did hurt like hell... the vague impression that something was terribly wrong rooted itself deep into her psyche. Her head ached, her shoulder, for some reason, was killing her. But it was her stomach that bothered her the most...

With a flash of recollection, she sat up, clutching her stomach. The baby! How could she have forgotten? And Mulder... Oh God...

"Oh God..." Scully whispered, the susurration caught deep in her throat, coming out as a strangled sob. "Oh please God, no..." she squeezed her eyes shut and glanced quickly under her sheets.

There was no blood.

A wave of relief washed over Scully until the doctor in her whispered that the lack of menstrual fluid didn't mean a thing. The baby could have still died inside of her.

She shut her eyes again and steepled her fingers against her forehead. She issued a silent prayer, a plea up to God to keep her baby alive. It wouldn't be fair to take away this child now. Scully had already suffered too much. If this child inside of her died...she wasn't sure she would be able to endure.

Somebody cleared his throat from across the room, Scully looked up with dull eyes to see Skinner standing in the doorway. Scully felt an odd disappointment wash over her as she realized that it was not Mulder standing there. Of course, Mulder wouldn't be so polite about it, he would come over the minute he saw her face and wrapped her into one of his loving embraces and comfort her.

"Sir," Scully cleared her own throat as not to reveal the tears that choked her. "What have you heard?" she gnawed slightly on the inside of her lip, not really wanting to hear the answer.

As Skinner approached, she could see tears burning his eyes. Oh God no... Scully thought to herself again. The only time she had seen Walter Skinner cry had been two months ago when he had come into a hospital room similar to the one she was in now, to tell her that her partner, the man she loved, was gone.

There had been a look of utter failure and grief in his eyes then, the same look Scully was seeing now. Scully felt the ball of dread settle into her gut.

"When you came in, I was here, one of the doctor's had seen me with you and got me. I told them that you were a few months pregnant," the older man stopped, his voice catching with the words. Scully drew in a breath as her features contorted in grief.

"They did a sonogram, the baby's heart stopped..." Scully bowed her head into her hands. She stared at her own pale skin, it was her fault. All her fault, she realized, if she hadn't been going so fast, if she had let one of the other guys drive her. If, if, if, the happenstance haunted her, plagued her thoughts and conscience.

She raised her head again, silent tears incandescent in her wide eyes, but refusing to let them spill. It was her fault, the thought and guilt plagued her.

Her fault, her fault, her fault. She couldn't even save her own unborn child...but she could at least save her child's father.

"Where are my clothes?" She asked softly, the surprise registered on Skinner's face.

"Agent Scully, you can't go anywhere..."

"Like hell I can't!" She growled at him. "I have to see Mulder, I have to save him at the very least," in the back of her mind, Scully realized she was probably making very little sense to her boss. In defiance, she swung her legs over the side of the stiff bed. Her bare feet met the cold floor and she set about removing the IV's stuck in her arms, with the diligence of a doctor.

Skinner watched silently, aware that once Dana Scully got her mind set on something, nothing was going to stop her. He had learned that years ago.

Meanwhile tears burned Scully's eyes, blurring her vision as she removed the tubes from her already weakened body. She spotted her jacket on the other side of the room, resting on a chair. She pushed herself up, out of bed, refusing Skinner's offered hand.

She snatched her jacket with unsteady fingers. All the while two words repeated like a maddening mantra in her brain.

My fault, my fault, my fault...

She fumbled with the jacket until she found the small inside pocket that concealed the tube with the cure for her partner. With one more silent plea to God, she reached inside the pocket, praying that the tube had stayed intact.

Her fingers closed around something small and cold...

And withdrew a solid plastic tube... with the serum all inside.

Scully closed her eyes in relief and clutched the container firmly. She was aware of Skinner's eyes boring into her back, puzzled by her odd behavior. Without turning around to meet his eyes she spoke softly, "I want to be moved to Mulder's room. I have to be near him...Please, sir?"

Skinner nodded, aware she could not see it. "I'll get on it," he left the room silently, leaving Scully clutching the vial to her chest with depressed hope.

She set the tube down on the small table next to her and grabbed her jeans, pulling them on underneath the revealing medical gown. She pulled her tank top on next, it was dark red in color and Scully winced at how much it suddenly reminded her of blood. The blood of her unborn child...

Scully gasped slightly and collapsed into the chair, the impact of what had happened hitting her like a brick wall. "Oh God, why?" the plea went unheard as far as she could tell. Scully bent over in agony at the piercing pain that shot up her body from the pressure on a tender stomach and bruised ribs.

With a silent, shuddering sob, she hunched over, breathing hard. The weight of her injuries and guilt pounded at her, tearing her apart. The physical pain combined with her mental anguish was almost too much for her, she just wanted it all to stop. Scully bit down on her lip hard to keep the tears from spilling over. This wasn't like her, she was strong, she could survive. The time for grieving would be later, right now she had a obligation to her partner.

When the pain had passed, she sat up again, grasping the tube of serum off the table blindly. She resolved to at least save him, she had heard Krycek and Marita Covarrubias, Mulder was important. Much more important than her. He needed to be saved.

Scully opened her door cautiously, wincing as every movement aggravated a pre-existing bruise or creating a new one. She shuffled down the hall, she discovered that Mulder's room was only a few doors down.

His room was dim, the overhead lights were off, but the area surrounding his bed was lit up with a pale yellow light. Scully bit her lip, how was she going to tell him? Ever since Emily, she had known he had wanted children, he loved children, and he was so good with them.

She knew that when he had discovered that she was barren he had resolved himself to a childless fate, unless their children were to be adopted.

Scully wondered how she was supposed to tell him that she had carried their child inside of her for a few short months, and then lost her.

He already knew she was pregnant, she knew he had heard her somehow. He had talked to her in that dream, told her that he loved her, she knew that hadn't been some grief induced hallucination. He had come to her, he had known about the child, but hadn't mentioned it.

But she could tell that he knew, by the light in his eyes, he had known.

How was she going to tell him now that their baby had lost it's life before it had even gained one?

She bit her lip and resolved her determination, Mulder would still love her, she knew that know. But would he be able to forgive her?

Shaking away dark thoughts, Scully opened a drawer in the table beside her partner's bed and pulled out a syringe. She inserted the needle tip into the tube and slowly withdrew the golden serum into the syringe, leaving only a few drops left in the tube, and shot a glance at her partner. His face was thin, he had several new lines around his eyes. Lines unfamiliar to the ones she had memorized after seven years of scrutiny. Slowly she sat down in the chair next to him, biting her lip to keep from crying out in pain as her injured parts complained to her.

She set the needle down on the table and reached out to stroke his forehead, she smiled at the sight of her cross still around his neck. The doctors and nurses must think he was a religous man if they were letting him wear it, they were far from the truth.

Scully ran her fingers over his skin, her feather light touch instantly easing the lines on his impassive face. Scully moved her hand from his head to his hand, glancing down at it she noticed how small her own pale hand was in his pale large one. His fingers were slack in her grip, those fingers, used to soothe her pain and distress, he was the only one who could calm her with just a touch. They had caressed her face, her body, and had fired a gun to kill those who would threaten her, or others.

She kissed his fingers lightly and squeezed his hand, offering strength she was not sure she had. And love. She retrieved the syringe from its resting spot on the table and pulled his hospital gown down to reveal his shoulder so she could prep it. Slowly, she pushed the alcohol and swabs aside to ease the needle into his frangible skin.

She emptied all but a few drops into his system, she didn't want to give him too much, even the most harmless of medicines could be lethal in large amounts. Scully pushed the remnants of the serum out of the syringe and back into the tube, that went safely into her inside pocket.

Then she sat back, gripping his hand, and waited.

~ ~ ~ ~

Mulder squinted in the darkness, holding on firmly to the golden cord that he believed was his way out of there. There was something wrong, he could feel it.

He could see a silver cord stretching out of him, he had noticed that some time earlier. He figured it was his own essence, it combined with the golden cord of Scully where somewhere down the line, creating a sort of copper strand that trailed off into the distance.

He had assumed some time earlier that the copper strand must be their child, still growing inside of Scully, the vibrant copper link had beckoned him, pulled him forward.

But now it was fading rapidly.

Mulder glanced anxiously at Scully's own then, the vibrant gold had dimmed just a bit, but it was still there, still shining.

What was going on? Could she have lost the child?

Fearful now, Mulder grabbed the three cords, connecting the child to him and Scully and pressed them together, wondering if he could bring the child back this way. Wondering if this was even happening at all. He melded the three strands, shaping them together with his hands, praying that this would work.

"Hold on, baby," he whispered desperately. "Please, hold on."

He held on to the three twining strands and struggled out of the darkness.

~ ~ ~ ~

Scully watched anxiously as the color flooded back into her partner's cheeks. His breaths were still shallow, but at least he could breathe on his own. She enveloped his hand with her own two and bit her lip. "Come on Mulder, come back to me..."

~ ~ ~ ~

Mulder shook his head free of the mist clinging to him, the rest of the darkness had faded away from him now, all the colors were gone, all that remained was the three strands he clung to.

There was a light ahead, he could see it now, a brilliant golden glow that warmed his cold soul and lifted his faltering spirits. He was so close, only a little farther now...

Mulder stepped through into the light, and was sent drifting through a sea of memories.

'My name is Dana Scully, I've been assigned to work with you...' that had been so long ago, they had come so far from then.

'Mr. Mulder, they've been here for a long, long time...' a cryptic message he had never forgotten, from the only contact he had ever really been able to trust.

'Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anyone but you...' his heart had nearly stopped at her words, Scully always had that affect on him.

'I had the strength of your beliefs...' when she had just woken up from a coma so similar to the one he had been in for the past few days. She had heard him then, he had pierced through the darkness around her like she had done for him.

'I know the truth, now what I want are the answers...' his heart contracted at that memory. The two of them had been in the empty room, formerly occupied by Melissa Scully, who had died. Killed by a bullet meant for her sister. That night had been the first time Scully had understood just what it had been like for Mulder, losing a sister and not being able to do a thing to help.

'Bambi? Her name is BAMBI?!?!' if Mulder had been able to smile, he probably would have started laughing at the memory. Scully had been so jealous, he, of course, hadn't realized it until years later.

'Mulder, put the gun down, you're stronger than this...' that bastard Modell, he could still hear the pain in Scully's voice as she had watched him point the gun at her.

'Even if I knew... Mulder, I wouldn't change a day....well, except maybe for that flukeman thing...' he could hear her voice sounding just as it had all those years ago. She would have stayed with him no matter what, in the years after that, Mulder would wonder if she wanted her old life back, if she ever regretted everything, but he would always remember that conversation, and the honesty in her words.

'The birds the bees and the monkey babies, Mulder ...' a flash of undetermined emotion washed over Mulder as he remembered that particular case. The one where he had burst through the door of his partner's apartment after being locked up for days, only to find her about to kiss Eddie Van Blundht. Mulder frowned inwardly, okay, that wasn't very true, she had thought she was about to kiss him, but that wasn't the point...

'I have cancer...' three little words changed both of their lives forever. He remembered the aching emptiness he had felt without her. And when he had gone to the hospital to see her, and found her diary...

'If not for which I could never be so strong now, as I cross to face you, and look at you incomplete, hoping that you would be able to forgive me for not making the rest of the journey with you...' how could she think he wouldn't forgive her? They had stood on a precipice in that hospital, teetering on an edge they would see again. He had all but dared her to jump then, he had been ready to.

It would be years before either of them jumped.

'Do you believe in miracles?' Miracles, he hadn't believed until Scully's cancer had gone into remission. That was the only time he had dared to believe. Believe like she did.

'There's talk of reassignment... for both of us...' standing amongst the blackened ruins of their work, their lives. Scully had reached out to him, she had been the only one who had understood. She had been the only one who had been able to comfort him.

'I had you, oh yeah, I had you big time...' he could practically hear the grin in her voice. It had been the first time either of them had smiled in a long time, and the last time they would smile for even longer.

And then he heard his own words, haunting him.

'But you've saved me. As difficult and frustrating as it's been sometimes, your goddamn strict rationalism and science have saved me a a hundred... a thousand times over! You kept me honest. You made me a whole person. I owe you everything, Scully, and you owe me nothing. I don't know if I want to do this alone. I don't even know if I can. And if I quit now, they win.' He had come so close to telling her then, to breaking down and confessing that he loved her. That he couldn't live without her. And he probably would have, he would have kissed her and collapse in her arms and tell her everything.

If not for that damn bee.

Godamn bee...

He was interrupted from his bee cursings by more words, wisps of conversations long ago swept and swirled around him, and through him.

'Scully... I love you...' she hadn't believed him then, he could only hope that she did now.

'The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down, one thing remained the same. You were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant. My touchstone.'

'And you are mine...'

He remembered that day with vivid clarity, he had awoken from a coma to the sound of Scully's voice, and her tears dripping down onto his face. He had wanted so badly to kiss her tears away, make whatever was hurting her stop.

'You would die for Mulder, but you won't allow yourself to love him...' Mulder did a double take at that particular memory. This wasn't his memory, this was something Cancerman had said to Scully, something she had never told him about....

So what the hell was Scully's memory doing in his mind? Mulder found himself drifting past it, but the words stuck in his mind.

'Our choices would then lead to this very moment. One wrong turn and we wouldn't be sitting here together...Well that says a lot, it says a lot, a lot, a lot...'

It had said a lot, and it had eventually led to their first night together, the first night they had made love, and the last. It was times like that that Mulder thanked god for a photographic memory.

The next memories were the most recent, sentences and conversations eventually running together in his mind.

'Oregon, seven years ago... Vertigo or something, I just started to get chills... It's not worth it, Scully ... watching you, holding that baby, knowing everything that has been taken away from you, a chance for motherhood, and your health, and that baby... It's the personal costs that are too high... There is so much you should be doing with your life, so much more than this, there has to be an end, Scully... You're not going back out there, they're taking abductees, you're an abductee.. I'm not going to risk losing you.' If only he had known...

'I will find him, I have to...' that was his Scully. Once again, refusing to give up.

'I'm pregnant...' the image of three interwoven strands appeared in Mulder's mind. Gold, precious gold, silver and copper. And the copper had been fading fast...

'I love you, are you hearing me? I love you!'

'Mulder is important, too important to waste to these mindless experiments ... hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell... a sonogram... heart stopped... my fault... my fault... how am I going to tell him?... Come back to me... I need you... '

~ ~ ~ ~

Scully watched him breathe, in and out, the motion was lulling her to sleep. She wished she could sleep, she wasn't sure when the last time she had been able to sleep through the night was.

She was disturbed from her musings by a fluttering of Mulder's eyelids. Scully swallowed hard and leaned forward to watch him.

"Mulder?" her voice was a whisper, a barely detectable hiss of air across his cheek. "Mulder, please come back to me, I... I need you..."

There was no immediate reaction this time, no blip on the heart monitors or an increase in breathing. Instead there was a barely discernible returning squeeze on her fingers.

She swung her gaze from his fluttering eyelids to their joined hands, he was still trying to comfort her, even lying there, barely conscious, Fox Mulder tried to ease the torment that he somehow felt in her.

"Mulder?" her voice was quiet, he strained, struggled through the darkness to her warming glow.

At her tortured plea, he opened his eyes.

For a moment, he was back in the ship, unsure of where he was, or why he was there. Then slowly his memory returned to him... and her memories as well...

'Mulder is important, too important to waste to these mindless experiments ... hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell... a sonogram... heart stopped... my fault... my fault... how am I going to tell him?... Come back to me... I need you... '

He stared at his partner, a slow light dawning in his hazel-green eyes. He was out of the darkness, he was free. Slowly, he squeezed her hand, seeing tears of relief spring to her eyes. He opened his mouth once in an attempt to talk, when nothing came out he closed it, then tried again.

"Hey Scully," he surveyed her disheveled state and tried to smile weakly. "You look like hell,"

Her attempts to hide the huge grin that spread across her face failed, and she threw herself onto him, clinging for dear life. "Mulder, don't you ever do that to me again! Ever!" She buried her face in his chest, feeling his low chuckle vibrate in his chest before escaping his throat. She shook her head and nuzzled against him, shedding quiet tears of relief that quickly turned to shuddering sobs of despair.

Mulder's hand, stroking her hair, slowed to a stop as one hand lifted her face up gently. He wiped away the salty tracks that ran down her cheeks and met her eyes. "What's wrong?" the tremble in his voice was evident, as if he was afraid to hear what she was going to say.

"You heard me, didn't you?" she asked, changing the subject deftly away from the reason she was crying. He nodded slowly, cupping her face with his hand.

"I heard you say you loved me, then you came to me, you said it again. That's twice while I was in one coma, Scully, you can't get out of it now."

She forced a tiny smile and shook her head. "I wasn't intending to try. I do love you, but..."

"The baby?" he asked quietly, trying to keep his voice neutral, he could see that she needed him here, she needed his quiet strength, and love. Her blue eyes shimmered with tears and she nodded, too overcome to speak.

Mulder nodded slowly, closing his eyes and swallowing a strangled sob. "I was afraid of this."

"How did you know?"

He turned his eyes up to hers slowly, reluctant to reveal what he had seen until he had attempted to figure it out on his own. But this was Scully, there was no longer, 'two' where they were concerned. No, they had long ago become one.

"There were these odd strands of colors... You were gold, I was silver and our strands merged together at one point, and kind of split off. Our baby," he frowned, suddenly aware of how ridiculous it sounded. But it was the truth. Scully nodded slowly, her brow furrowed as she took this in.

"But suddenly it started to fade. I got so scared, I tried to hold on to it, tried to shape them back together, but there was this golden light, and somewhere along the way, I think I lost my grip..." he scrubbed furiously at his eyes which threatened to spill over with tears.

"I'm so sorry Scully, I couldn't hold on to her, I tried, I tried so hard..." he met her gaze as she sniffled slightly and shook her head.

"It's not your fault, Mulder, it's mine. I got in a car accident in the rush to get over here. I didn't notice that it was raining and... the baby's heart stopped when I got here... Skinner told me..." her features contorted into a grimace of sorrow.
Mulder took her hand silently, she had been rushing to him, they could place blame all they wanted, it wouldn't bring their child back.

"It's not your fault, not your fault," he brought her slender hand to his lips and kissed it gently.

"It's just not fair, what harm did an innocent, unborn child do? Why would God take away our child, she was only two months old, I didn't even get to carry her for all that long..." she trailed off in a whisper before she could start crying again.

Mulder leaned his forehead against hers, "I know, it's not fair, I am so sorry... We could try again, I know it's not the same, I know that it never will be, but I am always here for you," he kissed her cheek gently. "I love you Scully."

Mulder folded his arms around her and stroked her hair softly, offering support by just being there. The impact of his words slowly sank into her mind. He wanted children just as much as she did.

"I love you," she whispered back, her arms tightening around him. "Thank you for coming back to me."

"Anything... for you... my Scully... my love.. my life..." he trailed off, exhausted from the drugs still being pumped into his system. And for a long time, Scully just clung to him, thankful that she at least had the man she loved back.

~ ~ ~ ~

end part four